Kracken
Disclaimer:I don't own them and I don't make any money of this.
Warning:Male/male sex, dark, graphic, violence, language.
Break Point
Under the Veil
"I'm calling the cops!" Hilde shouted in a panic as Heero calmly disarmed her and shoved her down on a single bed. She was wearing jeans and a wrinkled shirt, eyes bloodshot as if she hadn't slept in ages. She looked as if she fully expected to die.
Heero kept his face stone cold. The seedy, hole in the wall, motel wasn't hard to find once Hilde used her credit numbers to pay for it. Quatre's people had been monitoring her account, waiting for her to relax enough to slip. Once they had alerted Quatre of the transaction, Heero had been on the next flight to the little desert town.
"I will ask you questions and you will answer them," Heero told her. "I don't intend to harm you in any way."
Hilde didn't look convinced. "I didn't hurt Duo," she protested. "I did what I thought was best for him!"
"He hasn't spoken. He is unbalanced, "Heero told her. "Quatre has the best doctors treating him, but they need information."
"Duo didn't want anyone to know!" Hilde protested. "He made me swear not to tell. He thought... " She glared at Heero. "He didn't want you to know most of all."
Heero frowned. "Why?"
"Because he didn't want to lose your respect, if he ever had it," Hilde replied. "He didn't want you to know that he couldn't handle..."
"What?" Heero pressed when she hesitated," Tell me, now, everything."
Hilde sighed and huddled on the bed, her arms locking about her knees. "He signed over his care to me when he realized that he wasn't coping, that he was being irrational about... about Java dying."
"His dog?" Heero wondered sharply.
Hilde blinked at him and then nodded. "Duo was walking the dog and some goons jumped him. Ex Oz, I think, though we never did find them to know for sure. They told Duo they'd been watching him and they wanted some payback for things he'd done during the war. They... beat the crap out of Duo and then... killed Java, very messily, right in front of him. He... he loved that dog. It was like his kid." She went distant for a moment, remembering, and then she collected herself and continued, "He never got over it... in fact... he kept forgetting that the dog was dead. He kept calling him, putting food out for him... and then he started acting like Java was really there... He knew that he was getting strange and he asked for help, finally."
"You committed him?" Heero asked.
Hilde nodded. She ran a hand through her dark hair. "He signed the papers. He went through some therapy. Then... I don't know what happened. He just suddenly went wild. He forgot what year it was, forgot who everyone was, forgot why he was there. They kept sedating him and asking me... asking me what to do. I didn't know... I was ready to call Quatre... I needed to ask someone what to do... but then Duo ran away and I was afraid. I knew you'd blame me. My signature was on everything."
Heero digested that information quietly.
"Is he... Is he allright?" Hilde asked.
"No," Heero told her, "But he is well taken care of." He gave her his full attention again, the intensity of his blue gaze frightening her even more. "You will sign a release allowing me to access all the information at the institute."
"All right," Hilde agreed, but looked despondent. "How will that help? The doctors there didn't know what was wrong with Duo."
"Sometimes an outside observer can see what someone close to the action can't," Heero told her as he turned and strode to the door, falling unconsciously into mission mode from the war.
"I hope you do find something," Hilde called after him as he left. "I only want what's best for Duo, truly..."
Alone in her seedy room, Hilde shivered, feeling as if death had come too close.
She picked up the phone and began dialing the institute. "I'm sorry, Duo,"
she murmured as she waited for someone to answer, "I made all the wrong
decisions..."
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Duo had been sleeping fitfully. Heero stayed by his bedside, going through business
reports on a laptop balanced on his knees. Quatre's people were good, he thought,
and they were managing everything expertly. Heero couldn't help a twinge of
something... jealousy? He wasn't sure. Perhaps it was bitterness. He had made
his world his business and he had found some pride in his own expertise. Seeing
the reins taken from him, and everything run so well, he couldn't help wonder
how much of his skill had been an illusion, an overestimation. The sudden self
knowledge didn't sit well with him.
"Heero?" War time Duo slipped from the bed. He was wearing a hospital type gown and it hung loosely on him. His long hair was half out of it's braid and it looked knotted. His eyes were large and anxious. He looked frail and very uncertain.
"You stuck around," Duo said. He fiddled with his gown, looking at it with a puzzled frown as if he couldn't figure out why he was wearing it.
"Yes," Heero replied.
"Then... did you mean what you said?" Duo looked up then, expression telling Heero that he was braced for pain. "... about wanting to live together? Wars over. Rebellion put down. We're both alive...."
Heero closed his laptop and put it down on the floor next to him. He reached for a side table and opened a drawer. Searching inside, he found a hairbrush. Standing, he held it and said, as he slowly approached Duo, "Your hair... it needs brushing. May I?"
Heero had seen a nurse do it, harshly, just trying to make a quick job of it. He didn't want that to happen again. In fact, he had taken over several duties concerning Duo's personal care. At first, his excuse had been that Duo trusted him more and was calmer, but now, worrying about Duo's hair was tipping the scale from necessary, to looking for excuses.
