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Shinigami's Lover Arc 1

Part 1: Shinigami's Lover
by Kracken (signs@screaminet.com)

Disclaimer: I want to own them, but I don't.
Warning: No sex, but implied Yaoi. Angst. Poor Duo. You have been
warned. 1x2

Visit my ML at http://groups.yahoo.com/group/krackenml/
Updates at http://groups.yahoo.com/group/KrackenficsML
Published works at Amazon.com under Della Boynton
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/1589090691

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"You can't make me!"

"I can."

"You can't!"

"I can!"

"Can't!"

"Did." Heero lifted the intricate piece of metal so that Duo could
see it. "You can't go anywhere in Deathscythe without this and," he
lifted a motorcycle part in his other hand, "you can't ride your bike
without this."

"Bastard!"

"Yes, I am," Heero agreed grimly and it wasn't an attempt at humor.
"You're very ill. Trowa ordered you to stay in bed for a week."

"Since when do you care so much?" Duo demanded, his indignant
expression ruined by the need to blow snot into a wad of Kleenex. "I
did what I had to. I broke into Oz security, slogged through the
swamps to escape, rescued my Gundam, and made it back in one piece,
mission accomplished. That's all you usually care about. Why is this
time different?"

"You have pneumonia," Heero snapped back, determined to get through
to Duo and force him to see sense. "That makes it different. If you
don't follow Trowa's orders, you might become very sick. Since we
can't risk taking you to a hospital, you might also die."

Duo grinned flippantly, "Aw! Heero! You care! You really care! Come
on now, give me a kiss!"

"Shut up, Baka!" Heero scowled, hand automatically going to his gun
in its butt holster, as if he were really afraid Duo might try and
kiss him.

Duo had to chuckle. Pale as a ghost, nose red, and violet eyes
watering and bloodshot, he looked like Shinigami warmed over lying in
his bed, not a threat to anyone's virtue. He doubted that he could
even stand. Not that he would have tried anything with Heero Yuy if
he could have. The man was just too cold, too dangerous, and too
ready to use that gun of his even on his 'friends'. It was a puzzle,
the way he was worried about Duo's health now, but Duo was sure there
was some military advantage to be gained or mission position to be
filled that required that he, Duo, go on living.

"So, who gets the duty of taking care of me?'

Heero raised an eyebrow. "Take care of you? You'll take care of
yourself. I can't spare anyone-"

"Breakfast!" Quatre came in with a sunny smile and food balanced on
a tray. "Prop him up, Heero, so he can eat properly."

"Yeah, Heero," Duo grinned cheekily. "Fluff my pillow, will ya?"

"I have maintenance schedules to keep," Heero growled. "I've wasted
valuable time as it is."

Heero stalked out of the room, leaving an awkward silence. Duo's
smile faltered as he allowed himself to sink back into the bed,
exhausted. He hadn't wanted to look weak in front of Heero, the
pilot's opinion of him mattering more to him than he was willing to
admit.

"Damn him!" Quatre swore softly, as he put the tray on a small desk,
shoving Heero's laptop almost onto the floor. Duo tensed, gritting
his teeth, and then sighed in relief as Quatre caught the computer
absently and slid it back to safety. Duo wouldn't have given odds on
Quatre staying alive long if that laptop had hit the floor. The thing
was Heero's life blood!

"Why are you surprised?" Duo wanted to know as the blonde Arabian
helped him to sit up. The new position made Duo's face flush and he
felt dizzy. He hated it, the damned illness that was sapping all of
his strength, making him a prisoner in his own bed. It was a moment
before he realized that Quatre was answering him and that he had
missed some of the explanation.

"-rotten bedside manner," Quatre was saying as he picked up the tray
and brought it over to Duo. "I shouldn't have left him alone with
you, but I thought he would..."

"Turn into nurse Heero, or something?" Duo laughed and then coughed
as his throat filled up with phlegm. He felt Quatre rub and pat his
back as hacked up a Kleenex full of the stuff.

Duo recovered, tossing the wet Kleenex into a wastebasket filled
with them. It worried him, that fluid. When he saw a flickering echo
of his worry reflected on Quatre's face, Duo became even more
worried. Just how bad was he? He began to wonder if his companions
weren't telling him something.

Quatre was too cheery. It was obviously forced. The pilot always
wore his heart on his sleeve. He wasn't good at lying. As he put the
tray into Duo's lap and hovered helpfully, Duo gently pushed him away.

"I'm not a baby, Quatre. Heero's right. I can take care of myself."

"Duo," Quatre was careful with his words, trying to make Duo
understand where Heero had failed too. "You spent three days in
Deathscythe in a cold swamp with a raging fever. I don't know how you
managed to pilot your Gundam back to the hangar, but you were
delirious when we reached you. Trowa went through bags of saline
solution and antibiotics to stabilize you. You aren't out of danger
yet. You have to do everything right, okay? You have to rest and let
us take care of you."

"K," Duo replied in a small voice, feeling suddenly very frail. It
made him angry, irritable, and something else he didn't want to admit
to... afraid. It lodged down deep, in the center of Duo's being, as
dangerous as the phlegm threatening to fill up his lungs until he
suffocated. Shinigami didn't want to know that he was mortal, that
something like pneumonia could kill him when bullets and Oz soldiers
hadn't been able to.

"We'll do everything for you," Quatre was saying gently, seeing
Duo's troubled expression. "You can have anything you want, even that
outrageous double decker cheeseburger you keep pestering me to make.
Just... Just get better, Duo."

Duo forced on his trademark grin, lifting the mask that kept the
world from seeing his real insecurities. "You'll regret those words,
Quatre Winner! It's dangerous to promise Shinigami everything!"

"There's one thing Shinigami can't have," Quatre replied and it
wasn't Duo's nickname he was speaking of, but the real Shinigami. The
Arabian was determined that Death was not going to claim his good
friend.

"Thanks, Quatre," Duo said, embarrassed by Quatre's affection but
grateful all the same. He needed the Arabian's strength. He didn't
have enough of his own. When the boy settled into a chair though, as
if he were going to stay a long time, Duo felt uncomfortable. "Uh,
you're staying?"

Quatre nodded as he fished a paperback book out of his back pocket.
English poetry, Duo was able to read on the cover, before the boy
opened it up to a well worn, book-marked page. "You can't be left
alone," Quatre informed him as he began to read. "We'll switch off
watching you until your fever breaks and you improve." Quatre looked
over the pages of his book at Duo. "We know you well enough by now to
know that you won't stay in bed unless you're forced to."

Duo felt helpless anger, but he continued to hide it behind his
smile. The Arabian didn't even realize that he was twisting a knife
already buried in Duo's heart. Duo felt the fear and insecurity
inside him begin to grow.

***

Nightmares plagued Duo, formless blobs of writhing reds and blacks
interwoven with clawing hands and prickling heat. Again and again,
Duo awoke, sweating and afraid. He didn't know why. He couldn't
remember what the nightmares were about after his head cleared. He
just felt threatened, helpless, as weak as a baby afterwards.

The others were worried. Duo wasn't getting enough sleep. His health
seemed to be getting worse, not better. Trowa even felt it necessary
to hook Duo up to an I.V. again and begin another course of
antibiotics. It kept the others busy, acquiring the things from the
nearby hospital that he needed by any means necessary. It didn't make
Duo feel any better about himself to know that he was making them
risk themselves like that for him.

Damn body! Duo thought. Get better! You're young! You are, were,
healthy, damn it! It just wasn't right that the sickness kept eating
away at him.

Heero was watching him that day, or pretending to, as he tapped away
at a mission report on his laptop. He didn't say anything or even
look at Duo for nearly an hour. Duo, for his part, almost began to
cry and beg for some attention, some relief from the boredom and the
constant, spiraling depression and fear about his failing health.

"Uh, Heero?" Duo began.

"Hn?"

"Get me that manga over there, would you?"

"You have six already in reach," Heero replied as he continued to
type. "You made me get them one at a time. I suggest that you
organize your needs in a more coherent fashion and then make another
request. It will be your last, so make a list carefully."

"Heero?"

"Hn?"

"Why are you such a bastard?"

"Is that your request?" Heero grunted without turning or getting
angry. "You must not need anything then."

Lying almost flat in a mound of pillows and comforters, hooked to
clear plastic lines and suspended bags of fluids, Duo felt as if all
he needed now was a toe tag and someone to declare him dead. His head
hurt, his vision was blurry, and his skin felt dry. He struggled to
draw in one breath after another, trying to squeeze air into his
fluid filled lungs. Everyone had been sad and solicitous, even Wu
Fei. Everyone had jumped to fulfill Duo's every whim. They didn't
understand that they were only reinforcing the fear inside of Duo,
his feeling of helplessness and frailty. Heero's cold, matter-of -
factness, and his casual disregard for Duo's condition was actually
exactly what Duo needed. He needed someone to be a bastard to him, to
believe that he wasn't that bad off, and that he could do something
for himself.

"Go to sleep and leave me alone, Baka," Heero growled.

"I can't," Duo replied anxiously. He didn't want to admit to Heero
that he was afraid to sleep, afraid that the nightmares might come
back or, worse, that he would die in his sleep.

"Then don't sleep," Heero retorted. "Just shut the hell up."

"I-," Duo thought with desperation. "I never go to bed without
brushing out my hair first. It tangles so easily when I'm sleeping.
Could you-"

"I will not brush your hair!" Heero replied in exasperation, but he
was rising from his chair and going into the bathroom. He reemerged
with Duo's hair brush. Handing it to Duo, he said sternly. "Do it
yourself."

Duo's hand closed on the hairbrush. The hand shook. It looked very
thin, the bones and veins standing out and the skin waxen pale.

"Well?"

Duo looked up at Heero, but he managed a grin as he began pulling
his hair out of its braid. "You are a bastard, Heero Yuy. If I die,
will you make me bury myself too to save you the trouble?"

There was silence. Heero's blue eyes narrowed and his mouth went
into a hard line. He spoke after a long moment and there wasn't the
slightest doubt or hint of a lie. "You won't die."

Duo blinked up at him. "Why not? Everyone dies, Heero."

"Not you," Heero replied, but he didn't elaborate as he turned away
and picked up his laptop. He tucked it under his arm and headed for
the door.

"Where are you going?" Duo wondered in confusion. "I thought I was
supposed to have a guard at all times."

"You're a Gundam pilot," Heero replied, pausing at the open door,
"not a child. If you want to get out of bed and therefore kill
yourself, that is your business, not ours. As to where I'm going... I
have a mission. I'll be back in four days." Duo began to ask
questions, but Heero was already gone.

Sighing, Duo finished with his hair. He was only able to braid it
halfway and he did a crappy job of it, but it was accomplished and he
felt better about himself afterwards. When he stretched out to sleep,
he was relaxed, the fear of death held at bay by Heero's belief that
he, Duo, was going to get well. Heero's confidence kept the
nightmares at bay too and, for once, Duo slept peacefully.

***

"How could he?" Quatre shouted in disbelief. He had Duo's breakfast
on a tray and he was looking furiously at the room empty of Gundam
Wing's pilot. "Why didn't you call for one of us, Duo? The door was
open. We would have heard you."

Duo was still sleepy. He rubbed at his eyes and tried to think about
what Quatre was saying. "S'all right," he murmured around a yawn. "I
didn't need anyone's help. I just slept."

Quatre put the tray aside onto a table and then leaned over Duo,
feeling his forehead in concern. "You're still running a fever. What
if something had happened last night? I can't forgive Heero for
abandoning you! I'll call for Trowa and he can check your vitals."

Fear. It oozed from Quatre and infected Duo. The boy was really
afraid for him. It leached away the confidence Heero had given Duo
the night before. Trowa, when he came, didn't make Duo feel any
better. The quiet boy went very grim when Quatre informed him of what
Heero had done.

"You could have tangled your lines in your sleep," Trowa grumbled.
"Your fever could have risen or your blood pressure could have
dropped dangerously. Yuy might as well have just..." he stopped and
took an angry breath.

"What?" Duo wondered with a plastered on grin, "Shot me? Am I really
that bad, Trowa? Come on! Heero was just being Heero! I slept pretty
good, for once, and I didn't need him at all. Where's the harm?"

"You're just lucky there wasn't any or I would have- would have...,"
Quatre blustered when Trowa put a finger to his lips.

"You're upsetting, Duo," Trowa told him calmly. "We'll deal with Yuy
when he comes back. Forget about it for now. Duo's going to be in our
care from now on."

They hadn't answered his question, Duo thought, and the fear bloomed
inside of him again. He watched in trepidation as Trowa attached new
bags to his I.V.s and frowned helplessly at the instruments
monitoring his vitals. "I wish I was more than just a medical hack,"
Trowa muttered to no one in particular.

"He needs a hospital," Quatre seethed.

Trowa didn't reply to that. They all knew that taking Duo to a
hospital was out of the question. Oz had been stepping up its
security details of late. Duo's beloved braid marked him too well. He
simply couldn't be slipped in under an assumed name.

"Hey, guys!" Duo beamed. "Come on! Stop the sad faces! I'm fine!
Really, I am. In a couple of days, I'll be bouncing around and making
your lives miserable again."

"Of course you will, Duo," Quatre replied in a tone that was
sickening to Duo. The man was trying to humor him, comfort a dying
boy. Duo wanted to scream and lash out, prove to them all that
Shinigami was still strong and that something as simple as a fever
couldn't take his life. They wouldn't believe it, he knew. He didn't
believe it.

***

The fever raged. Duo wasted. The fear of death grew.

He needed to escape them, Duo decided on the second day. He needed
to get away from the people who believed that he was going to die.
They did think that he was going to die. He'd heard them talking
outside his room when they'd thought he was asleep.

Trowa: "He's burning up."

Wu Fei: "There's no justice in this."

Quatre, swallowing: "There's no chance at all of recovery?"

Trowa: "There's always a chance, but.... he should have been getting
better by now. Instead, he's getting worse. Those nightmares of
his... they're sapping what strength he does have. I've tried
sleeping pills and other medications, but they don't stop the dreams."

Wu Fei: "What could he be dreaming about?"

Quatre: "I asked him, but he said he didn't know."

Damn them! Duo thought. They had him buried already! Didn't they
have any confidence in him at all? Didn't they think he was man
enough to get over this? No, they didn't, because they knew more
about his condition than he did. They knew how bad he really was and
refused to tell him.

Yes, he had to get away. It was an irrational thought but he wasn't
aware of that. Delirium had set in. It seemed perfectly logical to
run away from everything that could help him live, because he was
also running away from their belief that he was dying.

Duo looked down at his hands. He had been idly scribbling on the
napkins that had come with his lunch. His pen had sketched out a
familiar figure. He smiled as he crumpled the napkin in his hand and
then let napkin and pen fall to the floor. He knew where to go now.
He knew where he could find comforting arms and someone who had
always been there for him, who had helped Duo believe in his strength
and his invincibility. He knew nowhere there was safety.

***

Attempt One:

"How long was he in the hallway?" Quatre demanded as Wu Fei carried
a limp Duo back into his room and placed him gently back on the bed.
Tubes and I.V. needles lay everywhere.

Trowa leaned over Duo and checked under one eye lid. When the pupils
dilated, he only allowed himself a moment of relief before he was
reattaching the I.V.'s and checking Duo's blood pressure.

"I don't know," Wu Fei was replying in exasperation. "He asked me to
go get him some ice cream. When I came back, the devil was stretched
out in the hallway in his robe."

Trowa scowled. "Where did he think he was going?"

Wu Fei shook his head. "I don't know. He said something about being
bored out of his skull, but I never guessed he had the strength to
get out of the bed, let alone down the hallway. Perhaps he was going
to find something to do?"

"Shinigami's love," Duo murmured fretfully in his delirium. "Have to
get to him. He understands. He'll save me."

"What did he say?" Wu Fei breathed in shock. "He was trying to get
to his love? ...A man?"

Quatre and Trowa looked at each other behind Wu Fei's back. "Heero's
on a mission," Quatre said, but meant something else entirely. Trowa
shook his head in disbelief. Quatre nodded and glanced over at
Heero's empty bed. The two always did sleep in the same room no
matter what the situation. Still, it was hard to believe that someone
as outgoing and fun loving as Duo could have developed an attachment
for the cold, unfeeling Heero. Trowa wasn't ready to believe it. He
shook his head in the negative again. There had to be someone else
that Duo was talking about.

"Did you know this about Maxwell?" Wu Fei demanded, turning about
suddenly to stare at Quatre and Trowa.

Quatre stammered, not sure how to reply, but Trowa was adamant. "We
don't know anything. The mind can behave oddly when under the stress
of a fever. It's best just to ignore whatever he says."

"I usually do," Wu Fei admitted, but then looked guilty. "I should
have when he asked me for the ice cream. He wanted me gone so he
could try and get to this...this man of his."

"We need to watch him more carefully," Trowa replied and pulled up a
chair so that he could more closely monitor Duo. "I'll take over now.
You two rest up so you can relieve me later on."

When Trowa was alone with Duo, he sighed and rubbed at his eyes
wearily. "Come on, Duo! Shake this thing off and smile again! I'm
actually beginning to miss your practical jokes and that endless,
idiotic chatter of yours."

"I wish I had a recorder," Duo breathed, awake now, but barely
lucid. He coughed up phlegm and Trowa held him until his lungs were
clear again. This was the real problem, Trowa knew, not the fever at
all. No matter what he did, he couldn't get Duo's lungs to clear.
That, in the end, was what was going to kill him.

"I refuse to repeat it," Trowa said with false humor. He watched
Duo's glassy, violet eyes take in the room and the bed he was lying
on. Trowa could see him thinking and then remembering.

Duo smiled weakly. "Guess you caught me."

"Where were you going?" Trowa demanded. "Do you want to die?"

"No," Duo said with all seriousness, his face losing its smile and
constricting in the first expression of fear, Trowa had ever seen on
the pilot. It was there for only a moment and the it was gone,
replaced by sly blandness. "Just bored."

Trowa was repositioning some of the tubing to the I.V.'s. He scowled
and looked up to begin a tirade about how sick Duo was, but he caught
the words before they escaped his mouth. Duo was asleep. The Baka
always did know how to get out of a tongue lashing.

***

Attempt Two:

Quatre was crying in heaving sobs. "I-I fell asleep! Damn me! Damn
me to hell! Trowa, please tell me he's all right?"

They had found Duo in the rain just outside the front door of the
safe house, collapsed and comatose, chill and shaking violently. They
had carried him upstairs and bathed his waxen body in a hot tub of
water. The boy had cried out then, thrashing and coming to his senses
all in an instant, sobbing and demanding that they let him go.

"Shinigami's Lover is waiting for him!" Duo sobbed. "He'll save me!
Why can't you just let me go to him? He knows how to keep me safe! He
won't let me die!"

In the end, Trowa had given Duo the strongest sedative he had and
put him to bed. Still, the boy had tossed and turned in nightmares,
still calling out to his mysterious lover.

"One more day, Duo," Trowa whispered. "Heero will be back in one
more day. You don't have to go to him, he'll come right here and stay
with you. If-If the bastard doesn't, I'll kill him myself!" His voice
had risen with his emotions. He caught himself and looked around at
the others. Wu Fei especially was staring.

"Heero?" Wu Fei breathed. "Yuy?"

"We think so," Quatre said between sobs.

"Heero Yuy?" Wu Fei repeated stunned, "and Duo Maxwell?" His jaw
firmed. "He had better be kind to the boy when he returns or I will
kill him as well!"

***

Attempt Three:

"He hit me on the head when I leaned down to check his I.V.s," Trowa
explained to Heero. "When I came to, he was gone. We searched the
entire house and the surrounding grounds. It seems impossible that he
could have gone further than that, but sickness does strange things.
Sometimes a man can regain his strength and seem perfectly fine right
up until he-" Trowa stopped and swallowed. "Well, everyone's still
looking," he finished lamely. "I stayed to see if there were any
reports of Oz capturing him or any new admissions to the hospital,
though I can't see him getting a far as town in his condition."

Heero surveyed the room with a cold, analytical eye. Mission;
recovery of pilot. Mission: accepted. It was as unfeeling as that and
Trowa felt himself shiver.

"He kept wanting to get to you," Trowa told Heero uncertainly.

Heero stared. "Why?"

"Why?" Trowa echoed. "I guess because you and he are..." He couldn't
finish. He could tell Heero didn't know what he was talking about.
"He kept talking about going to Shinigami's lover," Trowa continued.
"For some reason, he felt he would be safer with that person than
with us. He was clearly delirious."

Heero narrowed his eyes. "You thought that he was speaking of me
when he said this?"

"Uh, well..." Trowa felt afraid. Heero could be violent when he was
unhappy with someone. He was relieved when Heero decided not to
pursue it.

"Continue your monitoring," Heero ordered.

Trowa knew when he was dismissed. He took a last look at the empty
bed. It was cold outside in the dark. If they found Duo, he was
almost certain it would be a corpse and not a living Duo they would
discover. He felt his throat tightening and he left Heero in the room
alone, not wanting the pilot to see his tears.

"Duo Baka!" Heero hissed in annoyance as he let his eyes rove the
room once again for some clue as to where the man had gone. What had
been in Duo's mind? Had it been anything coherent or just the
instinct of an animal going to find a quiet place to die?

Heero's eyes fell on the crumpled up bit of paper and the pen still
on the floor. He picked up the paper and flattened it out. When he
saw the drawing, he suddenly understood.

Heero was a soldier first and foremost. He didn't let anxiety for
Duo's safety make him leave unprepared to take care of Duo on site.
He gathered a medical kit, blankets, heating packs, water, food
packs, and the saline solution bags into a duffel bag. Throwing it
over one shoulder, he made a quick mental checklist to be certain he
wasn't leaving something important behind. When he accounted for
everything, only then would he allow himself to leave. He took to the
woods at the back of the safe house with a mile eating lope.

The Gundams were nestled in the curving arm of a ravine with a
makeshift, vine covered barn constructed over top. Heero had fully
expected Duo to be stretched out dead somewhere between the safe
house and the Gundams. He felt an odd pleasure to discover that the
pilot had made it all the way. Duo was tougher than he acted. Heero
had always suspected it. This was the proof.

Using the lift up to the cockpit of Deathscythe, Heero wasn't
surprised to find Duo inside. Nestled in the reclining command chair,
the braided baka was fast asleep, curled in on himself and shivering
with cold and fever. When Heero opened the cockpit to slip inside
with his duffel bag, Duo didn't react except to curl tighter as the
cold rushed in and sucked out what little heat there was in the
Gundam.

Heero made everything airtight again as quickly as he could, and
then set about unpacking his supplies and taking care of Duo. He
placed heat packs all around the boy and activated them. He wrapped
blankets around the boy and the reclining chair and then set up the
saline solution and reattached the line to the needle still sticking
out of Duo's arm. Hooking the bag to an upper strut, the solution
began to drip slowly into the line.

"Why did you come here?" Heero said to the sleeping boy. "Did you
want to die in Deathscythe?" Heero could understand that, but he felt
there was something more, maybe something he could never understand.
He recalled the drawing he had found of the Gundam, lovingly
rendered. Shinigami's Lover. Is that the way he thought of his
Gundam? When Trowa had thought it was him that Duo had been trying to
reach, Heero had felt something uncomfortable, a longing he had kept
buried deep for some time. It bothered him to know the truth, to know
that Duo would rather care for a cold machine than... Heero cut that
train of thought off like a bad limb. What good did it do to think of
things like that now? Duo needed him, the Perfect Soldier, not the
person Dr. J. had buried alive so long ago. Duo needed a calm head, a
firm hand, and someone to make him see sense. Cold, unfeeling Heero
could do that very well.

Duo looked very ill, but, strangely, at peace. It surprised Heero
when he stirred and opened his eyes, looking lovingly about him at
his Gundam. When he saw Heero, he blinked and then smiled weakly. The
voice that came out of him gurgled and couldn't rise above a whisper.

"Mission completed?"

"Would I be here if it weren't?" Heero growled back.

"No," Duo chuckled. It sounded like he was strangling. He appeared
lucid, not the delirious boy trying to crawl off to die that Trowa
had made him out to be.

"Explain," Heero ordered simply.

Duo puzzled over the command. "I wanted to feel... safe," he said at
last. "Deathscythe is the one place where I've always been in
complete control. I-I feel like I can do anything when I'm here, even
go on living when my damn body doesn't want to."

"You aren't dying," Heero snapped in contempt. "You're just sick.
Get over it so that I can send you on another mission."

Duo blinked and smiled. "Good ol' Heero. Everyone else knows I'm
going to die. Why don't you? They sneak around and whisper it, but...
I heard them. I know. You don't have to pretend."

"Pretend?" Heero crossed his arms over his chest, glowering. "You
know I don't pretend. I deal in facts, not useless emotions like the
others. I know your strengths and your weaknesses. I know that you
won't die from this because I know you, Duo Maxwell."

Duo let that sink in and then he sighed. "Yes, that's what I needed
to hear. I needed to be in this place with you telling me what a baka
I am for thinking that I'm going to die. The others...they gave me
nightmares. They made me feel weak and helpless. They were killing
me, not this virus."

"Hn," Heero agreed. "Sleep. We'll stay here for now. I'll keep watch
for Oz patrols. You left the hangar light on, Duo Baka. Anyone could
have seen it. A sickness isn't an excuse for sloppiness. You
endangered the Gundams...," Heero stopped his tirade. Duo had fallen
asleep.

Heero pulled the blankets up around Duo, frowning down at the pale
features of the boy. He put a rough hand on the clammy forehead and
felt that it was cool. The fever had broken at last. Now Duo was
feeling the chill even more. Without consideration or self
consciousness, Heero added his body warmth to the mix. He slipped
onto the reclining command chair and pulled Duo into his lap. Laying
back, he tugged and arranged the blankets around them both. Duo
sighed and rested his cheek against Heero's chest.

"Deathscythe and Heero; Shinigami's lovers," Duo breathed in his
sleep. "They won't let me die."

Heero stiffened at the revelation. He relaxed in the next moment,
accepting the burden as he held the boy closer to his warmth. It
seemed that Duo loved more than one cold, unfeeling machine. "No, we
won't let you die," Heero whispered.

"Mission: Accepted."

-Owari-

==========================================
Shinigami's Lover Arc 1: Part 2

Part 2: Heero's Lover
by Kracken (signs@screaminet.com)

Disclaimer: I don't own them, really I don't!
Warnings: Hmm, let's see, violence, angst, language, Duo on a
motorcycle (Oooh, baby!) yaoi (Male, Male) relationship. Heero being
Heero (*sigh*), but you wouldn't like him if he was a big cuddly
teddy bear, now would you? Okay, you've been properly warned. Don't
come crying to me... no, don't! I won't listen!

Visit my ML at http://groups.yahoo.com/group/krackenml/
Updates at http://groups.yahoo.com/group/KrackenficsML
Published works at Amazon.com under Della Boynton
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/1589090691
==========================================

"Baka! Baka! Baka!" Duo chanted as his feet pounded out of the
installation, leaving a trail of death and destruction behind him.
"Run! Run! Run! Damn body! Run!"

Duo's breath wheezed. His lungs felt tight and they burned. He
didn't want to run any more, just lie down flat and try to breathe,
but his pursuers were right behind him and Duo Maxwell didn't give up
easily. Looking back at the men running on his heels, Oz soldiers
armed to the teeth and firing shot after shot at his head, he stuck
out an impish tongue and gave them a flip of a finger as he picked up
speed and rounded a corner of a warehouse.

The motorcycle was still there. Duo hopped aboard and cranked the
engine. It stuttered and stopped. "Frickin' piece of-" He cranked it
again and the engine roared to life. "You beautiful, marvelous... Go!
Go! Go!" Duo popped a wheelie as he gunned the engine, racing to
reach the main road before the soldiers reacted to his surprise move
with counter measures of their own.

A bullet ricocheted off the fender. Duo ducked down low as the wind
whipped into his unprotected face. The heat of the engine and the
rumble of the motorcycle between his legs was comforting as Duo raced
away into the night, but he didn't fool himself into thinking that he
had escaped yet. Oz had patrols everywhere. All they had to do was
radio ahead and-

"Shit!" The motorcycle, taking a bend in the road at top speed,
almost barreled straight into a roadblock of Oz vehicles. Duo had a
mad, disjointed vision of Oz soldiers raising their guns to take aim,
headlights shimmering over blacktop to pick him out for a target,
before Duo turned the bike off of the road without slowing.

Suicide, Duo thought, and grinned as he gripped the bike with his
knees as hard as he could and popped a wheelie. If the ground was
soft, he was dead. If it was hard packed, he had a chance... a very
small chance. The bike went flying off of the road and over the
drainage ditch beside it. The back wheel hit the opposite embankment,
spun on hard earth, and went flying forward into a forest as both
wheels came down safely.

"Yeeehaaawww! Don't try this at home, kids!" Duo laughed, adrenalin
pumping as he used every ounce of skill that he possessed not to bash
the bike and himself into a tree trunk.

It was too dark, the trees too thick, and Duo's speed too great.
Luck ran out as he clipped a tree. The motorcycle spun and Duo went
flying off sideways. He landed on the ground and kept sliding. He
heard the motorcycle hit the ground behind him and he knew it was
barelling towards him. Duo rolled into a ball as best he could and
put his hands over his head. The bike hit him hard, wheels still
spinning and engine still racing.

Oh, God! God, no! No! No! No! Pain exploded and a bone crunched in
Duo's shoulder. His leg jammed under the bike and the bike slid over
it to thrust a hot crankcase into Duo's gut. The bike and Duo finally
came to rest tangled together, engine smoking.

Duo tasted blood, spat, and was glad that none of his teeth came out
with it. He fumbled, before checking anything else, for the small
package zipped up in the inside of his black jacket. Good, it was
still safe. He hadn't failed the mission yet. The small disk, nestled
against his heart, held the layout to several new Oz installations.
That information was key to several future missions, missions that
might turn the tide of the war in their favor. Failure wasn't an
option. Duo had known that when he had taken the assignment.

Heero hadn't wanted to give the mission to him. Still recovering
from the pneumonia that had almost killed him, Duo was still thin and
prone to running out of breath. Still, common sense had never been
one of Duo's strong points. It had made him angry too, when Heero had
sized him up with a very blue, intense look and flatly told him to go
rest and leave the mission to someone else. Duo hated looking weak in
front of Heero. He would have done anything to avoid it, even taking
on a mission when he knew he wasn't up to it.

Duo whimpered as he tried to get out from under the bike. That was
okay, he thought, there wasn't anyone around to see him cry like a
girl as he forced his broken shoulder blade to move out from under a
wheel and his fractured leg to come loose from the underside of the
crankcase. His stomach felt as if an elephant had slammed into it,
but, surprisingly, Duo didn't feel anything worse than a huge bruise.
One small blessing in an otherwise miserable situation. He wasn't
going to die right away.

The motorcycle was useless. The front wheel was smashed and it was
spilling gas onto the ground. Duo slapped the engine off. It
spluttered and died. Only then did he hear the sound of Oz soldiers
in the distance, shouting at each other, breaking through the
undergrowth as they tried to coordinate a search for him. Idiots!
Where did they find these guys? Duo thought, all they had to do was
follow the tire tracks to his mangled body. Yeah, it was that easy.
Duo's mind kicked itself as he tried to get up. He had to start
running again, find a place to hide, try and slip through the net of
soldiers and escape. Easier said than done.

How many ways could a body hurt? How much pain could it stand before
the heart just gave out? Duo felt that he was close to finding out as
he tried to put his weight on his fractured leg. He stumbled, went
down on his good knee, and just tried to breathe as the world slipped
in and out of focus. He was biting his hand to keep himself from
screaming. He tasted blood as his teeth ground down through skin.

Okay. He wouldn't be using two legs then. Duo did the only thing he
could do, he hopped on his good leg, dragging the fractured one
behind him. Another stupid trail for them to follow, but he couldn't
stop to erase his tracks. He opted for speed instead, hoping against
hope that he would make it to the beacon before the Oz soldiers
caught up with him. A slim hope. A mad hope. A desperate hope that
didn't have any chance of coming true. Duo felt the gun in his belt.
He touched the knife in its sheathe up his sleeve. He was ready for
the fight of his life at least in the weapon department.

Duo pulled the locator out of his pocket and turned it on for the
briefest second. A flash indicated the direction of the beacon before
Duo hurriedly turned it off. He wouldn't want Oz soldiers picking up
the signal too. Not that there would be anything for them to find.
The beacon was just a sign post. Only Duo knew where the Gundams lay
after that. The map was safely in his head.

"Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, God!" Duo chanted it, shaking feverishly with
the pain at every hop. His broken shoulder blade was a white hot
agony and his leg felt like someone was ripping it open, slowly, from
ankle to knee cap. Add to that the aftereffects of his pneumonia and
Duo was surprised to be on his feet at all.

If he could just get a full breath into his tortured lungs... If he
could just forget the pain and put his weight on his fractured
leg.... If he could just outfox the Oz soldiers.... "Stop whining!"
Duo shouted silently at himself. "Stop crying like a baby!" He was
crying like a baby. He sobbed, panted, and shed tears until it both
his cheeks were damp. What if he ran into Heero? What would Heero
think of him, seeing him like that? Duo hacked on a hysterical laugh.
Why, Heero Yuy would take the disk and shoot him between the eyes...
useless Baka! That's all he was right now. Useless.

So sorry, Heero, Duo thought. I knew better than to do this. Stupid
pride! I just couldn't let you think I was weak.... why does it even
matter so much to me, what you think? They told me that you helped me
when I was out of my mind with fever, but I don't remember that.
Doesn't seem like you. I wished someone had taken a picture to prove
it. Heero Yuy, caring about me.

Did Heero care? The man had been even quieter, more withdrawn, more
cold, more everything since Duo had regained most of his health. Only
those blue eyes had been resting on Duo more than usual, thoughtful,
for the most part, but sometimes so intense that Duo felt afraid.
Afraid of what? Maybe afraid that Heero was writing him off for
future missions. Who wanted a terrorist who let an illness flatten
him out? So, when he'd seen the mission printing out on Heero's
laptop, Duo had insisted, no, demanded that he be allowed to take it.
And, here he was, courtesy of pride and stupidity, ruining the
mission he had counted on to put him back in Heero's column of those
he respected. If Heero had cared, if he had thought of Duo as more
than a one dimensional piece in his war game, Duo had destroyed that.
There wasn't anything more important to Heero than a mission. He'd
never forgive Duo for failing this one.

"Get up, damned terrorist!"

When had he fallen?

Duo opened his gummy eyes and found himself face down in mud. It was
pouring down rain and morning light was beginning to lighten an over
cast sky. Damn! He'd fainted. Useless! He was useless! He tried to
get up, but then howled and collapsed into a shuddering heap of agony
as his body sharply reminded him that it had terrible things wrong
with it.

The Oz soldier prodded Duo roughly with the barrel of a rifle. Duo
peeked at him from the tangle of his wet, matted hair. So young, Duo
saw regretfully, so scared and trying not to be. How really awful for
him. Duo ignored his body and twisted it upwards, slapped the barrel
of the gun aside, and then jammed his knife up under the soldier's
rib cage. The man let out a surprised, "uhnn!" and then fell to his
knees, eyes wide and really terrified now, as he realized that he was
dead. He fell into the mud and rain water, struggled, whined like a
hurt puppy, and then was still as his life's blood oozed out of his
torn heart.

Duo touched the gold cross hanging around his neck and muttered an
absent prayer as he heaved himself to his one good foot, swaying and
staggering as he tried to keep his balance and deal with the pain,
physically and emotionally now. He could hear sounds in the distance
over the rush and patter of the rain falling on the forest. Too
close. Get going! Sorry boy, wish I could at least close your eyes,
Duo thought as he gritted his teeth and made a mad hopping rush away
from the scene of his crime. It had to be a crime, he thought,
killing a child like that, even if he was an Oz soldier about to do
the same to him.

Duo tested for the beacon again, found his bearings, and headed in
that direction. It wasn't far now. Damn rain. The earth was turning
to mud. His hop was slithering now and again, boot slipping,
threatening to send Duo headlong onto his face, maybe breaking his
one good leg if he wasn't careful.

What was Heero thinking now? The man was waiting for him with the
Gundams. He had insisted on coming to be Duo's backup, giving Duo
that new, intense stare until Duo had stopped arguing. He had been so
angry at Heero, Duo remembered. He wasn't angry now. Heero's mistrust
in his abilities had been well founded, it seemed. The man was
probably already suiting up, listening to radio chatter, news
reports, anything that would give him a head's up on Duo's condition
or position. Once he realized that Duo had failed, he'd be looking
for him, either his body, dead somewhere in the forest with the
precious disk, or alive and captured by Oz.

Duo was glad that he wasn't in the latter category. He knew how
Heero felt about any of them becoming prisoners. The man would have
broken into the prison just to kill Duo and keep him from revealing
any secrets. Cold and cruel, but that was Heero. Duo didn't really
blame him either. He'd rather be dead than squawking to Oz about
where the rest of the pilots, his only friends in the world, were
hiding. And he would have talked. A body could only take so much
torture. Even if it could, there were drugs to loosen tongues too.
No, better off dead than a traitor, Duo thought grimly. In that
situation, Heero was more merciful than cruel. He should give the man
his due.

He was mewling. Duo gnawed on his battered lips to stop himself. The
world was fading in and out of a red haze. The pain was reaching the
point of unbearable. Only sheer will power and adrenalin was keeping
him going forward, slowly, awkwardly, foot by foot.

Life was so stupid, Duo thought. Why had he survived the pneumonia
if he was only going to fail a mission and die anyway? If there was a
larger plan, then he should have done something worth while, saved
the day, completed his mission, made Heero happy. Yeah, made Heero
happy; like Heero would have done more than grunt at him even if he
had delivered the disk to him on a silver platter. Again, why did it
matter so much? Duo knew deep down, yet he didn't want to know. His
life was dangerous. It looked like it was going to be short too. No
one he ever became close to lived long. It was better to keep denying
the truth, than to risk anyone else dying and breaking his heart. Aw,
stupid! Duo swore at himself, why did he have to think that at a time
like this? Life was coming to a painful enough end without
complicating it with regrets... regrets about Heero and why it did
matter so much what Heero thought of him.

"Son of a Bi-" Duo's legs went out from under him and he slid
downhill in mud and rain. He had been so wrapped up in his own
thoughts and the intense pain, that he hadn't noticed the sudden dip
in the ground. His shoulder exploded in agony as it was jerked and
pummeled by loose rocks and tree roots. When his fractured leg caught
on something, and was wrenched nearly out of his hip socket, Duo went
into merciful oblivion.

***

Duo came to, confused. His head was pounding with blood and he could
taste more of the blood in his mouth. He was still in agony, pulsing,
white hot agony, but it was different now. A hundred needle sharp
claws, ripping at his skin, had been added to it. Duo whimpered as he
forced himself to complete consciousness and opened his eyes. The
mission. He had to complete the mission. It pounded in his head along
with his blood.

Something was very wrong, Duo decided, but his mind took some time
figuring out what exactly was out of place. He tried to move and
could only clutch at his aching head with his good hand. The other
was wrapped up in something... those sharp claws and something else,
steel mesh, steel rope... what was going on?

"Oh, no.... Shit!" Duo came to completely, as if he had been
slapped, realizing at last that he was hanging upside down!

Duo looked down at the ground first. He was about five feet up,
staring at a patch of mud splattered with blood.... his blood, he
guessed. His braid was hanging down and dripping with it as well. The
blood was steaming in the cold. It was still fresh. Well, he wouldn't
die if he fell, he thought, but then looked up at his hanging body,
causing himself to spin a little and those tearing claws to dig
deeper.

Barbed wire, Duo saw dully. He was wrapped with old, rusted barbed
wire. A fence post was hanging half off of the embankment up above
him. Jammed between two rocks, it and the wire had kept Duo from
breaking his neck in the fall, but sparing him one death it had saved
him for a worse one. Duo didn't have the strength or the tools to get
himself free. If the Oz soldiers didn't find him soon, he would
either die from blood loss, shock, exposure, blood pooling in his
head, or the pneumonia still clogging his lungs. In that position,
and his waist wrapped in wire, Duo was finding it almost impossible
to breathe.

"K!" Duo gasped. "You have now won the trophy for biggest fuck up,
Duo Maxwell! Time to give up and call the Calvary!"

It was the hardest thing Duo had ever done, reaching his good arm to
his mouth so that he could use his tongue to hit the on button of his
locator. He set it to wide pulse. Heero would be waiting for that
signal. He'd pinpoint Duo's location and come at a run. So,
unfortunately, would the Oz soldiers. Either way, Duo knew he was a
dead man. The Oz soldiers were either going to shoot him or take him
back to the installation and interrogate him until he died. Heero was
just going to take the disk and shoot him. He didn't leave comrades
behind for interrogation and he wasn't going to have time to figure
out how to get Duo down.

Duo tried to settle his soul while he waited to see who would win
the race. His cross was dangling along side of his braid. Duo
concentrated on it and said his prayers. He didn't hope for
forgiveness. He'd killed too many people like that boy soldier back
in the woods. No, Heaven didn't have a place for Shinigami. He was
most certainly going to Hell. All that Duo hoped to accomplish with
his prayers was acceptance of his fate and a little time to apologize
to a God he had all but forsaken.

"Duo," the familiar voice broke the silence and intruded on the
pounding inside of Duo's head. A figure emerged from the woods. It
was Heero Yuy, walking quickly forward with his gun drawn, wearing
his usual lime green tank top and spandex pants. He was sweating and
panting, Duo saw, but his face.... it didn't have the expression that
Duo had expected to see.

What was it? Duo struggled to understand it in the short time that
he had left to him. Anxiety, maybe? Intense concern? Heero's eyes
were almost glowing, cobalt blue fire that raked Duo's body up and
down feverishly. The man, the cold, emotionless soldier that Duo had
always known, was upset!

"No time for chit chat," Duo gasped as he reached into his coat and
unzipped the pocket there. The disk was comforting in his hand as he
took it out. Heero came to stand underneath him. The top of his head
was even with Duo's forehead. Duo dropped the disk into his hands.
"K, Heero," Duo said with a matter-of-factness he definitely wasn't
feeling, "Take it and get out of here. You know Oz is close by."

Heero caught the disk deftly and automatically shoved it under his
shirt and into a belt pouch. His face was going grim now. They both
knew what came next. Still, Heero hesitated, eyes still looking up at
Duo's body as if he hoped to see some way of rescuing the pilot. That
was completely out of character.

"Baka!" Heero growled. It said everything and Duo flinched from the
condemnation.

"Yeah," Duo sighed. "Born an idiot, lived an idiot, and now I'm
going to die an idiot. Come on, Heero! You don't have to make me more
miserable than I already am. I know what you have to do. Just...do it
and get out of here! Don't make me wait for it. I know you're a
bastard, but that's-"

"Shut up!" Heero snapped. Duo stared. Heero's eyes were...the man
blinked and wiped at his eyes with his free hand. It was quick. Duo
had almost missed it. The man, Heero Yuy, unfeeling soldier, had
tears in his eyes. "Stop talking for once, Duo! Just... Just...,"
Heero was struggling with unfamiliar emotions. Duo could tell that he
didn't have any idea how to express them. It was almost frightening,
watching such a dangerous, competent man, become so confused.

Heero began to lift his gun, whatever he had been about to say left
unexpressed. It didn't matter now, those blue eyes said to Duo. It
was too late. Duo tensed, gritting his teeth, determined to be strong
in front of Heero to the last. He'd die a man, even though he was
still so much a boy.

There were sounds up above. Oz was coming. Heero froze like a wild
animal sensing the hunt. The barrel of his gun wavered. The man
hadn't lived so long by thinking slowly. Heero made a sudden
decision. If he fired the gun, Oz would hear it. He holstered his
gun, grabbed Duo's braid, and stood on his toes. Of course, Duo
thought, the man was going to break his neck or something equally
brutal.

Instead, Heero mashed his lips against Duo's. Duo gasped as his
teeth were driven into his lips with the force of it. One more pain
added to the rest. Faces turned in opposite directions to each other,
the kiss was strange yet electric. It rocked Duo's world to its
foundations.

"Shinigami's Lovers," Heero said gruffly as he broke the kiss.
"Heero and Deathscythe." In his emotional turmoil, it was all he
could find to say.

Duo was shocked. Heero took a step back, gave Duo an intense, cobalt
blue stare, and then turned to sprint into the forest. It was then
that Duo felt the cold air on his wrist. Heero had taken his locator!
The man was purposely drawing the hunt away from Duo, making Oz
follow him instead. He was jeopardizing the mission to save Duo!

"No!" Duo shouted, hoping he would attract the Oz soldiers to
himself again. "I won't let you do this, Heero! Hey! Hey! Idiots! I'm
down here! Come and get me! I'm tied up like a Christmas turkey just
waiting for you! Hey, guys!"

Duo couldn't keep it up. He was too short of breath. It wasn't long
before he fell into a coughing fit and then had to remain silent as
his vision blurred from lack of oxygen. In the sudden silence, he
didn't hear any Oz soldiers. Heero had been successful.

Shinigami's lovers....Duo closed his eyes in pain. He had thought of
his beloved Deathscythe and Heero Yuy that way, writing it in his
journal, singing it to himself, thinking it every time he had been
with Heero. A sick, demented fantasy, he had always considered it;
something that would never become real. He must have said it when he
had been so sick with pneumonia that he had been hallucinating. Heero
obviously had heard it. Heero...Heero had kissed him. Heero had
responded, had returned his affect-...Duo caught himself and put on
mental brakes. He had to forget about all of that. He had to forget
his own emotional turmoil and think about the fact that Heero, for
whatever reason, had put the mission in danger. That was
unforgivable. Duo was furious about it even as his heart was ready to
burst out of his chest with the emotions he had suppressed about
Heero for too long. He didn't know, at that moment, whether he wanted
to punch the man or feel those hard lips against his again. Not that
it mattered, cold reality said to him, he WAS going to die after all.
It was just a matter of time now.

***

Time passed slowly as Duo slipped in and out of consciousness,
hoping each time that he closed his eyes, that it would be the last
time and that death would make the pain go away. When he felt hands
on him, it was hard to respond. It wasn't until those hands shook
him, that he was able to open eyes and stare down into Heero's face.
The man had come back for him!

"Heero!" Duo choked out hoarsely. "Leave me! Shoot me! Get out of
here! What do you think you're doing?!"

"I left the locator in a river, going downstream, and then uploaded
the disk to the remote site from Wing," Heero replied calmly, his
eyes very close to Duo's and so intense that Duo felt that he was
drowning in them. "Mission completed, Duo. You know that I wouldn't
jeopardize that....for anything."

"But you did!" Duo argued and gripped at Heero with his good hand,
pulling painfully at Heero's dark hair. "You let them know where you
were! You saved me and put the mission in danger!"

"Acceptable risk," Heero replied, unruffled. "I need you to pilot
Deathscythe to a safe area. You can't do that if you're dead.
Deathscythe is needed if we're to win the war. I can't jeopardize
that machine even for the information you stole. Information about
installations is useless if we don't have Gundams to destroy them."
Heero scowled now, his usual grim expression more comforting to Duo
than the strange one of confusion and anxiety he had worn before.
This was the Heero he knew, the one he loved, if he could admit it to
himself. He needed Heero's strength and no nonsense confidence in
their bloody, chaotic life. He especially needed it now. He still
didn't know if he was going to live or die and he needed Heero to
make the decision.

Heero put a pair of cutting pliers into Duo's good hand. Duo stared
at it and then looked up the impossible length of his body to the
wires trapping his lower body and legs.

"Can't," he said simply.

"You will," Heero ordered.

"Not going to happen, Heero. Sorry, too weak." To have to say that
hurt Duo more than the barbed wire.

"You will do it." Heero insisted and grabbed Duo by the shoulders.
Duo cried out and then whimpered and choked on gasps, as Heero
brought pressure to bear on his broken shoulder blade. Heero adjusted
his grip. The pain lessened, but not by much, as the man slowly
pushed Duo's body upward. He couldn't do much. Heero wasn't tall, but
it did allow Duo to reach a wire. He snipped it and a length
unraveled. That freed his numb arm. It fell uselessly.

"No good," Duo gasped. Heero shifted his grip to one hand. Duo
looked down anxiously and found himself looking at the barrel of
Heero's gun and the flat, cold, blue eyes behind it as the man took
aim.

"You will do it or you will die now."

"Heero," Duo breathed fearfully, at a loss until an idea suddenly
came to him. It was dangerous, but, he knew Heero's skill and trusted
it. "Shoot the wires, Heero."

"They might hear," Heero replied thoughtfully, staring up at the
thin barbed wire and making mental calculations. "If we're pursued..."

"I know," Duo said, "You'll leave me behind. One Gundam pilot is
better than no Gundam pilots. I understand that. I hope you still do."

Heero nodded, once, and took up the challenge. He backed up a few
paces and took aim, resting his gun on one hand to steady his grip.
Duo closed his eyes and put his one good hand under his head,
preparing to hit the ground hard if his plan worked.

Heero's gun fired. There was an audible, twang! Duo twisted and fell
almost a foot before another strand of the wire brought him up short.
Heero frowned, sighted, and fired again. He missed.

"Come on, Perfect Soldier!" Duo snapped through pain and fear.
"Don't get twitchy now! We have to get out of here quick!"

Heero frowned and took careful aim again. He held his breath, moved
in time to Duo's swinging body, and then fired. There was another
twang! Duo jerked and twirled as yet another strand came free of his
body. Still, he wasn't free!

They both heard it, the sounds of shouting in the distance. Heero
stiffened in alarm. Duo expected to get the next bullet between the
eyes. He was surprised when Heero holstered his gun and reached up to
his swinging body. Another kiss before he died? Some heartfelt
confession? No, Heero gripped Duo hard and then pulled his body
downward with all of his might.

Barbed wire ripped down skin as Duo shrieked. He fell into Heero's
arms and they both sprawled on the ground, Duo sobbing and shuddering
as pain licked up and down his body from the more than dozen ragged
wounds. They were deep enough to scar, deep enough for him to bleed
to death if they weren't tended soon.

Duo was only half conscious as Heero scrambled to his feet and
lifted Duo's limp body onto his shoulders in a fire man's carry. Duo
couldn't even protest the madness of it. How could they escape like
this? He hadn't counted on Heero's strength. The boy ran as if Duo
was a feather and his lungs were iron. He didn't stop until they left
pursuit far behind.

***

Lowering Duo to the ground at last, Heero stretched out full length
on the earth and panted in complete exhaustion. Duo watched him in a
daze. It was awhile before he could ask anything, before the pain
subsided enough for him to even form coherent words.

"I'm going to need stitches, Heero. I'm bleeding pretty bad. Are you
okay? Are the Gundams much farther?"

"Shhh!" Heero panted. "We'll leave shortly, but now, just rest. The
more you move, the more you bleed."

"K," Duo replied and lay flat on the ground next to Heero, staring
at him.

It was a while before Heero noticed, or, if he had, allowed himself
the luxury of returning Duo's stare. Almost nose to nose, mission
completed, pursuit foiled, Gundams, hopefully, close, death out of
reach for now, the inevitable surfaced. Duo saw, again, that look of
turmoil shadow Heero's face.

"I didn't want you to know," Duo said at last, the merest whisper.

"I know," Heero replied simply.

"Stupid, isn't it?" Duo asked. "Thinking... imagining I...You
probably...," he floundered in confusion, wanting safe ground,
wanting to act as if the revelation had never been made, but unable
to forget one thing that made that impossible. Heero had kissed him.
Heero had worried about him. Heero had come back to save him. It was
more than he had imagined in his wildest dreams. Hell, Duo thought,
in most of his dreams Heero had beaten him to a pulp for revealing
how he felt about the pilot.

"I don't know what to say," Heero replied stiffly, but his intense
eyes never left Duo's.

"Say I'm a baka," Duo whispered. "Say I'm endangering some mission
or other by distracting you. It's always worked with me before. Why
not now? Go on. Push me away. I'm used to it by now. We can go back
to ignorance and just..."

"No," Heero replied dangerously. It was all too new to him, love. He
didn't want to have to experience hurt too. Heero groped for
something to say. He found it as he slowly took Duo's good hand in
his. He rubbed a calloused thumb over Duo's soft palm. "Heero's
Lovers, Wing and Duo. I want that. Let me have it, Duo, okay?"

Duo smiled shakily. He leaned forward and ignored his pain wracked
body to kiss Heero on the lips. He was nervous, an inexperienced boy,
and as unsure as Heero about finally letting loose his pent up
emotions. It felt right, though, not denying them any longer. Here,
on the cusp of life and death, Shinigami reached for love and life in
the arms of a man who had been trained to take one and taught to deny
that the other existed.

Somehow, the fevered words of a braided Gundam pilot had broken
through Heero's training. There wasn't any going back now and Duo,
teasing Heero's lips open for a deeper kiss, didn't really want to.
Deathscythe and Heero. Wing and Duo. Together forever, just as it
should be, just as it would be, forever.

Owari
Go to Part  3: Interruptus
==========================================

Shinigami's Lover Arc 1: Part 3
Part 3: Interruptus
by Kracken (signs@screaminet.com)

Disclaimer: I don't own the G-Boys, I just make them hot and sticky
and leave 'em for the real owners to clean up. No, don't sue me, you
won't get anything, really, you won't... I'm telling you, I have
nothing.... okay, you can have one of the cats... the really mean,
neurotic one who gets fur in my keyboard.
Warnings: NCS, angst (Always angst),violence,Male/male sex,
language, You have been warned, so either enjoy or get out now while
you can (parachute optional at this point, but back buttons work too.)

Duo: I think you should lay off the caffeine, baby.
Kracken: Yeah, sure thing, pour me another cup of coffee, will ya?

Visit my ML at http://groups.yahoo.com/group/krackenml/
Updates at http://groups.yahoo.com/group/KrackenficsML
Published works at Amazon.com under Della Boynton
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/1589090691

==========================================
"They're ugly."

"A few months, and they won't be so red."

"That means they're not going away, right?"

Pause... "No." Another pause... "You're upset. Why does it matter so
much?"

Duo looked down at his body. He was only wearing a pair of shorts,
his legs crossed as he sat on the edge of the bed. His white skin, as
smooth as a baby's, still didn't have much hair on it, just a freckle
or two and an old scar here and there from other mishaps. It made the
fresh scars that marked him that much more noticeable, that much more
cruel, especially now, when Duo wanted to be perfect. He looked up at
Trowa and unconsciously rubbed at the worst of them, the ones on his
left arm and leg.

Trowa was frowning in concern, his eyes studying Duo from under his
long bang. "Are you blaming Heero?" Trowa asked softly. "He did what
he had to, Duo... you know him, I'm surprised he didn't just..."

"Shoot me and leave me for the vultures? I know," Duo growled and
raised his knees up so that he could hug them to his chest, thinking
about the mission that had gone so wrong, yet so right too. Fractured
leg, healed. Broken shoulder, still healing but reduced to stabbing
twinges instead of outright, blinding pain. Ragged wounds from
falling in barbed wire, hanging by it from a cliff, and then having
Heero yank him out of it by force.... likely to be with him forever
as long, raised, hideous scars. He had managed to complete the
mission despite all of that and Heero...Heero had revealed to him his
true feelings and that he had known about Duo's as well, courtesy of
some raving Duo had done while ill with pneumonia.

"You haven't answered my question," Trowa said as he closed up his
medical kit. After removing the last of the stitches, he had rebound
Duo's shoulder. Another week and that would be gone too.

"No, I don't blame him," Duo replied tersely. "I just...," Oh, but
he couldn't say it, even to Trowa who probably wouldn't blink to know
that Duo had a thing for Heero; so, instead, Duo pasted on his
trademark grin and winked. "I guess I shouldn't mind. It'll impress
the ladies, right?"

Trowa frowned again, sensing Duo's real mood. "They have ways of
covering them up or taking them off completely, Duo, if you mind so
much how your skin looks to your lovers."

"Yeah, right! I'll keep that in mind next time Doctor G is handing
out thousand dollar credits to Gundam pilots."

Trowa winced. "I'm sorry, I wasn't thinking. I forgot that-"

"That I'm not rich like Quatre?" Duo's smile dropped and his violet
eyes were clouded like a brewing storm. "That I'm not from some
ancient, dynastic family like Wu Fei? That I don't have an outside
job working in a circus like you? That I don't have my fingers on the
terrorist payroll of Doctor J, like Heero does? Yeah, I don't have
any of that going for me. I'm just a street rat that Doctor G plucked
out of the gutter and threw into a Gundam. I have to be happy with my
skin the way it is, Trowa!"

Trowa was blinking at him in astonishment. Duo stopped his tirade
and stared back, shocked at himself. Somewhere in the conversation it
had stopped being about the scars...at least the scars on Duo's skin.

"Duo," Trowa chose his words carefully. "You stopped being a 'street
rat' a long time ago. You won't ever be that again. I didn't mean to
make you feel...inadequate because you don't have resources like the
rest of us. You go on the most missions. You're infinitely more
talented at sabotage and subterfuge than any of us. Duo, you don't
have the time or the energy left over to work or to pursue any
outside interests. No one is judging you or blaming you for that.
Instead, we respect you and rely on you."

Duo jumped up from the bed and turned to Trowa with a grin. "So, I'm
more than just a pretty idiot? The scars don't matter? You all still
love me?"

Trowa was so easily disarmed. He nodded, smiling a little in
response as he gathered up his medical kit and turned to leave. Duo
closed the door firmly behind him and then collapsed onto his back on
the bed, ignoring the sharp jab of his shoulder. He groaned and threw
a hand over his eyes.

Trowa had missed the mark completely. It wasn't about them or how
they thought of him now. Duo only cared what one man thought, or
would think when he was finally forced to tell him...and he would
have to tell Heero. It couldn't be avoided. No matter how much he
cared...no, admit it now, loved Heero, there was an aspect of their
relationship that was never going to see the light of day. That's
what Duo was ashamed of, the scars of the past. The new ones were
just representative of them, a now visible signpost to where the
darker, deeper ones lay in his soul. That's where the insecure,
frightened street rat Duo Maxwell lived. The one who wanted to crawl
in a hole and die rather than even consider a physical relationship
with Heero Yuy.

How was he going to tell him?

***

Duo needn't have worried. Circumstances conspired to keep him apart
from Heero and, he began to realize, a reluctance on the part of the
pilot of Wing Zero to be alone with him. Maybe the emotions were too
much for him? Maybe he was reconsidering? Maybe, maybe, maybe...It
could be anything, Duo thought. He couldn't blame the man. Duo was
making up his own reasons for avoiding Heero. In safety now, and in
the harsh light of reality, Duo was beginning to see how impossible
their situation was.

Heero went on two missions before Duo was well enough to leave his
room and get around without a crutch. Returning from the second late
in the evening, Heero shoved the front door of the safe house open
and strode in with a feral grace and a dangerous expression on his
face. He shifted the weight of the duffel bag, slung over one of his
muscled shoulders, and pushed his dark hair out of his eyes as he
surveyed the house with a soldier's alertness for danger. Satisfied
that all was as if should be, Heero then turned those intense, cobalt
blue eyes on Duo.

Duo had been limping across the living room, making his way to the
kitchen to get a snack. Trowa and Quatre were on the couch, watching
a movie. Wu Fei was sprawled in a chair, reading a book. A quiet
evening, something their chaotic lives rarely gave them the luxury of
enjoying. Duo heard the others greet Heero, but he was staring at the
man like a gazelle suddenly confronted with a hungry lion.

"Uh, Ohayo, Heero-"

"You just said 'good morning', Duo," Wu Fei grumbled from his chair.
"Stop trying to speak Japanese, you're bad enough at English."

"Uh, 'K, Wu Fei, you don't have to insult me."

"You're walking," were Heero's first words, his eyes never leaving
Duo to even acknowledge that the others existed.

Is that what he'd been waiting for, Duo wondered? Confirmation that
Duo was well enough for...for things to get more serious? Duo
swallowed hard and felt his face go pale. "Yeah, I'm walking pretty
good now and my shoulder comes out of bandages next week." No, he
shouldn't have said that. Duo groped for an excuse to the unasked
question lurking in Heero's gaze. "Trowa thinks my lungs are going to
stay gummed up from the pneumonia for a while yet and I have some
pretty ugly scars from that barbed wire."

"Tetanus shot. Antibiotics. Forty eight stitches. Two casts," Trowa
recited with a touch of respect. "You're lucky you're young, Duo, and
that you heal fast and well, but you must take it easy still. No
missions yet, Heero, all right?"

Duo felt the sting of embarrassment. "Hey, nurse Trowa!" Duo
complained with a pasted on smile. "You're being overprotective. I
feel fine. Once this shoulder gets out of bandages, I'll be ready to
pilot my Gundam."

Trowa gave Heero a very serious glare. "You heard what I said, Yuy."

"Hn," Heero didn't look pleased. His gaze dropped from Duo at last,
but Duo wasn't sure whether he felt relieved or upset. He didn't want
Heero to think he was weak and he didn't want to lose the man's
respect, but he didn't want the man...approaching him either. He
wasn't ready to explain, didn't know if he would ever be ready to
explain.

Duo was relieved of further conversation as Quatre stood and went to
take Heero's duffel bag. Wu Fei put aside his book and sat forward in
his chair. Trowa approached Heero to scrutinize the man and see if
there were any wounds he wasn't admitting to. While they broke into
conversation, asking about the mission, Duo slipped away into the
kitchen. He pulled out bread and peanut butter and jelly, intending
to make a quick sandwich and bolt for his room. He wasn't prepared
for a hard hand to squeeze down on his wrist.

Sun browned skin against Duo's pale skin, Heero's hand looked strong
and infinitely capable of doing harm if he chose. Duo didn't try to
pull away, even though that's what he felt like doing. He didn't want
to know if that brown hand was stronger than his. "Uh, Heero..." Duo
shot a quick glance at the man's unreadable face and then
concentrated on the sandwich in front of him on the counter.

"We need to talk," Heero said calmly.

"Heero," Duo swallowed hard and tried to find the right words to get
him out of that situation. "Want a PB&J sandwich too? I make good
ones. Yep, peanut butter good and thick and lots of jelly. Perfect.
The bread's good too, not that yechy wheat stuff Wuffie likes, but
good ol' white, plain, yummy bread. Can't have a good sandwich
without good bread. Want one, Heero? Come on, it isn't any trouble-"
Heero's free hand closed over his mouth, lightly, and then fell as
soon as Duo's inane chatter ceased. Duo stared, swallowed again, and
then looked down at their hands. "Let me go, please," he asked,
hopefully in a voice that didn't betray his fear. Heero released his
wrist as if Duo's skin had burned him.

Laughter from the other room startled them. Heero's hand
automatically flexed for his butt holster, probably touching the gun
there. When he determined that the others were just enjoying
something on the television, he relaxed and turned an intense gaze on
Duo. He suddenly took hold of Duo's chin roughly and pulled Duo
against his lips. It was painful, inexperienced, and Duo winced away
from it. Heero surprised him by becoming frustrated.

"I don't know what to do," Heero admitted with a low growl. "Tell me
how to do this, Duo."

Duo's grin was sickly. "Sorry, Heero, I've never done this either.
Just, not so hard, 'K? I know that much."

"Gomen, Duo," Heero apologized, but the look of frustration didn't
leave his face. He motioned to the sandwich. "Bring that and come to
my room." He paused and then added with emphasis, "Just to talk, Duo.
That's all."

Duo relaxed, hating how utterly relieved that made him. Heero must
have seen it. He was trained to see things like that. He frowned and
Duo saw him tighten up his muscles and clench his jaw. He was upset.

Duo followed Heero into the living room and up the stairs. He knew
the others were glancing surreptitiously at them, wondering,
guessing, probably guessing wrong. They probably thought Duo had done
something wrong, yet again, and Heero was going to chew him out in
private. It was obvious that Quatre thought that. He called up after
them,

"Remember, Heero, Duo is still recovering!"

"If Duo is leaving, can we please watch a different show?" Wu Fei
pleaded.

"No," Quatre replied. "I like this show. It's funny. "

"But I don't understand the show at all!" Wu Fei barked back. "Where
is the honor in a man living with two women and deceiving his
landlord into thinking that he is homosexual? There is no greater
evil than a man who lies- "

Duo stopped listening. He had heard that from someone else long ago,
a good man who had told him that lying was a sin. He didn't want to
think about that memory. It held too much pain and condemnation. Duo
Maxwell never lied because of that memory, but he could decide not to
tell the truth.

Duo faltered half way up the steps. His face flushed as Heero took
hold of his elbow and helped him the rest of the way up. Terrific!
Damn leg was still bothering him. He hadn't wanted Heero to see that.
He didn't want to be vulnerable when it was so important right now to
be strong.

Duo disengaged his elbow at the top of the stairs. "I'm fine, just a
little twingy in the kneecap, Heero."

Heero only nodded and let Duo walk unassisted to the man's room. It
was hard for Duo to follow him through the door. Harder yet to stand
still as Heero closed the door behind them and then stood staring
with that very intense gaze. They stood like that as minutes ticked
by, a contest of fear and reluctance.

Heero surprised Duo by speaking first. "You're not smiling."

Duo looked down at his feet. He was wearing his customary black, the
gold cross glittering as it swung at his movement. The braid and the
clothes were part of his armor, the things that gave him strength to
face the bloody life he led. His smile, like the other things, went
on every day without fail. He wore it so that he could pretend to
everyone that he was all right and that he was happy. He even managed
to fool himself, most days.

"You've changed your mind about us." A statement of fact from Heero
Yuy. He didn't like lies either, or omissions.

"No, yes, I-," Duo stammered and then rubbed at his eyes. "I never
meant for you to find out...how I felt. I wish you hadn't."

"Why?"

Duo blinked. He would not cry, he swore to himself. He turned to go,
fumbling for the doorknob. "I don't want to talk about this, Heero. I
can't! Let's just forget-"

"You aren't a homosexual, is that it?" Heero brought Duo up short
with those words. "I thought...I have misunderstood you, Duo, Gomen."
Heero whispered it, not trusting his voice maybe, but Duo could still
hear his pain.

Duo stopped and leaned his forehead against the smoothness of the
door. He closed his eyes for a moment and gathered courage. He was
hurting Heero, hurting the man he loved. Could telling the man about
his past be worse than that?

"I- I don't know what I am, Heero," Duo replied at last. "I've never
had the chance to find out."

Heero was quick to latch onto that. "Are you a virgin, Duo? Are you
afraid I might hurt you?"

"I-I'm not a virgin, Heero," Duo choked that out and then pounded
his forehead against the door, punishing himself, once, twice, almost
three times before a hand took hold of his long braid and held him
back by it to stop him.

"Don't," Heero said. "Let me..." The Perfect Soldier struggled with
unfamiliar emotions, trying to overcome his conditioning and say the
right thing. He took a very deep breath and then said, "I'm not a
virgin either, Duo...I understand."

Duo turned, stumbling on his bad leg, eyes anxious. His braid was
still tangled in Heero's hand. It pulled painfully before Heero
realized that and let go. Duo searched Heero's blue eyes with his
violet ones, wanting confirmation that he was hearing Heero
correctly. Heero nodded, once, and then they both stood, locked in
memory.

"It was part of my training, my conditioning," Heero told him at
last, his voice turned cold and flat, and his face wiped of
expression as he remembered it. "It was also my punishment, until I
grew used to it, until they found other things to hurt me."

There should have been...horror, hate, something. It was terrible to
see Heero so cold, so matter of fact. I was raped. I was tortured by
being raped. So, what? I grew used to it. Had he, Duo thought, really
expected anything else? How could a man like Heero Yuy ever
understand what had happened to him, how it had traumatized him until
he couldn't bear the thought of anyone touching him like that again?
Broke your leg and arm, Duo? Well, just tape them up and get on with
the mission. Shot twice and tortured by Oz? Weakling baka! Get up and
hack that computer system! Raped and forced into prostitution? At
least you were fed and were able to lie down on the job. Get over it
and let me fuck you now!

"Yeah, I got over it too," Duo managed to say without breaking down
and sobbing. Yeah, he said to himself, got over it by not doing it
ever again! He stiffened his spine and lifted up his mask with its
wide smile. Everything was fine, his smile said, no harm done, let's
get on with life. "I just.... well, some people don't like
leftovers." Had he really said that? How cruel he was to himself!
Heero's cold expression cracked and Duo saw it change to surprise and
concern. That was too much. Duo felt like a coward. A weakling. In a
moment, Heero was going to know that he, Duo, wasn't someone to be
respected or even considered worthy of being the Perfect Soldier's
friend. In a moment, Duo was going to cry.

"We can't do this now," Heero decided. He half turned away and he
was digging his fingernails into the palms of his hands. "All that I
know about sex is having my face pushed against the floor, my pants
pulled down, and someone taking me from behind. I-I won't do that to
anyone, Duo. I won't do that to you. It doesn't seem...right. I need
to know what is right before we proceed." He paused and looked
sideways at Duo. "Do you wish to proceed with this?"

So precise, Duo thought. He wished he could be as calm as Heero
about it. Just then, all he really wanted to do was run and hide
under his bed. "Depends on what you mean," he replied evasively,
dragging out the time as much as possible before he was forced to
break Heero's heart, and his own.

It was easier for Heero to fall back on what he knew. He spoke now
as if he were proposing a dangerous mission. Strangely, it made Duo
less afraid to have it all layed out in a militaristic fashion. "We
need to do research to fill in the gaps of our knowledge and to
formulate a working timetable for developing a long term, compatible
relationship."

Relationship. That one word made Duo's heart constrict. How could
anyone have a relationship when all they could do was kiss? Duo at
least wasn't afraid of that. None of his attackers had ever kissed
him. People didn't kiss the trash they were fucking, he thought
darkly. It came to Duo suddenly, that in that at least, he had been a
virgin. Heero had been his first. It made Duo's tense lips turn in a
smile involuntarily. Heero took it the wrong way.

"Good. You agree," Heero said in barely controlled relief. "Go and
rest now. I'll begin the research."

Dismissed, Duo thought, but he couldn't stop smiling. Heero's
confidence was infectious and the image of the man surfing the
Internet in search of homosexual sex practices and psychological
cures for rape induced frigidity was a shot of humor in an otherwise
dismal situation. As Duo left Heero's rooms, dutifully, he could
almost feel a little hope.

***

"Duo?" Heero whispered the name in Duo's ear.

Duo was curled up on the couch with Quatre, eating from a large bowl
of popcorn in his lap and staring at the flickering flames of the
fireplace close by as if it were a cherished movie. Quatre had been
engrossed in a book. The blonde Arabian looked up as Heero leaned
over the back of the couch, golden eyebrows raised in puzzlement.

"Uh, hey, Heero," Duo replied and nervously began to get up. The
rose draped over his shoulder stopped him. He took it slowly and
turned his head to look at Heero in astonishment, but Heero was
already gone, striding up the stairs with a satisfied air. Quatre
eyed the red rose as Duo admired it dazedly. "What's that for?"
Quatre wondered. "Some sort of veiled death threat for something you
did?"

"Uh," Duo found that he didn't want to reveal that things between
Heero and him had stepped over a line that men weren't supposed to
cross. Well, they hadn't really, not yet... well, not ever. So, what
was he blushing about and getting tongue tied over?

"Just... hey, Quatre, want to watch a movie or something? Here, have
some popcorn."

Quatre's eyebrows remained raised and it was obvious that he was
thinking. It was also obvious that he couldn't believe what he was
thinking. In the end, he decided that he really DIDN'T want to think
about it, so he took Duo up on the offer of the movie and stuffed his
face with popcorn so that he had an excuse not to talk any longer.

The movie went long and Duo was exhausted by the time he slowly made
his way towards his own room. He passed Heero's door and saw that it
was open. Heero was sitting in a chair, facing the door as if he had
been waiting all of that time for Duo to happen by. Duo paused and
hated how his hands trembled with anxiety.

"Uh, thanks for the rose, Heero."

"Where is it?"

"I.... Ya know, it needed some water, so I left it downstairs in a
glass."

"You didn't like it?"

Duo grimaced. He picked up the end of his braid and fiddled with it
to hide his shaking hands. "I'm a guy, Heero, not some silly girl.
You don't have to do stuff like that. Besides, I was kind of
embarrassed in front of Quatre, and all. Sorry. It was... It was a
nice thing to do, giving it to me and all." Heero turned a little to
mark something off on a sheet of paper, a frown on his face. "What's
that?" Duo asked sharply and was suddenly hot and furious. "Is that
your master plan for getting Maxwell to let you fuck him?"

Heero turned back, face unreadable. When it was like that, Duo knew
he was feeling the most pain. It was part of his training. The mask
he wore for his missions. Slowly though, Heero lifted the paper up
facing Duo.

Duo squinted, but he couldn't read the fine print. Slowly, he edged
into the room as if Heero were a rattlesnake. When he was finally
close enough, he was only three feet from Heero. The man was calm,
relaxed, as non threatening as possible as Duo read the sheet of
paper. Duo didn't get past the first line. He didn't need to. It
read, 'American dating rituals'.

"Makes Americans sound like zoo animals, or something," Duo found
himself chuckling nervously. "I guess the rose business was number
one on the list. Sorry, Heero."

Heero was watching Duo steadily, reading him as easily as Duo had
read the first line on the paper. He stated, clearly and succinctly,
"I will never touch you, Duo, unless you ask me to."

Duo returned that gaze. He had lost his innocence and trust in men a
long time ago, but he wanted to believe Heero. He wanted so much for
it to be true. "'K," he replied simply.

Heero wasn't finished. "You, on the other hand, can touch me. Right
now, I'm giving you a minute to do that... anything you want, Duo,
or, nothing at all. It's your choice."

"My choice?" Duo couldn't believe what he was hearing. Nobody had
ever given him a choice before. Still, he was skeptical. "And, you
won't do anything if I do?"

"Nothing," Heero promised emphatically.

"Nothing," Duo repeated.

Heero had a timer in one hand. Duo hadn't noticed it before, but he
saw it now as Heero placed it on the table and let the timer begin to
run. It ticked rhythmically, counting off the seconds. "One minute,"
Heero warned.

It took Duo almost a minute of agonizing and wiping sweaty palms
against his sides before he decided what to do. He leaned close and
kissed Heero full on the lips. Duo surprised himself, but, as he
deepened the kiss and Heero didn't move a muscle, he understood the
choice. It was the only act that he wasn't terrified of doing, the
only contact with Heero he had longed for every night since returning
from his last mission, the mission where he and Heero had shared an
earlier, passionate kiss, while escaping Oz soldiers.

The timer alarm went off and Duo backed up, startled, as he broke
the kiss. Heero turned off the alarm and looked at Duo curiously.
"Time's up," he said unnecessarily. His voice was faint and his lips
were swollen from his own leashed passion. Duo backed up a few more
steps as Heero shifted in his seat uncomfortably, letting Duo know
that something else had swelled beside his lips.

Heero reached up and touched his own lips, as if committing to
memory just how Duo had done it. "That felt... good," he said and Duo
knew it was an understatement. "It didn't hurt. It hurt when I did it
to you."

"You pushed too hard," Duo said breathlessly and found a smile.
Heero looked almost childish at that moment, a boy enjoying his first
taste of passion. He didn't look like someone to be afraid of at all.

"Enough for this evening," Heero said at last, breaking the mood and
becoming the soldier Heero again. Training session done, the tone of
that voice said. Duo smiled, touching his own lips now. Heero noticed
the grin. "Your smile is back."

"It should be," Duo replied and then nervously wondered what came
next.

"I will never touch you unless you ask me to," Heero again stated
and Duo stopped being nervous and began to believe it more strongly.

"'K, Heero."

"Now, return to your room and remember this moment, Duo."

How could he forget it, Duo wondered, as he made his way back to his
room, still touching his lips.

***

There was a very small gift box in the seat of his Gundam. Duo had
been flipping through a checklist as he had climbed into Deathscythe
and hadn't noticed the box until his backside encountered its odd
shape on the command seat's cushion. Now he was staring at the thing
uncertainly as he slowly put aside his clipboard.

"From Heero Yuy," Duo read aloud, fingering the little tag attached
to the little box.

"Who else, Heero, and how many Heero's are around that you need to
add your last name?" He turned the thing around in his hands. "I'm a
guy, Heero!" he swore and felt angry.

"Why is he doing this stuff? I rather he gave me a socket wrench
with a six pack of beer attached."

Duo slowly opened the package. Inside, nestled in figures of angels
and hearts cut out in white and red paper, was a single chocolate
truffle. Duo's all time favorite sweet.

"I'm going to gag, this is so--so sappy!" Duo groaned. He popped the
chocolate into his mouth, went straight to heaven for the time it
took to eat it, and then sat back in the command chair of his Gundam,
staring up at the ceiling deep in thought.

It would have been easy to dismiss the effort as little better than
a machine following a program, but Heero had known, had remembered
that Duo loved chocolate truffles. Something like that couldn't come
from any program. It touched a part of Duo that had been frozen and
cold for too long. It hurt as it defrosted, but quickly warmed. Duo
smiled, and it was genuine for once, as he tossed the empty box aside
and began to work on his other love, Deathscythe.

When Duo walked past Heero's open door that night, he stopped,
without preamble, to stare at the pilot of Wing. Like the night
before, he was seated in a chair, waiting patiently.

"Thanks for the truffle, Heero."

"You're welcome," Heero replied as he set the timer on the table. "I
remember how you ate so many, that time we went to a mall, and that
it made you ill."

Duo rolled his eyes as he stepped into Heero's room. He didn't feel
nervous this time as he stopped two feet from Heero and managed a
chuckle. "I remember that now! Oh, man, I almost thought I was going
to have to have Trowa pump my stomach!"

"Hn," Heero grunted, mind on the task at hand. He hit the timer.
"You have one minute, Duo, to do anything you want to me."

Duo blinked at the abruptness of it. "Uh... can we start again,
Heero. I don't know. I kind of-"

"No, you're wasting time."

Another kiss? Heero was wearing a tank top. It was cut low and Duo
could see the strong line of Heero's neck where it met his shoulder.
The skin was sun browned and sleek, muscles moving like silk there.
Duo wondered, suddenly, what it tasted like. A kiss was a kiss,
wasn't it? Even there? Did he dare? Did he have the nerve?

"Time's almost up," Heero warned and sounded slightly... disappointed.

That was too much for Duo. He had disappointed Heero enough,
revealed too much of the fear he kept at the center of his being.
Heero had to know that he was strong too, that he could do something
as simple as... Duo leaned in and kissed Heero's neck where it met
his shoulder. It tasted like salt and Heero and Duo found his tongue
coming out to meet it, sucking it in, and worrying it as if he wanted
to take that bit of Heero into himself, not to eat it, but keep it
with him for what it was; essence of Heero.

The timer alarm sounded and Duo drew back reluctantly. It was such a
new feeling that he hardly knew how to handle it. Wanting to touch
another person...wanting to touch Heero...A few days ago, Duo would
have laughed at the very idea that he would willingly do such a
thing. Yet, he had.

"I will never touch you unless you ask me to," Heero repeated the
mantra, but it wasn't a lifeless statement. He stressed each word,
putting every ounce of his conviction behind them. Duo needed to hear
it, needed the reassurance as Heero dismissed him yet again. This
time, Duo wasn't so eager to go.

***

So it went. Each day, Duo discovered a small gift in odd places. It
was always something delicate, feminine, and romantic. A small pin of
an angel. A lace covered card with a poem. A box filled with
different colored rose petals. Each time, Duo felt angry, his manhood
assaulted. He wanted to find Heero and fling the things at him, shout
that he wasn't some girl Heero was courting, but a Gundam pilot,
dammit! Yet, each time that he passed Heero's room at night, and saw
the man waiting for him with the timer, Duo forgot all about being
angry as anticipation replaced it and made his feet carry him over to
the pilot of Wing, ready for that precious minute when he could have
his way with the man.

When Duo's bandages came off at last, it signaled to Heero a turning
point. That night, when Duo appeared at his doorway, Heero was only
dressed in a robe. Duo froze like a startled cat when he realized it.
He couldn't make his feet move. Cold fear settled into his gut.

"I won't ever touch you unless you want me to," Heero repeated,
pounding the fact into Duo's brain for the hundredth time. "You've
touched everything on my body not covered by my clothes. Now you can
touch me anywhere, Duo."

"No!" The word exploded out of Duo and he hated himself as he turned
to go.

"I love you, Duo."

Duo stopped, shocked, and stared at Heero. The man was still
expressionless, immobile, waiting for whatever Duo wanted. His eyes,
it was always his eyes that betrayed him, Duo thought. Why hadn't he
ever noticed that before? Those cobalt, blue eyes of Heero's were
windows to the real Heero Yuy, the piece of him, however small, that
his training hadn't obliterated. It was that piece that had allowed a
braided Gundam pilot to climb into his heart, to make him do things
he would never have considered before, things that in the past, he
would have considered a betrayal of everything that he was. To say,
'I love you, Duo,' was nothing less than a catharsis for Heero. For
Duo to turn away now.... He couldn't do it. He couldn't leave Heero
as so many had left him, broken and bleeding, mentally and
physically, with a few credits thrown at him to show for it. No, he
wouldn't reduce Heero to the level of a prostitute begging for
recognition from a 'customer'.

Duo entered the room, forcing his feet across the carpeted floor
until he stood in front of Heero. Heero looked up at him expectantly
and then turned on the timer with the barest smile of... what?
Gratitude? Relief? No, it hurt too much to think that Heero was that
needy. Love, yes, love was better. Love had forced that smile from
Heero. Heero loved him. Heero would never hurt him, that smile said
louder than words.

Duo opened Heero's robe with shaking hands. He looked down at the
smooth, muscled body. He had tasted every inch of it in the past
week, even kissing Heero's ankles tenderly. He blushed uncomfortably
thinking about it, but it had been a thrill, a strange pleasure at
the time to lick the skin there and see Heero respond with goose
bumps. Now, Duo was faced with the parts of Heero he most feared, the
parts that could hurt him, take him, demean him, even kill him if
Heero was cruel enough. It was a moment when Duo had to decide
whether he really trusted Heero or not.

"Almost time," Heero whispered.

Duo bent forward, shaking all over now, and lightly kissed Heero's
belly button just as the timer went off. He recoiled almost at once
and took a step back. Heero had responded to even that light touch,
his cock stirring strongly. It had an impressive length and it looked
both enticing and dangerous as it bobbed against Heero's belly,
wanting, needing, and firmly denied pleasure. Heero closed his robe
over it as he met Duo's eyes.

"I won't let you fuck me!" Duo suddenly cried out, "Ever!" It
sounded like the child from L2 screaming at the men in pathetic
whimpers as they did whatever they wanted to a piece of street trash
named Duo Maxwell. Hearing his own voice, Duo was ashamed, ashamed to
be so weak.

"Tell me about it," Heero begged suddenly. "You know my past. Let me
know yours so that I'll keep from hurting you, from doing the same as
the ones who made you be this way."

"How could they?" Duo replied, but he was talking to himself,
rehashing the past as he did so often. "I was so small! What pleasure
could it have been for them to do that to me? There were older whores
on every street corner! Men and Women! Why me? Why?!" His eyes
cleared and settled on Heero bitterly. "They did everything to me,
Heero except one thing. They never kissed me. That's the only
pleasure I can have now, the only thing not made filthy and
frightening by those monsters on L2!"

Duo turned away, hugging himself tightly and shaking his head so
that his braid swung back and forth behind him. "There's nothing you
can do that won't make me pee my pants in fear, Heero! Nothing except
kiss." He shuddered and walked for the door. "I guess you're
disgusted now that you know what a pathetic, weak, man I am, hm? You
can't love me. I can't love myself!"

"Why are you afraid?"

The question caught Duo by surprise. He turned and glared at Heero,
refusing to cry. "Don't you get it?" he raged.

"No," Heero replied calmly. "You aren't a child any more, Duo.
You're a trained terrorist. You're a Gundam pilot. You're the man I
count on constantly to do dangerous missions. You're the man who went
through Oz torture without breaking. Think! think about your life
now, Duo, and tell me you're the same helpless child you were on L2!"

"Inside I am!" Duo shouted and couldn't stop a tear from rolling
from one eye. He ran from the room before Heero could see it.

