Kracken
Disclaimer:Don't own them, don't make any money off of this
Warning:Male/male sex, graphic, violence, language, attempted NCS
Soldier Boys
Sequel to
Learning the Ropes
Heero could hear them in the kitchen, though he couldn't make out any words clearly. Duo's voice rose and fell, talking animatedly. Once in awhile he would laugh. Heero was waiting for them to finish and come into the living room. He decided he would talk to them then. It felt too good just to relax where he was.
When the voices finally stopped and the door to the kitchen swung open, Heero sat up and opened his eyes. He was surprised to see Quatre smiling gently and motioning him to be quiet and follow him.
Heero rose from his chair and followed quickly, concerned. When he went through the door, he saw Duo slumped on a small dinning table and Trowa standing by him as if on guard. Heero felt a cold lance of shock and trepidation thrust through his heart, but Trowa was shaking his head and smiling just like Quatre.
"He fell asleep," Quatre explained in a whisper. "Should we leave him there, do you think? You could debrief in the living room."
Heero felt that he should wake Duo up. He was a key part of the debriefing. Duo's face was turned to one side, though, and his skin was pale and his eyes shadowed. He needed the rest. Heero sat down in the chair next to him, made sure that his partner wasn't going to fall over, and then said, "Go get Wu Fei and I'll do it here. Duo shouldn't be left alone."
Quatre nodded in agreement motioned to Trowa. As Trowa obediently went to get Wu Fei, Quatre sat in a seat opposite Heero. He watched Heero's expression as Heero tenderly reached out and touched a mark on the side of Duo's face where a bullet had come close enough to burn his skin.
"You care for him," Quatre said, stating a fact, almost in disbelief.
Heero pulled back his hand sharply and sat up, staring hard at nothing.
"It's nothing to be ashamed of," Quatre reassured him softly.
"It is," Heero replied tightly. "I am supposed to be completely dedicated to this war. I..." He felt acutely ashamed. "It's not something that I can control, though. I don't think there is any training that I could go through that would stop me from ...."
"Feeling for Duo?" Quatre supplied. His blue eyes were full of sympathy. "Trowa felt like you do right now. He is a soldier. He always has been one and he never wanted anything more. He didn't think that he deserved more. He didn't think that he had the right to find any happiness. Like you, though, he found that the heart can't be controlled. I convinced him that we could still fight, that it was all right to love while we were doing it."
Duo began to softly snore. Heero twitched and Quatre chuckled lightly.
"Duo is very charming," Quatre said. "He would be someone impossible to resist if he took it in his mind to care about you."
Heero replied almost angrily, "Duo doesn't..." Heero searched for words to lessen his embarrassment, but couldn't find any. "He doesn't want to pursue any type of 'serious' relationship at this time. He is the one who is in control... not me."
Quatre seemed stunned by this revelation. His expression softened. "Heero, that may be wise. We are all still young. You shouldn't be angry with him-"
"I'm not angry with him!" Heero snapped back. "I am angry at myself, because I am the one who wishes to go further."
There was something about Quatre that milked the soul and made it confess all it's secrets. Heero had fallen prey to his power more than once and he never liked how he felt afterward. He always felt that he had been coerced somehow, against his will.
"We are not proceeding," Heero told Quatre firmly. "We are pursuing only friendship. There is nothing to be concerned about. Our performance won't suffer."
"Ours doesn't suffer either," Quatre replied quickly. "Trowa and I are not distracted from our mission by our feelings for each other."
Heero was about to reply hotly that he and Duo HAD been distracted, but he shut his mouth on it. Duo continued to snore softly and Heero found himself sinking into his chair, feeling defeated, but by what, he wasn't sure. He didn't want to talk about, or admit to, his feelings. As far as his trainers had been concerned, he wasn't supposed to have any. Remembering his retraining at their hands, when he had dared to show some feeling, made him shudder unconsciously. He had submitted himself meekly back then and endured their 'treatment'. It had erased his feeling... for a time... until a certain braided, joking, bright young man had swept into his life and shown him that the young man in himself, and his heart, weren't completely dead yet. Duo had fanned the flame that had been almost extinguished and now it was a raging forest fire. That Duo had done it all unconsciously, without even knowing himself that he was attracted to Heero, laid the blame, in Hero's mind, squarely at his own feet. If he had kept quiet, if he had kept pretending cold friendship....
"Heero," Quatre said , his voice prodding Heero out of his thoughts. Wu Fei and Trowa had returned and they were looking from Quatre to Heero as if they suspected something tense had passed between them.
Heero sat up, embarrassed even further. "Sit down and I'll debrief."
