Disclaimer: I don't own them and I don't make any money off of this. Warnings: Guys having sex with guys. Graphic. Violence. Attempted suicide. Very angsty. Language galore.
Everyone has been so great to me! I just can't tell you how much I luv ya all! Hope you have a Merry Christmas and a happy New Year!
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Okay... GET THE KLEENEX! TEAR JERKER WARNING!!!
"Who are you on the phone with, Lover?" Dee asked as he kissed Ryo on the cheek and snagged a hand around his waist.
Ryo jerked away, hand over the phone, face going as white as milk. He held the receiver against his chest, closed his eyes for a long moment, and then put the phone against his ear again. "Aunt Elena?" he said cautiously.
Dee gasped in shock, mouthing the word 'sorry'. He tried to take hold of Ryo and hold him. Ryo jerked away harshly and retreated with the phone, asking again, "Aunt Elena?"
"I think we need to talk, Ryo," Elena finally said. "It seems you've been keeping a secret."
"Gomen nasai, Aunt Elena!" Ryo babbled, "Anata ni wa wakaranai no yo-"
"Stop!' Aunt Elena barked and then more gently. "In English, calmly tell me who just called you, 'Lover'. It did not sound like a woman's voice, Ryo-kun."
"I...," Ryo swallowed hard. He felt like dropping the phone, running away, dying... anything to avoid having to explain. He considered lying. It was just a joke... no, Aunt Elena wasn't stupid. The time had come. He had put it off, avoiding it for far too long. It was time for the truth...
"Aunt Elena, I'm gay. Dee Latener and I... live together."
"I always suspected as much," Aunt Elena replied. She was silent then.
Ryo waited for her judgment, words of condemnation or acceptance, he wasn't certain. He flushed hot and cold, avoided again Dee's caring touch.
"I'll box up your things and send them to you, Ryo," Elena said at last in a voice that was numb with shock and loss. "I have grandchildren, and your little cousins, here. I can't have you... Bob would be against having you around them."
Ryo hid his face behind his shaking hand, tears slipping out. It wasn't just her new husband, Bob, who didn't trust him around children, it was plain in Aunt Elena's voice that she didn't trust Ryo either. It was like getting stabbed in the heart.
"Y-You don't want to... You don't want to see me anymore, Aunt Elena?" Ryo managed to ask. Dee's mouth opened in shock. He sank into a chair and dropped his face into his hands, mortified by what he had caused to happen.
"Not here," Aunt Elena replied. "I-I'll come see you there, in New York, Ryo." She made an attempt to be kind after cruelty. "You're still my nephew, Ryo. I-I still love you. I promised your parents, if something happened to them, that I would always look after you. I will still do that... you know I'm more open minded than most... I just... I have the family to think about, not just myself. You understand?"
"Yes, I understand," Ryo mumbled. "I have to," he stifled a sob. "I have to go now, Aunt Elena. Take care."
Ryo hung up the phone and stood as still as stone, face white, and eyes wet with tears. Dee slowly looked up at him, his face stricken.
"It's not your fault," Ryo said numbly before Dee could speak. "You didn't know. I-I love you, Dee," he did sob then. "I wanted them to know that, eventually. She, Aunt Elena, didn't even give me the chance... she just... Oh, God!" Ryo sobbed and suddenly sat down hard on the floor. "She-She won't let me see them anymore, Dee! I've lost my family!"
Dee fell out of the chair to his knees and pulled Ryo against him. They cried together, wrapped around each other, as Ryo's heart bled.
"You have to reconsider!" Dee argued hotly. "I can send you case after case where a pedophile is straight, not gay. You can't possibly think that Ryo would harm a child!"
At the station, hunched behind a file cabinet and using J.J.'s phone, Dee made one last ditch effort.
"You're killing him! Your family, his blood relatives, mean everything to Ryo. If you take that away from him, I don't know what's going to happen. He's already-"
A dial tone sounded. When had Ryo's Aunt Elena hung up the phone? Before or after Dee had told her that Ryo had been switching between quiet bouts of depression and outright weeping for days since he had been accidentally 'outed' to her. Ryo had always said that his Aunt Elena was open minded, a very strong willed, yet loving woman. Her reaction to Ryo seemed at all odds with that image, yet Dee knew that bigotry tended to rear it's ugly head where a person least expected it to.
"Damn!" Dee hung up the phone and took a deep, steadying breath. He wasn't good at this, he thought, he didn't know what to say or what to do. Dee didn't have family to reject him, he was an orphan, and he had a tough, screw you, attitude when it came to anyone who disapproved of his lifestyle. Ryo was another matter entirely. Sensitive and caring, things that Dee could shrug off easily cut Ryo to the quick. There wasn't going to be a cure for this emotional trauma any time soon. Riding it out, being there for Ryo, and reminding him that he and Bicky were his family too, was the best course of action for now, Dee thought.