***

Duo swore he wouldn't go back to Heero's room. It was over, wasn't
it? Why bother. After the way he had acted, the vulnerability he had
shown, Duo didn't think that he could ever look Heero in the eyes
again. But when the small gift appeared in his tool box the next day,
he opened it with a constricting heart and didn't even get too angry
when he saw the perfume bottle, in the shape of a heart, nestled
inside gold tissue paper with a poem written on it. It was a short,
sweet, sappy poem he was certain Heero hadn't written himself.

When Duo walked past Heero's door that night, he stopped and took a
deep breath. Everything inside of him told him to keep walking, but
he just couldn't. He had to see Heero. Duo backed up a pace and
looked into Heero's room.

The man was sitting in a chair, waiting, as if there had never been
any doubt that Duo would show up. Heero had his clothes on though,
and Duo wasn't sure what that meant. He took a few cautious steps
into the room, fiddling nervously with the end of his braid.

"What now?" Duo asked at last in a small voice.

"Another step," Heero replied and put the timer on the table. "It's
much harder though and you have to be braver than you've been before."

Duo didn't like the sound of that. He stepped closer, curious
despite his trepidation. Heero held out his hand. Duo twitched in
reaction, but held himself still.

"You have one minute to put my hand anywhere you like," Heero
explained. When Duo looked alarmed he was quick to add. "I won't
touch you, Duo. I won't close my hand or try and hold you. My hand is
going to remain flat and limp. You have to make it do what you want,
all right?"

Heero reached over with his other hand and turned on the timer.

It was too much, Duo thought, he couldn't do it.... yet, Heero's
hand, big, tanned by the sun, nicked here and there with small scars,
seemed infinitely gentle and relaxed. He had felt that hand on him
more than once when they had been just friends, comrades on a
mission. It was large step, to make that touch something more.

The seconds ticked. Duo stayed still, staring at Heero's hand. What
would it be like, he thought, to have those fingers, calloused from
holding a gun, controlling his Gundam, operating any number of
machines and equipment, touch his bare skin with something more than
friendship? Duo shivered and felt a bone deep ache to know.

Duo gingerly took hold of Heero's hand. It stayed limp, just as
Heero promised. Foolish, his fear seemed now, Duo thought. There
wasn't anything frightening about taking that hand and placing it in
his. He rubbed at the skin. It was soft. That surprised Duo. It
looked worn and rough, as if it were the hand of an older man. When
the timer alarm went off and Heero retrieved his hand very slowly,
Duo felt disappointment.

"All right?" Heero asked softly.

Duo nodded. He couldn't trust himself to speak.

"Until tomorrow then," Heero said and Duo left in a daze, astonished
to realize that he was looking forward to that, to the time when he
could have Heero touch him again.

***

Each day, Duo's eagerness increased. He fidgeted, watched the clock,
did his duties absently, waiting for the time when he could be with
Heero again. At first, he kept the touches chaste, enjoying Heero's
hand on his cheek, on his shoulder, along his neck. After that, Duo's
boldness and trust grew. He ran Heero's hand under his shirt and
heard the man draw in a breath more than once when he rubbed Heero's
fingers over the hard nubs of his nipples. That response intrigued
Duo and he found himself wanting to hear it again. Without warning
one day, he slid Heero's hand along the inside of his thigh.

Heero's breath caught and he went rigid in his chair, watching that
hand Duo had hold of gently caress the material of Duo's pants. Duo
was feeling something as well. He went stiff. It unnerved him but
excited him too. He had never felt that way about it before. He had
always avoided it as something unpleasant and dirty, a reminder of
the past he wanted so badly to forget. Perhaps it was because he was
older, with all the raging hormones of any other fifteen year old, or
maybe it was simpler, that it was Heero getting him excited, the man
he loved. Whatever it was, Duo discovered that he wanted to feel more
of that sensation, that hot excitement making the stranger part of
him twitch and 'need'. He took Heero's hand and placed it on the
bulge in his pants.

Heero stared hard at his hand, at Duo's hand holding it, and at the
bulge both of their hands covered. Very slowly, Heero pulled back as
the timer went off and, very gently, kissed the palm of his own hand
as if he cherished the essence of Duo on it. It made Duo's throat
tighten with emotion. He suddenly couldn't control the overwhelming
sensations within him. He had to have more.

Duo shoved at the timer with a groan. It went skittering off the end
of the desk into the small waste basket there. Duo threw himself into
Heero's lap, straddled the man's hips, threw his arms around Heero's
neck, and kissed his mouth for all he was worth.

Heero was as young as Duo. He had been holding back his own needs
with an iron will, but this was too much for him. Duo found himself
lifted as Heero stood. Duo wrapped his legs around Heero's hips and
held on as the man went to the bed, still hungrily devouring the
man's lips with his. It was right. He could do it. Duo wanted so
badly. The 'need' between his legs was aching, painful, hotter than a
fire. He could feel Heero's erection hard against his own. Duo ground
his cock against it and heard Heero pant, groan, and say
breathlessly. "Now, Duo? Now? Are you sure?"

Was he sure? It broke through Duo's excitement and he realized at
last, as his back touched the bed, what came next when men became as
excited as Heero. Heero's robe was open. The man was bending over
him, that cock twitching and wanting between them, beginning to drool
with a clear liquid as it prepared itself for-

"No! God, No!" Duo shrieked and suddenly everything changed. He
wasn't safe. Not here! Not on a bed! Not in a place he didn't really
know and with a man... a man who was about to shove that hot cock
into his most sensitive of places and hurt him!

"Duo?" Heero was glazed with lust, but he was conditioned to react
quickly and to shut off his emotions like a switch. He pulled back
and stepped far away from Duo as Duo scrambled up from the bed,
shouting, cursing, throwing whatever came to hand as he bolted for
the door.

Duo made it to his own room. He slammed the door shut, locked it,
and then slid down the slick surface until he was sitting and sobbing
on the floor. He wasn't surprised at the timid knock, but he was
surprised when he heard Quatre's soft voice on the other side.

"Duo? Can we talk?"

Duo sniffled, wiped at his red eyes, and slowly levered himself off
of the floor. He didn't want to open the door, but the blonde Arabian
had always been his good friend. If he could talk to someone, it was
Quatre.

When Duo opened the door, he saw Quatre standing outside looking
embarrassed and uncertain.

"Uh, Duo," Quatre said timidly. "I heard you shouting. Did something
happen between you and Heero? He didn't- didn't hurt you, did he?"

Duo grinned and leaned against the door with his best acted
nonchelance. "What makes you think that, Quat- man? We always fight,
you know that. Heero never does manage to get in a punch. I'm too
fast." he pretended to duck and weave, still grinning.

Quatre took a breath and then said something that made Duo cringe.
"I know what Heero's been trying to help you with. He's been
consulting with Trowa about it." He looked up at Duo's growing alarm.
"Don't worry, Duo, it's all right, really it is. Trowa and I
understand what you're going through." He looked away and was
suddenly sad. "Trowa had the same problem, you see. It seems bad
childhoods are easier to come by than I imagined."

Duo blinked, he felt both ashamed that his problem was common
knowledge now, and dumbfounded at the revelation that Quatre and
Trowa were a couple: a couple with the same problems as Heero and
himself. He didn't know what to say faced with that revelation. His
smile had dropped, all pretense ripped away.

"We went too fast," Duo replied at last, feeling emotionally naked
now. "I wanted - I wanted to be with Heero," he blushed furiously. It
was hard to say that even to himself, to admit that he wanted another
man even to someone who was with a man himself. "But, I didn't feel
safe. I panicked. I probably hurt Heero a lot. I had him all... fired
up and ready to go, I guess."

"Ah, you didn't feel safe," Quatre repeated, strangely
understanding. "Trowa had that problem too, not feeling safe. We
still can't...well, there are other ways of doing it, Duo. You do
realize that?"

Duo went bitter, his skin feeling cold. "I probably know more about
what two men can do together than you or Trowa, Quatre. I just can't
do any of it. Like I said. I don't feel safe..or strong."

"Strong?" Quatre raised golden eyebrows at him.

"I still feel six years old," Duo explained, really embarrassed now.

"I understand."

"Can you?"

Quatre nodded and smiled that gentle smile that always made Duo feel
as if he had been wrapped in a warm, comforting blanket. "You need to
go where you feel safe. Isn't that what you did when you were so sick
with pneumonia?"

That struck Duo hard. He blinked and felt as if he had been handed a
life line. Deathscythe, his safe place? Of course, it's where he was
in complete control, had always been in control. In the seat of his
Gundam he was a man, not an abused boy from the dumps of L2.

"Thanks, Quatre," Duo said gratefully. "I think you've helped me
with that space heart of yours."

"It's a burden sometimes, but helping my friends makes it worth
while," Quatre replied. "Will you be all right now, Duo?"

"Yeah, Quatre. I think I will."

***

"Is for you," Wu Fei announced without taking his eyes off of his
newspaper.

It was sitting on top of the television, a pretty silver box with a
metallic pink ribbon tying it up. The card, with neat script, said,
'to beloved Duo.' Duo felt like a volcano ready to explode. The
others were sitting about the room as well, Trowa picking through a
bowl of something he was eating and Quatre putting a puzzle together
on the coffee table. All of them were staring now, waiting to see
what was in the package.

Duo untied the pink ribbon with angry, shaking hands. The box opened
and he pulled out a small, stuffed, fuzzy pink rabbit with a
delicate, porcelain heart tied to its neck with a red ribbon. He
threw it across the room and rabbit and porcelain hit the wall with a
forlorn rubber squeak and a shattering sound that made Duo wince.

"Where's Heero?!" Duo demanded to the room in general.

"Uh," Trowa began

"Now, Duo, I'm sure he meant well-" Quatre began.

"In the back," Wu Fei replied, still not looking up, but sounding
satisfied nonetheless. "In the shed we cleaned out for exercising."

Duo took off. Trowa and Quatre both glared at Wu Fei. Wu Fei felt
their eyes and shrugged, still without looking up. "He's been
bothering the boy in a dishonorable way. Time for a little justice
for Heero Yuy."

Quatre sighed and Trowa gave Wu Fei's cluelessness a few choice
words under his breath.

"Heero!" Duo bellowed as he rounded the corner of the house and
plowed into the shed. Heero was naked to the waist, sweating as he
lifted weights in both hands. He put them down and crouched slightly,
obviously feeling threatened by Duo's abrupt entrance.

"What's wrong?"

"What do you think I am?" Duo demanded. "You keep giving me gifts
that are sickening! I'm not a girl, I'm a man! Are you insulting me
on purpose or are you really that stupid to think that I want pink
bunnies and candy hearts and... Grrr! I'm going to show you just how
much of a man I am Heero Yuy! I know you think I'm weak! Those gifts
prove it. You haven't sent me on any missions. You haven't asked me
to test pilot my Gundam. You haven't even asked me to scout the area.
That tells me that you don't trust me any more. You think I can't
handle it, don't you? Or do you just want to keep me in the safe
house to feel you up every night like some perverted girlfriend?"

"How can I trust you to complete a mission?" Heero asked. He leaned
over and picked up a towel, calmly wiping the sweat from his face.
"You've been so sick. You've just recovered from serious injuries. We
both know what happened last time I sent you out on a mission after
you swore you were well enough to do it. You need to prove it to me
this time." He put aside his towel. "If you put me on my back, I'll
send you out again."

"That's just what I came here intending to do!" Duo shouted,
furious, and didn't wait for Heero to get ready. He swung a punch,
spun when Heero ducked it, and then brought his foot around to land a
solid kick in the man's chin. Heero grunted and backed up to give
himself some room for a counter attack.

The fight was fast and furious, Heero not pulling any punches. He
meant what he said Duo realized, he wanted Duo to prove he was fit.
Duo had another agenda entirely. It didn't start that way. At first,
Duo just wanted to show Heero that he wasn't some girl to be pampered
like a poodle, then it changed into an attempt to show Heero that he
was fit for a mission, and, lastly, it collapsed into madness: his
inner demons, denied revenge for too long, using Heero as the
representation of everyone who had ever hurt Duo.

Heero fell under Duo's wild assault of punches and kicks, taken by
surprise by the ferocity of Duo's attack. When a hard punch cut his
eyebrow, he was blinded with blood. Heero ducked his head
protectively and rolled into a ball on the ground. Even then, Duo
wouldn't stop. It wasn't until the other pilots arrived, curiosity
getting the better of them, that the fight was forcefully ended. It
took all of them to pull Duo off of Heero.

They all were panting now and the questions flew back and forth
furiously. Duo and Heero ignored the other pilots as if they were
still alone and locked in combat. Heero sat up, wiping blood out of
his eyes, yet those eyes never left Duo's. Duo, for his part, was
coming back to himself and realizing what he had just done to Heero.
As his heart stopped racing and his adrenalin kicked off, he began to
feel very guilty.

"Heero," Duo gasped in anguish. "What have I done to you?"

Heero touched his busted lip ruefully. "I think you just showed me
that you aren't six years old any more, Duo."

That sunk into the cold, frightened part of Duo and took root. He
stared at the damage he had done to Heero. He had always thought of
Heero as undefeatable. He had always been afraid to train with him,
preferring gentle Quatre or disinterested Trowa as a sparring partner.

"You planned this." It was a statement of fact from Duo.

"Hai," Heero admitted with a small, tight smile. "I thought that a
great deal of your-," he paused, not wanting to embarrass Duo in
front of the others. "I thought you needed more confidence in your
fighting ability. I gave you those gifts to make you angry enough to
call me out." He grimaced. "Pink, stuffed rabbits are not the kind of
gifts I would ever give you seriously, Duo."

"Oh?" Duo wondered, still a little angry. "What would you give me,
Heero Yuy?"

"Maybe you'll find out... later," Heero replied and painfully stood
up. "Right now, I need Trowa to check me out. I think you might have
cracked a rib."

Duo felt a wave of guilt again and he forgot all of his anger in an
instant. "Heero, I'm really sorry-"

"Baka!" Heero grunted. "You beat me fairly. I don't deserve anything
less for letting anyone do that. If this were a mission, I would be
dead. We'll have to practice together again, so that I can learn to
counter your moves." He emphasized his next words carefully. "So
we'll be equals, Duo."

Equals, Duo echoed to himself, not one above the other, not one
dominating and hurting the other. Equals. "I think I'd like that,"
Duo replied softly.

"Next they'll be holding hands!" Wu Fei snorted in disgust as he
tried to help Heero limp away, but Heero paused by Duo's side and his
gaze was very intense.

"It didn't bother me," Heero said, "for you to be stronger than me.
Think about that, all right?"

Heero was saying something else, Duo knew, and he puzzled over it as
Quatre chewed him out for fighting so roughly. Duo only half listened
as he suddenly understood. It was a revelation, a radical idea that
he wouldn't have considered before the fight with Heero or even
thought possible.

"'K, Quatre, I was bad boy," Duo said absently, cutting the blonde
Arabian off. "I'll run ten laps to punish myself. See ya."

Quatre was incensed but Duo had already forgotten about him as he
left the shed. Heero had made an offer and Duo found that he wasn't
afraid to accept it. Still, he needed to think, to prepare himself,
and to find a place where he felt safe enough to go through with it.

***

"Duo?"

Duo swiveled in the command chair of Deathscythe and smiled shyly as
Heero lowered himself into the cockpit. The pilot of Wing looked
around nervously at the lit candles. Fire and Gundams didn't mix.
Still, he tried to relax. He knew that Duo was making some sort of
effort and he couldn't rebuff him now by reciting fire safety
regulations.

Duo for his part felt ready to jump out of the Gundam and the plan
all together. He was grateful when Heero gingerly sat on a clear
space as far from Duo as he could manage. That gave Duo time to
adjust to the man's presence, to work up his nerve again.

"I received your note," Heero prompted at last, stiff and formal.
"It said you needed my help?"

"How are you feeling?" Duo wondered. The man had a stitch over his
eye and his face was bruised, part of his lip swelled and purple.
"Nothing broken?"

"No, nothing broken, Duo," Heero assured him quietly. "I'm ready for
what ever you want."

"For whatever I want?" Duo repeated, wanting it made clear.

Heero nodded and he was suddenly the shy one, looking down at the
hands in his lap. "We don't need a timer for this. I'll get
undressed. You don't have to if you don't want to. I'll let you do
what ever you want, Duo."

"Do you know why I wanted you to come here?" Duo asked.

Heero nodded. "You told me when you were ill. You felt safe here, in
control. You felt that you could do anything, even live when your
body wanted to die."

"I don't remember," Duo replied, groping for it, wanting to remember
it. It had been such a turning point for Heero and himself. Well,
this was another one, he thought, and this one he would remember. "I
don't want to hurt you," he said, wanting that clear.

Heero gave him a level look. "I won't let you hurt me, Duo."

"Good."

"Fine."

Duo felt a smile tug at his lips, nervous and unsure. "You're afraid
too, aren't you Heero?"

"Yes." It was almost impossible for Heero to admit to that.

"Then," Duo licked dry lips. "Let's do this together... as equals.
We'll both get undressed."

They did undress, self consciously and awkwardly in the confines of
the Gundam cockpit. Naked now, they faced each other barely a foot
apart, Duo still keeping his position where he felt safest, in the
command chair. Heero was already visibly excited. Duo was cold and
curled in on himself.

"Do you have any idea...," Heero paused. "Of course you do, but, so
do I, I guess."

"No, we don't," Duo replied bitterly. "We don't know at all, Heero.
We only know how someone can hurt us, how someone can have sex with
us. Making love... we don't know the first thing about that."

"Let's find out, Duo, please? Don't be afraid. I'll just...," Heero
lowered himself onto the edge of the command chair. "I'll just hold
still and you can... you can do it to me."

Duo flinched. "No, don't talk about it that way. That's what they
used to say to me. 'Do it to you. Ten credits to let me do it to you,
Trash.'" Heero winced. It made Duo reach out to him and he caressed
Heero's cheek. Heero's skin was so soft for being so tanned and warm,
so very warm. It flushed red like a flag under Duo's fingers and Duo
felt an almost imperceptible tremble. Heero was afraid. He had lied
when he had said that he had gotten over his own rapes.

"Duo...," Heero began, maybe losing his nerve now, but Duo brushed
his lips with a thumb and Heero fell silent. He had always seen Heero
as strong, emotionless, cold, and driven. It was disconcerting to see
what lay at the heart of that protective wall. Heero was as much a
frightened child as Duo. He needed reassurance too.

The fear left Duo. It shocked him, to suddenly be without it. It had
been his constant companion as long as he could remember, but concern
and love for Heero was banishing it now. Heero needed him to be
strong and brave. Heero needed him, Duo Maxwell, the trained soldier,
the Gundam pilot, the laughing joker, the man, not Duo Maxwell, the
shivering, lost boy of L2. For Heero, Duo would be strong.

"I'll make it all right," Duo said softly. "I know how to be gentle."

And Duo was gentle. He ran his hands over Heero's body, caressing
and massaging him. The pilot of Wing Zero let his head hang back,
eyes closed, as he breathed softly, enjoying Duo's touch. Safe, Duo
thought, he was safe and in control. Deathscythe cradled them inside
it, protecting them and giving them a special place far enough away
from any reminder of past experiences that they could relax and be
free of anxiety and flashbacks.

"Duo," Heero breathed. "It hurts."

Duo's hands froze. "What?" he asked uncertainly and then understood
without Heero having to explain. Duo gathered courage and slowly ran
his hands down Heero's chest to his waiting, throbbing, painful cock.
Duo took hold of it and Heero moaned. It was such a thrilling sound,
Duo thought, and felt his own cock slap against his belly in
response. With every nerve tense, Duo took hold of Heero's hand and
carefully placed it on his own erection.

Heero took hold of Duo gingerly. He squeezed too hard suddenly and
Duo winced and jerked. "Gomen, Duo, Gomen! Don't be afraid!"

Duo took a breath as Heero relaxed his hand. "S'all right, Heero,"
he managed to say. "You need... I think you need to relax and not be
so... anxious."

"Hai," Heero agreed and swallowed audibly. "Could you... Duo, could
you move your hand on me. Up and down, all right?"

"'K," Duo breathed and tried it. He was awkward at it, fumbling,
until Heero guided him to the right motion. It didn't seem enough
until Heero began doing the same for him. Then Duo understood just
how satisfying that little friction could be. "Gods!" Duo choked out.

Heero started and looked Duo in the face. "Did I hurt you?"

"No!" Duo replied. "Just... don't stop, Heero. Keep... please, keep
doing that!"

Heero was shocked. "Duo, haven't you ever done it for yourself?"

Duo shook his head, feeling ashamed, on the outside of 'normal'
boyhood behavior. "I never wanted a reminder of what happened. I
didn't want sex of any kind."

Heero was perplexed. "Didn't you... hurt... need... ache for-"

"Yeah, I guess," Duo replied, looking down at Heero's and his
massaging hands. God, it felt so good! "I just didn't know what it
was or what to do about it."

"You've, uh, come, haven't you?" Heero was even redder now,
embarrassed.

Duo ducked his head, even more embarrassed than Heero. "Yeah, in my
sleep sometimes."

"In your sleep? Then you've never really..." Heero was amazed and
then suddenly excited. "Let me finish you, Duo. Just... Just close
your eyes and let me do everything, all right?"

"I can't. I'll be afraid again. Let me... let me watch," Duo pleaded.

"All right." Heero didn't do anything though, just sat for a long
moment. Then he confessed, "I asked Trowa about this, but I've never
done it and I never had anyone do it to me. I know you're afraid of
being... of being entered. I don't want to do that to you, Duo, and,
I have to admit, that I don't want it done to me either. Too many
memories for both of us. I wanted an alternative. I wanted to know
how not to hurt you. Trowa had the answer. I think this will be okay
if you trust me, Duo."

"You're going to blow me, aren't you?" Duo asked bluntly and his
eyes went flat.

"What?"

"Put your mouth on my cock," Duo clarified. "I've done that before.
It was popular with people who didn't want to risk getting an L2
whore's diseases." Duo looked away. "No one ever did it for me. I
guess I always wondered what it felt like, why they liked it so much."

Heero was silent for a long moment. Their hands had stopped moving.
Heero began to withdraw his altogether, but Duo stopped him and gave
him an intense gaze from his violet eyes.

"It's okay, Heero," Duo promised. "I won't be afraid, not with you.
With you, it doesn't seem dirty or wrong."

Heero nodded and gathered his own courage. He slowly leaned over and
put Duo into his mouth. Duo stiffened in more ways than one and put
his hands on Heero's head, twisting fingers into the Japanese boy's
dark hair. They stayed like that, frozen, Heero maybe waiting for Duo
to explode in fear. When Duo didn't, he slowly began moving his mouth
up and down, echoing the motion his hand had been performing earlier.

One sided love, wasn't love at all, Duo decided, as every nerve in
his body trembled and tightened with pleasure. He bucked up into
Heero's mouth and squirmed in his chair as he whimpered in sheer
delight at the sensations shooting up and down his suckled cock. He
had to return the favor. He couldn't let Heero sink to the level of
'servicing him' and Duo couldn't allow himself to take the opposite
position of 'customer'. To diffuse that kind of thinking, Duo had to
give as much as Heero was giving. They had to be equal.

Duo reclined the command chair and pulled Heero into it. Stretching
out along Heero's body, Duo took Heero's swollen cock into his own
mouth. It was so hard it hurt the insides of his mouth, but Duo
persisted, sucking with experience, swirling his tongue at the head
while he took it in past his tonsils, to the tight ring of muscles
there. He began a smooth in and out rhythm, stroking the slit with
the tip of his tongue on every upstroke and lapping at the sensitive
underside on the downstroke. It was a motion he had learned to make a
man come as quickly as possible. A whore never wanted to linger. When
Duo remembered that, he slowed down and curtailed some of his motions.

Duo was amazed at himself. He didn't want it over quickly. He was
actually enjoying the salty, silky feel and taste of Heero's cock in
his mouth. When Heero took Duo's cock into his warm mouth again and
began mimicking Duo's actions, Duo went straight to heaven with a
groan and a strangled cry. He heard Heero's own cries in his ears and
knew he was giving the man as much pleasure as he was getting. That
meant more to Duo than anything else in the world. His heart and his
soul almost burst with emotions, but his cock exploded first.

"Shit! Oh, my God! I'm dying, Heero! I'm dying!" A tremendous
sensation lashed over Duo's senses. He actually saw red before his
eyes as every nerve overloaded with pleasure. He felt a hot liquid
shoot out of him into Heero and Duo's cock was engulfed in warm mouth
and hot semen. He bucked and thrashed, screaming now, but Heero
refused to release him, continuing his rhythm until Duo was clawing
at him, afraid that he really was dying. He didn't realize that
Heero's cock was out of his mouth and that he was gripping it in his
fright and overwhelming pleasure. It spasmed in his grip and he felt
hot semen shoot over his frightened face. That was too much. Duo
began to fight in earnest now and Heero finally realized it. He
released Duo and sat back, wiping at his mouth and looking at Duo
anxiously.

"Are you all right, Duo, love?"

Duo, love? That cut through the fear and Duo felt astonished. He
regained his senses all in a rush. He wasn't dying, he realized as he
hunched into a tight ball with his arms locked around his knees. In
fact, he was singing in every nerve with pleasure. "Was that- Was
that coming?"

Heero choked on a laugh and then thought better of it. He went
serious with an effort. "Yes, Duo, you most certainly 'came'. I
forgot that it can be, a little overwhelming. Did you really think
you were dying, love?"

Again that word. Duo blinked and nodded. "I'm sorry, Heero. I ruined
it."

Heero shook his head sharply. He reached out very gently and
gathered Duo into his arms. "It was perfect, Duo." He said, "It was
our first time. That's always special. It can't be ruined."

"First time?" Duo felt bitter again.

"Yes," Heero insisted. "We've been fucked plenty, I suppose, but
we've never, either of us, made love before. We came together as
virgins."

Duo scowled and his mouth quirked. "Did you write that poetry you
put with my gifts?" Heero nodded and Duo rolled his eyes. "Who would
have thought that Heero Yuy had such a sappy side to him under all of
his conditioning?"

"Sappy?" Heero frowned.

"We just fucked, Heero. Come on, say it with me," Duo chuckled and
held Heero tight, wrapping his whole body around the man. "We fucked
each other's mouths and I came... I shot it right into your mouth. It
was the best... It was the greatest sensation I have ever felt. I
fucked! I fucked, Heero! Don't take that away from me. I don't want
it wrapped up pretty with poetry attached, Heero. I'm a man! I wanna
know that I fucked you and that you fucked me. Does that bother you?"

Heero scowled and then broke into a smile too. "What happened to
frightened Duo who was afraid to even think about sex? Maybe I've
created a monster."

Duo went serious. "That Duo was never told that someone loved him.
That kind of thing gives confidence wings, Heero Yuy. I've trampled
my demons at last. With you, I'll fuck and I'll love, and I'll love
to fuck... you, and only you, okay? You have my heart Heero. I love
you too, ya know?"

"Along with Deathscythe," Heero chuckled, amazed at this blossoming
man in his arms, the adult Duo rising up from the ashes of the abused
boy of L2.

"Can't do that with ol' Deathscythe," Duo laughed and gave the metal
wall a rap with his knuckles. "Besides, he's not the jealous kind. He
understands."

"I do too," Heero said and those three words said so much more.

Duo heard what he was trying to say. "Yeah, we still have to go on
missions, risks our lives, and pilot these cold machines. I won't cry
when you leave, Heero, I won't try and keep you from a mission
because I'm afraid you might not come back. I know how things stand.
I know how they have to be. We're not a couple. We're a foursome and
we know we aren't number one to each other. These war machines are
number one."

Heero nodded, glad that he never had to say those words. He kissed
Duo deeply and the young man rested against his breast, maybe
listening to his heart. Duo wanted to be a man now. He had been stuck
in the past of a boy too long. Heero understood, because he was
feeling the same way. He had been stunted, emotionally castrated for
too long. Duo had broken the flood gates and now Heero knew he had
the chance to get over his past too. He knew he would never tell Duo
that the lessons with the timer had been from his own childhood, only
the timer had been set to tick off the seconds while Heero had been
commanded to pick a punishment, not a pleasure. Time to forget about
that tormented boy, Heero thought, just as Duo was learning to forget
about his.

Heero slid a hand down Duo's back and Duo stirred. Heero knew to be
gentle, to be cautious. The old fear could too easily rise up again,
if he wasn't careful. It all couldn't be cured in a day. Still, Heero
took a chance, "Let's fuck again, Duo."

Duo laughed and then crowed, "Alllllrigghttt! Shinigami's getting
some again! Close your eyes ol' Deathscythe!"

They laughed together and then they made love under the watchful,
blinking lights of Shinigami's other lover.

Owari
Go to Part 4: Order of Importance

==========================================
Shinigami's Lover Arc 1: Part 4
Part 4: Order of Importance
by Kracken (signs@screaminet.com)

Disclaimer: The G. Boys belong to me in another reality, but,
unfortunately, not in this one. I'm not making any money off of them,
unless you consider ego stroking payment. If you want to sue me for
that, I'll happily stroke you plenty. :)

Warnings: Yaoi. Guy with Guy sex. Angst. Violence. Poor Duo (so
misunderstood) and nasty Heero (but, maybe this time he has a reason,
ne?) Duo torture ahead! Rape, but only in dreams. Finger sex! Sad,
very sad, but then happy, so don't be afraid, okay?

This is yet another sequel, but you don't have to read the rest to
know what's going on.

Visit my ML at http://groups.yahoo.com/group/krackenml/
Updates at http://groups.yahoo.com/group/KrackenficsML
Published works at Amazon.com under Della Boynton
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/1589090691
==========================================

"I still don't like the idea of glue holding together my
Deathscythe," Duo growled as he strained to hold two parts together
while Heero leaned close with the glue applicator. It made a heated,
popping sound as he worked over the crack in the Gundam's arm.

"This is all we have on site," Heero muttered. "It will hold until
we can get to a welder, so stop complaining, Baka, and keep those
parts together!"

"Yes, dear," Duo panted sarcastically. He was sweating buckets and
his arms were trembling with the strain. "Hurry up, man! I can't do
this much longer."

They were both balanced precariously on top of the extended arm of
Deathscythe, crouched over their work, as they attempted to get the
battle scarred Gundam operational enough to leave that dangerous
area. Oz scouts had come very close on several occasions, tripping
the outer motion detector in the deep woods around them. It was only
a matter of time before they were discovered.

Heero had his shirt off, slim, muscled torso gleaming with sweat and
dark hair a tousled, sweat filled mess. His dark, intense eyes were
on his work. His mouth was a set, grim line smudged on the edge with
a bit of grease. Duo found himself looking at that mouth and
remembering hard, needy kisses, even as he gritted his teeth and
tried to convince his screaming body to keep holding those two pieces
of metal together for Heero. When he recovered feeling in his arms
again, Duo promised himself he'd reward himself by taking that
unyielding mouth with his and teaching it some sweet gentleness.

"Don't call me that," Heero said without pausing in his work.

"Huh?"

"I told you before, I will not be called stupid 'pet' names. Not
'dear', not 'honey'; none of that. I don't even..., " he paused to
work on a particularly difficult spot and then continued tightly, "I
don't even want anyone knowing about us. It could be disruptive."

"Uh, Heero?"

Heero flicked eyes briefly up at Duo and then back down at his work.

"I think everyone already knows about us. Sorry, Heero, but Quatre
has a big mouth and there aren't a lot of us to hide stuff from, ya
know?" A cramp began in Duo's shoulders and he hissed. "Damn it,
Heero, I can't hold this forever!"

"Then shut up and let me finish, Baka!"

"Hey, you're the one who's talking!"

"No, I'm not!"

"Yes, you are!"

"Duo!"

"Heero!" Duo mocked.

They were hot, sweaty, and tired, their young bodies at the limits
of endurance because of the backbreaking work and conditions they had
been forced to endure in the last few days. Their tempers were bombs
ready to go off. Duo, as usual, was only too glad to light the fuse.
He shouldn't have been surprised at the explosion of anger from
Heero, but he was.

"Kisama!" Heero snarled as he slapped the glue applicator into one
hand and then reached out to grab Duo with the other, a furious
expression on his face.

Duo reacted immediately and with nearly fatal consequences. Coming
from a childhood filled with abuse and living a life on the edge as a
Gundam pilot, Duo had any number of ingrained reactions when
confronted by intended violence, even from the man he loved. The
strongest reaction, was to get away. Duo recoiled from Heero's
clutching hand. Balanced on the arm of the Gundam, there was only one
direction to go, off.

Heero's shocked expression told Duo his mistake in the split second
before he started to fall backwards. Heero flipped the glue
applicator out of his way. Hot, chemical glue went spraying as he
reached out with both hands, lightning fast, to snatch at Duo and try
and save him from the nearly three story fall.

Heero's hands tangled in Duo's braid and the chain of his gold
cross. Both snapped taught as Heero pushed himself backwards with
strong legs. It was pure self sacrifice. There wasn't anywhere for
Heero to gain leverage except by pushing himself off the other side
of Deathscythe's arm.

"No!" Duo shrieked. His face twisted in horror as he clawed at
Heero's hands. Brought back up to safety, Heero at first thought the
man he loved was trying to save him now. He was dead wrong. Duo's
amethyst eyes were wide, crazy even, as he tried to get Heero to let
go of his two most precious possessions, his cross and his braid!

The only thing that saved Heero's life at that point was the fact
that one of his hands, the one clutching Duo's nearly five feet of
braid, was covered in an industrial strength epoxy glue. It had set
instantly, binding hair and flesh together. Duo couldn't get him off
now no matter how much he wanted to.

Heero reached up and clawed frantically at Duo. The man had a firm
grip on the Gundam and Heero was confident that grip would hold as he
literally climbed up Duo's body to safety, nearly jerking Duo's black
shirt off of his body as he grabbed, twisted, and clawed for
purchase. The boy was fighting him the entire time, emitting a mad,
frantic cry over and over as he tried to get Heero to let go of his
braid. Once Heero was safe, he turned and slapped Duo hard in the
face with a resounding 'crack!' that seemed to echo in the forest
even over Duo's noises.

Duo froze, staring, the crying ceasing and his face turning an ugly
color of red in the shape of a hand print, as he abruptly sat down.
Heero crouched before him, tense, ready for more trouble and roiling
with emotions he hardly knew how to deal with. Duo was catatonic for
almost a full minute and then he looked down at his braid and ran a
hand along its length. When his hand reached Heero's, he said in a
very dangerous voice, "Let go,"

"I can't!" Heero seethed. "We're glued together!"

"Let go!" Duo demanded again, louder, refusing to see reason.
"You're going to hurt it!"

Heero studied the hand and the attached hair, not wanting to be
trapped in that way any more than Duo. It was bad. A great clump of
strands was solidly attached to the palm of Heero's hand by a thick
smearing of dried glue. Heero wasn't about to break that news to Duo
in their precarious position.

"Let's get down on the ground," Heero suggested. "We can't deal with
this up here."

"'K," Duo bit out pathetically, "Just...don't pull!"

They awkwardly made their way to the ground, Duo repeating, "Don't
pull", viciously more than once. When they were safely on the ground,
Heero backed a few steps and tried to analyze Duo's behavior. At the
moment, the boy was staring fixedly at his braid where it met Heero's
hand, his eyes wide and his other hand clutching at the gold cross at
his breast.

"Calm down," Heero ordered sharply. "If you get violent again, you
may lose some of your hair." Duo's face twitched in fear, but it gave
Heero some confidence that his next words wouldn't lead to another
attack. "The epoxy can only be removed by a solvent. We don't have
any." The next words were obvious and necessary. Heero found that he
couldn't say them.

Weak, an inner voice snarled at Heero. There were Oz soldiers
looking for them. The Gundams had to be saved. Heero and Duo couldn't
pilot their Gundams, or even escape, stuck together by a length of
braid. Duo knew that as much as Heero, but he was shaking his head in
a manic fashion, denying the reality of their situation.

"It's all I have!" Duo suddenly shouted, to Heero, to the Gundams,
to the forest in general. "My cross and my braid! They've always been
mine no matter what! I-I can't lose either one! I can't! I won't! I
won't let this happen!" His eyes bored into Heero's eyes now and he
said, coming back a little to himself, "I'd rather be dead."

And, Heero thought, Duo would rather he, Heero, be dead, too. He had
proven that when he had chosen the length of hair over Heero's life
when they had been on the Gundam's arm. Heero couldn't name the
emotion twisting him up inside. All he knew was that it hurt
incredibly when he thought of that.

Emotions not locked up safely in the pit of Heero's being were a
completely new thing to him. So, too, was his relationship with Duo.
Heero was still trying to understand love. It was cruel that he was
learning heartbreak sooner. He had forced himself to be patient with
Duo because of the boy's violent past, understanding his emotional
scars because of the ones he, Heero, had himself. That their
relationship would be a slow blooming thing, had been understood.
Even their brief encounters with lovemaking had to have stringent
rules and hard lines never to be crossed. Duo, for all his innate
cheerfulness and brash personality, was more like a wild, timid
animal when it came to dealing with anything physical, but then,
Heero was the same way when it came to expressing emotions. He had
lived too long without them for it all to come easily and naturally.
An impossible situation, the soldier part of Heero had said too
often. Heero was wondering if that cruel voice had been right after
all.

Heero looked at Duo and felt....he tried to sort it out, make sense
of it. For the success of a mission, he knew he would sacrifice Duo.
It was a given. Duo knew that, had always known that even before they
had admitted that there was something between them. So, too, Heero
would sacrifice Duo to keep the Gundams safe. That was also a given.
Two things more important than Duo's life, but two things of
incredible importance in the larger scheme of things. It was logical.
It was right. This length of hair and a beaten, gold cross...they
were mental crutches to the fragile heart of Duo's mind. Pacifiers,
the disgusted, soldier part of Heero's mind snarled, but the part
that had grown to love Deathscythe's pilot understood, understood
that these things were unquestionably part of what kept Duo whole and
functioning in their bloody, war torn, young lives.

"I won't hurt your braid," Heero announced slowly and carefully, so
that Duo wouldn't doubt him. "Give me your knife."

Duo glared.

"You don't have a choice," Heero told him. "Either give me the knife
or I'll be forced to knock you unconscious and take it. You know I
can do it."

Duo relented reluctantly. He pulled the knife out of its sheath at
his back and slowly handed it hilt first to Heero. Heero took it and
tested the edge. Just as he suspected, it was razor sharp. Duo had a
penchant for laziness, but not when it came to his weapons.

Duo was shaking and he hated it. He was watching himself from a
mental distance, horrified by what he had done to save his precious
hair and cross, but unable to stop the reflexes that had been
ingrained in him over long years. So many people had tried to cut off
his braid, for spite, for torture, for laughs. Accidents, too, had
tied to claim that length of chestnut hair. It held memories of the
whore house, customer after customer taking hold of it, jerking,
pulling, wrapping it about their hands to control a small boy while
they abused him. It held memories of torture, Oz soldiers hanging him
by it, choking him with it, pulling it and him from man to man while
they beat him to a pulp. Yet, it also held cherished memories. A dim,
remembered mother and father... a mother stroking his hair, 'Such
pretty hair. A shame to ever cut it.' Solo grinning and kissing it
like a man would kiss a ladies hand, mocking, teasing, so cherished
as he pulled Duo close by it and hugged him. Maxwell Church, the
Sister brushing out his hair and braiding it while she hummed hymns,
her last touch in the world amidst death and destruction that fall of
chestnut braid. And lately, Heero's rough caresses and his
inexperienced fingers stroking and running over one of the few things
that a nervous Duo would allow him to touch unasked, his unbound hair.

The cross, too, had its memories, but it was mostly a reminder, a
reminder of why Duo fought in the war. It was a symbol of the ones he
had inadvertently caused to die; a grave marker of guilt and a
standard for his need to avenge them. To part with it would have been
like losing a part of his soul, a burned, tormented part, but one Duo
needed as much as he needed his hair. Both reminded him why he went
on living when he could have comfortably committed suicide long ago.
Duo needed to remember his past, to know that he had been loved and
had loved, and he needed to know that there was purpose to his life,
one of exacting revenge and another of pure spite, to foil the enemy
that had wanted him dead since the destruction of Maxwell Church long
ago.

Braid and cross, both more important than the man Duo loved, but
they were old companions and Duo's relationship with Heero was still
so new and painful. To trust Heero, the intense eyed pilot of Wing
Zero, a man who could be single minded and violent where the mission
and the war were concerned, with the two most important things in his
life, was a mark of desperation on Duo's part. He saw that the
situation was hopeless. His mind had run through every point in his
brain, trying to think of a solution that wouldn't entail losing some
hair. Nothing had come to him. Heero was right, not in that he was
stronger than Duo or that he could do what he intended by force, but
that Duo didn't have any choice. He also knew that if Heero was lying
and that knife cut any amount of hair, Duo was going to lose his mind
and either kill himself or Heero. It was in his tense stance and most
certainly in his manic, glittering eyes.

Heero saw it as he took long deep breaths to force an adrenalin
rush. His face went grim and hard as he sank into the mental
discipline that would switch off pain receptors and allow him to
reach a plateau of determination to accomplish what he knew he had to
do. When he was ready, Heero acted without warning, bringing the
knife blade down on his own hand. It took five sharp slices downward
to severe skin from hand and to free him of Duo's beloved braid.

Blood splattered them both. Duo's eyes went wide and he took a
breath to scream in horror. Heero dropped the knife and slapped his
good hand over Duo's mouth. Duo's scream was muffled against it as
Heero brought pressure to bear and pushed Duo to the ground. He held
the pilot in an unbreakable grip, waiting for the panic to subside
and the noises Duo was making to stop.

"I need," Heero panted, his cut hand clutched hard in a fist of
blood and rent skin. "I need the medical kit. You'll have to wrap
this up. Damn you, Baka! Get over it and do as I say!"

Duo was shaking in every limb. When Heero cautiously released him,
he shrank away from Heero as if he were a monster. His braid,
trailing the dirt, clearly had a piece of glue and Heero's bloody
skin attached to it.

"I did what you wanted," Heero said brutally. "I saved your precious
hair!"

Duo flinched. "I- Heero! I never wanted-"

"Didn't you?" Heero spat back. "Go get the medical kit. Now!"

Still Duo hesitated, in a kind of shock. He couldn't refute what
Heero was saying as much as he wanted to. It was true. Every word.

"Ike!" Heero snarled and his hand cracked across Duo's face. Duo
cringed inward on himself, hands coming up defensively. "Ike!" Heero
shouted again and drew back his hand for another slap.

"All right!" Duo shouted back and exploded out of his crouch to his
feet, face red and eyes more sane than they had been since the whole
incident began. "I'm going! D-Don't hit me again! Ever! I won't- I
can't, oh, God, Heero! Why did you do that? Why?"

Heero glared, still panting in pain. "Tell me," he said viciously.
"Tell me that you would rather I had cut your hair than myself."

Duo struggled but he never told lies. He couldn't start now.

"Thought so," Heero snarled. "Get the medical kit. At least patch me
up when I make such sacrifices for you."

Duo ran over to their supplies, still packed in metal containers by
the remains of their last night's camp. Opening the lid of one and
rummaging for the medical kit, Duo tried hard not to cry. He was
trembling so badly that he could hardly make his fingers close on the
familiar case with the red cross on the cover. Heero had saved his
life and his braid, sacrificing himself, just as he had said. He had
proved how much he loved Duo, that he was willing to make the
ultimate sacrifice for him. Duo had traded that love for a cold cross
and a length of hair. He knew that Heero would never forgive him.
Whatever they had, was gone now.

Duo made a bad job of binding Heero's hand. The man stayed stoically
silent as Duo smeared the large wound with an adhesive bandage and an
antibiotic. When he was done, he could hardly see through the haze of
emotion and unshed tears. He wanted to say something, but everything
Duo thought of to say sounded like so much wasted breath. Thank him?
Heero didn't want his thanks. He should never have had to make the
sacrifice. Apologize? Duo wasn't sorry, couldn't be when he still
couldn't wish that Heero had cut his braid instead of himself. In the
end, there was nothing to say and Duo clenched his jaw in anguish
when he realized it.

Heero saw that clenched jaw. It wasn't a mystery to him, what Duo
was thinking. The boy felt guilty. That was something, Heero
supposed, but was it enough? At that moment, nursing his wounded
hand, Heero didn't think it was. Common sense excused Duo. Every one
of the Gundam pilots had their own brand of madness because of their
violence filled lives. Duo's obsession with his cross and braid
wasn't any different, yet in what he was willing to sacrifice for it
was different. Heero's heart, so newly opened to love for the braided
boy, was bleeding as much as his hand. Heero's heart was angry. It
was, as yet, unforgiving.

"We have work to do," Heero said at last, rising and heading back
for Deathscythe as if he wasn't wounded and still bleeding heavily.

Duo wanted to protest. He followed Heero and began to say that he
should rest, until he saw the smattering of glue burns on Heero's
upper body. That stopped his tongue. His fault, all of it. Heero had
lived up to his name and Duo had lived up to his. Heero had
sacrificed. Duo had revealed the other side of himself, the mad,
desperate side of Duo Maxwell, the side of himself that was weak and
needed crutches to survive. It was the side that Duo had never wanted
Heero to see or anyone else for that matter. Once Heero had asked
Duo, "why the name?" , and Duo remembered replying that it had been
better than what his customers had named him, 'Bitch'. Heero had
looked so sad for him, Duo recalled, but the response had been pure
self defense, a savage attempt to divert Heero from finding out the
truth of his name. Well, now he knew. Now he knew that there was the
competent, smiling Baka Duo and the mad, frightened, selfish Duo. Two
sides of a tarnished coin.

The work on Deathscythe's arm had to be finished. Once again, they
crouched in position, Duo holding the parts together and Heero
fumbling and attempting to use the glue applicator with his good
hand. They sweated, they swore, but they managed to forget their
emotional turmoil long enough to finish the job.

"Deathscythe will be operational tomorrow," Heero said in a tone of
voice that let Duo know that there wasn't an option. They WOULD
finish. They WOULD leave that place and get the Gundams to safety.
The demise of their relationship would have to wait until they
reached the safe house where the rest of the pilots were waiting for
them.

Night fell. Crickets and frogs began to call. They ate cold rations,
not willing to chance a fire and draw Oz scouts to their position,
and then stretched out on blankets spread over the rough ground
between the Gundams. They turned their backs on each other without
saying a word, the motion detector alarm near enough to wake them
should it go off. If that happened, the only choice they had was to
run and try and draw pursuit away from the precious Gundams.

Duo listened to Heero breathe. It wasn't steady. He was in pain. All
his fault, Duo thought and wanted dearly to punish himself somehow.
Nothing should have mattered more to him than Heero. Nothing! Why
couldn't love overcome his selfish need for his emotional crutches?
Why couldn't love be enough?

That question followed Duo into dreams. Those dreams quickly turned
into one terrible nightmare....

Duo was naked. That was his first indication that it was a
nightmare. The second, was that he was bent over at the waist, upper
body spread across a badly scarred table top, hands tied tightly to
something ahead of him and under the table. A knife stood up, pinning
his braid, through a twisted loop, to the table top. It wasn't
harming the hair yet, but it was a threat nonetheless. The third
indicator was Duo's gold cross, hanging from a man's clenched hand to
his right. The man had a hammer in his other hand. The last thing was
Heero, seated in a chair in front of him, hands tied behind his back
and face grim and intense under his wild, disordered, dark hair.

"Choose," A voice said behind Duo.

Duo tried to twist his head to look, but he couldn't. The other man
was indistinct as well, only his hands clear and 'present'.

"Are you listening, Bitch?" Yes, definitely a nightmare, Duo
thought, but he couldn't convince himself to be less afraid because
of it. It was too real, too close to the harsh reality he had known.
When a hand reached from behind to take hold of his genitals, hard
and rough, he jumped and shook from head to toe, letting out an
involuntary sob.

"Don't like anyone touching you, do you, Bitch? I won't if you
choose something else."

"Choose?" Duo tried to be brave. Heero was watching. He wouldn't
crawl in front of Heero. He wouldn't beg that hand to stop. He wasn't
a boy any longer. Heero had taught him that with patience, passion,
and love. It wasn't any less true because he was suffering in a
nightmare.

"I think we're owed some revenge for the lives you've taken in
combat," the voice informed him, dripping with hate. "We know about
these things that are so dear to you. Your cross, that beautiful
hair, your sweet body, and that poor man over there. We're going to
utterly destroy one of them. The only mercy we will show you, is that
you get to choose which one."

"Me," Heero said in a desperate, wild tone of voice, almost as if he
were threatening Duo. "Choose me. I will die for you, Duo. I love
you. Let me do this!"

"You don't have much time, Bitch," the voice taunted. "If you don't
choose now, we'll destroy all of them, everything you love."

It was only a dream, Duo chanted to himself, but that violating hand
was 'real' enough. Duo had enough memories of such touches to fuel
his imagination. He didn't have any doubt that it would feel 'real'
enough if it went further than a crude grope. The rest had a solid
quality to it as well. Duo couldn't banish the fear that braid,
cross, and Heero really could come to harm.

"I want to die for you, Duo!" Heero shouted. "Please, choose me!"

The cross and the braid didn't have any voice, but they were equally
in danger, equally liable to be sacrificed for the other. Heero, the
man he loved. The braid, holder of all his memories. The cross,
symbol and reason for living. Duo couldn't live without any of them.
In order of importance, Heero had come last. Now that Duo knew that
the pilot of Wing Zero would die for him, loved him enough to cut the
flesh off of his body, he had moved up to a position equal to the
others. Duo couldn't choose to destroy any of them, that left...

No! Duo didn't want to be the sacrifice. He had avoided even
masturbation until he had fallen in love with Heero, hating any
reminder of his abused sexual past. It was Heero who had taken the
frightened boy Duo had been and taught him how to make love and to
love his body without fear as a man. Duo knew that the voice behind
him wasn't going to be so gentle or caring. Duo knew it was going to
be a rape in the worst way.

The hammer rose over the cross. Another, bodiless hand, pried up the
knife out of the table and poised it over Duo's chestnut braid. A
club hovered over Heero's head. Time was up. Time to choose. Time to
find out what was at the heart of Duo Maxwell.

Duo gripped the table and closed his eyes, whimpering despite his
best effort not to. "Me...," He whispered it, not trusting his voice
with much more than that. "I ... I choose me."

There wasn't a preamble. Credits were tossed on the table top. They
clattered and turned end over end, coming to rest around Duo's head
as hard hands sunk steel fingers into the flesh of his hips. Payment
for a whore. That's all he was now. He wasn't Duo Maxwell. He was
only 'Bitch', as his hips were spread wide and something hard and too
large crammed into a place never meant for it.

"Like it, Bitch? So sweet and tight! I'm going to split you in two!
Come on, ride me! Ride me, Bitch!" One hand left Duo's hip, wrapped
around his braid, and used it to keep Duo in place for the tearing,
pounding, pole of flesh to get its pleasure.

"Duo!" Heero's voice thundered and reverberated in the dream. "Duo,
wake up!"

Cold water hit Duo in the face. He came up out of the nightmare,
sobbing for breath, uttering heart rending cries. He was a child, a
terrified child, but he had the strength of a man as he kicked,
punched, and scrambled to get away from the figure hovering over him.
A voice followed him, calm and gentle, but tinged with anguish too as
it said, "I will never touch you, Duo, unless you want me to."

That stopped Duo, woke him up completely. He crouched, huddling in
on himself, shaking arms wrapped around shaking legs. "S-Sorry,
Heero," Duo managed to say.

"Sorry, for what?"

Heero's voice was genuinely puzzled. Duo groped for an answer. "For
being a bastard to you. For thinking you-"

"You chose to save me, in your dream," Heero replied in the
darkness. He stepped cautiously forward, but stopped several paces
from Duo, not wanting to panic him. "I heard you. You talked in your
sleep. You let your dream rape you rather than let me and your
precious things get destroyed."

Duo shuddered at the word 'rape'. "I didn't choose you over them,"
Duo pointed out, hating himself. "I couldn't."

Duo couldn't see Heero smile, but he could feel it, a grim smile,
maybe, as grim as his voice as he said. "I think I can settle for
that. I think I'll have to, Duo." He paused and then added, "Just-
Just try not to get me killed for them, okay, Little Baka?"

Duo blinked in wonder, feeling Heero's distress and the emotions he
was struggling to reveal. It was clear that the man still loved him,
still wanted Duo, even after- Duo unclenched and stood up. Gathering
all of his strength and resolve, the dream still pricking with sharp
claws at his deepest fear, Duo stepped forward to stand directly in
front of Heero.

Duo could hear Heero breathe, but his features were still
indistinct. Duo couldn't offer him much, not after the fright he had
just suffered, but he thought that he could be brave enough to offer
something. He slowly reached out and touched Heero's face. Searching
over it delicately, he found Heero's mouth. Duo caressed Heero's lips
with his trembling finger tips.

"You called me a pet name," Duo told Heero softly. "Little Baka. I
thought we weren't giving each other names." I thought it was over
between us, Duo thought to himself, but didn't say it, hoping against
hope that it wasn't and that Heero would respond.

"Hn, suits you," Heero breathed on Duo's fingers and that breath was
warm and sensual.

"What shall I call you?" Duo wondered, marveling at how very soft
Heero's lips were. Duo thought about it and then said, "Baby."

Duo could imagine Heero scowling. "If you ever call me that in front
of anyone, Duo Baka-!"

Duo winced at the tone, almost pulled his fingers away in
trepidation, but he felt Heero's tongue lick out and catch one finger
before it could leave his lips. Duo paused like that and Heero didn't
move, didn't offer anything more, until Duo said, "All right," and
then Heero was taking that finger into his mouth and swirling his
tongue around it. Duo could hardly breathe after that, let alone call
Heero a pet name.

"Love me," Heero said around that finger.

"I do," Duo replied in a strangled, passion filled voice.

"Say it," Heero demanded. "Duo Maxwell doesn't lie. Say it, or I
won't believe it."

Duo reclaimed his finger so that he could form the words. "I love
you, Heero. Baby," he said and grabbed the back of Heero's neck,
needy and needing him closer. Heero slowly complied and their bodies
touched. Maybe he could, Duo thought, the dream fading fast as
nightmares usually did, only leaving a faint horror and a bad taste
at the back of his throat. Maybe he could show Heero as well as tell
him?

But Heero knew Duo better, knew that it would only end in panic and
frustration. He resisted Duo's pull and said simply, "Tell me what's
most important to you, Duo. I need to know."

Duo felt his body burn in frustration, but he understood what Heero
wanted, needed more than any physical closeness. "I love you, Heero,
as much as my cross, as much as my braid, much more than my
Deathscythe."

Heero leaned close, as if he were sharing a secret. "Let's go up
into Deathscythe, then" he said, "All of us together. I think we're
going to have to learn how to share."

***Owari***

Duo: Hm, that was short.
Kracken: Short and sweet?
Duo: Short and lazy.
Kracken: Hey!

Go to Part 5: Fear of Flight
==========================================
Shinigami's Lover Arc 1: Part 5
Part 5: Fear of Flight
by Kracken (signs@screaminet.com)

Disclaimer: I don't own the G- boys, they just followed me home.
Warnings: Yaoi. Guys having sex with guys and lots of it. Talk about
rape. Attempted rape. Language. Angst. Duo torture. Some humor. Angst
and humor, what fun!

Visit my ML at http://groups.yahoo.com/group/krackenml/
Updates at http://groups.yahoo.com/group/KrackenficsML
Published works at Amazon.com under Della Boynton
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/1589090691
==========================================

"There isn't anyone around, man! Just take them off, okay?"

"No."

"Aw, come on! I don't think I've ever seen you with them off, even
in bed!"

"No."

"See? Mine are off. It feels great!"

"If we were attacked-"

"You can see all the way down the beach, both ends!"

"Aircraft."

"I can see blue sky in every direction. Nothing. We are not going to
be dive bombed, okay, man?"

"Underwater craft."

"You are hopeless! Okay! Okay! Keep your damn shoes on then and get
them wet!"

Duo stalked away from Heero, barefoot and kicking up water in the
surf. Heero followed, unperturbed. They walked in silence and then
Duo shot a look back at Heero and grinned. "You're staring at my ass,
aren't you?"

Heero smirked, the closest he ever came to a smile. "I will not deny
it."

"Better not." Duo turned, walking backwards, long braid swinging in
a breeze. He was wearing a pair of shorts that clung to him tightly
and a jersey coat with deep pockets that kept his hands warm. Heero
was wearing his spandex pants, a pair of sneakers without socks, and
a loose black windbreaker that Duo knew he had put on to hide his
gun. Ever ready for danger, that was Heero Yuy. Duo was just the
opposite. He didn't have his gun. He didn't have his knife. He didn't
even have the lock picks that he usually kept in his hair. He had
wanted to be normal and have a normal outing with the man he loved.
Heero was making it difficult. Well, if he had wanted romance and
gentleness, Duo thought sourly, he should have picked another man to
fall in love with!

"This is a good place." Duo sat down well up from the water mark. He
hugged his cold knees and grinned up at a puzzled Heero. "Well, make
yourself useful,soldier. Make us a fire."

"Someone will see it," Heero grunted, eyes never ceasing from
observing their surroundings.

"Heero," Duo exclaimed in exasperation. "We don't have our Gundams
with us! For all anyone knows, we're just two boys enjoying the surf
and wishing they had surfboards and a couple of gals!"

Heero scowled. "You're shouting. Anyone can hear you."

Duo's arms tightened painfully on his knees. "The person I want to
hear me is deaf, so I don't have any choice but to yell!"

"You can't change me," Heero said in a firm tone, his dark, blue
eyes staring intensely at Duo.

"You can't change me either," Duo retorted.

"So," Heero said as he settled next to Duo in the sand. "We meet
halfway."

Duo's anger melted. He grinned again as he settled closer to Heero.
Heero took hold of the Gundam pilot's braid and softly ran the end of
it through his fingers. He brought it to his lips and kissed it,
breathing in its shampoo scent; something manly and spicy that warred
with the smell of the salt breeze. Heero didn't ask for more. He knew
he wouldn't get it. Not here. Not in an unfamiliar place.

"Look!"

Heero's hand snapped back to his gun in its butt holster, but then
he relaxed when he saw that Duo was pointing at the appearance of
several dolphins off the shore. He listened to Duo chatter on
endlessly about them, but Heero didn't mind the boring subject. It
gave him a chance to watch Duo's animated face, his sparkling
amethyst eyes, and his twitching, dimpled, ever present grin. For a
few minutes, Heero was able to forget about the war, forget about
missions, forget that their lives were bound to be short, and
especially forget that this relationship with Duo was the worst and
best thing that had ever happened to him.

"And then I put the dolphin in a dress and slipped it into bed with
Quatre," Duo was saying angrily. "He didn't notice, thought it was
Trowa, and made passionate love to it- and you're not listening at
all are you, Baby?"

Heero blinked. "Hn."

"No," Duo translated and then sighed as he looked intently down the
beach. Heero followed his gaze automatically, making sure Duo hadn't
actually seen anything or anyone before he turned his attention on
the pilot of Deathscythe again.

Heero didn't apologize. He wasn't sorry. He was still too new to
feelings and their budding relationship to understand that saying
such things, whether they were true or not, was required.

"If what I'm saying is boring you, Baby, just say so, 'k?" Duo told
Heero with an edge in his voice.

"Understood," Heero replied, taking the suggestion seriously.

Duo stared and then sighed again. Heero was getting used to hearing
that sound. "Why are you with me?" Duo asked suddenly.

"Because you suggested that, since our safe house was situated near
this beach, we should take advantage of it," Heero rattled off, "But
I analyzed your request and came to the conclusion that you wished to
spend time in my presence away from the others. That was also my
wish."

"You put it so romantically," Duo replied sourly. He brushed his
long bangs out of his eyes with a masculine rake of his fingers that
managed to convey his inner turmoil. "I meant, why do you even want a
relationship with me? Doesn't that go against your training?"

That stung. Heero was surprised to feel his heart clench. Is this
why Duo had wanted him out on the beach alone, to tell him... and why
not? What did he have to offer the man next to him? Heero was cold,
silent, unable to express most of the simplest emotions, and
completely devoted to the war.

"It certainly isn't for the sex," Duo added self deprecatingly.

No, it wasn't that, Heero agreed silently. Trying to get past Duo's
inhibitions and fears was like stalking a ferocious tiger. Heero
never knew with Duo whether he would be getting pleasure or stitching
a knife wound. The boy often panicked violently. When Heero did get
pleasure, it was cautious, slow, timid, and restricted to only a few
acts that Duo could tolerate.

"Dr. J approves of our relationship," Heero replied at last.

"He does?" Duo blinked stupidly, mouth a little open.

"He understands that I have physical needs that must be satisfied,"
Heero explained and he hid his blue eyes under the fall of his wild,
dark hair. "He commended my choice. Women are a distraction. Another
Gundam pilot who understands that I will sacrifice everything for the
mission, and who won't stand in the way of that, is a logical choice."

"Logical." Duo's mouth shut and went into a hard line. He reached
out nervously and pushed Heero's hair out of his face. He glared into
Heero's blue eyes, wanting to read the truth there. "Is that all I
am? A logical choice? An L2 whore who'll blow you for free and wave
goodbye cheerily as you self destruct during a mission?"

Heero gently took hold of Duo's hand and pressed it against the side
of his face. Duo' skin smelled like sea salt and his callouses, from
piloting his Gundam, were rough on Heero's skin. "I didn't tell him,"
Heero admitted. "He doesn't need to know."

"Tell him what?" Duo knew, but he wanted to force Heero to say it.
Heero almost never said it.

The soldier part of Heero struggled angrily. It thought of emotions
as a weakness, a liability. Duo was giving him an out, opening the
door and trying to wave Heero through if he wanted to go. When Heero
thought of returning to lonely nights, solo missions, every day
filled with cold, emotionless activities, and imagined Duo returning
to being just another pilot, a pawn in the endless war that Heero
moved from mission to mission on his mental chess board...Heero began
to think of another use for his gun besides killing enemies. He
swallowed hard. Duo had cracked his shell. He couldn't go back to
what he had been.

"If he knew that I loved you," Heero said steadily, "he might order
me to-"

"To hurt me? Kill me? I'm a pilot, Heero. I'm not disposable."

"No, not any of that," Heero whispered. "He might call me back to be
retrained."

Retrained. Heero shivered, remembering how they had taken him as a
little boy and broken him into a thousand pieces until he was
nothing; clay for their hands, clay to mold into the perfect,
emotionless, soldier. They could do it again. They could make him
forget that he had ever loved Duo. They could stamp out his emotions
again, abuse and torture him until even a careless touch from someone
would make him want to commit murder. Back to square one, the person
Duo had first met when he had saved Relena from being murdered by
Heero.

"Maybe you can't say it to Dr. J, but you can sure as hell say it to
me, Heero." Duo said, cutting into Heero's dark memories. His face
was pale, but his mouth slowly curved up until Heero saw dimples and
a joking, mischievous look in his eyes. "Maybe you need lessons? Come
on, Baby. Repeat after me.... I... Come on, say it....I...,"

Heero's face went tight, but he slowly repeated. "I."

"L."

"L."

"O."

"O."

"V."

"V."

"E."

"E."

"Duo Maxwell."

"Duo Maxwell."

Duo grinned wider. "There, you said it. It was like pulling teeth,
but... well, okay, say it again. Practice makes perfect, ya know."

"You say it first," Heero said uncomfortably.

"Okay, I love Duo Maxwell."

"That's not what I meant."

"I know. I know." Duo paused for effect and then said very
carefully, "I love Heero Yuy."

Heero nodded hard, once and then said, difficult and slow, wading
against a current of negative programming. "I... love... Duo
Maxwell." It actually hurt somewhere inside, Heero thought, and his
hand went involuntarily to his gut as it twisted into a knot.

"We are so pathetic." Duo turned away, all humor gone as he gripped
his knees tight. "You can't express yourself and I can't let you have
me the way I want you to. We are so doomed, Heero, doomed from the
start!"

Nothing slipped past Heero, he was a living computer, forever
analyzing and storing data. "They way you want...Do you want me to
have intercourse with you Duo?"

"That's what you do with a woman," Duo snickered sourly, not looking
at Heero. "I want you to fuck me. That's what guys do. I want all of
you. I want everything that everyone else has; a real sex life to go
along with a real relationship." Duo found a shell in the sand. He
picked the sand off of it meticulously and then chucked it away
sharply. "But I can't, you know that. I freak out." He said tightly,
self deprecatingly. "I was a whore, Heero, you'd think it would be
easy to lay back and lift my legs for you. It isn't. They always hurt
me, every time. It was never easy. I was never not scared shitless. I
used to-to take drugs before they started in on me. It helped,
sometimes."

"Why do you want it then?" Heero was perplexed. "You know it doesn't
matter to me."

"It doesn't?" Duo put a hand to his face and wiped at his eyes. "I
always feel like I'm cheating you. Guys wanna do it, ya know. I do,
even after all I was put through, even though it scares me. Guys are
just wired that way, especially guys our age. Just jerking each other
off, never seems enough. We could do that by ourselves. It isn't..."
Duo struggled, "It doesn't get me close enough to you. Does that make
any sense?"

"I like to be touched...by you," Heero admitted and it was hard to
say that, to reveal that weakness. "It feels good. Dr. J and his
assistants, they never...they just hurt me, forced me, hit me, burned
me, cut me... Your fingers... they don't hurt when they touch me. I
like that. I don't need more."

"I couldn't even do that until you convinced me that you weren't
going to rape me afterwards," Duo remembered painfully. He finally
looked at Heero. "You really don't want to...ya know, do me?"

"No," Heero replied. Heero felt a lack of information. He wanted to
help his lover. He had been trained to judge men, to analyze them and
anticipate their every action. Every good soldier learned about cause
and effect, manipulating the outcome, maneuvering men and men's minds
on and off the battlefield by carefully implemented plans. The
gathering of information was always the first step. Heero knew so
little about Duo's past and he knew so little about what Duo really
wanted. Heero was at a disadvantage if he tried to use his own
emotions to try and help Duo. Heero only knew how to accomplish
missions. It was easier to think of their relationship as one: a
mission with a life and death outcome, he thought grimly. Heero
didn't think he could live if Duo were to leave him now.

"Watcha thinking, Baby?" Duo asked in concern.

"Tell me about L2," Heero asked bluntly and hated how Duo flinched.
"Not about Solo, not about the church.... tell me about being a
whore. Tell me exactly what they did to you, how you lived, even how
much you cost. I need to know Duo. I can't proceed if I don't know.
You understand how I was trained. I think I can help you, if you let
me, if you trust me, Duo."

Duo went very pale. "It's not something a guy likes to talk about,"
he began, "being forced to bend over for other guys and then deciding
to get paid for it."

"Did you really decide when you were that young?"

Duo gave Heero a death's head grin. "That's pretty good, Heero. No,
I guess I didn't decide. They just said, want to eat? Want to go on
living? Want your little pals not to get it? Do it with who we tell
you to and we'll take care of you."

Heero wasn't shocked. He'd seen plenty during the war to give him a
lifetime worth of nightmares. Duo's story was nothing new.

"You want the grimy details too, Baby?" Duo turned bitter all in an
instant and he hid his face against his upraised knees. "I-I didn't
want to tell you about it, ya know. I didn't want you to know how
really filthy I was, how many people I'd spread my legs for. I went
and checked myself out after we got together. I wanted to make
sure...make sure that I didn't have any, you know, diseases I could
give you. I had some, but the doctors took care of them. One of
them....it made me sterile. I didn't even know. I always felt fine."
Duo gave a forced laugh. "Not that I have much of a chance of having
kids with my sexual hangups and my orientation, you know what I mean?
Still, would have been nice to have the option."

"Probably for the best," Heero said, not meaning to be cruel, but
just stating fact. "We've all been through a lot, chemicals,
radiation, mental and physical torture, experiments... I doubt that
any of us escaped without damage. There is a high probability that
none of us can have normal children."

"So, we only have each other," Duo said and raised red, puffy eyes.
He had been crying into his kneecaps. He wiped hastily at his face
and sniffled. "Now you can understand why it's important to me that
we have as much of a relationship as possible. There isn't going to
be the patter of little Duo and Heero feet, ever."

It was a subject Heero had never thought about before. Children. A
home. A lover. Those were things normal people had. Heero, up until
then, had only had the war and the next mission to look forward to.
Heero had thought Duo, though a joking baka at the best of times, had
been pretty much the same way, waiting for the next mission, waiting
for another chance to climb into Deathscythe and take revenge on Oz
soldiers. A love. A home. Children. Duo had aspired to all three. Two
of those dreams had been crushed. Heero determined not to let the
third go under the heel of failure.

"How much did you cost?" Heero asked. He kept his body relaxed,
hands where Duo could see them, face calm and expressionless. He
didn't want Duo to be frightened or to think he, Heero, might be
asking for the wrong reasons.

"Ten credits," Duo replied. "I did it two, three times a night so I
had enough for some discount ration packs, rice, beans, and a bit of
candy if I was feeling selfish. I gave most of the stuff to the other
kids, would probably have given all of it to them, but nobody pays
for a skinny whore. When they yanked me off the street and made me do
it for a pimp, I didn't get any money. They fed me and gave me the
drugs when I asked. That was it. I don't know what happened to the
kids...most died from the plague, I guess, or whored themselves like
me."

"How long did they make you do it?"

"A year, maybe a little more. I don't remember."

"Tell me how they did it," Heero asked and when Duo began to angrily
protest. "I need to know. I can't help you with your fears if I don't
know why you have them."

"'K," Duo gritted his teeth a moment and then he met Heero's eyes
and said steadily and viciously, " When I did it alone, I just stood
near an official building of any sort at quitting time. They always
had the credits and the wife who wasn't giving them any. Most of the
time, they just took me around a corner and opened their pants. Most
of them just liked a blow job by someone with a pretty face. They
could always pretend I was a girl, I guess. When some guys cornered
me one day and raped me, one at a time, I thought I was going to die
for sure. No such luck. They liked me so much they made me their
whore and they sold me. No more blow jobs. I had to spread my legs
and take whatever they wanted to give me. Men beat me, hurt me,
burned me, tied me up, stuck things in me, and nearly split me in two
doing me more times than I want to remember. After they finished,
they just laughed at the mess they made of me, hitched up their
pants, and threw their credits on top of me. My pimps cleaned me up,
stitched me up, and drugged me up, whatever it took to get me ready
for the next guy. I don't know why I didn't die. I really don't. I
was just a child."

"How did you get away from them?"

"I was a screamer," Duo admitted and he looked ashamed on top of his
clear horror at the memory. "They couldn't shut me up. Customers
didn't like that. I kept getting sick too. I got skinny and ugly.
Like I said before, nobody pays for that. When some guy ripped me
inside, they decided that was the end of me, so they dumped me in an
ally and got a new whore. I managed, yet again, to survive. I stole
clothes, stole a name, and just plain stole to survive."

Duo ran his hands over his face as if he longed to claw at his own
skin in anguish. "I can't understand... Why should I be frightened of
you after all of that? Why can't this sick little, coward inside of
me tell the difference from a rutting, pederast pig and the guy I
love more than anything? Maybe I'm just used to a guy pinning me
down, throwing my legs over his shoulders, and jamming it in me.
Maybe I just can't have it any other way. Maybe you should just do
that. I'd get used to it. I might stop being afraid."

"Did they ever kiss you?" Heero asked, ignoring Duo's suggestion
completely and cutting through Duo's anguish like a knife made out of
calm and logic.

"No."

"When they touched you..."

"They grabbed and slapped, mostly. They didn't love me, Heero. They
just wanted to do me."

"Ah," Heero digested the information, ran it through his computer
brain and began to draw up likely plans of attack.

"Mission accepted," Duo said sourly. Heero blinked at him. "You're
up to something."

"Hai," Heero admitted and stood up. He brushed the sand from his
backside. "Nothing can be done here. We should get back."

"You just don't get the whole romance thing, do you Heero?" Duo
lamented as he stood up as well. He sank cold hands into his jacket
pockets. "We were supposed to have some alone time away from the
others, relax, walk the beach, maybe neck a little. Instead, you cut
me open like a slab of raw meat and made me spill out my guts. I'm
kind of mad about that."

"I know," Heero replied, "but you always want quick fixes and this
doesn't have one. If you want to know anything about me, you can ask,
for revenge."

"Okay... Did...," Duo stopped, frowned, and then looked down at his
bare toes in the sand. "I'm not going to do that. You asked me about
my past because you care about me and you want us to be together like
we should be. If I ask about your life now... well, that would be
just hateful, wouldn't it?"

Heero worked through the logic of that. "Hai," he agreed.

Duo found his shoes where he had left them. They marked the place
where they had come down onto the beach. Putting them on after
brushing the sand off of his feet, he followed Heero up the stairs
that led over the top of a stone sea wall. The breeze was blowing
harder now. Sounds were carried away. That made Heero nervous.. His
eyes swept about them as he took the steps double time, not liking to
be that vulnerable.

"Heero!" Duo complained as he was left behind. He had fractured a
leg in one of their missions and it still bothered him.

Heero was at the top of the stairs when Duo called out. He saw the
man pause and then continue on. Duo scowled. Damn, Heero! he thought.
He had turned a perfectly good time on the beach into a soul
wrenching agony and now he had decided to switch back to soldier mode
at the worst possible time.

Duo tried to hurry, but his leg cramped. He bent, rubbed it, and
then forced himself to ignore it as he finished the flight of steps.
At the top landing, he stopped, just as Heero had done, and for the
same reason. There were three jeeps parked in a  group off the side
of the road that snaked along the sea wall and back into the nearby
town. Their Oz occupants were laughing and huddled together, going
over a map as they tried to coordinate some unknown destination.

Heero's actions were perfectly clear now. Duo was always a liability
with his long braid. It was too striking to go unnoticed. If someone
was looking for Gundam pilots, then 02 was the most recognizable one.
Heero had opted to make his getaway to warn the other pilots. Duo
didn't have any doubt that, by the time he reached the safe house,
they would all be gone with their Gundams. If he reached the safe
house... Heero had taken the motorcycle.

Duo didn't blame the man for that. He would have done the same
thing. The Gundams and their mission were more important than one
man, one love. They had both understood that from the beginning.
Instead of being angry or feeling betrayed, Duo was, instead,
relieved. Heero would make sure everything was kept safe and secret.
It was now up to Duo to either get away on his own or stall the Oz
soldiers if they did catch him. He wouldn't betray his friends or the
mission, no matter what happened.

Duo sunk his hands into his jacket pockets, hunched down into his
collar, and tried to inconspicuously walk away. He counted every step
and every heartbeat before a voice called out to him sharply. "Hey,
Girl. Wait!"

Duo scowled. Girl? Duo turned, keeping his stance nonchalant. He
even smiled as if he were pleased to see the men. "Something wrong?"

"Huh, it's a guy!" Another soldier spat aside.

Duo was glad that was obvious even at that distance, even though it
doubled his danger. He still had his masculine pride to think about.

"Get over here!" The first soldier who had spoken snapped.

They were all armed to the teeth. Duo knew he would be full of holes
in less than a second if he tried to run, so, still keeping on his
manic, ear to ear grin, he approached the jeeps.

"What's up?"

"Get in," the soldier ordered. "We need a local to show us around
the area. Don't worry. You'll get paid." There was a stifled snicker
from among the men. That was how the game started, Duo knew, cringing
inwardly while still showing nothing but pleasure on his face. The
wolves wouldn't show their teeth until they had what they wanted from
Duo. He would be safe for awhile, maybe long enough to escape.

"Sure thing," Duo replied and swung into a jeep. He made sure he sat
next to the man with the highest rank. He and that man were going to
be inseparable friends for awhile, Duo thought, grimacing at the
inner knowledge that the others would keep their hands off of him if
they thought he was the ranking man's 'friend or favorite'.

"We're doing reconnaissance," the man explained. "They gave us a
piss poor map to do it with, so we're going to have to rely on you.
What I want to see, is every ravine, valley, and building in and out
of the town where a person could hide a very large... object."

"Object?" Duo repeated as the other soldiers climbed into the jeeps
all around him. They laughed, chattering away, not like soldiers, but
inexperienced boys on an outing. Duo glanced at them out of the
corners of his eyes. His analogy was a good one. They were all young
men, most in their late teens or early twenties. The ranking soldier
next to Duo was only in his thirties. Inexperienced, Duo thought, and
he felt that his chances of escape had just improved.

"I'm your man!" Duo beamed, trying to look foolish and disarming.
"Dave's the name! What's yours?"

"Poltrane. Captain Poltrane." The man had dark hair and his eyes
were as cold as Heero's. Unlike Heero, he was big boned and very
muscular. Duo felt as small as a boy next to him and it made him
inwardly shiver.

"Well, I know the entire area like the back of my hand, Captain!"

The man looked down at him coldly and his mouth, which had a
definite scar along the outside of one lip, sneered. "You had better."

What to do? What to do? Duo kept repeating it like a mantra over and
over as he went through the day bouncing over rough terrain in the
jeep. He and Heero had gone to the beach early that morning to avoid
anyone seeing them, at Heero's insistence, so the day was long and
hard. The men stopped several times to eat and drink from thermoses
and containers of coffee or cold drinks.

Duo wasn't offered anything and he didn't ask. He knew they wanted
him to, were waiting the opportunity to show their fangs and rip him
a little.

Duo remained cheerful seeming, smiling inanely and chattering
endlessly inbetween his directions. The Captain only nodded, his lips
set grimly and his eyes on his map. Each time Duo directed them to a
likely spot big enough to hide a Gundam, and found nothing, he marked
the spot on his map with an x and his grim lips turned up in the
smallest of smiles.

What does that mean? Duo wondered each time it happened. What kind
of game was the captain playing? The man looked as if something was
going according to plan even though Duo was making certain to guide
him wide of the real hiding place of the precious Gundams. Not that
it mattered whether he did or not. Heero and the others were long
gone with them. Still, Duo thought, he had to keep his head on the
chopping block and lead the enemy astray just in case something had
delayed their escape.

Mission accepted, Duo thought, just like Heero would say, and Duo
knew that he would die, just like Heero, to accomplish that mission.
The Gundams had to stay safe.

***

Night fell. A dangerous time. Darkness lowered inhibitions and
coaxed the beast in men's breasts to free itself and prowl for prey.
The soldiers were hot, tired and irritable. As the darkness gathered
close, the heat was replaced by a chill. Duo was still in his jacket
and too tight shorts, the ones he had worn especially for Heero. The
men were in uniforms and jackets, boots gleaming and gold braid
glittering as they made a fire and began laying down bedrolls. Duo
fearfully made a mental list of all the things that could happen.
Freezing to death was dead last.

Duo stood away from the men nervously, longing to get near the fire,
but knowing that was expected and anticipated too. He could see the
eyes of the soldier's shift towards him again and again, waiting.
Keeping his eyes on them, Duo forgot about Poltrane until he felt the
man's hands on his braid.

Duo flinched and began to turn. "Don't or I'll shoot you right now,"
Poltrane warned in a level tone full of danger.

"No," Duo whispered, too low for Poltrane to hear. He gritted his
teeth hard and made his eyes go blank. They wouldn't see him crawl,
Duo promised. He wasn't a six year old whore from L2 anymore, to
cower and spread his legs in fear. He braced himself for a fight.

Duo felt Poltrane's hands unweave his hair. "So unusual," the man
was saying. "You're a fool for not cutting it. It's like a red banner
in a sea of white. Did you really think we wouldn't remember it and
know who you were because of it?"

"Worth a try," Duo replied shortly and then grinned at the soldiers
who were straightening and gathering close together: the pack waiting
for their leader's orders. "Oz  soldiers aren't very bright," Duo
added maliciously.

Poltrane took a hunk of Duo's hair in each hand and yanked sharply,
snapping Duo's head back. Duo stumbled, regained his footing, and
stiffened against those hands. "Filthy terrorist!" Poltrane swore.
"The only things I want to hear from your lips are the answers to my
questions."

Duo kept silent, hating those hands on his precious hair, ready to
explode into violence and take revenge for its treatment at a
moment's notice.

"Think you're brave, don't you?" Poltrane purred in Duo's ear. "I
know you think nothing will make you talk, betray your comrades.
Well, you've already betrayed them."

Duo frowned, but he knew all the tricks. He didn't react in any
way... until Poltrane pushed the map in front of his face. It was
full of x's. Duo had kept them very busy all day. Duo stared,
wondering what the man was up to, wondering in growing alarm, if he
had let something slip accidentally.

"Nice pattern," Poltrane commented at last, prompting Duo's mind. It
was then that Duo saw it. He had concentrated so well on taking them
places that the Gundams weren't that he had inadvertently narrowed
down the location of where they were!

Duo swallowed hard. He looked away from the map and set his chin. It
was still a large area. It would still take them time to pinpoint the
exact location. He had to hold out no matter what they did to him. He
had to buy the pilots as much time as possible.

"Take your finger and place it on the map," Poltrane told Duo and
his voice had become as deadly as the sound of a rattlesnake ready to
strike. "Such a simple thing to do. Point out the location. We'll let
you go then, after we capture the Gundams. Without them, you aren't
any danger to Oz. You're just a boy again, a little tight assed fag
boy who avoided some ugliness by a small motion of one finger."

Duo grinned, manic and determined. "Go to hell!"

Poltrane lowered the map and his hands came back to Duo's hair.
"You're going to be the one in Hell, stinking murderer."

Duo's grin became even more manic. "What are you going to do, man?
Rape me? I'm a whore from L2. I took more than all of you on a bad
day!" Brave words, steady and full of laughter. Inside Duo was dying,
cowering, folding up mentally and beginning to shut down to avoid the
coming cruelty. None of it showed on his face, his mask of the fun
loving baka, firmly in place.

Duo felt Poltrane shift. He had motioned to one of them men. That
man stepped forward licking lips in anticipation. He reached out and
unbuttoned the front of Duo's pants. With one motion, he yanked them
to Duo's knees. Mockingly, he surveyed Duo's privates, and then
laughed.

"Seems Gundam pilots don't have much."

"Raping you wouldn't get results." Poltrane said in Duo's ear. He
was wrapping Duo's hair around and around his hands, making them like
reins. "It supposed to be humiliating and painful, but I think you're
used to it, whether you're really a whore or not. I have other plans
for you."

Duo couldn't stop the slow release of breath even though he knew
torture could be just as bad as rape. On L2, he had suffered with
customers who had liked hurting him while they did him. Duo knew how
much he could survive, but he wondered how much mind he would have
left afterwards. Already he could feel himself beginning to shake.
The threat to his hair, implicit in the man's tightened fists, and
his lowered shorts, was enough to send Duo nearly over the edge.

The soldier who had lowered Duo's shorts now ran both hands up under
Duo's jacket. He pinched Duo's nipples roughly, leering at Duo all
the while, and then suddenly jerked his hands back, ripping Duo's
jacket half off of him violently. Only the hands in Duo's hair kept
him from following his jacket. The sting of Duo's scalp, the feel of
hairs pulling out, maddened him further.

"Looks like someone messed you up good already," the soldier
commented, his fingers touching ragged scars, the ones that had been
caused by being tangled in barbed wire and forcefully removed during
one mission. Along with burns from Gundam accidents, scars from other
major scrapes, and even a cigarette burn here and there from old
customers, Duo's slim, wiry body was a road map of his violent past.
The soldier was impressed despite himself as he fingered Duo's gold
cross briefly and then let it drop.

"He's used to rough treatment," Poltrane surmised. "We'll have to be
inventive. Heat up a knife." The soldier nodded and went to crouch by
the fire. He took out a long dagger and placed it in the flames.

The other men were intent on the proceedings, laughing at Duo,
making crude comments and suggestions about what to do with the
knife. The soldier heating it up laughed in return, making a few
comments of his own.

Not good. Not good at all! Duo moaned inwardly. Maybe he couldn't
have children, but he was still attached to the bits of himself below
his navel. He did not want to lose any of them!

The map was put before Duo's face again. "Point," Poltrane ordered.
"last chance."

"Fuck you!" Duo spat.

The map lowered and Poltrane said, low enough for only Duo to hear.
"Not me, but I might be tempted to have you later, if you survive the
torture. You are quite... charming, little, terrorist boy." Duo felt
a large, calloused finger slip between his ass cheeks and gently
circle the outer skin of his anus. It made a definite poke and then
withdrew. "Later," Poltrane promised.