They did sit down, Wu Fei looking at Duo curiously, a slight disdain in his dark eyes. "Shouldn't he listen to this?" Wu Fei wanted to know.
"I will fill him in later," Heero replied gruffly and then launched into his detailed report of their activities while being separated. He was in turn given detailed reports of their missions and a description of their surroundings and possible danger from Oz forces. Their position wasn't safe by any means. They weren't immune to Oz fly overs or random sweeps of the area.
Duo muttered in his sleep and suddenly said, "Squishy... where's my squishy?"
Wu Fei raised eyebrows at the sleeping young man. When Duo's hand made a grasping motion, Wu Fei reached back to the kitchen counter, his old chair creaking at the strain, and he took one of the ragged potholders from the stove. He deftly placed it into Duo's searching hand. Duo murmured happily and squeezed it. "Squishy," he said in his sleep, pleased, and then was quiet.
Wu Fei looked up to meet all of their shocked looks . He scowled and snarled, though quietly, "Whatever will keep the fool quiet while we talk about important matters!"
Quatre stifled a laugh behind one hand and they continued to talk.
________________________
Duo blinked open eyes slowly and then started, disoriented and not sure where he was. He took in a dilapidated room and plucked at the thin blankets on the single bed that he had been sleeping on. One window was cracked and a chill wind blew in followed by the sound of bird song.
Shivering in just his thin undershorts, Duo pulled the blanket around him and padded over to the window. He tried to shut it, but it was stuck on at least a hundred years worth of paint jobs. He wrinkled his nose at the faint smell of mildew in the room and his feet shuffled through dead leaves on the floor. The place must have been abandoned and left open to nature for a long time, he concluded as he went back to the bed. That theory was reinforced when he saw that the 'mattress' of the bed was only a thick sleeping bag rolled over rusty springs. His aching back told him that it hadn't been very soft.
Heero walked into the room, then, seemingly intent on his thoughts. When he saw Duo awake and sitting down on the edge of the bed, he smiled. Duo tried to remember what had happened before waking up in that room and couldn't. He blushed in embarrassment.
"Uh, so, what exactly happened?" Duo asked tentatively. He nervously concentrated on pulling his braid apart, not able to meet Heero's eyes.
Heero sat down in a chair by an old table that was so weathered that it was hard to tell what color it had been painted. His lap top was placed on top of it. Heero opened the cover and turned on the battery pack, obviously not trusting the wiring in the house. As the computer hummed and booted up, he regarded Duo curiously and replied, "You fell asleep while you were talking to Trowa and Quatre in the kitchen. I brought you up here."
"Oh." Duo tried to picture that scene and felt even more embarrassed. He combed his hair with his fingers until it was straight and then he began braiding it again. Heero grimaced. Duo raised eyebrows. "What?"
"Perhaps a shower?" Heero suggested.
Duo snorted. "That'd be good, but can I get one in this place?"
Heero nodded. "Quatre made sure the pipes were still working and it was simple to rig a pump on the water systems."
"Heat?" Duo wondered, knowing all ready that he was asking too much.
Surprisingly, Heero nodded and he seemed pleased with himself. "I was able to clean the heating coils and repair the solar collector for the tank."
Duo chuckled. "Solar collector? How old is this house?"
"Old enough not to have power cells," Heero told him.
"All hail sun power!" Duo laughed outright. "Power cells would have been dead by now and I'm sure none of you guys would have spared a couple for hot water." Heero shook his head, no, confirming that.
Duo stood and stretched, wincing at some deep seated pains. "Shower it is then. Guess I stink, huh?"
Heero gave a firm nod, glad when Duo took to the idea of taking the shower so readily. He hadn't been very hygienic in the past. Heero supposed it wasn't so much out of laziness, but because the pilot of Deathscythe was rarely given the luxury of time for it. Heero also suspected that his street upbringing had put bathing and cleaning clothes on a very remote list of things that could be accomplished. Duo had rarely seemed to think about it unless it was brought to his attention.
"How's our time?" Duo asked as he walked towards the door, undoing his braid again. "Do we have a mission yet?"
"Recon tomorrow night; you and Trowa," Heero told him. "West quadrant. A set of highly defended silos."
"I'll be ready," Duo responded with a grin, and he looked over his shoulder at Heero with Shinigami's eyes; eyes that saw death all ready and were eager for battle. Then he was gone to find the bathroom, and Heero stared after him with a chill. The trained soldier in him respected that look, the one that said that Duo was prepared to do anything to accomplish his mission, the one that was gleeful for the chance of revenge. The man inside of him who loved Duo, felt a pang, and wished that look would go away and never return.