"Not good," J.J. sighed. He was sitting at his desk, back turned to Dee, but he had been listening to every word. "My parents always knew that I was gay and so did I. I didn't have any trouble. Ryo is just coming to terms with knowing he is gay. He didn't need this happening to him on top of it. You're a real idiot, Dee."
Dee felt that sting him, but he had blamed himself enough already. "I won't hide from people, J.J.. I'm sorry Ryo was hurt, but he would have had to tell her anyway. She was coming to visit next month. I wasn't going to hide from her or pretend we were just sharing an apartment. Ryo knew that. He was preparing for it."
J.J. shook his head. "You know how I feel about Ryo. We're rivals, but I wouldn't wish something like this on my worst enemy. To be rejected by his entire family... I can't even imagine that kind of pain."
"I was left in an alley when I was a baby, remember?" Dee growled. "I can imagine it. It ate at me, that rejection, for a long time... still does, I guess, but Ryo and, yes, that little snot, Bicky, are my family now. Ryo has to be made to see that too."
"It's not the same, Dee," J.J. replied sympathetically. "It never will be. You must know that?"
Dee felt the ache, deep down in his heart, that he still carried around, no matter how much he tried to deny it. Yes, he still felt angry, sad, and rejected. Some little part of him would always long to find his real family and to have his mother tell him, "Oh, it was all a mistake." A dream, Dee thought bitterly, a child's dream that would never become a reality, yet he couldn't banish it completely. He understood exactly what J.J. was saying, but he denied it. Accepting it meant that Ryo would never get better and Dee was very afraid of that happening. He loved Ryo. He didn't want the man to turn bitter and angry, holding his rejection forever in his heart just as Dee was doing. Dee wanted to spare him that anyway he could. There had to be a way to convince Elena to accept Ryo again. He wouldn't rest until he found it.
Ryo turned his face away from the plane tickets. "Get your money back," he said angrily.
Dee held the tickets tightly in one fist, almost crushing them, and then he tossed them onto the dashboard of the car and glared at oncoming traffic. "You can't change her mind by not saying anything or by not confronting her. We need to go to her home and face her together."
"And if she rejects me again?" Ryo demanded hotly. He gritted his teeth and then said quietly. "I couldn't stand that, not face to face."
Dee pulled into the garage of an abandoned building and parked. He lit up a cigarette and puffed at it in agitation. He stared hard at the brick wall in front of them and then said, as if he were speaking to it instead of to Ryo. "What hurt worse? Being rejected by your Aunt Elena or having her automatically think that, because you're gay, it naturally makes you a pedophile?"
Ryo put a hand to his mouth to stifle a sob. Dee reached out quickly and pulled Ryo into his embrace. Ryo dug into his side and cried, while Dee continued to puff on his cigarette, trying to understand and offer some solution that Ryo could accept.
"It could be that she's just upset and not thinking," Dee finally said. "We can give her time to sort out her feelings about this, about you, but, in the end, you're going to have to try and talk to her again. You can't NOT try, Ryo. She loved you like a mother. That's what you told me. You have to convince her that you are still the same person she loved and cared about."
Ryo quieted after a time, sniffled, and then sat up, wiping at his nose with a handkerchief. "Sorry, Dee, I know I sound-"
"Don't apologize," Dee said cutting him off. "You have every right to feel bad. I'm only going to criticize you if you don't do something about it."
"I'll have to talk to her, just... just not right now," Ryo replied and straightened his jacket. He sniffled again and blinked at the garage. "Where-?"
"This is where Johnson was murdered. Third floor," Dee informed him as he stubbed out his cigarette in the ashtray. "Feel up to it?"
Ryo frowned. "I can do my job, Dee. Don't worry about that."
Dee snorted. "I wasn't asking if you could, I was asking if you FELT like doing it. I can handle this if you don't want to."
Ryo scowled and opened the door. He climbed out without a word. Dee gathered their papers and climbed out as well. They slowly surveyed the garage.
"Over there," Dee said and headed for an open door that led to a stairway. Ryo followed quietly. As they started up the stairs, Dee had a feeling that Ryo's thoughts had already left the case.
When he glanced back, his hunch was confirmed. Ryo was staring hard at nothing, his expression mirroring his inner turmoil.
Ryo wasn't going to forget his Aunt Elena's cruel words, Dee realized, but the man definitely needed some sort of distraction, or, he felt, Ryo's depression might really spiral out of control. If only he wasn't so sensitive, Dee thought, but then changed his mind in the next instant. No, that's what he loved most about Ryo. His sensitivity and his caring. Dee wouldn't change that for the world.
They reached the third floor. It had been an office building at one time, but now it was gutted. Steel girders were visible, bare, concrete floors were underfoot, and several sections of the wall was gone, leaving the floor open to the elements. Crime scene tape blew in a chill breeze.