Duo drove his fingernails into his hands until they bled. He
couldn't stop himself from shaking. Poltrane knew now that he had hit
a nerve, that Duo was afraid of rape. The man chuckled and then
called to his men. Time for the torture to begin.

***

The inside's of Duo's legs were a white hot agony. He curled where
they dropped him, sobbing and cursing them as he hid the shame of his
tears in the crook of one arm. His hair was a tangled bunch of knots,
They had held him by it. A man on each side of him holding fist fulls
of his hair while two more kept his legs apart for the torture. With
his hands bound before him, Duo hadn't been able to do anything but
thrash and suffer as they had taken the knife and burnt him again and
again.

Poltrane put a stop to it, finally. "He won't crack. I can't believe
he's so young and yet so strong! God, I wish he were on our side!"
When a soldier argued, Poltrane cut him off. "We can't waste any more
time on this. We'll set up recon flights and ground searches at
morning light. We should be able to cover this area quickly, maybe
quick enough to catch the Gundams before they can be moved out of the
area. See to it at once."

Poltrane crouched by Duo, anger and frustration on his face. "You
made me look bad, terrorist. I had a good plan and you shredded it
with your damned stubbornness. You're going to pay for that."

Poltrane grabbed Duo by the hair, dragging him away from the others
and into the forest. The soldiers laughed, knowing what was in store
for Duo.

Duo cried out, struggling to get up as he felt more of his hair
tearing, but his shorts were still trapping his knees together and
Poltrane didn't give him the chance to do anything about it. The man
turned and threw himself on top of Duo, pinning him roughly to the
ground like a pro wrestler. Duo found himself looking at Poltrane's
lust filled face. The man sneered at him, reached down to undo his
pants, and then shifted Duo's legs to give himself access.

Duo was still a screamer. He filled his lungs with air and shrieked
in terror and panic, just as he had when he was six. That startled
Poltrane. Duo hadn't made a sound like that even through all of his
torture. On L2, Duo had been alone, a defenseless, nameless child
abused beyond belief. Back then, he had shrieked to nobody, only
trying to give shape to his inner torment. Now, his shriek formed a
name, the name of his friend, the name of his love, "Heero!"

"Omae o korosu!" a voice as chill as the arctic wind said and
suddenly black blood splattered all over Duo. Poltrane was lifted off
of him, Duo getting a panic distorted vision of the man's slit
throat, before he was gone in a sprawl of limp limbs and sagging head.

Duo was grabbed up and slung into a fireman's carry by steel arms.
Crushed against rock hard shoulders, Duo recognized his rescuer's
scent, his own spicy herbal shampoo. Duo laughed even through his
tears and his trauma. Heero! It was Heero who was carrying him,
running through the forest on piston like legs as if Duo weighed
lighter than a feather.

"Baby," Duo breathed and passed out just as he heard the strained
reply.

"Little Baka!"

***

When Duo woke, he found himself in a strange safe house and in a
comfortable bed. When Trowa came with the medical kit, he refused to
be touched. He remembered screaming at Trowa until the man had
silently nodded and left Duo the kit to tend himself. Trowa
understood. He had been through the same thing himself.

The burn marks were ugly, the new scars in his Duo's mind were
uglier. He shuddered uncontrollably as he salved and bandaged the
livid burns between his legs. At least they had stopped short of
burning his genitals. Being men, it had probably been too much to
stomach even by their sadistic standards. Still, they hadn't been
gentle, scorching the tender skin alongside and front and back of
them.

"I watched them do it."

Duo started and cringed back against his pillows. "Go away!" he
utomatically  demanded before he even realized it was Heero.

Heero was standing just inside the doorway, face unreadable, hands
clenched at his sides. "We moved the Gundams and the safe house.
We're miles away to the East of our last position, deep in the
mountain range. I returned as soon as that was completed."

Was he looking for blame, for hatred? Duo didn't think so. Heero had
acted according to his training, a training that had etched itself
into his very bones. Gundams first. Mission first. Lover last. He
expected Duo to understand that and accept it without question. Duo
did. He wasn't blaming Heero. Duo had just run out of luck at the
wrong time.

"You didn't break," Heero sounded proud of Duo.

Duo remembered crying, making pitiful noises of pain, thrashing and 
trying desperately to avoid the next burn. Heero had seen all of
that... He had even seen that stinking Captain try and rape him. Duo
swallowed hard and looked anywhere but at Heero. "I guess I didn't
want to get shot," he said jokingly, but it came out sick and flat.

"I gave you every chance to get through it." Heero assured him. "I
hoped to rescue you, but you know that I was prepared to kill you if
you began to talk."

Duo nodded. "I would have pulled the trigger myself."

Heero began to take a step into the room, but Duo flinched, and
Heero held himself still.

"We have a new mission," Heero said slowly. "I'll need you to take
Deathscythe into the thick of battle and draw enemy fire while the
rest of us destroy the base. It isn't a suicide mission, just
dangerous. If my plan goes well, we'll all get out safely."

"Okay." Duo said without hesitation. "I'm up to it. At least in
Deathscythe I can sit down."

Heero stared, his intense blue eyes almost glowing under his ragged
bangs. "You trust me?"

"Of course. I always have." Duo replied, surprised by the question.

"How can you trust me to send you into a potentially deadly
situation and then not trust me, here and now, to come close to you?"

Duo stared. "You made all of that up, about the mission?" Heero
nodded. "I-I guess...," Duo tried to analyze his own fear. "It's out
of my control. It's like a reflex. Poltrane just reinforced it. I
don't think it has anything to do with you Heero. I'm sorry. I-I love
you, I just don't want anyone near me right now."

Heero digested that information. He nodded, once, and then left
without another word. So ends the relationship, Duo thought, and
curled up in a tight ball of misery.

***

Duo healed outwardly, but inwardly he remained a raw, open wound. He
avoided the other pilots, and anyone else for that matter. He kept to
his room and left it only to eat or work on his Gundam. Quatre tried
to speak to him on several occasions, but even the blonde Arabian's
presence was too much for Duo's strained senses.

Duo saw nothing of Heero during that time. Heero gave him his space,
waiting for the right moment when Duo would grow tired of being
afraid and lower his defenses, even if slightly. That moment came
when Duo saw Quatre in the kitchen and managed a wan smile and a good
morning before grabbing some food and returning back to his room.
Heero must have seen it. His knock on the door of Duo's room came not
long afterwards.

Duo didn't let Heero in. The man just opened the door and entered,
balancing a covered tray on one arm. He closed the door behind him
and locked it, before facing Duo. Duo was sitting on his bed, reading
a manga, hand in a bag of potato chips and a sandwich balanced on one
knee. Duo was looking at Heero as if a tiger had just entered his
room, bent on making him its next meal. Still, Duo had the presence
of mind to warn Heero.

"I don't know what you think you're doing, man, but don't come any
closer," Duo's hand left the potato chips and snaked under his pillow
to where he kept his knife. It wasn't an empty threat and Heero knew
it, knew how serious Duo's fear really was.

"I just brought you something to eat," Heero explained. He twitched
the cloth aside and revealed numerous small bowls on the tray, a bowl
of cherries, and some pie on a plate with way too much whipped cream,
just the way Duo liked it.

"I won't touch you unless you want me to, Little Baka, you know
that," Heero said as he stepped cautiously towards the bed. "I've
never touched you unless you wanted me to. We've had sex. We've slept
together in the same bed. I want you to recall all of that Duo and
think about it as clearly as you can while I sit on the edge of the
bed."

Duo did think about it. It preoccupied his fear long enough for
Heero to accomplish his goal. Heero sat slowly, gingerly, on the edge
of the bed with the tray between them.

"Leave the food and go away," Duo said through gritted teeth, his
hand tensing on his knife handle as he stifled a violent urge to
escape out of the window. "I didn't need it. You didn't need to bring
it. I was already down in the kitchen earlier."

"I want to know one thing," Heero said grimly, "before I do as you
say."

"'K," Duo replied cautiously. "What is it? Do you want to know if
our relationship is over? It's pretty obvious isn't it, Baby? I can't
even let you touch me now!"

Heero didn't flinch. He had faced his own death with open eyes many
times. Facing the violet eyes of the man he loved was easier. "Look
at me," Heero demanded softly. "Look me in the face, in the eyes....
You trust this face, my face. I tell you to get in your Gundam and
follow my battle plans. I tell you to infiltrate installations and
blow up factories. You said that you always trusted me, trusted my
plans and my orders. Trust me now. This is a mission, Duo. Follow my
orders."

Duo stared, something inside of him taking up the challenge. A
mission. Yes, if he thought of it that way...of him that way. Not as
a man before him capable of complete mayhem, but as Heero Yuy, his
partner, his trusted partner...

"What's the mission?" Duo wondered.

"Close your eyes," Heero instructed matter-of-factly. "Your mission
is to open your mouth and allow me to feed you."

"What?" Duo was confused.

"Don't think," Heero told him. "You're on a mission. Life and death.
Follow my orders or omae o korosu!" Heero said it as if he meant it,
blue eyes fierce.

A mission. Life and death. Duo shivered and closed his eyes.

"Open your mouth."

That was harder. "I can't-," Duo began to say as he opened his eyes
again.

"I thought I could count on you!" Heero barked and Duo flinched.
"Are you some little girl that you're afraid to complete a mission?"

Duo stiffened. He glared. "Don't say that to me ever again! When
have I ever-"

"You're doing it now!" Heero cut him off savagely. "If you can't
follow orders, I'll have to find someone else to pilot Deathscythe."

Duo went white with rage. He pulled the knife out. "Over my dead
body!"

"Then follow orders and I won't have to. Close your eyes and open
your mouth, pilot!"

Duo kept his hand clutched to his knife handle for security. "No."

"You've trusted me with your life, again and again," Heero said in
exasperation. "I've trusted you to carry out the missions I give you.
You can't throw all of that trust away because a man tries to rape
you! I was taught, in my training, to endure it, to realize that
reacting, letting that brutal act break me was unacceptable. It's
torture, pure and simple, and both of us know how to endure torture
without breaking. You aren't six years old Duo, you can't curl up and
die as if you were. You don't have the luxury. People count on you;
the colonies, the other pilots, and me. I," Heero groped for the
words, trying hard to express what he had been taught never to
express. "I can't function if you turn away from me, Little Baka. Do
you understand? I can't operate without you by my side."

Duo frowned. "Okaaay, you love me, right? Is that what you're trying
to say without saying it?"

Heero's eyes were very intense. He nodded once, hard. "Hai."

"I hate this," Duo half sobbed, covering his face with his free
hand. "I love you too. I don't want to be a coward. I don't want this
fear eating me up inside any more."

"You know I can't cure it," Heero admitted. "I can only reduce it,
stop it from crippling you, stop it from coming between us."

"I want that," Duo replied, lowering his hand and clutching his
knife now with both hands. "When I'm afraid, it's like I'm letting
all those guys rape me again. I feel like I'm letting them win."

"Do as I say, and they won't."

"Tell me what you're going to do," Duo asked. "What makes you such
an expert?"

"Dr. J taught me everything there is to know about manipulating the
mind," Heero replied as he fussed with the small bowls, putting them
in some sort of order. They all had little lids and Duo could only
see the cherries and the desert. "It was so I could predict the
movements of my enemies and guide them into doing what I wished. It
was also for enduring pain and torture. It's not a hard thing to
learn Duo, the control of your own mind. It's conditioning, repeated
stimuli that teaches the brain to react on cue. You've been taught to
be afraid of being touched because of your past. We have to break
down that conditioning."

"So, months from now, I might let you touch my hand again?"

"No," Heero replied with a grim smile. "The mind is basically a set
of switches turning on and off to outside stimuli. I simply have to
get it to turn off the switch that makes you react to intimacy with
me with fear. It's easier than you imagine."

"'K, Dr. Heero Yuy," Duo said tightly, not liking any thought of
someone messing with his mind, even Heero, and not believing that it
was going to work. "Try not to get gutted when I go for you with my
knife." It wasn't a joke and Heero knew it.

"Close your eyes and open your mouth, pilot," Heero ordered once more.

It was better now, with his knife ready, Duo thought as he closed
his eyes, but it was still hard to open his mouth. Just a mission.
Follow your damn orders! Duo told himself sternly. Slowly, his lips
parted. Heero didn't make him wait. A cut up strawberry was inserted
and placed on Duo's tongue.

Duo found himself grinning at once as he relished the taste, chewed
the juicy fruit, and swallowed its sweetness. That was easy enough.
Duo sneaked a peek at Heero to reassure himself and then closed his
eyes and waited again. The man was watching him with a flat
expression. That was actually reassuring. Heero was in control of
himself and his emotions. He was going to teach Duo to do the same.

"Again," Heero ordered.

It wasn't so hard this time. Duo opened his mouth and a sliced
banana was put inside of it. It had something on it too. Duo swirled
his tongue. Honey, sticky sweet.

"Hmm," Duo said appreciatively. "I'll have to remember that next
time I have bananas."

"Good?"

"Yes."

Duo opened his mouth again. Heero inserted a piece of tofu soaked in
teriyaki sauce. Duo made a face. "Ugh! I hate teriyaki and tofu."

"It is a good source of energy for the body," Heero explained.

"So is my ham sandwich," Duo protested. Why don't you feed me that?"

"Hm, mayonnaise, mustard, three cheeses, smoked bacon and sliced
ham, why did you bother putting lettuce on such a deadly combination?"

"Aww, Heero!" Duo grinned. "It's got vitamins!"

"You'll be very healthy as you have a heart attack," Heero muttered.
"Open your mouth."

Duo complied, not afraid at all now. He moaned appreciatively when
Heero stuck a finger full of cream and a cherry into Duo's mouth.
Heero held onto the cherry stem and Duo pulled back a little, keeping
the fruit in his teeth as he pulled it off of the stem. He licked his
lips and savored the juicy, sweet combination.

"How is that any good?" Duo wondered mockingly.

"Oh, it was...for me."

A joke? Duo cracked open an eye. Heero was still as impassive as
ever but his skin had a definite flush. How did he, Duo, feel about
that? Threatened? No. Afraid? No. He stared at that flush. At that
face. At those eyes. Heero. He hadn't moved; wouldn't move unless Duo
gave his permission. Duo had unshakeable faith in that, Poltrane had
just made him forget it for awhile.

Duo closed his eyes without being told and opened his mouth. He
wasn't prepared for a small rice ball dipped in hot sauce. He
spluttered, hands going to his outraged mouth.

"Don't open your eyes!" Heero commanded. "Open your mouth, Duo!"

Duo was caught by the command. He opened his mouth and held still
while something else was placed in it, something sweet and cool,
iced, fruity, a balm on outraged tissues. Duo sucked on the freezing
liquid, swirled it around his burning mouth and then swallowed as he
sighed in relief. Then he opened his eyes, scowling at Heero. "What
the hell was that?"

Heero was smiling grimly, eyes alight with as much happiness as he
was able to show. "You trusted me, Duo. I hurt you, but you trusted
me to make it better."

Duo was shocked at himself. It was true. Instead of slashing at
Heero with his knife, running, or trying to hide under the bed, he
had stayed still, trusting Heero, knowing he would help him, make the
wrong right. The knife dropped from Duo's hands. Heero slowly reached
out and took it. He leaned over the tray, came in touching distance
of Duo, and slipped it back under Duo's pillow. Duo didn't need it
any more.

"Now you know, consciously, what your mind knows subconsciously,"
Heero explained. "That's half the battle."

"What's the other half?" Duo wondered with trepidation.

"Facing your fears."

Duo was already shaking his head. "No!" it was almost a cry. He
crouched, huddling, wishing he could pull his knees in close. The
burns hurt too much. He had to keep his legs wide and that made him
feel vulnerable. "I won't let you fuck me, Heero, not ever. I can't,
especially not now, not after that pig put his hands on me!"

Heero picked up something from underneath the cloth. It was a small
tube. "Do you know what this is?"

"No."

"I didn't either," Heero replied. "No one's ever used it on me. They
wanted it to be as painful as possible."

"What is it?" Duo wondered, fear growing, not liking where this was
going at all.

"It's a lubricant. People use it to make sex easier."

"Oh... well, you're not using that on me so you can fuck me without
me screaming. I'll scream anyway. I always do." Duo wondered how many
of his customers, or even his pimps, had known about that substance
and hadn't cared about an abused boy enough to use it.

"It's for me," Heero replied quietly.

Duo stared. "What? Why?"

Heero turned the tube over and over in his hands, staring down at it
thoughtfully. "Why do you have to be on the bottom?"

"I-I just never thought of you as the type, Heero," Duo stammered.
"You're so... I don't know, so masculine, ya know?"

"So are you."

"Hmm, thanks, I guess." Duo watched that handsome face of Heero's,
looking for.... something, hesitation, maybe, or shadows of his own
terrible past. Nothing. Duo didn't see anything but quiet acceptance.
Heero trusted him, trusted Duo to treat him right. He wasn't afraid.

"You wanted to do this," Heero reminded Duo. "Remember... on the
beach? You told me it was important for you to feel closer to me and
for us not to deny ourselves this aspect of our relationship. I still
don't understand, but, it's important to you Duo, so, I'm willing...
if you still want to." When Duo shivered he added. "I won't let you
hurt me."

Duo smiled shakily. "I don't know if I can."

"We'll start slow. Will you close your eyes again, Duo?" Heero asked.

"More games?"

"Just one more."

I can't do this, Duo thought as he closed his eyes, even though the
positions will be reversed. I'm still too frightened. How am I going
to tell him?

"All right," Heero said at last, "Open your eyes."

Duo opened his eyes. The first thing he noticed was that Heero was
naked and that the tray was gone. Duo began to recoil, his heart
hammering, but then.... he froze and gaped. Heero's straining
erection, up and flying like a banner, was covered in whipped cream.
On top was a cherry, stem tilted cheerfully.

Duo choked and then he laughed. Heero smirked. Duo kept laughing.
Suddenly, he wasn't afraid at all. It was a joke, a big joke, and
Heero was the punch line. "I'll," Duo wiped at his streaming eyes,
"I'll have to clean that off for you."

"I was hoping you would."

Heero leaned back, his large hands propping him up on the mattress.
He had purposely taken those hands out of the equation. Duo didn't
need to be afraid of being grabbed. Duo, though, wasn't afraid at
all. It was just too funny, the Perfect Soldier covered in whipped
cream, waiting for Duo's attentions like something out of a wet
dream. How could anyone be afraid of that?

Duo leaned forward, careful as a nervous cat. He took off the cherry
first. The bottom of it was coated in precum, the top dotted with
some of the cream. It began to drool a little. Without thinking, Duo
flicked out his tongue and licked the underside of the cherry while
he held it up by the stem. Salty sweetness hit his taste buds. Heero
and whipped cream.

Heero groaned. Duo looked up, startled, and saw the man flushed red,
staring with wide blue eyes at Duo. It was lust, something Duo had
always feared, but this was different. It was wrapped up in love,
Heero's love for him. Duo could see it shining from the man's eyes
even as the man panted through parted lips in desire.

Duo teasingly licked the cherry again, wrapping it in his tongue and
bringing it into his mouth. He sucked on it, forcing another moan
from Heero, and then sucked the cherry off of the stem. Breaking the
fruit in his mouth, Duo boldly leaned forward and caught Heero's open
mouth with his. He transferred the juice along with his tongue and
they kissed deeply.

Duo wasn't afraid. Heero's hands were still safely out of the way.
The man was still leaning back, off balance and vulnerable. He didn't
return the force of the kiss, Heero played completely passive
instead, taking whatever Duo wished to give. Yes, Duo thought
joyfully. I'm in control. I can do anything and he'll let me. The
power of that realization was dizzying.

Duo broke the kiss. He wasn't a child, he reasoned with himself. He
was only a little shorter and slighter than Heero, but they were
almost a match. Sometimes, he could even beat the man when they
practiced hand to hand combat. Equals, Duo thought, not whore and
customer, not pimp and plaything, not prisoner and torturer. They
were lovers. Equals. His mind took in that realization, made it a
part of him, and the switch that fed his fear, suddenly turned off.

Duo broke the kiss. Bending down, he took cream and cock into his
mouth in one deep downstroke. Heero shuddered and cried out. Duo
swallowed the cream, swirled his tongue around Heero's cock head, and
then pulled and sucked hard with his lips as he began to move up and
down Heero's hot, swollen flesh. Heero groaned, moaned, tensed, and
twitched under the assault. When Duo lapped and sucked at the cream
in Heero's slit, treating it rough with his scratchy tongue, Heero
exploded into orgasm. Duo released Heero's cock from his mouth then
and pumped it with his hand instead. Still bent over, cum spurted
onto Duo's face.

Duo wiped at the cum with his hands, laughing softly. He licked some
of his fingers as Heero collapsed onto his back, spent and panting.
Heero saw what Duo was doing and his lust, love, and passion
transformed his usually cold, blank face, into a beautiful, live
thing. Duo marveled at it, as if he had suddenly seen a statue come
to life. This was so different, he thought.

Rape in a whore house, and elsewhere, and this loving thing they had
just done, were as different as swimming and running. Comparing the
two was sacrilege. Duo picked up the tube of lube. He looked at it
for a long moment and then made up his mind. He took off the cap and
squeezed some out onto his hand. It was clear, jelly like, and didn't
have any smell. He rubbed it between his fingers, flesh sliding
across flesh easily. Duo wanted to cry for all the ripping, burning
sex he had been subjected to without benefit of this small tube.

"Duo?" Heero said gently.

Duo came back to the here and now and met Heero's intense,
passionate gaze. Duo showed Heero his handful of lube. "'K, Heero,
what do I do with this?"

"Put it on you," Heero instructed calmly. "And...inside me."

"How...oh, with my fingers, I guess?"

"Yes. You have to get the lube in and massage there, with your
fingers inside of me, until I loosen up."

Duo nodded and inched towards Heero. Heero stayed stretched out,
languid after his orgasm. He shifted his knees upwards though and
gave Duo access. So vulnerable and trusting, Duo marveled. He would
never have suspected, in a million years, that Heero Yuy would be
allow himself to be a bottom, to be submissive, to allow another man
to do as he liked to him. But, he had in the past , Duo thought
grimly, just as he, Duo had done. Their childhoods had been full of
submission.

"I-I promise... I won't hurt you, Heero," Duo said determinedly.
"Tell me... Tell me, 'K, if you feel any... uh, tearing."

Heero only nodded and stared up at the ceiling as Duo spread the
lube over his own cock. It made him hard. It made him drip in
anticipation. That surprised Duo at first and then it didn't. He had
always wanted Heero. It had always been his fear that had kept him
from doing anything about it.

"Here goes, Baby," Duo said tensely and took his lube covered
fingers to Heero's anus. He coated the outside first, feeling a
thrill of erotic sensation that he was touching this most private
part of Heero. At last, bracing himself as if it might hurt him too,
Duo began pushing in a finger. Heero tensed and then forced himself
to relax at the intrusion. Duo watched his face, knowing that Heero
might hurt and not tell him.

Two fingers. Duo slowly probed and Heero's muscles slowly loosened.

Duo marveled at how elastic Heero was becoming. Was it time? Heero
was panting again, his face tight with pleasure. A little moan kept
escaping from him.

"Duo!" Heero finally begged.

Time, Duo thought, and almost lost his erection as he came up on his
knees facing Heero. Heero lifted his legs and hooked his hands under
his knees. His erection was as hard as a rock along his belly. How
can he be excited, Duo wondered. Wasn't he afraid at all? Then Heero
looked down the length of his body and Duo saw the love in the depth
of his blue eyes. He wanted Duo as much as Duo wanted him. He wanted
this joining, this passion, consummated.

Duo positioned himself, felt his erection grow very hard, and then
pushed into Heero. He went slowly and carefully, working into Heero
with infinite care. Heero moaned, winced once as Duo breached the
ring of muscles, and then drew in a sharp breath as Duo seated
himself all the way to his testicles. They rested there, locked
together, and then Heero's legs were coming up to rest on Duo's
shoulders.

Duo had tears in his eyes. He kissed Heero's flushed face. "Please,
tell me it's all right," Duo begged. "Tell me I'm not hurting you.
Tell me you aren't afraid."

"Aishite iru, Duo. Love you. Want you. You were right. This is
right. Make me yours. I want to be all yours, Duo. Take me." Heero
spoke those words rough and sharp, almost like curses, but he meant
every one. Duo only had to watch his eyes and see his true feelings
as he said them.

"You're mine!" Duo said forcefully, wanting that as much as Heero.
He bent down, grabbed Heero's lips with his and suddenly began
thrusting in and out of the man. They were young, full of adrenalin,
full of pent up passion and lust. Fear was gone. The past was blown
away to far distant parts of their minds. There was only each other
and the burning, gut wrenching need to come, to possess, to mate.

Duo came with a cry, spasming on top of Heero, holding him, kissing
him deeply, and looking hard into his face, beginning to come back to
himself enough to wonder if he had hurt Heero. "Heero, Baby. Are you
all right?"

Heero nodded, but his teeth gritted as Duo pulled out of him.
"Didn't hurt that much, not as much as when-" He cut that off. Those
memories didn't have any place there. Instead, he finished, "I didn't
understand why you wanted that Duo, now I do. I feel closer to you,
like I'm inside a wall somehow, a wall you've had between us."

"Same here," Duo panted. He rolled off of Heero and grimaced when he
saw a little blood on him. "I'm sorry, Heero. I guess I lost it. I
wanted you so bad just then."

"I wanted you too," Heero replied sharply. "Don't blame yourself,
Duo. It felt good, your cock pounding inside me. The pain ended soon
after we started."

Duo found himself smiling. "Heero Yuy saying 'cock'. Gets me all
horny again." He touched Heero's body, ran his hand along it's tight
muscles, whorled a finger around the hard nub of a nipple. "I was
terrified of you earlier. How can it all change so quickly?"

"It didn't change," Heero said as he gathered Duo against him with a
strong arm. Duo pillowed his head on Heero's chest and he relaxed
into the man's embrace. "You trusted me. You loved me. You wanted me.
You knew that I felt all of those things for you too. We just had to
get rid of the fear that was hiding that knowledge from you."

Duo blinked. "When did you get so wise?"

Heero flushed. "I received my information from Quatre."

"That little hentai and his space heart!" Duo exclaimed  with
respect. "I'll have to thank him."

"Later," Heero said simply. He gave Duo a needy look and directed
Duo's gaze down his body to the straining, swollen flesh bellow his
navel.

"Much later," Duo agreed with a sensual smile. "Now, where's that
whip cream?"

***Owari***

Duo: Where are you going?
Kracken: Uhmmm.... Cold shower. Must take very cold shower!

Go to Part 6: Respecting Duo
==========================================

Shinigami's Lover Arc 1: Part 6
Part 6: Respecting Duo
by Kracken (signs@screaminet.com)

Disclaimer: Yadda, Yadda, Yadda... I wish I could sell this, but I
don't own it, so I can't. Don't sue me you big meanies!

Warning: Yaoi, male with male sex. Hugging and cuddling of males
with males. Males having a good time and hanging out with other
males. Hmm, dark clouds of angst and violence. The usual.

No, you don't have to read the others to know what's going on. It's
just love, ya know?

Kracken: Hey! Review me! I wanna know what you think!
Duo: You just want them to stroke your ego, you pervert!
Kracken: *Grins* well, that too. It's the only payment I get!

Visit my ML at http://groups.yahoo.com/group/krackenml/
Updates at http://groups.yahoo.com/group/KrackenficsML
Published works at Amazon.com under Della Boynton
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/1589090691

==========================================

"You want to what, Heero?" Quatre paused with a frying pan in one
hand and a spatula in the other. The blonde Arabian was making
breakfast, looking tired and impatient with the pilot of Wing.

"Take breakfast up to Duo," Heero replied uncomfortably. He was
dressed in a loose t-shirt and a pair of drawstring shorts, feet bare
on the cold hardwood floors. His dark, unruly hair was a wild tangle
over his intense eyes.

"All right," Quatre muttered. "Duo likes extra butter on his griddle
cakes. Don't give him too much syrup, the boy is hyper enough without
all that sugar. Take him orange juice and make him drink it. Milk
too, every drop. Tell him that I noticed that he ate a whole bag of
potato chips and two candy bars last night instead of his vegetables
at dinner. He has to make up for that today. Also...," Quatre paused
for emphasis as he carefully finished. "Don't take too much up to
him. When he likes something, like griddle cakes, he'll eat them
until he vomits. It's a quirk from when he was on the streets of L2
and was used to starving. He's never overcome the fear that he might
not have any food tomorrow, so he stuffs his face while he has the
food in front of him."

Heero absorbed the information as if he were preparing for a
mission, nodding solemnly at each set of directions. His reply, when
Quatre had stopped talking, was, "He's thin. He needs to eat more."

"More of what's good for him and not all at once," Quatre retorted.
"Dr. G gave me a list of his dietary requirements, tailored to his
particular metabolism." Quatre looked disapproving. "The man knows
Duo has a penchant for not taking care of himself and he wanted to
make certain the pilot of his Gundam remains in 'working order at
optimum capacity', his words, not mine."

Heero nodded. "I was taught my bodily requirements when I first
began training. It is logical to keep the body at the highest level
of efficiency to complete missions successfully."

"Do you talk to Duo that way, too?"

That question caught Heero off guard. Quatre's blue eyes were sad,
sympathetic. "It's okay to want to take breakfast up to him just to
be nice, Heero, not only because of some mission requirement."

Heero went grim, not wanting Quatre to know that he had hit a very
sore spot inside of him. "Duo understands," was all he could find to
say, yet it said everything. The others always saw the fun loving,
irreverent baka, Duo. They didn't know that, under that, he was just
as devoted to the missions as Heero himself.

"I'm glad," Quatre said as he turned back to the stove with pan and
spatula. "I'll make Duo a tray and you can take it up, all right?"

"Acceptable." Heero replied and sat at the kitchen table to wait.

***

"Ummy! Ummy!" Duo mumbled around a griddle cake. "Qtre's t bst!"

"Hn?"

Duo swallowed and smiled. "I said, Quatre's the best! You'd think
with all those servants he wouldn't even know what a kitchen looked
like but he takes to it like a little housewife. It's so funny that
he can blow Oz ass straight to Hell and then complain about laundry
left on the floor and wrinkles in the sheets!" Duo paused
thoughtfully, a forkful of pancake poised on the way to his mouth. "I
never had that before, even in the orphanage. Someone taking care of
me, I mean; seeing I eat, keeping my clothes clean, and worrying
about..."

"What?" Heero was perched on the edge of the bed. He didn't sit
cross legged or in any relaxed position. He was ramrod straight, feet
planted on the floor as if in preparation to spring and do something,
or someone, some damage. He even slept that way sometimes, the ever
vigilant soldier.

"Oh... just me," Duo finished lamely and began eating again.

Heero wanted to say, 'Let me take care of you,' but he couldn't. It
sounded too weak, too needy, and too insulting to Duo. Instead, he
said gruffly, "We're men. We can take care of ourselves. Quatre
should be preparing for missions, not keeping house."

"We're men," Duo corrected and looked sad, "because we never had a
chance to be boys. I know I can take care of myself but it's
just...nice, ya know, having someone else do it. Besides, Quatre
loves it. It gives him a chance to relieve some pressure from his
Space Heart. It makes him feel our troubles all the time, he told me.
Taking care of us makes us happy and lets him rest."

"I was ordered to make certain that you drank the juice and the
milk," Heero said, noticing that Duo was avoiding both.

"Quatre's orders?" Duo grinned. "You both know I drink coffee in the
morning."

"Coffee doesn't have any nutritional value whatsoever," Heero argued.

"Great, isn't it?" Duo chuckled and then became more serious as he
sipped at his juice. "Did Quatre ask why you were bringing me
breakfast?"

"No." Heero reached out and gently touched the large bruise along
Duo's cheek. Duo shivered, but held still under those rough fingers,
fingers that could bend steel. Heero said thoughtfully. "I think
Quatre thought that I was trying to be... romantic."

"Really?" Duo snickered. "He doesn't know you as well as he thinks."

"Is that what couples do, bring each other food to their bed?" Heero
wondered.

"Ah, yeah, sometimes."

"Strange."

"Yeah, isn't it?"

Heero lowered his hand and stood up. "Your muscles need to stretch,
Duo. Lying in bed won't make them stop hurting."

Duo scowled. "You could have taken it easy on me!" he accused. "I am
just learning!"

"I did take it easy on you," Heero replied. "Next time, follow my
directions and you won't get hurt so badly."

"Yeah, I'll remember that next time I have you on top with me
kissing the floor!" Duo finished his juice with a gulp and then
mopped up the last of the syrup with the last bit of griddle cake. He
ate it appreciatively and then licked his fingers. Heero watched
Duo's tongue intently. Duo noticed and smirked at him. "I'm not up
for that, Baby, so don't get hot in the pants, 'K?"

Heero shrugged irritably. "If you are done eating, we have a full
schedule of maintenance and repairs to get through today. Moving
about will make your body heal more quickly. Please, get up and get
dressed."

"Please?" Duo blinked and smiled. "You MUST love me to say something
like that."

Heero gave Duo an intense look. "I do."

***

"Milk," Quatre said as he balanced on Deathscythe and leaned into
the cockpit with a small, chilled, thermal cup. "I noticed that you
had a full cup on the breakfast tray when I went to get it from your
room. I thought I could trust Heero..."

"Aww!" Duo scowled. "I'm not three, Quatre! I need coffee!"

Quatre stared. "What happened to your face?"

Duo touched the livid bruise self consciously. "I didn't do what I
was told to do."

"What's that mean?"

Duo shrugged and looked uncomfortable as he took the thermos and
uncapped the top. "Hey, don't worry about it, 'K? I can take it."

Quatre was confused and worried. His heart told him that Duo wasn't
upset, just embarrassed. That didn't make any sense to the pilot of
Sandrock. If Heero was harming the braided boy...

Duo finished the milk and handed the thermos back to Quatre. He
wiped off his milk mustache and grinned. "Thanks, Mom, I feel so much
better!"

Quatre scowled, but his beautiful, baby face made the expression
look like a debutante pout. "You need to eat more," he replied
defensively. "I don't want you to collapse in Deathscythe when I need
you to cover me in battle."

"All right, Q- man!" Duo laughed. "Don't get your knickers in a
snit! I didn't mean anything by it. You are a man's man... Trowa's
man, right?" Duo laughed louder at Quatre's deep blush.

"It isn't a joke that you need to take better care of yourself,
Duo," Quatre replied seriously. "You can't live on candy bars and
soda pop and push yourself day and night the way you do. You're the
only pilot that can't ..."

"Can't what? Pretend that I'm not a boy who should be still in
school and having his mom and dad take care of him?" Duo's expression
was pinched. "I find it very hard to do that sometimes, Quatre,
especially when I see other people my age who do have that. I grew up
with nothing and nobody. I went from that to piloting a Gundam in a
damn war! Sometimes...I just wanna be a kid, a normal kid. Guess
that's why I do the things I do; read manga, drink soda, and sing to
pop songs on the radio." He paused as he handed back the thermos,
avoiding looking at Quatre's sympathetic expression as the blonde
Arabian clutched the thermos against his heart. "Thanks, Quatre, for
looking out for me."

"It's okay," Quatre said in a small voice and then added, "You
aren't the only one who feels that way, Duo. The others just hide it
better."

"I know," Duo replied and then grinned maniacally again, shoving
down his emotions deep inside himself until he felt comfortable
again. "At least I get a bad assed toy out of the deal, right?" He
caressed the controls of Deathscythe lovingly.

"Yes," Quatre smiled back gently, thinking of his beloved Sandrock.
His eyes lit on Duo's bruise again. The braided boy was prickly about
the subject. If he didn't want to talk about it, there was nothing
Quatre could do. He tried to say something neutral, picking his words
carefully. "Duo.... if you need to talk, you can come to me, all
right? Sometimes, things don't go the way we thought they would..."

"Hm?" Duo blinked and then shrugged, not understanding, but still
grateful, "Uh, sure Q-man, thanks."

Quatre began climbing down Deathscythe and Duo grimaced. "Now I have
milk taste in my mouth!" He bent to rummage around in a compartment.

"What did Quatre want?"

Duo jerked a hand automatically towards his hidden knife, just
before his mind registered Heero's voice. He huffed as he went back
to his search. "Make noise or something, Baby! I almost gutted you!"

"No danger of that," Heero replied as he sat edgewise on the cockpit
door. "I'm always prepared."

"Huh? Yeah, I guess you are."

Duo found his prize and grinned as he pulled a small, white bag out
of the compartment. He dug something out of it and then handed it to
Heero. Heero took it gingerly, squished it between his fingers, and
scowled as it sprang back to form. "A new type of sealant?" he
wondered skeptically.

"Naw! Gummy bears! Ya eat 'em, Baby!" Duo popped one into his mouth
and moaned appreciatively. "Sweet and chewy, my favorite combination."

Heero didn't eat his, but continued to squish it between thumb and
finger. "What did Quatre want?" Heero asked again.

Duo eyed him. "Did you climb all the way up here to ask me that?"

Heero scowled impatiently and handed Duo a readout. "Your computer
diagnostic of Deathscythe. Good, but not good enough."

Duo became as serious as Heero in an instant, but he continued to
chew on gummi bears as he poured over the readings. "That gyro...I
took a good hit there last time. I may have to pull an all-nighter to
get it ready before the mission."

"May?" Heero growled.

"All right! WILL have to. My life depends on this Gundam working
perfectly, Heero," Duo assured the intense boy, "I'm not about to
skimp on the repairs before a fight."

"Good. Now, what did Quatre want?"

"That's three times you've refused to drop the subject, Hee-man,"
Duo said pointedly. "Are you jealous?"

"I'm in need of information and you are not supplying it."

"Jealous," Duo affirmed with a smirk.

Heero glared.

"All right," Duo sighed as he chewed another gummi bear. "He came to
make me drink my milk. Pretty embarrassing, huh? That guy doesn't
know when just helping out ends and freakish obsessiveness starts, ya
know?"

"Hn."

"And that means...?"

"I won't shoot him...yet," Heero grunted and began climbing down
Deathscythe again.

"I think he was joking," Duo said to a gummi bear, "but, with Heero,
it's hard to tell." He popped the bear into his mouth and began
humming a pop tune as he started adjustments on the controls.

***

"Damn! Crap! Mother puss bucket!"

"......." Trowa hummed and gave Duo an unreadable look as he gently
pressed into Duo's ribs with his slender fingers.

"Owwww! What are you, secretly working for Oz?" Duo demanded with a
red face as he panted through the pain "If it's information you want-"

"Not broken," Trowa announced curtly. "Two deep bruises. Pee blood
or feel fluid in your lungs, inform me."

"You're as much fun as Heero," Duo growled. "You two should get
together and try and form a whole sentence some time."

Duo left Trowa's room as the man ignored him and began cleaning up
his medical supplies. Duo came face to face with Heero waiting in the
hallway. Duo flushed and looked down at his toes.

"What was his diagnosis?" Heero wanted to know.

"S'okay," Duo replied and then managed a weak chuckle. "He probably
thinks I did it during the mission yesterday. Funny that I didn't get
a scratch in that fire fight, but then I..." Duo shook his head and
grimaced. "So stupid."

"Do as I say, Little Baka," Heero told him, "and you'll get hurt
less."

"Less?" Duo echoed sharply.

"You know you can't match my strength," Heero replied seriously as
he took Duo by the elbow and started back to their room. "You've won
a few times by being unpredictable, but you can only do so much
before I overcome you. You have to accept that."

"Shinigami doesn't accept anything, Baby!" Duo retorted. "I'll
surprise you one day. I'll kick your ass instead of you kicking mine!"


Trowa was a shadow just inside the doorway, listening to the pair
until they had gone out of hearing range. His usually impassive face
darkened unpleasantly.

***

Heero closed his laptop and stood, stretching like a lithe panther.

"My hair is tangled in the back and my ribs are still sore," Duo
complained. He was dressed in a pair of pajama bottoms without a top,
his milky, white torso gleaming in the yellow light of the night
lamp. His hair was a spray of chestnut all around him, a part of it
caught up in the hairbrush Duo was manfully trying to drag through it.

Heero didn't reply. Duo looked over at him and saw that the Perfect
Soldier hadn't understood his predicament.

"I, uh, come on, man!" Duo pleaded. "My arm won't raise enough to
use the brush! Do it for me, 'k?"

"No." Heero came to the bed and stood silently while Duo glared.

"No," Duo echoed. "Why not? Ah! Wait a minute!" Duo narrowed his
eyes at Heero. "You're giving me that 'look', aren't you? It's hard
to tell your 'I want to kill you' look from your 'I want sex' look,
but I think-"

"Duo... shut up."

Duo grinned as he pulled his brush from his hair. "Now, if I did
that I couldn't tell you yes or no, now could I?"

"You're purposefully attempting to excite me, Little Baka," Heero
observed as he motioned to Duo's half clothed body. "Why would you
say no?"

"I can tease, can't I? I like getting you all excited." Duo touched
his darkly bruised torso. "Maybe I just want to punish you some for
this. Look, a nice outline of your boot right here and here. You
could have killed me."

"I've been trained to kill, not wound," Heero replied quietly. He
reached out a tentative hand. When Duo didn't object, he touched the
bruises gently, as gently as he could, which wasn't very. Duo winced.
"I didn't want to hurt you. You forced me to do it."

"Forced you?" Duo scowled and turned away as he handed Heero the
brush. "For that you will brush my hair and, no, I'm not making love
to you. Shinigami doesn't curl into a ball and say 'Uncle' to
anybody, in bed or out of it!"

Heero shrugged. He didn't beg. He didn't cajole. He simply switched
mental gears and shut off, expertly, the part of him that 'wanted'
Duo. He was used to it, had been trained to do it all of his life.
Duo, skittish and contrary about sex at the best of times, had
refined that skill. Sex would come, eventually, if Heero was patient,
he knew, so he set about the task of working the tangles out of Duo's
hair with the efficiency of a soldier.

"Ow! Crap! Heero!" Duo complained as Heero pulled the brush through
the knots. "Not like that! Stop it! OWWWW! Are you purposefully
trying to rip my scalp out along with my hair? Go easy! No, Stop! I'm
in enough pain already!"

Wu Fei, walking by their room, paused with a frown at Duo's cries.
On the one hand, he felt his need for revenge on the practical joker,
Duo, being satisfied, on the other hand, he felt a sense of
injustice. Yuy was strong, abnormally strong. It wasn't honorable for
him to be hurting the stupid, braided, boy. Wu Fei decided to
interrupt, though he didn't relish going against the cold, violent
Heero Yuy.

Wu Fei knocked on the door, but he didn't expect a response, so he
opened it and walked in, alert for danger. He stopped when he saw the
frozen tableau before him. Heero had hold of a large portion of Duo's
freed, chestnut hair. It was an amazing, rippling, waterfall about
them both. They were both standing, Duo's eyes wide with pain, naked
to the waist, and hands raised to defend himself or his hair. Wu Fei
wasn't certain which. Heero had a hair brush clenched in one hand as
if he intended to beat Duo with it. His face was set grimly, eyes
intense under his unruly dark hair. In one, smooth motion, he leveled
a gun barrel at Wu Fei.

Wu Fei kept perfectly still and didn't say anything, knowing a
twitch might activate Heero's trigger finger. It was Duo who moved
first, lowering his hands to pull up his slipping pajama bottoms. He
was red with embarrassment.

"Uh, Wuffie, you could knock." Duo said angrily. "We are a couple,
ya know."

Wu Fei frowned darkly. "I refuse to acknowledge your 'relationship'
as anything other than that of honorable friends. You will respect
that choice." He paused and waited for Heero to judge him a non
threat. It didn't come quickly, but when it did, Wu Fei couldn't help
betraying himself with a release of breath and tension from his body.

Heero holstered his gun and let go of Duo's hair. He flipped the
hairbrush onto the bed and it bounced slightly as he turned to give
Wu Fei his complete attention. "What is it that you want, Wu Fei?"

"Justice," Wu Fei replied, lifting his chin arrogantly. "I heard Duo
cry out. It was my duty to intervene."

Duo blinked, stupefied. "Ah, that was sure nice of you Wu Fei, but
nothing's wrong."

Wu Fei noticed the black bruises on Duo's torso and face. Several
were obviously boot marks. He could just discern the tread marks of a
steel toed work boot. Heero wore that kind of boot. "You were
defending yourself like a woman!" Wu Fei growled disapprovingly. "I
know that you were trained in hand to hand combat as intensely as the
rest of us. I fail to see why you were allowing Yuy-"

"He bends steel bars with his bare hands!" Duo chuckled. "I have
respect for my own skin." He gave Wu Fei a curious look. "Besides, I
don't think hair pulling rises to the level of an honest to goodness
fight, do you? Or maybe you do. You get mad over the dumbest things,
Wu Fei."

Wu Fei growled and turned back for the door. "Onna! You don't
deserve justice!"

"What did he call me, Heero?" Duo wondered with a chuckle.

"Not important," Heero replied, but he had an angry edge to his
voice that warned Wu Fei that he had better watch his back.

"Damn Duo anyway!" Wu Fei swore as he went towards his own room. He
had always known that the braided boy was insane and this only proved
it. Not only was Duo engaging in perversion, something that Wu Fei
could overlook due to their constant isolation from women, but the
idiot had managed to choose as his stress relief a man Wu Fei
considered a ticking time bomb.

Duo needed help before something more permanent happened besides
some ugly bruises. When Wu Fei thought of those ugly marks on that
creamy, toned flesh... He wiped at his nose and said a prayer to
Nataku. He would have to tell the others, especially Quatre. The
Blonde Arabian was Duo's best friend. If anyone could get the weak,
idiot boy to see sense it would be Quatre and his Space Heart.

***

"Quatre?"

Quatre was sitting outside on the porch on a wicker couch, tea
steaming on a low wicker table and some soft music playing on a small
radio beside him. It was hot, but there was a small breeze. The night
stars were very clear and bright and Quatre was watching them with
quiet joy.

"Duo? Couldn't sleep either?"

Duo, wearing both top and bottom to his pajamas now, slowly lowered
himself onto the couch beside Quatre. He stared very hard at the
darkness, face pinched. "Ribs hurt, I guess."

"What happened?" Quatre couldn't help but be blunt, hoping to
surprise Duo into answering.

Duo stretched and put his hands behind his head as he shrugged.
"Ducked when I should have dodged, that's all," which wasn't any
answer.

Quatre looked sideways at Duo, his blue eyes serious. "Heero has a
good heart, Duo, but-"

"But," Duo chuckled. "That's a big but, Quatre." Duo sighed and
closed his amethyst eyes. His smile was brittle. "I love him, ya
know? I respect him, too. I want him to feel both of those things for
me. I guess...I guess I try too hard, do things I know I can't do
with him. I don't know what Dr. J did to him, or at least not most of
it, but he's not a normal fifteen year old boy, Quatre. He's...he's
very strong and very...emotional, but not in a good way. He gets
emotional about duty, fighting, missions, and just being a good
soldier. He wants me to be the same way. I try, really I do. Other
things, things that are important to me...I just can't make him see
the point. So, I work with him on the Gundams, I train with him, and
I go on missions. I do all of that so that he keeps, ya know, wanting
me around. Otherwise, our relationship is pretty much a wash. I still
have trouble...uh, crap, Quatre, It's hard to talk about stuff like
this. Men aren't supposed to."

Quatre had been silent while Duo rambled, making mental notes,
trying to make a picture that he could understand. He opened his
Space Heart and let it tell him what to do with the braided pilot
beside him. Very slowly, so as not to startle skittish Duo, he
slipped an arm around the pilot's shoulders. Duo looked at Quatre
questioningly, but he didn't resist as Quatre slowly pulled Duo
against him. With light fingers, Quatre caressed the side of Duo's
face.

Duo sighed and involuntarily leaned into the caress as if Quatre
were offering him a slice of Heaven. It made Quatre's Space Heart
ache. How could he not have known just how needy his friend was?

Duo murmured, sounding a little embarrassed. "Feels good, Quatre."

Quatre held Duo, smoothed his hair, rubbed his earlobe, massaged a
shoulder, and slipped a hand under the shirt of Duo's pajamas to rub
his shaking back. Ribs to count, Quatre thought disapprovingly, and
two raised areas where the bruises were.

"It's all right," Quatre soothed, "I can feel your pain. You've gone
too long without a gentle touch, a mother's love, or a father's
kindness. You thought Heero would give you those things, but then you
found out that he couldn't, am I right? He's rough, a soldier. He can
love. He loves you, Duo, but his hands kill and there's nothing of
gentleness in them."

"So stupid!" Duo sniffled, hiding his face against Quatre's
shoulder. "I know he loves me. I know he wants to treat me right, but
it just goes wrong every time he tries! Earlier, I just-just wanted
him to brush my hair! How could 'Perfect Soldier' mess that up, huh?
But he did. He went at it like he was running a rake through weeds!
He knew he was hurting me, but...he didn't know what to do about it.
He-He just kept trying to finish, to complete his mission of brushing
my hair. You know, sometimes he takes a bit of my hair and just
touches it like it's the most fascinating thing on earth. That's the
gentlest thing he can do with me. The rest is calloused hands, vise
fingers, hard as a rock muscles, and a face that looks the same
whether-whether he's getting some or he's kicking Oz butt!"

"But you love him," Quatre replied. It wasn't a question. His heart
knew the truth.

"Yeah, of course!" Duo said with another sniffle. "None of that
stuff I just mentioned makes me hate him or anything. I knew what he
was when...well, when I fell for him. That's okay. It's just
that....sometimes...I just want so badly to be a kid and to have
someone treat me like one; to do what you're doing right now. Once in
awhile, Sister Helen used to touch me, hold me, that kind of stuff,
but, aside from curling up in a pile with the other flea bitten
orphans, I was always on my own. You probably think I'm weird now,
right, going to pieces on you and all? I guess I've been under too
much stress. Makes me stupid."

"I won't tell anyone," Quatre promised, knowing Duo was about to ask
that.

Duo sniffed yet again. "Thanks. Heero... well, ya have to
understand. We both had a rough life. He just can't handle emotions
too well. That's why he sticks them in categories and draws out
mission statements to figure out how to express them. Don't go around
thinking he's cold to me or anything. He's the best, really."

Quatre's hand touched the bruises. Duo winced. "What about these?
Did he express himself by hurting you?"

Duo sat up abruptly, startled, and then angry at himself. "Those
were my fault, not Heero's! I didn't follow his directions! He told
me what to do and I was a stupid baka and thought I knew better.
Quatre, you have to believe that Heero would never intentionally do
something to hurt me. He just doesn't know how to pull his kicks and
punches."

"That isn't the way love is supposed to be," Quatre said
emphatically. "You know that, Duo."

Duo managed a lopsided grin. "We're special cases, Quatre. YOU know
that. We can't even begin to hope for all the normal things other
people take for granted." He grew serious suddenly. "Don't say
anything to Heero, 'K? More than love, or anything else, I want
Heero's respect. I know I can't be his equal physically, but I can
show him that I'm tough and that he can count on me on a mission. It
just wouldn't look good if he knew I'd come crying to you like some
little girl, ya know?"

"I know," Quatre sighed. He tried to caress Duo again, but Duo
backed away, grinning once more.

"That's enough," Duo assured him. "I think I've got the wimpies
under control again. Duo Maxwell is back to pretending he's a man
again."

As Duo stood and stretched, Quatre tried one more time, "We respect
you, Duo. We won't think you're a...a wimp if you need our help."

Duo looked down at the blonde Arabian and flushed. "I don't know how
you could help me with this. It's kind of my own cross to bear."

"We're your friends. We'll find a way to help you."

Duo frowned and shrugged. "Okay, Quatre. Thanks. That means a lot.
You guys are the only family I have. If I can't count on you, then
I'm really messed up, I guess."

Quatre watched Duo walk back into the safe house, one arm wrapped
about his sore torso. The boy wasn't going to do anything to remedy
the situation between himself and Heero, Quatre realized. If he
wouldn't, then it was up to him and the others to make certain that
Heero Yuy didn't hurt Duo again.

***

"Heero! Lighten up, man! Your fingers are cutting off my
circulation! No, don't do that, that hurts! Just...Just stay where
you are! I'll do all the work, 'K? Now, don't get frustrated!"

Duo was speaking loudly. It carried into the hallway and caught Wu
Fei's ear as he was passing by with Trowa. The Chinese boy nodded to
Trowa and Trowa nodded back as he raced down the stairs with an
acrobat's grace to fetch Quatre. It didn't take him long to come
racing back up the stairs with the blonde Arabian in tow, blue eyes
anxious.

"You told us to report to you if we heard sounds of abuse again," Wu
Fei explained grimly. "Time for some Justice for Heero Yuy."

"Yes, I think you're right," Quatre said angrily. "We can't let this
go on any longer!"

"Heero!" Duo's voice exclaimed, startling them all. "That hurts! Get
off! I said, get off!"

Wu Fei was the first through the door. The others were close on his
heels, all of them ready for a fight, but also afraid, to a man, of
what Heero might do to defend himself. They were expecting an abused
Duo, maybe huddled at a violent, angry Heero's feet. They weren't
prepared to see two naked figures on the bed and two sets of eyes
looking at them in complete shock.

"What-" Heero was on the bottom, legs thrown up around Duo's waist.
Duo was between Heero's legs, his cock buried up to the hilt inside
of him, hands on either side of Heero's head, and face bent close.
Heero reached for a gun he didn't have, realized who had burst in on
them, and then began to curse at the other pilots. "Kisama! Get out
before-"

But it was already too late. Duo was naked and surrounded by males.
Even Heero, beneath him, was suddenly a threat as Duo reverted back
to the abused child he had been and began to scream. He yanked
himself out of Heero and tried to shove himself off of the man. His
hair, the subject of the earlier argument, was still pinned beneath
Heero's shoulder. Trapped, Duo went berserk. He reached under the
pillow and pulled out his knife. At that moment, Heero wasn't the man
he loved and trusted, he was a 'customer' setting him up for a gang
bang.

Heero dodged, just, and the tip of the knife slashed the pillow,
before he was using his strength to yank Duo's hair free and shove
the pilot of Deathscythe off of him. He rolled as Duo went sprawling
on the floor and then came up on his feet, ready to defend himself.

Duo was facing the others now, still naked and knife held out
defensively. His wild, amethyst eyes didn't see the room around him
or register the fact that he knew their faces. They were the 'johns'
from his childhood and he was going to kill them all before they
could put their filthy hands on him again.

Heero, inhumanly silent, managed to come up behind Duo. Eyes intense
and angry at the fiasco, his hands grabbed Duo as fast as a striking
snake, intending to pull the boy back against his chest and
immobilize him.

As soon as Duo felt Heero's fingers touch him he whirled, body
spinning, foot coming around to land solidly in the side of Heero's
head. Taken completely by surprise, Heero Yuy dropped to the floor
unconscious. Duo changed his grip on the knife so that he could stab
downwards and he began to bend.

"No, don't!" Quatre exclaimed as Wu Fei and Trowa began to spring
forward to intervene. He held them back with his hands and they
looked at him as if he, Quatre, had lost his mind along with Duo.
"Let me handle this. I know what to do!" Quatre told them quickly.

"Just, step back. Give Duo some room."

Duo had paused at Quatre's shout. He crouched, half bent over and
face white and twitching, as he watched Wu Fei and Trowa deliberately
step back to the doorway. When only Quatre remained, Duo fixed his
gaze on the pilot of Sandrock, a mad, warning glint in his eyes.

Quatre forced himself to relax, as if everything were fine and Duo
wasn't threatening him with a razor sharp knife. "Hey, Duo? It's
nearly noon time. I was just wondering what you wanted for lunch.
Sorry to barge in without knocking." Duo narrowed his eyes, but he
didn't comprehend yet. "I noticed that you skipped your juice this
morning. You'll have to make up for that. I won't let you get away
with eating only chocolate sugar busters with sugar on top! The
sheets need changing too, especially after your," Quatre blushed.
"Well, your afternoon get together with Heero. Now, why don't you go
put on some clothes and come downstairs and help me out in the
kitchen. It is your turn to do the dishes this week and you've been
shirking it. That means extra work for me and I don't appreciate it,
you lazy boy."

Duo blinked, suddenly looking contrite. Comprehension flooded his
face. "Sorry, Q-man! Didn't mean to make you get dish pan hands or
anything!" He stopped, blinked again, and then looked down at the
knife in his hand. He shivered. "What am I doing?" It was then that
he saw Heero stretched out at his feet. "Baby!" Duo shrieked and fell
to his knees, knife clattering away from him as he grabbed Heero up
against his chest. "Tell me I didn't stab you this time, Baby!"

"This time?" Wu Fei growled, disgusted by the whole episode.

"You kicked him," Trowa explained quietly. "Concussion is likely."

"Kicked him?" Duo's eyes went wide as Heero began to wake up.

"Hn," Heero grumbled as he sat up on his own and rubbed his head.
"You simply followed your training. I told you that it would become
reflexive after enough practice bouts."

"Guess I just didn't believe that a little old kick was going to
stop Heero Yuy," Duo admitted, but his awe at his accomplishment was
quickly replaced by worry. "I didn't hurt you too bad, did I?"

"No. You will need more training sessions before you are proficient
enough to do me any permanent damage."

Wu Fei glared at Trowa and Quatre. "Training sessions?" He glared at
Duo and Heero. "You've been training in hand to hand combat together?
Is that where you received all your bruises, Maxwell?"

"Yeah," Duo said slowly, recalling his nakedness again and beginning
to cringe. Heero was quicker this time. He snagged a robe, from a
tangle of their clothes on the floor, and forced it around Duo's thin
body. Duo sank into it gratefully and huddled against Heero as he
complained in a small voice, "Do you guys mind? I mean, why are you
in here? I think, I remember, me and Heero, we were..."

"We thought Heero was abusing you," Quatre explained. "The
bruises...the shouting..."

"Duo likes to shout," Heero explained as he slowly climbed to his
feet and went to pull on his clothes without even the smallest hint
of self consciousness. "He thinks he needs to fill the silence when I
refuse to." He frowned. "I would never harm Duo unless it was called
for."

"Called for?" Wu Fei echoed.

"Missions sometimes require sacrifice," Heero explained. "Duo
understands that."
Duo was coming back fully to himself, the back and forth banter
reassuring his hair trigger mind that he was with his friends and not
back on the streets of L2. He looked at Quatre, understanding now.
"You thought Heero was hurting me?"

"Yes," Quatre replied sheepishly. "You were so upset..."

"Were you?" Heero asked, suddenly alert. "Why were you upset, Duo?"

Duo stammered and then glared at Quatre. "Thanks a lot, man!" Quatre
was instantly contrite.

"Oh, I'm so sorry, Duo! I've betrayed your confidence in me!"

"Quatre, you should respect me," Duo said with pain lacing his
voice. "I'm not dumb enough to let anyone hurt me."

"Leave," Heero ordered abruptly. Everyone blinked at him. "Leave!"
he repeated in a dangerous tone.

They filed out slowly. Quatre looked back at Duo sadly. "Sorry," he
said softly and closed the door behind the retreating pilots.

Heero stood staring down at Duo and then he kneeled and faced the
pilot of Deathscythe.

"Tell me. Now."

Duo swallowed. He hugged his robe around himself. "I guess I flipped
out there, Heero. Sorry about that. Kind of embarrassing, really. I
could have hurt you bad with my knife...." Duo paused when Heero very
carefully put a finger to his lips.

"Forgiven. Now, tell me."

Duo sighed. "I want you to respect me."

"I do."

Duo was amazed. "You do? You aren't just saying that?"

"You know I don't say what I don't mean."

"Yeah, I guess I do know that," Duo sighed and then he said quickly,
before he lost his nerve, "You're just really hard and rough, Heero.
Sometimes, I want some..," Duo's face twisted in self loathing. "God!
You're going to think I'm a prissy girl!"

Heero gave Duo his most intense gaze as he gripped Duo's chin and
kept the boy from turning away from him. "Tell me."

Duo closed his eyes, not wanting to see Heero's face as he replied.
"I just want some gentleness, a soft touch and all."

Heero lowered his hand, realizing that his grip was hard and
bruising. "Show me, Duo. Show me how."

Duo shook his head sharply. "I don't think you can learn this, Heero."

Heero scowled. "You're the one not respecting me now."

"Sorry," Duo looked away nervously. "I can't right now, I had that
scare and all, but later, after everyone has gone to sleep and you've
fixed the lock on the door, I'll show you, 'K?"

"Yes," Heero agreed and nodded, very serious.

Duo managed a shaky grin. "I hope you're ready for this. I'm going
to be as tough on you as you are on me when we train. There's no room
for slackers, Heero Yuy."

"Respect my abilities," Heero retorted, offended.

"Respect mine in return," Duo replied. "And we'll be a match made in
heaven."

*** Owari***
Go to Part 7: Rub It In

==========================================
Shinigami's Lover Arc 1: Part 7
Part 7: Rub It In
by Kracken (signs@screaminet.com)

Disclaimer: Don't own them and I don't make any money off of this
so, please don't hurt me! :(
Warning: Pure Smut! Guys having sex with guys. A 4x3 challenge. (Who
says Quatre can't be on top and still be a nice guy?) It's a side
story to my arc.

Visit my ML at http://groups.yahoo.com/group/krackenml/
Updates at http://groups.yahoo.com/group/KrackenficsML
Published works at Amazon.com under Della Boynton
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/1589090691

==========================================

"You can't!"

"I can!"

"Can't!"

"Can!"

Duo snickered and stuffed his face full of popcorn. "Maybe with a
bottle of aphrodisiacs or something!" he mumbled.

"Hey!" Quatre hit Duo with a couch pillow hard. Duo yelped and
almost choked on his popcorn.

Duo put aside his bowl and sat up. They were both sitting on the
couch, a late night movie playing softly on the television. The other
pilots had long since gone to bed, unwilling to watch the B horror
movie that Duo had chosen. Quatre had surprisingly stayed behind, but
his reasons had nothing to do with liking to watch disgusting slime
creatures devour helpless citizens on a moon colony. His reasons had
been more personal. He wanted advice.

Duo glared. Quatre melted like warm butter and began to apologize.
Duo relaxed and smirked. "See what I mean? It just ain't gonna
happen, Quatre! Besides, Trowa wouldn't let you. He's definitely not
the type!"

"And Heero is I suppose?" Quatre replied with arched, golden brows.

Duo frowned. "That's a special case and you know it... or, I guess
I'm the special case and Heero has to go along with me or he ain't
getting none, if ya know what I mean?" He fiddled with his braid and
looked down, disturbed and flushed.

Quatre's space heart twinged. "Sorry, Duo. I know your past is
painful to you, but so is Trowa's. He gets scared just like you do if
I ask for too much."

"Then why ask?"

Quatre reddened. The blonde Arabian looked like an innocent ten year
old and Duo felt uncomfortable talking about sex with him, even
though he knew that Quatre was definitely NOT innocent.

"I want to love him," Quatre said at last, expression wistful. "I
don't want to just- just lay there. He makes me feel so good. I want
him to know what that's like. I know he's never felt that before."

Duo's face went pinched and haunted. "Yeah, well people can tear a
body inside and out so that it can ever be fixed, Quatre. Me and
Heero, for example, are still a work in progress. Trowa's never told
me about- about being a sex toy for those mercenaries, but I know
that look on his face. I see it every time I look at myself in a
mirror. I don't want to be crude, but, laying on your back and not
moving a muscle is probably the only way Trowa can manage to get it
up with you at all. If you were to, uhm, flip him on his back and try
to do the nasty, he might just get violently nasty right back."

"I know that!" Quatre replied in exasperation. "That's why I've come
to you, Duo."

Duo blinked. "I'm not exactly the romance expert," he replied. "My
customers never paid for that and Heero barely understands foreplay.
Wine and roses are pointless to him. The flowers die and a pilot
should never get drunk: hampers performance."

"But you understand Trowa," Quatre persisted. "I'm sorry to cause
you pain, Duo, but I'm really desperate. If you could tell me what
would relax you, what would make you want-"

"Nothing!" Duo snarled and backed away to the other end of the
couch, drawing his knees against his chest. He huddled there for a
full minute, glaring, but then he unfolded like a spring and stood
up. Quatre flinched, thinking Duo had snapped and was about to attack
him. Instead, Duo grinned. "I know what you can do!"

***

"It's definitely a rash, Trowa," Quatre said as he surveyed his
lover's backside.
The man tried to crane his head so that he could see it too. He had
just come from the shower, his long, lean body wrapped in a towel. He
had let it slip to bend and get his clothes from the dresser and
Quatre had taken that opportunity to make his comment.

"I don't feel anything," Trowa replied, a little embarrassed.

"Better take care of it now or you will later," Quatre told him in a
serious tone. "It's in a difficult place to reach. I have some
ointment. If you'll let me, I'll put some on the spot."

The anxious eyes Trowa turned on Quatre hurt, but Quatre kept
himself quiet, making himself look as small and as vulnerable as
possible. I'm not a threat, he tried to say with his body, I'm your
little Arabian who wouldn't hurt a fly.

Trowa nodded, but his lips were tight pressed together. "Okay, Love,
go ahead."

Quatre smiled shyly and held up the tube of ointment. Trowa was a
little surprised and Quatre kicked himself for not putting it in the
medicine cabinet first. He scrambled for an explanation. "I noticed
it earlier."

Trowa accepted this. He didn't have any reason not to.

"I think it would be easier if you sat on the bed," Quatre suggested.

"How would that be easier?" Trowa wondered with wide eyes.

"Uh, you'll see."

Trowa did as Quatre suggested, but he sat gingerly, ready to get up
again if he felt threatened. He hitched the towel around himself
defensively. Not good, Quatre thought. He had to get rid of the towel.

"Oh, that'll get all greasy with the medicine," Quatre said breezily
and made a shooing motion. "You won't need it."

Trowa didn't want to give it up. His hands tightened on the fabric.
Quatre readjusted his plan of attack. "Okay, Trowa. That's fine. You
can keep it on."

Quatre kneeled between Trowa's long legs. The man watched him
intently from under his long bang, face unreadable. Quatre tried to
keep talking, even though he was beginning to see another flaw in his
plan. He had never seduced anyone. When he and Trowa had decided to
become lovers, Trowa had simply pulled Quatre to his lips and told
him to lie still. Trowa was always gentle and beautiful in his
lovemaking. Quatre had never regretted a moment of being the
submissive partner, but now he was almost at a loss as to how to
begin what Trowa had always done so well.

"So, what were you going to do tonight?" Quatre wondered in a
strained bantering tone. "I was thinking of curling up next to the
fireplace and reading that English novel... you know the one, Lord
Byron's Doggerel?" he kept on in that vein as he smoothed some of the
'medicine' over his fingers. His fingers were shaking.

Trowa didn't reply for the longest time and then he said simply, "I
don't know."

Quatre raised eyebrows and gave Trowa his gentlest smile, full of
warm fuzzies wrapped in his heart. "Don't know? Maybe I can forget
the book and we can-"

"Work on Heavyarms, maybe," Trowa finished.

"Oh, all right," Quatre replied, flustered. "Heero did give us all a
stack of new maintenance schedules... maybe I could go to the hanger
with you and help out."

"I suppose."

From his low position, Quatre had a fine view of Trowa's cock
underneath the towel. It wasn't soft, but it wasn't hard either. Long
and slender, it moved uncertainly, Trowa's nervousness maybe keeping
it from making up its mind. Trowa had smooth, long legs; all muscle
with only a faint scattering of dark hair along the fronts of them.
Beautiful, Quatre thought. He longed to nuzzle and stroke them, but
his business was elsewhere and Trowa was becoming impatient, shifting
a little as if he was deciding to get up again. Quatre brought his
attention back to his main objective.

Blathering about Gundam specifications and, of all things, Heero's
anal retentiveness about them, Quatre slowly began smoothing the
'medicine' over the skin on the underside of Trowa's thigh. That skin
shivered.

Very slowly, Quatre began moving his fingers further and further
back, towards the spot he had been longing to touch for a long while
but had avoided because of Trowa's fears. When he reached it he said,
breathlessly, "I have to rub it in good and deep here. That's where
the worst of it is. Will that be all right, Trowa love?"

Trowa shivered again. Quatre didn't dare look up into his green
eyes, afraid of rejection, afraid of seeing stark fear. Quatre was
terrified of either reaction. He wanted to give his lover the same
pleasure that Trowa had given him. Quatre felt that he would die if
he accidentally gave Trowa the opposite.

"It's all right," Trowa replied finally. "I didn't think you wanted
to do anything like that. You should have asked instead of playing
this silly game."

Quatre looked up then, shocked, and saw Trowa's nervous but trusting
expression. The man was trusting him completely, Quatre realized,
trusting him not to hurt or do the cruel things that some men had
done to him in the past.

"I love you, Heart of my Heart!" Quatre exclaimed, tears in his
large, blue eyes. "Let me show you how much!"

Trowa gave a definite nod and leaned back on his elbows as he took
off the towel. His erection was up and flying now. He began to close
his green eyes, but Quatre stopped him.

"Look at me, love," Quatre told him. "Don't forget it's me."

Trowa opened his eyes again and did as Quatre suggested, his
expression softening as Quatre's fingers began swirling around his
anus. Patience, Quatre told himself, feeling his own cock go hard. He
had lost one kind of virginity to Trowa, now he was eager to lose
another. He wanted to savor it, enjoy every moment, remember it
sweetly for the rest of his life. He wanted that for Trowa too. No
fear. No pain. Only love and pleasure.

Quatre met Trowa's eyes with his own and carefully slid in a finger.
Trowa winced, but he slid his long legs apart and raised his knees to
give Quatre better access.

"Oh, Allah!" Quatre choked. "You are so beautiful, my Trowa!"

Trowa was lean and long, taller than Quatre. The hair along his ass
and along his legs told Quatre that he was moving towards manhood
faster than he was. The thought excited Quatre as he imagined them
men together, loving and making love. Quatre groaned and buried his
face into Trowa's cock and balls, licking, tasting, suckling with
abandon as he slipped another finger into Trowa's anus. Trowa groaned
along with Quatre and his legs went wider, inviting Quatre's gentle
torment to continue as the little Arabian tried to devour and taste
every bit of Trowa's genitals.

Enough! Quatre thought. This was his moment. He couldn't wait any
longer. Standing up, he squeezed more lube onto his smaller cock and
coated it very well. He was a hard as a rock, needing release, aching
for it. He leaned between Trowa's legs. The hairs there tickled his
skin and he smiled lovingly into Trowa's face as he hooked the
pilot's knees with his arms.

"All right, Trowa?" Quatre asked breathlessly, wondering if he could
even stop now if the man told him no. This was different, being the
one on top, being the one in control. He still felt small as a child
beside Trowa's long body, his gentle nature uncertain with this new
dominant position, but his stiff cock didn't leave Quatre any doubt
that he could take full advantage of it.

"Do it, Love," Trowa whispered.

"Love you," Quatre responded and pushed into Trowa. The man grunted
and writhed. Quatre froze, thinking he had done something wrong, but
then he realized that Trowa was bringing his body up, impaling
himself on Quatre as Quatre was coming down to impale him.

The sensation of being inside of Trowa was incredible,
indescribable, a revelation of feeling and togetherness Quatre had
never imagined possible. He tried to be careful, go slow, treat Trowa
as gently as the man had treated him... but he couldn't. Quatre's
body wanted friction, wanted release. Trowa didn't stop him, didn't
try. Trowa was shouting, groaning, and opening his legs as wide as
they would go so that Quatre could bury himself fully and hit his
prostate. Quatre was almost too small but Trowa bent his body with an
acrobat's suppleness and Quatre hit it at last. Trowa went wild then,
pulling Quatre down and kissing him with uninhibited passion,
clutching and grasping at his small lover as if he wanted to pull
Quatre completely inside of him.

Quatre felt Trowa explode into a wet, hot, splatter across both
their bellies. His anus constricted with his orgasm and Quatre
screamed as he came too, pounding his cum hard and fast into Trowa.
Lights exploded behind Quatre's eyes. He felt like he was dying. He
wasn't aware of his surroundings again until Trowa curled around him
and held him close, kissing his mouth with hot lips.

"You only had to ask," Trowa said softly into Quatre's ear. "I trust
you, Love of my life. I always will. What we are together has nothing
to do with the dark animals that rutted on me in the past. This is
the light. This is love. This is pure joy. We make magic when I love
you. With you...," Trowa chuckled softly. "We make fire. I like
that... love that. Ask me again, Quatre, please?"

"It makes you a poet," Quatre laughed and kissed Trowa passionately.
"Come, Trowa, love, let's make poetry together."

*** Owari***
Go to Part 8: Touch Me Tender

==========================================

Shinigami's Lover Arc 1: Part 8
Part 8: Touch Me Tender
by Kracken (signs@screaminet.com)

Disclaimer: I don't own them, but I can have fun with them if I want
to!
Warnings: Guys having sex with guys. Heero angst. Wuffie nose
bleeds. Duo craziness. Violence. Sappiness. Language. Happily ever
afters.
==========================================

"It's a present," Duo said gruffly as he tossed a plain, brown box
into Heero's hands and turned to pick through his tool chest.

Heero held the box gingerly, staring at the pilot's back. His slim
lover was nervous and embarrassed, that was clear, but the reason for
it put Heero's senses on edge. "Have I angered you in some way?"

Duo looked over his shoulder, three foot braid swinging and pixie
face surprised as he grinned. "Not lately. It's not a live bomb,
Heero! Just open it."

"You don't give presents," Heero persisted suspiciously.

"And you give too many," Duo retorted. "It's not really that kind of
present anyway. It's a tool I want you to use while I'm on my
mission."

"Tool?" That interested Heero. He loved tools of any kind. They made
him more efficient.

"The way to a man's heart...," Duo sighed as Heero began opening the
package.

Heero pulled out a hand sized ball. He froze, staring in shock at
the metallic gleam and the blinking lights. "A motion detonator," he
whispered.

Duo turned back around and approached Heero. "Yeah," he replied
matter-of-factly and took it from Heero. "Like I said, it isn't a
'live' bomb. It doesn't have a charge, but," he tapped it and it
sprang open like a flower, "it still reacts like it does."

Duo reset the bomb and it folded into a neat ball once more. "I
don't understand," Heero said at last. "What use would I have for a
motion detonator without a charge?"

"Take it," Duo told him and held it out on the palm of his hand.
Heero reached out and took hold of the bomb. It sprang open
immediately again and he was left holding the spread, metallic flower
of death. "It's very sensitive," Duo explained. "So am I. While I'm
gone, I want you to practice with that until you can touch it, stroke
it, kiss it even, without making it detonate. It can't get bruised or
frightened. It can't try and kill you when you accidentally get too
rough," Duo added with a pointed look at Heero's bandaged leg.

Heero put the detonator back into the box and held it against him.
In the shadow of Deathscythe, he cautiously leaned towards Duo and
kissed his lips. Duo accepted the kiss, smiled, and moved closer.
Heero didn't try and hold Duo or make any other move. He let Duo
slide arms around his hard, lean body, and it was Duo who made the
kiss something more than a simple kiss, teasing Heero's lips open so
that he could make love to the pilot of Wing with his tongue.

"Enough!" Wu Fei snarled as he passed them by on his way to a truck
full of supplies. "We are behind schedule!"

Heero broke the kiss and took a step back, suddenly the soldier
again. "He's right. We've already said our goodbyes."

Duo smirked. "Yeah, all night. I'll have to sleep on the way to our
safe house."

Heero smiled. It was small, but intense, his blue eyes boring into
Duo's, saying everything he couldn't say out loud. Duo grinned in
return.

"Piece of cake, Heero," Duo said reassuringly. "There and back in a
few days. Nothing to worry about."

"No, nothing to worry about," Heero agreed and stepped back another
step. He gripped the box tighter and heard the detonator spring open.
"I'll have this mastered by the time you return."

"I'm counting on it," Duo replied and then he was walking away after
Wu Fei, braid swinging jauntily behind him.

"Bring him back in one piece, Wu Fei," Heero growled under his
breath, "or I will kill you!"

***

Wu Fei glanced briefly at his partner as he threaded the truck down
the narrow, rutted road that went up the mountainside. After fighting
for fifteen minutes over whether the radio should be off or on, Wu
Fei had solved the problem by simply jerking it out until the wires
snapped. Tossing it onto the seat between them, he had said simply,
threateningly, "Not another word or movement out of you, Maxwell, or
that will be you!"

Duo had blinked and grinned wide, as if Wu Fei had cracked a
particularly good joke, and then he had curled up, neat as a cat, and
gone to sleep.

How does he do that? Wu Fei thought. The seats were narrow and
uncomfortable. Tucked into a ball along the door, Duo was breathing
heavily, heart shaped face relaxed, and braid clutched in one hand
like a security blanket. He looked as happy as if he were warm in bed
at... Wu Fei frowned... well, not home. None of them had a real home.

Snow was beginning to fall, contrary to all weather reports, and
that didn't bode well for their mission. Jinxed already, Wu Fei
thought superstitiously. He had never been on a mission with Duo
before. The others had told horror stories of his undisciplined, mad
behavior, and he had avoided it at all costs. Unfortunately, with
Heero Yuy wounded, there hadn't been time to argue or train someone
else. Duo knew the system that had to be hacked, knew the bombs that
had to be placed, and knew the layout of the base. None of the others
qualified. It didn't seem possible to Wu Fei that so much knowledge
and ability could reside in the bundle of energy that was Duo Maxwell.

Pulling up to the cabin, Wu Fei was glad that it was in one piece
and not too old. It was tucked tight up against the side of a
mountain and evergreen trees blocked it from any casual view. The
last two miles had been without a road. The truck had ground through
mud and snow, heavy metal grille pushing over even small trees
without slowing due to its reinforced frame and special tires. The
snow would cover their tracks nicely, but that was its only saving
grace. It was now falling very hard and the sky was darkening with a
promise of more.

"Wake up, idiot!" Wu Fei snarled as he shoved at Duo, his temper
rising with the level of the snowfall. "Help me unload the truck!"

Duo started and Wu Fei was surprised when the boy became instantly
awake. He narrowed eyes at Wu Fei, tense, appraising, tightening in
every muscle as if prepared to spring. Wu Fei sat very still, still
irritable, but suddenly understanding why Duo Maxwell could be
attracted to Heero Yuy. They both had hair triggers and the same
flat, cold, stare that let a man know he was about to become a victim
if he wasn't very careful. Wu Fei was a careful man, not because he
was afraid of Duo or thought that the boy's abilities outmatched his
own, but because avoiding needless bloodshed was only wise.

"Well?" Wu Fei prompted at last.

Duo blinked and then grinned, the stare disappearing so quickly that
Wu Fei began to doubt that he had seen it at all. Duo stretched and
looked about them at the snow. "Uhm, that's not good, Wuffie."

"Shut-up, idiot, and don't call me Wuffie! It is an insult to my
family!"

"Yeah, sure thing," Duo replied, still grinning, and opened the
truck door. He recoiled and shivered violently, his small, thin frame
defenseless against the biting wind, even in a heavy coat. "Crap!
What is it? A hundred below zero, or something? We can't do anything
in this mess!"

"We can't scrub the mission," Wu Fei grumbled. "It's too important.
We have to blow the factory before they ship those mobile suits.
That's a week from now. Ample time to wait out the storm. I
criticized Yuy for being overcautious in the time table, but now I
see the wisdom of it."

"Yeah, that's Heero!" Duo grinned as he huddled into his coat.
"Mister anal retentive always gets it right!"

"You are full of insults today," Wu Fei snarled back. "Do not insult
men when you have failed to prove yourself superior to them!"

Duo looked over his shoulder at Wu Fei with raised eyebrows.
"Meaning Heero and YOU? You're so funny, Wuffie! I'm glad I'm finally
going to be working a mission with you."

"I am not glad!" Wu Fei retorted. "Now... if you are done
chattering, help me unload the supplies."

***

Heero slowly reached out to the ball laying in the center of Duo's
bed. It was nestled on top of a set of black clothes, Duo's clothes,
a faint smell of the pilot of Deathscythe still lingering. Kneeling
by the bed, half leaning over the side, Heero imagined the sensitive,
creamy skin of his lover instead of the hard, metallic surface his
fingers were inching towards. This wasn't a detonator, this was Duo
Maxwell smiling gently at him, expecting gentleness from the pilot of
Wing.

Heero's fingers touched. Callouses scraped. Fingers closed...too
hard. The detonator popped open into its deadly flower shape, springs
clicking ominously as it tried unsuccessfully to explode.

"Kuso!" Heero swore and sat back on his heels glumly. He looked at
his large hands and then balled them into fists. They could do so
much, those talented hands, so why did such a simple exercise defeat
them?

Defeat. Heero didn't like that word. Hated it. He refused to accept
it. He snatched up the detonator, closed it, and placed it back on
top of Duo's clothes before it could reset itself. When Heero heard
the reset click, he took a steadying breath, flexed his fingers, and
reached out again....

***

Duo was struggling, Wu Fei could see it. Stupid boy! Weak like an
onna, he thought, but it was something that Duo hadn't uttered a
complaint yet, even though his lips were turning blue and he was
visibly shaking. He lifted heavy bundles and staggered inside of the
cabin with them, one of his legs giving him trouble and his breath
sounding unusually harsh. He kept grinning. That unnerved Wu Fei.
What did the pilot find so amusing about freezing in the snow?

Duo was muttering to himself. Wu Fei pricked up his ears as he
passed him with his load of bundles. "Hot chocolate," Duo was saying.
"Hot bath. Hot cinnamon tea. Hot coffee with hot cream. Hot pancakes
with hot syrup by a hot, hot fire." He was rasping the words between
tortured pants for air. Why? Why struggle to say foolish things like
that when he could barely breathe?

"Two more. I'll get them," Wu Fei said briskly. "Get inside and
start unpacking."

Duo didn't argue. He limped inside, braid a wet tail behind him.
That made Wu Fei swear under his breath. Stupid hair! Of course the
braid had dropped in the snow every time the boy had bent to get a
bundle that Wu Fei had dropped from the truck bed. Of course it was
now soaking wet and chilling the already freezing Duo.

Wu Fei staggered under the last two bundles and hurried into the
house. He found Duo huddled by the fireplace, pathetically trying to
make hands work in order to light the kindling under the logs.
Dropping his bundles and kicking closed the door, Wu Fei shouldered
Duo aside and did the job himself quickly and efficiently.

"Thanks, Man!" Duo chattered and held his hands close to the blazing
logs. His body instinctively tried to get close to the fire as
well... too close. Wu Fei snagged an arm around Duo's narrow waist
and pulled the pilot back. He released him just as quickly and stood
up before Duo could react.

"Get your wet clothes off and wrap in blankets," Wu Fei ordered.
"Get that stupid hair dried out before you become ill and compromise
the mission."

There was only one large room to the cabin, a shower stall without a
door, and a narrow door that probably led to an outhouse. Running
water was had from a pump at a sink in the makeshift 'kitchen' and
the shower had a boiler cistern. They would have hot water at least
and a small room that would be easy to heat with the fireplace, but
many creature comforts were clearly lacking. Furniture consisted of a
card table with three chairs, a hard, wooden couch by the fire, and
two cots that looked business like enough that Wu Fei rightly
suspected Heero had put them there when he had checked out the safe
house on his reconnaissance mission. He had probably piled up the
wood as well and made certain the cistern was full of water. It was
frozen water now but, once Wu Fei lit up the burner, they would have
drinking water as well as bath water.

Duo was peeling off his jacket, gloves, socks, and boots. He was
moving slowly, almost reluctantly. Wu Fei kept his back to him, to
give him privacy, and began unpacking. When he found the blankets, he
turned, without thinking, to hold a few out to Duo. He paused, with
the blankets hovering between them, as he saw Duo standing naked in
front of the fire and squeezing out his unbound hair.

Wu Fei had seen Duo naked on several occasions, but only briefly and
during strenuous situations. He hadn't, in any of those occasions,
had the time to really 'look' at the pilot of Deathscythe. Wu Fei was
shocked. He had always thought of Duo as a soft onna, and the others,
always strangely concerned for the well-being of the pilot, had
bolstered that opinion. What Wu Fei saw now sharply contradicted that
opinion.