Heero sat, not using his laptop, not preparing information for the recon, but simply thinking about Duo. When the young man returned from his shower, towel wrapped around his very slim waist and rubbing a towel through his dripping went hair, Heero found all thoughts leaving him at the sight.
Duo blushed at Heero's regard and he half turned away. "Uhm..." He seemed unsure of himself.
"I...," Heero cleared his throat and tried again, motioning to a pair of jeans, a warm sweater, and several pairs of undershorts on a rickety side table that looked as if squirrels had been nesting in the one drawer. "Everyone contributed clothing. Yours needed cleaning and repair very badly."
Duo knotted one towel around his hair and then gave Heero a nervous sidelong look. "I know this is stupid, but.... not suggesting that my skinny butt is anything to look at... temptation and all that, you know?" he said in a disjointed, nervous, stumble.
"Understood," Heero replied and turned away to open a program on his laptop. He heard clothes rustling and then a zip and snap that told him that Duo was 'decent'. He turned back around and saw Duo looking at the long legs of the jeans.
"Trowa's, right?" Duo snickered ruefully. He bent and rolled up the hems. That gave Heero a clear view as the jeans tightened over his rounded ass. Feeling a hot feeling rush through him, Heero turned away again. Temptation... Duo had been right about that.
Heero tried to concentrate on the recon mission then, reminding himself with work why they had decided to stay friends. His body sulked and reminded him, almost painfully, that it had been Duo's decision and that it could have handled the recon and taken Duo passionately on the makeshift bed without much time lost. The soldier in him, and his training, protested that self serving line of thought; in total agreement with Duo. Training and body fought. The screen in front of Heero was going unread.
"What's a squishy?" Heero hardly recognized his own voice. It was a desperate attempt to distract himself from a line of thought that could only end badly.
There was thundering silence. Heero didn't want to turn, but he was compelled to when Duo continued to not make a sound. Thankfully, Duo had put on his shirt and he was sitting on the bed, cross legged and still drying out his hair. He was frozen in that attitude, face pale and stricken.
"What?" Duo finally managed to force out.
"In your sleep...," Heero clarified, suddenly unsure whether he had just made things worse for himself. "You mumbled something about a 'squishy'. It seemed very important to you."
Heero's libido calmed down as he began to worry. Duo took a very long moment to answer him and then his voice came out pained and soft, "That... That was a toy.... Sister Helen made it for me..." He lowered the towel into his lap and looked down at it self deprecatingly. "It was just... just a bit of foam insulation she made look like a little elephant. It was soft. I..." The towel knotted in tense hands. "It was squishy see? That's why.... It got destroyed in the church when..."
Duo stopped talking and swallowed hard.
"I'm sorry," Heero said contritely. "I didn't mean to make you remember something painful to you."
Duo shrugged, trying to regain some of his dignity as he said roughly, "Well, you know, I was a little kid back then... Kids have shit like that. I'm sure you did too." It was time for Heero to indulge in some silence. Duo looked up then, concerned. "Heero?"
"I wasn't allowed to keep anything," Heero told him tightly. "Just clothes and weapons."
Duo suddenly held out a hand. It was a firm gesture and demanding, Duo's expression telling Heero not to deny him. Heero's libido was stone cold at the point. There was nothing sexual intended as he moved to accept that offered comfort. He sat beside Duo and Duo draped an arm over his shoulders, squeezing him tight. When he finally relaxed his hold, he looked into Heero's face and said, "Spill it. Come on. I told you my sucky life story, Time for yours."
Heero found himself copying Duo, staring down at the hands knotted in his lap and trying to find the words to explain the life that he had led. "I don't remember my parents, or anyone who took care of me... I only remember a day when I was alone and wandering and Odin Lowe came and claimed me. He trained me to help him. He was an assassin for hire and I was his cover: a man with his son. Who would suspect a killer to hide behind a small child?" Heero's jaw tightened and then he continued, "I wasn't allowed to be a child though. He trained me to be a killer, just like he was; quiet and deadly. When he left me, I was.... lost... without a purpose. Dr. J found me wandering the streets. He took me in and gave me a purpose again. He trained me... told me I was perfect... that I was going to be the best soldier anyone had ever known..."
Duo scowled. "And he told you emotions were bad, didn't he? That you were worthless and only good for giving your life for everyone else? That thinking of yourself was wrong and selfish? That being human was something you had to forget about?"
Heero nodded shakily.