Dee hunched into his coat and began taking notes. Ryo stopped just in the doorway, hands tucked into his pockets and eyes roving about dispiritedly. Dee sighed and decided to act as if Ryo had decided not to come along after all. The man's heart wasn't in it. He wasn't going to be much help.
It happened all in an instant. Dee felt Ryo's coat brush past him. Dee turned as if in slow motion, horrified, as he saw Ryo running at full speed straight for the edge of the building. It was a three story fall to a parking lot. Suicide?! Dee was stunned, uncomprehending, and then he was throwing the papers he held aside and springing into motion, running after Ryo and shouting wildly, "Don't! God, no, Ryo!"
Ryo was fast, a blur, but Dee's legs were longer. He saw Ryo dive forward, coat fluttering out towards him, body headed for the edge and the windowsill of broken glass and twisted metal. Dee snagged his hands into Ryo's coat and dragged him back frantically as they both hit the concrete hard, Ryo hanging over the edge and Dee on top of his legs, keeping him narrowly from death.
Dee was weeping as he clawed at Ryo and Ryo was shouting incoherently, half of his body hanging downwards and strangely heavy. Ryo's clothes were slippery in Dee's hands, frighteningly fragile. As he pulled on them, they ripped and began to pull off of Ryo. Why was it so hard to save Ryo's life? Why was he so heavy? Why was Ryo's body refusing to come back to the safety of his arms?
"Stop fighting me!" Dee screamed.
"Tasukete, Dee!" Ryo's choked voice came back to him, begging for help. "Hayaku! Quick, I can't hold on much longer!"
Hold on? Hold on to what? Confused and still sobbing from shock, Dee braced his heels against the window sill and some rebar and pulled back on Ryo until he felt joints pop and muscles strain.
Slowly, as if an eternity was passing, Ryo came back to Dee, body leaving certain death behind and saving another body in the process. Ryo had hold of, with both arms, a wildly struggling youth.
Dee pulled Ryo back against him, wanting to touch him, hold him, reassure himself that the danger was past, but the youth Ryo was restraining was weeping wildly, hot blue eyes, under a tangle of blonde hair, hateful. Dressed in flapping shirts and low slung jeans, it was a wonder that Ryo had kept a hold on him at all or found something of the tall, thin body to grab on to. Ryo had his arms and legs wrapped around the boy now and he looked determined not to let go.
"Backup,' Ryo panted, face covered in sweat and some nasty bruises and cuts the boy had given him. "Services," he continued doggedly. He looked down at himself and the struggling boy. Both of them were stuck with glass, but Ryo had the worst of it, along with several deep gouges from twisted metal and rusted rebar. "Kuso!" Ryo swore as he saw the quick flow of blood. "Ambulance."
Dee fumbled for his cell phone. His hands were shaking. He didn't know what was going on. He wiped at his tear filled eyes with the back of his hand and then punched numbers with his thumb.
"Why?" Ryo demanded suddenly.
The boy swore at him.
Ryo repeated more forcefully, "Why?! Tell me! I almost died for you. You owe me an explanation!"
The boy stopped struggling as the enormity of nearly dying hit him. His face crumpled and he sobbed, going limp in Ryo's arms, but his reply was fierce, full of pain and self loathing, "I'm a damn fag, isn't that reason enough?!"
"We need to work on a signal," Dee said as he lowered Ryo onto the living room couch and put the remote close to his hand. Bandaged heavily, Ryo was weary from the trip to and from the hospital. He hardly heard what Dee was saying as he felt at his arm and winced.
"I think they missed one," Ryo hissed.
Dee crouched and felt the skin there.
Ryo flinched. "That hurts!!"
"Let me get the tweezers and the violins," Dee growled as he pulled out a very small sliver of glass and dropped it into an ashtray.
Ryo swallowed as he leaned back into the couch cushions. He tried to sit so that nothing hurt. It was impossible. "You're angry," he said, stating fact.
"Damn right I am!" Dee retorted as he sat onto the edge of the coffee table facing Ryo. "You scared the shit out of me today! I thought..." Dee looked down at his clenched hands, feeling the fear rising again. He had come so very close to losing Ryo. "Like I said... we need a signal for when you try and jump out of buildings for a reason."
Ryo studied his dark haired lover. Dee was usually the strong one, the guy to take it on the chin and keep on going, but this had marked him deeply. Ryo didn't understand. "Are you telling me that you wouldn't have tried to save that kid from jumping?"
Dee's head shot up and he scowled. "Of course I would have! If I had seen him, I would have been right there beside you trying to save his ass."