Duo felt the cold so severely because the boy was as thin as a rail.
His body was small and lithe; tight knit muscle under creamy, pale
skin. The number of scars, and the variety of them, on that thin body
astounded Wu Fei as well. Some of them were long and jagged, as if
something had ripped through skin violently. Some of them on Duo's
back looked suspiciously like whip marks. Still, Duo's body was
beautiful. With his pixieish features, and wild, disordered bangs, he
looked feral, cat like, and perfect as a sculpture done in alabaster.

"Where do you put it?" Wu Fei wondered out loud.

Duo actually flinched and his hand raised to where he had a knife,
in a well worn sheath, tied to his lower arm. Again, Wu Fei saw the
dangerous warning glint in Duo's amethyst eyes, but he was smiling in
a manic fashion as well. "I think you should rephrase your question."
He snatched a blanket from Wu Fei and wrapped it around himself. He
backed up to the fire, but didn't turn to its warmth. He kept all of
his attention on Wu Fei.

"Food, I meant," Wu Fei clarified with a grunt of annoyance as he
went back to unpacking.
"You eat constantly, but you are so thin."

"What's it to you unless you're a boy fucker?"

Wu Fei whirled back around, face livid, but then registered the
question in Duo's voice. He and Heero were bedding each other. Maybe
Duo was worried that he, Wu Fei, would try to do the same.

"I have no such interest in men or boys," Wu Fei replied steadily.
"If you say such a thing to me again, I will defend my honor by
spilling your blood."

Duo blinked and his grin became more genuine. He visibly relaxed.
"Didn't think you did, Wu Fei, but guys are guys, ya know?"

"No, I don't know," Wu Fei growled and turned back to the packs.

"Good." Duo said it low, as if he were speaking to himself, but Wu
Fei heard it any way.

***

"Must you do that at the breakfast table?" Trowa grumbled into his
coffee cup. He was wearing a white tank top and a pair of black sweat
pants, hunched in his chair with both hands wrapped around his
steaming mug. He glared at Heero from under his sleep mussed bang,
green eyes bloodshot.

Quatre nudged his lover with his toe under the table and shook his
head imperceptibly when Trowa looked at him. Trowa sighed and sank
lower into his chair.

"Do you think Wu Fei's taking care of Duo like we asked him to do,
Heero?" Quatre wondered. He was wearing white pajamas, his toast,
milk, and cereal breakfast in sharp contrast to Heero's grain, nutri
bar and tea and Trowa's black coffee.

Heero glared from under his tangle of dark hair, blue eyes narrow
and twitching with sleeplessness. He had the detonator sitting on the
table and he had tried, unsuccessfully, for the twelfth time that
morning to touch it without setting it off.

"I gave Wu Fei detailed instructions-" Heero began

"And mine?" Quatre wondered sharply.

"Hai," Heero replied. "He will follow them."

Trowa was skeptical. He made a face. Quatre saw it.

"What's wrong, Trowa?" Quatre wondered. "Do you think Wu Fei will
ignore our instructions?"

"Yes," Trowa answered shortly.

Heero touched the detonator and it sprang open yet again. He sat
back in his chair and sipped at his tea. "If he ignores them, he's a
dead man."

"You'll kill him?" Quatre squeaked with round, blue eyes.

"No," Heero replied, "Duo will."

***

"Not a bad place and Heero really went all out packing for us. Good
thing he's ready for all contingencies because...," Duo said as he
peered out of a frosted window, "it looks like the snow is getting
very deep. We may be stuck here for a while."

Duo was dressed again in fresh, black clothes, but still huddled in
his blanket. As he turned from the window, Wu Fei saw that he was
still shivering. It didn't seem cold to Wu Fei at all, in fact, it
was getting stuffy in the small space. He watched Duo drag his cot to
the opposite side of the room from Wu Fei's. When he saw Wu Fei
watching, he grinned and winked.

"I snore," Duo explained.

Wu Fei felt uncomfortable and insulted. He poured water into a
percolator and began to boil water for tea.

"So, who should cook?" Duo wondered as he returned to the fire and
sat down.

"Can you cook?" Wu Fei asked with an arched, black eyebrow.

Duo grinned wider and shrugged. "Growing up, I ate mostly cold meals
out of garbage cans... no, wait, they were kind of hot. L2 didn't
have good environmental controls. It was ALWAYS hot there. I watched
some kids make fried rat once, but I don't think Heero packed any."

"Meaning that you can't cook?" Wu Fei finally interrupted.

"Yeah, meaning I can't cook." Duo looked like a mischievous five
year old, curled up on the hearth in his blanket.

"Yuy usually cooks for you then, when you're on missions together?"
Wu Fei turned to the stove and began looking over their food
supplies. Dried packages of noodles, rice, beans, freeze dried
vegetables, powdered broth, and instant coffee and tea packs were
predominant. A little oil, he thought, and a hot frying pan might do
wonders for that unpalatable combination.

"Not much chance for cooking," Duo replied around a yawn. "He keeps
a tight timetable for himself. The few times we had to hole up until
the Oz heat died down, he made me eat caked, nutri rations and
protein drinks." Duo shuddered.

Wu Fei looked down at the rations he had in his hands. "I hate to
inform you, Maxwell, but-"

"Heero packed rations instead of real food again?" Duo groaned.
"Damn it! Good thing I always come prepared." Duo shoved two large
packs with his foot. "Real food, Wuffie."

Wu Fei put down the rations and went to the packs. Opening them up,
he found himself smiling. Duo chuckled. "Hershey bars, popcorn, hot
chocolate, hamburger, cheese, fried chicken, sausage, eggs, bacon,
sugar cereal, donuts... What DIDN'T you bring, Maxwell?! You packed
enough for weeks, not days."

"Hey, you've seen me eat!" Duo laughed outright now. "Now don't tell
me you don't appreciate this Wu-man! I've seen you sneak some of my
cereal and I know someone's been eating my Hershey bars!"

Wu Fei scowled and turned red. "If you are accusing me of being a
thief-"

"No, I wouldn't do that, Wuffie. I'm the thief." Wuffie looked up
startled at Duo's words, but Duo was yawning again. "I gotta sleep
some more, Wuffie. Heero was needy last night and I had to fck hs
lightss ot," Duo slurred as he curled up in his blanket and promptly
fell asleep before the fire.

Wu Fei turned even more red and wiped at his nose as he dragged the
packs towards the stove. He rejected the mental image of Duo on top
of Heero, fucking his lights out. He just couldn't imagine, didn't
WANT to imagine, Heero Yuy being a submissive partner to this
delicate, onna, thief, glutton, chatter-box, bundle of raw energy
that was Duo Maxwell. It didn't seem right. Their personalities were
completely opposed to that arrangement... so, Wu Fei couldn't help
wondering, why did they do it that way?

Duo began to snore. It wasn't loud. It was as delicate as he was,
soft, whistling, almost a faint gurgle as if his lungs weren't
working properly. Remembering that the boy had contracted pneumonia
not too many months before, Wu Fei began to understand. His limp, his
thin body, his many scars; Duo Maxwell wasn't a healthy boy. Heero's
and Quatre's concern for him began to make more sense to Wu Fei.

Wu Fei took up a pack, sat down at the card table with it on top,
and began to go through it. Heero had packed this one special and had
impressed upon Wu Fei that Duo wasn't to know what was in it.

Two letters. Wu Fei squinted and read them in the dim light of a
battery lantern.
The first one was from Heero.

Mission requirements concerning Duo Maxwell if prolonged contact is
required;

1) Never stare or show any unusual interest. Such notice and or
interest triggers symptoms of acute paranoia and violence. If such
interest and or notice are inadvertently displayed, utmost caution is
to be exercised regarding Duo Maxwell.

2) Regarding nightmares. Do not, under any circumstances, attempt to
awaken Duo Maxwell from any nightmare. Attempted violence will be the
immediate result.

3) Due to sexual abuse as a child, sexual references, jokes, and
casual touching or unexpected close contact are to be completely
avoided.

4) If symptoms of paranoia or attempted violence occur, use anti-
depressant tranquilizers in bottle provided. Dissolve pills in food
or drink in amounts specified on bottle label. Do not allow Duo
Maxwell to know about pills. Paranoia will increase.

Duo, according to Heero's letter, was borderline insane. Wu Fei
scowled. He had already known that, but he hadn't realized that there
was a dark, violent side to the boy's personality. In a Gundam, he
was deadly, but that was necessity, battle, not the direct result of
mental instability.

The second letter was from Quatre.

How to care for Duo if you are forced to remain at the safe house
for an extended time:

1) Please be certain not to allow him as much food as he wants. He
will eat until he vomits.

2) Please be certain that he eats and drinks nutritionally correct
foods. He often pretends to eat, when, in fact, he doesn't and will
fill up on junk food to satisfy his hunger instead.

3) Enclosed is his medicine for depression and several inhalers in
case of an emergency. Due to his past bout with pneumonia he is
sometimes prone to have spells where he is unable to breathe.

4) Please be patient with him, Wu Fei, and treat him with kindness.

Wu Fei took out two bottles of pills. He narrowed his eyes at the
labels. His eyes went from the letters to the pills and then he
growled angrily and stood up. Taking the letters to the fireplace, he
leaned over the sleeping Duo to throw them into the flames. He
watched them burn in satisfaction and then he took the pills to the
outhouse. After tossing both bottles down the hole, he brushed his
hands together briskly and returned to his seat at the card table.
Crossing his arms over his chest, he glared at Duo. Heero and Quatre
had insulted him and Duo in those letters. They were both warriors.
They didn't need pills and instructions between them. Instead, Wu Fei
decided, they were going to have an understanding. He waited
patiently for the pilot of Deathscythe to wake up.

***

"If you haven't done it by now..." Trowa said irritably.

"I will not fail," Heero snarled.

"I think Trowa's right, Heero," Quatre said and then, before Heero
could round on him angrily, "but I think I know why you're failing."

They were watching television, Trowa and Quatre on the couch and
Heero stretched out on his stomach at their feet. The detonator lay
before him, balanced on a small couch cushion. After the twentieth
failed attempt, the two boys on the couch had reached the limit of
their patience.

Heero sat up gracefully, muscles rippling under his tank top and
big, steel-toed boots tucked underneath him as if he were ready to
attack someone or something. He eyed Quatre intensely under his wild
hair. "Explain."

"I don't think that you can feel your fingers, Heero," Quatre said.
"I can't think of any other explanation as to why you can't do
something so simple."

Trowa nodded thoughtfully. "You may be right. Heero, give me your
hand." Trowa held out a long fingered hand towards Heero. Heero
reluctantly put his into it. Trowa examined his hand closely. "Hmmm."

"What is it?" Quatre asked anxiously, inching close to see for
himself.

"Thick callouses on his fingertips. Still..." Trowa took his
fingernail and pressed into the tip of Heero's index finger. "Feel
that?" Heero shook his head no, eyebrows raised curiously. "This?"
Trowa moved his fingernail to the back of Heero's hand and pressed in.

Again Heero shook his head no. Trowa tested Heero's palm.

"I feel that, but not well," Heero admitted and then pulled back his
hand with a defeated frown.

"Nerve damage is often a by product of numerous bone breaks," Trowa
told him sympathetically.

"Duo was right," Heero said darkly. "He must have known. He told me
I couldn't learn this."

Heero picked up the detonator, fisted it angrily, and then threw it
hard against a wall. It thumped into the plaster and left a hole. The
two other boys stared after it nervously and then looked back at
Heero, who was standing now and staring hard at nothing. "I'm going
to lose Duo. He needs me to be gentle. If I can't..."

"There is a way," Quatre spoke up daringly. Heero glared at him, not
wanting a false hope. "You just have to do it differently."

"Show me!" Heero demanded.

***

"Duo! This is madness!" Wu Fei backed away from Duo who was holding
his gun in both, shaking hands, eyes all pupil as he advanced on the
Chinese boy.

"You put your stinking hands on me!" Duo shrieked. "Not again! Not
EVER again! I'll kill you first!"

Duo wasn't seeing him, Wu Fei realized. Duo was back in some ugly
memory triggered when Wu Fei had grabbed Duo hard to show him his
strength and to impress on the boy that he wouldn't stand for any...
well, any of this sort of behavior! He had been telling Duo that he
didn't have any sexual attraction to him, didn't want him in any way,
and would prefer that he shut up and leave him completely alone for
the duration of their confinement in the safe house. Unfortunately,
Duo had been just waking up. His groggy mind, as he had hung in Wu
Fei's strong grip, had only registered one word. 'Sex'. If Wu Fei had
ever doubted Duo's skill at hand to hand combat, he didn't now.
Despite his delicate body and his slighter stature, he had disarmed
Wu Fei and put him on the defensive in a matter of seconds.

Wu Fei flipped out his cell phone, changed it to a secure signal,
and dialed the others as he decided on one course of action,
immobility. He froze, taking a steadying, deep breath, and simply
ceased to be a threat. Duo stopped advancing, confused, hovering
somewhere between dream and reality.

"Hello?" Quatre knew better than to divulge his name when he
answered the phone. He waited quietly until Wu Fei replied.

"Quatre. It's Wu Fei!" Wu Fei was relieved. If anyone could get Duo
to calm down is was the blonde Arabian. "Duo's upset. Please... calm
him down!"

An anxious catch of breath on the other end of the line and then
Quatre said, sounding angrier than Wu Fei had ever heard him before,
"You didn't follow our instructions, did you?"

"Calm him down, Quatre!" Wu Fei begged and then held the phone
towards Duo. "Duo. Quatre wants to speak with you."

Duo was even more confused. His hand on the gun was white, trembling
just perceptibly. His eyes stared at the phone. A small voice, Quatre
speaking as loud as he could to be heard, said, "Duo! It's Quatre!
Take the phone! I need to talk with you, please!"

Duo took the phone slowly, stared at it, and then glared at Wu Fei
warningly as he brought it up to his ear.

"Duo!" Quatre said in a hectoring, affectionate matter. "Stop
playing jokes on poor Wu Fei and tell me how things are going? Are
you keeping warm? Did Wu Fei cook you something? If he didn't, I
swear I'll give that man a piece of my mind when he comes back. Can I
talk to you about Trowa? He's been such a sour puss lately and I need
some advice. Do you mind listening to me for a little bit and then
telling me what you think?"

Duo blinked, coming fully awake. He took a deep breath, went to
scratch his nose, and then saw the gun in his hand. He frowned at it
and then looked past it at Wu Fei. When he saw the pale, anxious
Chinese boy, Duo started. He lowered the gun and put on the safety.
He stepped forward to hand it to Wu Fei and then he sat in a chair at
the card table with the phone still at his ear. He gave the pilot of
Nataku an angry glare.

"I don't know what you did, Wu Fei," Duo said, "but now you know not
to do it again." He turned his attention back to the phone and then,
as if nothing had happened, began chatting animatedly with Quatre,
his trade mark smile covering his pixyish face.

The boy was insane! Wu Fei didn't holster the gun. He thought, with
regret, of the pills he had thrown into the outhouse and then went to
stare at the still heavily falling snow. Trapped. For how many days?
Wu Fei looked back at the laughing, smiling Duo. His life was in
danger from that boy, Wu Fei thought, and it was his own fault. A
good warrior followed orders and his pride had made him think that he
knew better. Wu Fei wondered if he was going to pay for his
foolishness with his life.

***

"Thanks Wuffie, this looks great!" Duo sat at the card table and dug
into a plate of fried noodles, beef broth, and sausage.

Wu Fei didn't correct the dishonorable corruption of his name. They
had been trapped in the cabin for a day and half and he had tried
very hard to do something he had never done with Maxwell before, be
pleasant to him. Strangely enough, he wasn't finding it very hard at
all.

"Mfph! Good!" Duo said appreciatively around a mouthful of hot
noodles. They hung out of his mouth as he gingerly slurped them in.
Wu Fei stared and then remembered not to. He found himself smiling
though, as he kept his eyes on his own plate.

Don't be silent, he reminded himself. He had noticed very quickly
that silence to Duo meant that he, Wu Fei, must be planning something
unpleasant. It pricked the boy's paranoia. "Thank you, Maxwell. My
skills in the kitchen are humble, but that recipe is simple."

"Who taught you to cook?" Duo asked, after swallowing. His feet
didn't touch the floor. He was swinging them under his chair, eyes
bright, braid tossed over one shoulder and almost sitting in his
noodles. He looked funny, engaging, very young, and not the least bit
dangerous.

"I observed my mother cooking often," Wu Fei admitted. "When I left
home, I was forced to fall back on my observations and fix my own
meals."

"Ah," Duo took another mouthful, slurped the noodles in
appreciatively and smacked his lips. "Must have been nice, having a
mom and all."

"You were an orphan," Wu Fei remembered. "A thief, you said."

Duo grinned wider, as if it didn't hurt, but Wu Fei saw the shadows
in his amethyst eyes as he said, "Yeah, I had some tough breaks....
prostitution, theft-"

Wu Fei stiffened. "You were a prostitute?"

Duo shrugged. "I did it to survive... at first, but I became real
popular and they forced me to do it, so don't go talking about honor
and all that, 'K?" His voice was sharp and beginning to be dangerous.

Wu Fei couldn't help his curiosity, despite his danger. "How old
were you?"

"Six."

Wu Fei went white with shock. "Six? How could anyone-"

"They could and they did," Duo's hand went to the knife strapped to
his arm. He never took it off. "Stop talking about it, 'K?"

Wu Fei replied softly, trying to diffuse the situation, "Sorry."

Duo slowly smiled and his hand dropped. "Heero doesn't apologize
often. I've NEVER heard you apologize, Wu Fei."

Wu Fei made a small bow, a bending at the waist, full of respect.
"It wasn't my place to ask about your past."

There was a small silence and then Duo said, sounding relaxed now,
"S'okay, Wu Fei. It's strange, ya know, that we don't know much about
each other."

"Yes."

Duo began eating, becoming the laughing boy again, the jester that
Wu Fei now knew was just a mask, a personality he slipped over his
scars like a fancy suit. He talked about... nothing, chattering about
his Gundam, about the weather, about the noodles. Wu Fei replied and
tried to keep up his end of the conversation.

One plate, two plates... Wu Fei came to himself suddenly as he ended
a conversation about shampoo, to notice that he had hardly finished
his food and that Duo had eaten all the rest. Quatre had warned
against....

Duo went green suddenly. "I'm going to be sick!" He raced through
the door of the outhouse and the sounds of him being tremendously
sick floated back to Wu Fei. Wu Fei looked blackly at the empty bowl
of noodles. All gone to waste! Idiot! He said to himself. He didn't
know when they would be able to get out of the cabin and here he was
ignoring instructions again and letting Duo waste their food. When
Duo came back, he couldn't help saying, "What did you do when you
were an orphan and threw up what little food you had?"

Without missing a beat, as he sat down in front of the fire, Duo
replied stonily, "I ate it again."

Wu Fei was almost sick then, too. He clamped his jaw on it. "Sorry,"
he said again.

"That's twice," Duo replied, sounding weak as he stretched out on
the hearth and pulled a blanket over himself. "Maybe I should be
recording them. Nobody is going to believe me."

"When you feel like eating, I'll make you something else," Wu Fei
said.

"Thanks, Wu-man," Duo paused and then said gruffly. "Don't tell
Heero I did that, 'K?"

"Why not?"

"I don't want him to think I can't control myself. It's important to
me, Wu Fei."

"I understand," and Wu Fei did, imaging the critical Heero and how
hard it must be to keep that perfect soldier's respect.

"I-I wish I COULD control myself," Duo said suddenly.

"Do you?" Wu Fei licked nervous lips, not sure how his words would
be received. "I could teach you some techniques that would allow
that, Maxwell."

Duo rolled and sat up. He stared at Wu Fei hopefully. "Like what?"

"Meditation. Relaxing techniques that will calm you when you are
upset..." Wu Fei didn't want to tell Duo that it was his fear that
was causing his violent reactions. That would have been too insulting
when he wanted the pilot's trust.

"Let my stomach calm down first," Duo replied, "then I'll give it a
try."

***

Covered from head to toe in clothing, goggles protecting his eyes,
Heero Yuy shoveled out the last bit of snow from the cabin door.
Panting, sweat running down his body, he forced open the door and
stumbled inside.

Duo and Wu Fei, seated by the fireplace in lotus positions, looked
up without surprise.

"See," Duo said with a smirk. "I told you it was Heero. I knew he
would come after me and not let a little thing like a stabbed leg
stop him."

Heero tossed aside his shovel with a clatter and pulled the door
shut with a bang. The warmth of the cabin hurt his frozen skin as he
began pulling off all of his snow gear and letting them drop at his
feet. His eyes were glaring under his unruly hair as he yanked off
his goggles.

"Duo," he growled simply.

"Heero," Duo responded and stood up. He stretched, lithe as a cat,
and then bounded over to his lover, grinning hugely. He stopped just
short of touching.

Heero pulled off one glove as he stared deeply into Duo's amethyst
eyes. With infinite care, he slowly brought his hand towards Duo's
cheek. When only a breath of air stood between his fingertips and
Duo's skin, he paused for permission.

"Yes," Duo whispered.

Heero took a deep breath and then looked at his fingers. He watched
them intently as he brought those fingertips to Duo's skin. Gently,
he cupped that cheek and caressed it. Duo closed his eyes, sighing.
"Ninmu Kanryou," Heero said in satisfaction. "Mission accomplished."

"How?"

"I can't feel my fingers," Heero explained huskily, as he continued
to watch his own fingers and lightly touch Duo's face, his lips
especially, that soft bud that kissed those fingertips back. "Trowa
diagnosed it. It was Quatre who suggested that I should use my eyes
to calculate when your skin begins to compress with the pressure of
my touch and to determine when that compression causes pain. He
allowed me to practice on him." Duo opened his eyes in concern, but
Heero added, "His bruises will heal. They are all superficial."

Heero's eyes slid past Duo to where Wu Fei was just now getting to
his feet.

Duo was anxious, not knowing what Heero was thinking. He had burst
in on them seated together on the floor. "He was teaching me to
meditate," Duo explained quickly. "He's been just great, cooking,
putting up with me... Not as great as being with you, of course, but-"

"Arigato, Wu Fei," Heero said, cutting Duo off, "but... get out.
Stay in the truck until I tell you otherwise."

Wu Fei looked from Heero to Duo, not certain what was in the pilot's
head. Duo smiled at him, not always a good indication of his mood and
said, "Go on, Wu Fei. Turn up the heat, listen to a few tunes. It's
all right."

"This is not furthering the mission," Wu Fei decided to argue.

Heero glared. "The mission parameters have changed. I will brief you
on the changes."

Wu Fei growled a choice swear word under his breath and stalked out
into the snow and cold. The snowfall had stopped. The sun was
shining. Still, the snow Heero had displaced to reach them was awe
inspiring. Wu Fei walked through the manmade tunnel, the snow almost
shoulder deep in places, and found the truck. Climbing inside, he
shivered as he cranked up the engine and flipped on the heat. He
scowled at the closed cabin door and felt... disappointment?

Wu Fei tried to analyze that feeling. It made him uncomfortable. For
a little while, as Duo had meditated and his face had relaxed, Wu Fei
had just stared at the pilot of Deathscythe, marveling at his beauty,
marveling at the spirit that had overcome such a terrible childhood,
such a terrible youth. The disappointment Wu Fei felt was easily
understandable. Having discovered a bit of gold where he had only
thought to find lead, Wu Fei was finding it hard to turn Duo over to
the imagined iron hard hands and iron hard mind of Heero Yuy.

Duo sighed, "You should have been nicer. He's not such a bad guy."

"If you don't find me acceptable any longer-"

Duo laughed and took hold of Heero's shirt with both hands. He gave
Heero a shake. "Stop that! Wu-Man doesn't have any interest in me. He
doesn't like guys, in case you haven't noticed. I, on the other hand,
do, so... it's been too long, Heero."

Heero stood quietly and nodded. He waited for Duo to make the first
move, just as he always did, keeping his body still. Duo smiled and
looked into his eyes. "You touched me and it didn't hurt," Duo said.
"I trust you to touch me again."

Duo's thin body was shivering from the cold. Heero said, "Let me
make you warm." and he led Duo over to the fireplace. Sinking down
deliberately onto his knees where Duo and Wu Fei had been sitting,
Heero slowly opened Duo's pants. While Duo was still standing, he
nuzzled the braided boy inside of his zipper, tongue darting out and
wrapping around the head of the swelling erection he found there.

Duo tangled his hands into Heero's hair and held on, face contorted
in pleasure, soft mews coming from deep inside of him.

Heero, watching his fingers carefully, began lightly touching Duo's
belly, running up under his shirt to smooth over his soft skin. His
tongue kept up its torment, darting into the hole of Duo's cock and
swirling and lapping up the precum that oozed from it.

Duo shivered now, but not from the cold.

Heero pulled Duo's pants down to his knees. They were in a military
situation, there wouldn't be any getting undressed or prolonged sex.
This was the calm before the storm, a few precious minutes outside of
mission timetables. It was hard for the perfect soldier to remember
that, though, when Duo's cock sprang free and bobbed enticingly
before his face. It made Heero's gut clench and his own cock harden
like a rock. When he swallowed Duo's cock whole and began a rough,
sucking rhythm of up and down movements, Duo's taste, his manly
scent, and his precum set off every hormone inside of Heero. He
'wanted'. He 'needed'. Heero could barely control himself.

Duo was having a similar problem. He suddenly pushed Heero off of
him, but it wasn't because of fear. "Let's get in bed."

"Not enough time," Heero panted as he licked his lips, looking up at
Duo with desperation. He stood up. Duo plucked at his pants, pushed
them down so that Heero's cock was out and standing at aching
attention. Then, Duo paused, uncertain, trying to resolve their
dilemma quickly and in such a way where he didn't feel threatened. He
grinned suddenly.


"Against the wall, fly boy!"

Duo turned Heero to the wall. Heero planted his hands on it and
braced himself, looking over his shoulder as Duo, still grinning,
took hold of his cock and placed it against Heero's entrance. It was
wet with saliva and precum, but Heero knew it might still hurt. He
gritted his teeth as Duo leaned against his bent back, wrapped arms
around his torso, and then suddenly shoved his cock in with several,
short, sharp, hard thrusts. Heero grunted at each one, but he was
used to being uke. He lifted his hips, made the angle easier for
Duo's cock, and then shoved back to get him past the ring of muscles.
That stung more than the rest but, after that, the pain was replaced
by a feeling of being filled, scratched, massaged, and warmed in a
very sensitive place.

"Do it," Heero urged, when Duo paused to let him get used to the
invasion. "Hard. Fast. You want gentleness.... I like it rough."

Duo's laugh tickled his back, "I know it, love. I know. So
different. How can we be in love?"

"We are in love. It doesn't need an explanation," Heero replied
adamantly. "Do it, Little Baka. Show me how much you love me."

Duo laughed again, "I'll do that later. Right now, I just want to
fuck you!"

And Duo did, hard, fast, pelvis slapping into Heero's ass so hard he
made Heero rock forward into the wall. Heero groaned, loving the
thrusting cock deep inside of him, loving Duo's arms around him, and
especially loving when Duo took a firm hold on his erection and began
jerking him off in time to his thrusts.

"Love you!" Duo breathed and kissed the back of Heero's bowed neck
as he groaned and came deep inside of Heero. His hot cum hit Heero's
prostate and Heero came in response, gouting thick cum into Duo's
hand as he cried out and leaned against the wall as if he would faint.

Heero turned and Duo came out of him. They were both dripping with
fluids, breathing hard, and smiling at each other sensually.

"That was... raunchy," Duo breathed. "Sorry to do you like a bitch
in heat, Heero, but it didn't seem like we had time for the face to
face, slow approach. I felt safe with you in that position."

Heero's eyes glittered, "I enjoyed it." He reached out with infinite
care and caressed Duo's cheek. Duo leaned into it, murmuring
appreciatively.

"You don't know how good that feels, Heero, how much I longed for
you to touch me like that," Duo sighed happily. "Maybe, if you touch
me like that enough, and I practice some of Wu Fei's meditation, I'll
learn not to be afraid any more."

"Wu Fei," Heero growled and lowered his hand, jealous again.

Duo looked into his eyes and smiled. "You're the other half of my
soul, Heero. I'm never going to leave you, especially not for Wu Fei.
Trust that."

Heero nodded, once, his blue eyes drowning in Duo's amethyst eyes.

"Again, Baby," Duo begged. "Come on. Touch me tender and then we'll
go blow up some Oz ass."

***Owari***
Go to Part 9: For Love of Shinigami
==========================================

Shinigami's Lover Arc 1: Part 9
Part 9: For Love of Shinigami
by Kracken (signs@screaminet.com)

Disclaimer: I don't own them and I'm not making any money off of
this. If sued I will plead poverty, insanity, and the American
way!... right Duo? Duo: right! (Waves an American flag energetically
and grins)

Warnings: Yaoi (Guys having sex with guys) Duo torture, Heero
torture. Violence Angst. Poor Wuffie's P.O.V.. Language. Sexual
violence. Really big meany OZ guys and nasty Treize.

==========================================

The scrunching of snow and the panting of the weary pilots was the
only sound as they negotiated the rugged landscape.

Heero led the way, despite an injured leg, striding as if his legs
were the pistons in a machine. Tireless, strong, Wu Fei suspected he
could walk forever and not break a sweat.

Duo came next in their loose line, but he was fragile seeming where
the pilot of Wing appeared invulnerable. His breath wheezed, he
shivered and huddled in his coat, and he stumbled repeatedly. Wu Fei
had expected him to collapse some time ago, or at least to have
complained and demanded a rest. Instead, Duo Maxwell had endured. Wu
Fei wondered at what cost to his health.

Wu Fei wasn't bothered by the hike or the cold. He could have passed
up Duo, sneered at the stupid weakling, even told him to go back and
leave the mission to the strong, now that Heero was with them. Common
sense told Wu Fei that, by the time they reached the Oz base, Duo
wasn't going to be in any kind of shape to be effective. Something in
Duo's stiff back prevented him though and Wu Fei had to study those
squared shoulders and that swinging braid for awhile before he
understood his reluctance himself.

They had been snowed in, trapped in a one room cabin for days. In
that Time Wu Fei had come to understand the pilot of Deathscythe
better. Wu Fei had come to understand that Heero's opinion of Duo
mattered more to the braided boy than anything else. He walked
through the snow, ignoring his shortcomings, to keep the respect of
the Perfect Soldier. Wu Fei could understand and honor that.

Would Heero notice? Wu Fei switched his dark gaze from Duo to Heero.
Heero never once looked back to check on the little idiot. It was as
if he didn't exist. He didn't have time for bed partners, that grim
face said clearer than words. Heero Yuy was totally committed to the
mission. Wu Fei knew that the man would sacrifice him and Duo to
accomplish it, to make certain that the Oz base didn't ship any
mobile suits. In that, Wu Fei was in complete agreement. The Chinese
boy was more than willing to do the same.

"Hot coffee." Duo's voice floated back to Wu Fei's ears. "Hot
chocolate. Hot popcorn. A hot sun on a hot beach. You should have
stayed behind, Heero, and arranged all of that for me. Your leg is
bothering you, I can tell. Wu Fei and I can finish the mission fine
on our own."

"If I hadn't dug you out of the cabin, you would still be there
buried in the snow," Heero replied. "I heal quickly. The leg was
sufficiently mended for me to join you on this mission. It will not
hamper my performance."

Duo sighed and he looked upset and worried for a moment, before he
covered it up with his lunatic grin. About Yuy? Wu Fei watched the
pilot of Wing stride ahead of them. He was limping, just perceptibly.
His wound was bothering him and Wu Fei began to curse to himself. He
was partnered with two men who weren't ready for the bomb and run
mission they were faced with. Wu Fei began to feel looming disaster.

***

"Don't," Heero whispered and kept Duo from lying down flat in the
snow when they stopped at the edge of the Oz base. In the cover of a
stand of pine trees, and crouching behind thick brush, they had a
good view of the patrolling soldiers pacing along the base's
perimeter.

Wu Fei pulled out his binoculars, turned on the power lenses, and
scanned the base. He spotted the carriers right away, the transport
for the new mobile suits. Past that was the hanger where the suits
were manufactured; the weapons of the death dealing, oppressive Oz
regime. To allow those suits to be delivered to their destinations,
to allow the wholesale slaughter of civilian and rebel alike by those
metal devils, was unthinkable. The weak had to be protected. Wu Fei
was ready to lay down his life to do that.

Duo was pale. Wu Fei lowered his binoculars and looked over at the
pilot of Deathscythe. Duo was shivering. Duo was clearly paying the
price for the long trek through the mountains and snow. Heero helped
him lean against one of their packs, gave him water he had kept warm
inside of his jacket, and handed him several energy bars. Cold and
efficient, Wu Fei could see that Heero wasn't helping a dear lover,
he was propping up a tool that he needed to compete the mission. His
flat eyes and his grim mouth said that better than words.

"I'm all right!" Duo protested angrily and pushed Heero away from
him. "You worry about your part of the mission and I'll get it
together myself."

Heero accepted that. He left Duo and pulled out a schematic of the
base, going over it as he checked his plan and his route one last
time. Duo huddled against the pack and chewed on his energy bars,
watching him as if he couldn't get enough of Heero Yuy.

Uncomfortable with their relationship still, Wu Fei settled on top
of his pack and prepared himself with a little meditation. They had
to wait for nightfall and they still had at least four hours until
then. After that, they would cut into the fence, split up to set
their bombs, and Duo would hack and sabotage the computer systems. It
would buy them time. Wiping the plans for the mobile suits and all
construction logs wouldn't stop production entirely, but it would
slow it down for months. A war could be won in a handful of months if
an enemy was deprived of critical weapons.

Duo stopped panting. His color returned almost to normal and he
grinned at Wu Fei after an hour of rest. "I wish I had some of your
hot noodles, right now," Duo lamented.

Wu Fei felt a flush of pleasure at the compliment. He hid it with a
gruff sound and a frown as he stood and scanned the Oz base again. It
worried him that several patrols were close to their hiding place. He
began to wonder why. They were stepping up their vigilance as if
something was about to happen that needed protecting. When one of the
transports began firing its engines, Wu Fei swore aloud.

"They're moving early!"

Heero glared. "Just the one transport. There must be some fighting
they feel the need to reinforce with the mobile suits." He shouldered
a pack. "Follow the original plan with Duo. I will take care of that
transport. The resulting confusion will allow you to carry out your
part of the plan more easily."

"They'll lock the place down," Wu Fei disagreed.

"Not if they have a man to chase, an obvious target," Heero replied.
"I'll get into the transport and steal a mobile suit."

Duo looked tense. He began to say something, opening his mouth and
taking in a deep breath, maybe to say how insane the plan was. It
would have been echoing Wu Fei's thoughts. Instead, Duo began to
choke on the transport fumes rolling over them. It wasn't a small,
quiet cough. It was a loud, wheezing, gasping, hacking cough, loud
enough to carry to the patrols.

Wu Fei had Duo's inhaler out of a pack in an instant. He shoved it
into Duo's mouth and set it off. Duo gasped in the medicine and then
choked. That was even louder. Before Wu Fei could react to that,
Heero was grabbing Duo from behind and slapping fingers as strong as
steel over the pilot's nose and mouth. He crouched with Duo. "Watch
the patrols," Heero snapped. Wu Fei pulled out his gun and his
binoculars. He scanned their surroundings hurriedly.

The Oz patrols were very close, but they hadn't heard. The roar of
the transport's engines had saved them. Wu Fei lowered his binoculars
and looked back at Heero. "We're still clear," he whispered and then
started in shock. Heero was still holding Duo across the nose and
mouth. Duo was struggling involuntarily, still trying to cough,
making whimpering choking sounds, but he was also holding his own
hands over Heero's, not to pull them off, but to hold them in place
in case Heero's resolve faltered. Duo was turning blue, his amethyst
eyes very wide and becoming glazed.

"Heero!" Wu Fei hissed, but he didn't move to save Duo. If he did,
if those hands were lowered, Duo would alert the Oz patrol with his
noise. If they were captured before the mission was accomplished,
many people were going to die.

Duo passed out, going limp. Heero held on a moment longer to be
certain and then he released Duo's face, holding the pilot loosely in
his arms as he checked Duo's pulse. The man stared down at Duo with a
blazing intensity, counting heartbeats as Duo's body drew in air with
a rapid hoarse wheeze, but not the loud panicked coughing fit of
before.

Wu Fei tore a piece of cloth from his undershirt. He moved forward
and bent to tie it over Duo's mouth and nose. That would cut the
thick oily jet fuel in the air and, hopefully, keep Duo from having a
repeat attack.

The transport engines revved. Heero was suddenly in motion, He
placed Duo on the ground, on top of a pile of fallen evergreen
boughs. Shrugging off his thick coat, he covered Duo with it. "Leave
him," Heero ordered in a flat tone. "Accomplish the mission." Without
another word, he cut through the fence with a hand beam cutter, and
then began running across the tarmac towards the transport.

Wu Fei bent over Duo. "I can't leave you here," he said to the
unconscious boy. "I need you. I won't be able to place the bombs and
hack the computers in time."

Duo was still blue. His pale skin looked translucent in the fading
evening light. His body looked as if it were on the verge of either
living or dying and hadn't made up its mind yet. Wu Fei couldn't give
it the time to decide. He took up the canteen of water that Heero had
left behind. The water was beginning to freeze. It sloshed with ice
as Wu Fei uncapped it and then poured the ice water onto Duo's face.

Duo started up, his knife coming out and a wild light in his eyes.
Wu Fei jumped back, barely missing getting gutted. "What the fuck-"
Duo gasped, touched the makeshift mask, and then remembered. He
lowered the knife, shivering. "Where's Heero?" He asked in a muffled
voice.

There was a tremendous explosion just then. The ground jumped and
the air vibrated with the force. A piece of shrapnel landed in the
nearby trees.

"Guess that answers my question." Duo tried to get up. Wu Fei put a
hand under his elbow and hauled the boy to his feet. "Let's go."

Wu Fei was amazed. The boy had just nearly died and here he was,
grimly attempting to complete the mission, knowing the stakes,
knowing what had to be done.

Duo staggered, he gasped, he even appeared slightly disoriented, but
he moved when Wu Fei shoved him through the break in the fence and
ran when Wu Fei took a firm grip under his arm and half hauled him
across the tarmac. Foolish, laughing, practical joker Duo Maxwell was
holding his own and Wu Fei couldn't help feeling respect for the
pilot. Wu Fei had never imagined that the boy contained such
dedication and will power. Glancing down at Duo's determined face,
the orange light of the sinking sun highlighting it sharply, Wu Fei
felt something else that was more than respect. It was a deep down,
soul twitching understanding that disturbed him.

"That's my Heero!" Duo gasped as another explosion rocked the
tarmac. Wu Fei looked aside and saw the transport hull peeling like a
banana, flames gouting out and a mobile suit pushing through. All of
the guards were running towards it, leaving their part of the tarmac
free and clear.

They made the hangar. Duo was turning blue again, but he yanked off
his makeshift mask, gasping, wheezing, and shoving Wu Fei away from
him. "Get going! Plant the bombs. I'm going for the computer."

"No," Wu Fei wasn't a fool. "You won't make it. I was wrong to bring
you. Heero was right. He knew your limits. I should have listened. I
will have to attempt both parts of the mission myself."

Duo drew his knife and his ever cheerful face was shocking as it
twisted in fury. "Civilians aren't going to die because of me, Wu-
Man! Don't try and stop me! Plant the bombs. These son-of-a bitch
mobile suits are going down!"

Wu Fei drew his gun and pointed it at Duo's head, saying through
gritted teeth, "I don't have time for this! You are compromising the
mission!"

"They're locking down!" Duo shouted as he backed away. "I have to go
now!"

Duo turned and ran, his braid flying behind him, as he darted
through some steel doors and headed for the main computer systems. He
was moving swiftly as if nothing was wrong. Would his determination
carry him through? Wu Fei couldn't count on it. He hurried to plant
his bombs, ducking and hiding as he avoided Oz personnel and
soldiers. He felt contempt for their stupidity as they ignored every
security precaution and scrambled to get some mobile suits online to
attack Heero.

It took time. Wu Fei sweated, despite the cold, as he planted the
last bomb. The mobile suits, positioned for shipping and shut down,
were now moving and lighting up, frantic soldiers trying to get them
through the hanger doors. Wu Fei had to blow the bombs. There wasn't
time to hack the computer now...or save Duo. He should have listened
to Heero, he swore at himself as he scrambled for the hangar doors,
detonator button grasped in one hand. The pilot of Wing was going to
kill him if the bombs didn't do the job for him.

As Wu Fei cleared the doors, darting under the feet of a mobile
suit, he blew the bombs. The force knocked him down. The rough
surface of the tarmac ripped his clothes and took off skin, but he
was up and running again in seconds, feet flying for the break in the
fence and the security of the trees and the mountainous countryside.

Iron hard hands grabbed Wu Fei and spun him. He found himself facing
Heero, the dark, cold, intense boy that could kill his lover for the
success of a mission. "Where is he?"

Wu Fei was almost hanging In Heero's grip. Dark eyes wide, he
twisted free, stumbled, and tried to speak coherently. "I needed him
to hack the computer."

"He wasn't in any condition to be effective," Heero snarled.

"That didn't matter!" Wu Fei snarled back. "I needed him to try. I
woke him and took him into the hanger. He went to hack the computer,
but he didn't make it back in time."

Heero flipped out a device from his pack. He had burns and he was
covered in soot. His bandaged leg was seeping blood. None of that
seemed to affect him as he looked intently down at the machine in his
hands, watching the tiny, flickering screen. "Mission accomplished...
Duo," he read after a very long moment.

Wu Fei sighed, "Good! Then we are successful."

They both looked back at the Oz manufacturing plant. It was boiling
with flames, some smaller explosions still rocking it. Duo was alive,
and he was in the untouched section, but how he would escape was
another matter.

"Don't return to the truck," Heero said to Wu Fei.

"I know that!" Wu Fei retorted. "The woods and the roads will be
crawling with men looking for us. It will be better if we find a hole
to hide in and wait until the ants go back into their nest."

"Hai," Heero responded. "We will split up and meet at the rendezvous
site. Go."

Wu Fei nodded and began to turn away. He stopped and looked back at
Heero. Heero was moving back towards the base. Wu Fei didn't need to
be stupid and ask what the man was doing. It was obvious he was going
to rescue Duo.

Mission accomplished. It didn't matter what Heero did now. If he
wanted to end his life trying to rescue the stupid, braided boy, that
was his own decision, Wu Fei thought sourly, but deep down he wished
Heero success. The thought of never seeing that maddening grin again,
or even suffering through one of Duo's shameful jokes, bothered Wu
Fei more than he cared to admit.

***

Wu Fei waited two days in a hidden cave, wet with damp and with few
supplies, before he accepted that Heero had failed to rescue Duo. Two
fools in the hands of Oz, he thought angrily; two fools who knew too
many secrets. Heero, Wu Fei never doubted, would keep silent no
matter what. Duo on the other hand...the weak onna would crack, he
was certain. Already ill, the unstable boy wouldn't have a chance
against Oz mental and physical torture. Wu Fei checked his gun and
his bullets and then gathered his things. The mission wasn't
completed after all and it was up to him to finish it.

Finding an Oz soldier Wu Fei's size proved to be difficult. He spent
more time than he wanted isolating his victim and then neatly
incapacitating him before divesting him of his clothes. Hiding his
pony tail under his pill box cap, he drew himself up importantly and
strode into the Oz manufacturing plant with an icy calm.

He was pleased by all the chaos still evident from their attack. The
plant was definitely down and the mobile suits were too damaged to
reinforce the murdering Oz troops currently threatening the freedom
and peace of the people of Earth. By the looks of the demoralized
troops, and the sloppy manner in which they were trying to clear away
the damage, the factory wouldn't be a threat again any time soon.

"Fools!" Wu Fei growled in contempt as no one questioned him or
prevented him from gaining access to the plant's computer systems.
There wasn't even a security lock to hack. No wonder Duo had been
able to accomplish his mission even as bad off as he had been, Wu Fei
thought. A child could have tottered in and done the same!

The main computer that held all of the manufacturing information was
toast. Duo had uploaded his virus successfully. General information
on personnel, supply service, and layout of the factory were still
intact. Wu Fei sorted through files and sections, hacked through a
few passwords, and then found the location of the prisoners...
rebels: cells: rebel designation: 1, cell A12. rebel designation: 2,
cell 6. Status: rebel 1: interrogation. rebel 2: cell A12.

Statistics on the rebels streamed down underneath. Mode of
interrogation... Wu Fei winced at the graphic descriptions. Results:
0. Injuries and physician's diagnosis, treatment, and
recommendations...

Wu Fei raised a black eyebrow. Someone had treated Duo's pneumonia
damaged lungs, something the pilots hadn't been able to do, hospitals
and top-notch physicians having been out of the question. Duo and his
long braid were too easily recognizable to chance checking him in as
a patient. But, giving with one hand, the Oz physician had taken back
with the other. A list of mood enhancers, depressors, and insidious
medications had been administered to both pilots. One pilot had been
treated for burns and then treated for damage inflicted on the
healing burns during interrogations. He had also been treated for
concussion and contusions. The other pilot had been treated with
tranquilizers, a broad spectrum antibiotic, and given treatment
for...Wu Fei shivered involuntarily. He blinked fiercely and his
hands turned into fists. He punched up the security codes and then
shoved the computer off of the desk with a crash. Men were going to
pay, Wu Fei thought furiously, there would be justice.

***

There was a familiar laugh. Wu Fei stiffened and hugged the shadows
as two men passed him by. He had been slowly making his way to the
detention cells, painstakingly using a combination of brashness and
stealth to reach a point just outside of the detention block. It was
the last place he had thought to run into such important men.

Treize Kushrenada and Zechs Marquis were speaking to each other as
they walked slowly down the hallway. They were easy with one another,
the familiarity of long companionship that didn't recognize the
difference in their rank. They spoke humorously, but the topic of the
conversation froze Wu Fei's blood and then made it boil.

"I didn't know that Gundam pilots were so fragile," Treize sighed.
"I had him cleaned and brought to my quarters. I had him stripped,
perfumed, and oiled. I placed him on a sumptuous bed of roses and
embroidered cushions. His hair, my dear Zechs, was like dark amber,
and it spread out like a rippling waterfall all about him. His body
was scarred, but it was still like porcelain...perfection. When I
tasted him, he was sweeter than honey."

"Until he began screaming and tried to murder you," Zechs chuckled.

Treize replied angrily, "He wasn't properly tranquilized. He came
around just as I was plunging into his soft heat."

"He didn't appreciate being set out beneath you like a fine piece of
art?"

"No," Treize said, obviously still frustrated over the incident. "He
bit me twice before I was able to beat him unconscious. He wasn't the
same after that. You saw him. Like an animal. Wild. Violent.
Completely mad. I suspended interrogations. Only a fool would trust
anything extracted from him now. The other pilot though, he may break
yet. He's a cool one, very dedicated to his cause, but all men have a
breaking point. I'm sorry I found the long haired one's breaking
point and passed it before I realized it."

"When you are through with your interrogations, I think a public
execution would be effective in injecting fear into the rebel forces."

"I agree."

They turned a corner and passed out of hearing. "Justice, my
Nataku!" Wu Fei breathed harshly, "Duo will have it!"

Wu Fei began to turn and proceed down the hallway, but he ran
straight into a hard body. He grunted as steel fingers dug into his
arms down to the bone. Wu Fei found himself looking into Heero's
murderous, blue eyes.

"Why did you say that?" Heero demanded in a deadly tone. He had a
black eyes and lumps evident all over his face. His lips were cut and
swollen. He was wearing a drab jumpsuit of grey and brown with a
matching, thick jacket over it, the uniform of a mechanic. If he was
trying to blend in as Oz personnel, he was failing miserably, Wu Fei
thought.

"Treize Kushrenada raped Duo," Wu Fei replied in anger and disgust,
not understanding the impact that news would have on Heero, Duo's
lover. "He is dishonorable. A dog! He shall die like a dog! I will
make certain of that!"

Heero went white, his eyes trembled and went moist. His grip ground
bones together and Wu Fei gasped. He couldn't name the expression on
Heero's face. He had never seen Heero express any emotion. This one
was outside of Wu Fei's experience. It was great loss, the darkness
of utter despair, and a vicious, killing rage all rolled into one,
yet it was even more than that and Wu Fei was stunned.

"I've lost him," Heero said in a very low voice.

Wu Fei misunderstood. "He isn't dead! We can still find him and make
our escape. I know his cell number."

"An almost impossible mission," was Heero's reply to that, still in
that dead quiet voice.

"But, you escaped! That means it is possible!" Wu Fei argued.

"They thought that I was unconscious and became careless. They left
me with one guard while they went to have coffee."

"Fools!" Wu Fei swore.

Heero nodded numbly and began to walk away. "I will make the
attempt. If I fail, I will make certain that Oz pays and that Duo
doesn't suffer further."

"You already failed once," Wu Fei responded as he followed. "I will
guard your back and give you support. You need my help."

"Don't get in my way," was Heero's cold response.

Wu Fei nodded and the moved along the hallway stealthily. Why was he
was risking his life? Wu Fei was uncertain of the answer, except that
the thought of never seeing Duo again, of leaving him for Treize to
toy with, made his heart go as cold as Heero's eyes.

***

Heero Yuy sat on the couch of the safe house, staring at the wall,
face as dark as the bottom of a well, eyes dead to everything. It was
the old Heero Yuy, Wu Fei thought from his position in a chair near
the crackling fireplace. This was the Heero Yuy before Duo, the one
who turned himself off like a machine between missions and did
nothing but wait for his next assignment.

Quatre came down the stairs with a tray, a towel thrown over one
shoulder. The pensive, blonde Arabian walked over to Heero. The man
didn't acknowledge his presence. "I gave him another dose of
tranquilizers," Quatre announced. "Trowa doesn't think we can keep
the dosage that high for much longer. He... He isn't getting any
better Heero. Trowa thinks that I should call one of my sisters...
she works... well, she works with the mentally ill on L1. She may be
able to find a safe institution sympathetic with the rebels."

"No," Heero said, biting out the word. "He knows too much."

"Heero...," Quatre bit his lip for a moment, choosing his words
carefully before proceeding. "He thinks he's six years old and in a
whore house. He-He doesn't remember being a Gundam pilot. He accepts
my help, I'm smaller than him, unthreatening. He seems to think I'm
another whore. Still, he starts screaming if I touch him too much. I-
I guess the other whore's used to-to," Quatre choked on the words and
couldn't get them out. He fiddled with the tray, cleared his throat,
and blinked rapidly as he finished. "I can't help him, Heero. I don't
know how... Trowa doesn't know how, either. We can't just leave him
up there and drug him until the war is over. If you could go up
there, speak to him maybe, he might-"

"No," Heero replied and his face went even more cold and remote. "Oz
killed Duo. That person upstairs isn't him. He won't know me. He'll
just think I'm a 'customer'."

Quatre became angry, his blue eyes fierce. "Why are you giving up on
him, Heero! I thought you loved Duo!"

Heero's hands turned into fists. He couldn't express what he was
feeling, Wu Fei realized. Quatre was torturing him, hoping that Heero
could perform a miracle. Wu Fei knew better. He didn't deal with
fantasy. Quatre hadn't seen what he and Heero had when they had
killed the guards and opened Duo's cell door.

Wu Fei looked down at his tea and his history book, trying to shut
out the memory. It didn't work. The images invaded even his sleep, he
didn't have a chance against them now.

Duo had made too much noise in his rape and drug induced delirium.
The guards had silenced him, brutally. There had been blackening red
smears on the metal floor leading up to the huddle of creamy skin and
tumbled arms and legs that had been Duo Maxwell. His clothes half off
of him, he had been wide eyed, whimpering over and over again, still
pathetically trying to pull his body along the floor to get away from
his now dead tormentors.

Duo hadn't recognized him. When Wu Fei had spoken to him gently,
tried to get the boy's clothes back on so that they could escape, Duo
had cried terrible things, things a brutalized child might say,
begging, pleading, whimpering to be left alone. It had cut straight
through Wu Fei and had shaken him to the core. Heero... Heero had
stared and repeated, "I've lost him," and then Wu Fei had understood.
That terrified child upstairs wasn't Duo Maxwell any more. Oz had
effectively killed Duo.

When Heero continued to say nothing, Quatre gritted his teeth
angrily and stormed past him into the kitchen. Wu Fei heard the slam
of the tray onto a counter and the rattle of dishes, then he heard
the water go on and the sound of Quatre washing those dishes. Almost
imperceptibly, Wu Fei could hear the pilot of Sandrock sobbing. Weak
onna, Wu Fei wanted to growl out, but he didn't. Quatre and Duo had
always been close friends, but it had probably been the blonde
Arabian's gentle nature that had allowed him to get close when
everyone else had failed to.

"You're going to kill him, aren't you?" Wu Fei asked Heero matter-of-
factly, not even looking up from his tea and his book.

"Undecided," Heero replied, which told Wu Fei just how much Heero
loved Duo. Having watched him shove a gun into the mouth of one of
Duo's guards and calmly use it as a silencer as he had pulled the
trigger, had given Wu Fei a taste of Heero's abilities as an
executioner. Cold, emotionless, lacking in regret... That he couldn't
kill Duo as calmly, spoke volumes for his true feelings. It bothered
Wu Fei. He had been taught that such relationships were not correct.
He was much more comfortable believing that Heero and Duo's
relationship was only that of close comrades. The present situation
was making that belief impossible to sustain.

Wu Fei calmly put his tea and book aside. Heero didn't acknowledge
him as he made his way up the stairs and into the room Duo and Heero
shared. Stopping just inside the door, he leaned against the frame,
arms crossed over his chest, and studied the figure in the bed not
far away.

Duo was on his side, hands tucked up to his face, chewing on a bit
of his blanket nervously. His eye were wide and childish, purple
wells of pain and suffering. His long braid was a mess, tangled and
knotted about him. He wouldn't let anyone touch it, even though it
was caked with blood. Bruises, cuts, gashes. The Oz guards had been
very cruel to that pixie-like face, but not as cruel as they had been
to his body.

"Not me," Duo said in a small, lost voice. "Not me, not me, not me.
Go 'way! Go 'way!" He shuddered and sobbed, clutching at his braid
now and pressing it to his face as if it were the only secure thing
left to him.

Duo wasn't acting as if he were tranquilized, but Wu Fei knew what
he was like when he wasn't. On the way to the safe house, they had
tied him and gagged him. He had screamed and fought against them
until he had fainted, complicating his rescue. More than once, as Oz
soldiers had searched for them, Wu Fei had seen Heero put his gun to
Duo's head, determined not to let the boy be captured and tortured
again. It had only been sheer luck, and the still disorganized Oz
personnel, that had allowed them to get away safely.

Looking at the tortured soul in the bed, Wu Fei began to wonder if
death would have been preferable for the braided boy. What was he
now, but a confused child waiting for his next rapist to arrive, too
terrified to live any sort of life. As a pilot, he was now useless,
all of his skill, all of his determination and willingness to die to
free the Earth and Outer Space from the evil of Oz, lost. They
couldn't afford a loss like that, Wu Fei thought, ignoring the deeper
emotion that said, 'I can't afford a loss like that.'

Wu Fei went quietly to the bedside. He looked down at Duo and Duo
looked up at him, wide, amethyst eyes feverish and frightened. His
pupils were dilated, partly from the drugs, but mostly from his
mind's withdrawal from reality. Even bruised and cut, face ravaged by
his madness, he was a beautiful young man. Wu Fei could see why the
impeccable sensualist, Treize Kushrenada had found him too hard to
resist.

"You'll do as I say," Wu Fei said forcefully, as adult and
commanding as he could manage. Duo cringed in on himself. "You'll do
everything I say. Obey and I won't touch you, understand?"

Hopeful, so hopeful, that expression that Duo turned on him. He
trembled, distrustful too, nothing in his childhood having convinced
him to trust his fellow man. "Whatever you say," Duo replied eagerly.
"'K, mister, tell me- tell me what to do."

Wu Fei's stomach clenched in nausea. He willed it not to and it
loosened. That was, in essence, what he intended to teach Maxwell if
he could. Control. Control over the mental demons raging inside of
him.

"Close your eyes," Wu Fei commanded. Duo tentatively complied. "Now,
imagine a white wall as tall as the sky and wider than the world."

Duo frowned in childish concentration. "'K, mister."

Wu Fei waited a moment, made certain Duo, no, the child, was doing
as he asked and not just drifting with the drugs. "Now," he continued
at last. "Imagine stepping into that wall of white." When the child
nodded, Wu Fei continued again. "Now, inside the wall, you are
surrounded by white. No sound can reach you. No touch. No harsh word.
No harsh hand. No violence of any kind. You are safe. You are
secure." his words were lulling, monotonous, hypnotizing. The child
was visibly relaxing, mouth slightly open, brows crinkled almost
imperceptibly as he fell under Wu Fei's spell.

"Nothing?" the child asked hopefully.

"Nothing," Wu Fei assured him.

The child was mesmerized by the image in his head. Wu Fei let him
drift in it, waited for that crinkled brow to smooth out before he
continued.

"Duo?" Wu Fei called as gently as he could.

"Yeah?" Duo's voice. A young man's voice, not a child's.

"Keep your eyes closed," Wu Fei told him.

"'K."

"This is your haven, your center, your home within yourself," Wu Fei
explained. "Whenever you feel afraid, come here, step inside, and let
the peace and the serenity of this nothingness bring your mind calm."

"It's nice," Duo said, but then he frowned again. "But I don't want
to stay."

Wu Fei was surprised. He had, within himself, a place just like the
one he had just created for Duo, a mental safe house that he could
slip in and out of at will whenever stresses became too much.
Sometimes, when stresses were particularly great, he never wanted to
leave it

"Lonely. Cold." Duo said sleepily and his hands covered his eyes,
rubbed at them, trying to bring himself out of the trance Wu Fei had
induced in him. "Where's Heero? I need Heero. I don't want to be
alone or cold."

"You're not afraid of him?" Wu Fei was surprised again.

Duo smiled, lazy and warm, as he burrowed into the blankets and
curled up as neat as a cat. "Heero understands."

Wu Fei puzzled over that statement, but didn't want to test that
tenuous hold on reality he had just forged for Duo.

"Can I come out now?"

"Out?" Wu Fei came back to himself, blinking at Duo.

"Out of the wall. I feel sad here. Lonely. Cold. I don't want to
stay."

"No," Wu Fei replied. "You're not ready yet."

"Yes, I am."

Wu Fei knew better. "No, you are not."

Duo's face went ugly. "I'm going to kill you! I'm going to kill all
of you! Nobody is going to put their filthy hands on me again!"

Wu Fei hadn't been fooled by Duo's seeming 'recovery'. The child had
gone back into memory, but the unstable young man was a volcano of
hate; a killer wanting revenge. Wu Fei took a deep breath, bracing
himself as he began to do battle with Shinigami.

***

Heero stood in the doorway, face expressionless, but eyes going at
once to the boy in the bed, the one propped up on pillows looking
like his nickname.

"He wants to talk to you." Wu Fei looked almost as bad as Duo. He
had spent a sleepless night with the pilot of Deathscythe, sparring
mind to mind, cutting open emotional and mental wounds and then
healing them. It wasn't a complete success, not in one night, but Duo
had come a long way from planning psychotic murder. Wu Fei had helped
him find an eye in the center of his storm, a calm place in which to
sort out the pain and the madness.

"Duo or..." Heero didn't know how to put his question into words.

"Duo," Wu Fei replied. "I helped him with some relaxing techniques
and some meditation. He still isn't stable, but he can function now,
I think, and hear sense."

Heero made a small grunt and then slowly approached the bed. Duo
turned his head to watch his approach. "Hey, Heero," Duo whispered.
"Guess you know what happened?"

"Hai," Heero said, short and sharp.

"Wuffie's been great," Duo said and plastered on sickly, cheeky
grin. "He, uh, put some of my marbles back in the bag for me, if ya
know what I mean?"

"Hai."

"I can," Duo coughed. Heero reached over, took a plastic cup from
the nightstand, and handed it to Duo. Duo drank the water inside,
wiped at his mouth with a trembling hand and then continued. "I can
fight, Heero. Don't count me out. Now, I have another reason to want
to bust Oz ass!"

"Hai."

"Our relationship is toast, though, you realize that?" Duo whispered
and Wu Fei almost didn't hear it. "I can't- They messed me up bad,
Heero." His voice trembled and then and he clenched his hands into
the blanket, but he forced himself to continue. "Square one.
Understand?"

"Hai."

"Might as well call it quits..."

Heero said nothing, he just stared at Duo so intensely that Wu Fei
frowned, thinking of the gun and Heero's willingness to put Duo out
of his misery. Duo read something else entirely in that look. Duo was
incredulous. He blinked, slapped a tear from his eye, and looked away.

"Yea, well, get out and let me get some rest," Duo said roughly and
jerked up the blankets as he settled into the bed. "I still feel like
an Oz soldier's boot is still stuck in my gut." Wu Fei could see the
blanket tremble. Duo was crying and he didn't want anyone to see.

"Hai," Heero replied, turned on his heel, and started past Wu Fei.

Wu Fei dared and caught Heero by the elbow. "You're leaving him,
now?" he couldn't help the anger in his voice. Duo was vulnerable.
The stupid onna needed reassurance, patience, and yes, Wu Fei
admitted to himself, love; Heero's kind of love. That the man would
risk sending Duo back over the edge by rejecting him now-

"No," Heero replied coldly and pulled away from Wu Fei.

"No? You are not rejecting him?"

"No," Heero repeated.

"Then tell Duo that!" Wu Fei demanded. "He needs to know-"

Heero turned those cold, intense eyes on Wu Fei, but they weren't so
cold any longer. There was a flame deep in their depths, a passion
that even the Perfect Soldier couldn't hide from the Chinese boy as
he replied, "Duo understands me."

Heero left then and Wu Fei looked back at the bed. Duo was nearly
asleep, exhausted by the night long session with his Chinese master
and the leftover effects of the drugs. Still, the boy had enough
energy to murmur something, half a word, half a sigh of contentment,
"Heero."

Wu Fei turned away and felt a stab of... jealousy? That their
relationship could bridge even that divide of mental trauma astounded
Wu Fei. What did he have compared to that? A cold Gundam, the colder
spirit of Nataku, and the frigid, silent 'safe place' inside of
himself that was colder still. He had found it comforting, but Duo
had called it lonely.... and it was. It brought calm and peace, but
it didn't have comforting arms and the warmth of love. His dead wife
was all he had ever wanted in human companionship and, after her
death, her spirit had made him not want for the lack of it... until a
braided, amethyst eyed pilot had wormed himself into the place
reserved only for her and made Wu Fei long for something other than
cold Gundanium around himself.

Wu Fei left the room, closing the door quietly behind him on a room
full of possibilities and roads not taken. The spirit of Nataku
laughed at his weakness, his foolishness, and warned him that he was
close to being unworthy of her. Wu Fei sighed and agreed.

Reaching his room, Wu Fei sank down onto the floor, cross legged on
a cushion, and meditated, reaching that almost euphoric level of
consciousness where he could feel Nataku all around him. It was a
quiet, peaceful, and orderly place, free of bodily needs and wants.
In that place, he was with his Nataku and... Nataku understood him.

Owari

Kracken: OH! OH! Review me, Please! I am sooo needy! (big chibi 
eyes).
Wu Fei: Yes, reward the silly onna! She gave me P.O.V. in a fic!

Go to Part 10: The True Enemy

==========================================
Shinigami's Lover Arc 1: Part 10
Part 10: The True Enemy
by Kracken (signs@screaminet.com)

Disclaimer: I don't own them and nobody pays me for this so leave me
alone you big meanies!
Warning: Guys having sex with guys. Violence. Angst. Box of kleenex
a necessity. Mention of rape. Bad language. Do Da Do Da. Yadda,
Yadda, Yadda. IT'S GRAPHIC! There, now that I warned you, stop
complaining to me that you didn't know. I thought the nc-17 rating
was enough, but I guess it wasn't.

Duo: Zechs and Trieze were out of character in the last fic.
Kracken: Duh!
Duo: They just wouldn't do that to me! Stick to the script!
Kracken: Oh, okay, have it your way. I just needed some handy bad
guys. Gomen.
Duo: You had better be sorry, you bad thing you, now, on with the fic!

==========================================

Quatre pushed the plate of herbed potato pancakes across the table.
It scraped along the rough wood. "More, Duo?"

Quatre backed up, wiping his hands on his waist apron. Duo watched
him tensely as he reached out and pulled the plate towards himself.
"Thanks, Q-man. These are good. What are they again?"

"Well, it's just fried potato dough with some herbs. Griddle cakes
or pancakes, I suppose," Quatre replied as he turned back to the
stove.

"Nah," Duo protested. "Pancakes are fluffy and you poor syrup and
butter all over 'em! These are different."

"These are actually good for you," Quatre explained as if he
expected an unpleasant reaction at that news. He wasn't disappointed.

"Good for me?!" Duo growled. "Breakfast is supposed to be sugary and
fun, Quat, not serious and good for me."

Quatre braced his Space Heart and broached the subject he had been
dreading at last. "Uh, well, Duo, you need your strength. We're going
to be moving to another safe house. We've been here too long. Oz will
pinpoint our location soon just by vectoring all of our latest
strikes. You know that."

Duo's grin was gone and so was his false good humor. "Moving?"

"Up into the North Woods," Quatre explained. "It's a good place to
hide our Gundams and it has an eagle's eye view of several Oz
installations in the valley nearby." He swallowed and kept wiping his
hands on his apron nervously. "Heero's meeting us there."

"I thought he was staying solo," Duo replied, stiffly, ducking his
head so that his brown bangs hid his distressed eyes. "After- after
we talked, after I told him how things had to be between us, he
just.... pulled back and shut me out. He was there, but, he wasn't.
Ya know what I mean?"

"You wouldn't let anyone near you," Quatre reminded him, as if he
had to. The last few weeks had been rough on everyone, not only
Heero. "You screamed, had nightmares, threw things and shouted abuse
at anyone who came within ten feet of you. Even now, you're up early
having breakfast alone because you can't let anyone near you...,"
Quatre faltered, "except me, and that's only because I'm the only one
smaller than you. You think you can handle me."

"I've always trusted you," Duo sighed as he ran his hands over his
shadowed face. "You aren't like a regular guy. You're more like a-"

"If you are going to say what I think you are, just don't!" Quatre
growled.

Duo smiled shakily. "Uh, well, you're gentle and I know you don't
want... that... from me. Is that better?"

Quatre nodded, but he was very serious now too. "You haven't talked
about what happened at that Oz manufacturing plant... maybe, if you
talked about it with me, now, before anyone else comes down. It might
make you feel better. "

Duo openly sneered. "Feel better? I was rutted on by an Oz general
and then smeared into the floor by two guards afterwards because I
was-I was upset about it. What's there to talk about? All of my
childhood wounds, that Heero carefully stitched up and healed, were
ripped open by them. Then they rubbed salt into them to boot so that
they would never heal! Talking about it won't ever make me feel
better Quatre!"

There was a long silence and then Duo plastered on his grin again
and asked cheerfully, "More pancakes?"

"No, you've had enough," Quatre replied shakily, his space heart
aching, as he fended Duo's hands away from the plate reserved for the
other pilots. "If you have more, you know what will happen. It'll
just be a waste."

Duo, the starving street child, looked out of Duo the pilot of
Deathscythe's eyes, ready to fight for his food. It passed just as
quickly and Duo was standing up, letting Quatre take the food away
from him.

"See," Quatre observed with a smile. "Things aren't as bad as you
think. Four days ago, you tried to fight me for the buttered toast.
If you'll let me take pancakes away from you..."

"Ah, but they're 'good for you' pancakes, Q-man," Duo replied and
managed a genuine smile in return. "I'd fight you for the 'real'
kind."

Quatre laughed, but his laughter stopped when he heard Trowa and Wu
Fei talking as they approached the kitchen. The look of wild fear
that engulfed Duo's good humor was painful to see.

Duo darted out of the kitchen, Quatre and conversation forgotten, as
he raced to get back to the place he had made his safe haven, his
bedroom. When he reached it, it wasn't enough to lock the door. He
crawled under the bed and huddled into a ball of misery as he
shivered with fear and agonized over his coming reunion with Heero.

Duo knew that Heero still loved him and that Heero still wanted to
be with him. That look the pilot of Wing had given him several weeks
ago hadn't been a rejection, but an acceptance of the messed up
individual that Duo had become and was likely to stay. Duo had cried
for almost an hour but, in the end, he hadn't blamed Heero for
leaving a few days afterwards. He hadn't even been able to let the
man come within five paces of him without screaming. That wasn't a
relationship, that was Hell!

Huddled under the bed, shaking like a leaf, Duo was glad that Heero
couldn't see how much he had fallen apart. To know that they would
soon be together again... Duo resolved to keep the distance between
them. He couldn't allow Heero to witness his weakness, his madness,
and his inability to control himself. Duo wept at the decision,
feeling his world and his life crumple up and blow away.

Downstairs, Quatre paused as he served Trowa and Wu Fei their
pancakes. He dropped the plate and began to weep, his hand grasping
at his space heart as the plate broke with a resounding crash!

***

"No one is going to touch you, Duo," Quatre said for the hundredth
time as Duo shivered and huddled in the front seat of the S.U.V.
Quatre was driving. Wu Fei and Trowa were seated in the back, keeping
as still and silent as possible, but when joints and muscles needed
relief and they were forced to move, Duo started each time and
clamped down hard on a reflex that would have had him screaming and
throwing himself out of the window.

"We have a long way to go, Maxwell," Wu Fei said suddenly in
exasperation. "We can't travel the entire way like this."

The Gundams had already been moved. Deathscythe had been piloted by
Quatre and Duo hadn't been able to pull himself together enough to
protest. Moving Duo himself had been left until last. Quatre had
suggested he drive alone with the pilot of Deathscythe, but the
others had refused. Trowa especially had worried about Duo becoming
violent.

Duo had shuddered at Wu Fei's voice, curling up into a ball and
putting his hands over his head as if not seeing anything could stop
him from being hurt. When Wu Fei's voice came again, Duo was nearly
on the verge of losing himself.

"Take deep breaths, Duo," Wu Fei ordered. "In... do it! Breathe in!
Breathe in, Duo!" Wu Fei's voice snarled commandingly, not to be
denied. Duo found himself helplessly doing what he was told.
Helpless. That's exactly how he felt and it was the root of his
troubles and the canker in his soul. No matter what he did, Duo
believed, no matter how he fought, or how he ran, he was always going
to be caught, controlled, and used.

"Again!" Wu Fei snarled. "In, now out, in, out, in, out! Trowa began
to protest, but Wu Fei ignored the tall boy. "Again," Wu Fei repeated
and his voice softened. "Again," softer. "Again," even softer, his
voice becoming gentle and taking on a monotonous hypnotic tone.

Duo breathed in and out until his head swam and he became close to
hyperventilating. It gave him a slight, euphoric rush, flooding his
overloaded nerves and strangely distracting him from the focus of his
terror. He drifted, and, for a brief moment, he could only think of
his breathing and his spinning head. In that moment, Wu Fei spoke
again.

"Remember the wall, Duo? The white wall as tall as the sky and as
wide as the world? Step into it. It's a safe place, silent, numb, a
center of stability when all else is confusion."

Duo's frantic mind heard the word 'safe' and it darted for that
imaginary wall and slipped inside, like a wild animal darting for
freedom. It was freedom. It enveloped Duo's mind. He filled it with
the whiteness, with the imaginary quiet, and he did feel safe.

"Duo?"

Duo started, unfolding and gripping a hand on his knife hilt.
Looking wildly around, he was surprised to find himself alone in the
S.U.V. The passenger side door was wide open. Snow was falling
gently. It was very cold. Quatre stood three yards away and called
Duo's name again.

"Duo? We're here."

He had actually slept! Duo hadn't had a decent night's sleep since
his capture by Oz. He couldn't help feeling grateful to Wu Fei. It
seemed the Chinese boy wasn't as much of a bastard as he had always
thought. Their time in the cabin, his rescue, and the meditation
therapy at the last safe house had shown Duo a side of Wu Fei that he
could definitely call 'friend'... if he hadn't been terrified by the
very thought of the man coming anywhere near him.

Duo unwound from his cramped position in the seat. Muscles and
joints protested. Half healed wounds from his interrogation, rape,
and brutal beating by Oz stabbed and pulled with pain. He was a
disaster, a broken pile of shit that was quickly freezing over in the
cold. He wasn't anything anyone could love. He couldn't love himself.
He hated himself, hated his weakness, hated his fear. If Heero still
loved him... well, Duo thought bitterly, he would end up hating Heero
too, hating the pilot of Wing for stooping so low when he could have
so much better.

"Duo, please come inside," Quatre called anxiously.

'Inside' was a ramshackle house set back in a stand of trees.
Mountains, clouded with snow, were all around it. Smoke puffed from a
fireplace and the building looked to be two stories tall. Quatre
always picked the safe houses and he liked large buildings, even
though they were a bitch to keep warm or cool and they were usually
ready to collapse. He liked being able to give each pilot their own
room. It helped keep down tensions among such opposing personalities.
With Duo in the state he was, it was now a necessity.

Duo slid out of the seat, out of the S.U.V. and onto the ground with
one hand on the door. That one hand was all that kept his legs from
going out from under him. Quatre instinctively made a very large
mistake. He darted forward to catch Duo as the pilot's boots slipped
on a patch of ice.

Duo didn't see the kind, caring face of the blonde Arabian, he
didn't hear Quatre's exclamation of concern, and his mind didn't
register that the young man was only trying to keep him from banging
his head against the rocky, snow covered ground. Duo only saw the
hands, only felt their threat as they gripped his coat hard and
hauled at him to support his weight. Duo had his knife out in an
instant and he was slashing at Quatre's throat before the blonde
could react.

An iron hard hand closed on Duo's wrist. With a negligent flick, it
sent the knife flying from Duo's hand while Quatre, his blue eyes
wide, slithered in the same patch of ice to get away. He landed hard
on his rump and then just stared up in shock at Duo as the pilot of
Deathscythe began to scream and thrash in the new arrival's grip.

"Why did you allow him to keep his knife?" Heero demanded of Quatre.

"It-it made him f-feel safer," Quatre stammered, coming to terms
with how closely he had just come to dying.

As if Duo were a small child, Heero grabbed both of his wrists and
dragged him, screaming and braid flying, into the safe house. Quatre
slowly found his footing and followed anxiously.

"Let go, you fuck!" Duo was screaming. "Let go! Let go! I'll kill
you if you don't let go!"

Trowa and Wu Fei were both stunned. They had been putting their gear
into order when Heero burst in with his burden. When Quatre followed
close behind, looking dishelved and bruised, Trowa was furious. "I
warned you Quatre! I warned you that he wouldn't know you if he had a
fit."

Heero ignored them as he went straight up the flight of worn stairs,
chose the first bedroom he came to, and then carried Duo into it. A
rough sheet and blanket were on a narrow bed. Heero tossed Duo down
onto it and the boy barely had time to bounce before Heero was
turning and heading for the doorway again.

Duo was a ball of erupting, screaming, insane fury. "Stay away from
me. I hate you! Do you hear me! I don't want you near me ever again,
not any of you!"

Duo wept, slammed fists into the wall, into the headboard, into the
floor, before collapsing on the bed again, his inner demons quieting
at last. His knuckles were scraped raw, swollen and bleeding from the
blows. His injuries were aching and stabbing him viciously, warning
him that he had stressed the stitching there. Pulling the pillow
towards him, he determined to fall face down into it and smother
himself. A small box, no bigger than the end of Duo's finger, stopped
him.

Duo stared at the box, eyes swollen from crying and his own
throbbing headache. It seemed forever before curiosity won over the
urge to crush the box and fling it out of his way. It was
significant, that box, his mind told him as it began to reason again.
At last, Duo gingerly opened it.

Duo blinked and then felt chagrin, anger, sorrow, depression, and
then weary acceptance as he pulled out a small, pink note. The words
on it were in black and written in a delicate script. A slight smell
of cologne hung on it; masculine, heady. The note read, 'You may cut
my heart into a thousand pieces, but every piece will still love
you.' Under the tiny note was a golden heart charm nestled in a piece
of white silk trimmed in gold.

Duo ran to the door. He flung himself out of the room and to the
stair railing. Leaning over, face wild and running with tears, he
looked down at the other young men gathered below him who were
sorting out the supplies.

"Heero!" Duo shouted.

They all looked up, but Heero was the only one who looked as if he
knew what was coming. His face was set like granite and his eyes were
cobalt, blue wells of misery as Duo crushed the box, the note, and
the gift in both hands and then flung them over the railing at Heero.
"You were just a good fuck, Heero Yuy! I never loved you! Get a clue
and stay out of my life!"

Heero stepped forward and caught the crushed gift in one hand before
it could land on the wooden floor. He stared at Duo for an endless
moment and then he nodded, once, and simply went back to sorting the
supplies. The others looked from Duo to Heero and then they did the
same, not knowing what else to do or say.

"Call me when there's a mission!" Duo shouted at them. "Otherwise,
stay away from me!"

Duo wanted to hurt them, wanted them to stay away so that he didn't
have to deal with the fear any more. Quatre surprised him, by
reprimanding him as if he were a child. "Now, Duo, go and rest.
You're being ridiculous!" The blonde Arabian said as he rummaged
through a pack, not even looking up, but face clearly forcing
cheerfulness. "We are your friends-"

"Don't speak for me," Trowa growled. "He tried to kill you!"

Quatre ignored him and continued his exasperated, hectoring tone.
"I'll make you something hot and good for lunch and then you can go
down and look over Deathscythe if you feel up to it, Duo."

"Of course I feel up to it!" Duo startled himself by retorting. "Who
knows what you did to him bringing him here!"

"Well, I did spill that thermos of tea on control panel alpha...,"
Quatre mused.

"You what?!" Duo exclaimed. "That had better be a joke Quatre Winner
or-or..." Duo gripped the railing hard with both hands, suddenly
disoriented as his mind shifted out of his insanity. He took a
shuddering breath, blinked, and then looked down at the young men
working below him. Too late! he groaned to himself. He had already
said terrible things to Heero. He had tried to kill Quatre! He had
showed them all what an unstable, weak, piece of shit he really was.
It was too late to call any of it back. With a soul wrenching groan,
Duo fled into his bedroom and locked the door behind him.

***

Duo was tired of crying. He was also tired of being alone. After
three days of being isolated in his room, or working on his Gundam by
himself, he was ready for a mission, a chance to get out and do what
he did best, what he could still do; accomplish a mission in the
grueling war. But, nothing came for him, or if it had, no one was
trusting him enough to tell him. Duo was infuriated and frustrated,
but confronting the others and demanding an accounting was beyond his
ability.

Duo couldn't face the others even at meal times. His food was left
outside his door without comment. Magazines, books, even a new CD
that he liked, had been placed on each tray. Duo knew whose
particular touch that was. The cold, perfect soldier was a poet deep
down below his own isolation and pain and as kind as Quatre if anyone
could dig that deep. Duo had managed to, because Heero had allowed
it. The young man had let Duo see that secret part of him, the
vulnerable spot in his armor that was his heart. That heart, he had
given to Duo and Duo had crushed it under the weight of his fear and
self loathing.

So, it was to Duo's surprise, that Heero entered his room, sat at
the small desk, and placed his laptop on it. With his back to Duo,
who was sprawled listlessly on the bed, he opened it and began typing
something with complete concentration. Duo blinked at him, feeling
the panic rising, the scream at the back of his throat, the ever
present 'feeling' of being abused as if it was happening then and
there.

"D-Don't do this!" Duo stammered. He curled up into a tight ball,
trembling. "I can't stand it! I can't, Heero!"

"Coward," Heero replied, cold and emotionless, and continued working.

Duo felt himself melting inside, that one word eating him alive.

Heero ignored Duo and typed for over an hour. Duo lost track of
time, drifting in nightmare, unable to crawl out of the black hole of
depression and hate that was overwhelming him. When Heero stood at
last, the laptop clicking shut, he gave Duo a contemptuous look,
tucked it under his arm, and left. When the door shut firmly behind
him, Duo sobbed himself into nightmares.

And so it continued every day, twice a day. Heero would enter. Duo
would cower and crawl with fear while the pilot of Wing typed away,
back stiff in his black turtle neck sweater; a barrier he dared Duo
to cross. Only once in awhile would Heero deign to speak and then it
was only to insult Duo cruelly.

"How many men have ridden you?" Heero asked one day. "Why was one
more enough to break you?"

Another day, "I thought you were someone I could count on, trust.
You aren't fit for anything now."

Yet another, "You let Oz break you. You're a waste. You don't
deserve a Gundam."

And lastly, "Just give up Deathscythe. I already told Dr. G that
you're worthless now. You might as well crawl back to L2. What was it
you wanted to do after the war? Scrap metal. Go and sell scrap, Duo.
You are a dead weight here."

The last insult broke through something in Duo, the wall of pain,
humiliation, and utter fear that an Oz General had injected into his
already damaged brain and body. He couldn't be afraid any more, not
when he was so angry, not when he was being stripped of the self
respect he held so dear, and not when something as important as
Deathscythe was about to be taken away from him. That Gundam
represented freedom for the colonies and safety for the people. It
was bigger than fear, bigger than humiliation, even bigger than his
love for Heero. No one could pilot Deathscythe like he, Duo, could.
No one could do the job that he had been trained to do so well. Too
many people, too many lives, were depending on him. The wall crumbled
and then blew apart. With a furious shout and a foul curse, Duo leapt
from the bed and threw Heero out of his chair with a solid punch
across the face.

"Son-of-a-bitch!" Duo shouted, panting with fury. "Nobody takes
Deathscythe from Shinigami and lives!"

Heero regained his feet, rubbing his jaw, eyes intense under his
tangle of dark bangs. "I am taking it away. You aren't fit."

"Think so, buddy?" Duo mocked viciously. "Try me." Duo threw another
punch. It landed solidly into Heero's face again. The pilot of Wing
swayed, but it hardly seemed to phase him. Heero punched back, but
his punches were hard and deadly. Duo ducked and felt the wind of it
pass over his head. "That all you got?" Duo mocked and landed an
upper cut into Heero's stomach.

Too easy. Heero bent and then spun around. His steel toed boot
caught Duo in the shoulder. Duo went sprawling with a grunt of pain,
feeling skin tear off. Heero threw himself on top. Duo punched him
again... and again. Heero rocked with both blows, his lip splitting
and dribbling blood. They rolled. Duo straddled Heero and landed an
elbow into the boy's gut. It was like hitting steel. Heero didn't
even grunt as Duo's arm went numb.

"Remember what I taught you, Little Baka!" Heero growled and flipped
Duo off.

Their combat became more formalized. Wild punches gave way to
calculated kicks and chops. Duo felt endorphins flood him as sweat
poured from every pore. He panted and wiped at his brow. Heero took
that opportunity to attack. Duo met him with equal force.

They went down together and Duo... Duo forgot to be afraid in the
wildness of the moment. It was sheer relief to finally be fighting
back, to take out all of his pain and horror on someone at last, to
fight back when he hadn't been able to fight back at all when he had
been a prisoner of Oz. In that exhilarating moment, as Duo saw Heero
rock and nearly go down from a blow of his, he realized where the
root of the fear lay. It had been his helplessness that had
frightened him. That, more than the brutality of the act of rape, had
broken his mind. Heero had known it, telling Duo as much when he had
wondered how one more man raping him had broken him when so many
before him hadn't.

Duo broke away from Heero and held up his hands as he backed away.
Heero rolled to his feet, panting almost as hard as Duo. There was a
glow of sexual, as well as physical, excitement in his flushed face.
That almost frightened Duo again, until Heero uttered words that had
often been repeated throughout their relationship as the pilot of
Wing sat down heavily in the one chair. "I wont ever touch you, Duo,
unless you want me to."

Duo held up a knife, the one he had snatched from its hiding place
at the back of Heero's blue jeans. It flashed as he pointed it
straight at Heero, the madness beginning to glitter and return to his
eyes. "Damn right you won't!"

