Kracken
disclaimer:I don't own them and I don't make any money off of this.
Warning:Male/male sex, graphic, language, violence.
Break Point
Home
Heero spread the photos out over the table and stared at them. Duo sitting on the fender of a car. Duo giving the peace sign and a cocky smile at the camera. Duo at some amusement park. Duo holding school books. Duo in Preventer uniform and looking serious. Duo with Hilde. Duo with a puppy in various stages of growth; the last one was of him sitting with the puppy, almost dog in his arms. Black, dark reddish brown, a white streak on its face. It had soft fur and soulful eyes.
Through a picture window, Heero could see Duo sitting with one of his doctors in a courtyard. The doctor was seated on a chair, scribbling notes on a pad, and Duo was sitting on the marble paving stones, shrunk in on himself and looking warily about. Male nurses stood around them, ready to step in if Duo made any violent moves.
Lucid moments seemed too far between. Over the last weeks there had been laughter, smiles, some talk about the past, about the war, and talk about a future. Duo had been more than eager to brush away any of Heero's lines in the sand. He had been pliant and seductive, and then insistent and almost forceful, wanting touch, wanting caresses, wanting kisses, and wanting Heero to consummate the passion that was inflaming them both. Wartime Duo was so sane, it was almost impossible to remember this other side to him, this frightened animal that was there more often than not. Where it came from, Heero couldn't understand. Why this part of his love and not the other, more saner aspects? The doctors were still trying to discover the answer, patiently exploring Duo's psyche, trying to find a way to circumvent the damage done to his mind and keep him in the here and now.
"Heero," Quatre came to stand by the table, face looking pensive, almost sad. "I think you need to rest. You've been driving yourself too hard."
Heero frowned darkly as he gathered the photos into a neat pile. "Rest? How can I rest?"
Quatre reached out and touched his hand, making Heero look up into his eyes. "Maybe you should step back, go away for a few days and recharge." His voice was like a sharp barb to Heero. it said, 'Nothing's changed and nothing will while you're gone.' It wasn't like Quatre to be a pessimist. Heero didn't want to consider that it meant that there really was little hope of a recovery for Duo.
"When he looks at me, when he know me...," Heero struggled to express how he was feeling. "I don't want to miss those moments. There aren't enough of them."
Quatre's eyes softened and his smile was sad. "I can see you are exhausted. You can't help Duo if you're not taking care of your own needs."
Heero rubbed at his eyes and looked out of the window at Duo. "He's noticed too."
"How much does he remember?" Quatre asked.
"Sometimes, everything," Heero replied, "Other times, nothing."
"If he doesn't get any better," Quatre said, knowing that he was voicing a very unpopular opinion, "Then you will have to pace yourself, you will have to take time out to take care of yourself. This endless 'being on guard' for Duo, is going to make you ill."
"He needs me," Heero replied and heard the pain in his own voice. "Quatre, there's a part of him, a large part, that wants a life with me. I can't abandon him, not for myself, I can't risk that he will look for me and I won't be there for him."
Duo was playing with his 'puppy' again. Quatre said, watching him, "The connection between Duo and that dog must have been very strong. It's no wonder he had trouble accepting it's death."
Heero watched Duo as well. The scene played out in his head as he wondered what it must have been like for Duo to lose something so dear to him. Duo walking his beloved pet, men coming out of nowhere and beating him, some of them brutally killing his dog in front of him while they held him down. In his mind's eye, he saw Duo screaming, cursing, struggling with the strength of an animal himself to get free and save Java.
Heero was suddenly standing very close to the window, one hand splayed against its warm surface, his nose almost pressed against the pane.
"Heero?" Quatre wondered, worried.
Is that where wild Duo had come from? Had he been born on that evening? Was he still surfacing, trying to get free, trying to find some strength within him to get away and save himself, save his pet...
"A loop," Heero said aloud.
"Heero?" Quatre put a hand on his arm. "What's wrong?"
"I have to go," Heero said as he turned back to the table and fished out a picture of Java and Duo.