Ryo searched Dee's face, the hallow, green eyes and the pinched mouth. "Then what-"
"I thought you were the one trying to commit suicide!" Dee finally exploded. "You ran past me right for the edge of the building! I didn't know! How could I? I thought... I thought I was going to die, too ... my heart felt... Shit, Ryo! You're the one with all the sensitive emotions! Why can't you see what you did to me?!"
"I can," Ryo replied quietly. "I just didn't understand why you were feeling this way. I know," he shivered, "I know I almost died today. If you hadn't been there to grab me, I would have fallen too." He reached out and gathered Dee to him, ignoring the stabbing pains it caused. Dee rested his cheek against Ryo's chest and listened to his heart beat, eyes closed tight and determined not to cry. There had been way too much of that lately.
"I'm not the type to commit suicide, Dee, " Ryo said after a time. "I wouldn't do that to you or Bicky. Please believe that. I'm very upset about Aunt Elena, but I'm not stupid. I know how much I have... how much both of you love me."
"Me especially," Dee said. He straightened, wiped at his eyes, and then gave Ryo an intense look.
"Bicky isn't due back home for a few hours. Let me show you just how much I love you before he comes back, okay?"
Ryo smiled gently at Dee and ran a hand through his dark hair. "I'm exhausted. What did you have in mind?"
Dee was suddenly hooking arms under Ryo and lifting him up off of the couch. Ryo protested, but then sighed as Dee carried him into the bedroom as if he was as light as a child. Dee's wiry strength always amazed him.
Dee sat Ryo on the edge of the bed, nuzzled Ryo's sweet, soft neck, and said, "Let me do everything. I want- I don't know if I can even explain it." Dee began to undo the buttons of Ryo's shirt and tried again. "I want to touch every inch of you, reassure my mind that you're here and alive, that I didn't miss telling you that I love you, that you didn't die not hearing me say that you're beautiful, the most wonderful man on Earth, and that I feel lucky to have you in my life."
Dee finished with the buttons and spread open Ryo's shirt. The bandages were ugly, but the skin still showing was silky and pale, pink nipples erect and enticing. He licked at them, wrapping a hot tongue around one and then the other. Ryo hissed in pleasure and held Dee's head with tense hands, urging that talented tongue to continue.
Dee kept his movements slow. He wanted to savor the moment and Ryo. Pushing Ryo onto his back, Dee finished undressing him, revealing the stitches, the cuts, gouges, and deep bruises of his near death encounter. Ryo wasn't showing any arousal. The man had taken pain medication. There was a probability that Dee was going to have to go solo. He accepted that and didn't mind. It gave him more time, time to show Ryo that this was love and that there wasn't anything wrong with it, no matter what his Aunt Elena or the world said. Stay with me, Dee said with his soft caresses and warm kisses, forget about them. They can't touch this. They can't make it wrong or dirty. They can't destroy something so strong. Love me. Let me love you.
"Irashaii," Ryo breathed and turned on his side, back to Dee's arousal.
Dee kissed his neck, gently lifted Ryo's leg with one strong arm, and then entered him slowly, taking his time, making it last, the juices of his excitement and Ryo's relaxed state, allowing him to slide in easily. He moved in and out of Ryo, one hand holding him and the other stroking Ryo's sudden hardness. Dee touched Ryo's prostate, rubbed it with the head of his member, and felt Ryo stiffen even more and groan softly. Excitement was winning over the drugs. Dee smiled into Ryo's fall of honey hair and began to thrust in earnest, hand stroking Ryo to completion as he shot a hot load of semen into Ryo.
Panting, they wrapped up under the blankets and lay as close together as they could. "Love you," Dee whispered into Ryo's ear. "Let them think what they want. It doesn't matter. This is perfect, being together. It isn't wrong. Something so strong can't be wrong, Ryo."
Ryo felt himself drifting off into sleep, the drugs claiming him. He brought Dee's hand close and kissed it tenderly, before hugging it like a security blanket against his heart. "I love you, too, Dee," he replied quietly, "That's why we're going to go to Aunt Elena's and tell her that. She may reject me still, but she'll do it knowing everything about me and about you. She's going to have to deny me to my face. If she does, that will be her problem. It will hurt, but, well, she doesn't control everyone in the family. There may be some who will still see me, regardless." Ryo paused, swallowed hard on tears, and then told Dee firmly. "I'm not going to let her make me think there's something wrong with me, either. There isn't."
Dee held Ryo even tighter. "No, there isn't. You're everything that's right with the world, Ryo." Ryo sighed and smiled, drifting on Dee's love and the medication. It came to him just before sleep claimed him completely, thoughts of that poor boy who had tried to commit suicide, rejected utterly by his family just as Ryo had been, and thinking that he was worthless and wrong. Who did he have to love him and tell him it was okay? Ryo determined to talk to him in the morning. Ryo would tell him. Ryo would help him to see the truth and to reject the lies that had almost destroyed them both.
****Owari****