Heero held out one hand to Duo, as if offering a target. Duo stared
at it, at the calloused fingers and the scarred palm. It was a test
and Duo knew he had to pass it if he was to keep, not only
Deathscythe but Heero's respect. It was time for Shinigami to show
what he was really made of.

Duo slowly approached and reached out with his free hand. He
hesitated, fingers trembling inches from Heero's fingers, and then he
was touching them very lightly. Their warmth startled him. A shock
passed between those fingertips. Hormones? Endorphins? Sexual
electricity? Soul meeting soul? Duo didn't know what it was. He
didn't know what to call it. All he knew was that Heero was HIS
and... he was Heero's. That SOMETHING that passed between them didn't
leave him any doubt.

Duo dropped his fingers at last. It was as far as he could go just
then, but it was enough. They had reaffirmed something important.
Still, Heero added something more, a return of something to Duo
almost as important. "You are the bravest man I know, Duo."

Respect. Heero's respect. This young man, this love of his life, was
giving it back to him again. Duo smiled and touched his own fingers,
the ones that had touched Heero's fingers, to his lips. He kissed
them and smiled his love at Heero. Heero grunted in satisfaction and
managed a smile in return.

***Owari***

A Duo, Kracken interview for the nice people who reviewed and asked
some questions:

Duo: So, will I ever get some from Heero? You know 1x2?
Kracken: Yeah.
Duo: Oh, goody! At last! Okay, next question: happy ending?
Kracken: Always.
Duo: All right! Next question... is Wu Fei ever going to get some?
Ya know, some 5x2?
Kracken: Oh, that's too tough a question. Next.
Duo (scowling): Meanie! Okay, let's see, what's left... here's one,
why is the sky blue?
Kracken: Hm, the yellow of the sun filtering through the ozone?
Duo: You're guessing. Last question. Who is the Scarlet Pimpernel?
Kracken: Hey! I'm not going to ruin the suspense for someone who
hasn't read it or seen it.
Duo: Meaning... you don't know? No, don't guess again! Okay, that's
it, get on with writing some more. No, put DOWN the POCKY and write!
Kracken (*sniffles*): But I want my pocky!
Duo (sighs): If you must, but at least type with one hand.
Kracken: All right!

If you review, I get happy, do a little dance, and then I write a
lot faster, okay? :)

Go to Part 11: Common Scents
==========================================

Shinigami's Lover Arc 1: Part 11
Part 11: Common Scents
by Kracken (signs@screaminet.com)

Disclaimer: They want to belong to me, but the owners will only let
them come and visit. Okay, they don't know about it. I snuck them out
the back door. I promise to wash them before I return them, okay?
Warning: Yaoi. Guys having sex with guys. Violence. Language. Major
angst. It's GRAPHIC! Okay, now that you've been warned....

I'm going to start listing the serial sequence at the bottom of the
fics since this has grown way out of hand. For everyone who keeps
going back to re read the series, stop being silly and just steal it
already! :) It's not like I can make any money off of this, ya know.
I want you to have it. Go ahead. Yeah, go on. Really. Yes, REALLY!
JUST TAKE IT ALREADY! :) Good, now enjoy it as many times as you like.

==========================================

"Take it off, Little Baka," Heero ordered harshly. "How many times-"

"How many times do I have to answer that I won't?" Duo shot back as
he levered a tool in the guts of Deathscythe, grunting and struggling
to move a frozen part.

Duo's hair was wrapped several times around his neck to keep it from
getting in his way. Bangs hanging in his face, sweat dripping down
off of his nose, and shirt tied around his hips, his black clad legs
were wide apart so that he could brace himself against the body of
the Gundam as he leaned close to the grinding machinery. It was
obvious that he was concentrating hard on his task and that he was
being careful, but the object of Heero's concern was out of the
pilot's control. Duo's gold cross dangled dangerously on its long
chain around his neck.

Heero, seated close by, but not close enough if the worst should
happen, balanced precariously on the arm of Gundam Deathscythe and
tried not to distract Duo any more. If he wasn't going to listen...
The part gave suddenly. Duo jerked at the release of tension and then
grinned triumphantly as the grinding turned into a gentle hum.

"Are you up here for a reason, Heero?" Duo finally asked as he
relaxed, wiped a hand across his sweating brow, and then chucked his
tool into a metal box by his elbow, "Other than being a worry wart
that I'll be sucked into Deathscythe's guts by my cross?"

"Isn't that enough?" Heero replied.

"Not for Heero Yuy," Duo replied. "I'm pretty sure that you only
began worrying about that after you climbed up here."

Duo's strong, long legs, in those tight fitting pants... Heero tried
not to get distracted, but his eyes traveled appreciatively over
Duo's very slim torso, his softly rounded shoulders and his wiry
arms, which looked so delicate, but could be so strong and deadly.
Sweat beaded and made slow trails down his chest, around his pink
nipples and down over scars and permanent knots in his ribs.

Duo shifted nervously and raked back his long, brown bangs with his
fingers. It only worked briefly before they were falling down like a
curtain over his amethyst eyes again and giving cover for any
thoughts that might be lurking there. "Well?"

"You accomplished your last mission and stayed well within
parameters," Heero heard himself say, cold and precise as the winter
air.

The hidden, makeshift hanger, was hardly better than being outside.
Duo, work accomplished, slipped back into his heavy shirt and his
thick jacket. He grimaced at the feel of sweat freezing and shivered.
The heat from Deathscythe's engines afforded a great deal of warmth,
but the draft through the openings of the hanger was brutal.

Duo grinned. "I guess, in Heero speak, that means ,'Good job', right?"

"Hai," Heero replied, hating the feeling of inadequacy over his
communication skills and then hating himself for hating that as the
Lover Heero Yuy briefly battled the Perfect Soldier Heero Yuy.

"So?" Duo prompted.

"I am allowing you to take another mission," Heero informed him.

"Goody!" Duo chuckled and rubbed his cold hands together with glee.
"Blow it up or cut it up with my buddy Deathscythe?"

"Cut it up," Heero replied.

Duo patted the Gundanium hull of the machine beneath him. "We're
ready! All tuned up and ready for the dance of Death!" He paused,
eyes going guarded. "Uh, I'll be alone, right?"

Heero nodded, once, face grim. "One pilot with suffice."

Duo grinned again. "All right! Thanks Heero! That last mission was
mambsy- pamsy, if you know what I mean?"

"No."

"Uh, too easy and not enough bad guys," Duo clarified.

"Hai." Heero agreed.

Duo shrugged. "Guess I don't blame you. You had to test me to make
sure I kept all of my ducks in a row enough to complete a mission."

"Hai," Heero agreed again and began to say something else, but he
was interrupted.

"Duo!" Quatre shouted from the hanger floor. The two pilots looked
down. Quatre had Duo's black, pullover sweater in his hands along
with some black gloves.

"Damn, looks like 'mom' found me," Duo said sourly. "He just never
stops."

"We do what we are best suited for," Heero replied. "Quatre has
undertaken to make certain that we are all fit to accomplish our
missions."

"He picks on me more than anyone else," Duo lamented. "You'd think
he was in love with me or something."

Heero was suddenly wearing a death glare. Duo chuckled.

"It's not like I'll be cheating on you, Baby!" Duo said placatingly,
pain etched in his tone.

Heero's face went from jealousy to concern all in an instant.

Duo studied Heero for a moment. Perched on Deathscythe's arm, he
looked like a young boy sitting in a tree, legs dangling and body
poised precariously on the edge. Duo, seated in the open belly of
Deathscythe next to the arm, knew that looks were definitely
deceiving when it came to Heero Yuy. If the pilot of Wing had ever
been a boy, it had been burnt out of him long ago by the assassin
that had trained him and Dr. J. after that. Heero was a man with a
body on the verge of manhood. Everything Heero did was planned down
to the last detail. It should have been comforting to Duo, that
maturity, but nothing comforted him much those days.

"Duo!" Quatre called once more in exasperation and waved the sweater
and the gloves.

"Mom calls," Duo chuckled.

Heero watched Duo descend Deathscythe to the hanger floor. Quatre
nodded in satisfaction and placed the items of clothing on the floor
before retreating. Still, even though Duo was grinning at Quatre, his
purple eyes watched him warily as he bent to pick up the clothes.

"Thanks, Q-man!" Duo called to the blonde Arabian. "I guess I was
getting cold!"

"Put them on now!' Quatre called back firmly. "I won't leave until
you do."

Heero could see Duo frown even from his high vantage. "Your
embarrassing me, man!"

Quatre was patient. "Duo, if you would only take care of yourself,
if even slightly, I wouldn't feel the need to do it for you. The
colonies are depending on you. We pilots are depending on you. You're
letting us down when you endanger your health so carelessly!"

"Yeah, I guess you're right," Duo replied, raking a hand through his
bangs and looking guilty. "I never thought about it like that. I
always figured, 'Live now because tomorrow I may die.' Going through
the motions, like I'm going to have some sort of long life, just
seemed stupid, ya know?"

"I know," Quatre replied gently. "but wouldn't you rather die being
a hero rather than because you caught pneumonia again for lack of a
sweater and some gloves?"

Duo nodded as he pulled the sweater over his shirt and then put the
jacket over that. Something about the sweater startled him. Heero
frowned as Duo brought the sweater to his nose and took a deep breath
as he said to Quatre, "Man! You know just what to say, don't you?
Talk about laying on the guilt trip! See? I've pulled on the sweater
and put on the gloves. My frail body is all protected now. Happy?"

Quatre grinned, ignoring the sarcasm. "Yes. Lunch is at twelve. Make
sure you are there, Duo."

"Yeah, yeah, Q-man," Duo muttered as he turned back to Deathscythe.

Once again, Heero saw Duo lift the sweater to his nose and take a
deep breath. Heero's mind sorted through possibilities as to why Duo
would exhibit that particular behavior, but it was confused. It
couldn't give Heero answers to behavior that wasn't normal.
Heero swung down from Deathscythe and landed lightly. He began
striding away with purpose.

"Something I said, Heero?" Duo called after him bitterly.

"Mission change," Heero grunted, which was an answer, and yet not an
answer at all.

Duo climbed back onto Deathscythe. Balancing next to his toolbox,
two stories from the hanger floor, Duo hugged the black sweater
against him and felt comforted. The sweater wasn't his, it was
Heero's, but Duo hadn't corrected Quatre, especially not after
catching Heero's scent ingrained in the fiber. It tickled Duo's nose
and reminded him of warm nights and tender moments. If he closed his
eyes, it almost felt as if Heero was there, holding him tight.

***

"Just say you don't trust me!" Duo shouted angrily, body tense and
fists clenched tight. He paced, keeping near the door, needing that
open exit to make him feel safe as Heero slowly stripped off his
sweat soaked tank top and tossed it onto a chair back.

Heero had just finished exercising in the basement of the
dilapidated safe house. He was now a lanky, muscle rippling,
testosterone bundle of young man and his intense eyes and his wild,
dark hair made him look feral and dangerous as he used a hand towel
to wipe his face.

"Say it!" Duo demanded again, braid snapping like a whip every time
he turned in his pacing.

"I don't trust you," Heero replied at last, soft and quiet.

The black clad pilot of Deathscythe faced him in his fury, but
didn't dare come close. "I don't need Wu Fei to babysit me! You
wouldn't waste a pilot like that for anyone else. I won't let you do
it for me!"

"It is still within acceptable mission parameters," Heero informed
him. "Wu Fei is an expert at targeting munitions dumps."

"Then let him do the mission!" Duo exploded.

"Hai," Heero replied stiffly.

Duo's eyes went wide with hurt and shock. "Just like that? Am I so
easy to replace?"

"This time, yes."

Duo shook his head sharply and then glared. "What happened? Why did
you change your mind about me? You told me that I did great on the
last mission. You were going to take off the training wheels this
time. What did I do wrong, huh? Whimper in my sleep like a girl? Hide
under the bed from Quatre and his vacuum cleaner? Mess myself at the
mention of Oz soldiers? Huh? Not any of those things, was it? Why?
Because none of it happened! Maybe the thought of you or anyone else
touching me makes me want to scream, but I've got the rest of my life
back together again, Heero! You know I won't let you down!"

"You would never intentionally let me down," Heero agreed, changing
the phrasing pointedly.

Duo's expression went sickly. "I can't love a man who won't trust me."

"I can't endanger a mission, and the lives of civilians to keep that
love," Heero responded with regret.

"Why?" Duo demanded. "Why did everything suddenly change?"

"Instinct," Heero replied as he walked out of the room with his
laptop under his arm. "It tells me you aren't ready yet."

"Screw your instinct!" Duo screamed after him, but Heero didn't
respond.

Duo stood, panting, blood boiling so hotly it was making him dizzy.
He took off his jacket and threw it at the wall furiously. It made a
loud slap and slid down to the floor in an abused heap. "Damn him!"
Duo seethed.

Duo turned, intending to go into the bathroom and clean the Gundam
grease off of himself. He spotted Heero's shirt though, and it made
him pause. Grabbing it from the chair back he twisted it tightly in
both hands, hurting it and making it pay instead of the true object
of his anger, Heero.

The shirt had a strong scent. It reached Duo's nostrils, musky,
heady, complete essence of Heero Yuy. Duo found himself raising that
shirt and putting it closer to his nose. In another moment he was
pressing his face into it, tears in his eyes, as he rubbed it against
his cheek. Backing up to the bed, Duo lowered himself onto it.
Curling up on his side, he closed his eyes and kept Heero's shirt
clutched tightly against him. Comfort. Warmth. Strength. Heero.

"You're right," Duo muttered despairingly. "I'm not ready. I'm
hugging a damn shirt and trying to pretend it's you! How sick is
that?" Duo considered throwing it away from him and sending it to
join the abused jacket, but he found himself clutching the shirt even
tighter.

Pathetic. Weak. No matter what he called himself, Duo couldn't let
go of the shirt. In the end, he tucked it inside of his sweater,
close to his heart, and crossed his arms over it to hold it tight.
His mouth may have denied Heero, but his heart, he knew, never could.

***

"Something smells," Trowa grumbled, glaring down the table from
under his uni bang. "I hope that isn't dinner."

Duo shifted uncomfortably in his chair, placed at the opposite end
of the table and several spaces from the other young men. A triumph,
Quatre had called it, for Duo to sit down and have meals with them
again, but Duo knew how much it cost him, how much he wanted to run
every time someone looked at him or moved. Twice he had even
threatened with his table knife.

Wu Fei raised eyebrows, aristocratic, Chinese features puzzling over
the smell as well. He finally settled his dark eyes on Duo. Duo kept
his eyes on his empty plate. Wu Fei took in Duo's tangled, unbrushed
hair, the grease marking his forehead and neck. The disarray of his
sweater and the grime under his fingernails. The hollow, strained
look on Duo's face confirmed Wu Fei's suspicion.

"Maxwell, perhaps you should think of bathing before we eat?"

"Are you saying I stink, Wu Fei?" Duo exploded, standing up, arms
wrapped around his chest. His grin was gone. His eyes were wild.
"If I do, it's honest stink. I was working on old Deathscythe,
getting him ready to protect the colonies, only now Heero says he's
giving the mission to you. Congratulations. Seems I made myself stink
for no reason at all."

You're not angry at me," Wu Fei replied calmly. "You shouldn't make
dinner uncomfortable for all of us because you're angry at Yuy. He's
not even here."

Duo blinked, startled and standing up. "Where is he?"

"He went on the mission himself," Quatre replied from the stove. He
turned and began setting plates of steaming vegetables, chicken, and
oat muffins on the table. Taking up a spoon, he began serving Duo a
measured amount while the others helped themselves to the rest.

"Nataku had a bad gyro," Wu Fei added. "I refused to take her into
battle in that condition. It would have made me weak."

"He didn't tell me!" Duo snarled.

"For obvious reasons," Trowa replied quietly. Quatre gave him a look
and Trowa scowled.

Duo thumped his fists on the table and the silverware jumped. When
he saw everyone tense, ready to defend themselves, he felt physically
ill. "I can still pilot my Gundam. I can still do missions. I'm gong
after him!"

Quatre tried to soothe him. "Now, Duo, Heero wouldn't like that."

"I don't give a flying fuck, Quat!" Duo shouted back. "The only way
I can prove to him that I'm fit is to join him and kick some Oz butt!"

"Look at you," Wu Fei retorted mildly. "You are a mess, Maxwell. If
you want to gain Yuy's confidence not looking like a madman would be
a start. Let this mission pass, be ready for the next one. Clean
yourself up. Practice the meditation technique that I taught you.
Calm your mind. Forget your fear. When you are strong, both mentally
and physically, no one will question your fitness."

"Sounds good, Wuffie," Duo agreed with a pasted on, maniacal grin.
"Wash. Meditate. Get strong." Duo's voice rose sharply, "Like Hell!
I'm going after Heero!"

"At least eat first," Quatre suggested irritably. "You won't win
points with Heero by passing out at the controls of Deathscythe."

"That I'll do," Duo thumped down into his chair again and began
spooning food into his mouth. "Coffee, Quat. I can't fight without a
good cup of coffee."

Quatre's voice was soothing. "All right, Duo. Just a minute."

"Don't encourage this stupidity, Quatre!" Wu Fei argued. "He will
only complicate the mission for Heero if he goes!"

"Hey!" Duo barked around a mouthful of food. "I am NOT a liability!
I'm an asset. You know Heero and I make a good team."

"Of course you do," Quatre soothed as he handed Duo the coffee.

Duo grinned at Quatre, though his fingers nervously avoided any
contact with the blonde Arabian. "Don't get so close," he warned
without dropping his smile. When Quatre backed away, Duo said,
"Thanks, Quat, for sticking up for me."

"We're friends, Duo," Quatre replied as Duo took long sips of his
hot coffee, daring a burnt tongue. "I know how important it is for
you to join the war again. We would feel the same way... have felt
the same way when we've been sidelined."

Duo nodded distractedly as he shoved a muffin into his jacket
pocket. "I'll eat on the run, Quat. Make a big dinner, K? I promise
I'll even eat my veggies..." Duo trailed off as he swayed and put a
hand to his head. His amethyst eyes dilated as he looked up
accusingly at Quatre's concerned face. "You he-bitch! You drugged me!"

Wu Fei grunted. "Good work, Winner. I was beginning to think you
were as mad as Maxwell for supporting him in his foolishness."
Trowa stood up and began coming around the table. "I will help you
take Duo upstairs."

"Sorry, Duo," Quatre apologized anxiously. "Heero ordered us to keep
you here."

"That bastard!" Duo rummaged inside of his sweater and jerked
Heero's shirt out of it. He flung it down onto the table on top of
all the food. "Fuck him and fuck all of you! When I get my head
cleared I'm taking Deathscythe and getting the Hell out of here!"

Duo swayed again and almost fell out of his chair. He saw Quatre
reach for him and Trowa was about to. The drugs kept him in safe
place. He couldn't even panic. Before he slipped into
unconsciousness, he heard Wu Fei say distastefully, "Is this Yuy's
stinking shirt?"

Duo felt his face burn. Now they knew. Now Heero would know that he
had been cuddling with his clothes because he as too much of a
chicken shit to actually touch the man he loved. Duo was glad when
unconsciousness claimed him. The embarrassment was more than he could
handle.

***

"You're a mess," Heero's voice said from across the room.

Duo blinked open his eyes. His eyelids were like lead weights. His
mind climbed slowly back from his drug haze. He was lying in his bed,
clothed and covered with a blanket. He turned his head and blearily
looked at Heero.

Heero was leaning against the doorjamb, arms crossed over his chest.
His hair was slightly damp from a recent shower. His intense, blue
eyes were almost contemptuous, but there was a tinge of sympathy
there too.

"Well...," Duo said, cleared his throat and tried again. "Mission
must be accomplished or you wouldn't be standing here... alive."

"Hai," Heero affirmed.

"I can't rot here and not do my job, Heero," Duo told him angrily.
"I want to know why you don't trust me."

"Do you trust me?" Heero retorted softly.

Duo flinched.

"Do you trust any of the other pilots?"

Heero knew the answer to that. Duo didn't have to tell him.

"I was going to give you the mission," Heero reminded him. "I
thought that you had recovered enough from your ordeal with Oz."

"How were you wrong?" Duo demanded. "Tell me why you disqualified me."

Heero straightened. "Look at yourself in the mirror. I don't have to
tell you. Your actions and inactions speak for themselves. Clean
yourself up. We'll talk later."

"Heero Yuy, wanting to talk?" Duo laughed bitterly as he dragged
himself up into a sitting position. "What haven't you said already?"

Heero was silent.

Duo managed to stand. "Fine! Whatever!" I'm leaving anyway, he
thought, but couldn't bring himself to say it.

Duo staggered into the bathroom. He closed the door, but he was
still too disoriented to remember to lock it. He leaned on the sink
and stared at himself in the mirror hanging over it. He was a mess.
Tangled hair, bloodshot eyes, tight bitter mouth, he looked as
nervous and wild as a drug addict needing a fix, only his fix didn't
have anything to do with drugs. It was Heero he was needing.
Duo pushed himself away from the sink and clumsily undressed. When
he was completely nude, except for his gold cross and his hair band,
he made his way to the shower. Halfway there, he spotted Heero's
green tank top on the floor.

Duo angrily stepped on the shirt, imagining it to be Heero, but then
he was picking it up. It smelled of Gundam grease, smoke, and very
strongly of Heero. He must have worn it during the mission.

Guiltily, Duo brought the cloth up to his nose. He breathed deeply
and half closed his eyes. He had a mixture of emotions, anger still,
but longing and desire as well. His lower body was responding
strongly. It had been denied too long. It begged for release of any
kind.

Duo glanced at the door, ashamed, but who was going to know? He was
alone. He was safe. He had Heero's scent and Heero's shirt. All of
his twisted sexual criteria was being met for once and he needed so
badly.

"Heero," Duo whispered. He closed his eyes and ran Heero's scented
shirt over his chest. Embarrassment was still there, but it was
quickly being overcome as Duo rubbed the shirt over his stiff
nipples. He imagined Heero holding him; Heero sucking on those
nipples, slowly, one at a time, faced flush with desire.

Duo's desire was hot and painful now in response to the mental and
physical stimulation. Duo lowered the shirt to his raging cock and
wrapped it in the material. He stroked his arousal. It was rough and
awkward, but the scent of Heero in the shirt, activated by Duo's
heat, rose up to fill Duo's senses. If he could do this, he thought
in misery, why couldn't he bring himself to do it to Heero for real?

Warm, wet, tight. Duo's cock was suddenly engulfed and the shirt was
pulled away. He looked down in alarm, eyes flying open, and saw Heero
sitting on the bathroom floor deep throating him. "No!" Duo shouted
and his hands went into fists as the fear rose, ready to lash out and
free himself.

Heero held still, only his tongue licking the underside of Duo's
cock in his mouth. Duo groaned. Desire and love waged war with fear
and anger. Heero's blue eyes filled his vision, almost begging Duo;
liquid and electrifying. His tongue teased, slipped into the hole and
ran roughly in circles there. Duo groaned again and his hands opened
and then grabbed hold of Heero's hair. Heero winced, but he didn't
pull away. He let himself be helpless for Duo, unresisting as Duo
pushed his cock into Heero's mouth further.

"Suck me," Duo growled. "Do it hard. I-I need it."

Heero's eyes sparkled and he complied, going up and down with rough
hard strokes, mouth a tight sheath, and tongue a rasping, swirling,
darting demon. His hands were lax at his sides, his body completely
relaxed; unthreatening. If he gave him the slightest push, Duo
thought, the man would probably fall over. Duo tested it. He shoved,
hard.

Heero did fall back, but he controlled the fall and landed gently
onto his back. He was still, the rise and fall of his chest his only
motion. Duo stood over him, eyes going over Heero's tightly muscled
body and licking lips when he saw Heero's rock hard erection.
"Look into my face," Heero instructed firmly. "Keep looking into my
face. You aren't afraid of me. It's me you're with, not any of your
memories." When Duo still hesitated, Heero reached out, took the
discarded shirt, and draped it over his chest. "If you want to screw
my shirt instead, here it is, but a warm body is better, isn't it?"

"Your body," Duo corrected. He took a deep breath, looking into
Heero's face, trying to keep his mind in the here and now and not
back with an Oz general or the customers of a young whore.

The shirt was an embarrassment. Duo slowly kneeled, lifted it from
Heero, and tossed it away. He flexed his fingers and then replaced
the shirt with them, lightly touching Heero's chest.

"Don't move," Duo warned. "It'll go wrong if you move."

"I know," Heero whispered. "Do what you want, Duo."

"I'm mad at you, Baby," Duo replied tensely. "You shouldn't have
taken that mission away from me. I can do it."

"Prove to me that you can do it, Little Baka," Heero insisted. "I'm
waiting. Show me that you can control yourself. That's what I
want. That's what I've been waiting for."

"I can," Duo retorted. "I'm not afraid of you. I can- I can trust
you, as long as I remember that it's you."

"My face," Heero told him again. "Look me in the face. Be with me,
not with anyone else." He paused and then added stiffly. "I'll admit
to you that I am a jealous man. I won't share you with your memories."

"A joke?" and a dark one at that, but still a joke, Duo thought. He
found himself grinning; a challenge taken up. "Only you, Baby. Only
you."

Duo bent Heero's knees back to the man's chest in one, fast motion.
Duo's cock was drooling. He positioned it against Heero's entrance,
hoping it would be enough, but found that Heero was already lubed and
ready. Duo, staring into Heero's face, grinned in surprise. "Did you
plan this, Yuy?"

"The chance of this opportunity occurring was obvious," Heero
replied matter-of-factly, as if his knees weren't bent submissively
and a young man wasn't about to mount him, but then his face flushed
and he said, control slipping slightly. "Well?"

"You wanna be fucked, Yuy?" Duo taunted. Heero's body was hot
against his own. "You want it bad?"

"Yes!" Heero growled.

Duo found himself chuckling. "You're as hard up as I am. I don't
think anything can stop me now. I don't care what might happen, what
my memories scream at me. I have to do you Heero, Baby, Heero love."
and with that, Duo slowly pushed into Heero.

Heero hissed, but didn't allow any other sound. He kept limp in
Duo's grip as Duo began to thrust in and out of him. It was slow at
first, tentative, Duo keeping his eyes on Heero and immersing himself
in his need and love to keep the fear at bay, but then Heero
tightened his insides, making it a velvet sheathe on Duo's cock, and
he lifted his legs to give Duo a deeper access. That made Duo wild,
the nerves along his cock head zinging with sensation, his brain on
fire with the urge to thrust hard and deep and fill his mate with his
cum.

Duo's rocking motion intensified. He groaned, staring into Heero's
eyes as his hand reached between them and clasped around Heero's
cock. He gathered Heero's precum and coated the stiff, hot member,
making it slick as he began to pump Heero in time to his thrusts.
Heero threw back his head and panted, moaning into Duo's mouth as Duo
locked his lips onto Heero's and sucked them in.

They came together with a shout, spasming bodies, and wildly beating
hearts. Duo kissed Heero deeper, broke the kiss, and then looked into
Heero's eyes so closely that their noses touched. "Heero," Duo panted.

"Duo," Heero panted back.

"That proof enough?"

"It will suffice."

Duo raised eyebrows and then he frowned. "Should I prove myself to
you again beyond a shadow of a doubt then?"

"I think I will require it," Heero replied as he began to lift his
knees again. "You didn't show adequate effort."

"Hah!" Duo laughed outright now. "Another joke! Maybe if we do it
enough times, you'll become a comedian?"

"Let's test it and find out," Heero replied with a smirk and then
added, "Pilot."

Duo felt a tear, but he choked and refused to cry. Instead, he
kissed Heero with all of his love behind it and began to prove
himself again with enthusiasm and without fear.

***Owari***

Kracken: Thanks for all the virtual candy! It's light, but strangely
ego fattening. :)

Review! Oh, please review. I just love it when you do. It makes me
so happy and I really do dance and clap with joy. For those who
reviewed last time, thanks so much! Big kisses and hugs! :)

Go to Part 12: Mirror, Mirror
==========================================

Shinigami's Lover Arc 1: Part 12
Part 12: Mirror, Mirror
by Kracken (signs@screaminet.com)

Disclaimer: I don't own them and I don't make any money off of this.
That's right! Nada. Zip! Zilch! Zero! So, wah! Leave me alone you
corporate meanies!
Warning: Male/Male sex. Lemon. Angst. Violence. Language.

Heero: You don't know what you're going to write do you?
Kracken: *sweatdrop* No, I don't, but let's see what happens, shall
we?
Heero: Mission accepted.
Kracken: Loosen up, man! It's just a fic! Go have some pocky.
Heero: (with a sudden, glazed look) Mmmm, pocky!

==========================================

"You look terrible, Maxwell," Wu Fei noticed as he borrowed a tool
from Duo's tool box.

The black clad pilot of Deathscythe was sitting in a swivel chair,
legs dangling, and braid trailing between his knees. He held a coffee
cup in both hands, blood shot eyes staring at the steam lazily
floating up. Those blood shot eyes slid sideways to look at Wu Fei.

"Hey! You care!" Duo replied sarcastically and his voice was hoarse.

Wu Fei studied Duo as he fiddled with the tool in both hands. Duo
stared back. "I'm borrowing one of your tools," Wu Fei finally
prompted. "Won't you even protest?"

Duo blinked. "Oh, yeah! Keep your stinking hands off of my stuff, Wu-
Man!"

Wu Fei snorted. "That was half-hearted at best. Are you ill?"

"No."

"Heart sick?"

"No."

"Soul sick?"

"No."

"Constipated?"

Duo began to say no once again, but then he laughed instead. "Good
one, Wu Fei." Duo ran a hand, warmed by the coffee cup, across his
eyes and rubbed at them. "Just haven't been able to sleep."

"Nightmares?"

Duo lowered his hand and narrowed his amethyst eyes. "Yeah. Do I
make that much noise? Heero hasn't said anything. Guess he doesn't
want to upset me."

"You shriek, Maxwell," Wu Fei replied sympathetically. "We've all
heard you."

Duo sighed and slumped in his seat. "I just wanna sleep, Wuffie, but
I can't."

Wu Fei chose his words carefully, knowing how easily Duo clamped
down on his true feelings and raised his mask of indifferent good
humor. "What do you think about, right before you fall asleep?"

Duo slid from the chair and stood up, coffee sloshing out of the
cup. He was very pale. "None of your business!"

"Forgive me," Wu Fei replied quickly.

Duo relaxed again, but he didn't lose his distressed expression.
"It's just personal, okay?"

Wu Fei gave a single nod and began to walk away. He paused, saying
over his shoulder as if it were of little importance, "Pleasant
thoughts make pleasant dreams, Maxwell."

"I don't have enough of those to go around lately," Duo muttered as
he turned to sit on his stool again. He started badly as he came face
to face with Trowa. "Shit! Trowa! Make some noise next time, k?!"
Trowa was silent, hands in the pockets of his tight jeans and eyes
almost hidden by his long bang. "Well?" Duo snapped irritably. "You
have to say something, Trow-man! I can't read minds."

Trowa let his eyes rove up and down Duo's body and then he studied
Duo's face for a long moment. "We have a mission together," he said
at last, low and quiet. "You need sleep. I'll give you some pills and
you can rest immediately."

"What kind of mission?" Duo wondered. "Do I have to hack a computer
while you balance on a ball and juggle knives?"

"No," Trowa replied as if taking the joke in all seriousness. "Heero
will coordinate all computer activities from here while we infiltrate
a mobile suit testing site. Heero will hack the computers and steal
the plans for the new Gundams and then we will destroy the site and
the hardware."

Duo widened his eyes. "Did you really just say all of that? Quatre
usually speaks for you. Are you sure he's not behind you doing a
ventriloquism act?" Trowa stared. Duo sighed, but didn't lose his
maniacal grin. "Okay, so, why you and me in particular?"

"Your knowledge of explosives and my knowledge of the base. I spent
time there as an undercover operative," Trowa replied. He turned go,
but waited for Duo. "Heero will brief you on the mission requirements
and parameters... after you sleep. Come with me and I'll give you the
pills."

Duo shook his head. "I hate pills, Trow-man! They make me stupid!
What if we get discovered and attacked while I'm doped up and asleep?"

Trowa frowned. "Trust; trust that we will take care of you if
something like that happens."

"Trust?" Duo echoed and then snorted. "That's not high on my can do
list, ya know."

"I know," Trowa replied. "But it's required."

"How long until the mission?" Duo wondered as he followed Trowa from
the makeshift hanger.

"Three days," Trowa replied. "If you keep taking the pills I give
you, you'll be rested and ready."

"Okay," Duo agreed and then sighed. "Maybe they'll stop the dreams."

***

"Are you listening, Little Baka?" Heero had his laptop balanced on
the bed and he and Duo sat on opposite sides of it. Heero was
narrowing his dark, blue eyes with displeasure as Duo grinned lazily
back at him, having just broken off his avid study of the peeling
wall paper in their room.

"Why do you think someone wanted purple flowers inside of pink
checks for wallpaper, Heero?" Duo wondered and his voice was bright
and cheerful. "Is that what normal people do, pick out awful
wallpaper?"

Heero had noticed the wallpaper of the rundown, two story house, but
it hadn't seemed important enough to waste thoughts on. He gave it a
brief glance. It was very ugly. "I wouldn't know," he replied, which
was only being honest, but for some reason that made Duo suddenly sad.

"That's the problem. Neither of us knows what normal people do." Duo
reached out, closed the laptop with a click, and then raised that
hand to cup Heero under the chin. "Don't you ever get tired, tired of
all the blood and the fighting? Don't you feel like running away
sometimes and being normal?"

"No," Heero replied, and that was the truth too. Thoughts like that
had been stripped from him before the age of three.

"I do," Duo admitted. He lowered his hand into his lap and sighed.
"I've been having these dreams... I try to blend in with everyone
else, the normal people, but I keep sticking out no matter what I do.
In the end, they 'find me out' and rip me limb from limb, shouting
that I'm a blood thirsty freak. Sad, isn't? I always thought that
dreams were supposed to be an escape from harsh reality. It never is
for me."

"You've been screaming in your sleep," Heero admitted.

"Wu Fei told me," Duo replied. "You could have told me. I'm not a
baby."

"I didn't see any advantage in informing you," Heero replied. "The
dreams are beyond your control."

Duo looked across the closed laptop to Heero's shadowed eyes. "Wu
Fei wants me to think happy thoughts."

Heero considered this seriously.

"Cut it out," Duo told him. "I don't like to be an endless problem
you have to try and solve. So, I'm having bad dreams. I always do,
you know that. These are just a little louder than usual."

"Are you ill?" Heero suddenly asked, his keen eyes never missing
anything, especially where his love was concerned. "Your pupils are
dilated and your face is flushed."

Duo considered telling Heero about the sleeping pills, but then
didn't. It was a weakness. It hurt his ego to need them. He didn't
want Heero thinking that he couldn't handle things without them. He
didn't want Heero taking yet another mission away from him. It had
taken Heero long enough to trust him enough to send him on the new
one.

"Just tired, Baby," Duo replied, which wasn't a lie. He put on his
mask like grin. "I think I'm going to try to sleep during the day,
today. Maybe the dreams only come out in the darkness."

"The mission briefing-"

"Can wait," Duo interrupted with a yawn. "I can't pay attention if
I'm falling asleep. Later, Heero."

"Duo," Heero said, his voice full of buried emotions he didn't know
how to convey into language. "If we were like everyone else, who
would defend peace?"

"Someone else," Duo sighed as he curled up on his side and drifted
into sleep. He felt a blanket carefully placed on top of him, but the
hands were rough and precise; Heero's hands.

"But, there isn't any one else like us, Duo."

Those last words chased Duo into dreams and the dreams, as usual,
weren't pleasant ones.

Duo found himself in a familiar, hated room. Dark and dingy, the
only furniture a mattress on the floor, he was perched on the low
windowsill, face pressed against the dirty glass so that he could see
the 'normal' children playing in the street down below. They had a
ball. They were kicking it back and forth to some rules they had made
on the spot. They smiled, but it wasn't the cruel, sadistic smiles of
his pimps. They had genuine smiles, bright and full of fun.

The heat outside was making the glass of the window hot, but Duo
persisted in keeping his face pressed there, trying to keep the
children in view even as their game slowly moved down the street. He
hardly heard the door to his room open and then close with the click
of a lock. It was the firm, adult hand on his shoulder that brought
him back to misery and reminded him of what was expected of him. That
hand steered him towards the mattress.

"Shhh, Duo," the voice slipped into the nightmare and shook him
loose from it. The room blew away as if in a strong wind, but there
were other nightmares, equally as ugly, to take their place. "The
past is the past, Duo," the voice said. "Why go back there?"

Why? Duo wondered. He wasn't aware of a choice. Why did this stupid
voice think that he had a choice? If he had a choice, he'd be
dreaming of fluffy bunnies, blue skies, and a warm Summer day. If he
had a choice, he'd be dreaming of living with a loving family and
dating the girl down the street, not blowing up military
installations and fucking a man and liking it. If he had a choice, he
wouldn't be dreaming of the many times he had been forced into bed
with his three pimps so that they could paw and do him all night
long, not caring that he was ripped and still screaming from his last
customer of the day. No, he definitely wouldn't be dreaming of that,
didn't want to be dreaming of it now, but it came into his mind with
unstoppable will and he was forced to be a spectator in his own gang
bang.

"Shhh, Duo," the voice came again and, as if it was magic, that
dream was blown away as well.

Ah, of course, what dream was left after that, but the one where he
tried to hide in the crowd and be 'normal'? He ducked, he dodged, he
even covered his face, but it didn't keep the other people in the
crowd from seeing him, singling him out, and opening a space between
themselves and him.

Marked, Duo thought. He was marked. His clothes were gone. He was an
animal, after all. Animals didn't wear clothes. He even had a collar,
that despicable dog collar around his neck that even had a tag with
the address of his pimps on it and the name they had given him
'Bitch'. A cruel, sadistic joke, but they had always been full of
those. There was blood too, blood on Duo's hands and running down his
legs. In that blood, someone had carved words into his body... whore,
thief, murderer, fag.

Marked. The people around Duo saw it and they were disgusted. They
began to jeer at him and throw things. That wasn't enough though.
They rushed forward suddenly and began tearing at him, pulling at his
arms and legs until.....

"Shhh, Duo." The dream flinched and then fled.

Duo felt a warm body under his imploring hands. He pulled it towards
him. He felt resistance. He pulled harder until he was pressed up
against hot flesh and musky scent. It was an anchor. A salvation.
Safety; safety from the nightmares. It had power, that body, to drive
them away with only a few words.

"Stay with me!" Duo implored that voice. I'll do anything, he
thought, every trick I know. "Just, stay."

The body didn't ask for anything. Cruel hands didn't grab. A cruel
body didn't demand satisfaction. It was as still as death, but as
warm as a fire, allowing Duo to borrow deep into masculine planes and
angles and find comfort. He whimpered in relief and found a deeper
sleep, one without dreams.

***

Duo awoke reluctantly. He was in bed, still dressed, a blanket
tucked around him, and very much alone. He blinked at the old room in
confusion, recalling disjointed, drug induced dreams and someone
comforting him in the end. There wasn't even an impression on the bed
though to show that anyone had really been there.

"What a trip!" Duo sighed and sat up.

Duo yawned and stretched. He felt well rested, even though it looked
as if he had only slept a few hours. He scratched his itchy scalp. He
felt tacky and in need of a shower. Rolling out of bed to do just
that, he paused to peer out of the window. He started. The sun wasn't
setting, it was rising. He had slept through the day and the night!

"Shit!" Duo exclaimed in amazement. He hurried to take his shower.
"I have to do maintenance on Deathscythe! I have to do system checks.
I have to have that briefing with Heero! I have to condition my hair!
I have a damn mission in two days!"

"We'll brief for the mission after your shower!" Heero called from
the other room just as Duo turned on the water.

Duo reached back and locked the door to the bathroom, automatic
defenses coming into play at the thought of being naked and another
man so close. The nightmares had made him especially edgy. Still, as
he dropped his clothes and stepped it the welcoming steam and warmth
of the shower, he couldn't help remembering the other part of the
dreams, the most pleasant part; the feel of a body close to his that
hadn't made him panic and reach for a weapon of any sort, a body he
had trusted to comfort him and keep him safe from himself. He wished
it had been real. He wished that it had been Heero he had trusted
like that.

Reality was crueler. He could make love to Heero, he could even let
the man touch him in return on occasion, but their relationship was
still fraught with strained nerves and the necessity of avoiding
tripping any mental land mines in Duo's complicated psyche. Sleeping
together, skin to skin, in the same bed was still just a dream. Heero
still bore pink scars from past attempts, attempts that had seemed
fine at the onset, but had turned to disaster when Duo, upon
awakening, hadn't realized that it was Heero beside him and not some
rapist from his past.

Shower finished, Duo stepped out and began the laborious task of
drying out his long hair. He used two towels before it stopped
dripping enough to allow him to dress in a pair of shorts and an
oversize shirt of black. Even then, he still had to wrap a towel over
his shoulder to soak up any stray drips, as he slowly padded back
into the bedroom where Heero was waiting for him with the laptop.

"Morning, Baby," Duo mumbled and then plopped down on the bed. It
bounced and the laptop jumped a little. Heero reached out a broad
hand to steady it as he too settled on the bed, a healthy distance
between himself and Duo.

"You slept," Heero said, studying Duo with his intense eyes. "Good."

"I slept too long," Duo complained as he tucked up the ends of his
hair into the towel. "You should have woke me."

"You required sleep," Heero replied as he brought up a program on
the screen. "I ran diagnostics on Deathscythe so that you wouldn't
lose the time."

Duo prickled for a moment, not liking even his love to handle his
Gundam, but then he conceded to necessity. He HAD needed the sleep.
"Thanks."

Heero nodded, once, and then began to run Duo through the new
mission. It was complicated. Heero was putting a great deal of trust
in Duo's ability in explosives. Some of the work would be delicate
and the timing was everything. Duo finally looked up, face shinning
and a big, genuine grin on his face.

"Thanks, Heero!"

Heero stared dispassionately. "I'm sending you on what might amount
to a suicide mission and you thank me?"

Duo shrugged and bounced from the bed. Heero reached out to save his
laptop again. "Yeah! I'm fighting for peace again, like I'm supposed
to, and you're deciding to trust me. Life can't get any better than
that!"

"For us," Heero agreed as he closed the laptop and stood up as well.

Duo's smile faltered, "Yeah, for us." Duo faced Heero. He looked
into the man's intense eyes, trying to see deep down where the man's
emotions were. "You sound depressed, Heero. That's not like you. You
live for this stuff!"

"We both do," Heero replied, "but I'm not the one who is bothered by
it. You're the one who wants to be 'normal'."

Duo frowned. "Why do you think that?"

Heero frowned back. "That's what you told me yesterday."

Duo tried to remember and didn't. It was all too drug hazed. "Yeah,
so I did," he said, trying to bluff his way through. "Stupid thing to
say. I must have been really tired."

"You didn't mean it?"

Duo turned away to briskly rub the towel over his hair one last time
before brushing it out. "No! Who wants to be normal? I'm Shinigami! I
have a bad ass Gundam! I have a cause! I'm a hero to a lot of
colonists. If I was normal, I'd be some Joe Shmoe nobody knows,
wiping my nose and worrying about acne in high school." He pretended
to shudder. "I think high school actually causes acne."

It was impossible to lie to Heero Yuy, but he could be distracted
from the topic easily enough. He shook his head. "Acne is caused by
hormonal imbalances, usually present in maturing girls and boys. Your
hypothesis that high school causes such outbreaks is based on faulty
observation and not enough research."

"Ah, K, Heero. You got me there," Duo agreed. "I'll look into that
some more... after I finish doing my hair, tweaking old Deathscythe,
packing my gear, setting up my bombs, memorizing layouts, conferring
with Trowa..." His stomach growled. Duo chuckled. "First things
first, though. Shinigami has to eat. Is there any breakfast left?"

"Quatre saw to it that enough was saved to fill your nutritional req-"

"Uh, K, Heero, too much information," Duo joked as he picked up his
brush and began on his hair. "Yes or no."

"Yes," Heero replied.

Duo braided his hair with masculine motions and then snapped a band
at the end. Tossing it over his shoulder, he leaned forward very
cautiously and kissed Heero lightly on the lips. He broke it almost
at once and headed for the door. "I think I'll go fulfill my
nutritional requirements."

"I will sleep," Heero replied.

Duo stopped at the door and looked back over his shoulder. "Why?"

"I spent the night working on Wing and I did the diagnostic on
Deathscythe this morning." Heero stretched out on his twin bed. It
was a few paces from Duo's bed, close enough to be intimate, but far
enough away to give Heero time to react If Duo lost the thread of
sanity.

"You didn't come in at all last night?" Duo remembered the dream
then and felt disappointment when Heero shook his head no. Somehow,
Duo had hoped that it had been Heero who had saved him from the
nightmares, that it had been Heero he had trusted enough to sleep
beside.

Something wrong?" Heero wondered.

"No," Duo replied and then smiled. "Later, Heero. You get some sleep."

***

"I didn't hear screams," Trowa said as he handed Duo two more pills.

"Really?" Duo wondered why not. The dreams had been as vicious as
ever, maybe even more so. Perhaps, he thought, the pills had kept him
under too deeply to make noises? That was a plus, even if they did
make the dreams worse. At least he felt like he had actually slept
and not having the added pressure of embarrassment was definitely an
improvement.

"You were briefed?" Trowa asked as he closed and locked the
medicines in their cabinet. Duo wondered why he bothered. Who didn't
he trust?

"Yeah, Heero talked me through it this morning," Duo replied.
"Complicated mission."

"Which is why you need rest and to be in top form," Trowa told him.

"Good thing those Oz bastards fixed my lungs then," Duo replied,
taking an unconscious deep breath appreciatively. After a severe bout
of pneumonia, that exercise had been impossible. Aside from ruining
his life with Heero and dragging him face down through Hell, the
return of his lung power, and therefore, his ability to accomplish
rigorous missions restored to him, Duo couldn't help the deep down
feeling that it was payment, however small, for his pain and
suffering.

Duo pocketed the pills. Trowa seemed uptight, angry even. Duo
thought that he understood.

"Hey, man! Sorry for trying to kill Quatre and all that," he said,
sounding lame even in his own ears. "I wasn't in my right mind then,
you know that."

Trowa looked even angrier, but he didn't reply, only gave Duo his
shoulder as he began doing some other work. When Duo didn't become
discouraged and leave, he said softly. "Quatre didn't deserve that.
You are a menace. I suggested that you be cut loose and your Gundam
taken away from you."

"Yeah, you're right, Quatre didn't deserve that," Duo agreed, angry
and outraged. "He was only trying to help me and I panicked and tried
to knife him. He's forgiven me though. Why won't you? We have to work
this mission together. We can't have this between us."

Trowa faced Duo, frowning as he said, "You are two people. Mirror
images of each other, but completely opposed in personality. One is a
laughing, good natured young man who fights whole heartedly for
peace. The other screams in his sleep, fears everyone, and tries to
kill people who get too close. The name Duo fits you perfectly. Two.
Two people. One I will gladly work with. The other... I only want him
gone."

"Me too," Duo replied with a twist in his gut. "But it's all those
people who had a hand in making the crazy Duo Maxwell that you should
be blaming, Trowa, not me."

"Blame you?" Trowa turned away again. "I don't blame you, but you,
of all people, should know that pity can't play a role in what we do.
I can't let you kill people and endanger missions because of
sympathy. I recovered from my past. I was an amusement for
mercenaries, remember? Why can't you do the same? Why can't you take
responsibility for the bad side of you and banish it forever?"

Duo suddenly reached out and squeezed Trowa's ass from behind. Trowa
started, went pale as milk, and backed up so fast that he upset a
tray of plastic bottles. Tray and bottles crashed and clattered to
the floor as Trowa kept backing up until he was against the wall of
the room. He stared at Duo with wide eyes.

"Recovered?" Duo mocked. "You're lying to me and lying to yourself.
Sleeping with Quatre doesn't prove anything. Even I'm not afraid of
Quatre when I'm in my right mind. Don't preach to me Trowa. I'll do
my job and I'll do it well. That's all that matters, all that should
matter to you."

Duo left him there, not finding any satisfaction in having
frightened the man. He wasn't surprised to find Quatre scrambling
into the cockpit of Deathscythe later on to speak with him.

"God! Not another lecture!" Duo swore as he chucked a wrench into
his tool box and closed an access panel. Wiping his greasy hands on a
rag, he slumped into the command chair. "Okay, Quatre! Get it over
with! Tell me what a bad boy I was!"

Quatre sat on the lip of the door, big blue eyes concerned and
expression determined. "Trowa wishes to apologize," he began.

Duo glanced mockingly around. "Really? I don't see him."

"He didn't think that it was a good idea to come in person," Quatre
explained patiently. "He thought that he had upset you enough."

"I'm not a girl, Quatre!" Duo snarled. "I don't need anyone feeling
sorry! Just forget it and let me do my work. I'm behind enough as it
is."

"Duo," Quatre sighed and then decided to be honest. "You like to
forget about things and pretend it's no big deal... but, it is, and
you know it. You can't forget your past. You can't pretend it never
happened... I know you want to..."

"That's Trowa's game, pretending things never happened," Duo
sneered. "I'm more honest. I'm not pretending to leave it behind and
forget about it, I just want to find a life past it, Quatre. Trowa
found one with you. I want- I want to find one with Heero." He shook
his head sharply, "but that's like asking for the sun and the moon!
We can never be normal, Quatre. We kill people for a living. We're
highly trained professionals. Even if I didn't have a past, there's
still that. Sooner or later, I'm not going to be as good as I think I
am and I'm going to die. Same with Heero. Hell, we would both
sacrifice each other in a heartbeat to accomplish a mission. That's
as far from normal as you can get and it isn't any improvement on
what I had before as a street rat on L2. We live from day to day and
we don't have time to feel sorry for ourselves or seek out
psychological help because I- because we're so screwed up we can't
stand to be with the people we love."

"After the war-" Quatre began, but Duo cut him off.

"Don't give me that fantasy either or you'll be as bad as Trowa,"
Duo retorted angrily. "If I live through the war, and I don't think I
will, no one will give a rat's ass about me, Quatre. No one's going
to say, 'sorry about the bad life, here's someone nice to adopt you
and the house with the picket fence you always dreamed about.' Next
you'll be trying to convince me that there's a Santa Claus."

Quatre raised sarcastic eyebrows. "There isn't?"

"My problems didn't start with the war, Quatre," Duo replied,
staying serious. "They won't end with it. Tell Trowa I meant what I
said. I can do the mission. He doesn't have to doubt or second guess
me. Quatre... don't let him take away the only thing I have that
makes life worth living."

"Isn't that Heero?" Quatre wondered softly.

"If I live so long....," Duo replied. "After the war... He will be."

***

It was dark by the time Duo wearily made his way back to his room.
The lights were off, but there was another, strange light at the
center of the room. Duo froze, startled, in the act of reaching for
his knife. He lowered his hand in the next moment and slowly made his
way towards the light, face filled with amazement.

On a low table was a globe fish bowl surrounded by glowing, white
tea candles. A pure white koi and a pure gold koi swam lazily in a
world of water and yellow and white rose petals.

Duo sank to his knees and rested his elbows on the table, staring,
confused, knowing perfectly well which perfect soldier had placed it
there. Even if he hadn't guessed, there was a small, crisp, white
note card placed in a small nest of gold and white tissue paper. In a
neat, precise script were the care and feeding instructions, a
drawing of the gold and white Koi swimming intertwined, and a simple
signature, 'Heero'.

"Why?" Duo wondered aloud.

"Normal people have pets," Heero replied from the doorway, "but our
dangerous, nomadic lives make keeping one impossible. I chose fish
because-"

"Because you won't be too sad when you have to leave them to die?"
Duo growled back without turning

"Yes," Heero replied, as always, truthful, "but they don't belong to
me. I'm giving them to you."

Duo stood with an angry, dismissive motion. "I don't need them,
Heero! You can flush 'em down the toilet now." At least then he would
know when it happened, when their little lives ended because of him
and the war, Duo thought sourly as he threw himself onto his bed and
curled up on his side away from Heero. "Thanks for the effort,
though," he amended after a moment., and then, "I know you're just
doing it because I'm upset about our shitty lives and you're afraid
I'll compromise the mission if I don't calm down."

"Yes," Heero replied. "Also... " Heero stopped, unable to go on.

"Also because you care about me and you can't tell me so," Duo
finished for him. He sighed darkly. "S'okay, Heero. Love you too.
I'll tell you what I told Trowa. I'll do my job. I'll feel sorry for
myself on my own time."

There was silence for a reply. Duo listened to Heero's footsteps.
They went into the bathroom. Duo's eyes flew open when he heard the
toilet lid clack as it was raised. He was off of the bed then,
rolling and running in one swift motion. He sprinted into the
bathroom and saw Heero holding the fish in their bowl poised, face
grim.

"Stop!" Duo snarled and then panted, fists clenched as Heero looked
at him questioningly. "I-I guess they don't take up much room."

"No," Heero replied.

"And they don't need a walk or to be- be cared for that much."

"No."

"Then..." Duo calmed himself and felt embarrassed. "Might as well...
since you went to all the trouble... Might as well let them hang
around for awhile longer."

Heero nodded, once, and then carried the bowl back to its place on
the table. He patiently hooked up a water pump and its numbing thrum
was soothing as it swirled the water and made the rose petals move
about the gold and white fish. Beautiful. No one knew just how
beautiful Heero was deep down, Duo thought. He was the only one
allowed to see it, allowed to be the recipient of Heero's moments of
pure poetry. Duo felt very unworthy of it.

"Sleep," Heero said as he stood. It sounded like a command, but his
tone was softer than that.

"What about you?" Duo wondered. He felt brave just then. The
soothing hum of the pump, the lights that shimmered over the walls,
and the intense blue of Heero's eyes were gifts. Duo felt something
was needed, a response of a tender kind.
Heero was shaking his head though. "I need to work on the mission.
There will be time after."

Duo sighed, disappointed, but glad that he was able to feel
disappointment over something like that. Maybe, he thought, things
were getting better between them at last. It was a hope and he took
it into sleep with him after Heero left and he had popped Trowa's
pills.

The dreams didn't care about hope. They dragged Duo down into their
depths almost immediately. He found himself running through the maze
like streets of an L2 slum, a police detail hot on his heels.

Pathetic attempt at escape. Where could a six year old boy hope to
go? A six year old boy with a scrap of clothing, an emaciated body,
and amethyst eyes, was too easy to spot, too easy to pick out of the
crowd. The long hair didn't help either. It flowed behind him, a
banner for the police to follow.

The crowd parted. Someone tripped him. Duo went sprawling on
asphalt. Skin left his knees and bits of hard matter drove into the
palms of his hands as he tried to keep his head from getting bashed.

"Street rat!" A hard hand pulled Duo to his feet and began dragging
him away from the decent people, the other officers following ,
laughing, and crudely joking like rabid wolves scenting his blood.
"Your pimps want you back. They paid us good money to fetch you and
they told us we could have a freebie. Ready to have some fun?"

"Shh, Duo," the comforting voice cut through the pain and the
horror. The dream faded and then returned like a pulsebeat.
He was screaming when they reached the whore house. The police
officers laughed as they threw him at the feet of his pimps. His
'owners' didn't even wait for them to leave, or to see what damage
they had done to their merchandise, before they disciplined Duo
severely.

"Shut up!" One yelled and drove a fist into Duo's small body. "You
are going to pay for this! I'm upping you to seven men a night until
we have our money back."

Duo kept screaming.

"Shut up! Shut up!"

"Shh, Duo," the voice said as it sent that nightmare whirling away
again. Warm skin. Warm scent. Soft clothes. Like silk, all of it.
Comforting, Human, Safe. Duo burrowed into it, felt strong arms wrap
about him. He wasn't afraid any more and the nightmares stayed away
for the rest of the night.

***

Duo awoke slowly. It took his mind a long time to work through the
last of the drug haze and to realize that he wasn't alone in bed.
That should have alarmed him, made him reach for his knife under the
pillow, but the person's silky clothes, his warm skin, and his
comforting scent didn't feel like a threat.

As in the dream, Duo burrowed closer and said one word happily,
"Heero."

"Wu Fei." That was Heero's voice, but it wasn't beside Duo.

"Yuy," a voice replied, the voice from the dream; Wu Fei's voice!

Duo's eyes flew open and he started. Wu Fei was stretched out in bed
with him, fully clothed, arms wrapped about Duo and body half propped
up on pillows. The Chinese boy was staring at the doorway. Heero
stood there, face dead of all emotion, but eyes windows to his soul.

"He needed help," Wu Fei explained. "Since you didn't give it, I
felt compelled to."

Heero's eyes, the ones that looked as if someone had slit his throat
and left him to bleed to death, turned from Wu Fei to Duo. They took
in Duo's body, comfortable and unafraid in Wu Fei's arms. The
judgment Duo saw there was harsh.

Duo untangled himself from Wu Fei, going pale and confused as he
staggered to his feet. "Heero! I don't- I didn't know- "

"You let him touch you, sleep with you," Heero stated coldly.

"I-" Duo didn't know what to say. He was as stunned as Heero. He
turned back to Wu Fei, but Wu Fei's face was as unreadable as Heero's.

Duo didn't know how to handle it. He had slept with Wu Fei in
complete trust. Wu Fei had driven away his nightmares. Wu Fei was in
his bed, had been in his bed the night before, if Duo could trust the
truth of his dreams. It didn't make any sense!

"I didn't know, Heero!" Duo repeated in desperate anguish.

"You did." Heero replied. "You did or you would have killed him."

Duo felt tears gathering. He dashed them away with a rough gesture
of one hand. He wanted to throw himself into Heero's arms, kiss him,
reassure him that he was still the only one that he, Duo, loved, but
he couldn't do it. Heero was angry, his intentions uncertain. It made
Duo afraid, afraid of what Heero might do if he tried to touch the
man.

Duo turned suddenly and grabbed a bag of his gear that he always
kept by his bed in case of sudden Oz raids. He couldn't handle the
situation. He had to get away where he could think. The dangerous
lick of madness was coming too close.

"I'm going!" Duo panted, bag clutched in both hands as if he needed
it to defend himself. "Have Trowa meet me at the rendezvous point."

"Duo," Wu Fei said gently. "You can't run from this. We need to talk."

"Like Hell, we do!" Duo exploded. "You guys talk, fight, whatever
you want. I- I can't.... I have a mission."

Heero moved out of Duo's way. His shoulders trembled just slightly
with the emotions he was keeping in check.

Say you love him, Duo urged himself, don't leave him like that. Duo
couldn't though. His mind was a mess. It was all he could do to
comfort and keep himself together. He couldn't spare even a second
for Heero as he dashed out of the door and headed towards his Gundam.

Warm skin, comforting arms, and a scent that was as relaxing as his
voice. Wu Fei. Duo dashed tears away again, cursed himself, and
wondered what new turn his madness had taken. Why Wu Fei? How had the
man been able to climb inside of his soul just like that and take all
the pain away? How had he taken the place that should have been
Heero's?

Duo's slogan ran through his head as he climbed into the cockpit of
his Gundam and revved the engines. "I may run, I may hide, but I
never lie." Well, he was running and hiding for certain, but he
wasn't ready to admit the truth to himself. He didn't know what the
truth was yet. Did he love Wu Fei and not Heero? His heart shouted,
no, but his mind wondered.

What did it matter, he said to himself at last. Wu Fei. Heero. It
was one in the same. They were all Gundam pilots in the middle of a
war. They didn't have the luxury of being normal young men. Jealousy.
Romance. Love. There wasn't time. There wasn't any place for it. The
missions were everything. Winning the war was everything. Normal had
to wait, wait until the killing stopped; wait until the fantasy of a
life after the war either came true or didn't.

****Owari****

Kracken: Oooh, so angsty, wasn't it? What's going to happen? Want to
know? Hm? Do ya? Do ya? Then feed the muse. Review me, please.

Duo: *mumble, mumble*
Kracken: What? Hey, what are you eating?
Duo: Virtual goodies.
Kracken: Hey! My fans sent that to me!
Duo: *scowls* You don't deserve it for that cliffhanger! Bad
Kracken! Bad!
Kracken: Wah! I won't do it again! Now, give me some!
Duo: *running away and laughing maniacally* No, it's all mine!
Kracken: *In hot pursuit* You better give me some or I'll have you
captured by Oz soldiers again!
Duo: *tossing candy over his shoulder* Okay, okay! Jeesh, if these
people only knew what a meanie you are without your sugar fix...

Go to Part 13: Epiphany

==========================================

Shinigami's Lover Arc 1: Part 13
Part 13: Epiphany
by Kracken (signs@screaminet.com)

Disclaimer: I don't own them, but, if I had the money, I would! Oh,
boy! Then they would be mine! Mine! All mine! BWAHAHAHAHA!
Warning: Yaoi. Men having sex with men. Violence. Language. Bombs.
Gun play. Angst. Poor Trowa! Poor Wuffie! Poor Quatre! Poor Duo! I
left someone out... oh, yeah! Poor Heero!

Duo: *scowls* Are you going to be mean again?
Kracken: Just for a little while and then there will be a really big
lemony lemon!
Duo: Oh, goody! 1x2? 2x1? 2x5? Oh, God! Not 2x3? Ack! Quatre will
kill me!
Kracken: You'll just have to see for yourself.
Duo: *scowls again* You ARE a Meanie.

==========================================

"Your information is incorrect," Heero said, his tone as cold as
space.

Wu Fei was seated on the edge of Duo's bed, staring across a
bubbling fish bowl at Heero. "Duo screamed in his sleep, every night,
yet you are saying that you were helping him?"

Heero was standing, hands clenched tight, face intense and dangerous
as he glared back at Wu Fei from under his wild bangs. "Yes."

Wu Fei wasn't relaxed on the bed. Every muscle was primed and ready
for action. He wasn't certain what Heero intended. Finding his lover
in Wu Fei's arms would have driven any other man insane with rage.
Yet, Heero wasn't any other man. He had been a trained soldier and an
assassin all of his young life. That he could even know how to love
and be compassionate, was something Wu Fei was finding it very hard
to believe.

Wu Fei's return volley was equally short. "Explain."

"Duo thinks that he is trash," Heero explained. "He doesn't think
that he deserves my... deserves emotional attachments." Wu Fei raised
an eyebrow as Heero picked through words as if he were embarrassed
for anyone to know that he had breached his training and fallen in
love. "He feels threatened by me because I want- because I offer
those attachments as well as sexual gratification. His nightmares
stem from his conflict with himself. He tries to flee into the past,
as if that's safe, familiar ground, but it isn't. I was allowing him
to realize that, to understand how far he's come from L2, and that he
can leave it behind and accept what I'm offering him."

"Which is?" Wu Fei pressed, unrelenting.

"Commitment," Heero replied without a flinch.

Wu Fei felt a tightening in his stomach. He didn't know what it was.
Jealousy? He scoffed. Anger? Yes, he had enough of that. Distrust?
That more than anything else. He didn't trust Heero Yuy.

"I couldn't listen to his screaming any longer," Wu Fei told Heero,
seething. "I had to come in here and try and calm him. I thought that
I could remind him of the relaxation techniques I had taught him. I
wasn't prepared when he pulled me onto the bed and into his arms." Wu
Fei glared at Heero and Heero glared back. "He calmed at once. I
seemed able to shake him out of his dreams. Damn it, Yuy, it should
have been you in that bed! Do you have to handle everything so coldly
and logically? He just needed a human anchor! It could have been
anyone, not just me!"

"He will not allow it," Heero replied and Wu Fei saw a flicker of
what Heero was really feeling. It was powerful; heartbreaking. The
man settled his iron mask again so quickly that Wu Fei doubted seeing
it. "He fights me. He fears me." Heero pulled up his tank top and
showed Wu Fei his wash board stomach. There was a neat line of
stitches there. "He did this the last time I attempted to calm him
from a nightmare."

Wu Fei didn't understand. Why him and not Heero, the young man Duo
was closest to? "Heero," Wu Fei said, stressing his words "Duo and I
are not even friends. We are comrades in arms, nothing more. My
attempts to help him are only out of concern for him as a soldier; a
soldier I have to rely on." When Heero stared at him in disbelief, Wu
Fei decided to be more blunt. "Nataku is the only one in my life, now
or ever, Heero Yuy. Together, we deliver justice. I have dedicated my
life to that. I would not dishonor myself by forgetting it."

"That doesn't change how Duo might feel about you," Heero replied.
"If he does care for you... more than for me... If you can bring him
peace and the life he craves, I will step aside."

Wu Fei stood and bowed low. "You honor me," he said and he meant it.
The man was clearly ready to sacrifice for Duo. "I doubted the
sincerity of your friendship with Maxwell. It seems that you are
capable of a greater share of humanity than I gave you credit for.
You are mistaken about my intentions towards Maxwell, though, I don't
wish any sort of relationship with him. If he does secretly care for
me, I will have to hurt him when I reject him."

"We will discuss the situation with Duo when he returns," Heero
replied as Wu Fei straightened.

"Agreed. I want to know his mind as much as you do."

Wu Fei began moving around the fish bowl. It had caught his eyes
last night, but Duo had been of more importance. Now he stared at the
beautiful thing, fascinated. "Two koi, gold and white. Rose petals
swirling like snow in the water, yellow and white. It is harmony."

Wu Fei looked up and saw a glitter in Heero's eyes before he stalked
out of the room. "It was meant to be," the young man said over his
shoulder.

***

"Good thing we're used to this sort of treatment, right Trowa?"

Trowa grunted in reply as he lowered himself to a sitting position
on the floor against one wall. He rested his manacled wrists against
his knees and looked dejectedly at nothing.

Duo remained standing, hunched over his many bruises, his one arm
numb and hanging uselessly at his side. His face was livid with
bruises and blood seeped from a split bottom lip. He wiped it away
and winced as he surveyed the small, gray cell they had been placed
in.

"You shouldn't have tried to save me," Trowa finally said.

"Sorry, Trow-man!" Duo chuckled, "I don't leave my buddies to die
when I think I can save them. It was only one guy. The day Shinigami
can't take care of one lone Oz soldier... who knew that Oz guard had
friends so close by?"

"I deserved to die," Trowa replied softly. "I should have been more
careful. I should have seen him."

Duo shrugged and then winced at the pain that caused him. "How could
you know that an Oz soldier would be taking a whizz in a shuttle
tunnel right where we had to be? I didn't know. Does that make me
guilty too?"

"They will torture us," Trowa said with clenched hands. He looked up
at Duo, studying his face. "They may..."

Duo grinned, but his eyes were a little wild and his grin was pasted
on. "Naw! They've got women here. I saw them! Contrary to popular
belief, Trowa, most Oz soldiers would rather avoid Gundam boy ass.
Besides, nobody gave me any 'looks'. I know it when I see it, believe
me."

"Still, they will try and force us to reveal why we are here," Trowa
replied. "If you become unstable..."

Duo tensed and then he revealed to Trowa a part of himself. It was
painful. Embarrassing, but Duo was afraid for his skin. It wouldn't
take much effort for Trowa's strong hands to snap his neck as soon as
he fell asleep or gave the man the slightest opportunity. "Trowa,
when I flip out, I revert to a six year old. That six year old
doesn't know shit about missions or Gundams."

Trowa narrowed his eyes and then he looked away, uncomfortable.
"Understood," he said softly.

"When I am in my right mind," Duo continued. "I am a Gundam pilot. I
won't talk, no matter what they do. I've been tested before, Trowa,
and I've passed the test. That's why Heero let me go on this mission."

"I trust his judgment."

"You should," Duo told him matter- of -factly. "He'd kill me to
finish a mission and I'd let him. Don't ever forget that." Duo
hobbled to the wall and leaned against it. He surveyed the small cell
minutely. "I don't see any monitoring devices, do you?"

"Doesn't mean they aren't there," Trowa replied.

"Have to take the chance anyway," Duo said. "The best time to escape
is when they are all still patting themselves on the back for having
captured us."

Trowa snorted skeptically. "What do you suggest? We are unarmed. We
are in a cell."

"Don't think negatively, Trow-man!" Duo grinned. "Just be ready, K?"

"Is your arm broken?" Trowa asked.

"Sprained and numb," Duo replied. "I have bruised ribs and a swollen
knee. I also have a headache. Don't worry. None of that is going to
slow me down. If everything goes right, I won't have to fight."

"It was foolish to insult the soldiers after they captured us,"
Trowa remarked sourly. "You would be in better shape to escape if you
had just stayed silent as I did and complied with their orders."

Duo snorted, "Do you really think they wouldn't have hit me if I had
played nice?"

"They didn't strike me," Trowa replied.

"You didn't just kill one of their buddies."

"True."

There was a long silence. Duo didn't like silences. They let him
think too much. He moved away from Trowa to be closer to the door.

"Why did you leave early for the mission?" Trowa suddenly asked.

"Both Heero and Wu Fei wanted to do me and they were going to fight
about it," Duo explained caustically. "I didn't want to be torn like
a bone between two dogs, so I left."

Trowa frowned and pulled his knees in close to his body. He didn't
like explicit talk like that.

"When I get back, I'm going to dump both of them," Duo went on, more
to himself than to Trowa, trying to convince himself that it's what
he wanted, that it wouldn't hurt. "Shinigami doesn't need a
boyfriend. He just needs his Gundam and Oz soldiers to cut in half. I-
," he swallowed hard and looked away, one hand rubbing his numb arm.
"I did better when I was alone, when I didn't have someone coming
close and tripping my mental land mines."

"Lonely life," Trowa murmured.

Duo glared and then he grinned. "Yeah, but I've been alone most of
my life. I'm used to it."

"So was I," Trowa replied. "I wouldn't go back to that, ever."

"Sometimes, you don't have a choice," Duo bristled.

"Isn't it a choice you're making?" Trowa wondered.

Duo glared at the pilot of Heavyarms and then shrugged as he half
turned away with a wince of pain. "You don't even know what happened."

Trowa didn't reply. Duo was sure he didn't care. Duo didn't mind
that. He wished that he didn't care either.

The door opened and a man entered. Duo sprang forward and shoved his
elbow into the soldier's windpipe before he could react. Trowa
scrambled to his feet as the man fell face first onto the floor, body
jerking and thrashing for the air his crushed throat wouldn't give
him.

Duo stepped over the soldier, injured arm held close to his body. He
looked back at Trowa and grinned. "Come on! Get his gun and pull on
his clothes. We have a mission to finish."

Trowa was still skeptical, but he didn't hesitate as he struggled to
undress the now dead soldier. Throwing off his own clothes, he donned
his disguise.

"A little big," Duo commented critically and then grinned wider.
"Okay, Trow-man. You're the big, bad Oz prison guard and I'm your
handsome prisoner. We have x amount of time before the people,
waiting for that poor guy on the floor to bring us to them, realizes
that he isn't going to show up."

"Obviously," Trowa bit out irritably as he pointed the gun at Duo.
"But what is our objective now?"

"The bombs are all set," Duo replied cheerily. "We just finish the
mission. Isn't that obvious too?"

Trowa looked ready to pull the trigger on Duo. "They took everything
that we had," he said, narrowing his eyes at Duo and trying to fathom
his sudden lapse of memory.

Duo grinned proudly. "Not everything!" Duo reached into the back of
his hair and pulled out a very slim detonator and a small ball of
tacky explosive.

Trowa's eyes widened in shock and he shifted his grip on the gun as
if his hand was suddenly shaking. "You- you could have blown off your
head!"

"Wouldn't have felt a thing!" Duo chuckled edgily. "Anything for the
mission, Trowa. Now, let's get out of here."

Trowa nodded, a new look of respect for Duo on his face. Duo was
used to that. He knew that they all thought of him as a demented
baka, well, everyone except for Heero. That made him think of the
intense pilot of Wing, the only person who really understood him.

The pain welled up inside of Duo and it was hard to push it back
down. Why? Why had he trusted Wu Fei and not Heero? Duo's world had
turned upside down and he was certain that he didn't like the view.
He didn't love Wu Fei. He didn't want to be with Wu Fei. He couldn't
even imagine making love to the man...

As they slipped down an empty corridor, Duo tensed as a thought
occurred to him. He couldn't imagine Wu Fei making love to him
either. The man seemed sexless, uninteresting. It was easy to see
that his body was under intense control and that his thoughts were in
a higher place. He communed with Nataku constantly. He meditated. He
never indulged in anything. Even friendship was a cold, controlled
thing. The man was a definite loner. Only Nataku was good enough for
his company.

Heero, on the other hand, was sex, lust, love, and a bundle of young
hormones. In his company, Duo felt the violent 'need' in him and felt
the same response in himself. When they were together, Duo's mind
knew that someone was going to get fucked and his mind was never sure
it was going to be Heero. That fear of Heero's masculinity was what
was fueling Duo's madness and making him uncertain, unstable, and
dangerous in the presence of the pilot of Wing.

"Patrol," Duo whispered.

They backed up into another corridor and crouched, waiting for the
men to pass. The soldiers were walking easily, unconcerned. The cell
guard hadn't been missed yet, Duo surmised. They still had time.

"We can go this way, through the less used munitions storage
section," Trowa said as he motioned Duo to follow him through an
access hatch. It was almost a foot thick, meant to keep munitions
safe in case of an attack. The air was stagnant.

"That might be a problem," Duo remarked nervously. "It's airtight.
They didn't want any degradation."

Trowa frowned. "We can't turn on the ventilation. Someone will
notice that. It will set off alarms."

"How far through this do we have to go?" Duo wondered. "Are there
any other access hatches?"

"It's a long way," Trowa replied thoughtfully, "but there are access
hatches periodically, put there in case any unlucky accounting clerk
was left behind from an inventory unit, I suppose. They may not be
close enough to do us any good though. It wasn't anticipated that
anyone would try and walk through the entire section."

Duo stared down the dimly lit corridor and felt a chill. He put on
his best maniacal grin. "Ready for a foot race, Trow-man?"

Duo jogged regularly, it helped him relieve anxiety and depression.
Duo knew that, though Trowa was a superb acrobat and toned beyond
belief, his muscles weren't developed for running.

"Don't wait for me," Trowa told Duo, reading his thoughts in his eyes.

"I won't," Duo assured him. "I'm not in the best of shape either,
after being used for an Oz punching bag. Don't wait for me either."

"Understood." Trowa tucked his gun into his Oz holster and sprinted
down the corridor without another word.

Duo closed the door and locked it before sprinting after him. The
pain wasn't anything he couldn't bear with, but it hampered his
stride. He found himself lagging behind Trowa.

Lungs, working... legs, working... stamina, a-okay, Duo thought, but
the stale air was like breathing soup and his lungs were doing double
duty to get enough of it. That used up precious energy. As they
passed metal shelving that reached up to the very high ceiling, and
Duo caught shadowy glimpses of missiles and mobile suit parts, he
began to have real trouble.

Trowa grabbed Duo hard by the arm just as a red haze was settling
over Duo's eyes. His brain was screaming for oxygen. He was beginning
to die. Still, that grip that was forcing him somewhere, somewhere
unknown, plunged him into fear and awful memory.

"L-Let go," he wheezed with his last breath. "Y'r not doin' me, y'
bst'rd!"

That hand ignored Duo and jerked him hard to the right. Duo swung at
the figure behind it. That figure ducked and punched him back. Duo's
head snapped sideways and lights shot through the red haze. Why
fight? They always won, he thought. Fighting just made them hurt him
more.

A door creaked open on metal hinges and air whooshed in. Both Trowa
and Duo collapsed in the doorway. It was long minutes before either
one of them could think clearly enough to look up and down the
corridor for soldiers. Luckily, the corridor was empty. They were
safe for the moment.

Duo came back to himself. He rubbed at his jaw, winced, and then
looked guiltily at Trowa from under his long, chestnut bangs. "Sorry,
man!" he managed between pants. "Lost it there for a second."

"Good thing that you didn't have your knife," Trowa replied angrily.
He sat up and leaned against the door jamb. Duo leaned against the
other side and they watched the corridor in opposite directions.

"You won't ever let up about that, will you?" Duo replied. He wiped
grime from his face and smeared it on his black pants.

"What?" Trowa snapped.

"You know," Duo prompted sourly. "About me trying to accidentally
kill Quatre with my knife."

"Accidentally?" Trowa snarled back.

Duo rubbed his numb arm. "Quatre's my best friend, Trowa. He still
is."

"We don't have time for this. Be silent and get your breath back,"
Trowa ordered. "If we stay too long, an alarm will go off."

Duo didn't argue. Trowa was right.

They closed the door a lot sooner than Duo would have wished. He
still felt dizzy, but he forced his legs to pump as they began to jog
down the corridors again. Shinigami racing with Shinigami. Duo
laughed at the thought. Trowa glanced back at him with a frown, but
didn't ask him anything as they tried to reach the next doorway.

"Cluster bombs," Duo gasped. He took a frightening chance and paused
long enough to press his sticky explosive against one before hurrying
to catch up to Trowa.

Twenty four explosives, all with chips set to the detonator tucked
into the breast of Duo's coat. All that was needed now was a quick
check to make certain that the ones in the mobile suit hanger were
still in place before the fireworks could begin.

Trowa was true to his word. He didn't wait for Duo when Duo
collapsed. Duo could see him up ahead, struggling with the door. He
only had to make it that far, a matter of a few yards. He wasn't
going to fail the mission. He wasn't going to fail Heero. He was
going to make it!

Duo pushed himself along on hands and knees in a last ditch effort
scramble. His lungs burned, laboring and drawing in nothing but
stagnant dust. Duo's heart ticked down his last moments of life even
as his sudden surge of adrenalin gave it the kick start it needed to
keep his body in motion.

Air! Duo gasped it in as he reached the perimeter of it as it rushed
through the opening hatchway. He collapsed almost into Trowa's lap
and then simply sprawled face down on the cold floor while his body
tried to live.

"Over kill," Trowa rasped and then coughed.

"Huhhh?" Duo mumbled around his gasping.

"Already set bomb... above, " Trowa said. "Stupid... stop... plant
another."

"T-Thu- rough," Duo coughed out indignantly and then didn't say
anything more as he slowly began to revive.
Silence. He hated silence. Thoughts rushed in on Duo as much as he
fought to think about nothing. On the knife edge of life or death,
his thoughts twisted and turned on the what might have been's.

"T-Trowa...," Duo struggled, needing the answer to his question. "H-
How, know it's personal, but, how were you able to-to be with Quatre?"

Trowa was silent so long that Duo began to feel foolish and
embarrassed. Why couldn't he keep his mind on the mission? Why did he
have to try and work through his unsolvable problems now when he
barely had enough breath to go on living? Yet that was it, he knew,
the fact that it might be his last breath, that he might die not
understanding, not knowing the answer to the puzzle that was his mind.

Trowa replied raspily, short and to the point. "It was Quatre, n-not
s-stinking mercenary."

"Simple as that?" Duo panted back, almost having the strength to be
mocking.

"Focus," Trowa replied.

"Hn?"

"Concentrate."

Duo shook his head and levered himself off of the floor.

Trowa suddenly grabbed Duo's chin hard and leaned in close. Duo
froze, wide eyed. Trowa motioned between their faces.

"Concentrate," he repeated and then released Duo roughly. "Don't
remember. Don't get lost."

Trowa frowned as he turned to scan the corridor. He looked back at
Duo and then forced out one more word. "Tranquilizers."
Duo stared and then he snorted and choked on laughter. "Huh!" he
exclaimed, remembering how easy he had been with Heero after he had
taken the pills Trowa had given him. Duo remembered curling up and
going to sleep without a qualm, relaxed and trusting Heero completely.

There was a noise down the corridor. Trowa closed the door and
locked it. They didn't have any choice but to try and make it to the
next door. Duo doubted very much that they would and it was his fault
for not being able to keep his mouth shut.


Shinigami's epitaph, Duo thought as he forced his body down the
corridor, 'Talked too much'. Maybe it was fitting. He felt wild then,
as adrenalin surged through his body. It was a thrill, a rush, to be
so close to dying, to strive with all that was in him not to; a
gamble with the worst odds.

Duo slammed into Trowa, crushing the slim acrobat into a door. The
man was frantically opening it. Duo helped. They tangled. Trowa
shoved Duo back and finished the job himself. He only cracked the
door though and they both pressed their noses to it and breathed in
deep.

Trowa held a finger to his lips unnecessarily as he pressed an eye
against the crack as well. It was a long moment before he nodded that
they were safe for now. He opened the door a bit wider and they both
sat on the floor.

It took up precious time regaining their strength. Duo bit his lip,
again and again, and didn't say the hundred things that leapt into
his mind. He didn't have the breath for them anyway. If he didn't
have permanent brain damage by the time they escaped that munitions
coffin, he would consider himself lucky. As it was, he felt hazy and
slightly disoriented. It wasn't the kind of shape he wanted to be in
for the next phase of their mission. Most of the bombs were planted
on the scaffolding surrounding the mobile suits in areas that
personnel didn't general go. Walking out on thin girders was more
suited to Trowa's talents, but the young man didn't look any better
than Duo. They were going to have to work together to check each bomb.

"Alarms were reported in each section of munitions," a voice
suddenly said and the door began to open. "The pilots must be in
here. Be prepared. They are highly trained."

"I heard they're just boys and one pretty enough to be a girl,"
another man scoffed. "A boy with five feet of braided hair doesn't
sound dangerous to me."

"Except maybe in bed!" another laughed. No one joined in the
laughter. There was grumbling disgust instead.

Three, Duo thought as he nodded to Trowa to show that he was ready.
They stood on either side of the door and waited for the Oz soldiers
to fall into the trap.

The door pushed all the way open and men, with guns held laxly in
their hands, came through single file. That was a problem. Duo froze
and hoped Trowa would do the same until the last man had passed
through. Trowa did and, as if on cue, he pushed the door shut and
brought his hand down on the neck of the last man in line. There was
a sickening crack and the man fell in a dead heap, gun clattering to
the floor. Trowa picked the gun up, but he didn't fire, afraid of
hitting the stored, deadly equipment beyond.

The other men turned at the noise. Duo's booted foot sank into one
man's stomach. When the man bent over convulsively, Duo shifted feet
and brought his knee up into the soldier's chin. As that man
collapsed, the third soldier grabbed Duo's long braid and jerked,
ignoring Trowa as the young man threatened him with the gun.

Duo whirled at the touch of that hand on his precious braid. Eyes
wild and lips pulled back in a snarl, he snapped a foot into the
man's chin. When the man fell to the floor, his eyes were open and
glazed. Duo had broken his neck. "Nobody touches the hair!"
Duo shouted at the dead man.

"Duo!" Trowa hissed. When Duo continued to pant and glare at the
dead man, he tried again, desperate to shake Duo out of his mood.
"Duo, Heero is counting on us!"

Duo flinched and then nodded shakily as Trowa opened the door again.
"Yeah. Don't worry, I'm on it."

Duo shrugged into an Oz coat and slapped on one of the men's caps.
He couldn't pass like Trowa close up, but it might do at a distance,
he thought. Pocketing a gun, he slipped out through the door after
Trowa.

The ceiling of the hanger was four stories tall and most of it was
cloaked in shadows. It was late at night and there weren't many
workers about to pose much of a threat. It was easy for the two
pilots to slip in and out of those shadows and crawl around the
scaffolding surrounding the long line of mobile suits. They found all
of their bombs still in place. Oz must have assumed that the young
men hadn't had time to carry out their plans.

"Their stupidity amazes me," Trowa said as they descended to the
floor.

"Not stupidity," Duo panted as he wiped sweat from his forehead,
"Just so over regulated, and sliced and diced into sections, that
nobody knows what anybody else is doing. It'll probably take hours
before those soldiers we killed are missed and then hours more before
anyone can be found to make a decision about it."

"We will be gone by then," Trowa replied as they slipped towards the
hanger doors.

"And back again with the Gundams," Duo grinned. He rubbed his hands
in anticipation. " I hope Heero did his job. By the time we detonate
the bombs, and then cut up whatever tries to escape, there isn't
going to be a scrap of mobile suit plans left to read."

Trowa stared at Duo as they went into the cold darkness of night.
"You did well, Duo."