Duo pulled him in close again and growled. "Bullshit, all of it! Dr. G once told me that all of our passion, all of our anger, and all of our sense of what the hell was right, was what made a perfect soldier. People are fickle. If you fight for them, you're bound to get disappointed. Odds are, they'll turn on you or leave you high and dry. Fight for yourself and for what you want. Fight with what's in you and not because of someone's damned orders, and you're more sure to win."
"I didn't have anything inside of me," Heero told him. "I didn't have any reason to fight. Dr. J gave me an ideal; a goal. I was going to train to be the best and I was going to give my life for peace."
"And so another fanatic is created," Duo sighed.
Heero narrowed eyes at Duo. "Revenge is not another form of fanaticism?"
Duo suddenly lowered his forehead to Heero's shoulder and sighed, not looking at him. "I guess it is, in a way, except I'm doing it for myself, not for other people."
"And that's better?" Heero wondered.
"All of it's bad, I guess," Duo replied. "Not feeling anything just seems worse than actually caring about what the killing is all about. Fighting a war like a damned machine and not being allowed to ever think of yourself... A guy should be allowed his squishys, ya know?"
"In between killing people?" Heero asked softly.
Duo sighed again and his arms slipped around Heero. Before Heero could react, he was pulling Heero with him until they were laying side by side on the bed. Duo snuggled against him. "Yeah, inbetween killing people, Heero," Duo replied. "I know it seems like we don't deserve it, that it's wrong for us to want some life, being who we are, but... It's not, Heero. Here," he snuggled even closer, tightening his grip on Heero. "I'll be your friendly squishy when you need me okay?" Heero stiffened uncomfortably; embarrassed. Duo grumble, "Oh, don't give me that tough guy, bullshit!. I need it and you need it, so get over it and hug me back, okay?"
Heero had to be honest. "Duo, it's... difficult for me... I feel... I am finding it.... "
"Oh," Duo said and Heero could feel the hotness of his blush on his skin. Purple eyes met his, unsure and maybe even a little scared, but then they grew fierce. "Heero, like I said, we need this. You've gone too damned long without it. If something happens, well, we'll try not to let it, but I'm not going through this war without touching you."
Heero sat up and replied, "Perhaps... perhaps if we didn't.."
"Lay down in the bed, making it way too easy to..." Duo stopped and then nodded as he stood up, pulling at his jeans as if they had become suddenly uncomfortable. "Hugging ground rules; nothing horizontal. Got ya." He looked at Heero and then said, exasperated at himself, "If we just went ahead and 'did it' we could cut out this crap. I'm sorry, I-"
"No, don't be," Heero told him. "I agree with your reasoning."
Duo growled. "Trowa and Quatre are managing it all just fine, seems like we could-"
"No, Duo," Heero said, cutting him off again, almost afraid that Duo would shake his resolve. He knew better though. He knew that Duo wasn't ready, was immature enough to find sex desirable, but too large a step to take. Heero was still fighting with his training as well, and, though his body was more than ready to plunder the young man before him with abandon, his training supplied him with enough worse case outcomes to cool that desire.
"You had nobody in your life," Duo told him. "Now you have me. I wanna be here for you. Don't back off because you think it might lead to something else."
Heero said firmly, wanting Duo to know, "I would never force you to do something that you weren't ready for."
"So, then, everything is fine," Duo said with a smile. "We don't have to go through this war alone now, so let's not."
Duo looked very serious suddenly.
"Heero?" When Heero raised eyebrows at him in question, Duo licked nervous lips and then asked, "If, by some weird chance, we both survive this war... uhm... got any... you know... plans? I mean, I'll be straight with you. I don't think I'm coming out the other end, but, if... well, if I manage it by some weird fluke... Do you think we could, uhm... try things... together... I mean, not just... you know... sex, but..."
His heart was in his eyes. Heero caressed a calloused finger along Duo's jaw, and found a tender smile forming on his lips. They had talked about it before, but Duo doubted, he had discovered, anything to do with the future. He needed reassurance, needed to reaffirm that Heero really cared about him that much, enough to commit to something more, something other than two libidos finding release at last.
"I want...," Heero paused, trying to encompass all that he felt in mere words. "You," he ended. "Where ever you go, where ever you want to be... I want to be there as well." Heero felt that he had failed to convey anything of what he was feeling, but Duo's face suddenly 'glowed'.
"Same here," Duo replied with the same lack of ability to frame his emotions. They both looked frustrated and then Duo laughed and gave Heero's shoulder a playful punch. "Words don't matter, Heero. I think we both 'get it', right?"
"Yes, I do," Heero agreed, feeling his own kind of glow and then dared to add, an imp he didn't know he possessed taking control of his tongue, "Squishy."
It took a long time before Duo stopped laughing.