Quatre looked relieved then. "You won't regret it, Heero, we'll take the best care of Duo while you're gone, you know that."
Heero said fiercely as he strode for the door. "I won't be gone long."
___________________________
It hadn't been hard for Heero to get the details of the attack on Duo out of Hilde. She had even taken him to the location of the incident and explained how they had called her to come calm Duo down afterward.
"He looked so broken," Hilde had recalled quietly. "He said, at the time... 'I can't save anyone. They always die in the end.' It broke my heart."
That had confirmed things for Heero and it had convinced him that he was on the right track. Duo, he thought, was suffering from more than just the after effects of being given the wrong medicine. He had suffered a mental breakdown at the same time. His recovery, Heero thought, was being brought to a stand still by his grief over Java and his inability to save the dog.
Finding the dog's look alike had not been easy. Between the picture and Hilde's description, Heero narrowed it down to a Bernese. Getting the dog's white, tan, and black markings in the right places was harder. He ended up posting the pic on the internet and emailing countless breeders. Finally, someone replied and Heero had been relieved to find the dog the exact right age and Java's twin, except for a white spot over one eye. It was small, inconsequential, really, and Heero hoped that Duo wouldn't notice.
Convincing Quatre had taken over an hour. The man had been afraid that the trauma of seeing his dog attacked, yet again, would send Duo further off the edge. All Duo's doctors had strongly advised against any stress. Heero's fierceness, his belief that he was on the right track, finally swayed Quatre, and he reluctantly agreed to bring Duo to the site of his attack. He insisted, though, that the men Heero used were his own, hand picked ones, men who could at least hope to handle a gundam pilot out of control.
With everything in place, Heero watched Quatre and a few nurses help Duo out of a limo. He was in his docile state, allowing himself to be lead while he looked blankly at nothing. Heero felt a moment of concern. He had hoped to have Duo alert, aware of what was going on around him. He had a momentary urge to call it off, to wait until Duo was 'with them', but then he firmed his resolve. Everything was in place. They could at least try.
It was early morning, a time Heero had purposefully chosen so that there wouldn't be any interference from people passing by on the city streets. The air was cold. Their breaths smoked in it. Everything was reduced to dirty grays and browns, the only light coming from two, fitful street lamps.
Heero turned and nodded to the three men and the dog behind him. He stepped out from the alleyway and walked towards Quatre, the nurses, and Duo, unaware that his nod had been mistaken as the signal to start the reenactment.
The sudden howl of the overlarge puppy, and the curses of the two men, made Heero turn in surprise. One had a hand in the collar of the dog, holding it, while the other was lifting a club. The third was pointing a knife towards Heero as if warning him not to interfere.
"No!" Duo cried out. Heero felt a hand on his shoulder and he was violently pulled backwards. Duo was suddenly in front of him, tossing off an overlarge coat and standing defensively in a sweater and jeans, he was... protecting Heero, not Java.
"Get out of here, Heero!" Duo shouted at him. "Go get the cops. I'll keep them busy. "
Duo didn't rush forward, that might have allowed one of the men to attack Heero. He kept his defensive stance, instead, guarding Heero, even though it was clear, in every line of his body, that he wanted to save Java.
"I'll kill you if you hurt Java!" Duo shouted. "Leave him alone!"
Heero shook off his shock enough to signal behind Duo's back for the men to
leave. They kept in character, sneering and throwing insults as they retreated,
letting 'Java' go in the process. The dog looked frightened, huddling on the
sidewalk, tail between it's legs.
Duo still didn't go to the dog. He made sure the men were gone and then he looked
back at Heero, confusion on his face. "Are you allright?" he asked
anxiously. "What... What are you doing here, Heero? Who were those guys?"
"I'm okay," Heero replied and wondered at the shakiness of his voice. "You'd better get your dog..."