Duo grinned wider and chuckled. "Thanks, Trow-man. It's why Heero
keeps me around."

***

"We just want to talk to you, Maxwell," Wu Fei growled as he crossed
his arms over his chest and sat cross legged on a low rock.

It was bitterly cold and the rock must have been freezing, But Wu
Fei didn't look physically uncomfortable.

Heero stood close by Duo, hands relaxed at his sides, and
unthreatening as possible. He was wearing jeans and a thick coat, his
hair a wild tangle over his intense eyes. He looked very handsome
just then, Duo thought, and wished there had been a better homecoming
than this.

After hiding their Gundams near the safe house, mission
accomplished, Duo and Trowa had approached the house in high spirits.
When Duo had seen Wu Fei and Heero waiting for him on the front
porch, Trowa had passed him by, and passed them by, going to his own
sweet reunion with Quatre. Duo had stopped and refused to come
another step closer to the porch. He didn't think his own homecoming
was going to be as sweet.

Duo fingered his gun in his coat pocket, letting it comfort him and
make him feel safe as he confronted the two serious young men. He
tried for cheery, "What's up, guys?"

Heero searched for words. That never came easy with him.
Impatiently, Wu Fei interrupted him before he could speak. "Heero
wants you to tell him what you want, Maxwell. He wants you to decide
whether you want to remain companions or...," He trailed off and
frowned. He still didn't like to think of the real relationship
between Heero and Duo, or Quatre and Trowa for that matter, but it
was going to be impossible to resolve the situation unless he faced
facts and dealt with those facts properly.

"Or?" Duo echoed defensively.

"Or have relations with me," Wu Fei finished and scowled as he felt
a blush cover his cheeks.

Duo was very quiet, thinking, and then he asked, "Do you want a
relationship with me, Wu Fei?"

Wu Fei studied the pilot of Deathscythe. On the verge of becoming a
man, he was still delicate and beautiful, with none of the coarseness
and awkwardness of youth. His hair was a marvel and, more than once,
Wu Fei had wondered what it would be like to touch it, hold it, and
run his fingers through it. His eyes, like amethyst crystals, seemed
lively and full of joy even when he was tense and frowning, like he
was now. Bruises marked that beautiful face and one arm hung as if it
were injured. Wu Fei felt anger and a need to have revenge on the Oz
soldier that had done such things to Duo, yet...

"No, don't be ridiculous," Wu Fei replied and ignored a deep pang in
his heart. "I don't want you in any way, shape, or form. That is a
weakness and I, Maxwell, am not weak. My spirit, my chi, is centered
on the fight for Justice. That is all I desire in this world. Nataku
awaits me in the other."

Duo glared at Heero. "Are you satisfied?"

"Satisfied that he doesn't want you," Heero replied, but he was
unrelenting in wanting the truth from Duo. "Do you want him?"

Duo said angrily, "I had time to think, while I was a guest of Oz,"
he replied, "I thought about a lot of things."

"What things?" Heero wondered.

He was waiting for a death blow Duo realized and it made him feel
all powerful and in control. He reveled in it, enjoying it, until he
realized that it was pain Heero was feeling, and that he didn't
deserve it. "Will you believe what I tell you?"

"You don't lie, but your 'truth' can be too convenient."

"Yuy!" Wu Fei snapped angrily. "Give him a chance to speak."

"You are done here," Heero shot back at him. "Go."

Wu Fei stood, glaring. "You two are impossible! If you trusted one
another, there wouldn't be these problems between you. It was trust
that let Maxwell sleep next to me, not desire."

Heero stiffened and his hands went into fists. His cobalt blue eyes
leveled at Duo as he said. "Trust me and come, or stay and let Wu Fei
be the one you trust."

It was the moment of final decision, Duo knew, and that's what Heero
was saying to him. Choose. Take the final step. Trust or don't trust.
Love or crush their love underfoot, never to be spoken of again.

Heero turned and walked back into the house. Duo stared after him
and then swallowed hard. He glanced at Wu Fei, "Sorry Wu-man, I'm
going with Heero." and he did, following quickly after the pilot of
Wing.

Wu Fei sighed. "There was never any doubt of that," he said to the
bitter wind and then smiled. It was as it should be. He looked at the
world around him, seeing something else besides the deep woods and
the patches of snow. "Yes, I am done being foolish, Nataku," he said
and went to tend to her memory and her spirit.

***

Duo closed and locked the door of his and Heero's room. The fish
bowl was still on its low table, water swirling, but free of rose
petals. The two koi chased each other lazily, gold and white. Heero
was by the bed. He turned at the sound of the locking door and

Duo saw tension leave the young man's shoulders.

"You're a part of me," Duo told him. "I'd die if I tried to cut you
out of my life."

Heero held out his hand. Duo stared at it. "Trust me, or this is
over, no matter how you feel. No matter how I feel."

Duo went pale. "M-Maybe I should take something. Trowa takes
tranquilizers..."

"No," Heero told him firmly. "Not between us. Trust or don't trust.
If you're drugged through this, then it will be a lie." Heero held up
a small tube of lube and then he placed it carefully on the side
table beside Duo's bed.

"I trusted Wu Fei because I know he didn't want that from me," Duo
said softly.

"That doesn't change this."

"No, it doesn't," Duo agreed. He took a deep breath, ready to argue
still. "W-What if I hurt you?"

"Will you?" Heero replied calmly.

"I don't know."

"I will do something 'they' never did, Duo," Heero said. "I will ask
you. I will ask you if you want to do this."

Duo felt tears. He fought them. "You've always asked, Heero."

"Not this," Heero replied. "I've never asked for this."

"It's time you did," Duo admitted. "It hasn't felt right, me being
on top. I-," he blushed. "I want it the other way. I-I just don't
know if I can let you fuck me."

"I don't want to fuck you," Heero replied and held out both hands
now, palms up; strong, calloused hands capable of anything. "I want
to make love to you."

Duo swallowed again and wiped at his eyes. The six year old in him
screamed, no!, but the young man, the young man who loved the pilot
of Wing, was screaming, yes!

"I'll try," Duo whispered and stepped forward. It was hard. His feet
were like lead. To reach out and put his hands into Heero's hands was
like reaching into a fire. Heero didn't squeeze them. He let Duo's
hands rest lightly in his hands as he gently led Duo to the bed.

Heero didn't say anything except, "Keep your eyes on my face. Know
that it's me, Duo. Me, not someone else. Not anyone who will hurt
you."

"Don't get lost," Duo replied with a weak smile. "That's what Trowa
told me."

Heero gave a firm nod and then slowly put his fingers to work on
Duo's clothes. He went slowly, sensually, removing each piece as if
he loved them as much as he loved Duo. When he took Duo's shirt and
kissed it softly, before dropping it at their feet, Duo felt his
groin tighten in response and it wasn't in fear.

Heero undressed himself with equal slowness, not wanting any part of
it quick or startling to Duo. He let Duo run his eyes appreciatively
over every newly revealed bit of flesh until Heero was as naked as
Duo. Then Heero touched Duo's chest, watching his fingers,
concentrating for all that he was worth on being gentle as he swirled
them around Duo's hardening, pink nipples.

Duo gasped. He half closed his eyes, feeling a flush as those
sensitive nubs of flesh were teased.

"Lay down.... on the bed," Heero told him. "Just your back."

Duo sank down uncertainly, back on the bed and hips hanging off the
edge with his feet on the floor. He was trembling. He wanted to get
up and run at that moment. He envisioned Heero grabbing his legs and
possessing him immediately and he wasn't ready, would never be ready
for that.

Instead, though, Heero kneeled in front of Duo's knees and took hold
of the tube of lube. Duo heard the cap unscrew and then he felt
Heero's fingers at his entrance. Duo flinched and bit down on a
whimper. He was going to scream. He could feel it welling up from his
soul.

"Tell me about the mission," Heero asked suddenly. "Give me a
mission report, in detail."

Duo's mind clambered for the safety line Heero had thrown him. He
was suddenly angry, angry at himself. "We were captured. We were
setting explosives in the shuttle tunnel when we stumbled on an Oz
soldier taking a leak."

Heero wasn't amused. "You were captured by one Oz soldier peeing?"

"I can handle one Oz soldier Heero!" Duo retorted.

"Then how did you get captured?"

"There were others-" Duo groaned and tensed as Heero slid in a finger.

"How many?" Heero demanded. "How many Oz soldiers did it take to
bring down two, trained Gundam pilots?" He sounded irritated,
accusing. That brought Duo's attention away from the invading finger.

"They were armed Oz soldiers!" Duo retorted. "It was either get
captured or get shot. I thought being alive would give us the
opportunity to escape and finish the mission."

Another finger slid in. "Look me in the face," Heero demanded softly
and Duo looked down his body to Heero's serious expression. It
stopped another scream from emerging. It stopped Duo from reaching
for his knife. He shook though, like a leaf in a strong wind.

"Tell me how you escaped."

Duo related the events. Heero made him go into detail at certain
points and made him repeat certain facts. Duo hardly noticed when he
slid in three fingers, but, when he began a gentle massage, Duo's
trembling stopped.

"W-What are you doing?" Duo demanded, startled and not certain what
to think.

"Relaxing you, opening you up," Heero replied.

"I-I never did that for you. No one ever... not to me. Why didn't
you say something?" Duo wondered guiltily.

"I like it rough," Heero responded with a small smile. "You don't.
I'm making love to you, Duo. This is part of it. This isn't a fuck.
This isn't a rape. This isn't me taking from you. You are going to
offer it by the time I'm through."

"You dream nice dreams, Baby," Duo sighed, but it did feel nice,
what Heero was doing. It was just his fingers. It almost wasn't like
sex at all. Duo could almost fool himself, but then he felt Heero's
tongue and he jumped and grew tense again. Duo had been used to bites
and demanding, hurtful mouths. They had never been interested in his
pleasure, only their own.

Heero licked underneath Duo's balls and then slowly came around
them, over them, and then gently drew them into his warm, moist
mouth. Duo sat up on his elbows, astonished. He couldn't help the
groan or the gasp as he felt Heero's tongue lap over sensitive flesh.
While he mouthed Duo, his fingers continued to massage and stretch
him. Duo shuddered and it wasn't from fear. He wrapped the fingers of
one hand into Heero's hair, the sensations so intense that he almost
couldn't bear them. He had a sudden urge to push Heero off and make
them stop.

"I'll stop," Heero assured Duo as he released the young man's balls
and looked over Duo's throbbing cock to meet his eyes. "If you want,
I'll stop."

The conflict inside of Duo was making his head hurt. There was
something inside of him that didn't believe Heero, that expected
violence at any moment. It was all a trick, that voice said, kill him
before... but Duo didn't reach for the knife under his pillow. There
was another, stronger voice, a voice that begged him to let Heero
continue. It wanted more of this gentleness, a gentleness he had
never known before.

"No," Duo breathed. "Don't- Don't stop."

Heero's fingers withdrew. He stood up, but he crouched, not wanting
to tower over Duo. He lifted one of Duo's legs and ran hands along
it, massaging sore muscles until he reached Duo's foot. Once at Duo's
foot, he began to massage it with expert, strong fingers.

"W-What?" Duo was completely confused now. He watched Heero and
Heero watched him back, the corners of his lips lifting slightly as
he let his blue eyes fill with love and passion for Duo.

It was wonderful and relaxing. Duo lay back into the mattress,
sighing. If Heero wanted to give him a massage instead of having sex,
that was fine with him. When he felt the tip of Heero's cock touch
his entrance, he felt almost betrayed. He stiffened and let loose a
curse as he reached for his knife, expecting a quick thrust, a
painful violation from Heero. When it didn't come, Duo paused with
his hand closed tightly on his knife hilt.

Heero began a slow rubbing motion with the tip of his cock, while,
at the same time, he sucked Duo's big toe into his mouth. Duo felt
the roots of his hair tingle as an electric sensation traveled from
that toe all the way to his groin. Duo hadn't known that a toe could
be so sensitive. He gasped at the warm, sucking motion of Heero's
mouth, wide eyed and frozen, not certain how to react to it.

Duo whimpered. He wanted to pull away again. It was too much, the
rubbing of that cock against his tender entrance and the odd,
embarrassing feeling of Heero's mouth on his toe.

"I'll stop," Heero repeated as he released the toe and poised his
mouth over another one.

Again Duo had an inner conflict and again the frightened six year
old lost. "No."

Heero smiled, a wondrous stretching of muscles that weren't used to
such an expression. His mouth claimed its prize and Duo moaned and
gripped the bed sheets with his fingers as Heero worked over each
toe. When Heero finished there, he then lifted Duo's other leg and
started on them. All the while, his cock kept up its maddening
rubbing. Duo moaned and threw back his head, tensing and shivering
with sensation.

Suddenly, Heero's cock began to enter. Duo was only dimly aware of
it. He was well stretched now and lubed more than was necessary.
Still, Heero was large and the intrusion didn't go unnoticed for
long, yet Duo found himself unable to do anything about it. He was
panting at the feeling of being 'filled' by warm stiffness. It stung.
It pulsed with pain more than once, but Heero soothed and comforted
Duo, spoke words of love, massaged and caressed in such a distracting
manner that Duo couldn't respond. When Heero ran fingers lightly up
and down the length of Duo's cock, making it weep with precum, Duo
wasn't even aware when Heero pushed in the last inch of his cock and
then went motionless.

"Tell me...," Heero breathed, trying to remain in control. "Should I
stop, Duo? Do you want me stop?" As he said this he straightened from
his crouch and pushed Duo's knees back just a little, holding onto
them at the knees.

Duo went rigid, mouth opening as Heero stood poised over him, ready
to continue, ready to pound that large piece of hard flesh in and out
of him. Just like all the others...

The knife came out from underneath the pillow and Duo snarled a foul
curse as he aimed it at Heero's throat. Heero didn't move, didn't
dodge, didn't try and defend himself. Duo looked into his sad eyes at
the last second and knew that Heero wanted to die. It was their last
chance. Failure wasn't an option. Being without Duo wasn't an option
for Heero either. The knife stopped, pricking Heero's throat and
making it drip blood.

"I think you were sloppy, planting those bombs," Heero said.

Duo blinked... blinked again, trying to come out of the dark place
he had been falling into. Heero's eyes held him, reminded him that
this was the man he loved. Duo concentrated. Don't get lost, a small
voice said from memory.

"What're you talking about?" Duo managed, confusion making the knife
tip lower, but not lose sight of its target.

"I gave you a definite plan for planting each bomb," Heero said
calmly and matter-of-factly. "From satellite reconnaissance, I was
able to determine that the buildings blew up out of sequence."

"No! You're wrong!" Duo argued and found the thread of sanity and
pulled himself back in, face flushing angrily as he lowered the knife
completely. "I followed the plan exactly!"

"Building A-4 clearly didn't blow up in the specified pattern,"
Heero persisted. "I will show you the readout."

"Don't show me any readouts!" Duo shouted. "I know my own work,
Heero! I placed everything according to the plan!"

Heero pushed in, butt muscles flexing with a gentle motion, and then
pulled out. He paused to argue back, keeping his voice calm, but sure
in his facts. "The sequence was B6, B7, C-8-"

"C-10, D-4, D-6, access tunnel 32 and 34, hanger doors, main records
room, and the main airstrip!" Duo finished, livid now, and sure of
HIS facts. "I followed the plan, Heero. Maybe it was your analysis of
the structures that was at fault?"

Heero pushed in and pulled out again and it was almost as if he were
simply shifting his weight as he shook his head. "Impossible. I
hacked the specifications from the builders themselves. There wasn't
any chance of error. A bomb could have malfunctioned."

Duo was turning purple. Heero was doubting his skill and his
competence! "Nothing went wrong with my bombs! Maybe someone removed
one before I could blow them?"

Heero moved in and out again, his face tightening and flushing
warmly. "You reported to me that you rechecked their positions. Are
you saying now that wasn't true?"

Duo grabbed Heero by the back of the neck. He pulled the pilot of
wing down close to glare at him. "You'd better not be calling me a
liar, Yuy!"

"Then explain it." Heero reasoned simply.

Duo struggled, going over the mission in his mind. He felt Heero
push into him and pull out yet again, but he was so frantic to find
the answer to the mystery that he hardly noticed. Realization struck
him and he crowed the answer just as Heero grunted and groaned. "I
set another bomb in the munitions containment rooms!"

Heero was silent.

"Hey!" Duo snarled. "You'd better believe me!"

Heero took a deep breath and pulled away from Duo with a warm
wetness that made Duo forget all about the mission. Heero sat on the
bed next to him and looked down at Duo quietly.

"It's-You...," Duo shivered. "You did it?"

"Yes," Heero replied.

Duo covered his face with his good hand as a roil of emotions swept
over him. "I-I feel so stupid!" he choked out in misery. "That was
nothing! Nothing! I was so afraid. I've been killing us both over...
over a simple, little bump and grind!"

"Not so simple," Heero replied. He reached out and touched Duo's
cheek. It was wet with the tears leaking from Duo's fingers. "You're
stitched, but the wound isn't healed.

"It always hurt," Duo explained, hating himself for the tears,
hating his own stupidity, and hating looking weak in front of Heero.
How could the man possibly love him? He didn't love himself just
then. "When 'they' did it, it hurt, like acid; like a rope burn, only
inside. I didn't even... I was so angry, I hardly knew you were doing
anything. It-It doesn't hurt at all!"

"They hurt you, because they didn't care about you," Heero replied.
"I do."

Duo choked on fresh tears. He wanted to crawl into Heero's arms and
sob, but he was too embarrassed, too ashamed of himself. When Heero
moved on the bed, he nervously peeked between his fingers.

"W-What... again?" Duo wondered in trepidation. He wasn't ready. He
needed more time to let it sink in, the fact that he had just had
sex, and that he wasn't ripped, bleeding, or in horrible pain.

Heero smirked as he lowered his face towards Duo's pelvis. "We
haven't finished the first time yet," he said as he sucked Duo's cock
into his mouth.

Duo's back arched off of the bed and his hand twisted into Heero's
wild hair as Heero rode his cock with strong, tight lips. It didn't
take Duo long to explode.

Duo rolled until he was lying full length on the bed, panting and
sweating. His tears were drying and a contented smile played over his
lips even though he was very serious. "I thought, each time I did
you, Heero, that I was hurting you. I-I never believed you when you
told me it didn't hurt."

"I know," Heero replied. "You were living in the past. It had a
chain on you."

Heero began to leave the bed.

"Where- Where are you going?" Duo wondered. He didn't want to sound
so needy. He tried to find the words to avoid it and then he sighed
and forgot about pride. "Stay with me, Heero?"

Heero lowered himself back onto the bed. He touched the knife there.
"It isn't all cured, you know?"

"I know," Duo replied, "But... I think I can trust you now." Duo
picked up the knife and slowly, reluctantly, pressed it into Heero's
hand. "You can put that away, K? I don't need it when you're around
to watch my back for me."

Heero dropped the knife into the drawer of the side table and then
closed it. It was as if he were closing a chapter in their lives. A
new one was about to start, Duo thought, as he settled into Heero's
arms, and, he felt, it was going to be a much happier one.

***Owari***

Kracken: *sniffle* That was so sad and so happy.
Duo: Is that the end?
Kracken: Heck no! I'm having too much fun!
Duo: Oh, well, at least I got some.
Heero: *smirking* I was the one who finally got some.
Kracken: You both got some, okay? Now get Kracken some more Kleenex.

Review me please, I would love to know what you think. Really! Yes,
really! :)

Go to Part 14: Cross to Bear
==========================================
Shinigami's Lover Arc 1: Part 14
Part 14: Cross to Bear
by Kracken (signs@screaminet.com)

Disclaimer: I don't own them or the rights to them. I don't make any
money off of this. I do it just for fun.
Warning: Yaoi. Guys having sex with guys. Violence, language, angst,
gun play, Gore, Graphic!

Duo: Do I get to 1x2 again?
Kracken: *examining her nails* Maybe.
Duo: Aw! Come on! No more angst! I want lemon!
Kracken: Oh, okay. I'm in a good mood today.
Duo: *Grins* Yaaaa! Start typing!
Kracken: Okay, okay! Jeesh! (Anime characters! So demanding!)
Duo: *looking hentai* Need something to get you in the, uh, right
frame of mind for the lemon?
Kracken: *scowls* Yeah, coffee! Fetch! Now!
Duo: *pouts* (Real people! So demanding!)

==========================================

"Don't look at me that way," Duo grumbled as he paced the small
confines of the cave, arms crossed over his thick coat and boots
clicking against the stone. His braid swung as he made the pivot to
turn at the cave wall and never fully stopped swinging when he made
the pivot at the opposite wall. "You're the one that tripped the
alarm."

Heero was seated on a low rock, hunched over, chin resting on his
hand and elbow resting on his knee to support the weight. His other
hand hung between those powerful legs, relaxed and an indication of
his mood. He appeared calm, but moody, dark, cobalt eyes almost
hidden by his wild, dark brown hair, but intense for all of that and
following Duo's nervous pacing.

"A new addition that hadn't been placed into the computer yet,"
Heero replied as if he were thinking of something completely
different.

"What?" Duo glared at him.

"The alarm," Heero clarified. "It was a new addition."

"You have eyes," Duo grumbled, unforgiving. "I saw the other one and
didn't trip it because I wasn't relying on a plan to dictate my every
move."

"Hn," Heero grunted.

Duo looked at him, pixie face frowning and violet eyes exasperated.
"Are you even listening to me?"

Heero couldn't tell him. Not then, not when they were still trying
to complete a mission. They were being searched for. They were cold,
stuffed deep into a small cave, and without anything, but the
supplies they had packed for the mission; detonator components, cell
lights, a few energy bars, and the precious information on disk that
they had risked their lives to get. Everything else was waiting for
them at their base camp, a place they weren't going to be seeing
because Oz was scanning every nook and cranny for them.

They couldn't even chance a fire. Oz would be using heat sensors to
find them. Heero only hoped that they were deep enough to escape
detection by body heat. To tell Duo what he knew now... Heero didn't
like to think of the pilot of Deathscythe's reaction. It was a
miracle that he hadn't noticed himself yet, but they were all wearing
heavy jackets, sweaters, and undershirts. It would have been hard to
feel anything or to notice anything missing in their protective
cocoons of clothing.

"Sit down," Heero ordered briskly. "Conserve energy. You're wounded."

"So are you," Duo grumbled, but he left off his pacing and sat on
the rock next to Heero. So thin and fragile seeming, Heero thought,
but there was a strength to Duo that often startled him and maybe Duo
himself. Duo shifted, nervous energy not allowing him to sit still.

"How are you?" Duo asked Heero at last.

"Superficial bullet wound in right thigh," Heero replied with stoic
calmness. "Broken right index finger. Extensive bruising from fall.
Efficiency not compromised. How are you?"

Duo raised an eyebrow, mocking him. "Fine."

Heero corrected that assertion with painful exactness. "Wound from
Oz soldier's knife on left ribcage, stitched with thread from my coat
and a sharpened sliver of wood. Success; minimal. Bleeding stopped,
but reopening of wound a possibility. Crippled leg from previous
injury, aggravated by fall. Slight concussion on right temple. Lucid,
but observation critical. Efficiency at an estimated sixty percent."

"Fine," Duo repeated and then angrily. "I'm a hundred percent, Yuy,
just like you! I don't let paper cuts and bruises stop me from doing
what I have to." He stood up again, brushing off his hands on his
pants as if brushing off Heero's concern. "I'll even take first
watch."

"Not acceptable," Heero stated firmly.

"Yes, it is," Duo retorted. "Go to sleep right now or I'll make my
own report to Dr. J and tell him how you turned into a panty waist
over me and compromised our escape."

Heero glowered. Nothing could get him to acquiescence faster than
that. He nodded once, stretched out on the ground, and was promptly
asleep. Duo blinked, always amazed at how Heero could do that, simply
shut himself off like a machine.

"G'night, Baby," Duo whispered and went to take up his post.

Duo settled on the cold floor of the cave and put his back against
the rock, eyes and ears straining for any signs that Oz soldiers had
discovered them. A mobile suit was loud. If he heard the sound early
enough, they might have a chance of escape. If Oz came in on foot,
then they were dead men. There wasn't any other way out of the cave
and Heero and Duo had both agreed that they weren't going to allow
themselves to become prisoners. They would die fighting to keep that
from happening.

Duo's cut side throbbed. He pressed his arm against it and hunkered
over himself to keep warm. He had lost too much blood, but he hadn't
admitted that to Heero. His lower leg, too, was throbbing and
swelling dangerously. Ligaments had been stretched and bruised in the
fall. The old fracture was, maybe, not healed any longer. His head
was another source of agony. Duo could have happily killed himself to
stop the vicious pain radiating from the blow he had taken on his
forehead.

In pain, hungry, thirsty, blood drained almost dry, and cold, Duo
really wasn't in any shape to do anything but pass out. The last
thing he needed to be doing was keeping watch and straining himself
further, but Heero, as usual, had infuriated him enough to cancel any
hint of common sense.

Damn the Perfect Soldier anyway, Duo thought sourly. The man had put
them in that mess. A tall, gawky boy with big, steel toed shoes
shouldn't have had the delicate task of walking through a room set
with beam sensors. Heero had taken great pains to memorize the beams
placement, but it had taken only one new placement to turn his
carefully laid plan to dust. Men had died for that mistake, soldiers
rushing to protect the secrets of their facility, and both he and
Heero had taken wounds scrambling through the dense forest to escape
pursuit. An unexpected ravine had nearly killed them both, but
Heero's strength and quick reflexes had kept them from landing too
badly. Still, they both had wounds enough to slow them down when they
needed stealth and speed the most.

Duo had been a dead weight during their flight, especially after the
fall. With an injured leg and a furiously bleeding wound, he hadn't
been able to pace himself with a young man who had trained to be a
tireless machine-like soldier since he was three. Duo had fallen
behind. He still didn't know how he had managed to find the cave, but
Heero had broken with training, and the promise they had made to each
other, to wait for him at the entrance and to help him inside, never
uttering a word of criticism at Duo's weakness.

Why waste the energy, Duo thought, when he himself had been doing
such a good job at criticizing his own performance. Duo hated being
weak and he had hated looking weak in front of Heero. So, to prove
that he wasn't, to himself and Heero, he was now ignoring all common
sense and his body's distress, and killing himself standing watch.

So much for the tender evening Duo had planned for their first night
home after the mission. He had been given a single taste of what real
sex was like with Heero and that tantalizing first time had left him
eager to try again, eager to prove that it hadn't been just a fluke
and that he COULD do it again. Now they were both going to end up in
casts, in stitches, and hooked up to I.V. bottles.

Heero moaned softly in his sleep. Duo looked back briefly. They had
set up a single cell- light and he could just make out Heero's face
in its bright glow. The man was either in pain or dreaming and Duo
couldn't do anything for either of those conditions. One required
medical supplies and clean water and the other required getting close
to a soldier with hair trigger reflexes.

Helpless again, Duo thought bitterly. He was useless to the man he
loved, the man who had done so much to bring him happiness and
pleasure; the man who had almost closed a wound that had been gaping
wide since Duo's first rape at the age of six. He was owed more than
a cold stone bed and a crippled partner.

Duo felt his leg stiffening. If he let it rest too long, walking was
going to be impossible when it counted. He levered himself off of the
floor and began to pace again, arms wrapped tightly about himself,
and limping; something he hadn't allowed himself with Heero awake and
watching. Not that Heero would have cut him any slack because of it.
When they were on a mission, they weren't lovers. They were soldiers.
Feelings were cut off as a liability. Heero expected Duo to perform
no matter what injuries he had and Duo expected the same of Heero. If
either of them fell, there wasn't going to be a helping hand. There
was going to be a bullet to the head instead, delivered with
precision and dispatch. They didn't leave their comrades for Oz to
interrogate.

With that in mind, Duo was anxious about the state of his health. He
felt pale and shaky. As soon as the sun rose, and the landscape
heated up enough to foil any heat detectors, they would be on the
move again and he had to be ready and able.

Heero groaned and turned onto his back, one arm brushing his wounded
hip. Not a nightmare then, just pain. Duo smirked, even as he felt
sorry for Heero. He could pretend that he was steel all he wanted
while he was awake, but sleep wouldn't let Heero keep up any such
pretenses. In sleep, he wasn't a soldier, just a wounded young man.
It made Duo feel less like a weakling to know that Heero suffered too.

Heero settled back into deep sleep. The night wore on. Three hours
dragged by and it was all that Duo could manage. He knew that Heero
didn't need much more than that. He seemed to live on air, most of
the time, sleep and food something he only allowed himself
occasionally.

Standing a safe distance away, Duo called Heero's name softly.

Heero was rolling to his feet, fully awake and hand on his gun in an
instant. He blinked as he oriented himself and then looked at Duo
questioningly. He didn't even favor his hip.

"Tired," Duo admitted as if the word was acid in his mouth.

Heero nodded and took up a stance of watchfulness where Duo had been
sitting earlier. Sighing, Duo stretched out onto the warm spot Heero
had made on the hard rock and tried to snatch what sleep he could. He
wasn't prepared to snatch a nightmare as well. He fought it,
subconsciously knowing that now was not the time, but the nightmare
was stronger than he was.

"Shit!" Duo exploded into a sitting position as arms came around him
and held him tight. He struggled to reach his knife, his gun, the
small explosives still in the pouch at his hip. In pain and
disoriented, it took far too long to realize that it was Heero that
was holding him.

"Quiet," Heero ordered.

Duo went still and nodded. Sound could be detected as well as heat.
They had to be careful. Duo couldn't be screaming in his sleep now.
He let himself go limp, leaning back against Heero's hard chest.

"All right?" Heero asked.

"Yes."

Heero gave Duo a brief squeeze of comfort before releasing him and
standing up. Duo rubbed at red rimmed eyes and then tried to stand up
as well. His leg screamed agony at him. He gasped, hopped, but then
forced the foot down that was shrinking away from contact with the
floor.

"Walk," Heero ordered.

Duo nodded, understanding. Adrenalin was the only pain killer they
had. If it wasn't enough... He forced one foot in front of the other,
shivering as the pain cascaded up and down his leg like waves on a
beach. After a few laps back and forth across the cave, Duo felt some
relief. The clenched muscles relaxed and he began to think that it
wasn't as bad as he had thought. If it had been broken, or even
fractured, nothing would have let him stand on it, let alone walk.

"Time?" Duo asked softly and Heero nodded. Without comment, Heero
shoulder their two small backpacks and strode for the door. He didn't
wait for Duo. He couldn't. Duo understood that and approved of it. He
had to make it on his own.

Taking a steadying breath, Duo fell into step in Heero's wake as
they left the safety of the cave. Blinking at milky sunlight coming
through low clouds, they were in time to catch the first fall of cold
rain. Luck was with them. In those conditions, they were invisible in
the dense forest.

It was rough going, but Duo never fell too far behind. He was almost
suspicious, ready to shout at Heero the moment he suspected the pilot
of Wing was being weak and compromising the mission by holding back
for him. Heero was having his own troubles though and Duo realized
that Heero was limping almost as much as he was.

"Damn," Duo muttered under his breath. If Heero was showing that
much of a limp then he must be close to dying, he thought. Duo
quickly began making a list of the medical supplies and the first
aide steps he was certain he was going to need as soon as they
reached the safe house. In the middle of the list, he went sprawling
onto the rock strewn ground. The stitches tore open.

Duo bit back a howl of pain and he felt blood, hot and wet, roll
down his side. He shoved the material of his jacket against the wound
and scrambled to his feet again. Heero must have heard the fall, but
his stiff back was receding into the forest. Duo cursed and felt a
pang in his heart even as the soldier in him fully approved. Both
heart and soldier didn't want Heero's backside to be the last thing
he saw. He forced himself to ignore the bleeding, ignore the pain,
and to hurry to catch up.

***

Duo went over the nightmare of the night before in his head, trying
to puzzle it out, but most of all trying to distract himself from
pain and his imminent death. After ten miles of grueling terrain, it
was only a matter of time before Duo took his last step. He knew it,
and he was certain that Heero knew it too. He had seen the intense
pilot of Wing look back at him and access his status coldly. Duo had
met that look with one of his own, daring Heero to break his promise,
ready to spit in his face if he did. No special treatment, no
emotions, no sacrificing a mission for each other. The colonies
depended on them, depended on them winning the war. One person,
however loved, wasn't more important than that.

Duo had been searching for something in his dream, he remembered.
Something had been missing, something dear to him. He frowned as he
ran his long braid through his fingers, almost unconsciously checking
the things that were most dear to him in the world. He looked ahead
at Heero and then began to reach inside of his jacket.

"Here," Heero suddenly said.

Duo's hand dropped away as he caught up with Heero and saw what the
pilot was looking at. It was a beacon, a small instrument that would
tell them where Wu Fei was hiding with Wing.

"Do you think he's still there?" Duo whispered tensely. They were
supposed to have contacted Wu Fei at their base camp. Wu Fei was sure
to know that something had gone wrong, but they hadn't passed the
time window for the rendezvous yet. There was a chance that he was
still waiting for them.

Heero didn't answer such a ridiculous question. He didn't know any
more than Duo did. Instead, he gave Duo a long, assessing look and
asked. "Can you make it?"

"Can you?" Duo retorted.

Another ridiculous question. Of course Heero would make it. He
always did.

"I-," Heero began.

Duo didn't wait for him to finish, afraid of what he would say,
afraid that Heero was wavering and becoming concerned for his lover.
Without warning, Duo slapped the beacon on button and then began a
stumbling run as he whipped out his locator and took his bearings
from it. The beacon pulsed, once, twice, and then automatically
melted its insides to make itself useless to Oz. Duo threw the
coordinates of Wing over his shoulder at Heero and kept onwards even
as he tossed the locator aside, it's insides self destructing as well.

It was a race for their lives again. Oz had surely detected the
beacon signal in their search for the pilots and they wouldn't be
long in showing up. If things grew too hot, Wu Fei wouldn't wait for
them. He would take Wing and escape.

Duo felt as if he were dying. The blood was pooling inside of his
jacket. His leg was agony. His head, on the borderline of concussion,
exploded into a throbbing, seething torment. He hardly noticed when
Heero passed him easily, the precious information in his pack. The
man was the first to reach the hidden Gundam, camouflaged under the
spreading bows of some very tall evergreens. He hit the hatch button
and, as it sprang open, he tossed the pack inside before turning and
doing what Duo had feared most, trying to save him.

"Fuck you, Yuy!" Duo screamed at him, never breaking stride, as he
threw himself up the last incline of rock towards Wing. "Go! Go!"

Heero ignored him. He slithered down the incline, grabbed Duo by his
jacket and hauled him the rest of the way up with an iron grip. He
wrapped arms around Duo, ignoring the weak punch Duo tried to throw
at him, and they both took the lift up to the hatch.

Wu Fei was waiting for them. He pulled Duo inside with a curse.
"What happened?! Why didn't you contact me at the appointed time?"

"Leave!" Heero barked.

"Oz is coming!" Duo added, panting around his pain. "They know where
we are!"

"I'll take care of Maxwell!" Wu Fei replied quickly. "Get into the
pilot's seat, Yuy."

"No, you pilot Wing. Take Duo back," Heero ordered as he began
descending again. "I still have a mission."

"Mission?" Duo shouted down at him. "What are you talking about,
Man?!"

Wu Fei was incredulous. He had known that there was a possibility of
having to pilot Wing, but he had never imagined that Heero would so
willingly turn it over to him. "What is going on, Maxwell?"

"Don't know," Duo breathed around his pain, furious and afraid for
Heero. Why hadn't the man said anything about another mission? It
didn't make sense. He shook himself, knowing what he had to say and
hating it. "Get us out of here, Wu Fei. Heero can take care of
himself. We have this mission to finish."

Wu Fei snapped into action, not questioning that order. His short
pigtail bobbed behind him as he scrambled up into Wing and threw
himself into Wing's cockpit. Strapping himself in, he shouted down at
Duo. "Hold on!" and fired the engines.

Duo gripped the steel struts of the cargo hold and closed his eyes.
Damn Heero! Duo thought. Why did he have to be so mysterious? Why
couldn't he ever just tell him what as in his mind? The thought of
his lover, facing danger without him to watch his back, made Duo's
blood turn to ice. He sought comfort, reaching into the front of his
jacket and under his thick sweater as Wing lifted off the ground and
sped for the horizon. His hand met an absence of gold chain and gold
cross.

"No!" Duo shrieked.

"Maxwell?" Wu Fei shouted back in concern.

"It's gone!"

"What's gone? The information?"

"My cross!" Duo scrambled up to the cockpit and grasped at Wu Fei in
the cramped space. "Turn this thing around! I have to go back for it!
I can't live without it! Do you hear me, Wu Fei! Turn Wing around!"

Wu Fei studied Duo's wide eyes, his open mouth of horror, his
pinched, waxen skin. The pilot of Deathscythe had lost it, he
decided. Without warning, hoping not to crash Wing with his
inattention to the controls. Wu Fei's hands leapt out and grabbed Duo
behind the neck and just under his ears. His thumbs pressed expertly
on certain nerves and Duo went limp, uttering only a small, forlorn
whimper.

Wu Fei cursed under his breath. It was times like these, when he
wished that he had stayed a loner.

***

Heero ducked in and out of the undergrowth of the forest, as
stealthy as a shadow. Once or twice, he crouched as Oz patrols passed
within touching distance of him. He was in his element, alone and
focused, ready to do what ever it took to accomplish the mission. No
distractions. No worries about long haired bakas or the necessity of
keeping time tables and rendezvous.

Heero's wounds were a minimal problem, the bullet in his hip, though
painful, was not life threatening. The broken finger and the bruises
were already forgotten. Hunger and thirst were more immediate
problems, problems Heero rectified by killing a stray Oz soldier and
lifting his supply pack. After that, slightly rested and full, he was
ready to take on any situation.

Heero didn't question his self appointed mission. Outside of Dr. J's
assignments, he wasn't bound by the strict soldier discipline that he
set for himself or the promise he had made to Duo not to treat him as
anything other than an expendable soldier. That promise had been a
waste of breath. Heero would have treated him that way in any case.
He had learned a whole new set of emotions with Duo and felt things
he had never felt before, but not even love for Duo could cause Heero
to compromise a mission.

Heero stopped at the edge of a ravine and looked downward, following
the path that they had made in the loose dirt and rocks when they had
fallen almost to their deaths far below on the jagged boulders at the
bottom. He remembered with a chill, how Duo had flown past him
headfirst. Only Heero's quick grab for the young man's ankle had kept
him from death. Hanging upside down and frantic, Duo hadn't notice
the loss of his cross. Heero had. The gold cross and chain had taken
the long fall that Heero had just saved Duo from, the bright thing
clattering among the boulders.

Pulling Duo to safety back up to the edge of the ravine, Heero had
meant to go back down and retrieve the precious piece of jewelry.
Knowing how much it meant to Duo, he hadn't had any illusion as to
how the pilot of Deathscythe would have reacted at discovering the
loss. It was only the arrival of Oz soldiers that had changed Heero's
plans. More important than Duo's sanity, was Duo's life and the
success of the mission. Keeping silent, he had dragged Duo away and
said nothing.

Sliding and clawing his way down the side of the ravine, Heero was
full of mud and scratches by the time his booted feet touched the top
of the foremost boulder. Balancing precariously, he clambered from
one to another, following his memory until he reached the spot where
he had seen the cross land. That spot was full of marks, the muddy
boots of Oz soldiers looking for Gundam pilots.

Heero searched, his every sense alert for danger, but it wasn't long
before he had to accept, with a sinking feeling, that Duo's cross was
gone.

***

"Stop drugging me!" Duo slurred as he pulled against the straps
holding him to the bed frame.

Trowa injected yet another dose of tranquilizer into his arm without
hesitation. He rubbed the spot with alcohol and bandaged it, adding
to the long line of needle punctures in Duo's arm. "Next I'm going to
set up a drip. I can't keep sticking him," Trowa muttered and then
looked sideways at Wu Fei and Quatre. "I can't keep him sedated
forever either. I'll keep it up until his stabilizes, but past that,
someone is going to have to decide what to do with a Gundam pilot
who's lost his mind."

"Not crazy!" Duo slurred. His amethyst eyes blinked accusingly at
the other pilots. Tears trickled down from his eyes. "J-Just need my
cross! Have to have it! It's all I have- all that's left of Maxwell
Church. P-Please, let me-let me go and find it."

Wu Fei stepped forward, knowing that something had to be done to
calm Duo. He was already pulling weakly at his straps again.
"Maxwell," he said, hoping to give Duo some comfort, enough to make
him stay in bed. "I think that the 'mission' Heero went on was to
retrieve your cross. I checked the log of his computer and there
wasn't any transmission from Dr. J other than the mission you just
completed."

Duo's eyes went wide, he sniffled like a child. "He knew...," Duo
seemed to be trying to think through the fog of his mind. He suddenly
nodded. "Yeah, I knew there was something... he kept looking at me
weird... Would Heero do that, though? Would he run into Oz soldiers
and risk getting caught for something like that?" Duo tossed his head
back and forth on his pillow, bangs damp on his forehead and face
drawn and pinched. "I don't know... You don't know... Come on, guys!
Let me go! Let me go look!"

"I'll get you something to eat, okay Duo?" Quatre said, blue eyes
sad. "Let Heero search. No one is better. You know that. He'll find
it and he'll be back in no time. You just have to rest and..." he
blushed, but added boldly, "Think of a suitable reward for Heero when
he returns."

Trowa looked at his lover in surprise and Wu Fei scowled. Quatre
kept his eyes on Duo. Duo stared back, blinked, and then slowly
nodded. "Yeah," he said, grasping at the straw they were handing him.
"I- I'll do that." He didn't have any other choice.

***

Heero moved from one patch of underbrush to another, keeping a wide,
obvious trail in sight at all times. He had been following the trail
of boot tracks made by the Oz soldiers all day, cursing the rain and
the cold, but glad that it had made the ground muddy enough to hold
the tracks. It was ridiculously easy to track them. They didn't make
any effort to be careful. They swaggered, talked, laughed loudly, and
obviously felt confident that they had enough firearms to protect
them.

The men set up a tarp towards evening and huddled inside while one
set up a micro heater and began preparing rations for dinner. They
began a dice game, talking loudly as the dice tumbled over the
ground. Heero took up a station nearby and waited patiently for his
opportunity.

"When I find those little bastards...," One man grumbled miserably.

"You'll have to wait your turn," another grumbled. "I get to kick
their asses first."

"It wasn't kicking their asses I had in mind, dumb shit!"

"Crap, you're a stinking pervert!"

"Naw! Just want something for being put through this shit! What's a
beating going to get me, a sore hand, a tired arm, and a dead
stinking pilot?"

"I'm in," another grinned and there were a few others that chimed in.

"You're all stinking perverts!" the previous one snarled and he
stalked out into the rain.

"Where're you going? To beat off in the bushes?"

"I'm going to take a piss! What, you want to watch, you stinking
pervert?"

"Bite me!"

"No thanks."

The man stalked out into the bushes, walking right past Heero. He
chose a spot after a few feet, opened his pants, and began peeing. He
didn't know what hit him as Heero calmly straightened and broke his
neck. He let the man fall into the mud and then he crouched and began
pulling the gold cross and chain over the man's head. The cold gun
barrel that pressed against his forehead made him freeze and curse
himself for his lapse in vigilance.

"Not every body's a rookie around here, pilot," an older voice
growled.

Heero swiveled his eyes and saw the older man standing next to him,
smiling slightly, his graying beard and mustache framing a hard slab
of a face dominated by two dark eyes.

"We're going to tear you a new one for all this trouble," the man
promised and then made the mistake of motioning with the gun for
Heero to move into the camp. As Heero saw that gun barrel turn away
from him, he reacted with lightning speed.

His foot kicked out and caught the man in the side of the head.
There was an ugly snap, but not before the man had a chance to cry
out. He fell to the ground dead, but the damage was already done. The
other soldiers came running, drawing their weapons and shouting for
their missing comrades. Heero bent and picked up the gun. There was
only one way out now and his face set grimly as he blanked out all
emotions and became the 'Perfect Soldier'.

***

"Duo," Quatre soothed as he set a tray of food on a side table.
"It's only been two days. If you keep going like this, Trowa is going
to have to tranquilize you again."

Duo was hanging half off the bed, face down towards the carpet and
body twisted. He had managed to work a foot loose, but the rest of
his attempted escape had been pure mad panic. He felt vulnerable,
exposed, threatened by gentle Quatre. He panted and tried to twist
himself back onto the bed. Quatre didn't make the mistake of trying
to help him.

"Let me go," Duo panted as he rolled flat onto the bed again. He
turned desperate, sad eyes on Quatre. "I-I can't stand being tied up,
Quatre. It's not even about the cross anymore. I-I can't help feeling
like someone's going to take advantage of me being helpless... I-I
know none of you would, but I can't argue with that black pit in my
mind. It doesn't listen to reason."

"Oh, Duo!" Quatre replied in anguish. "This is killing me too, but
you're still ill. If I let you go, I know what you'll do with your
freedom. You'll run off. I'd never forgive myself, Duo, and Heero...
he'd kill me!"

Duo's face twisted bitterly. "And where is Heero? He's not looking
for my cross, Quatre. He did have another mission. He- he probably
doesn't even know it's gone."

"You don't know that," Quatre argued.

"I don't know anything, Quatre, and I hate that!" Duo shouted. He
struggled briefly, frustrated, and then suddenly had a shocked
expression on his face.

Quatre came forward at once, concerned. "What is it, Duo? Did you
pull your stitches? Should I call Trowa?"

Duo's hands jumped out and grabbed Quatre hard. He pulled the blond
Arabian against him and circled his throat with a strong, wiry arm,
almost cutting off Quatre's air. "Who has the key to the lock?" Duo
demanded.

"I do," Trowa said from the doorway. Tall and slim, he seemed almost
a shadow. His face, half hidden by his long bang, was dangerous. "Let
him go, Duo."

Duo tightened his grip. Quatre struggled, eyes bulging as he
suddenly couldn't breathe. "Unlock me," Duo said measuring out each
word.

"No," Trowa replied.

They had a staring match. Neither of them wavered.

"He doesn't have much longer," Duo warned.

"You won't kill him. He's your friend," Trowa replied.

Duo shivered. He didn't like Quatre's skin against his. He only
trusted Heero that close. Trowa saw the mad glitter in Duo's eyes and
knew that he was mistaken. Duo might not kill Quatre, but Shinigami
would. "He's dying," Duo said. "Don't you care?"

"Don't you?" Trowa retorted and then moved forward. "Let him breathe."

"Untie me first," Duo snarled, his anxiety growing. "Hurry."

Quatre fainted. Duo didn't release his arm. Trowa reached for the
straps and unlocked them. When he took a step back, he discovered
that Duo had taken the opportunity to steal his gun. Duo released his
grip on Quatre and let him breathe, but he now pointed the barrel of
the gun at Quatre's forehead.

"I'm going to Deathscythe," Duo said as he slowly levered himself
off of the bed with the unconscious, gasping Quatre in his arms.
"You're not going to stop me."

"No, he's not," a tired voice said, "but I am."

Heero came through the doorway. He was covered in blood, mud, and
forest loam. His hair was a matted tangle over his intense, blue eyes
and there was a cut across his one cheek slowly seeping blood. He
limped into the bedroom and Trowa made way for him, knowing that
Heero was the only one who could deal with Duo no matter what state
of mind the pilot of Deathscythe was in.

"Let Quatre go," Heero ordered.

Duo felt doubly threatened now. Heero was too intense, too
frightening in his present condition. Trowa hovered nearby, ready to
jump in and lend support. Quatre's skin was still touching him. Duo
was quickly losing the thread of sanity. "I'm going!" He hissed. "Get
out of my way!"

"No," Heero replied. "You don't need to go."

"Yes, I do!" Duo retorted. His finger tensed on the trigger of the
gun. "Get out of my way! Both of you get out of my fucking way!"

Heero slowly held up a gloved hand. In it, dangled Duo's cross. It
was bloody and filthy, but the gold still glittered in the lamplight.
Duo gasped, tears coming to his eyes. He dropped Quatre and strode
forward to snatch at it. Heero kept his hold and they froze like
that, both of them holding onto part of the chain.

"Get out," Heero said without looking at Trowa. "Close the door
behind you."

Trowa glared, but he was more concerned with Quatre, who was slowly
coming around, than getting revenge on Duo. He scooped the blonde
Arabian up into his arms and murmured reassurances as he carried him
out of the room, kicking the door closed behind him with angry force.

Heero kept staring into Duo's eyes. Slowly, a bit of sanity seeped
into those violet orbs. They lowered to the cross and then flicked up
at Heero again. Duo said softly, yet pricking with some anxiety.
"What do you want, a reward?"

Heero's jaw tightened and he let go of his end of the chain. Duo
took a step back, holding the cross against his heart as if it were a
baby he had lost. He ignored the blood and the mud and slipped it
over his head.

"I don't want anything from you that you're not willing to give,"
Heero said at last, but he was angry and he couldn't keep that
bottled up where Duo couldn't see it. He had expected at least trust
from his lover and some gratitude, not suspicion and an outright
accusation. "I didn't get it so that I could fuck you."

Duo flinched. He pressed the cross against his face and left a
filthy mark there. He wanted to hide. He wanted to be alone. He
didn't want to face Heero's hurt eyes. Why did he have to be so
screwed up? he wondered bitterly. Why couldn't he love Heero the way
he deserved? The man had risked his life to retrieve a piece of
jewelry and all he received for his trouble was mistrust and an
insult from his crazy lover.

"Sorry," Duo said. "Just..."

"You were choking Quatre to death," Heero said angrily, cutting him
off. "You were threatening Trowa. Now you don't trust me again. I
can't have pilots that unstable. I thought- I thought you were
improving..."

Duo clutched the cross in white hands. "This means everything to me
Heero! You can't even begin to understand!" he shook his head sharply
and then he glared. "I wasn't going to kill Quatre. I didn't even
choke him that much. I just pinched him unconscious. If Trowa hadn't
been so frantic over him, he would have seen that."

"So, the cross doesn't mean more than the lives of your comrades?"
Heero wondered.

Duo pressed the cross to his face again. "No, I guess not, but... I
would have done anything but that to get it back, Heero. This is all
I have left of the only 'family' I ever had."

Heero stared. "I understand that," he said at last. "That's why I
went to get it. I knew that you needed it." Heero took a few steps
forward until he was nose to nose with Duo. Duo's eyes widened and he
tensed. "So, you weren't willing to kill Quatre. You were only
deceiving Trowa. I see sanity in your eyes, Little Baka. Why are you
afraid of me? Why can't that be a lie too?"

"I don't lie," Duo replied distantly and then groaned as he backed
away. "It's the blood and-and you stink like- like... I don't want
you to touch me. You make me think about things I want to forget
about. Sorry, sorry about not trusting you. You risked your life for
me. I love you, Baby, for that. I'm just not used to it. People never
did anything for me who didn't want something in return. You know
what that 'something' was."

Duo sat on the edge of the bed and put his face in his hands. "It
was getting better before this happened. I was planning on- on giving
myself to you again after the mission. Almost losing the cross, and
spending days remembering how Father Maxwell had given it to me, how
they had died, and how truly awful my life has been up until now...

"Old habits die hard, I guess," Duo continued, "and you never forget
them, really. Remembering the past erased all the good you did for me
and, when I saw you, I- when I look at you now, I just wonder how
you're going to hurt me sooner or later, just like everyone else has,
and when you're going to ask for some repayment, some reward. I guess
Quatre put it into my head and really brought the memories home. He
told me to spend my waiting time thinking of a 'proper' reward for
you. He meant it as a kind joke, of course, but it just twisted me up
inside."

"Come here," Heero suddenly said. Duo blinked at him. "Come here,"
Heero repeated and walked into the bathroom.

Duo stood and nervously followed. As he entered, he saw that Heero
had turned on the shower and that he was now stripping off his
clothes. Duo stopped in the doorway, uncertain. He saw the marks of a
brutal fight and the ugly bullet wound in Heero's hip.

"How-," Duo choked and then tried again after clearing his throat.
"How did you get my cross. Where was it?"

Heero stepped into the shower and sighed as he let it run over his
wounded body. He grabbed the soap and began lathering up as he
replied. "Oz soldiers had it. They didn't want to part with it, or
me, without a fight."

Duo nodded as he watched Heero wash himself off. "They're all dead,
aren't they?"

"Yes," Heero replied. "It was the only way."

"Of getting my cross," Duo added.

"Yes."

Duo stripped off his clothes, dropping the gun among them on the
floor. Determined, but still a little frightened, he stepped into the
shower with Heero. Heero still had his eyes closed, but Duo knew that
Heero knew he was there.

"I don't need a reward," Heero said.

"I'm giving you one any way," Duo breathed as he slowly reached out
and put his hands on Heero's strong shoulders. He trembled. He was
afraid, but, at that moment, it didn't matter. Love was stronger. He
had to show Heero that he loved him. The man didn't deserve any less.

"I'm not taking," Heero said firmly and brushed off Duo's hands.

"Too bad," Duo said and pressed his body up against Heero's. "I'm
giving."

Heero did open his eyes then. He leaned forward and claimed Duo's
mouth, gently, yet insistently, sliding in his tongue. Duo accepted
it as he wrapped his arms around Heero's bruised ribs and brought
their erections together.

Heero possessed Duo. Duo writhed under Heero's hot tongue, his
massaging, kneading hands, teetering between lust and panic, madness
and sanity, as he tried to keep his eyes on Heero's face, on the fact
that it was his lover who held him and loved him, not some customer
from the past.

Ignoring his danger and the fact that Duo often became violent when
he was frightened, Heero bravely let Duo fight the battle with
himself, all of his attention on giving Duo pleasure. When his hot
mouth engulfed Duo's cock, and he massaged it with his throat
muscles, he was rewarded as Duo came with a shout, a deep throated
groan, and a thrusting of his hips.

Heero let Duo collapse onto the tile floor of the shower. The hot
water cascaded over them both as Heero took up the soap and covered
his cock with it, making it slippery and hard for his lover who was
panting in ecstasy at his feet. That ecstasy turned to fear again as
Heero kneeled and took hold of Duo's knees.

"No," Duo moaned like a little child.

"Yes," Heero said gently and kissed each one of Duo's knees tenderly
as he brought Duo's legs up towards his chest.

"Can't!" Duo argued, panting and beginning to pull away.

"Can," Heero breathed into his ear as he leaned down and embraced
Duo, kissing him, murmuring his love, waiting until the moment that
Due relaxed before positioning the head of his cock at Duo's
entrance. Slowly, he began to push inside.

"Stop!" Duo cried and sobbed against Heero's shoulder. Heero looked
down into Duo's eyes and lifted Duo's cross to his lips. He kissed it
and then held it between his teeth as he pushed all the way into Duo.

Duo stared at the cross, stared at Heero as the pilot of Wing let
him get used to his invasion. Heero looked beautiful with the water
falling over them both, his blue eyes sparkling and fiery with his
passion, and his muscles sleek and poised above him. Duo leaned
upward and kissed the cross in Heero's mouth and then slid his lips
down it to kiss Heero's warm lips. The fear left him.

"Now, Baby," Duo breathed. "It's all right."

Heero began thrusting, arching his back and burying his face into
the crook of Duo's shoulder and neck, while his cock slid in and out
of Duo's hot tightness. Duo groaned at the pain/ pleasure, but he was
gripping Heero tight now, holding on to the here and now, refusing to
see anything other than the man he loved making love to him; the man
who had risked his life to bring him back his only good memories.

Heero exploded with a sharp cry, thrusting madly for a moment as he
emptied his seed deep inside of Duo, marking him, making Duo his,
reaffirming their relationship all the way down to the basest level
of instinct and need. Then, Heero pulled out and back, pulling Duo up
with him and hugging him close, cradling him like a child in his arms
as the hot water began to grow cool.

Duo looked up into Heero's eyes and smiled. It was the first time
that Duo was able to smile without a hint of fear, without the
tension that had always been between them. Heero looked back in
amazement and then he too smiled and that made Duo start, never
having seen a smile like that on Heero Yuy. Duo kissed that wonderful
smile. "Welcome home."

"Yes, home," Heero breathed. In the arms of Duo's trust, he was home.

****Owari****

Duo: Hm, that's it?
Kracken: Well, I was pretty sick when I wrote it.
Duo: That explains the short lemon scene. I didn't even have time to
get hot and bothered. I feel cheated.
Kracken: Oh well, there's always the next fic.
Duo: (Getting excited) I get to do it again? Let me try a new
position I've been thinking of, here's a drawing.... Heero will love
it!
Kracken: (Grumbling and going to take her medicine)
Duo: (Miffed) at least think about it!
Heero: (Looking at the drawing and blushing) PLEASE, think about it!

Okay! Review please! Please! Please! Aw, come on!

Go to Part 15: Faux Pas

==========================================

Shinigami's Lover Arc 1: Part 15
Part 15: Faux Pas
by Kracken (signs@screaminet.com)

Disclaimer: They're mine! All mine! (Just kidding). I don't own them
or make any money off of them.
Warning: I am feeling much better now so watch out! :) Violence.
Language. Guys alluding to sex with guys. Graphic, as usual. Not for
the timid. Enough said? Let's go!

==========================================

"Get up."

The cold barrel of a gun pressed against Heero's forehead. Heero
looked sideways with a strange deja vu sensation in the pit of his
stomach. Trowa was glaring, nostrils flaring and eyes violent pools
of green under his long bang, as he leaned into the shower and turned
off the water.

"I heard you," Trowa continued. "My room is on the other side of
that wall. I heard Duo tell you 'no'. I heard him cry for you to
stop. Bastard! You raped him!"

"Your response time was unacceptable if you were attempting to save
Duo from me," Heero replied calm and steady, as if he weren't
kneeling on wet, cold tiles, naked, with an equally naked Duo in his
arms.

Trowa's face twitched and his green eyes glittered. He didn't reply
to that, but Heero was an excellent judge of men. He could see that
Trowa was afraid as well as murderously angry. It was easy to see
that fear had kept Trowa from announcing his presence until he had
been armed and sure that Heero was incapacitated.

"He told you no!" Trowa repeated, demanding an explanation, but
already determined not to accept it no matter what it was.

"He gave himself to me, Trowa Barton," Heero replied quietly and
firmly. "He didn't fight me. He told me it was all right."

"Before or after he passed out?" Trowa hissed.

Heero looked down. His grip tightened in sudden concern. Duo was
unconscious. Heero was on his feet in an instant with Duo in his
arms. Ignoring Trowa's gun, he ordered, "Blankets and towels!" as he
carried Duo out of the bathroom and put him on the bed. When he
straightened to see if Trowa was carrying out his orders, he found
himself facing the gun barrel once again.

"I've been tranquilizing him to the teeth," Trowa explained icily.
"He's still recovering from his wounds as well, but you didn't bother
asking about that, did you? You just pulled him into the shower and
raped him!"

"I did not rape him!" Heero replied, measuring out each word. "Ask
him yourself when he is conscious again!"

"I don't have to ask him," Trowa snapped back and then nodded
towards the door. "Send Quatre in to help me. I will care for Duo. I
want you to stay out of this room. If you try to enter it again, I
will shoot you Heero Yuy."

Heero studied Trowa with the cold efficiency of a soldier. He
determined that Trowa was certain to take care of Duo and that Trowa
was the most qualified to care for him. Once Duo awoke, then the
situation could be terminated by Duo's reassurance that he had not
been raped. Logical. Correct. Heero shut off the emotions that wanted
him to overpower Trowa to reach Duo's side. If things didn't go as he
envisioned, then there would be time for that action later.

"Hn," Heero grunted, turned on his heel, and went to find Quatre.

In the room he shared with Trowa, Quatre was under the blankets of
their bed, pale and barely awake, looking like a bruised, golden
angel against the white pillows.

"Wh-What's going on?" Quatre whispered hoarsely. "I heard shouting.
T-Trowa left..."

Heero stepped close to the bed, checking Quatre's eyes to make sure
they were alert. "There was a misunderstanding," he explained. "Trowa
interpreted information incorrectly."

Quatre blinked. "Meaning?"

Heero frowned darkly. "He accused me of raping Duo."

Quatre stared and then he said. "No, you didn't. I would be sensing
it now if you had. Trowa... " Quatre sighed. "He would get emotional
about something like that. What did he hear that made him think that
you were harming Duo?"

Heero's jaw bunched. He didn't like revealing his personal life to
anyone. He couldn't stifle that soldier part of him that considered
it a weakness an enemy could exploit. Yet, Quatre was the only one
who had a chance of calming Trowa down, Heero realized, the pilot of
Sand Rock needed to have detailed information about the situation.

"Duo and I had sex," Heero stated. "Duo was willing, but he was
nervous and reluctant at several points. After analyzing the
situation thoroughly, I concluded that he WAS willing and that his
protests were reflexes."

Quatre carefully asked. "Why did you conclude that?"

"He is a trained Gundam pilot," Heero replied, "and volatile when he
becomes startled or afraid. He didn't make any attempt to harm me. He
voiced consent at the start and at the end of the act." Heero paused,
bringing under a control the burning anger he felt. "Trowa will not
allow me to come near Duo until Duo confirms that to his
satisfaction."

Quatre sat up, rubbing at the bruises on his neck.

"You are able to function?" Heero wondered. "The situation can't be
resolved until Duo regains consciousness. Rest might be advisable for
you at this time. I'll give Wu Fei the task of helping Trowa."

Quatre shook his head as he gingerly stood up. "I'm all right. I
tried to tell Trowa that Duo wasn't really harming me, but Duo
squeezed me so tightly, I couldn't speak. There isn't any permanent
damage."

"Knowing about your relationship with Trowa," Heero said, puzzled,
"the fact that he left you alone in your condition doesn't conform to
expectations."

Quatre nodded. "I suppose it doesn't, but Trowa must have realized
when he brought me in here that Duo hadn't really hurt me. Even if he
had, Trowa wouldn't have let his personal feelings cause him to stand
by while someone was supposedly raped. He has had too much experience
with that himself. It horrifies him." Quatre paused on the way to the
door and looked back at Heero. "I can feel that Trowa is very upset.
How would you rate his mental state, Heero?"

"He is displaying signs of instability," Heero replied. "but I
believe that he hasn't yet reached the level where he cannot be
reasoned with."

"I feel that too," Quatre agreed.

"I will kill him if he refuses to give Duo up to me," Heero warned
suddenly, wanting Quatre to be fully aware of the situation.

Quatre was startled, but then he replied chillingly. "You had best
make the next bullet for me then. I won't stand by and let that
happen."

"Understood," Heero responded, just as cold, but Quatre felt the
pent up emotions, the passion, behind Heero's words and it spoiled
the mask of the perfect soldier that Heero was trying to keep up.

"You won't have to," Quatre assured him, but Heero only glared back.
"Trust me. I can reach Trowa."

There was a gunshot and the sound of plaster splattering.

Heero and Quatre sprinted into the hallway and met up with Wu Fei as
they all burst into the next bedroom with their own weapons drawn.

"By Nataku!" Wu Fei exclaimed. "What's going on here, Trowa?"

Trowa was standing silently by a wall riddled by a large bullet hole
next to his head. The pilot of Heavyarms blinked, as if in a daze,
and then he said simply, "He's gone."

Heero looked towards the bed and saw that it was empty. His eyes
swiveled to take in the room swiftly . The window was open. They were
on the second floor of the safe house, but he knew Duo wouldn't have
hesitated to use it in a panic. After looking out and down, to
reassure himself that Duo hadn't fallen to his death, Heero turned on
Trowa.

"Explain! Now!" Heero demanded.

"Duo regained consciousness," Trowa replied. "He didn't remember
what had happened to him. He wanted you. I told him-"

Heero grabbed Trowa by the front of his turtleneck sweater and
pulled him close, asking low and vicious as Quatre tried to come
between them, "Did you tell Duo that I had raped him?"

"Yes, of course. It's the truth!" Trowa spat back, coming out of his
daze and trying to get away from Heero ineffectually.

Wu Fei was shocked. "Rape? What's he talking about Yuy?"

"Duo is terrified," Quatre said suddenly, looking up at Heero. "You
need to go to him."

"No!" Trowa shouted and struggled again against Heero's great
strength. "He's the last person that should go!"

Wu Fei looked at the struggling knot of young men. Heero had gone to
such pains to be gentle to Duo. Wu Fei couldn't believe that he would
change that behavior and rape Duo. It didn't make sense. Heero was
hard and cold, but he was not a stranger to honor and loyalty. Trowa
on the other hand was always quiet and collected. Wu Fei couldn't
imagine the pilot of Heavyarms making baseless charges.

"Quatre," Wu Fei said at last. "Tell me what to do."

"Heero did not rape Duo," Quatre replied without hesitation. "Trowa
is wrong."

"I heard him, Quatre!" Trowa exclaimed, sounding on the verge of
tears. "He was begging! He sounded just like- just like... this
bastard didn't listen and did it to him anyway!"

"Trowa," Quatre said gently, trying one more time to get through. He
touched a hand to his chest. "I know."

Trowa stared at him, not wanting to believe, so sure of what he
thought he knew. Heero took advantage of that moment of distraction.
His fist lashed out and caught Trowa square on the chin.

Before Trowa even hit the floor, before Quatre could voice a cry of
shock, and before Wu Fei could move to stop him, Heero sprinted for
the window. Grabbing the sill, he threw himself out of it and half
scrambled, half fell down the vine covered walls of the dilapidated
safe house.

Heero heard shouting from above as he landed onto the ground and
began to run. An ankle throbbed. He had landed badly. Shutting the
pain off expertly, he headed as fast as he could for the one place
Duo would surely go, the hiding place of their Gundams.

Once there, Heero cursed, and then switched directions and sprinted
for the utility vehicle. The hanger was empty of Deathscythe and one
of the transport trailers. Even in the midst of his frustration and
concern for Duo, Heero couldn't help admiring the young man. In full
panic, he was still executing an escape flawlessly. It wasn't clear
to Heero how flawlessly until he tried to start the utility vehicle
and discovered that the wiring had been ripped out.

"Kuso!"

Running back to the makeshift hanger, Heero clambered up Wing.
Inside of the Gundam, he grabbed up a bag filled with emergency gear
that he always kept there and an extra laptop in a case. Slinging
both onto his shoulder by their carrying straps, he descended again.

If Duo had run off on his own, without Deathscythe, Heero might not
have followed. Alone, the young man would have calmed down,
remembered the truth of what had happened between Heero and himself,
and returned to the safe house. With Deathscythe in tow, things were
drastically different. A frightened, unbalanced, Duo with a Gundam as
a weapon, couldn't be tolerated. Innocent lives could be lost or Oz
could capture Duo and his Gundam. Heero couldn't take the chance of
either scenario happening.

As Heero took to the highway and began a mile eating lope, following
the direction of the wheel marks the transport vehicle had made in
soft gravel before climbing onto black top, it began to rain.

***

Duo curled up under the blanket of the seedy hotel room and tried
very hard not to think. He had all of his clothes on, his knife under
his pillow, and the gun he had taken from Trowa in one hand, cold and
comforting.

Using Heero's laptop, that he had snatched before leaving, it had
been easy to hack a month's rent into the hotel computer and to set
up a false bank account under an assumed name in a bank nearby. Both
would be discovered in an audit of funds, but Duo didn't intend to be
around when that happened.

The choice of hotel had been for a purpose. Cheaper hotels had laxer
employees and his theft of a room, and occasional room service, was
going to take longer for them to notice. They tended to have stranger
clients as well, and they were less likely to turn up an eyebrow at a
young man, with a very long braid, who dressed all in black and kept
very strange hours.

Still, the room made Duo uncomfortable. He didn't want anything
reminding him of his past, but the room was full of triggers; the
peeling wallpaper, the smell of mildew and, more faintly, urine, and
the lumpy mattress and it's thin scratchy blankets. Even the
neighbors added a chilling dimension. They were men, deep voiced,
arguing drunkenly about something Duo couldn't make out. On L2, that
argument had usually been about his price.

The laptop beeped. Duo was up, shaking from head to toe and aiming
his pistol at it. He almost squeezed the trigger at the green,
glowing screen before he stopped himself. He had been waiting for a
call.

Duo slid out of the bed and padded over to the laptop. It was
resting on a small table. He sat down gingerly in the one chair and
punched an acceptance code. At once, words began scrolling and
attachments opened up. Duo found himself staring at the face of an
evil man.

"Mission accepted," Duo whispered and punched in his code again.

Terminating the connection, Duo sat with the gun in his lap and read
about his victim. Oz general. Overseer of Mobile Doll production.
Murderer of innocent civilians for practice runs. On Earth for
conference. Assassination window, thirty six hours. Duo pointed the
barrel of his gun at the man's picture and pretended to squeeze the
trigger with dead, violet eyes.

***

"Bang!"

It was easier than Heero had thought to find a trail, but he was
still finding it hard to believe that the trail led to Duo. Three men
had been recently murdered within a twenty mile radius of each other.
All had been Oz personnel. The descriptions of the murders were all
identical, shot to the head execution style. Looking at their obits,
Heero wouldn't have felt sorry for them even if he had been capable
of it. All of them had been guilty of crimes against the citizenry.
Those crimes, while not condoned by Oz, had gone tellingly unpunished.

It wasn't like Duo to take on missions like those. The pilot of
Deathscythe preferred fighting in his Gundam or using the explosives
he so dearly loved to create. Hunting down and killing men, one at a
time, was sniper work, more suited to Heero's talents. It didn't make
any sense.

Dr. G wasn't talking to Heero either. He terminated each connection
that Heero attempted, unwilling to trust the secrets of his protege
to another, unknown, Gundam pilot. The missions Heero had worked
along side of Duo, successfully, didn't seem to carry much weight
with the Dr.

Heero was left to employ his hacking skills then, and those skills
were considerable. He ran every hotel registry in the area where Oz's
men had died, hoping, in his dubious mental state, that Duo would
give himself away.

After long hours, Heero found what he was looking for. Laptop
perched on a phone booth with an internet connection, Heero pointed
to the one name that had caught his attention out of the hundreds of
others. David Maxell. A slim lead, but Heero had been trained to
understand how the human mind worked. It always stayed with the
familiar. Duo Maxwell. David Maxell. Heero didn't have any doubt that
it was Duo.

Heero ran scenarios in his mind as he walked to the run down, four
story hotel. It was situated in the worse part of town. Heero's
glare, and his intense posture, kept him safe, and few people were
willing to make remarks even from a safe distance. Heero looked like
a young man on a mission and he looked too dangerous to thwart.

It was easy to wait until the bored hotel clerk was distracted to
find the room number. It wasn't a secure building, despite the
neighborhood, and Heero found it ridiculously easy to get to Duo's
room. Standing to one side of the door, and mindful of how good a
shot Duo was with his gun, Heero picked the lock and slowly opened
the door.

The room was dark, but for the green glow of the laptop on the cheap
table. That glow bathed Duo's face where he lay curled up asleep in
bed. Heero felt a swift joy that he quickly throttled. The mission
wasn't completed yet. Heero still had to bring the boy back to the
safe house without getting either of them killed.

Softly lowering his own laptop and his bag to the floor, Heero
cautiously approached the bed. Loud shouts, men's voices, angry and
deep, erupted from the next room. Miraculously, Duo didn't wake,
instead he cringed and whimpered in his sleep.

Heero tried to gauge Duo's mental state. He looked about him at the
room. It was hardly lived in. Duo was still wearing the clothes he
had put on when he had run away. They didn't smell clean. From his
hallow cheeked appearance, Heero could tell that Duo hadn't been
eating much. His hair was a long, unkept, tangle snaking over the
rumpled blanket. Knowing how well he cared for it, and how much he
loved that length of hair, Heero concluded that Duo wasn't
functioning properly.

Weapons. Heero knew there would be a knife under the pillow. Gun...
Duo had it clutched in both hands, ready to use it. The shouting next
door was making his fingers tense on the cold steel. With every
muscle trembling and taut, Duo was a deadly spring waiting for the
trigger.

The voices rose. Heero felt confusion. Was Duo so used to hearing
them that they didn't register as a threat any longer? It didn't seem
possible, yet Duo slept on, oblivious, caught in some unpleasant
dream. He trembled and whimpered again. His lips moved. Heero used
his skill to lip read him, wanting every clue, every bit of
information that would help him win back his lover.

'Don't hurt me.' Duo was repeating it over and over again.

Heero began to speak, cautious, ready to duck or swerve in case Duo
tried to use that gun, but, before he could utter a word, the laptop
on the table and his own beeped at the same time.

Duo sprang up from the bed, staggering with weariness and blinking
as if he were nearly blind as he made his way to the one chair and
heavily sat down. Oblivious to Heero's presence, Duo typed in his
code. Immediately a mission brief began downloading to his computer.
Duo watched the words with a fervent intensity.

"Mission accepted," Duo whispered hoarsely and typed in the
acceptance code. Then, he just sat and stared at the words on the
screen.

Heero's computer beeped again, demanding his attention. The sound
puzzled Duo. It took him a long moment to realize that it wasn't
coming from his own laptop. Slowly, he swiveled in his chair, gun
coming up, but his entire attitude saying clearer than words that, if
there was someone in the room with him, they had already had ample
time to kill him or capture him. Since neither had happened...

"Heero," Duo whispered as he saw the pilot of Wing.

"Duo," Heero replied simply, standing perfectly still, hands lax and
unthreatening.

The shouting next door intensified. Duo's jaw clenched. His gun came
up and aimed for Heero. Heero dropped and two shots hit the wall
behind him. He stayed down, noticing that the shouting had abruptly
stopped. The two men were probably on the floor too, wondering what
was going to happen next and afraid for their lives.

"I have a mission," Duo ground out. He closed his laptop and headed
for the door.

"I do too," Heero replied, but Duo didn't stop. "It's probably the
same one. Dr. J will expect us to coordinate for the success of the
operation."

Duo did stop then and half turn, hand tensing on the gun. His dead,
violet eyes considered. Was this what he himself looked like, Heero
wondered. The stiff, unsmiling expression, the dead eyes, the aura of
total commitment to a mission?

"Unacceptable. I don't need support," Duo finally replied and his
gun aimed for Heero again.

The bullet tore up the floor next to Heero's face. Flecks of carpet
flew up and chips of the concrete floor spattered Heero's skin,
cutting it as the bullet ricocheted and hit the roof. Dust floated
down and Duo walked out of the room as if he were moving through a
white fog, surreal and deadly, uncaring whether he had hit his mark
or not. His entire being was centered on his mission.

Heero slowly sat up and opened his laptop. After punching in his
code, the same mission as Duo's scrolled onto his screen. He had been
right. Dr. J did want them to work together. The mission was an
assassination, but it was a dangerous one. One man couldn't
accomplish it alone. Heero accepted the mission, closed his laptop,
and hurried after Duo with a plan already formulating in his mind.

***

Duo was a shadow, slipping in and out of the smallest hiding places
as he made his way through the mansion. Guards were posted everywhere
and they were on alert. They knew that the Oz operative they guarded
was a man the colonists wanted dead. The man had personally given the
order for the destruction of a station filled with helpless civilians
who's only crime had been to protest against their Oz overlords.

Heero ran perimeter for Duo, quietly taking out man after man to
make a safe escape route. Duo was unaware of his efforts. The young
man didn't seem to care about escape. He walked purposefully, eyes
like amethyst steel, as he made his way straight for his goal.

Heero watched, curious as to how Duo would gain entrance to the
man's quarters. Knowing Duo's madness, Heero wasn't prepared for the
easy going smile Duo suddenly plastered on and the suggestive swing
to his hips he adopted as he walked up to the guards boldly.

The guards, all four wearing Oz uniforms and all taller and broader
than the slim pilot, looked down at him with a scowl and fingered
their weapons.

"How did you get here?" One demanded.

Duo looked coy, twirling the end of his braid around one finger.
"They let me in," he replied softly, not revealing who 'they' were.
"I'm expected," he added.

The man who had spoken pulled a face. "Here we are, trying to keep
his skin safe, and he orders up a whore again. That man has a death
wish. Everyone will know that he's in residence now."

One of the men looked Duo up and down. "Look at that hair! He's the
prettiest one I've seen yet. You must have cost a lot of credits.
You're too good for that slobbering, fat, bastard in there."

"Why thanks," Duo replied, batting his eyes and pursing his lips as
if he were going to kiss. "Unfortunately, slobbering, fat, bastard is
my customer, so, unless you want him to have you executed..."

The first man shook his head. "I'm not letting just any whore waltz
into his room. You'll have to be searched."

The second man licked his lips. "Let me."

"Pervert!" a third man grumbled, but the fourth suddenly looked eager.

The second man noticed. "Want to help, Kiton?"

"Yeah!" The fourth man replied and hitched at his pants.

Duo went very pale and his expression hardened. "I'll tell him you
spoiled the merchandise. He doesn't like seconds, he certainly won't
settle for thirds."

"Wrong!" The second man chuckled. "He's drunk, little bit! He won't
notice at all!"

The fourth man laughed too as they each took hold of one of Duo's
arms and dragged him around the corner of the hall for some privacy.

"Perverts!" the third man grumbled again and then didn't say
anything more. The first man started as a deadened pop sounded and
the fourth man suddenly developed a hole between his eyes. As the
body fell, and before the first man could react, a bullet from
Heero's silencer dropped him with a shot to the heart.

Heero turned quickly for the door and then stopped. He glanced down
the hall. The mission. Duo. His mind locked on the question for no
more than a second and then he was opening the door and sprinting
inside. He knew where his duty was and he knew that Duo would have
agreed.

There was a drunken, fat man sprawled in a chair with a bottle of
liquor in one hand. He looked blearily up at death, confused, and
then death claimed him as a bullet ripped into his brain. Without
pausing, Heero reloaded and sprinted back for the door.

Rounding the corner of the hall, Heero found Duo standing among
corpses and panting hard. Both of their guns came up at the same
time. They stared at one another. Duo's face was drawn and he was
shaking, but his clothes were still on. He must have waited only long
enough to round the corner before killing the men. Heero noted that
he hadn't used his gun. He had used his deadly body and broken their
necks.

"They weren't very good soldiers," Heero noted in disgust and then
said very firmly. "Mission completed Duo. The operative is dead."

It took a moment to sink in and then Duo looked angry. "My mission!"

"Our mission," Heero replied. "It took both of us to finish it. You
wouldn't have made it alone."

Duo struggled through that and then he began to turn away and leave.

"Duo, Little Baka," Heero called after him. When Duo stopped, but
didn't turn, Heero said. "You won't make it out alive without me. I
made an escape route."

"Why should I want to live?" Duo demanded hoarsely. He groaned and
his free hand gripped at his forehead. "I don't want to think! I need
another mission!"

Heero understood then, the tight time table of missions, the haggard
weariness that had let Duo sleep even through the arguments of loud
neighbors and an intrusion into his room. Duo was trying not to
remember, not to think and consider what Heero may or may not have
done to him. He was on the edge of breaking and it was clear he
didn't trust himself to be able to weather the emotional trauma.

"Come with me," Heero asked. "If you die, who will protect the
colonies from men like the dead one back there? Survive this so that
you can go on another mission. Come back to the safe house and we'll
work together to get through this. Duo, you know I didn't hurt you.
What Trowa told you wasn't true."

"I don't know! I don't want to know! I don't want to think!" Duo
whirled and began firing at Heero, his face a rictus of grief and
instability, targeting the main cause of his internal agony and doubt.

Heero felt a bullet hit home in his arm before he was able to dodge
backwards behind the protective turn of the hall. He had his gun held
ready, but he knew he wouldn't use it. Duo was life to him. Rather
than kill him, Heero was ready to accept death.

There was silence on the other side of the wall. Heero waited,
knowing it was a tried and true trick to make an enemy show himself,
yet something told him that Duo had gone. He confirmed it at last by
cautiously peering around the corridor. It was empty except for the
dead men.

An alarm sounded. Someone had probably found one of the guards Heero
had incapacitated. Now the hunt was up. It wouldn't be long before
they found the dead operative as well. Duo was in grave danger. Heero
hurried after him, knowing he had possibly taken on a suicide mission
now. Heero didn't care. For Duo, he was willing and ready.

Mission Accepted.

TBC

Duo: Why you...! How could you! Me and Heero were all lemony and
lovey dovey and now I'm crazy again and running to my death! Arggg!
Kracken: Sorry, but that's the way the story goes.
Duo: (spluttering indignantly) but you're writing the story, you-
you...!
Kracken: Oh, yeah! I am aren't I? What a meanie I am! (Evil Grin).

Sorry for the cliffhanger but Kracken spent a day at the doctor and
then there's the holiday... Oh, stop crying! It has a happy ending,
honest! :)

Go to Part 16: Knowing You

==========================================

Shinigami's Lover Arc 1: Part 16
Part 16: Knowing You
by Kracken (signs@screaminet.com)

Disclaimer: Don't own them or make any money off of them. I'm just
in it for the pretty guys and the adventure.

Warning: Male/Male sex. Sappiness. Tears. Language. Angst. Rape
flashback. Sweetness and light.

Knowing You, side story sequel to Faux Pas

==========================================

"Well, he didn't fall to his death," Wu Fei remarked as he looked
out the window at the running Heero. He turned from the window and
gave the others in the room a sour glance. "It's times likes these
that I wish I had stayed a loner. These relationships you are all
engaging in compromise your ability to fight this war."

It was Quatre who bristled at that. "We are Human, Chang, and even
Human Gundam pilots need companionship."

"Bodily easing is one thing," Wu Fei growled in disgust. "We are men
and we do need that. These emotional upheavals, though, are
unacceptable. They make you weak. Instead of battling Oz for the
colonies, Heero is chasing after the insane pilot of Deathscythe,
Trowa is on the edge of disillusionment, and I am certain you, Quatre
are about to invest a considerable amount of time to calm him down.
How are we to fight a war like this? How are any of you fit to go on
a mission?"

"What do you suggest?" Quatre was truly angry now, the blonde
Arabian's blue eyes snapping from under his fall of golden hair. Wu
Fei stared, but didn't have anything to say. "I thought not," Quatre
continued. "It's so easy to say, Chang, but another thing to
accomplish. We have hearts. We have feelings. They are what make us
fight for and want to die for this war. Don't belittle it or pretend
that anyone can do without them. You know it's not true."

"Do I?" Wu Fei shot back sarcastically. "I fight and die for honor
and Justice."

"And that's all?" Quatre's voice softened, feeling sorry for Wu Fei.
He dealt the blow anyway. He was a Gundam pilot and, under his
childish looks, he was steel. "We were all chosen for our talents,
our courage, and our commitment to the cause, but we all fight for
different reasons. As I recall, Justice for you began with a need to
avenge your wife's death; an emotional upheaval that you discount so
easily now in us. You functioned. You completed missions. You became
a superb pilot. I don't see that it made you weak."

Wu Fei glared and his nostrils flared, but he couldn't raise one
argument against Quatre's words. The heir to the Winner fortune had
been trained from the cradle to wield words with expert diplomacy or
fatal, cutthroat like precision. Wu Fei didn't have a chance against
Quatre and he knew it.

"Despite what you think," Quatre continued as he began to follow
Trowa out of the room. "We all need each other. We are all part of,
not only a team, but a family, Wu Fei. You are part of it too, as
much as you wish to fight against and deny it. Despite our problems,
like all families, we still manage to live and work together. We will
complete our missions. We will win this war. Don't begrudge our
family a life while we do that. Don't deny us a little love. We will
fight all the fiercer because of it."

Quatre heard Wu Fei snort. "Family?" as they turned towards his and
Trowa's room, but Quatre didn't hear contempt in the word. He heard
surprise and maybe a tinge of hopefulness. He knew Wu Fei had been
lonely. He knew the man envied them their love. Quatre had purposely
shown Wu Fei that he could be a part of it if he only allowed himself
to accept it and them. He needed to stop being a loner.

Quatre made sure that Trowa went into their room and then he went
downstairs and made up a tray of two of Trowa's favorite things, hot
chocolate and gingersnaps. Dipping the ends of the gingersnaps in
honey, Quatre laid them out carefully on a plate, and then carried
the tray upstairs, knowing that it was going to take more than sweets
and a warm drink to calm down his lover. It was a start though, a
first salvo against the wall of memory that Trowa had dredged up.