"Is that an answer?" Duo wondered, confused. "I'm not to up on subtle, Heero. Why don't you just spell it all out for me. You want to hook up with me or not?"
Heero motioned Duo to sit down on the chair. He did so hesitantly. Heero stood behind him and began to unbraid his hair completely. His hair was thick and strong, like heavy rope. Duo wasn't eating well and the stresses of his dementia were beginning to tell on him physically. Heero hoped that it wouldn't effect his hair.
"Duo," Heero said, as he carefully teased out knots, "this isn't the war."
Duo made an exasperated sound, "I know that! It just ended!" His body was tense. Heero, during the war, had rarely touched him and only when it was necessary.
"No," Heero corrected him. "It ended years ago."
Duo was very still, puzzling that out.
Heero had gone to the institute and found... nothing. Everything had been in order. Every doctor had done their duty and every nurse had accomplished their task. It was all well documented and on video tape since every room was monitored. Hilde had visited often and her concern had looked genuine. Heero had watched Duo go from a relaxed, cooperative patient, to a raging, insane man in the space of a few days. The worst bout had come right before his disappearance. Duo had looked like an animal, raging against his restraints until he had broken them. Once free, he had become Mission Duo and his calm, collected demeanor had gotten him through institute security and out onto the street.
Returning to Duo's bedside after his investigation, Heero had found his one time war comrade sullen and withdrawn. It seemed that he had missed Heero's presence, even though, when he was there, Duo hardly acknowledged it at all. That he was aware and talking now was rare. That he actually remembered their previous conversation was even more amazing. The doctors had advised Heero to not allow Duo's mind to keep to his fantasy, but to gently inform him of the year and who he was in it. It was painful. Duo was reaching out to him, wanting him, and it was Heero's duty to correct him, to tell him that there was nothing between them, that he had missed his opportunity and that Duo had made a life already without him.
"Duo," Heero said as he began brushing out Duo's hair, slow and patient, "You went on without me, because we didn't move in together. We didn't have a relationship. You went to school. Joined the Preventers. Moved in with Hilde-"
"Hilde?" Duo snorted. "Heero, have you been celebrating too much? I'm gay, remember? It's you I want. I told you that. You told me that you felt the same... are you... are you trying to change your mind, is that it?"
"No," Heero replied. "I'm telling you the truth. You have lived for years after the war with Hilde and I have been running a business, living alone-"
"Alone?" Duo looked back at him and his expression was confused and pained. "Why would you do that when I... "
"You didn't say anything," Heero told him. "We never talked about a relationship. I- I never gave you the chance."
Duo shook his head and sounded defeated. "I don't understand, Heero. Why are you saying all of this to me?"
Heero finished and began braiding Duo's hair, fingers figuring out the task, remembering how the nurse had accomplished it, recalling many times watching the one time pilot of 02 do his hair. "Because... It's the truth, Duo."
"Then, what?" Duo said in a small voice. "I'm... nuts... Is that what you're saying?"
"Yes," Heero replied.
He could hear Duo swallow hard. He could tell that Duo was still confused and not convinced. Duo played along though and said, "Then I can say what I want, ask what I want, do what I want, and it doesn't matter does it? I'm just nuts and this is all a crazy fantasy, right?"
"Duo," Heero began, but Duo was turning in his chair and pulling Heero down to him. He kissed Heero hungrily and Heero... Heero let him.
Duo broke the kiss and said, "I don't know what's real, or if it matters, but I know you're here now and you said that you cared about me. I'm not letting go of that. If-If you're right and I missed out on that, If I screwed up and-"
"It was my fault," Heero told him, feeling a tremendous heat all through him. He tried to move away, but Duo was rising and taking his hand. He began to pull Heero towards the bed. Heero resisted.
"Your fault?" Duo sounded angry. " From what you're saying, you were just being yourself. I was the one who was too chicken to not let you get away with it. I didn't try hard enough." He shook his head sharply and looked at Heero with pained eyes. "This is sooo crazy! I don't know what I'm saying...I don't know what to think. I wanna believe that this is just a stupid practical joke, but... you weren't the kind of guy to joke around."
He sat on the bed and then pulled Heero towards him. Heero resisted. Duo jerked at him hard and Heero stumbled into his arms. Duo manhandled him onto the bed as if he were whole and strong and completely in his right mind. He pinned Heero to the bed and lay on top, looking down into Heero's face very seriously.
"Look at you...," Duo said softly, "... wanting me. Why didn't I see this before?"
"I didn't let you see it," Heero whispered, pained.
"And now?" Duo reached and brushed back Heero's unruly bangs.
"I...." Heero felt an overwhelming sense that he was on the edge and that he was almost lost . Everything within him screamed for him to reach out and claim that body pressing against his own, claim those lips smiling down at his clear struggle, and forget that his mistake had never happened.
"Heero," Duo told him, "If you're right, and I lost it... If I really did live a life without you... I'd rather forget it happened. I'd rather start right now and live THIS life."