Duo looked confused and then nodded as he went to gather up Java's leash. He petted the dog reassuringly and then led him back to Heero. His eyes swept past to where Quatre and the nurses were standing by the limo. He froze. He frowned and then he seemed to be remembering something. "I was sick..." he said, almost under his breath, "At the health Institute..." He looked down at Java. "How..." He ran both hands over Java's head wonderingly and then his fingers touched on the white spot above Java's eye. "This isn't Java," he said in a half choked voice. His purple eyes swept up to Heero, full of intense pain. "What the hell is going on, Yuy?"
Quatre stepped forward, voice calm, "Duo, you've been ill. You ran away from the heath Institute and now you've been staying with me. I've been taking care of you."
Duo blinked, dazed, and ran a hand through his messy bangs, trying to find memory. "I don't..." He looked at Heero and then look all around them as if confirming where they were, "What are you doing here, Heero, and why is there a dog here that looks like Java? Is this some kind of sick joke?" Pain was in his voice. he could hardly say the word 'Java' without it trembling.
Duo swallowed hard. "That dog meant a lot to me. I couldn't save him... I wanted to so bad... but I couldn't."
Heero felt shaken, his firm belief that he had been doing the right thing for Duo faltering. Was this the break that he had hoped for or just another false hope in a long line of them? Duo seemed so coherent, so firmly in the here and now, but the damage to his mind was permanent. Heero hadn't been hoping for a cure. He tried to explain to Duo, "You blamed yourself so very much. I thought that if you could save your dog, that you could heal."
Duo looked at Heero as if Heero had pulled off a mask and become a completely different person. "You did this, " he asked incredulously, "For me? Why? I didn't think we were friends. After the war, you wouldn't even return my calls."
Quatre cleared his throat, interjecting himself reluctantly. "Duo, We should talk about this elsewhere. Won't you come back to my house?"
Duo was confused. He said uncertainly, "Hilde..."
Heero frowned, explaining, "She agreed that Quatre could best take care of you."
Duo hugged himself, bowing his head in misery. "I guess I really lost it," he said, almost to himself. "She's my best friend, but she gave up on me."
Heero was afraid, at any moment, that the stress would drive Present Time Duo back into hiding. "Duo," he said in concern, "Please, come back with us. We'll explain everything on the way."
Duo took a step and then looked at the dog. "What-What's going to happen to him?"
Heero wasn't thinking about the dog then, just Duo. He said in reassurance, "I'll have Quatre's men return him to the kennel where I bought him."
Duo reached down and rubbed the dog's ears. His hand was shaking. He asked, as if he were daring a lot, " Can... Can I... Can he stay with me?"
Quatre replied quickly, "Of course, Duo."
Duo looked relieved and he gathered up the leash. Heero tentatively put a hand under his elbow. Duo looked down at his hand and then looked up at Heero, his confusion becoming acute.
"I don't understand," Duo told him. "This... This might be a hallucination. I don't know why else you would be here... acting like this...
Heero had a feeling that Duo needed at least some explanation before he would allow himself to be moved. "Hilde called me after you disappeared. She wanted me to look for you. You appeared at my apartment, though, as if you were looking for me."
Duo looked pale and mortified. His mouth worked and then, his embarrassment plain, he tried to explain. "Heero... I..." but he floundered and stopped, staring down at the pavement, at a loss for words.
Heero gave Duo's elbow a reassuring squeeze and he decided that he needed to explain, not Duo. It was hard, but spending time with War Time Duo had taught Heero to express his emotions much better and to not be afraid to tell that Duo, this Duo, how he really felt.
"Duo," Heero said, "I didn't handle things very well during... and after... the war. My training, and the way I was raised, made me so single minded, so unable to express myself... I couldn't respond to you." He needed to say it, Heero thought, before this Duo disappeared, before this moment of clarity ended. "I know that you wanted me to live with you, that you wanted to be more than just roommates. I should have let you ask me. I should have said yes. I-I want to say yes, now."
Duo was silent, cinnamon brows drawn down as if he doubted his hearing. Quatre was wide eyed and watching them, not sure what to do or say. Very slowly, then, Duo smiled. His wan face brightened like a sunrise. "You-" he stopped, licked nervous lips, and tried again, "Heero, it's what I've always wanted. I never could stop hoping that, someday, we'd come together eventually. You never gave me any sign, but I knew it would work out for us one day."