Trowa was seated stiffly in a chair instead of comfortably on the
bed. His arms were hugging his chest and his chin was tucked down,
green eyes lost and staring down at the floor. He didn't acknowledge
Quatre as the blonde Arabian placed the tray on the table near him.

"Duo said, 'no', Quatre," Trowa said suddenly, fierce and determined
to hold on to that.

Quatre settled on the floor at Trowa's feet. He didn't dare touch
the pilot of Heavyarms. The young man was a wound up spring. Instead,
Quatre remained relaxed and open, beautiful face turned up towards
his lover and blue eyes wells of understanding.

"Our first time," Quatre said softly, cherishing the memory, "You
were afraid when I offered myself to you. You told me, 'Lie still.
Don't move.' You were gentle, passionate, and brave. You made my
first time something I will always hold dear, Trowa-Love."

"It was warm and wonderful, like your heart," Trowa replied tightly,
trying not to fall under Quatre's spell.

Quatre smiled, but it was sad. "That night, together, we closed a
gaping, painful wound. Up until then, you had slowly been bleeding to
death. I felt the ache. I felt the anger. I felt the need in you to
know that sex was something other than vile and cruel. My heart told
me those things. I gave you my innocent virginity; a gift to the man
I love, and you didn't abuse it."

Trowa flushed. "It felt like my first time as well," he replied,
falling into that memory and away from the dark ones that had been
taking him into Hell. "It was all light and heat. Soft and wonderful.
You were perfect, resting in my hands like an angel as fine as spun
glass. I... I was so afraid of breaking you, of hurting you like-
like those mercenaries hurt me. I was so afraid that it was all going
to turn foul and I- I'd end up just using you... I almost felt like
running away, killing myself rather than chance seeing you as I had
been, broken in mind and body, covered in their filth, wishing they
would never come back, but knowing they would and that I would have
to endure it again. I didn't want to see you afraid of me like I had
been afraid of them, afraid of sex, hating it and dreading it from
me."

Quatre found the point of entry and pushed in with his words,
pulling open the old wound and making Trowa peek inside. "You didn't
tell me any of that," he said gently. "You looked serious, confident,
but inside you wanted to say no to me, am I right? You wanted to push
me away and not take the chance that sex was just a bodily function
and that it would mark me as it had marked you?"

Trowa nodded. Quatre dared and put a slim hand on Trowa's knee,
giving it a little pressure so that the young man looked into his
eyes at last.

Quatre chose his words carefully. It was a slim ledge of logic he
had to walk. "Duo and Heero love one another, Trowa. Heero has been
trying, patiently and tenderly, to gain Duo's trust. You know that.
You know Duo's problems. Simply touching him invites violence. To
make love to a person like that, well, I admire Heero's bravery and
his commitment. To think that he would suddenly toss all of that
aside and force Duo isn't logical Trowa and it's not what my heart is
telling me is true."

"I heard him," Trowa said stubbornly.

Quatre replied, "You heard part of a conversation, part of a larger
act of love between Heero and Duo. You didn't hear Duo give himself
to Heero despite all of his fears and memories. You couldn't see
Heero's caresses and physical reassurances. You couldn't experience
Duo's reflexive resistance and you weren't there to know that he
trusted Heero completely in the end, and acquiesced. They had an
epiphany, Trowa, a moment of clarity, a moment of true love and
understanding, just like we had."

Quatre put his other hand on Trowa's knee, leaning his body in close
enough to touch the young man's legs with his warmth. "You heard,
'no', Trowa. If it had been anyone else, any other situation, I would
have been one step behind you to stop what I would have considered a
rape as well. They don't have just any situation, Trowa. Duo has all
of your fears ten times greater. He will always be reluctant. He will
always think or say no, his body forever afraid of being hurt again.
You healed in my arms. My heart tells me that Duo never can in
anyone's. Heero can only do his best, to show Duo love and gentleness
and yes, sometimes to push past reluctance so that Duo can experience
the same joy that we feel every time we lie in each other's arms."

"It's hard to accept," Trowa murmured and raised his hands and
rubbed at his eyes, weary with spent emotions and anxiety. "If I do
accept what you're saying, then I also have to accept that I told Duo
a lie, a lie that has made him run away to God knows where. What if
something terrible happens to him? What if I hurt his mind even more
than it already is?"

"You reacted properly," Quatre assured him, feeling the rising panic
and guilt in Trowa's tense body. "No one can blame you for trying to
protect Duo. Heero was angry, but he's not a fool."

Trowa nodded, hopeful. He reached down, took Quatre's hand and
gently caressed it. He brought it to his lips and kissed it
passionately. Quatre's eyes softened and he slowly stretched out onto
his back on the floor, carefully pulling Trowa from the chair and
down with him.

"Come, Trowa- Love," Quatre breathed. "Let me be the light in your
darkness. Let me chase it out of your soul. Let me heal this hurt."

Trowa wrapped Quatre into his embrace, kissing Quatre's perfect
neck, enjoying the intoxicating smell of his fresh skin. He didn't
deserve this, he thought, he had just done a terrible thing to Duo
and Heero. He felt a need for punishment.

"Atone later, when they return," Quatre whispered, as if reading
Trowa's mind. In a voice thick with rising passion he begged, "Be one
with me, Trowa. Now. Let it be like the first time. Make time stop.
Make my heart warm. Make my body sing!"

Trowa made gentle, passionate love to Quatre. He knows me, Trowa
thought, body and soul. He knows how to soothe my every hurt and
drive away my every fear. He deserves every ounce of love, every
happiness, anything he desires. I would do anything for him, give him
anything he asks.

As Quatre writhed in pleasure in Trowa's arms, Trowa began by
bringing their bodies together and making sweet harmony.

***Owari***
Go to Part 17: Remembering Heero

==========================================

Shinigami's Lover Arc 1: Part 17
Part 17: Remembering Heero
by Kracken (signs@screaminet.com)

Disclaimer: I don't own them or make any money off of them. They're
just these guys, ya know?
Warnings: Sex between guys, maybe. Violence. Language. Angst.
Graphic. Heero torture galore. Guns. Bombs. Gundams. Comedy (Just
kidding! You know me better than that by now! :)

Duo: Faux Pas was lousy! What happened?
Kracken: Well, I was sick and, when I realized I was writing like a
fourth grader, I stopped until I felt better. Sorry about that.
Duo: What was wrong?
Kracken: I, uh, had a bacterial infection in my va-
Heero: Stop right there! Women problems. Saddle up, Duo, and let's
get out of here!
Kracken: (Pouting) but it's all better.
Duo: Says you! We don't want to hear anything about stuff like that.
We're yaoi characters after all!
Kracken: (scowling) But it's not anything that gross. I just had a
bad fever and-
Heero: Enough! Move it, Duo! We'll have to have at least six
sessions of lemons just to erase that much from our minds!
Duo: Yaaaa!
Kracken: (Grumble)

==========================================
An explosion.

Heero counted to sixty and another explosion ripped through the
mansion. Bombs set to a timer. Duo's work. Duo had a plan of escape
after all. Even in his instability, he was still a professional.

Cries echoed all around Heero, men alarmed and ready to be attacked.
At any moment, he expected to turn a corner and run head long into
trouble. He held his gun tightly in his hand and mentally inventoried
his bullets. He couldn't afford to waste amo. There was a lot of
enemy between him, Duo, and freedom. Every shot had to be used
effectively.

Dead men. One garroted and another with a broken neck further down
the hall. It was the only clue that Heero had that he was going in
the right direction. After that, smoke billowed and the smell of a
fire hit Heero's senses sharply. He pulled his shirt up over his nose
and wet it with his spit.

Hunkering low to the floor, and hurrying his steps, Heero almost
missed it; a broken window, the security mesh probably blown out by a
small micro detonator. The hole was small and blood coated the edges
along with a scrap of black material from Duo's clothes. It looked as
if Duo had just managed to squeeze his slim frame through. Heero knew
that he couldn't do the same. Holstering his gun, he put a calloused
hand to each side of the opening and flexed his enhanced muscles. He
was only flesh and blood, but his will was stronger than metal mesh.
It gave reluctantly, but give it did, and Heero was soon squeezing
his muscled body through.

Once outside and on the ground, Heero's gun came out again. Daring,
he pulled out his flashlight and quickly looked for a clue as to
where Duo had fled. Nothing. Paving stretched out for twenty feet and
then rounded into gravel and plant beds. Duo hadn't even left a spot
of blood.

"Kuso, Duo!" Heero swore softly. "What is going on in that head of
yours?"

Dogs! Heero heard the scrabble of their claws and their growls.
Without bothering to turn and look, he sprinted for the security
wall, reluctant to shoot the animals and draw attention to himself.
Effortlessly, Heero outdistanced the beasts, used a low stump as a
springboard, and flung himself over the top of the wall as graceful
as a pole vaulter. Landing on the other side, he was less graceful.
He crashed into low bushes and went sprawling first onto the dirt of
the plant bed and then onto the asphalt of an access road. Skin tore
and his wounded arm shrieked protest. The laptop, in its insulated
bag inside of his backpack, clattered ominously, hopefully not
damaged beyond repair.

One mission accomplished, Heero thought with satisfaction as he
rolled to his feet and began running. Grimly, though, he considered
his other, more personal mission. He would have to search for Duo
again and this time, he was sure, Duo would be more careful.

***

Manifest lists streamed over Heero's cracked laptop screen. He
squinted to make sense of them. He switched to shipping; land, air,
and sea transport containers going out of the area he was now in.
Next, he scanned weigh station records and then rented vehicles of a
certain size. He tried every possibility. He even searched diligently
through container weights, trying to catch one that weighed as much
as Deathscythe and a slim pilot. Nothing registered in his computer
like mind as anything close to a clue, yet he refused to give up,
considering the possibility that Duo might have decided to lay low
before moving. Still, as the days dragged by, the fear that he had
missed something was growing.

Eyes bloodshot and body growing lanky from missed meals, Heero took
a break from his search and threw himself down onto the bed of the
five star hotel he had hacked a room from. It was soft. He didn't
admit that he liked that or that he often chose such hotels because
everything in them was always immaculate and well appointed. Instead,
he convinced himself that it was for the internet connections in each
room and easy access to the hotels more powerful computers.

Heero let himself drift off into sleep, mind still alert and
listening to his surroundings for danger. He knew that if anything
happened, he would wake instantly and deal with it. He didn't like
the weakness of sleep. He felt that it robbed him of time and
efficiency. He often wished that Dr. J had found a way to let him do
without it. The body cried for it though, and Heero had to concede
defeat to maintain top performance. His body rewarded him with a
dream.

Duo. Wicked Duo. Duo his manic love. So dangerous. Heero loved Duo
just because he was so very dangerous. A tiger. A rattlesnake.
Shinigami. Death. Heero's death if he wasn't careful. Gently. Gently.
Patience. The dance of the Black Widow's mate. Success was mating.
Failure was poison and death. Heero's adrenalin surged. He was more
than up for the task, he had danced with death enough times to be an
expert.

Dream Duo chuckled low and deep, ran hands along Heero's body, and
pulled him close to kiss; drinking deep of mouth, of nipples, of a
swollen and needy cock. Heero writhed on the bed. Careful. Careful.
Patience. Wait. Dance the dance.

Heero reached out with infinite slowness, won the acceptance in
Duo's amethyst eyes, and lightly traced cheek and lips of
incomparable softness. Encouraged by Duo's stillness, Heero's other
hand sought Duo's dripping erection. It was hot and silky, pulsing
and twitching in Heero's grasp.

Dream Duo sighed and seemed to relax. Heero wasn't fooled. He rolled
aside and avoided the knife that plunged into the bed where he had
been lying. Duo laughed, eyes alight with fire, marveling at the
quickness of his lover. They began again, the knife forgotten. Heero
had moved too quickly. He reined himself in and concentrated.

At last the moment came, sweet surrender. Heero offered. Duo took
and plundered; fierce and wild. Heero kissed the pillow and Duo
arched over him, connecting flesh to flesh and moving in a hot, rapid
rhythm that was painful, but wonderful at the same time.
Heero loved to be possessed, loved control taken, loved to rest in
the oblivion of love and sex and a thrusting body sending shots of
fire through his nerves. In the end though, his nature ended
submission. He rolled and presented his needy cock.

Another dark chuckle from dream Duo, a whispered assent, and a tight
entrance pushing down; down, and down until Heero was engulfed in
silken heat. The rhythm began again and Heero's hand took the
erection bobbing enticingly before him into a calloused hand. They
matched rhythms. Animals in heat. Humans in love.

Heero came in a copious amount into his pants. He cried out,
thrusting himself up on the bed and looking wildly around him,
disoriented. No Duo. No loving body on top of his. Just a young man's
needy dream.

Groaning and rubbing at his sweating scalp, Heero staggered from the
bed and headed for the shower. His mind had told him that it was a
dream early on. Duo had never been that free, that easy to love. It
made Heero ache, partly at his own foolish weakness and partly at the
thought that things may have moved to a point where that dream might
never become a reality.

The dead look he had seen in Duo's eyes when he had confronted him
at the mansion came back to him. He knew that look, knew what it
meant. He saw it every day when he looked at himself in the mirror.
It was the expression of someone who had cut their emotions off
completely, who wanted very hard not to think, not to remember, not
to know that something very bad had happened. Heero's life had been
full of bad things, bad things even now he never wanted to think
about. Duo had been the one to change that. Duo had made memory
precious again. Heero wasn't certain that he could do the same for
Duo.

Find him, Heero told himself, before nothing can reach him. Don't
fail in the most important mission of your life!

***

"Hey, Heero!" Howard crowed. "At last, man! I've been trying to get
a hold of you!"

Heero stared at the vid screen at the sun glass wearing Gundam
mechanic. He didn't allow himself to hope just yet. "Why?"

"Still a man of few words, eh?" Howard scratched at his balding
head. "I called the other guys and they said you were looking for
Duo. I tried every link I knew and then had to sneak into Duo's
laptop and grab the code from there. You should change that code man.
If I can find it, anyone can." He peered over the rim of his
sunglasses at Heero and chuckled nervously as Heero continued to
stare silently. "Okay, man! Getting to the point; I've got Duo here
with me."

"You do?" Heero felt a rush of adrenalin. He immediately added extra
security shunts and then asked. "Give me your coordinates."

"Okay, man, but I gotta tell you, Duo ain't quiet right in the head
right now."

"I know," Heero replied.

"You do?" Howard raised eyebrows. "What happened to him? It's like
he thinks he just landed on Earth for the first time and we just met.
When I asked about you guys, he didn't know what I was talking about.
He remembered you though, but it was all mixed up. He said that he
shot you and that you tried to blow up your Gundams. That's what
happened when you first met, right? He said that he saved you from
Oz, but then he was confused."

Heero nodded. He would be. Heero had gone with him to Howard's ship
to repair their Gundams then. Heero wasn't there. If Duo had lost his
memories of everything but that time, then showing up would complete
the memory for him. Heero wasn't certain whether that was the right
thing to do or not. Was it right to validate his madness?

"Is he violent?" Heero asked.

"No!" Howard scratched his balding head again. "He's pretty happy go
lucky right now, as if he didn't have any worries. He spends his days
tinkering with Deathscythe. Dr. G called him a few times, but he
hasn't gone on any missions. I don't think Dr. G trusts him enough
right now."

"No, he wouldn't," Heero agreed. "The man isn't a fool. He must
realize that Duo isn't fit."

Not fit. Heero felt his insides tighten into a knot. If Duo was
stripped of his Gundam and not allowed to fight, Heero knew that Duo
would react the same way he himself would. He would fight on, alone,
armed only with a gun if he had to. To Heero, the war was something
he had been trained to fight his entire life. It was all that he
knew, but to Duo, it was revenge and a need to protect innocent
civilians. He couldn't NOT do it. It was his life's blood. The only
way to stop him would be by execution and Heero didn't have any doubt
that the cold blooded Dr. G would order it.

"Coordinates," Heero demanded again.

"Sure thing!"

Heero didn't write them down after Howard transmitted them. That was
too dangerous. Instead, he committed them to memory, and then began
the long journey back to the other pilots and his Wing Gundam. He
would need it to reach the transport quickly.

Duo needed him. His euphoric state wouldn't last forever and there
wasn't any telling what side of Duo would emerge afterwards. Heero
decided that he had to be there to either bring him back to memory
and sanity or to put an end to his dangerous lover and his Gundam
Deathscythe. Heero wasn't going to allow innocent civilians to be
endangered no matter how much Duo meant to him.

***

Landing on the carrier was difficult. There was a brisk wind and the
flat top of the barge rocked with the huge swells of the ocean.
Engines revved, metal stressed, but Wing's computers calculated and
compensated and managed to land in one piece. Immediately, a crane
snaked out and stored the Gundam below decks, afraid of Oz satellite
snoopers or fly overs by planes.

Heero met Howard on the heaving deck. The man was in shorts, deck
shoes, and a flowered shirt. His hands were tucked into his pants
pockets, his only concession to the cold of the wind. Heero, in his
flight suit, hunched against the wind and motioned Howard to the
leeward side of some equipment. When the wind stopped rushing in his
ears he asked, "Status?"

Howard grimaced. "Still the same," he replied. "Man, you gotta do
something. It's creeping me out the way he doesn't remember anything.
He has this, I don't know, kind of a tension to him. Even though he
grins from ear to ear, you just know he's gonna explode!"

Heero nodded, disliking his fears to be confirmed. "Where is he?"

"Store room 10," Howard replied. "He refused to sleep with the crew,
so I had to clean him out a space."

Heero recalled the first time Duo had been forced to bunk with the
other pilots when accommodations were sparse. The boy had curled up
near the door defensively and held his gun all night without
sleeping. It had taken several nights, and several tranquilizers
hidden in Duo's food, to gain his trust and to help break down his
intense defensive reflexes. Heero could imagine the young man's fear
now, having reverted mentally to another time and having placed
himself among strange men.

Heero left Howard without a word. Going below deck, he unbuttoned
and unzipped the tight closures on his suit, giving himself not only
more room to breathe, but also more freedom of movement. He wasn't
certain what his reception was going to be.

Store room 10. Heero stood before the door for a long moment,
preparing himself mentally, and then he reached for the knob. It
opened before he could touch it and he came face to face with Duo.

Duo started and stared. Something flickered in his amethyst eyes,
but it was gone too quickly for Heero to understand. Duo grinned
maniacally and said in a very cheerful tone, "Hey, Hee-man! Did you
get that Gundam of yours working yet?"

Heero considered responses and settled on one, not sure whether it
was the right one or not. "No."

"Told ya!" Duo chuckled. "You can't fix a Gundam with paper clips
and boat caulk. You're just going to have to accept that, man!"

"Hn," Heero replied.

Duo laughed outright as he edged past Heero. "You have to work on
those sentences, man! There's other words besides 'hn' and
'no'."

"Baka," Heero sighed and Duo blinked at him cheerfully.

"What's that mean, Hee-man? Japanese, right?"

Heero didn't reply. It was too surreal. He felt like the clock had
turned back. He remembered the exact conversation taking place when
they had first met. Heero had been determined to go on a mission, but
his Gundam had needed repairs. In the end, he had stolen parts from
Deathscythe to repair Wing.

"How's your arm and leg?" Duo wondered as Heero followed him down
the hall. Heero blinked, confused. "The bullet holes and the broken
leg?" Duo prompted with a long suffering tone to his voice. "What are
you made of, anyway? You're walking around like nothing's wrong with
you."

Heero put a hand to his arm where Duo had shot him just recently. He
had long ago shut off the pain. Wrapped and clean, it wasn't a
consideration any longer. "Healing," he replied. "My performance is
not impaired."

"Glad to hear it," Duo replied mockingly and then in some
exasperation, "Come on! Relax, man. There isn't any Ozzies out here
to worry about! Drop the soldier hat and put on your , 'I'm a
teenager and looking for fun', hat!"

Duo pulled his black cap out of his pocket and purposefully put it
on, centering it with exaggerated care. "Here's mine. I'm off to play
with the best toy a young guy could want; my Gundam. Wanna come
along?"

"Yes," Heero replied.

Duo bounced energetically ahead of him, braid swinging as he
laughed, "No, Hee-man! You have to say, 'Yaaa! Let's go play with out
Gundams!' You have to get in the right mood!"

"No."

Duo looked back at Heero and rolled his eyes. "Suit yourself, but
you better learn to have some fun, man, or you're going to die of old
age before you hit twenty!"

Duo's mask was up full force. Heero remembered it, that facade of
humor and happiness that hid the pain knotted deep in Duo's gut.
Since they had become lover's, Duo had lost the habit of raising it
in Heero's presence. It was strange to see it again. Duo wore it so
well. Heero could almost believe that he was happy and carefree.

Going into the hold, Heero marveled at Deathscythe. It was a
perfect, solid representation of Duo; dark, deadly, and beautiful.
Whistling a happy tune, Duo waved cheerily to Heero and took the lift
upwards to where the hatch was open and tools were laid out. The slim
and deceptively delicate appearing pilot of Deathscythe set to work.

Heero went to Wing. It was dripping with condensation from the
weather and still steaming slightly with heat. Heero touched a warm,
metal leg, not sure what to do now. Habit took over in his confusion.
Wing needed to be checked out and, like Duo, Heero always received a
strange satisfied feeling forever tweaking the efficiency of his
Gundam up a notch. Since it was impossible to confront Duo
immediately and solve the complicated situation at once, Heero opted
for patience and rode the lift up to Wing's hatch.

Heero worked diligently, yet, even as his mind calculated, as well
as any computer, the intricacies of engine performance, he reserved a
part of his mind in an attempt to formulate some plan to win Duo back
to sanity.

It grew hot in the hold and, combined with Wing's heat, Heero found
himself stripping his flight suit down to his waist, letting it hang
about his hips as he flexed and twisted to reach certain components.
It wasn't long before he felt eyes on him. covertly, Heero looked out
of the corner of his eye and spotted Duo, frozen and staring at
Heero's bare upper torso with a mixture of apprehension and... lust.

The old game, Heero sighed, but it held a bit of hope too. Duo might
be forcing his mind to forget, but his body was another thing
entirely. It still wanted the pilot of Wing.

Heero played the game, ignoring Duo, concentrating on his work and
formulating a plan, though now the latter was easier. Judging from
Duo's reaction to him, seduction might be a strong weapon. Heero had
to gain his trust again, feed the jury in Duo's head with proof of
his gentleness and love until he won his freedom from the charge of
rape.

"Hey, Heero!"

Heero looked over at Duo.

"Want some lunch?!"

Heero noted his low level of energy. He needed food and rest. He
needed to get out of the heavy flight suit. His body ached in protest
when he pulled the padded material up and zipped it.

"Come on!" Duo shouted, mistaking his silence for reticence. "A
guy's gotta eat! Howard's crew makes good grub!"

"All right!" Heero called back and took the lift down.

Duo took his lift down too, but he didn't wait for it to finish the
descent. He dropped impatiently with a chuckle, but then gasped and
stumbled on his bad leg. He rubbed at it, looking embarrassed.

"Shit! I must have landed wrong! That hurt!"

"Be careful!" Heero told him anxiously. "The tolerance of your leg
was greatly diminished when you fractured it."

Duo raised eyebrows. "What are you talking about, man? I didn't hurt
my leg! That's you, remember? You're the one that broke yours." He
recovered and straightened. "You need some food, Hee-man! You're
starting to hallucinate!"

Duo clapped Heero on the shoulder and walked past him out of the
hold, that brief touch enough to make him nervous, but something he
could accomplish when he was feeling particularly safe with a person.
It was a strange contradiction and Heero puzzled over it as he
followed Duo. Duo trusted him, but was that just because he didn't
remember not to? How deep did his denial of memory go?

They ate in the cramped mess hall with a few other men. Duo chose a
spot away from them and perched in his chair, not really sitting, not
really standing, but a nervous twitch between the two, as he began to
shovel a plate of some nondescript food into his mouth. Heero ate
more slowly, absently using his fork to separate and form his food
into bite sizes as he watched Duo quietly. The boy more than made up
for the silence, peppering Heero with questions about his Gundam,
mostly, and the colony he had come from. Heero replied in
monosyllables, but Duo didn't become discouraged. He seemed
determined to draw Heero out of himself and make him a friend.

Duo went back for seconds and then shoveled the food into his mouth
as quickly as the first helping. When he stood to go for thirds,
Heero automatically, and in an authoritative tone, said, "No, you've
had enough, Duo."

Duo frowned darkly for only a moment and then he considered the
state of his stomach, which he almost never did. "Huh! Guess you're
right, Heero."

A man walking by snorted, "Good! Someone else to stop that glutton!
I'm tired of cleaning vomit off the floor!"

Duo flushed scarlet and glanced at Heero, embarrassed. "Well, uh,
I'm not used to having as much as I want. L2 was a hard place to be a
street rat in and Dr. G didn't know much about young men's stomachs
needing regular meals and all."

Duo waited tensely for some sort of snide remark from Heero. Heero
said calmly, soothingly. "I understand."

Duo blinked and then smiled again, regaining his former exuberance
as if it were a switch turning on and off. "K, uh, well, I'm going
back to finish up with my buddy Deathscythe. You going to stay and
finish eating?"

"Yes," Heero replied. "I'll join you shortly."

"Great! Later Hee-man!"

Heero watched Duo walk out of the mess hall, his braid swinging
merrily behind him. He wasn't surprised when Howard settled into
Duo's vacant chair. "See what I mean?" Howard asked.

Heero nodded.

"So, what are you going to do?" Howard wondered eagerly.

Heero replied as he stood up, leaving his unfinished meal. "Put
another bunk into Duo's room. I will be sleeping there."

Howard held up two hands in alarm, sunglasses sliding down to the
end of his nose. "Wait a minute, man! Don't do that unless you have a
death wish for Shinigami himself! Duo's a hair trigger. If he doesn't
kill you while he's awake, then he'll do it in his sleep!"

Heero's jaw set determinedly. "I know how to handle Duo. Do as I say."

"Okay, okay! You're funeral!" Howard sighed. "Good luck, man. You'll
need it."

Heero looked down at Howard and asked without preamble. "Did Dr. G
give you any orders concerning Duo?"

"Like an order to dispose of his favorite protege and reclaim
Deathscythe?" Howard asked sourly. "Don't think I haven't been
waiting for it, but so far he's only given orders not to allow
Deathscythe to leave the hold."

"How are you accomplishing that?" Heero wondered. When Howard pulled
a detonator from his breast pocket, Heero nodded grimly. He didn't
protest. He knew the necessity of it. A Gundam was unstoppable, a
weapon that couldn't be allowed to rest in the hands of a disturbed
young man.

"So far, he hasn't tried to leave the ship," Howard said. "He's
antsy, but not eager to do anything without orders from Dr. G."

Heero understood that reluctance. He had it in spades where Dr. J
was concerned. His own training in obedience had involved sadistic
forms of correction. Though Duo had never spoken of his own training,
Heero had heard him say things in his sleep that had confirmed to
Heero that he hadn't been the only one to suffer under the Dr.'s
cold, clinical, brutality. If any of them had harbored any childhood
before meeting the doctors, those zealots to their cause had stomped
it out underfoot as a distraction to the pilot's training. In light
of that, it was a wonder that Duo had maintained even a semblance of
good humor, but the young man had always thrived on hardship and had
found a joke in even the worst situations. Heero had secretly admired
him for that strength and had never imagined a time when Duo couldn't
cope, couldn't face up to yet one more hardship with his patented
smile and a flipped bird in the face of adversity.

He's still fighting, Heero thought, wanting to believe it. Somewhere
inside, Duo was fighting to overcome his fear, gathering the bravery
to remember and to face whatever the truth was. He needed time for
that and patience. Heero wished he could give him both, but the war
waited for them. The barge was a floating oasis, but the outside
world still moved on. Oz still killed and conquered. Gundam pilots
were still needed to fight them and defeat them. They had to go back.
This situation had to be settled one way or another.

***

"Wait a minute, pallie!" Duo argued as Heero dropped his pack on the
second bed in the sparse room. Duo had come in behind him and he was
immediately upset. "I sleep alone! You'll have to find a bed
somewhere else."

"No," Heero replied and sat on the bed as he began to take off his
boots.

"No?" Duo was wide eyed with consternation.

"We're both Gundam pilots and we have to move in utmost secrecy,"
Heero explained as he peeled off his sweaty socks. "I can't work in
front of the crew."

"Then find another closet!" Duo exclaimed.

"No," Heero replied again. He unzipped his flight suit, stood up,
and began stripping it off.

Duo was still standing in the open doorway. That made him feel safe
enough not to run, but Heero saw his hand inch for his hidden gun.
His voice was dangerous. "What do you think you're doing?"

"Preparing to take a shower," Heero approached the door slowly. Hand
on his hidden gun, Duo inched out of his way. When their positions
were reversed, Heero said, "Don't lock the door after I am gone. The
lock is simple. It won't keep me out."

"I have things that WILL keep you out," Duo threatened.

"I know you do," Heero replied and left to find the crew shower room.

When Heero was clean and ready for another confrontation, he
returned to find the door to Duo's room wide open and the pilot
missing.

Dressing in jeans, a long sleeved shirt, and a windbreaker, Heero
climbed above deck and began a search for the pilot of Deathscythe in
a methodical and logical manner. He would have searched the ship from
top to bottom, but Duo forestalled him. He found the pilot perched on
an upper deck under the stars, laptop glowing before him, and
beautiful face turned up towards space. The wind had died down and
the sea had calmed. Everything was very quiet and peaceful.

"You can have the room," Duo replied without looking at Heero.

"And you'll sleep out here?" Heero wondered.

"No," Duo replied. "I have a mission. I'm waiting for the download
to finish."

Heero narrowed his eyes at the screen and saw the time meter ticking
down as it loaded information. He also saw the crack in the screen.
It wasn't Duo's laptop, but his own. Duo had hacked it and accepted a
mission from Dr. J. pretending to be Heero.

Heero went cold. He had expected to have days to work with Duo, at
least a little time to convince him. "I can't let you go."

Still not looking at Heero, Duo pulled his gun and leveled it at
him. He stood up with the laptop in his free hand. "I do as I
please," he said. "I thought we could be 'buddies', being Gundam
pilots, and all, but... well, you don't know me. I'm pretty screwed
up, Hee-man." He looked at Heero at last and a half smile was on his
lips. "I have to stay a loner."

"You're wrong," Heero told him. "I know what you're afraid of. I
know what you think you might do. I know what you think I might do."
Heero gave Duo a very intense look. "I won't ever touch you unless
you want me to, Duo."

Duo went very pale and he trembled visibly. "I- I-," Heero could see
him struggle to clamp down hard on memory. "How do you know?" he
breathed at last.

"Deep down inside of you, Duo, you know the answer to that already,
"Heero replied softly. "You can't hide from memory forever."
Duo shook his head sharply, braid swinging with the motion. "I don't
know what you're talking about. You aren't making any sense." The
laptop clicked completion and Duo gripped it tighter to him with its
precious information.

"Don't go. You aren't well," Heero said, trying to reason with Duo
as traitor reflexes zeroed in on a hundred objects he could grab to
kill Duo then and there. "You might harm innocent people by mistake."

Duo was furious all at once. "I may be a fucked up individual,
Heero, but I know my Gundam and I know the difference between an Oz
mobile suite and a unarmed citizen! If accusing me of being
incompetent is what this whole weird conversation is all about, then
I have to tell you that I was a complete case study in insanity when
Dr. G first laid eyes on me. He taught me to control myself and to be
a competent soldier for the colonies no matter what my mental state
happened to be at the time. I can't even begin to tell you the
sadistic methods he cooked up to teach my mind to behave when I'm in
a Gundam or on a mission, but let's just say I still have nightmares
about them."

So many things he still didn't know about his lover... Heero was
suddenly uncertain about what to do. If Duo was telling the truth,
and Heero didn't have any reason to doubt him, then he was fit to
pilot his Gundam and Heero's need to make him remember, make him
become his lover again, was secondary to the fact that Duo could
continue to fight in the war, insane or not.

Heero abruptly switched mental gears. He knew where his priorities
lay. "I will come with you."

Duo shook his head. "I work alone, man! Deathscythe needs a lot of
room. I don't want to have a rookie get in the way of the laser. It
can slice through even gundanium."

"I have experience," Heero replied and then chillingly. "I am going.
If you refuse I have only one option open to me."

Duo glared, but he would have had more luck staring down a brick
wall. Heero was unmovable in his decision. Duo scratched under his
black cap, puzzled. "I don't understand any of this! You come out of
nowhere, try and kill some stupid girl, get yourself shot and
captured, and now you're questioning my competence and trying to make
my business your own. What's up with you, man?"

"You know, Duo," Heero insisted. "I don't have to tell you."

"I think you're crazier than I am, Hee-man!" Duo chuckled. "Maybe I
should be taking the keys to your Gundam!"

"You wouldn't be successful and Wing does not have keys," Heero
replied.

Duo holstered his gun and held up a hand placatingly. "Just a joke!
I wonder if there are any more Gundam pilots out there and if they
are as screwed up as the both of us?"

"There are three."

Duo blinked in shock, really not having expected a reply. "Three
more? Where are they?"

"In a safe house," Heero replied. "We've been fighting the war
together, coordinating our attacks for utmost efficiency."

Duo looked thoughtful, clutching the laptop against his chest.
"Working together. .." He shook his head again. "No, I'm a loner and
you'd know why if you tried to spend any time with me. I don't play
well with others, Heero."

"We don't play. We kill," Heero replied.

Duo took in a breath and then said shakily, "Yeah, so do I," and
then he was striding off of the upper deck. "Come on then and I'll
show you the info that was just sent to me. I'll work with you this
time, just to get you off my back and to show you my ace fighting
style, but then, I want you to get lost, k?"

"Understood," Heero replied as he followed.

Duo muttered as he went down the stairs, "Seems you understand a lot
of things, Hee-man."

***

Heero touched the detonator to Deathscythe nestled in his flight
suit next to his own. He had taken it from Howard. The man hadn't
argued. Heero's cold eyes had told him that he would do what was
necessary if Duo got out of hand. Heero was relived that, so far, he
had found the detonator unnecessary.

Duo fought with his usual exuberance and fierceness. Heero gave him
a wide berth, directing his attention to destroying the Oz base while
Duo concentrated on slicing apart every mobile suit that approached
him and his lethal laser scythe. Heero monitored him on the vid
screen, watching out of the corner of his eye, Duo's intense face and
his almost glowing amethyst eyes.

Revenge was sweet for the pilot of Deathscythe and he seemed to be
drinking in that sweetness with every slice into the enemy. Heero
knew his past, knew of the Oz soldiers that had frequently used him
when he had been a prostitute, knew of the massacre of the only
family Duo had ever known in an orphanage. Duo couldn't get enough of
serving up payback to the enemy, but he never went out of bounds. He
never stooped to evil himself. If a suit backed up and fled, he
didn't pursue it. If a suit went down and didn't get up, he didn't
annihilate it. He was in perfect control, his mission statement one
of destruction and disablement rather than as a death dealer.
Shinigami only delivered death to those who dared to come against him.

At first, Duo avoided Heero's help, almost pretending that Heero
wasn't there, but as the fight progressed, Heero was there to divide
the forces against them and to take the heat from Duo more than once.
When it was over, and the smoking remains of the base was stretched
out at the feet of their Gundams, Duo was euphoric.

"That was great man!" Duo crowed over the com link. "Maybe this
working together thing isn't so bad after all. Shinigami's tough, but
I think I would have been swamped a few time back there without your
help. I'm big enough of a man to admit it!"

"That's why we work together," Heero replied over the link.
"Separate, we will be destroyed, overwhelmed by the enemy. Together,
we can watch each other's backs and divide their forces." He paused
for emphasis, hoping against hope, as he concluded, "Deathscythe is
strong and you are an excellent pilot, Duo. I want you to join us.
Together, we can win this war."

Duo thought it over, his com link silent as Heero spread his
Gundam's wings and revved his jets. Taking hold of Duo's Deathscythe,
he waited, detonator in hand.

At last, just when Heero began to move his thumb over the button,
Duo said, "Why, are you going to blow yourself up too?"
Duo knew what Heero was about to do, knew what he had planned all
along. Heero felt his gut tighten. "You know the answer to that,"
Heero replied.

Duo thought that over, face reflecting inner turmoil. He grimaced
and rubbed at his forehead. "I don't have the answers to a lot of
things concerning you," he replied finally. "Maybe I'll tag along
until I have them, K?"

"Acceptable," Heero replied.

Duo adjusted his stabilizers and shut down his Gundam to allow Wing
to carry him. While he did that, he fumbled distractedly to sever the
com link. Unaware that the line was still live, he said under his
breath, but still loud enough for Heero to hear. "I could really fall
for that Heero, if I'm not careful."

Heero severed the link himself as he adjusted the engines to carry
the extra weight. He felt a warm flush of hope and he smiled.

TBC

Yeah, I hate that too and I swore I would never do it, but here it
is for the second time. Sorry, but I'm tired and I want the next part
to be really, really, really good! It'll be worth it, you'll see!
Stick with me, K?

Review me, please! I'm so needy! :)
Go to Part 18: Dancing with Shinigami

==========================================

Shinigami's Lover Arc 1: Part 18
Part 18: Dancing with Shinigami
by Kracken (signs@screaminet.com)

Disclaimer: I don't own them, I just like to torture them.
Warnings: Major angst. Male/Males having sex. Language. Violence.

It has a happy ending, but is it the end? I dunno. You tell me. Some
people have emailed me and told me they are TIRED of my poor Duo and
Heero. Are you tired? Do you want more? Review me and let me know. I
can always torture Quatre and Trowa for awhile, or maybe even Wu Fei
and-and, hm. I'll have to think about that one.

==========================================

"Acceptable?" Heero asked.

Duo searched the small room, with a street rat's eye, for escape
routes.

"Window," Heero pointed out and motioned to the small pane of glass
near the ceiling that let in a milky light. "Not too small. You're
frame is thin enough to fit." He touched the lock on the door.
"Strong lock. Solid door."

Duo nodded and grinned at Heero. "More than I'm used to, believe me!
I'll take it." Duo slung a duffel bag onto the cot under the window.
He turned and Heero quickly moved out of his way to allow him to
enter the rest of the basement. It was set up as a gym, exercise
equipment sitting among the piled refuse of the previous occupants of
the safe house. A boiler kept the place warm.

"Like it?" Quatre stood up from his seat on a set of weights, his
gold curls glowing in the light of a bare light bulb hanging from the
ceiling. He stuck hands in his pockets and smiled engaging at Duo,
blue eyes warm. "Once you get used to us, we can make other
arrangements, but I thought this storage room would do nicely until
then."

Duo grinned back. "It's great! As long as this old house doesn't
fall into the basement, I can see myself staying awhile."

Quatre grimaced good naturedly. "We don't get much choice, I'm
afraid, of hideouts. It has to be an accessible location to our
targets, and out of the way of Oz patrols, while being large enough
for our needs."

Without dropping his grin, Duo asked. "So, did you kill the people
who owned it before you guys? Somebody might miss them and ask
questions."

Quatre blanched, "No, Duo, I would never allow that. These places
are usually abandoned or, sometimes, given to us by citizens who
understand our cause."

Duo blinked. "Are you sure you're a pilot?" he looked at Heero and
laughed grimly. "Dr. G didn't make compassion part of my training.
What about you, Heero?"

Quatre was blushing and getting angry, but then, he took a deep
breath and calmed himself. "Surely you don't mean that? You're
fighting, after all, to save the colonies and the people on Earth
from Oz."

Duo's amethyst eyes went flat, even though his smile never faltered.
"I do it for revenge, Sunshine. My nickname is Shinigami. Do you know
what that means?"

"Death," Quatre replied quietly, feeling his heart twinging.

Duo nodded. "Dr. G gave me my Gundam and my scythe. With them I will
do whatever it takes to destroy Oz. I am my nickname. Never forget
that."

"I won't," Quatre replied nervously and blinked at Heero, confused
and feeling the same dejavu feeling that Heero had experienced on
Howard's ship. This was the old Duo, the hard edge pilot with the
jester's mask from when they had first met.

Duo walked to the center of the room and surveyed the equipment.
"Nice," he said, slipping back into his happy go lucky personality.
"I need to get back into shape. Howard's ship kept making me sea
sick. I couldn't take advantage of the gym there often enough."

"You should eat first," Quatre suggested.

Duo fiddled with his pockets and shrugged. "No money, man. Guess
I'll have to nip outta here and steal something."

He meant it. Quatre was quick to reassure him. "Don't worry about
that, Duo. We have plenty of food. You're part of our team now. If
you'll come to the kitchen, I'll fix you something."

Duo blinked. "What? What do you mean, 'fix me something?' "

"We take turns cooking,' Quatre explained. "And doing the work
around the safe house. It's my day to cook."

"Oh, uh," Duo put hands behind his head and stretched as he grinned
in embarrassment. "That sounds great but..."

"You don't know how to cook?" Quatre guessed.

It was worse and Duo struggled before finally saying, "Or anything
else. I've never been in an actual house. I was in an orphanage once,
but the nuns did the work and handed out ration packs for meals.
There was nothing to cook with. They were pretty poor."

"Oh," Quatre's heart ached now. "Don't worry about it." He smiled
warmly and Duo smiled back, unable to help himself. "I actually do
most of the cooking and Wu Fei does most of the cleaning. The other
pilots aren't very experienced with such things either."

"Unpack your things-," Heero began, but Duo arched an eyebrow and
interrupted him.

"I never unpack," Duo replied. "I never know when things will get
hot and I have to run for it."

Heero nodded, understanding that way of thinking. Duo kept things,
kept mementos. Heero only had his clothes and his laptop. One, he had
a spare of, and the rest, could always be replaced. Still, Heero eyed
the duffel bag. Duo had left all of his things behind when he had run
from the last safe house. Quatre had packed them when they had moved
and Heero now had them in his room. He didn't think that Duo had
picked up more mementos in his short time away from them. Instead,
Heero imagined that the duffel contained explosives, bullets,
clothing, and some necessary tools a Gundam pilot needed to keep on
hand. That duffel bag, he thought warily, could be dangerous.

"All right then," Quatre broke in cheerily, "Let's go upstairs,
then, shall we?"

"Sure thing!" Duo agreed, but he didn't follow Quatre to the stairs.
He waited for Heero to move first so that he could walk behind. He
didn't trust them. Heero had expected that, expected worse to come.

They walked through the house to the dinning room. There was an old
couch, a few rickety chairs, and a scratched and warped dining room
table that looked as if it had caught the worst from some leak in the
ceiling. The plaster on the walls was cracking and falling off. Bare
wires and plumbing was exposed at several points. A few holes
attested to some violent episode experienced by the previous
occupants. Still, Duo walked and looked about him, genuinely amazed
and pleased.

"Nice," he said, and meant it. "Are you guys staying here long?"

The answer was obvious, but the question was born of some inner
longing. Quatre gently answered, "No, sorry. They'll pinpoint our
location eventually just by the pattern of our strikes. We have to
keep moving."

"Yeah, I understand," Duo replied quietly, sounding a little
embarrassed.

"You can relax while I cook," Quatre said. "We have a television and
a radio. I shouldn't be very long."

"Great, thanks, man!" Duo beamed and sat stiffly on the couch.

Heero snagged a chair and sat astride it with his arms resting on
the back as he faced Duo. It was a god position, he thought, Duo
could see that he was hampered by the chair and couldn't threaten him
suddenly.

Duo looked about, trying to appear casual, but the animal look of
wariness was in his eyes. "Where's the other guys?"

"Out," Heero replied simply.

"Out," Duo echoed and then stared at Heero for a very long minute.
"So," he said, trying to break the silence. "I guess I like things,
so far."

"Good," Heero replied.

"I haven't made up my mind about staying though," Duo added, "I
still have to scope out the other guys."

"Expected," Heero replied.

Duo stared at him again, looking uncomfortable. "Have you guys made
many hits on Oz?"

"Yes."

Duo blinked. "Taken out any major bases?"

"Yes."

Duo frowned. "Engine ratio of a Mobile Doll?"

Heero rattled it off easily.

Duo sighed and suddenly relaxed. He smiled engagingly at Heero as if
Heero's bland, uninteresting conversation was just what he needed to
calm his nerves. "Great."

The smell of cooking filled the air. Duo sniffed appreciatively.

"Griddle cakes," Heero informed him.

Duo raised an eyebrow. "What are those?"

"Flat cakes grilled in butter and usually served with the sugar
based sap of a tree."

"Huh?" Duo wrinkled his nose in distaste. "I don't think I'm gonna
like this. Don't you have any regular stuff, like toast and coffee?"

"Yes." Heero shifted in his chair, but then settled, deciding not to
tell Quatre to stop cooking. "You will like them," he insisted.

"How do you know?" Duo wondered, puzzled.

"You know the answer to that," Heero replied simply.

Duo frowned, but then grinned and shrugged. "You're a mysterious
guy, Heero, and kind of weird, but... I dunno, I like you for some
reason." He chuckled darkly. "Not that that's a good thing where
Shinigami is concerned."

"Why not?" Heero wondered, knowing, but asking anyway as he
attempted to tease memory out of Duo.

Duo smiled self deprecatingly. "Everyone I get close to dies, Hee-
man. Just a fact of life for me. Nobody is friends with Shinigami for
long. It's probably best if you just stay clear...." He looked
suddenly depressed. "Maybe this was all a bad idea anyway. Maybe I
should just go before I get all of you killed too."

"No," Heero replied. "We need you. We need Deathscythe. Death is
always at our right hand. We might as well have it in our company as
well."

"You a poet or something, Hee- man?" Duo wondered acidly. "You don't
seem the type."

Quatre spared Heero from replying. He came out of the kitchen with a
platter of griddle cakes balanced in one hand and a bottle of syrup
in the other. He laid them out and then disappeared again. Returning,
he put down juice and milk, plates and silverware. He smiled at Heero
and Duo.

"Come and get it, gentlemen!"

Duo followed Heero to the table and took a seat. Quatre stacked the
griddle cakes onto his plate. Duo stared at them distrustfully.

Quatre exchanged glances with Heero and then came forward to pour
syrup on them.

"Okay, Duo?" Quatre asked.

"Uh, yeah, I guess." Duo picked up a fork, played with it nervously
for a moment, and then took a bite of food. His face transformed from
nervous, wary, animal to stunned joy. He smacked his lips and grinned
genuinely from ear to ear. "This is fantastic!"

Quatre smiled back, but it was sad. "Glad you like them."

Duo began to busily eat, but he looked over a mouthful at the juice
and milk. He was shy to ask, but his caffeine habit was needy.
"Can I... Is there a way that I can get some coffee, Q-man?"

"Of course, Duo, after you drink your juice and milk," Quatre
replied as he began walking back into the kitchen. "You need fat and
vitamins right now, not a drink that's little better than a diuretic
and a nerve toxin."

"You're going into the kitchen to get a cup of tea for yourself,
aren't you?" Duo replied sourly. "I can smell it from here."

Quatre looked back and smiled. "I already ate, Duo Maxwell. I can
afford to drink tea."

"Huh!" Duo grunted around another mouthful of foods.

It took a few minutes before Duo stopped being so absorbed by his
food and then he suddenly noticed that Heero was sitting opposite him
and staring. Duo paused, chewed, swallowed, and then observed,
"Quatre cooks, cleans, and nags. He'll make a guy a good wife
someday."

"He isn't a woman," Heero replied seriously.

Duo snorted. "Not much for sarcasm or jokes, are you, Heero?"

"No."

"Honest, though," Duo chuckled. "I like that."

"Good."

Duo raised eyebrows. "Good?" There was a glint in his amethyst eyes.
Danger. Warning. Wariness. "Why, good?"

Heero remained silent, waiting for Duo to come to his own
conclusion. Duo quirked a smile again.

"Are you trying to be friends with me, Heero?" Duo wondered. "If you
are, you must like to dance with Death, man."

"I do," Heero replied.

Duo looked down at his plate and his face colored slightly. He ate
quietly for a few minutes more and then looked up at Heero again,
uncomfortably. "Aren't you going to eat?"

"No."

"Why not?"

"Sugar is not an efficient source of energy and griddle cakes, while
high in carbohydrates and some vitamins-"

"Try them," Duo prompted. Heero stared. Duo pointed at the plate
full of them and said very firmly, as if something violent might
happen if Heero refused, "Try them, now."

Heero conceded, his mouth twitching slightly. He fished a cake onto
a plate. Duo snagged the syrup and poured some on. Heero pulled the
plate back to himself and settled in his chair. He took one mouth
full. The sugary syrup was thick and unpleasant. The cakes were
lacking in anything but butter flavor.

"You don't like them. Why not?" Duo asked, amazed.

"A blow to the head caused partial damage to my sense of taste,"
Heero explained. "I am not able to appreciate sweet flavors very
well."

Duo looked sympathetic. "You are in Hell, Hee-man. Not able to taste
sugar? It's one of the best things in life!"

"No, not the best thing," Heero replied quietly and shoved his plate
aside.

Duo was intrigued. He finished his food on his plate, but reached
for more from the platter. Heero carefully counted the griddle cakes
on the plate and was pleased that Quatre had already figured out
Duo's capacity for such things. There wasn't enough on the table to
make him sick.

"What is the best thing in life to Heero Yuy?" Duo wondered.

"You know what that is already," Heero replied.

Duo put down his fork. He guzzled his glass of milk and left his
juice untouched as he stood up. "Thanks for the food, Q-man!" he
called to the kitchen. He looked at Heero. "I'm going to get some
exercise, work out the kinks, tone up, and try and figure out what
the hell you're talking about!"

Duo took off towards the basement, braid swinging jauntily behind
him. Heero looked after him, feeling swirling emotions; desire, love,
and concern foremost.

"I thought the griddle cakes would jog his memory for sure," Quatre
said from the door of the kitchen. "He loves them so much... but I
could tell he couldn't remember ever eating them, though."

"Make his coffee, " Heero ordered as he stood up. "He needs to be
calm and not suffering from caffeine withdrawal when the others come
back."

"Yes," Quatre agreed and then very serious, "Heero, the senses make
our most powerful memories, yet even those memories seem lost to him.
I think the damage to Duo may be permanent."

Heero frowned. "When he see Trowa again..."

"It may make it worse," Quatre interrupted. "He may withdraw even
further. The time for shock and remembrance should have been when he
saw you on Howard's ship, Heero. You know that."

Heero nodded. He didn't lie to himself or others. He faced facts
without mercy. "I will accept Duo no matter what his mental state,"
he informed Quatre. "Our relationship doesn't have to be physical. He
is the one who insisted on that."

Quatre frowned. "Heero?" he spoke carefully, hardly believing his
own train of thought. "Are you saying that you aren't a homosexual?"

Heero grimaced. "I don't have a preference. Sex is like sugar to me.
I was cured of the taste early on. I can enjoy it, but it doesn't
have the same flavor to me as it does to other people. I can do
without it."

Quatre's face went sad, but he was nodding. "I suppose that makes
you and Duo perfect for each other. You can wait... forever if need
be."

Heero ended the painful conversation by simply walking away and
climbing the old stairs up to his room, fighting memories of the
past, of his training, of the many hands that had held him down and
taught him that sex could be a weapon against him. It wasn't the sex
he wanted from Duo, though Duo had taught him to enjoy it and to find
a hot passion when they engaged in it. Heero needed something else
from Duo. He needed closeness, a gentle touch, a soft laugh, a
smiling, loving face, and a warm body sleeping with his in the
darkness of the night. Heero needed the other half of his soul, Duo
Maxwell, always by him. It was that he would fight for, that he had
to have. He wouldn't rest or admit defeat until Duo remembered
himself, remembered their love, and gave him all of those things
again.

Heero sat on his bed and pulled out the box holding Duo's things. He
sorted through it, curious, hoping for some memento that would help
him in his fight to win Duo back to him.

Comic books. Music cds. A few dog eared notebooks with scribbled
maintenance notes and a few doodles. Heero recognized a small
rendering of Deathscythe and then felt a flush as he recognized a bad
likeness of himself being blown up and a scrawl underneath that said,
Fuck you. Heero noted the dates of the notes around the drawing and
his perfect memory went back and remembered a day when he had caught
Duo playing basketball instead of finishing his maintenance schedule.
He had made Duo finish it, pulling an all nighter. It seemed so long
ago. Duo had been very angry.

Heero turned some more pages. There was nothing else to see.

Heero couldn't shake the ache that the drawing had left in his
chest. He didn't want Duo to forget the past. He didn't want even
Duo's angry moments and childishness to be forgotten. All of it had
made Duo trust him, love him, and it had helped make him strong,
strong enough to overcome his fears and shortcomings and to be the
young man that Heero loved and respected.

A ragged envelope. Heero pulled it out from under the other things
and opened it. Inside were sheaves of different colored paper. Heero
emptied them out onto the bed and was amazed.

There was a picture of a house cut out from some magazine. It was a
white, wooden house, two story, not unlike the safe houses that
Quatre preferred. It had a wide porch with potted plants hanging from
the eaves and hedges of boxwood. Two old oak trees shaded the front
lawn. In neat handwriting along the border it read, 'Duo's house.'
Several other pictures showed interiors of comfortable furniture,
hand woven rugs, and a crackling fireplace. It read, 'Duo's
furniture'. The last picture was of a slobbering German Shepherd. It
read, of course, 'Duo's dog'.

Dreams of peace, Heero thought. He had them too, sometimes, but he
had never thought to actually plan it. Something inside of him
couldn't be so optimistic as to believe that he was going to survive
the war.

Heero put the pictures away and he lowered the box to the floor.
Later, he would make an occasion to show the contents to Duo. Perhaps
seeing those pictures would jog his memory.

Heero had to see Duo again. The others would be returning shortly
and he didn't want Duo to face them alone. He was still worried that
the sight of Trowa would trigger another mental trauma in Duo,
perhaps even make his condition worse. Their meeting had to be
handled carefully.

Making his way down into the gym, Heero met Quatre coming up the
stairs with a tray. "I gave him coffee," the blonde Arabian said and
then, blue eyes worried, "He said, after I gave it to him and he took
a sip, 'You always forget the sugar, Quat.' A memory, Heero, but it
pained him. He rubbed at his forehead and frowned. He didn't say
anything else and I was afraid to pursue it."

Heero nodded. He started to move past Quatre, but Quatre made him
pause.

"What will we do if he- if he breaks, Heero?" Quatre wondered sadly.
"What happens if he mentally collapses completely?"

Heero's face was as flat and as hard as granite. "I will take care
of it," he replied. "If he can't fight Oz, if he can't function, it
will be my responsibility, do you understand?"

Quatre blanched. "But... I could arrange for an institution to take
him in-"

"No," Heero ground out, shoving aside Quatre's gentleness roughly.
"If Oz were to gain access to him, if some doctor we're to prey on
his mental instability to force Duo to tell them our secrets, it
would be disastrous for our cause. You know what must be done. You're
a Gundam pilot, Quatre. Even you kill when you must."

Quatre swallowed hard and his eyes welled up with unshed tears. He
ducked his head and looked away from Heero as he hurried up the
stairs. Heero composed himself, not willing to admit to himself that
Quatre's words had made him all too aware of his ultimate
responsibility where Duo was concerned. Emotions boiled in his gut
like acid, emotions he couldn't afford to let affect him.

In the gym, Duo was bare to the waist, sweat beading his skin. He
was working on his shoulders and arms, seated in a machine with
pulleys and weights, huffing and puffing as he gathered the energy
and pushed himself to keep lifting over and over again. Heero stood
and watched for a few moments and then, realizing that this would
disturb Duo if he discovered it, he made a definite noise in the door
way and entered, walking wide of Duo.

"Going to work out?" Duo asked with a smile, but with a wary look
too. He reached for his shirt and put it on defensively.

Heero seated himself on an opposite machine, keeping his body
language relaxed. It was difficult. He was too used to being poised
and ready to spring into action. It was almost painful, mentally, to
put himself off balance and lean back against the bulk of the weight
machine behind him. "I need to brief you."

"Already?" Duo seemed disappointed. "I thought I might get a few
days to settle in and get to know the other guys. I guess there isn't
any rest for soldiers, eh?"

"No," Heero replied. "But I wasn't speaking of a mission briefing. I
need to familiarize you with our procedures here."

Duo nodded. "K, Hee-man. Shoot."

Heero blinked and felt a chill.

Duo frowned and then grinned very wide. "I meant, go ahead and tell
me. You are such a literal guy, Heero!"

"To be efficient and effective, a soldier must always deal in facts
and clear and unambiguous speech, " Heero replied as if he were
reading from a textbook. He was, in a way, reading from his perfect
memory the lesson he had been taught during training. After he had
said it though, he felt a sudden twinge of inadequacy. Duo didn't
need to talk to a textbook. He needed sympathy, understanding, and a
friend. It was clear in every line of Duo's expression that he was
hoping for that, but didn't expect it, especially from Heero.

Heero spoke concisely, listing the maintenance schedules, the shift
rotations when it came to upkeep of the makeshift hangers and the
safe house, and the defensive and communications capability of the
house.

"We have a partial shield," Heero told Duo. "It will deflect a
direct strike, but not hold in a concentrated attack against us. A
bigger defense would draw attention."

"So, if we're hit, run like hell for the Gundams and every guy for
himself, right?" Duo chuckled darkly.

"Yes."

"How likely is an attack?" Duo wondered.

"It has happened three times," Heero replied. "In every case, a
Gundam was traced returning to the area and our position was
pinpointed by a process of vectoring our attacks and elimination."

"They guessed?" Duo clarified.

Heero paused, thought it over, and then decided the description was
accurate. "Yes, they guessed."

"Huh, well, danger is nothing new to Shinigami," Duo sighed and
stood up, letting the weights drop back into their supports with a
loud clank. He stretched sore muscles and pushed sweaty bangs out of
his eyes. Heero could smell his scent drifting across the space
between them. It made his body tighten and grow warm.

"I need a shower," Duo announced as he picked at his sweat soaked
shirt in distaste.

"Up the stairs and to the right," Heero told him. "We have to share
the facilities."

"Lock on the door?" Duo asked quickly. "I like my privacy."

"Yes, there is a good lock," Heero replied.

Duo was relieved. "Well, I'll get a change of clothes and take
advantage of it, I guess." He stood, went into his new room, and
gathered his things. When he returned and began springing up the
stairs, he called back, "Later, Baby!"

Heero felt his heart constrict. That pet name, that Heero had used
to hate so much, had rolled off of Duo's tongue unconsciously. It was
like hearing the sweetest music. Heero found a small smile as he
stood up to go.

A glitter caught Heero's eye and he paused. Duo's gold cross dangled
from the machine he had been using. He had taken it off to exercise
and had forgotten it. Heero made a mental note of it in case Duo
forgot that he had placed it there. It was Duo's most important
memento from the past beside his long braid and it gave an indication
of his confused state of mind that he had left it behind.

That cross reminded Heero of Duo's pack. He told himself that he
only wanted to see if the young man was packing explosives. It was
important that he know it in case of emergencies, but the real reason
was more personal. Heero wanted to know if Duo had taken anything
from the last safe house other than Heero's laptop. What had been
important to him at the time, and , for that matter, what was
important to him now? Heero needed that insight, he felt, if he was
going to know how to proceed.

Heero went into Duo's room, and , without guilt or hesitation, he
opened the pack and sorted through the contents. Detonators for
certain. Heero carefully put them aside. Remotes. Small radio.
Wiring. Assorted tools. An extra gun and bullets. A brush. Several
changes of clothes. A magazine with bodybuilders in it. The last
thing Heero pulled out was a small envelope. Inside was an almost
exact copy of the papers that Heero had found upstairs. Whitewashed,
wooden house, the same types of furnishings, and the same dog. Even
in his madness, Duo still had his dream.

"Get a good look see?" Duo's voice said from the doorway.

Heero turned around. Duo was smiling, obviously irritated, but,
surprisingly, not overly angry. Heero almost lied, but the lie stuck
in his throat and he said simply, "I wanted to determine your status."

"I did the same thing just now," Duo admitted. He had taken a very
short shower. His hair was dry. He had used the extra time that he
knew Heero had expected him to take to do some snooping of his own.
"That Quatre likes pink a lot, doesn't he? He's sleeping with another
guy too and that guy seems to like the circus. The other guy likes
martial arts and swords and he's a very lonely man. He has a stack of
girly magazines a mile high. You...," Duo grimaced and then shook his
head. "You don't have anything in your room. It's like nobody lives
there. Don't you do ANYTHING besides fight the war, Heero?"

He hadn't seen the box under the bed then. Heero almost wished he
had. He wondered if Duo would have thought the box Heero's or
remembered it for his own. He let it go. There was still time for
that. "I have very little personal time," Heero replied.

"You have to live a little, man!" Duo exclaimed and then, with mock
seriousness, "I'm going to make it my mission to force you to laugh
and have a little fun!"

"Why?" Heero wondered.

That caught Duo off guard. He had only been joking. "Uh, well,
nobody likes a stick in the mud, Heero, and I don't want to be around
your sour puss all day and night if I'm going to fight beside you."

"Acceptable," Heero agreed and Duo stared. Before he could reply,
Quatre called from the other room.

"Hey, guys! Trowa and Wu Fei just radioed me and told me that
they're almost home."

Duo began to walk back into the gym as Quatre left the stairs and
walked towards him. "Home? Do you consider this your home, Q-man?"

Quatre smiled and began to reply, but the house jolted and an
explosion made the air tremble. Dust and plaster flew. The beams
holding the house above the basement creaked and cracked. The pilots
staggered in shock.

"Get out of the center!" Duo shouted and grabbed Quatre by the
collar. Duo had been in enough old buildings to know what collapsed
first. It was usually the center of every room. He began to drag a
stunned Quatre towards the stairs, shouting over his shoulder, "Come
on, Heero!" but the house jolted again and they fell to their knees
as the stairs was suddenly blocked by a falling upper story.

"Window!" Heero shouted.

"Agreed!" Duo shouted back. "Come on, Quatre!" He still hadn't let
go of the blonde Arabian, the young man's smaller stature making Duo
instinctively protective.

Quatre fought free and raced into the store room to open the window
as dust and debris poured into the gym area and choked them. He began
to stand aside, but Duo grabbed him by the elbow and forced him up
onto the cot. "You first!" Quatre began to argue, but Duo shoved him
hard. "Get your scrawny butt through that window, now!"

Heero smelled smoke. The house was on fire. "Now!" he echoed and
almost stuffed Quatre through the window. "You next," Heero ordered
Duo.

"So much for every man for himself, eh, Heero?" Duo laughed as he
began squeezing his larger frame through. "Guess we're better people
than that."

"Little Baka!" Heero growled. "Shut up and get through!"

The beams began to snap. "Hurry!" Duo shouted as he made it through
and turned to reach a hand down to help Heero. Duo's shirt had come
undone, buttons having popped off as he had scraped through over the
windowsill. Heero saw a creamy expanse of chest... he suddenly knew
what was missing.

Heero turned and ran back into gym area as beams began to fall.

"What the fuck!?" Duo shouted, and then screamed. "Heero! You dumb
shit! Get back here! You're gonna die! Nothing's that important!"

Flames licked from the ceiling and black smoke suddenly replaced the
white dust as Heero dodged falling objects, ducking and jumping
around obstacles until he reached the weight machine. Snagging Duo's
cross, Heero wrapped it tightly in his hand as he raced back towards
the storeroom.

The ceiling gave with a tremendous snapping and crashing of beams.
Heero felt some of it hit his shoulder and back as he went through
the door. It sent him stumbling, pain erupting and quickly throttled
as he jumped up onto the cot and reached for Duo's frantic hands.

Heero was the largest. The opening was very narrow. He forced
himself through with Duo's and Quatre's help, leaving skin and blood
behind on the sill. Out on the dilapidated lawn of the safe house,
they pulled each other to their feet and ran together, smoke
obscuring everything and hopefully giving them cover from who ever
was attacking.

Quatre ran full length into the leg of a Gundam. He bounced back and
sprawled, looking up in alarm. He shouted in delight when he
recognized the underside of Heavyarms. "Trowa's saved us!"

"He's probably the one who led them here!" Duo growled angrily.

The sound of metal being destroyed came to their ears and Nataku
came striding through the smoke to join Heavyarms.

"Wu Fei! Both of them are here!" Quatre crowed in delight.

"Great!" Duo snarled as he began running. "Let's have a homecoming
party after we escape!"

Heero and Quatre followed him and they let Wu Fei and Trowa cover
them as they entered the camouflaged hanger and scrambled into their
Gundams. The fight was theirs after that and they routed Oz
decisively. They split up for safety. Quatre went into the desert. Wu
Fei and Trowa went into the mountains. Heero and Duo hid in the deep
forest.

Heero was bleeding from a large slice on his back, pieces of wood
sticking out of his skin. He released his Gundam's hatch and breathed
chill, fresh air as he methodically began pulling those pieces out.

"Want to tell me what was so important back there?" Duo demanded as
he climbed into Wing's cockpit. He grunted when he found himself
facing Heero's gun barrel. Heero grunted back, lowered the gun, and
went back to pulling slivers.

"Set up perimeter alarms," Heero ordered.

Duo didn't move. He winced every time that Heero removed a long,
bloody piece of wood. "What is your story, man?" Duo finally asked.
"Are you just going to send me off while you sit there and bleed to
death trying to reach a wound on your back?"


Heero paused, considered, and then replied. "I will need your
assistance."

Duo blinked. "Well, at least you admit it."

"Perimeter alarms first," Heero insisted.

Duo started in disbelief and then he let out an exasperated breath
as he angrily began to turn away. "Suite yourself! I'm not going to
beg to save your life!" He clutched his ragged shirt together against
the chill. His hands slid across his chest to hold the material
tight. Fumbling fingers noticed a lack of gold cross and chain.
"Shit!"

Heero closed a hand on Duo's wrist that was as strong as iron.
Before Duo could panic, before he could fight, before he could flee
back to a burned down, Oz occupied safe house, Heero held up his
other hand and opened it, letting the gold cross he held there
glitter and dangle on its chain.

Duo reached out and touched it, slowly closed his hand on it, and
then became very still, his face a study in confusion. "You-You
risked your life to get this for me? Why?"

Heero replied calmly, "You know why."

Heero had hoped to delay the revelation until alarms had been set
and camp made. He hadn't wanted to confront such an unknown situation
when they were still not completely safe. Now he had to do the worst
possible thing, hold onto Duo and keep him from panicking and
betraying their position. He could see the emotions rising in Duo's
amethyst eyes, the cross a trigger to memory. It was all flooding
back to him and Heero could see the scream of shock rising in his
throat.

Heero closed the hatch and locked it with his code.

"You must remember," Heero replied calmly. "You must remember that I
didn't do the thing that Trowa said. You must remember that I love
you and that I would never hurt you, Duo. We made love. You initiated
it. You insisted on it. Remember."

Duo snatched his cross from Heero, broke from his grip, and drew a
knife, eyes going wild. "Open the hatch, Heero."

"I can't do that," Heero replied. "Not until you remember."

"Remember what?" Duo demanded. He backed up to the hull of the
Gundam and pressed himself there. He swallowed hard, memories coming
to him in painful jumps and fits. "Remember that you hurt me?
Remember... Trowa said... I remember saying no! I remember that! He
said you raped me! I said no!"

"Yes, you did," Heero sighed and ran hands over his face as he
hunched forward in the seat of his Gundam. "You initiated sex. You
insisted on it. You told me it was okay."

"I said, no!" Duo choked back and tears streaked his cheeks. He
wiped at them angrily. "I trusted you."

"I didn't betray that trust," Heero insisted.

"I don't know that!" Duo gripped at his head and whined like a dog
in pain.

Was it too much for him, Heero wondered, was Duo about to snap? His
hand wandered to his side, fingering the butt of his gun in its
holster under his shirt. One bullet for Duo, he thought grimly, and
the next for him. He wouldn't live without his Shinigami.

"It hurts!" Duo complained.

"It will stop hurting when you let yourself remember," Heero
promised. "Trust me."

"Why should I trust you!" Duo shouted furiously. "Why, Heero? You
tell me that! What have you ever done that I should trust you?!"

"I've loved you," Heero replied quietly. "Only you. Always you.
Forever you." Heero lifted up his green tank top and showed Duo his
expanse of hard muscled torso. "Here, you knifed me the second time
we made love. Here, you cracked a rib when I rolled into you in my
sleep and made you panic." He let the tank top drop and he fingered a
scar under his jaw. "Here, you sliced me when you were having a
nightmare and I tried to wake you. There are many more. All are
training scars, little baka, all lessons that I learned. I know your
every mood, your every fear. I did not fail in my training that day.
I did not do anything that you did not ask me for. I know how to
dance with Shinigami."

Duo stared, a shiver running over his slim body again and again. "It
was better," he said finally, "when I didn't know you. It was better
before we ever started this relationship. Things weren't perfect, but
I had made a life for myself that I could handle and be happy about."

Heero nodded, understanding. "That's why you went back to that time
in your mind, to escape the stress and the hurt?"

"Yes," Duo replied.

"You were lying to yourself," Heero said bluntly. "You're lying to
yourself now."

Duo glared and wiped at tears again. "Open the hatch, Heero. I- I
don't want to hear any more."

Heero continued unmercifully. "You weren't happy. You just pretended
to be. You were lonely and bleeding deep down inside... bleeding to
death slowly, but most certainly. I know.... I know because I was the
same way. We were both dying. When we found each other, we learned
how to live again and how to love. Don't forget that Duo. Don't run
away to a past that is just a dream. A past that doesn't include me.
I will not live without you."

Duo looked in agony now, hand clenching on his knife until his
knuckles were bone white and face locked in a grimace of anguish and
pain.

"Trust me," Heero repeated again.

They met eyes. Heero's eyes were steady and firm. Duo's eyes were
wet and full of fear and pain. Duo searched his face, yet didn't
really see him. His mind was piecing together the past, trying to
deal with a part of his mind that wanted to live in the past and
another part that didn't, that wanted to love Heero.

Duo relaxed suddenly. He smiled gently. "I... It's all right, Heero.
I do trust you. I do understand." He stepped forward and reached out
a hand. Very gently, Heero took hold of it and they began to close
the gap between them, Duo looking happy, a smile breaking across his
face. It was the mask, Heero realized, not fooled, not fooled by any
of it. He let Duo come, let him step inside his defenses, let him
thrust his knife towards his heart.

The tip of the blade cut skin and then paused, Duo's smile dropping
and his eyes narrowing fiercely. "You're going to let me do it,
aren't you?" He hissed.

"Yes," Heero replied.

A trickle of blood began soaking Heero's shirt, joining with the
blood from his shoulder. The knife, with infinite slowness, retreated.

Duo stared deep into Heero's eyes and then he carefully let himself
down to rest against Heero's chest. Heero didn't hold him. He sat
still, leaning back into the cushion of the chair, arms limp at his
sides.

Duo was in control. He felt it. He needed it. He let memory wash
over him and he twitched and trembled under its force. At last, he
sighed and let his weight rest fully on Heero. Only then did Heero
lightly hold him.

"I'm a coward," Duo whispered. "How can you love me?"

"You dealt with a situation in the only way you knew how," Heero
replied. "You didn't hurt anyone. You didn't act irresponsibly. You
didn't jeopardize the war or any of your missions."

"One day, I won't stop, Heero," Duo replied bitterly. "I will lose
it and I will sink my knife into your heart. You are dancing with
Shinigami and Shinigami is going to finish the dance some day. We
should stop this now. Go back to being friends. Go back to Braided
Baka and Perfect Soldier before I do something terrible. You want me
to trust you, but it's me you'll never be able to trust."

Heero didn't reply. He kept still and Duo, exhausted physically and
emotionally, fell into a light doze, breathing softly. Heero's mind
protested. The wound on his back needed tending or it would hamper
efficiency. Perimeter alarms had to be set. The others had to be
contacted. A new safe house had to be acquired. There were numerous
important things that needed to be done for their continued survival.

Heero opened his laptop with one hand and began to type. He logged
onto the net and began to search. He ignored the soldier and followed
his instincts and his heart.

"Nice."

Heero looked down at the top of Duo's head. Duo's face was turned to
the side and his chestnut bangs didn't obscure the fact that his eyes
were open and he was watching the computer screen.

Heero grunted and saved the image he had created. It was a complete
rendition of Duo's dream house, down to the dog, the furniture, and
the hanging plants on the porch. He manipulated the image, letting
Duo see it as if he were walking through it.

"You remembered everything," Duo commented after awhile and his
voice was heavy with emotion.

"Yes," Heero replied. "is this where you wish to live after the war?"

Duo was embarrassed. Heero could feel him growing warm with it.
"I've always dreamed of living in a real house, a house I never had
to leave, a place of my own... Since I can remember, I've always had
this image in my head and I've always tried to recreate it somehow.
Stupid, isn't it?"

"No," Heero replied.

Duo chuckled. It was raspy and rough as if he were holding back
sobs. "H-Have you ever dreamed about what you'll do after the war?"

"No," Heero replied again. "I never wanted to survive it. It's all I
was trained to do. I considered myself a weapon of war. Outside of
war, a weapon like that doesn't have any purpose."

Duo frowned and a tear slipped out and ran down and across his nose.
"I see. I guess... I thought... Is that why you're putting up with my
crazy shit? Because you won't be doing it for long? Because you
intend to kill yourself?"

Heero didn't reply. Duo sniffled and his hands slid around Heero's
waist. He nuzzled his cheek against Heero's heart, fear and memories
overcome by a breaking heart.

They lay quietly, Duo still staring at his dream house. It seemed
very empty, lacking in the magic it had always held for him. Without
Heero in his life, he could imagine himself haunting it like an empty
shell of himself, a ghost without a purpose, without a love to hold
him to life.

"Wait," Duo suddenly said, noting a discrepancy in the precise
rendition of his dreams. "The bed isn't right. I wanted a king size
with dark wood and a black, plexiglass headboard. That one has white
feather down comforters, a triple mattress, and a canopy with white
gauze."

Duo sat up and stared at Heero in surprise. Heero actually blushed
uncomfortably, his secret finally being forced to be revealed. "That-
That is the bed I want."

Duo blinked, frozen, hardly believing what he was hearing.
Cautiously, he replied. "Okay. I guess if you're going to be living
with me after the war, you should get to put some of your dreams in
the house too."

Heero nodded and relaxed. "With you, I have dreams at last," he
replied. "With you I have a new purpose."

"We both do," Duo said with a smile. He leaned in and kissed Heero
deeply, trusting him... trusting him with his dreams and his future.

*** Owari***

The end? Could be. We'll see.
Go to Part 19: Memories
==========================================

Shinigami's Lover Arc 1: Part 19
Part 19: Memories
by Kracken (signs@screaminet.com)

Disclaimer: Don't own them and I don't make any money off of this.
Warning: Major sex between two guys. Graphic. Lots and lots of lovin'

Thanks to everyone who bought my book! Interested? Check out my bio
for info. Support a poor artist today!
Kracken's book at Amazon.com

Merry Christmas! :)

==========================================

Duo stood at the front door of the house, stunned, a key gripped
tightly in one hand. Whitewashed wood. Broad porch. Hanging plant
baskets along the eaves. Two newly planted oak trees in the front
yard. It was the exact replica of his dream house. He almost expected
a German Sheppard to come running to greet him.

Duo felt tears sting his eyes. He bowed his head, staring down at
the key through a blur. He had found the key in a small, gold, foil
box in the seat of his Gundam. Red paper hearts and rose petals had
fallen out when he had opened the box along with a note, in exact
calligraphy, with detailed instructions to the house.

"Heero," Duo whispered lovingly and then he fit the key to the lock.

The inside of the house matched, exactly, Duo's dream interior.
Every stick of furniture, every woven carpet, even the mantel of the
fireplace, had been replicated with exacting detail. It was eerie,
Duo thought. He expected at any moment to wake up and find himself in
the middle of battle or huddled at the perimeter of an Oz base ready
to set his bombs. That was the cold reality of his life.

This... this didn't have any place in his life now.

"The people you love can be the cruelest," Duo whispered.

"Yes, they can," Heero agreed from behind him. Duo spun, hand going
automatically to his gun. The pilot of Wing was leaning against the
doorframe of the front door, familiar green tank top and spandex
hugging his muscular body closely as he left it and strode quietly
towards Duo. "But," he continued. "I didn't mean this as cruelty. I
meant it as hope. I want your dream to be a reality, waiting for you
to come claim it. The house is in your name, everything signed and
paid for."

Duo swallowed hard and tried to joke around his pain. "With what?
Did you melt down some Gundanium steel from Wing to hock for it?"

Heero frowned. "I am not without funds."

Duo raised eyebrows. "You're rich?"

Heero shrugged, but couldn't help a smirk. He didn't elaborate. He
didn't want Duo to know that he had raided the accounts of some of
his 'marks'. He didn't want that old blood to mar what was going to
be a fresh start.

Duo looked around him, mesmerized. Heero stood still and watched him
walk from room to room, go into the kitchen and go through cabinets,
trail hands across rich leather and fine upholstery and marvel at
Heero's exactitude. When he reached the bedroom, he stopped in the
doorway, eyes wide.

White down comforters, thee layer mattress, white gauze hangings on
long wooden spindles at each corner, it was a beautiful bed and
looked sinfully soft and opulent. Strewn across the soft coverlets
were dozen upon dozens of long stemmed, red roses.
Duo approached slowly. He stared and then quirked a smile at Heero
as Heero followed him. "That's going to make a prickly, dangerous
bed. You left the thorns on."

Heero managed a small smile. "Prickly and dangerous, yes, but with
patience and understanding of the problem..." Heero reached and
gathered up key edges of the top comforter. He yanked skillfully and
comforter and roses were pulled off of the bed to land neatly on the
floor. "All difficulties fall away."

Duo smiled warmly now. "And what shall we do, Heero Yuy, with that
nice dream bed of yours?"

Heero met Duo's amethyst eyes and smiled softly back. "Only want you
wish to do, or not do, Duo. That and nothing more."

Duo looked brittle for a moment and a little wild, but only for a
moment, and then he was unbuttoning his black shirt. He blushed. "I
think you can help me with this, Baby."

Heero was cautious. He watched Duo's face as he slowly came forward
and gently began undoing Duo's buttons. His fingers brushed flesh.
Duo's nipples were visibly hard even under the cloth. When Heero had
enough of the shirt open, he reached inside and took hold of both
nipples. Duo hissed and groaned as Heero manipulated them between
thumb and forefingers.

Duo pulled away as if contrary, but his hands were sliding Heero's
tank top up and over his head at the same time. He moved behind Heero
to feel safe, and pressed his body up against Heero's backside,
letting him feel his obvious erection. Heero leaned over slightly and
let Duo rub there enticingly as Duo's hands gripped his hips hard and
brought them back to meet the movements.

Heero thought that he understood. He slid down his spandex pants and
bent over even more. Duo thrust hard at the crack of his ass and then
nipped at his neck. Once again, he started skittishly away, purple
eyes looking sideways at Heero as he put the bed between them and
slipped out of his boots and tight pants. He wasn't wearing briefs.
His erection was hard, dark red with need, and dripping at the slit.

"Let's christen the bed, Heero," Duo suggested in a husky voice.

Heero slipped out of his own clothes, but still he waited, his own
erection clambering for attention, but held under tight control. Duo
stood and stared at him, either testing him or working up the
courage. Maybe both. After what seemed like an eternity, Duo climbed
up on the high bed and sank into luxury, sprawling out onto his back
and watching Heero still.

Like a stalking panther, Heero followed, creeping up after his love
and settling with at least a foot between them, poised, waiting,
needy, and expectant. Duo reached out and took hold of Heero's
erection. Heero winced as he purposefully squeezed too hard, making
the precum drip into his hands. He milked Heero again and again,
Heero wincing and groaning under the assault. With each swipe of the
clear fluid, Duo spread it over Heero's cock head, preparing him and
working up his courage at the same time. At last, he smiled wanly at
Heero and then lay back, lifting his knees.

"Is this what you want?" Heero asked cautiously.

"Yes," Duo breathed and lifted his knees higher, showing Heero his
tight entrance already growing pink with the heat of his aroused
blood. "Make love to me," Duo begged. "I want you to hold me, be
strong for me, and be inside me."

Heero felt his heart tremble along with his body. With infinite
care, watching Duo's face for any sign of capitulation, Heero
positioned himself over Duo. "It will-"

"I know it hurts, Heero," Duo said in a small voice and Heero cursed
himself. The last thing he had needed to do was stir up old memories.
"We don't exactly have a good lube," Duo continued, "but... I want
you, here, now, in this place. I'm not going to be afraid. When I
come here again, after the war, after the bloodshed. I want to
remember this."

"Why now? Why not then?" Heero wondered as he touched Duo's entrance
with the head of his slicked cock.

Duo was always truthful. He didn't pull punches now. "You may not be
with me. War is hell and chancy. You may die. I want to remember
this, just in case, and remember being with you. I want this house to
always have this happy memory, K?"

Heero nodded, once, and then kissed Duo deeply on the lips as he
slowly worked himself into Duo's tight heat. Duo whimpered into his
mouth, panted, but didn't struggle. He brought his hips up to meet
Heero, wanting the stinging, stretching pain over as quickly as
possible before it could make him panic.

"Shh," Heero murmured into Duo's ear. He felt Duo shiver beneath him
with the pain, the young pilot fighting the instinctive urge to pull
off of Heero and get rid of the large intruder in his most sensitive
place. "Shh," Heero said again and simply caressed Duo's face,
holding still, waiting for Duo to adjust and stretch fully.

"You have to move," Duo said at last in a small voice. "The nerves
won't stop hurting until you do."

Heero knew that, but he wasn't about to cause Duo more pain in the
process before Duo was ready for it. He asked Duo again,

"Are you sure that you want this?"

Duo reached up and pulled Heero down against him. "Yes."

Heero did move then, still watching his Lover's face, still alert
for any change in Duo's mood. He could be dangerous, his Shinigami,
more dangerous than any bed of thorns.

Slow, very slowly and carefully, Heero held his painful erection in
check, his body leashed, and his mind focused. Duo writhed, panted
again, and then reached a plateau where the pain stopped and the
pleasure began. His sighed and lifted his hips as Heero thrust
downwards, impaling Heero completely. It was all Heero could do not
to cum then and there.

"Love you," Duo breathed with misted purple eyes.

"Love you, "Heero echoed. "Aishite iru, Duo."

Heero quickened his rhythm, but kept it gentle. He never rested his
body wholly on Duo, too afraid of making him feel trapped.

Instead, he balanced on his powerful arms, body flexing as his cock
forced itself in and out of that silky flesh. He came quickly, afraid
of lingering too long and giving Duo time enough to sink into
memories and become alarmed. His hot seed filled his lover and he
groaned deep and loud as the orgasm wracked him.

Heero kissed Duo softly as he withdrew, but Duo was grinning
sensually and rising up off the bed onto his knees. His erection was
purple now and he was eager to take care of it.

"Kiss the pillow, Baby," Duo ordered and watched as Heero smirked
and did just that, hips raised enticingly in the air and manhood
flushed and full between his legs. Duo grabbed them in one hand,
fondled them, and then held them in one hand firmly as he rose up and
coated his erection with Heero's seed. He was in control. Heero
couldn't move, couldn't do anything that Duo was afraid of while he
held those two precious, most sensitive weights in his calloused hand.

Positioning his wet erection at Heero's entrance, he shoved in with
one long stroke. Heero groaned and hissed, but he liked it rough. He
shoved back to meet that pain, trusting himself in Duo's hand,
trusting that his lover would keep control and not truly hurt him.
Duo rode him, hard thrusts slapping into Heero's ass and making his
face bounce in the pillow. Heero gripped the comforter in both hands,
squeezing eyes shut and riding the intense pleasure/pain as his own
cock grew hard again.

Duo angled his thrust and Heero cried out as a sensitive spot was
rubbed and prodded inside of him. His cock jerked and oozed precum.
He rubbed it against the comforter, used that friction to cum just as
Duo slammed into him as deep as he could one last time and spurted
hot seed against Heero's throbbing prostate.

They collapsed together then and held each other loosely, smiling
gently into each other's eyes. Duo said, his voice full of wonder. "I
wasn't afraid, Heero."

"Then the memory will be good and perfect," Heero replied. "As it
should be."