Yes! Heero's mind shouted, but his lips were saying something different, his own sense of honor refusing to forget what was right. "I don't know who you are any longer Duo," he admitted. "I don't know how you really feel about me. Maybe... You may even hate me. What would happen if you were to suddenly remember everything and find..." He faltered and then finished, "If you were to remember that you wanted nothing to do with me and that you had been happy in the life that you had chosen?"
"Heero.." Duo's amethyst eyes were so full of emotion that Heero was riveted to them, unable to think about honor and what was right any longer when Duo said, "You have always been right here." He touched his chest. "Even when we first met and I had to shoot you. I have never felt anything so strong, so... right. I can't believe, even if you rejected me, that a feeling like that would have gone away, that I would have hated you. It can't be. It isn't true. I won't let it be true, because, if that's the kind of person I became, the kind who could ignore a feeling like that and... hate... I never want to be him again."
Duo caressed Heero's face and his smile became tremulous.
"I've wanted to do this for so long. Don't stop me. Don't deny this to me," Duo begged.
Duo wasn't strong, he had spent long hours in bed and had often refused to eat. He was tiring even as he pressed himself down against Heero and kissed his neck. Heero's breath caught and he found himself striving against Duo, nuzzling and tasting whatever part of Duo he could reach in his position underneath him. Duo was doing the same, their actions frantic, needy, and full of a love that had been denied too long. Duo couldn't continue for long, though, and he fell asleep, by slow degrees, against Heero's body.
Heero held Duo against him, feeling relief and disappointment at the same time that they hadn't gone further. He almost felt damned, damned and weak for letting Duo convince him against his better judgment. He thought about Duo's words, tried to separate his wants from what he knew to be right. Duo had sounded so reasonable, so sure, and he had echoed Heero's thoughts exactly. Heero wanted the future to stop existing. He wanted to go back in time, wanted to erase his mistake, wanted Duo.
The door opened and Quatre stepped inside the room holding a clipboard. He stopped dead in his tracks and went red in the face when he saw Heero wrapped around Duo on the bed. Heero almost struggled up, almost pushed Duo off, but then he throttled the urge and kept still. When Quatre saw that the scene before him wasn't going to change, he approached slowly.
"Heero? What's...?" Quatre cleared his throat. "Did Duo have an episode? Did you have to restrain him?"
It would have been easy to lie. Heero shook his head, though, and inched up higher so that he could speak with Quatre more easily and still hold onto Duo. "Duo... Duo wanted to...," he searched for the right words and then settled uncomfortably on, "he wanted to change our relationship, even though I explained to him that he wasn't thinking clearly and that we... that we were not even friends."
Quatre's blue eyes looked from Heero to Duo and then back again. "I... You seem to be accepting his affections."
It was Heero's turn to blush despite trying to stop it. "I... It's personal, Quatre... could we not talk about this... yet. I know I shouldn't let Duo do this. When he gets better he might regret-"
Quatre clutched at his clipboard and frowned as he interrupted, "I'm afraid that I have bad news about that, Heero. These are the results of some of the brain scans. It seems that Duo is suffering from a collection of 'breaks', lesions that are causing his brain to, in essence, scramble his memory. The doctors have found traces of a drug collecting in those areas; a drug used for some brain disorders. They believe that Duo was given the drug by accident. After reading the logs of drug requests, we found that this particular drug was released to one of Duo's nurses. It didn't match the doctor's request."
"Accident?" Heero replied in shock. "Are you sure?"
Quatre looked pensive. "I can't know that absolutely, but everything indicates that it was an accident." He smoothed a hand over the clipboard. "Heero, the damage is irreversible. It won't get better. I've been told that the brain is a remarkable thing and that it might make new pathways to those memories that he's lost, but there isn't any guarantee. We can be thankful that the damage has stopped. Even if Duo doesn't get better, he will not get worse."
Heero found himself holding Duo tightly. "I need to talk to Hilde," he said in a daze. "I need to know what he's forgotten, what he might remember. If we can help him, remind him well enough, perhaps he will regain what he's lost."
Quatre looked pained. "It may never happened, Heero. Duo may spend his life moving from one place in time to another, changing personalities, staying unstable. I want to be optimistic, but I promise that I will continue to care for him as long as he needs it, even if he never recovers. "
Heero found himself making a decision, a decision to change his life completely. Holding Duo in his arms, something he had not even dared to dream of, it was a ridiculously easy decision to make. "I want to stay with him. It doesn't matter to me whether he remains this Duo who-who cares about me, or not. I don't want to go back to a life without him."
Quatre's eyes softened and he nodded. "I knew, even during the war, that something sparked between you two. I couldn't understand then, why you denied yourselves. I am glad that you have found each other again, Heero, despite the circumstances. You are both welcome in my home for as long as you need to stay here." He touched his heart as if he were making a sacred vow, his smile soft and caring as he nodded to Heero and left them alone, closing the door behind him.
Heero held Duo more tightly and pressed his cheek against the top of Duo's head, saying with deep emotion, "Together, Duo. We'll do this together."
Back to Chapter six
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