Duo reached out and took Heero's hand in his, cautious, not sure if the gesture would be accepted. Heero squeezed his hand encouragingly and Duo's smile grew broader.
"Okay, Ice-man," Duo chuckled, " Let's do it and see where it takes us." He paused, searched Heero's face, and then asked, almost fearfully, "Are you sure this isn't some sort of crazy dream?"
Quatre dared with a little laugh, "It's a very good dream if it is one."
Duo allowed himself to be guided then and Heero put him into the waiting limo. He decided to leave his own car and ride with Duo, still all too certain that this Duo wouldn't be permanent and that he shouldn't miss a moment of his presence. Heero sat next to him and Quatre sat on Duo's other side, the over excited dog almost in his lap.
Duo tentatively leaned against Heero. "Do you mind?" he asked, "I'm kind of tired."
Heero was just as uncertain as he reached out and pulled Duo against his side. They both sat tensely like that for long minutes and then, at the same time, they both relaxed into the curves and planes of each other's bodies.
"My head hurts," Duo complained. "It's hard taking all of this in."
"Don't try," Heero told him. "Just rest."
Duo persisted though. "You were so cold, such a stick in the ass, during the war... and afterwards. Your being like this is shocking the hell out of me."
Heero felt the bitterness, the lost years, twisting in his gut. "I made a mistake, " he told Duo. "A mistake that I regretted as soon as it happened. I was so sure that I had ruined everything between us. I never expected to get another chance."
Duo smiled sadly. "You always had that second chance, Heero, ready and waiting for you."
They sat in silence, thinking about that, but then Duo rubbed at his forehead and said, "I feel... dizzy... that can't be good, can it?" It made Duo think, his headache and his dizziness adding up to a realization that frightened him. "I'm not better, am I?"
"I have the best doctors for you at the estate," Quatre assured him. "They are doing everything they can-"
"Then I can go crazy again?" Duo said, cutting across him with a touch of panic.
Heero thought that Duo was owed the truth. He ignored Quatre's attempt to signal him to be silent about it and said, "There was damage to your brain. You have a problem knowing what year it is. Sometimes, you think you're in the war, still doing missions... other times, you think it's days following the end of the war, other times... you're wild, uncontrollable. I thought it was because of Java, because of your guilt. It seemed to me that you kept trying to save him..."
Duo gripped both sides of his head in sudden anguish. "What the hell... How can I give you a second chance, when I'm not in my right mind?! Why would you want to be with me if I might go nuts at any time?"
Duo slumped and hid his face in his hands. He laughed and it had nothing to do with humor. "Screwed again!" he exclaimed angrily. "I tried so hard to get a life, to show that I could be just as good as everyone else. Instead, I lost my damned mind! I'm just so Goddam pathetic!"
"Duo," Heero explained carefully, not sure at all how Duo was going to react to his next words, "It wasn't you. There was a mistake. You were given the wrong medication at the institute. It... It damaged your brain."
Duo went white. He laughed again and it was almost hysterical. "Shit! Shit! Shit!"
Heero tried to hold him. He had grown used to that with War Time Duo. This Duo stiffened and jerked away.
"Cut your losses," Duo grated. "You don't need someone like me, Heero."
Heero took Duo's hand. "It doesn't matter," he told Duo and meant it. "I... love you, Duo. I gave up my life to be with you, to care for you. You see, you already gave me my second chance. Even if I only have you part of the time, it will be enough for me, as long as we can be together."
"Will it?" Duo's voice was incredulous.
"It has been," Heero told him.
Duo retorted, suspicious, "Then why are we here? Why did you get the dog and try and make me come to my senses if everything was okay?"
Heero caressed Duo's cheek. "Because, you were in pain, because you couldn't forgive yourself."
Duo said fiercely, "Heero, how can I live like this? How can I sit and wait to go nuts, to forget who I am again?"
Heero felt tears sting his eyes. "You never forget who you are, Duo. You just forget what year it is."
Duo reached up and touched Heero's face, returning the caress. "Have we... Is there a time where we are together? Where we... love?"
Heero nodded and turned to kiss Duo's fingers, his tears spilling over and making slow tails down his face. Duo was shocked, the man he had thought to be so in control of himself to the point of being emotionless, breaking down right before his eyes.
"Heero..." Duo swallowed hard and asked, "Are we happy?"
Heero nodded, not trusting his voice.
Duo smiled and his eyes blinked tears. "Then... it's okay. Some people
don't even get that much."
__________________
Epilogue:
They returned to Quatre's estate, but during the last leg of the drive, Duo's exhaustion, coupled with his stress, finally took him under. It was hard losing him, but, as they settled into a routine at the estate, he began to emerge again, taking turns with War Time Duo, and the Duo who only wanted to play with Java. Wild Duo, thankfully, never made a reappearance. Duo had managed to lay his guilt to rest.
It was an odd relationship, but it had at least some stability. War Time Duo was dominant and he was with Heero more times than not. Switching off with Present Time Duo, it was as if they were sharing Heero between them, each wanting to know what he did with their counterpart while they were 'sleeping'. The Oblivious Duo ignored him completely and played with Java. There was something calming about that, but it was sad too, and Heero couldn't help bouts of depression, waiting for Duo to 'wake up' again and acknowledge his presence. There was always a fear, too, at the back of his mind, that this Duo might choose never to 'sleep' and that he might lose what he had.
Stretched out in bed, with War Time Duo sprawled over him, head cushioned on his chest, those fears faded and Heero lived in the moment.
"Are you happy?" Duo asked
Heero played with wisps of Duo's hair. "Very."
"It's gotta be hard," Duo said, as if he had been thinking about it for awhile, "being loved by only two thirds of me."
"I'm loved by all of you," Heero insisted.
"That third part of me doesn't know you exist, though," Duo pointed out.
"I'm not sure," Heero replied, "But he's you Duo, so I know he does love me."
They were silent, relaxing, enjoying the feel of each other, and then Duo's hand slipped between Heero's belt and his skin. "You've made me wait this long because you were afraid that part of me might not agree with the others.
Heero nodded, feeling himself responding strongly to the nearness of that hand by his groin.
"Well, even you can admit now that we are all in agreement that we love you," Duo said with a grin. He began working Heero's belt open. "I'm tired of waiting. Don't make me do it any more. Get your damned clothes off Yuy and really love me."
There was the fear that Duo's personality would change under the stress of sex. Heero could see that Duo understood that risk and was willing to take it. As they slowly undressed and began exploring each other's bodies, they both knew that it was worth the risk. They both needed that intimacy, that joining together in love, to complete them.
As they brought each other to the pinnacle of sensation and Heero finally entered his lover, as Duo threw back his head and groaned in pleasure, echoing Heero's own deep throated groan, Heero knew that the fear was a price he would pay again and again and think that it was worth it to have this, to have Duo this close to him, to make Duo feel this pleasure.
Duo came with a strangled cry, arms and legs gripping Heero as if he were a lifeline, through the throes of his orgasm. Heero thrust deep and came as well, shouting his release against the pulse of Duo's throat.
"Love you!" Duo panted.
"Love you, always," Heero replied passionately, but then gathered Duo close to him when he saw the familiar signs of this Duo slipping away.
"Doesn't matter," Heero whispered as he let Duo go. "It doesn't matter how you change, you're still my Duo."
Duo was blank, his vibrant personality gone as his eyes looked for Java. He left the bed and Heero sighed as he followed him, intending to clean him up and dress him before he let him play with the dog, but Duo turned suddenly and granted him a smile that he had, up until then, reserved only for Java, real or imaginary.
"Love you," this Duo told Heero distinctly and then resumed his search for Java, oblivious to Heero falling to his knees behind him, crying as he realized that he really did have all of Duo and that it hadn't been just empty words.
The End
see Kracken's original, published yaoi fiction, The Angel Within, at amazon.com
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End