***

Dressed and standing in the open front door, Duo fingered his key
and gave the house one last look. "Please, Heero," he said softly.
"Be with me when I come back. Share this with me."

"I will," Heero replied as they held each other close and went out
of the door. "Any way I can. Even if only in memory."

***Owari***

Duo: *Sniffle* that was so sweet!
Kracken: (Grins) yeah, wasn't it?
Heero: So, is that the real end?
Kracken: Just for a little while and then I'll add some more later.
I want to do a bastard Heero with a 2x6 series for now.
Heero: (Scowls) Bastard Heero?! I am not a bastard!
Duo: (smirks) 2x6 hm? I always wondered if blondes were more fun...
Heero: (Angry) I do not accept this mission.
Kracken: (Grinning and walking away with a happy Duo) Sorry, gotta
take the good with the bad when you're a borrowed anime character.

Go to Part 20: Redemption

==========================================

Shinigami's Lover Arc 1: Part 20
Part 20: Redemption
by Kracken (signs@screaminet.com)

Disclaimer: I don't own them and I don't make any money off of this.
Warnings: Violence. Language. Graphic. Torture. Angst. Guys having
sex with guys.

For all of my fans who went bonkers when I tried to end this....

==========================================

"Sorry," Quatre said for the thousandth time.

Duo, pacing back and forth across their small, metal cell, only gave
him a sharp, troubled look, and said nothing.

"What do you think-" Quatre began.

"I don't know!" Duo snapped back and then hissed, "I'm sorry,
Quatre, but you shouldn't talk. I'm sure they have the place bugged
and taped. That's why they stuck us together. They want us to get so
bored we'll say something. I guess they're squeamish about torturing
guys young enough to be their sons."

"Then there is still hope for Heero," Quatre said, brightening.

Duo frowned, but he couldn't let Quatre rest in soft denial. "I
said, 'I guess'. They might just be satisfied torturing him for now.
You know Heero. He'll keep his mouth shut no matter what. If that's
what they're doing, they'll come for us once they realize that he
won't tell them anything."

Quatre swallowed hard, but he said with determination. "They won't
get anything from me either."

Duo felt ill, looking at Quatre's innocent face, his gold curls like
sunshine in that dank, dimly lit place. He hated the thoughts that
gnawed at him, images of Oz soldiers taking advantage of that
sunshine and beauty. No matter what his determination, the boy had
lived a relatively sheltered and soft life. Duo knew that he wouldn't
last long.

"If only I had seen that bunker hole, none of this would have
happened," Quatre groaned. "You and Heero wouldn't have been captured
if you hadn't been trying to get me out. You should have left me."

"Yes, we should have," Duo agreed. It was the truth. He knew that he
would have left Heero, as much as he loved the man, and Heero would
have left him too, yet he understood why they had tried so
desperately to save Quatre. Quatre took care of them. He made sure
they had a home, no matter of what sort, a warm meal, a genuine
smile, clean clothes, and a feeling of normalcy in their chaotic
lives. Saving him had been saving all of that. Weakness, Heero had
grumbled, but he hadn't tried any less than Duo to pull Quatre out of
that bunker. In a like situation, both Heero and Duo, would have
understood, would have approved of being coldly abandoned for the
sake of the mission. They could take care of themselves and either
escape or bear with any amount of Oz interrogation. Quatre was a
different matter entirely.

"Please stop pacing, Duo," Quatre said after a time. "I'll sit over
here so you can relax." He moved to a far corner and slid down the
wall until he was sitting down. He shivered and wrapped arms around
himself. It was very cold in that cell.

Duo smiled and chuckled. "You're not what's making me nervous,
Quatre. This is a mission. I've been trained to stay focused." He
gave Quatre a warning look. "Don't talk about anything. Just prepare
yourself." He didn't need to say what for. Quatre knew. The blonde
Arabian nodded, his face going grim.

After several hours of quiet boredom, men entered their cell. Quatre
stood up, passive, knowing resistance was futile. Duo knew it too,
but he didn't care. He knew what was going to happen. He wanted his
payback before they made him too weak to claim it.

"Duo!" Quatre's voice shouted in shock as Duo plowed into the Oz
guards. His fists and feet struck out. Men fell and howled. Fists and
feet lashed back and Duo went down under their blows. When he lay,
half conscious, he felt a needle jab into his arm. That was it. The
men retreated, spitting and cursing at him, but not retaliating any
further.

Quatre cautiously approached Duo. Duo spat blood. It joined smears
of his and some Oz soldier blood on the floor. His nose was bleeding
and his bottom lip was split and swelling. One of his eyes was
rapidly closing and turning black, and his arm had been twisted so
far he had heard an ominous crack of joints and maybe bones. It
certainly hurt enough to be broken. Still, he had enough presence of
mind to say, sharply, "Don't!"

Quatre stopped and crouched a few feet away, eyes wide and
distressed. "They gave you a shot of some sort. How- Is it affecting
you?"

Duo nodded. The room was blurring and he felt a definite disconnect
between his mind and his body. "Better be careful," he warned Quatre.
"Don't come near me. I'm not sure... it's messing with my head. It
might effect my self control. I might hurt you accidentally."

A voice came over a hidden microphone. "This stops when you talk,"
it said simply. "Be smart and we won't have to bury you like your
Japanese friend."

Quatre and Duo ignored the voice. It was expected. Their torture and
interrogation had begun.

"Heero," Quatre whispered sadly and tears slipped down his cheeks.

"Don't!" Duo snarled. "Don't give them anything! They could be
lying!" His own heart was breaking. He curled up around his pain.

Heero had become his life, his reason for holding onto sanity and
trying to find a life outside of the war, outside of the pain of his
past. Without him... what was there? Another reason for revenge, he
thought grimly and gripped his braid and cross, his reminders of what
Oz had cost him. They reminded him that he had a reason for living.
The tormented souls of Maxwell Church, the children of L2 who had
been used and abused, and the citizens massacred on Earth and Outer
Space all deserved their revenge. Shinigami still had a job to do,
even though his heart as flying into a million pieces.

***

"Sit down."

Heero kept standing.

"Sit down."

A metal rod hit Heero in the back of the legs. He was forced to sit
by two burly men on either side of him. They manacled him to a metal
chair. Facing him was his tormentor, a whip thin, older man with a
permanent sneer caused by a scar that almost bisected his lips. His
black eyes, dark, cold chips in a pasty, white face watched Heero's
expression as he turned on a vid screen.

Heero kept his face impassive as the picture of a cell appeared. In
it was Duo, curled up in the center, and Quatre, kneeling a few feet
away, but watching Duo anxiously.

"You are proof against all of my interrogation techniques," the man
said with some respect, "Immune to every drug I've administered and
indifferent to all physical torture." He smiled and made Heero wait.
Finally, after a very long moment, he continued. "I had a drug
administered to the long haired boy. He, unfortunately for him,
doesn't share your immunity. Would you like to know what the drug
does?"

Heero said nothing. He stared impassively at the screen and then let
his eyes wander about the featureless room and his enemies,
pretending that he didn't care even as his blood turned to ice and
his heart clenched painfully.

A hand grabbed Heero's head and brought his eyes back towards his
frowning tormentor. "You will watch," he said. "If you don't, I'll do
even worse than a simple injection. We have rules, regulations, and
procedures. I find they inhibit interrogations. I can become
careless, let some of my more unsavory methods slip into the mix."

Heero continued to say nothing, eyes flat.

"The long haired boy is tough, angry, and obviously willing to
endure pain and death for his cause," his tormentor said. "But the
little blonde... so sweet and innocent, isn't he? He cares too much.
In four days all he has cared about is you and the other boy. The
long haired one kept telling him to be quiet and to say nothing, but
he can't. It's his nature to be kind and caring. He's the one who is
going to betray you. He's the one, I think, who will make you
cooperate."

The man tapped the top of the vid screen. "Every hour that you
remain silent, we will inject the long haired boy with a drug." The
man smiled. "I don't have to break any rules or regulations, you see,
because he's going to do the work for me. The injection we gave, and
will continue to give him, is a cocktail of several drugs; an
aphrodisiac, a nerve enhancer, and a drug that will cause psychosis.
In a room without any target, but that sweet, innocent boy in
there.... well, you can imagine what is about to happen."

Heero ran the scenario in his head with the speed of a computer. The
conclusion he drew was far different from the one his tormentor was
drawing. Quatre was safe. He was a trained Gundam pilot. It wasn't
Quatre who was about to be hurt.

"Still not going to talk?" The man sighed, but his eyes glittered.
He wasn't disappointed, he was glad. He wanted the mayhem to take
place. "We're gong to leave you alone to watch. There is a small
button under your right hand. All you have to do is press it and we
will return and stop the show. Don't wait too long though. It takes
time to reach that cell. You wouldn't want the blonde to die because
of your indecision, now would you?"

The man stared. Heero stared back, expressionless. The man frowned.
He didn't see what he had hoped for. There wasn't any tension, not
any sweat, not any increase of breathing. Had he made a mistake?
Heero and the long haired boy had been caught risking everything to
save the blonde.... The man pursed his lips. No, he wasn't wrong, he
felt, and, if the Japanese boy preferred letting his friends die
rather than spill his secrets, then perhaps the blonde would break
and speak first. Rape and a beating by a crazed companion did wonders
to break down resistance.

Heero listened to the men retreat and the magnetic lock of the door
fall into place. At once, he began pulling against his restraints,
gritting his teeth and flexing his inhuman strength as he watched the
vid screen, knowing what was about to happen and knowing that he
wasn't going to be in time to stop it.


***

Duo twitched. He felt something horrible was about to happen. His
mind was scattering, bits and pieces of odd feelings and memories
surfacing, sinking back, and then surfacing again.

"Make it stop, Quatre," Duo hissed as he curled into a tight ball
and tried to hide in an empty room.

Quatre said something, but it was lost. Duo felt his groin tighten
and his nerves tingle and burn. It was pain/pleasure. He jerked and
trembled. He was being aroused against his will. That had happened so
often, some horrible customer trying to force him to like what was
being done to him, force him to feel pleasure amidst the pain. That
torment had made him impotent for so long, his mind and body refusing
to feel rather than be subjected to that again. Only Heero had been
able to make his body stir again and his mind accept it as something
other than torture. To be forced again, to be made a puppet for some
sadistic Oz interrogator, sent Duo quickly over the edge of sanity.

He was there again, whimpering as someone much bigger, hairy,
stinking breath, drunk, used him, pinned him to a filthy mattress and
did his business as if he were a doll, unfeeling; lifeless. Duo
screamed. The man liked it. Duo kept screaming. His shrieks filled
the world.

Done. At last. Thrown down like used garbage and left. Hard hands
turned him, examined him, and then called in the next man. He was
bleeding, but he was still useful....

"I'm going to kill you!" Duo shrieked. "I'll kill every one of you
for putting your hands on me! I will not go back! Not again! Never
again! I'm free! I'm Shinigami! I am Death and Death is going to send
you to Hell!"

The psychotic scene changed. Deathscythe. Controls. Concentrate.
Concentrate. Can't mess up. Chance for revenge. Have to get it right.
Concentrate...

"Concentrate." Dr. G's voice behind his ear. Dr. G's hands on his
hips, the touch alone making Duo shake, making him cry, making him
want to kill. "Concentrate. Enemy vector seven. Rotate angle, left
controller, right of center. Quickly, calculate vector and rotation."

Hands clenching, body fighting, Dr. G shoved him into the console
angrily and said with contempt, "Get out. You aren't fit. You can't
fight if you can't control yourself. Kiss your revenge good bye, Duo."

Duo thrust back against him, straightening against that adult
weight, and did the calculations. Body trembling and sweat of fear
rolling down his sides, he slipped into insanity and yet continued to
pilot, just as Dr. G had trained him to do. Dr. G's hand slid down
his front and grasped him below the navel. Duo didn't falter, but his
voice shook as he read off his calculations perfectly and made
the adjustments to Deathscythe.

"Good," Dr. G chuckled. "Good, you may work out yet."

"Not again!" Duo shrieked against the memory. "Never again! I won't
do it! I won't live that way! Nobody owns me. Nobody has the
right.... not even for revenge... not even for peace..."

"Reentry speed and rotation, Duo?"

That odd voice touched the insanity in Duo and made it freeze in
consternation. It was Quatre's voice but it was Dr. G's tactics
again; drive him to insanity and then make him focus, make him
complete his mission no matter what his mental state. There was a
point past insanity where a mind was crystal clear and focused... but
it needed something to focus on. Deathscythe had been that focus for
Duo before, now Quatre was trying to make it so again, somehow
understanding exactly what Duo needed.

"Fuel mixture ratio and quantity for a trip from L2 to L4."

Duo quieted, focusing, mind narrowing so that he could do the
calculations. He rattled off the answers. Memory superimposed itself
on reality. Dr. G kissed him on the cheek, dry old man kiss, and then
licked up the side of his face.

"Two Oz Leos," Dr. G's voice said and then that voice turned into
Quatre's, "Twelve o'clock and three o'clock. Distance from ground...
armament malfunction in... time to impact ... "

Duo calculated and laid out strategy for destroying the Leos. He was
touched. Something jabbed pain into his arm. It startled him back
into reality and his eyes cleared. Two men hovered over him. Oz
uniforms, his mind registered, before he was springing into action,
lashing out violently.

"Don't touch me you stinking fuckers!" Duo shrieked and felt a cold
needle break off into his arm as he chopped his hand into a man's
face and neatly broke his nose, driving it up into his brain. The man
fell, jerking and twitching a he died. His companion aimed his gun at
Duo's head.

"Bastard Gundam Pilot!"

Quatre whirled and his foot came around and plowed into the man's
head. He dropped beside his companion, neck broken and head twisted
at an ugly angle.

"Never underestimate a Gundam Pilot," Quatre growled and didn't look
so innocent any longer.

Duo sat up, shaking, still drugged, still confused by memory and
reality. Quatre knew better than to approach him. Instead, he said,
"Escape simulation. Oz base, Cairo, Egypt, Two guns, audio and video
feeds in cell. Escape, impossible. Mission: destruction of base and
self destruct."

Duo nodded, eyes glazed, and he stood up with a gun in his hand from
the dead Oz soldier beside him. Quatre took the other one and waited.
Duo formulated a plan from a schematic of the base in his head.
Quatre waited and marveled at the level of hypnotic control that Dr.
G had implanted into Duo's mind. In self induced trance, Duo was
immune to his own horrors, his own debilitating fears, and even the
psychotic drugs that had been administered. He was ready to function,
ready to destroy and kill.

"Access tunnel, level three," Duo finally said in a dead tone of
voice. "Fuel generators. Destruction of pilot and base assured."

"Implement," Quatre ordered without hesitation. Duo and Heero had
thought him weak and they had compromised themselves and the mission
for his sake. Quatre was out to prove them wrong. He was as strong,
and as capable of dying for the mission as any of the other pilots.
He had always known that this day of sacrifice might come and he was
more than ready.

Duo went into motion, going out of the unlocked cell at a limping
run with Quatre on his heels. They met resistance immediately, Oz
soldiers boiling into the hall to stop them, having witnessed the
carnage on the video feed.

Bullets hit Duo three times, all superficial wounds. Blood
splattered onto Quatre. The pain of a bullet ripping past his cheek
and slicing open Quatre's arm convinced him they were both about to
die. Still, Quatre fired his gun along with Duo and Oz soldiers fell
as they kept running, plowing into them at top speed.

The way cleared. Quatre stopped, shocked and confused, and then ran
to catch up with Duo as he saw Heero standing further down the
corridor, gun still poised in his hands from shooting the soldiers.
Heero didn't wait for them. He turned and began running.

Heero knew the base as well as any of them. He knew what had to be
done without being told. They left the pile of dead Oz soldiers
behind them and raced towards the generators.

It was ugly, Quatre thought, killing so many, but he grimly did his
duty, standing his ground and shooting anyone who approached as Heero
and Duo entered the generator room and killed the Oz soldiers there.
Blood flowed and stank. Men cried and died horribly. Quatre's golden
hair was red with blood. His face and half his clothes were stained
with it. His blue eyes were wide and wild, madly determined, yet
cringing and horrified at the same time.

"Secure!" Heero shouted and Quatre retreated into the room, locking
the door and jamming the door system. He turned, tripped over one of
the many dead soldiers, and joined Heero and Duo as they began making
the generators overload.

Duo fumbled with one hand, his other lifeless by his side. Heero
pushed him roughly out of the way to finish the job. They weren't
lovers here, Quatre saw with a pang, they were soldiers about to
commit suicide, one mad with memories and drugs, and the other
trapped in his cruel training. There wasn't going to be any loving
last words.

The generators whined and began to smoke. The smell of burning
wires, plastic, and oil began to fill the room. Quatre retreated from
the others, dropping his gun, useless now, and wiping distractedly at
the blood on himself as he began to kneel and offer a last prayer to
Allah before dying. He thought of Trowa and wondered what his love
would do when he realized that Quatre was never coming back to him.

Heero and Duo nursed the machinery towards destruction. Duo began to
weaken. He fell to his knees at last and bent over, arms wrapped
about his waist and cheek resting on the cold floor. His eyes were
closed and Quatre wondered what his last sight was going to be, some
horrific flashback of his past or the here and now and his lover,
Heero? If it was the former, Quatre wished feverently that there was
a Hell painful enough for the Oz soldiers who had done this to him.

Heero suddenly let out a sigh, all that could be done accomplished.
His shoulders slumped and he turned to look at Quatre. He studied the
bloody Arabian for a long moment and then he said. "Well done,
Quatre."

Quatre found a bitter smile. "I had to redeem myself, didn't I?" he
replied roughly.

"Hn," Heero grunted back, but, as if he didn't want that to be his
last word, he said, "I never doubted your abilities, Quatre.... It
was just too hard to lose you and it made us weak."

Quatre felt tears. His heart ached. "I am a liability. Perhaps I
should stick to making cookies and securing safe houses..." he
remembered sharply and then chuckled grimly, "In my next life, I
guess."

Duo whimpered. His body was betraying him, hurting him, making him
need, stealing his last moments from him. Without a mission, he was
losing to the drugs again.

"I killed him," Heero said.

"What?" Quatre was confused.

"The man who did this to him, to us," Heero explained. "He was
coming back to my cell to see how much I was hurting. He was making
me watch you and Duo."

Quatre straightened. "Tell Duo," he said quickly. "Let him know
that. Make him understand it. Perhaps it will give him some peace."

"No," Heero replied, and then again, "No, nothing can bring him real
peace."

The smoke was making them cough now. The heat of the generators was
making their skin hot. The whining noise was rising in pitch. Even if
Oz managed to get the door open now, they couldn't stop the
inevitable. Perhaps they realized it. There wasn't any sound of an
attempt to force the door. Instead, there was the sharp sound of an
evacuation siren. Quatre felt relief that some would escape the
coming Armageddon.

Duo suddenly grunted and let out a long sigh. His body relaxed and
slid down until he was almost flat on the floor. He blinked and
grimaced, and then sat up, looking about dazedly.

"This is different," he whispered hoarsely, and then louder. "This
is the generator room. I guess we're blowing ourselves, up, right?"

"Duo?" Quatre felt a rush of relief. "Are you all right?"

Duo swallowed hard and rubbed at his eyes. It took a precious moment
for him to gather his thoughts. "The drugs wearing off. I'm still a
little woozy, but... I can think again. I don't feel like... like I
have too..." He hunched in on himself. "I'm glad we're killing them
all along with us! They need to pay for what they did to me; pay
dearly. Nobody does that to Shinigami and lives. Not ever again!"

"He paid," Heero said as he kneeled down in front of Duo. "I made
sure of it."

"You're alive," Duo said with relief. He didn't rush into Heero's
arms. He was too raw from the memories. Heero understood. Heero held
himself back, accepting that any last moment tenderness had been
robbed from them.

"At least four minutes more," Quatre said despondently. It wasn't
ending bravely, with brave, loving words, and fond hugs. It was
ending with fear and sadness.

"Quatre...," Duo almost didn't ask, didn't turn to look at him, but
Duo refused to hide from the truth. " Did I hurt you?"

It was something that he could give and gladly. Quatre found a
smile. "No, Duo. I can take care of myself. I'm a pilot, remember?"

Duo chuckled hoarsely, throat raw from screaming. "A Gundam pilot,
Quatre."

"So are you," Quatre responded. "Dr. G made sure of that. You talked
in your delirium. I was able to piece together what exactly he had
done to control your..."

"-hair trigger insanity?" Duo finished, and his mood went dark. "I'm
sorry you had to find that out. It wasn't... pleasant, what he did,
but it was necessary."

"It helped to get us here," Quatre admitted. "It was the only way I
could control you."

That left a bitter taste in Duo's mouth. Control. It seemed he had
never lived any part of his life where someone hadn't controlled his
life in one fashion or another. Quatre had done what he had to, but
Duo still didn't like it, didn't want to die being controlled.

Ignoring every fear, every raging reflex that told him to kill
rather than be touched, Duo used the control Dr. G had taught him,
but, not on a Gundam this time, on Heero Yuy.

"Don't-Don't move, baby," Duo warned and Heero obeyed, holding
perfectly still as Duo climbed into his lap, straddling him and
wrapping arms around him tightly despite the pain of the wounded arm.
Insanity roiled, but Duo was stronger. He held it in check and buried
his face into Heero's neck. "Love you," he whispered.

"With all my heart," Heero replied and simply breathed in the
essence of his lover, nuzzling, ever so softly, his hair.

"Oh, Allah!" Quatre lamented, wishing Trowa could hear HIS last
thoughts and know how much he loved him. Tears blinded Quatre and he
bowed his head to wait out their last minute.

The wall exploded. Debris rained down on them as they all crouched,
arms held up to protect their heads. A Gundam, gyros and pistons loud
even in the loud din of sirens and machinery overload, strode into
the room, smashing everything in it's wake. The hatch opened
invitingly and a voice on a loudspeaker said.

"Get in if you want to live!"

"Nataku!" Quatre exclaimed and then choked on smoke and debris dust
as he began to run for the hatch. "Hurry, guys, only a minute left!"

Heero and Duo joined him at the hatch entrance. The bay was very
small, meant for supplies and minor equipment, not three young men.
Duo balked at once, not even death and Dr. G's control able to negate
his insanity completely. He didn't want to be in a small space,
trapped between two men, even if one was his lover and the other his
dear friend.

Heero tried to hold Duo, force him, but Duo was beginning to fight,
amethyst eyes wide and unreasonable. Quatre felt the clock ticking.
He cocked back a fist and then landed it with all of his might into
Duo's chin. Duo's head popped back and he crashed back into Heero
with the force. Heero's arms went around his lover and pinned his
arms as he carried him, unconscious, into the hold.
Quatre followed and they squeezed tight together as the hatch
closed. The explosion followed not a second afterwards. The Gundam
rocked, but it's gundanium alloy was proof against even that kind of
power. As the base literally disintegrated around them from the
blast, Nataku strode out of it, a shinning warrior leaving a boiling,
fiery Hell.

"Weaklings!" A voice snarled over the speaker, Wu Fei's derisive
tones as he cut down any suits that tried to stop them.

"I'm not going to go on any more missions, Heero," Quatre sighed as
he nursed his aching hand. Duo's jaw had been like iron.

"Hn?" Heero grunted.

"I nearly killed all of us," Quatre replied despondently. "You can
both sacrifice each other for the mission, but, for some reason, you
can't do that to me. I'm a liability. A distraction. I'm not fit."

Heero replied, cradling Duo close to his breast. "You saved all of
us and you completed the mission. Duo and I allowed our selfish
desire for stability, the stability you give us, to make us
compromise the mission for you. That will not be repeated. Next time,
we will allow you to die."

Quatre swallowed and nodded, not sure why that made him feel better,
but it did. He watched Heero brush Duo's bangs from his face, gazing
almost tenderly at his lover. Duo was only half aware, but he was
slowly coming conscious again. Heero tightened his hold.

"I guess that Duo made you compromise the mission as well," Quatre
said.

Heero looked up with a frown. "Explain," he demanded as if that kind
of flaw in his training was impossible.

"You came to rescue us rather than destroy the base immediately,"
Quatre explained.

Heero blinked and then he shook his head. "Incorrect. The cell was
in line with my destination. I calculated that the act of releasing
prisoners would be a sufficient distraction to allow me to reach the
generators unnoticed."

"Ah," Quatre replied, eyes wide. He believed every word of it, until
Heero bent and brushed at Duo's bangs tenderly again. It made him
realize something about his companions, something uncomfortable. He
had always thought that his space heart was a liability and that his
companions were perfect soldiers, able to turn emotions off at will
and to ignore even love to accomplish their missions. The sight of
Heero Yuy, carefully cradling his lover, made that assumption
mistaken. They were as human as he was and prone to acting on their
emotions. None of them was perfect. None of them could completely
ignore their humanity.

Quatre turned on a vid screen and surveyed the damage of the base
quickly falling into the distance as Nataku strode away from it. He
had caused that. Timid, caring, gentle Quatre. He had shown them, and
himself, that he could still complete a mission despite what he was.
There was room for humanity in the war after all, he thought,
watching small figures in the distance escaping the carnage and glad
of it. He had redeemed not only himself in that mission, but the
human, compassionate soldier that he was as well. There was a place
for him, he thought, there had to be. How could there ever be peace
without compassion, without humanity? The answer was simple, Quatre
thought with a smile as he watched Heero care for Duo, there couldn't
be.

***Owari***

Go to Part 21: Memory Soup

==========================================

Shinigami's Lover Arc 1: Part 21
Part 21: Memory Soup
by Kracken (signs@screaminet.com)

Disclaimer: I don't own them and I don't make any money off of this.
Warning: Male/Male sex mentioned. Graphic. Violence. Language. Major
Angst. Poor Everybody, yet, in the end, extremely sappy. Gomen for
the bad Japanese. You know what I mean, just pretend that's what it
says! :)

==========================================

"What are you gonna do with that?" Duo asked as he slumped at the
wooden, kitchen table, bangs hanging in his face and amethyst eyes
still haunted by the previous night's bad dreams.

Quatre was placing the large soup pot on the table, checking it for
rust spots. The safe house they had been forced to stay in was close
to collapse. Cobwebs and disrepair were evident everywhere. Going up
the steps to the bedrooms was a risk, the treads uneven and full of
dangerous cracks. Even the windows were barely sealed, winter wind
fingering through every space to fill the ramshackle farm house with
freezing drafts.

"Soup," Quatre said thoughtfully. "That's what we need. A really
big, pot of soup and some fresh, steaming bread. That's what my
servants always made for me when it was really cold."

Duo blinked and scratched at his chin where stubble didn't dare to
grow, just yet. "I think 'servants' is the important word here," he
replied. "They cooked it for you. Can you do it by yourself?"

Quatre frowned, his gold hair a fall over his childish face. His
blue eyes looked offended. "I cook all of the time, Duo."

"Mixes, mainly," Duo replied pointedly. "Nothing this ambitious."

Quatre ran his hands along the rim of the pot, staring down into it.
"I think a little ambition is called for. Everyone has been so very
tired and on edge. We need something to comfort us and make us relax."

"You didn't answer my question," Duo replied.

Quatre smiled at him and Duo wondered why he looked so mischievous
all of a sudden. "No, I don't know how to make soup or bread, but I
think a group of talented, Gundam pilots can figure it out, don't
you?"

"Stands to reason," Duo replied, but sounded skeptical.

"I'll make a list and someone can slip into town and-" Quatre began
but Duo quickly cut him off with a shake of his head.

"You know the rules, Quatre!" Duo retorted. "We shop for supplies
before we settle into the safe house. Except for missions, any other
movement in and out of the area will alert Oz to our position. You
can't compromise our position for soup, Quatre."

Quatre looked crestfallen and Duo felt like a heel, but the rules
were there for a very good reason and he couldn't support breaking
them. Duo found himself looking around the kitchen, anxious to find
something to make Quatre feel better.

"Maybe we have some leftovers, some odds and ends that aren't
necessary rations, that you can use?" Duo suggested hopefully.

Quatre looked around half heartedly too. "Like what?"

"Well," Duo thought. "Do you have a recipe? Don't you usually use
something like that to cook?"

"No, no recipe," Quatre replied. He opened and closed a few
cupboards. He sighed at the contents. "We should never let Heero
secure the supplies."

"Why not?" Heero asked as he entered the kitchen. He leaned down and
gave Duo a careful, feathery kiss on the forehead, eyes alert for a
negative reaction. Heero received a warm smile from Duo in return, as
he settled into a chair next to him.

Quatre watched the exchange, puzzled by Heero's caution. The two had
been very close and easy with each other lately. It was strange that
they had regressed in their relationship. "You bought rations, not
food," Quatre said at last. "I wanted to make soup. There isn't any-"

"Water and a soaked ration 113A pack," Heero intoned knowledgeably.

Duo exchanged looks with Quatre. "Mmmm, wonderful!' Duo mocked.
"Maybe you'll get some of those nice, hard, undefinable meat bits in
it too."

"It's perfectly nutritional," Heero argued.

Duo shook his head and sighed. "You must not have any taste buds,
Heero. You're missing out on the great things in life, like cream
filled macaroons, malted milk balls, vinegar and onion chips, real
meat about an inch thick with really tangy barbecue sauce.... " He
smacked his lips appreciatively.

Heero glared. "That's exactly what you bought when you were given
supply duty last time," Heero reminded him sourly. "What didn't
expire within the week, you ate. Wu Fei had to risk our location by
buying more supplies."

Quatre frowned at the memory, turning a little green, "I had to
clean up several unfortunate messes as I recall," he said and Duo
looked embarrassed and uncomfortable. "Especially after you came down
for a late night snack and ended up eating an entire case of-"

"Well, I like those little sausages," Duo cut him off anxiously,
"Especially with hot mustard. That's the past, though, Quatre, so
stop bringing it up!" He turned back to Heero. "I'm not suggesting
that you go overboard like me, Heero, but a few extras for growing
boys, a little chance for some variety and fun, wouldn't hurt the war
effort."

"We need to be at peak performance," Heero replied, unmoved, "Foods
with too much grease and sugar clogs intestines and arteries. The
highs and lows of caffeine induced energy do not make a soldier
efficient either."

"Yeah, Heero, blah, blah, blah," Duo groaned and dropped his chin on
one fist, sighing in defeat. "What that means, I guess, Quatre, is
that there isn't going to be any soup."

Quatre looked disappointed. He caressed the big pot as he put it
aside, yet didn't remove it entirely, hoping, maybe, for
circumstances to change. "I'll make breakfast, then," he said sadly.

***

"Watashi ganbaru," Duo repeated, "I will do my best no matter what.
Maybe that should be my new slogan?" He paused, scribbled down some
more notes and then intoned around a yawn, "Watakushi no kokoro."

"Hn," Hero said from his laptop and smirked.

Duo raised eyebrows from where he was sitting, cross legged, on the
bed. "What? Did I say it wrong?"

"Do you know what you just said?" Heero wondered.

Duo slowly smiled in return. "Yes."

"Then, if I am 'your heart', then what do you wish, Duo?" Heero
wondered.

"Did I say, YOU were?" Duo replied mockingly.

Heero turned his head then and closed his laptop. "If not me, then
who?"

Duo put aside his Japanese lesson and stretched out on his back,
hands laced behind his head. He studied the cracked and water stained
ceiling. "Hm, maybe Wu Fei?"

Heero felt a tightening in his heart that could only be senseless
jealousy. He frowned, not wanting to play the game any more. They had
so little time lately... "You just have to say, 'stay away', little
baka," Heero told him and began to turn back to his work. "You don't
have to make me angry enough to leave you alone."

Duo was silent and then he growled. "You don't have any sense of
humor Heero. Can't I tease you?"

"Not about something so important, no," Heero replied and he
suddenly felt angry as well. "Especially after last night."

Duo covered his face with one arm and swallowed hard. "I don't know
why I said it, I told you. After so many crazy episodes, can't you
forget that one too?"

"I'm trying," Heero replied, hands clenched in his lap, wishing his
strength was good for figuring out ways of the heart. "I need to be
sure that you want me, Duo, that my touch pleases you, that you love
me enough to not be afraid of me. I don't... I have doubts about
myself, the same as any man, whether I'm good enough or simply just
good for you at all."

"Same as any man?" Duo lowered his arm and looked at Heero. "What do
you know about men? Not as much as me, I bet. Most men are pretty
full of themselves. They don't doubt they're good enough, Heero. You
shouldn't either. I'm a mess, sometimes, trying to deal with the shit
that happened to me, but you're the best thing that ever happened to
me, Heero. Just because... just because I called out that pig's
name..."

"While we were making love," Heero added cruelly, refusing to soften
what had happened. "You had a flashback when I... when I put my
tongue in your ear. You lost yourself in it. You thought you were
with that man, not me."

Duo's eyes glittered as if he had a fever. "He did that!" he said
viciously, shaking and digging hands into the blankets, as if he
longed to throw them over himself and hide. "He came every week, paid
good money for an entire two hours, and just.... just..." Duo sobbed.
He hated himself for it, hated Heero for making him remember it, and
hated life for having made him suffer it. The stress of the grueling
missions, the cold of the drafty old house, and now a remembered
nightmare coming between him and the man he loved, was too much. Duo
overloaded.

Duo jumped to his feet on the bed, blankets still clutched hard in
his hands. He screamed at Heero, lost in memory, lost in pain, going
down the whirlpool of insanity. "I hate you!! I hate all of you!! I
hate this place, this world, this fucking universe! Stay away from
me! I don't want you fucking me again! Nobody is going to ever fuck
Duo Maxwell again! I'll kill you all first. Shinigami will make sure
you pay and pay and pay for what all of you did to me!!!"

Heero kept very still, watching Duo's explosion. He waited until the
tirade stopped, Duo shaking and crying, before he said simply. "I'll
always love you, no matter what, even if you never want me to touch
you again."

There was an anxious knock on the door.

"Go away!" Heero snapped. "Everything is fine."

Who ever had knocked went away.

Duo stared, panting, tears streaming down his face. He sat down
abruptly, limp and exhausted. The episode was over. Emotions had been
bled off, leaving cold shame in their wake. "Some people don't
remember when shit like that happens," Duo whispered. He curled up on
his side and pulled the blankets over him, making himself a warm
nest. "I wish I didn't remember."

Heero stood, knowing that Duo needed to rest and be alone. One he
could have for a short time, but the other wasn't so easy to come by.
They had a mission that night. Duo had to pull himself together by
then and cope.

"Watakushi no Kokoro," Heero whispered as he closed the door behind
him and let Duo have what peace he could.

"Aishite Iru, Heero," Duo whispered back, "Forever." As much of an
apology as he could manage in his state, and he fell into exhausted
sleep.

A dream captured Duo at once. He expected a nightmare and cowered,
but it was a pleasant dream instead. Sister Helen was working over an
old stove with only one working burner. She had a big pot and
something smelled very good.

"Watcha doing, Sister?" Duo wondered; a child with dark, pain filled
eyes and an innocent's face.

"Cooking a hug," Sister Helen replied with a smile of indulgence at
her wildest orphan. "I found some onions, so I'm making onion soup."

Duo blinked, worried, calculating with a street rat's instinct for
self preservation. "That's a lot of water you're using. What if Oz
cuts off the water supply again?"

Sister Helen frowned, hating that a child had to think of such
things. "The good Lord will provide and the new administrator let the
weather controls slip enough to rain twice last week. The rain
barrels are full."

Duo nodded, but he didn't look less worried. "Why did you say,
'cooking a hug?'" he wondered at last, tense, but curiosity getting
the better of him.

Sister Helen stopped stirring. She looked down at little Duo and
said, "What do you think a hug is, Duo?"

Duo shivered. "I'm not stupid! It's when a guy holds you so tight
you can't get away."

"No," Sister Helen replied, holding back tears. "It's when someone
loves you and cares about you. They hold you gently in their arms and
it feels good. That's a hug. Some of you children have never felt
that. You won't even let me show you... so, I'm cooking you one just
so you know you're loved. Hot soup, cooked with care, and some
rations, will warm you inside and out, Duo."

Duo awoke, opening his eyes to evening and a mission yet to be
completed. Onions. He thought, as he climbed out of bed and reached
for his weapons.

***

Wu Fei stared down into the large pot. He had come into the kitchen
for an energy drink, sweating from practicing his Katana. His black
hair was damp and he wiped at his sweating face with a white towel
draped over his shoulders.

"Quatre's worse than a fool onna," Wu Fei growled under his breath,
but one of his hands stroked the pot, remembering one made out of
clay and bubbling on hot coals in his mother's kitchen. Beans, he
remembered, and miso. The smell had filled the house for hours.

It seemed ages ago, Wu Fei thought, the time when he had been a
carefree scholar in his parent's house. He had been so naive, so full
of himself, so much a child. A child, a young man, a boy with hopes
for a bright and peaceful future.

"Mamma," he sighed into the pot, "Baba." He remembered his parents
sitting about the table, eating his mother's rich soup, their loving
expressions for each other and himself, quiet conversation and....
peace.

"To bad, isn't it?" Quatre's voice said at Wu Fei's elbow.

Wu Fei started, scowling his blackest scowl. The golden Arabian
smiled gently at him, unperturbed by Wu Fei's drawn gun. Wu Fei
holstered it with a curse. "You know better than that, fool! If my
control had not been so excellent you would be bowing to your
departed ancestors now."

"Sorry," Quatre replied without a hint of it. He continued to smile.

"What?!" Wu Fei exploded as he took his hands from the pot and
turned to get his energy drink. "Why do you stand there gaping like
an idiot?" He snatched the drink from the refrigerator and then,
curiosity getting the better of him, he asked, "What is too bad?"

"That we can't make soup," Quatre replied sadly. "I thought hot
bread and some good soup would cheer everyone up, but Heero did the
shopping, unfortunately, and we don't have anything that will suit."
He shrugged and sighed. "Not that I knew what to put into it any how.
I don't have a recipe."

Wu Fei took a long drink, watching Quatre leave the kitchen with a
dispirited air. Soup? Wu Fei imagined the house filled with the rich,
bubbling aroma he had so loved as a child.

"Beans," Wu Fei said under his breath, thoughtful, and then
remembered something he had seen while driving to the safe house. He
nodded firmly to himself and went to change his clothes.

***

"Water?" Trowa peered around his bang into the pot. Quatre shoed him
back with a wooden ladle.

"You'll get hair in the soup, Trowa, love."

Trowa blinked from the pot to Quatre. Quatre smiled at him gently.
"You have a recipe in mind?" Trowa wondered.

"Recipe?" Quatre replied innocently.

Trowa sighed impatiently. "Not with me," he admonished. "I don't
fall for those blue eyes of yours."

Quatre batted them. "I thought that's why you fell in love with me,
because of my eyes."

Trowa stared into them, lost for a long moment, and then he frowned.
"If you want me to think that you are fool enough to boil water and
call it soup..."

"But that's exactly what I'm doing," Quatre replied with a chuckle.
"So I guess I'm a fool."

Trowa stared into the pot again, trying to understand what madness
was gripping his lover. Faintly, on the edges of memory,
Trowa recalled his mother making soup in an iron pot over a
campfire. Gypsy stew, she had called it, meaning it was anything that
happened to cross their path while they were traveling in their wagon
from city to city.

Warmth spread through Trowa, along with sadness, remembering her
face only dimly, but more strongly her competent hands. They had been
firm and unfailing whether high on a trapeze or holding her son in a
loving embrace. He recalled his father singing old tunes while he
worked with the wagon, his sister playing with her handmade rag
dolls, and the smell of gypsy stew filling every nook and cranny of
their camp. Somehow, that smell had made deep forest or open
countryside the four walls of a home, their home.

"Trowa?" Quatre said softly, feeling his lover's emotions as if they
were his own. "Maybe... maybe this was a bad idea. I didn't mean to
make you remember sad things."

"Not sad," Trowa replied and took a steadying breath. He looked
distractedly around the kitchen. "Herbs," he said.

"Too cold," Quatre replied despondently.

"No, they're there," Trowa replied as he headed for the door. "If
one knows where to look."

***

"Whoohoo!" Duo crowed as they left their Gundams in hiding and
headed for the safe house. "We sure kicked Oz ass, didn't we Heero?"

"Hn," Heero frowned. "You were sloppy when they came up on our left.
I almost lost my- "

"Something I have to do, Heero," Duo cut him off as he wiped smoke
and some blood from a split lip off of himself with a rag. "We'll
recap Duo's greatest fumbles when we get back to the safe house, k?
You go on up ahead. I won't be long."

Heero stared. "You took several hard hits. You have a bruise as
large as my hand on your forehead. Gundam maintenance can wait until
you're checked out by Trowa."

Duo grinned. "And I love you too, Baby," Duo replied, "But it's not
about that at all. It's just something I saw earlier that I think we
might be needing. It's not a dangerous mission or anything. I'll be
back, safe and sound , in a jiffy."

"No," Heero replied firmly.

Duo stood, suddenly very quiet, hands on hips and eyes on the
ground. They stood that way in darkness, Heero like a wall against
Duo's will.

"I hurt you," Duo said at last. "I forgot that it was you and I
confused you with a rapist. I'm finding it hard to live with that. I
know you are too. I kept thinking about it while were fighting. I
shouted at you. I said some awful things. I accused you of being like
all the rest of them." Duo paused, counting heartbeats, and then he
said. "You wondered if you were good for me. I wonder if I'm good for
you. I have mental problems and they are never going to go away. I'm
sorry that I said those things to you, but you know it's going to
happen again as soon as I get upset, insecure, too stressed and
bitten by memory."

"Yes, I know," Heero replied, and then, "But you seem to be making
the false assumption that I am more 'normal' than you are and
therefore could pursue a better, more 'normal' life, without you.
Because of my training, integration into any civilian lifestyle would
be impossible for me. My life would not be better without you and, I
warn you, you have become essential for the continuation of my
existence. "

Duo puzzled over that and then he smiled, "You're saying that you
would die without me?"

"Hn."

Duo reached out hesitantly and took Heero's broad, scarred hand in
his. He brought it to his lips and kissed it passionately. "Well, I
feel I should give you the option of running away from me once in
awhile, despite what you're saying. It's only fair."

Heero frowned, not understanding.

Duo dropped his hand. "I'm going," he told Heero strongly. "And you
are not going to stop me. Shinigami can take care of himself Heero."

"Where are you going?" Heero wondered, perplexed. "What is your
mission?"

Duo grinned and sauntered off into the night, saying over his
shoulder. "I always show you the bad stuff from my past and make you
suffer through it too. For once, I'm going to show you something
good. Be patient. Wait for me."

Heero watched his lover disappear into the darkness, heart battling
with head, wanting to stop Duo, demand more of an explanation or
simply stop his madness all together. Duo was injured and weary. If
there was trouble.... Heero turned for the safe house. He had heard
the emotion behind Duo's words. Whatever he was doing, it was
extremely important to him. Heero listened to his instincts and
trusted Duo to come back to him unharmed.

***

"You stole them?" Quatre raised disapproving eyebrows at Wu Fei as
Wu Fei cleaned an assortment of beans and peas in the sink.
Wu Fei shook his head, indignant. "I am fighting for their cause. It
is payment for my services and sacrifice."

Heero heard the tail end of the conversation as he paced into the
kitchen. "What is going on?" he demanded roughly, his worry for Duo
and the stress of the last mission making him more than ready for an
explosion of temper. The two other pilots felt their danger.

Wu Fei carried his beans over to Quatre's pot and began pouring them
in. "I appropriated some beans from a nearby farmer's wife. I noticed
her, selling them in decorative containers on the roadside, as we
drove by on our way here. Her small, wooden stall was far from any
other habitation. I didn't compromise our position by breaking into
it."

Quatre waited, watching Heero, seeing the tick of leashed emotion
along one jaw. Finally, Heero sat down at the kitchen table.
"Acceptable," he said simply and Quatre found himself letting out a
breath.

"Oh, all right," Quatre said brightly and began to lift the pot to
the stove. Trowa was suddenly there at his elbow, helping him. Quatre
smiled at him in greeting. "Thanks, Trowa," he said, "It's heavy."

Trowa stole a brief kiss and then held up the result of his search,
shriveled herbs that were still a little green. They smelled pungent
and wild. "Sometimes the snow preserves instead of destroys," he said
quietly, "Add them last, so that they keep their flavor."

"Perfect, like you," Quatre sighed. "Thank you."

Heero grunted. "Beans and herbs. What will you do for broth?"

Wu Fei looked at Heero in surprise. "What do you know about making
soup?"

"Don't suggest those ration packs again," Quatre warned with a
queasy look. "I wouldn't be able to eat the soup knowing those things
were in it."

"The nutritional value-," Heero began and then let it go. He was too
tired and too worried. He rose and left the three pilots alone with
their project. He went out to the front porch and settled on the
steps, huddling in on himself to keep warm. His dark, blue eyes
stared out at the darkness, willing Duo to appear.

It was a long while before Heero's will was obeyed. Duo came out of
the darkness quite suddenly, a limp evident, utter weariness on his
bruised face, and a small bag knotted around one hand. He grinned at
Heero and gave him a thumbs up.

Heero walked to meet him and cautiously reached out. Duo watched his
hands nervously and then slowly came into Heero's embrace. Heero held
him loosely and Duo rested his cheek against Heero's heart. He felt
the warmth there for a long moment, remembering Sister Helen's words.
In Heero's arms, Duo had learned that a hug was an expression of love
and gentleness, not pain and torment, but Sister Helen had hugged him
first with her words and then with her soup, teaching him that
someone COULD love him. Duo wanted to feel that again, remember
Sister Helen, her words, and her soup. He wanted most of all, though,
to share it with Heero and let him touch that cherished memory with
him.

Duo held up the bag as he broke the embrace. He grinned at Heero's
questioning look. "Wild onions from the old garden of that
dilapidated farmhouse down the road," he said and laughed.

***

"We still need a broth," Quatre sighed.

All the pilots were gathered around the stove, staring into the pot
at their contributions. Heero was the exception. Frowning, he
suddenly made a decision, a decision that held some embarrassment for
him. He stood and left the kitchen.

Heero remembered Odin Lowe, his first teacher, the man who had
taught him to be an assassin at a very early age. Heero remembered
him in fine detail, everything he had ever said, every expression and
movement of the man's body; eating his mentor whole mentally so that
he could be perfect, so that he could earn the man's praise. That
praise had been the only joy Heero could remember during that time...
except for one evening when Odin Lowe had fished a pot from under an
efficiency hotel room stove and boiled water. Heero had watched him
avidly, expecting some new technique that would make him even more
efficient as a killer. Instead, Odin Lowe had begun throwing in rice,
cutting up his ever present stash of beef sticks, and throwing both
ingredients into the pot.

The smell... Heero recalled it as he climbed the unsafe stairs for
his and Duo's room. It had been a rich, beefy aroma. Heero had
puzzled over the smell and Odin's actions. They had always eaten
ration packs and vitamin supplemented, bland, mixtures. Odin Lowe had
never cooked as far back as Heero could remember. When the man had
finally ladled out a bowl and put it in front of Heero, he had looked
uncertain of his own actions. He had muttered half heartedly, "Merry
Christmas, Junior."

Heero recalled despising the man's sudden weakness. Now, looking
back, he felt regret and an aching sense of loss for the missed
opportunity; a moment of shared kindness with the man he had known as
his 'father'.

Returning to the kitchen, Heero tossed twenty long, thin sticks of
summer sausage onto the kitchen table. Everyone turned to look. Duo
approached the stash with wide, purple eyes. His braid swung to and
fro as he looked from it, to Heero, and then to the other pilots.
"Junk food," he said at last, and then laughed. "My Heero has junk
food?"

Heero scowled and sat down heavily in a chair. "It is a protein and
it has a long shelf life. It is an acceptable meal in case of
shortages."

Duo smirked. "Junk food," he retorted, gathered them up, and then
held them out to Quatre. "Will this work?" he asked hopefully.

Quatre smiled. "I think it will."

***

They all sat around the table, hot, whole wheat bread and bubbling
bean and onion soup in front of them in cracked and worn pottery
plates and bowls. The house was filled with the smell, rich and
powerful, soothing and comforting. Snow was falling gently outside,
powdering weather ravaged safe house and hiding Gundams under white
blankets. The warmth of the heater and the stove, the steaming heat
of the bread and soup, kept out the cold, bitter fingers of winter.
It wrapped the pilots in a soothing embrace, lulling them in good
memories.

Duo leaned against Heero and smiled up at him. Heero looked down
into his beautiful lover's face, his heart in his eyes. Very softly,
Duo began to tell Heero of his past, of the one sweet moment he could
remember, of Sister Helen and her hug. The others listened, sharing
the memory with him.

Quatre smiled with self satisfaction, knowing he had tricked them,
but content all the same. For a little while, they had peace. For a
little while, they were home.

***Owari***

Oh, so sweet, wasn't it? My teeth are hurting!!!! This was based on
a folk tale called Stone Soup, for those of you who will eagerly try
and email me to tell me so, ha, ha. Actually this scenario happened
to me and my friends twice when we wanted dinner and didn't have much
on hand. Everyone contributed and it was very fun and comforting.
(Fond memories galore)

For those of you who were worried about poor Kracken's health, domo!
I am feeling much better.

Go to Part 22: Heart Beat

==========================================

Shinigami's Lover Arc 1: Part 22
Part 22: Heartbeat
by Kracken (signs@screaminet.com)

Disclaimer: I don't own them and I don't make any money off of this
Warnings: Male/Male sex. Graphic. Language.

Shinigami's Lover Series - Side fic; Happens before Hunting Heero

This is a fic I wrote because it's my birthday, Feb. 22nd and I
wanted to give my fans a present for having made this a great year
for me. Thank you! ^_^

==========================================

The heat in the hanger was brutal. The engines of the Gundams,
powering up and powering down as each pilot worked on them, made it
even more so. Heero sat back and wiped his sweating brow with the
back of a grease covered hand. He let out a long, weary breath and
hit the meter one more time. It ticked as it read Wing's stats and
then red lights appeared on the monitor. Heero swore and threw down
his wrench. It clattered against metal as he kicked the switch that
powered down his engines.

"Kuso!" Heero growled and stood up. He stretched until his back
popped and then took a long look around the hanger, face flushing as
he imagined the other pilots snickering at the sight of perfect Heero
Yuy failing to make his engines reach peak performance

Nothing. Trowa was nowhere to be seen, the hatch of Heavyarms open.
Quatre was busily inscribing some religious prayers along the
shoulders of Sand Rock. Wu Fei was struggling to pull a fused part
out of Nataku. Duo... Heero frowned. Duo was leaning up against the
neck of his Gundam, legs stretched out along the shoulder. He was
bare to the waist except for his gold cross, long line of ribs,
scars, and wiry muscle covered in grime and sweat. His white skin was
a sharp contrast to the black work pants he wore slung low on his
hips. Heero watched as he unwound his very long, chestnut hair out of
its braid and spread it out with his fingers. Draping it around
himself, he looked as if he were concentrating on getting something
out of the strands.

Heero glared at the monitor and its red lights. He decided that he
needed a break to give his mind a chance to reevaluate the system.
Heero took the lift down to the hanger floor, crossed the large space
between Wing and Deathscythe and then took Deathscythe's lift up to
Duo to see what was wrong with his lover.

As Heero clambered over to crouch before Duo, Duo looked up through
tendrils of hair, wet with sweat, and smiled. "Hot," Heero said
unnecessarily.

"Yeah," Duo replied.

The first movement of a complicated dance.

"Grease?" Hero asked, motioning to Duo's hair.

Duo frowned as he examined his own hair. "Don't know. Something
sticky."

"Can I help?"

Duo hesitated, stared at Heero as if reassuring himself or , even
worse, bracing himself, and nodded. "Sure. Thanks."

Heero inched forward very carefully and very slowly, stopped with a
foot of space between them, reached out, and took a light hold on the
bit of hair that was worrying Duo.

Time for the second movement of the dance.

"Some anti static gum," Heero determined at last.

"Bad?" Duo wondered tensely.

"No."

Heero moved in and reduced the space between them by a half foot. He
worried at the black gum, taking it off of the strands patiently, and
then, as if to look more closely, he bent towards the strands.
Keeping his eyes on Duo, Heero was ready for any negative reaction.

Duo's nipples hardened and he shivered at the delicious sensation of
Heero's hands touching his hair. He was suddenly very aware of
Heero's masculine scent, his strong, sweaty body so close to his own.
How long had it been? They had exhausted themselves completing a
string of missions and time to enjoy one another had been
nonexistent. Duo raised his great purple eyes to Heero and Heero
looked sideways and met them, waiting, forever patient, for Duo to
understand what he wanted, what he needed from the pilot of
Deathscythe.

"Finished?" Duo asked, suddenly breathless.

"Yes," Heero replied.

"There's some cool water in the cockpit." Duo levered himself up and
stared down at a still crouching Heero. Heero had a wonderful view of
Duo's long legs and the tight crotch of his pants. "Join me?"

"Yes," Heero replied and watched Duo climb up to the cockpit and
slide inside. He followed more slowly. He was the black widow's mate
and he knew one wrong move meant death.

The third movement of the dance was about to begin.

Heero smiled as he slid into the cockpit and saw Duo flicking on the
air conditioning and leaning the command chair back with a practiced
flick of one hand. Heero didn't close the cockpit door as he
approached. That would have made Duo feel trapped and there was
nothing more dangerous than a threatened Shinigami. Heero had to hope
that the other pilots didn't find a reason to come looking for them.

Duo touched the command chair and smoothed over the leather with a
deceptively delicate hand. "Make yourself comfortable."

Heero sat down gingerly and waited.

Duo smiled. "More comfortable than that, soldier."

His cue unmistakable now, Heero smiled warmly and began to undress.
Duo watched him, moving about the small confines of the cockpit as if
reassuring himself of every inch. When Heero's clothes slid to the
floor, Duo became very still, amethyst eyes large and...

Heero began to reach for his clothes again. "I still have to get my
engines tuned correctly. Maybe tonight we..."

The fear left Duo's eyes all in an instant and he reached out and
caught Heero's wrist in a tight grip. "Patience," he told Heero
affectionately, knowing his lover was the most patient man on Earth
or in Space.

Duo took a deep breath and then, braced and prepared mentally, he
reached out and ran a hand along Heero's skin. Goose bumps followed
in the wake of his fingertips and Heero's nipples hardened. Very
cautiously, eyes raised to watch Heero, Duo leaned in and took a
luscious, brown nipple into his mouth and suckled on it.

Heero closed his eyes and hissed in pleasure, hands lax at his side,
entire body forced to keep still and not to writhe at the pleasant
torment of Duo's tongue and lips. When Duo's hand took hold of his
weeping erection and caressed it, lips moving to his other nipple,
Heero moaned.

"Like that?" Duo asked in a tone that was almost a purr. "I think I
would like that too." He paused only long enough to drop his pants,
and then his mouth was back at Heero's nipples, lapping and sucking
harshly. He guided Heero's hand to his own erection and Heero sighed
in relief as he rubbed that hot, soft skinned, member.

"Do you know what I want, Heero?" Duo asked with a growl of pleasure
as he left Heero's reddened nipples.

"No," Heero sighed, all of his being sinking down to his crotch,
Duo's massaging hand, and his own hand on Duo's erection.

"Fuck me," Duo said low, and throaty. "Fuck me hard, from behind.
Make me yours. I want you to ram it hard, ram it good, ram it deep. I
want you to fuck my brains out, Heero Yuy."

Heero moaned and almost came right then and there. He regained
control with an effort. He refused to open his eyes. He refused to
see his Duo, with his erection drooling in his hand, naked to his
ankles, hair spread out all over him, begging to be fucked like an
animal. Heero was afraid that if he did look, nothing would be able
to stop him from doing just that.

Duo pressed a small tube of lube into Heero's hand. "I mean it," Duo
said. "It's been too long. We may never get a chance for a while
longer. I want you to make my body come like a freakin nuclear
explosion so I'm satisfied from here until next month. Mission
accepted, Perfect Soldier?"

"No," Heero replied, hating the word.

Duo was quiet and then lips pressed into Heero's. A body piled on
top of him and bore him into the chair cushion. It was shivering,
that body, and Heero knew why. It wanted one thing, but Duo's injured
mind often wanted just the opposite. Heero didn't want to die for
loving Duo, caught on the wrong side of that conflict.

"Fuck me!" Duo begged around his deep kiss. "I want it!"

Still Heero refused to respond and refused to open his eyes. He lay
very still, Duo's hand still wrapped around his erection. Duo's
shivering stopped. Heero's refusal had given him strength,
reassurance that it was his call, his move, his idea. He wasn't being
forced by Heero. There wasn't any danger. It was the moment that
Heero had been waiting for, doubting that it would happen. Most times
it didn't and they were forced to separate and retreat to regroup and
try again another time.

Heero opened his eyes at last and saw that Duo was still on top of
him, but no longer facing him. Looking down the length of his naked
body, Heero saw Duo's ass looking him in the face. The pilot of
Deathscythe had gone on all fours, facing away from him, hips lifted
enticingly, genitals red and swollen between them. Duo's face was
pressed down against the soft leather of the chair, pants discarded
on top of Heero's on the floor, and his hair spread out all around
him.

Time to finish the dance.

Heero sat up and cautiously flicked his tongue out. Duo moaned as he
touched a very sensitive, private spot. Heero took his time, drinking
in Duo's taste and scent, his heat and need hotter than the air. His
tongue darted in and Duo gasped and moaned very low. Heero delved
deep and circled roughly. Duo opened for him and Heero knew he was
ready.

The lube slicked over Heero's erection as he applied it with one
hand. With his other, he levered himself up on his knees, positioning
himself in the cramped chair and trying to find his balance. There
wouldn't be any grabbing Duo or holding on. He had to trust Duo not
to let them both topple over the bottom edge of the chair. Already
Duo was gripping that edge tight with his hands, face turned to watch
Heero, reassuring himself that he was still calling the shots, that
Heero was Heero and not someone from his terrible past.

"Love you," Heero growled as he hooked hands in the support beams
over his head and positioned his cock at Duo's entrance. Crouching
forward he started pushing in. "Love you," he repeated. "Only you.
Forever you."

"Fuck me, Yuy," Duo smirked. "Don't read me poetry." But then he
winced as he wiggled his ass backwards and tried to help Heero get
inside of him. That made his eyes go guarded. Heero stopped and
waited; the mate of the black widow hoping not to get suddenly eaten
in a moment of confusion.

"All right, Baby, " Duo said at last and gritted his teeth. "Do it.
I'm ready for you."

Heero gave a shove of his hips and seated his cock in deep. Duo
gasped and then grinned, eyes glittering, in control, but holding the
promise of danger. He didn't look away, didn't take his eyes off of
Heero's face as Heero began to fuck him with slow, steady thrusts. As
Duo loosened, Heero began to thrust harder. Duo met each thrust by
shoving his ass into Heero's pelvis. In perfect rhythm, they pounded,
the slap of flesh meeting flesh loud in the quiet confines of the
cockpit.

"Fuck me, baby!" Duo kept snarling like a mantra. "I want it deep. I
want it hard!"

Heero heard metal stressing as his powerful grip began to tell on
the supports over his head. He continued to thrust, ignoring it,
ignoring everything but Duo's face and his cock rutting in the
confines of Duo's hot, tight ass. When Duo ran a wet tongue over his
own lips and panted , sweat running down his face, Heero lost it. He
pounded hard, dug himself in deep, and gave Duo a rapid fire number
of short, hard thrusts as he exploded, filling Duo with fiery cream.

Exhausted and breathing hard, Heero gently pulled out and fell to
his knees, releasing the bent supports. He kissed Duo's ass lovingly
and smiled as Duo turned and began to stand up. He looked up Duo's
long legs to his red and needy erection.

Duo looked down, eyes clouded with passion and trust. Duo needed
caution, gentleness, and to be in control. Heero needed just the
opposite. He liked to be controlled, to have it rough, to have the
reins taken by someone else and to be told what to do.

When Duo grabbed the bent supports and directed his erection into
Heero's mouth, Heero deep throated it eagerly. When Duo began to
piston in and out of him, he felt relief, joy, and release. He needed
Duo to grab his hair in one hand and to punish it. He needed Duo's
sweat slicked body to be standing over him, over powering him, making
him helpless. In that helplessness, he found desire and a few moments
where perfection didn't matter and where he wasn't expected to be or
to accomplish anything. He was simply a lover, a fuck, and even more
crudely, an opening for Duo to relieve himself in. There was a
comfort in being nothing and without any other responsibility than
that for Heero.

Duo's face flushed and twisted in pleasure. With a loud, "Shit!" he
pulled out of Heero's mouth and directed his spurt of cum all over
Heero's face. Duo watched it with a glazed look and a wide smile
while Heero blinked through it up at him. When he was done spurting,
Duo tapped the head of his cock on Heero's face, ran it along Heero's
lips, and then shoved it deep into Heero's mouth. Heero gave it one
last, powerful suck, swallowed some of the salty taste, and then
released it with a sigh of contentment.

Duo sank to his knees and they faced one another, smiling and sated.
Heero leaned back in the chair and Duo gingerly stretched out on top
of him with his head pillowed on Heero's chest. Heero gently ran a
hand over Duo's long hair.

"You're a great fuck, Heero," Duo said lovingly.

"So are you, love," Heero replied. He adjusted his weight and felt
something dig into his ribs. He frowned and pulled a gun out from
underneath him. Duo looked up at the motion and smiled.

"Always prepared," Duo said self deprecatingly.

Heero nodded. The black widow's mate had survived yet another
successful mating dance. "Always," he replied and kissed Duo deeply
as he put the gun out of reach.

Owari

Go to Part 23: Hunting Heero
==========================================

Shinigami's Lover Arc 1: Part 23
Part 23: Hunting Heero
by Kracken (signs@screaminet.com)

Disclaimer: I don't own them and I don't make any money off of this
Warnings: Guy/guy sex. Graphic. Violence. Language. Rape. Torture.
Lima beans... wait, no, sorry, no lima beans.

Support a starving artist, buy Kracken's book, The Storm, on
Amazon.com under Della Boynton. Pretty please? (Big chibi eyes) I
know, for that kind of money it better be really big chibi eyes. O.O

The Storm at Amazon.com

For purists, the arc actually ended several fics ago when Heero and
Duo bought the house. These are just extra.

==========================================

Duo crouched by the old camp, the ground cold and everything
trampled flat by machinery. His eyes scanned anxiously for motion
detectors and a nasty Oz trick, leaving detonators to discourage
anyone following them, like a Gundam pilot looking for his partner.

"Heero...," Duo breathed anxiously, finding a spot full of blood and
other dried, disgusting things. It was obvious that someone had been
tied up there and beaten, maybe more than beaten, Duo thought, going
pale as he lifted up a scrap of green tank top. It looked as if
someone had cut it off with a knife.

Duo lifted the scrap of material to his nose. He breathed in and
smelled Heero, musky, sweaty scent that he had grown to know as much
as his own. Duo closed his eyes, fought off the panic, and then
jammed the scrap into his shirt as he made his way carefully across
the clearing.

A simple recon mission. One day, there and back. It shouldn't have
ended like this, Duo thought. Heero was too perfect. Too
professional. Duo hadn't even worried, until the call had come in, a
simple series of radio bursts that meant pilot down and captured.
Nothing had come since and Duo could see why. He found Heero's small
radio blasted apart on top of a rock. Someone had tried to make it
work to trace the signal. That person had set off the destruct
sequence. Blood and a few pieces of flesh, shriveled and burned, told
Duo that whoever had tried to tamper with the radio had been given a
painful, if not fatal surprise. Duo wondered what revenge had been
delivered to Heero after that. He had enough bad experiences himself
to fill his imagination with horror.

There! Duo bent and fished a small container out of the mud,
brushing it off quickly. Printed in small letters on the side, was
the name of the base where it had come from. Now Duo had a
destination and not just tracks almost obscured by rain and wind.
Soon, he thought, they were going to see the face of Shinigami. It
was going to be the last thing they would ever see, he vowed.

Duo shifted his pack, full of his weapons and supplies, to a more
comfortable position on his shoulders, and then set himself a ground
eating pace. Wu Fei's words, echoing still in his thoughts, made Duo
doubt his sanity, made him doubt the decision to chase after clues
instead of waiting for hard facts, and made him afraid that he was
doing something that Heero would later hate him for, if he was still
alive.

"He's gone," Wu Fei said in memory, leaning against the doorframe of
Duo and Heero's room, watching the pilot of Deathscythe pack his
supplies. "Heero has a large price on his head, but those Oz soldiers
will care more about settling old scores rather than getting any
reward money. Heero's the most known of the Gundam pilots. He's
killed the most Oz soldiers. They'll take their revenge. You know
that. You're not going to find anything but a mangled body. Do you
want to remember him that way?"

Duo hadn't paused in his packing, but his jaw had tightened. "He
needs me," he had replied viciously.

"So does the war," Wu Fei had retorted, but his tone hadn't been
very harsh. It had been sympathetic even in its matter of factness.
"Everyone knows the risks. Everyone knows that one of us, maybe all
of us, might not come back from the next mission. We all decided to
give our lives, Duo, even Heero. You know the rules. We don't stop
the war for any reason, especially to collect bodies. There are too
few of us, too many people depending on us, to indulge in private
vendettas."

"Heero's not dead," Duo had replied with certainty.

Wu Fei hadn't questioned that assertion. He had his own mystical
side where his dead wife was concerned. Instead, he had shrugged.
"What does it matter? Dead or alive, you can't risk yourself trying
to rescue him. We have a mission in seventy two hours. It requires
hacking, bomb making, detailed maps, and computer codes. I need you,
Duo. I need your skill. Your Gundam. The war isn't going to stop.
Civilians are going to die, cities and colonies are going to be taken
over, if you aren't there to stop it."

Duo had stopped packing. Abruptly, he had thrown the pack into the
wall, hitting the plaster solidly and making it crack. "Leave! I-I
don't want you to look at me!"

Wu Fei had nodded, understanding a man wanting to be alone with his
grief, and had left, closing the door behind him.

Duo had collapsed onto the floor as soon as the latch had clicked
shut, curling up into a ball. He hadn't cried. He hadn't shouted. He
had simply stared at nothing and shut down. The tragedy of his life
had always been overwhelming for Duo. Heero had been his only spot of
light in a world of pitch darkness filled with evil, violence, and
sorrow. Before Heero, Duo had just survived, centering his entire
being on Shinigami, on revenge. Heero had shown him love, passion,
and that a future in peacetime was possible. To have all of that
ripped away so suddenly, had been more than Duo could bear.

Time had passed without notice, the shadows of night falling away to
the bright sunshine of morning. Duo had remained where he was,
ignoring cramped muscles, aches, and hunger. When morning sunlight
had brightened to afternoon and then yellowed towards dusk, someone
had finally braved Duo's door.

The knock had hardly registered. The timid, blonde Arabian that had
slowly crept into the room, had been ignored.

"Duo?" Quatre's soft voice had been full of concern. He had crouched
in Duo's line of sight, searching for some response. When he hadn't
received one, he had cleared his throat and said, "Trowa and Wu Fei
said that I should leave you alone, but something tells me that being
alone isn't what you need right now."

Duo's life had been playing over and over in his head, one tragic
scene after another. He remembered when Heero had come in to his
life, that fateful day when he had seen him trying to shoot Relena
Peacecraft. That day, Duo had shot him twice. After that, Heero had
worked some sort of magic on him. For the first time in Duo's life,
he had thought about another male as more than someone to avoid. With
Heero, he had first learned friendship. Later, love had bloomed all
unexpectedly. With his love, Heero had ended the tragedy and Duo knew
that he couldn't stand to have it come back again. Somehow, Quatre
had sensed that, had felt Duo's impending violence towards himself.

"Let me help you," Quatre had whispered.

"How can you help me?" Duo had finally replied, bringing himself
back a little, wondering if Quatre might have, like Heero, some magic
that could take away the pain and change the horrible truth, that the
only person he had ever been able to love was gone.

"Let me cry with you," Quatre had said. "You need to cry, Duo. You
can't hold this in."

"I ran out of tears when I was six," Duo had grated, curling
tighter. "I'm numb. I don't feel anything, Quatre. Just, leave me
alone and I'll pull it back together. Don't worry. You don't have
your friends die from a plague, guys screw you every day for more
than a year, and Ozzies murder everyone in your orphanage, and not
know how to deal. I'll be ready for the next mission. I still have to
get my revenge, don't I? Shinigami still needs to make Ozzies pay."

Quatre had remained silent for a long moment and then he had said,
"I won't leave you alone. I know what you're going to do."

Very carefully, Quatre had eased onto the floor. Duo had flinched
and shivered as the blonde Arabian had put his life on the line by
stretching out on his side with his back to Duo. With infinite
slowness, Quatre had then inched backwards until they had touched.
Remaining perfectly still, Quatre had closed his eyes tightly, hoping
that Duo would refrain from snapping his neck or plunging a knife
into him.

"Trust me, "Quatre had said as he had gently reached back and taken
Duo's hand. "Let it out. I'll protect you. No one will hurt you. No
one will judge you. "

"I can't!" Duo had whispered, but he hadn't drawn back his hand.
Instead, he had watched with trepidation as Quatre had slowly pulled
that hand until his arm had been draped over him.

"You can," Quatre had insisted. "You have to."

They had remained frozen like that for a long while, Duo battling
with a fear that had urged him to get away anyway he could, and the
need to let out the pain before he self destructed. In the end,
Quatre had pushed him over the edge by humming a soft tune. Memories
of Sister Helen had over taken Duo then, memories of the sister
bending over him, smoothing a hand on his brow, and humming a soft
lullaby.

Duo had broken then. Grabbing Quatre's vest with both hands, Duo had
buried his face into Quatre's back, sobbing, the tears coming at
last, the pain finally finding an outlet.

Duo wasn't sure how long his sobbing and wailing had continued after
that, but at some point, he had become aware of Quatre crying along
with him. That shared misery, and Quatre's boundless caring and
compassion, had been the medicine that Duo had needed to bring him
back from the edge of sanity.

Now, in present time, Duo, sane and focused, was going about the
search for Heero professionally. It was a mission for a downed pilot,
he told himself over and over again, keeping his emotions, the ones
that screamed for him to run headlong into battle with his Gundam
blazing, under lock and key. Heero wasn't a lover. He was a comrade;
an irreplaceable pilot needed for the war. It was that argument to
the other pilots, and Duo's demonstration of stability in stating it
calmly, that had won their permission for the search. Even Wu Fei had
relented, maybe sensing that Duo wouldn't be of any use to them until
he knew, one way or the other, whether Heero was alive or dead and
whether he could be rescued.

"Don't get yourself killed trying to save him if he is alive," Wu
Fei had warned angrily. "Heero is only one person. Millions are
depending on you to pilot Deathscythe and defeat Oz. Don't forget
that."

Wu Fei's words had made Duo angry, but he couldn't forget that he
had contemplated committing suicide. The guilt still gnawed at him,
that he could have forgotten, however briefly, his importance in
keeping people alive and free from Oz tyranny. That mission was more
important than the one he was on now. It was more important than one
man, however beloved. Duo had needed his argument, that Heero was
irreplaceable, for himself as well as the others, needing the
justification for risking his own life and the larger mission of
winning the war. Even with that valid argument, Duo knew that he
wouldn't save Heero, no matter what they were doing to him, if his
own life was compromised in any way. Duo wouldn't let Oz take two
Gundam pilots out of the war. There would be no hope of winning if
that happened.

Duo stopped abruptly and pulled out his gun. There was a distinct
smell in the air. It was blood and death.

It was still drizzling rain, the soft patter of it hitting the
leaves a background noise to the usual sounds of the forest; bird
calls and the constant swish and creak of leaves and branches moving
against each other. Duo listened intently for a sound that didn't
belong, the movements of an enemy.

There! Flashes of movement out of the corner of his eye. Duo flipped
and rolled, firing his gun into the rain filled forest, knowing that
it wasn't Heero, that Heero wouldn't have made a mistake like that!

There was a shout and a single groan. Duo rushed forward, keeping
low, gun barrel twitching this way and that for a new target. It
didn't find any. Duo found the dead bodies of the Oz soldiers, three
freshly dead and five stiff and obviously long since dead. Duo
ignored the old corpses and crouched by the new ones, checking to
make sure that they were indeed dead. Once confirmed, he searched
them carefully, relieving them of ammo, maps , and any papers he
could use to identify them and where they had come from. Stuffing
those things into his backpack, Duo then turned his attention to the
older corpses.

Duo froze, blood turning to ice and mind gibbering on the edge of
madness. Two of the men were in their uniforms, positioned in such a
way that told Duo that they had died fighting. The other three...
Duo's eyes were riveted on them, unable to look away, unable to move,
unable to stop the panic overwhelming him. Their pants were about
their ankles and they were grouped together facing a churned up spot
of mud and a broken post with a snapped cord attached to it. Someone
had fought for their life and won. The men had smashed in faces,
broken necks, and one had the broken part of the post jammed into his
heart.

This is a mission, a part of Duo's mind said. Recovery of an
irreplaceable pilot. His emotions shut down. His fear turned off.
Duo's face went blank as his training took over. The part of Duo that
Dr. G had honed to be a perfect pilot, the persona he had fostered in
Duo of the revenge seeking Shinigami, pried loose control from the
part of Duo's mind that had suddenly become a terrified child again.
Complete the mission, Duo was ordered, go mad from fear and memories
later.

Heero had escaped. Oz was wise to it. Reinforcements had found the
dead bodies and signs of Heero's escape. The woods, Duo thought, were
probably full of searchers. The men left behind had probably been a
detail to see to the corpses. It wouldn't be long before they were
missed and men were sent back to the area to investigate.

Duo put a new clip in his gun and kept it in his hand as he began
walking quickly. He had a mental map of the area and he knew Heero
and Heero's tactics. If the pilot of Wing was in any shape to make it
that far, he would naturally aim for a string of deep caves in the
mountains ahead of Duo. There he could rest in the even temperature
of the deeper recesses, and fool Oz equipment, until he could manage
to slip through the searchers and escape completely.

Common sense told Duo to give up the search. He had his answer.
Heero was alive. The man was capable of taking care of himself. He
would escape just as he had escaped the raping Oz soldiers behind
him. Any further search for Heero would only be compromising his own
safety.

Duo continued to walk towards the mountains. He refused to let his
mind give up mission mode. Doing that would have left him with the
madness and the knowledge that Heero had suffered what he would have
done anything to avoid ever going through again. Facing that
nightmare, facing Heero again, knowing how he had suffered, was
almost worse than believing that Heero had died.

Mission: recovery of pilot. Duo's mind repeated it again and again,
a mantra against the darkness threatening his mind. When Duo heard
the voice, he almost attributed it to his madness. When it came
again, Duo slowly turned, face going pale and gun twitching for a
target.

"Duo," Heero said for the third time, soft and insistent. He was
standing straight and he looked alert, though one of his eyes was
swollen shut and his face was a patchwork of bruises, busted lips,
and cuts. His hair was a matted, dark mess, half wet with rain and
full of dirt. He was wearing a filthy Oz uniform at least two sizes
too big, and his gun was drawn as well, waiting for Duo to recognize
him.

"Of course," Duo replied distantly. "You doubled back, slipped
through the search lines, and returned back to where you had been
captured to begin with. The enemy never expects that tactic."

Heero grimaced. "Good strategy, but it wasn't the one I implemented.
I passed out not far away and they missed me during the search. It
was only luck that I spotted you just now. A chance in a million."

Duo nodded. He was numb. It was too unexpected, finding Heero when
he had thought that he would spend days, if not weeks, searching for
him. He wasn't ready. He couldn't ask Heero the question that so
terrified him. Instead, to avoid it, he told himself, 'mission not
completed', and he continued to let his training control him.

Heero recognized the look on Duo's face. He had seen it before on
other missions. He knew it was a sign that Duo was very disturbed.
Instead of getting angry, instead of demanding to know why Duo had
broken all the rules and come after him, and instead of grabbing the
pilot of Deathscythe and holding him tight, glad to have lived to see
him again, Heero bottled up his emotions in a perfect copy of Duo and
said briskly. "Let's get out of here, now."

***

Duo didn't change after they alluded Oz patrols and reached the safe
house. He didn't reply to any of the other pilot's questions, running
upstairs after dropping his pack on the floor, ignoring Wu Fei's sour
comments that , 'now that he was done jeopardizing the war effort,
perhaps he could manage to prepare for the next mission?', Quatre's
worried demands to know if he was hurt and the shocked exclamation
when he saw how badly Heero was hurt, and Trowa's silent appraisal
that criticized so much without saying a word.

Still numb, inside and out, Duo showered extensively, crouching in
the hot spray of water after he was done and simply staring at the
water going down the drain until hot turned to cold and he was forced
to get out.

After toweling off his hair, Duo braided it as if it were a lifeline
that had to stop him from falling a thousand feet, and then dressed
heavily as if his clothing was armor against attack. He even put on a
leather jacket and zipped it up to his neck, hands sinking into the
pockets as he climbed onto his bed and huddled there, eyes on nothing
as he tried with all that was in him not to think, not to release the
control that was keeping him from screaming. When Heero finally came
upstairs, Duo ignored him.

Heero stared at the pilot of Deathscythe, noting his pale skin, his
perspiring brow, and his haunted, intense eyes. He was a detonator,
Heero realized, ready for the touch that would set him off, killing
everyone close to him. Heero sorted through possibilities as to the
cause, and then settled on one explanation. His jaw set and Heero
suddenly understood the battle he was fighting. Now, he thought as he
went to shower and dress his wounds, he had to make a battle plan.

Duo was still in the exact same position when Heero came from the
shower with a box of medical supplies. He was wearing white, cotton
shorts, his wounds revealed and obviously needing attention. Sitting
on the very end of the bed, Heero kept his back to Duo, defenseless.
He hated it. He wasn't trained to leave himself open like that, but,
for Duo, he thought, and Duo's peace of mind, he was wiling to do
that and more.

"I can't do this alone," Heero said, avoiding the fact that he could
have gone downstairs and had Trowa see to it. "Duo?"

Stiffly, and without a word, Duo slowly moved to kneel behind Heero.
Methodically, and professionally, he opened the medical kit and then
dressed Heero's wounds. Heero allowed the silence, letting Duo rest
in it, allowing him to grow comfortable with their closeness.

"They didn't rape me," Heero suddenly said, dropping his words into
the silence at last. "You found them, didn't you? I killed them
before they could do anything besides beat me. I'm all right, Duo.
You don't have to be afraid."

Duo let out a heaving, wracking sob. Control left him. His question
was answered, his horror unrealized. Heero was alive, safe, and
untouched. Duo could live again. He crawled into Heero's lap, tears
streaming, lips raining kisses on the face of his beloved.

"S-Sorry," Duo sobbed. "Sorry I couldn't face it!"

Heero held Duo lightly and stroked his hair, amazed that Duo was
allowing it, was actually initiating touching. It told Heero how
close Duo had come to the edge, how much he was relieved, how much he
had been afraid for Heero. That fear was gone now in Duo's
desperation to reassure himself that Heero was really there, that the
things he was saying were true and not some mad fantasy.

"I-I was afraid," Duo finally said, face pressed close to Heero's
ear. "I thought they'd stolen you from me. I thought you'd be like me
and we'd never- never be able to touch each other again. Two people,
torn by horror like that, can't- can't ... But they didn't." Heero
felt the smile against his skin. "You're still mine. We can still be
together.... Heero... can you... I need.... My mind is so fucked
up... I need to convince it that this is real... can you be with
me... please?"

Duo, begging him for sex? Heero was cautious. Experience told him
not to trust it, even as he watched Duo frantically peel off all of
his clothes. Duo seemed wild, his eyes intense. Letting him go on
with it, in that kind of mood, smacked too much of taking advantage
of him. Heero was afraid, later, when Duo cooled, he would be in
another mind set entirely and blame Heero.

"No," Heero said. "I'm wounded, exhausted, and you're upset. This
isn't the time, Duo."

Duo froze and then his eyes glittered with more tears. "It is," he
insisted. He yanked out the tie from his hair and raked his fingers
through the braid. It came loose in a semi dry state, heavy and
curling all around him. He stretched out on his back and gave Heero a
level, amethyst gaze as he said, half accusing. "It is if you're
telling me the truth about what happened."

Heero tensed. He met that gaze unflinchingly. "I am telling you the
truth. I won't fuck you to prove it."

Duo hooked hands under his own knees and lifted his legs. He gave
Heero a view that made Heero, despite his exhausted state, go hard
immediately. "Mission not completed," Duo stated simply and then
Heero understood where his strength was coming from. His training was
still there. He was still holding on to the edges of it, using it to
allow this. The pilot wasn't rescued yet, Heero understood, until he
proved that he hadn't suffered any fatal mental wounds from his
captivity.

"Mission completed," Heero whispered and pulled off his shorts. He
didn't come for Duo from the foot of the bed. That was too much like
an attack. Instead, he moved around the bed until he was close to
Duo's head, near Duo's hands, the hands that could be gentle in love
or deadly even without a weapon. Heero knew he had made the right
decision when Duo lowered his legs and relaxed.

Slowly, Heero touched Duo, just on the face at first, trailing
fingers over sensitive skin. Duo nuzzled into that touch, kissed
Heero's rough fingertips, and then came closer to kiss Heero's lips.
Heero drank that kiss, closed his eyes, and savored Duo's taste,
thrilling when Duo ran a tongue over his tingling, sore lips.

They made love in stops and starts, Heero alert to any fear or
hesitation in Duo. When it appeared, he waited with infinite
patience, holding himself back until Duo regained the mood, and then
began again. They ended in each others arms, Duo in Heero's lap,
straddling him, bringing his body down and enveloping Heero's
prepared cock. Enclosed in warmth and silky tightness, Heero groaned.
They clung together and rocked, kisses deep and passionate, hands
caressing, Duo's hair a chestnut curtain about them both.

"Hnn!" Duo moaned. "Love you, Baby! This feels... I need... I need
you..."

Heero knew what Duo needed. His large hand made a tight sheathe
about Duo's rigid cock and he began to stroke him as Duo pounded up
and down on top of his own cock in abandon. Both of their bodies
shuddered and strained, faces flushed with heat, breath coming in
rapid gasps, pain and wounds forgotten, as they both reached the
pinnacle at the same time and came together with a double shout.

They lay together afterwards, quiet, not speaking about what had
happened before their love making. In their violent lives, they
couldn't dwell on it. Mission completed, they both thought, forget
and go on to the next one.

Duo was content, already falling asleep and edging away from Heero,
curling into the defensive, alert ball he must have adopted as a
street child. Heero knew it as his cue to release him and seek his
own bed a few feet away. Heero had too many scars received from a
Shinigami startled out of sleep, to hope that they could spend the
night in each others arms. Someday, Heero thought, when war and
violence was something else they could put behind them and forget.

Heero left the bed, wincing as pain returned and wounds reminded him
of their presence. He stood for a moment, looking down at nothing,
collecting his thoughts and waiting for the pain to subside. It was
then that he saw his shorts. He bent carefully and picked them up, a
hand to his lower back to brace against the pain there.

Blood. Heero knotted the white shorts into a ball in one fist and
then made his way slowly to the bathroom, stride catching again and
again as pain shot up from his backside. He washed the shorts in the
washbasin, careful to remove any telltale signs, and then he stuck
them deep into a clothes hamper.

After cleaning himself up and treating himself as best he could,
Heero began to go back into the bedroom. As another wave of pain
washed over him, he leaned against the doorframe of the bathroom.
From there he could see Duo, his beautiful face relaxed in sleep. He
loved that young man beyond all reason, Heero thought, enough to do
anything, suffer anything, for Duo's peace of mind.... even lie.

***Owari***

I know! Pretty dark stuff! I was in a mood, what can I say? Sorry!

I'm going to be starting another series with 2x1 and 1x2. Heero gets
to be shy and Duo gets to be happy, hyper, and macho. (The annoying
baka syndrome for sure. Poor Heero! :) It's called.... dunno. Have to
see how it starts out.

Go to Part 24: All Inside

==========================================

Shinigami's Lover Arc 1: Part 24
Part 24: All Inside
by Kracken (signs@screaminet.com)

Disclaimer: I don't own them and I don't make any money off of this.
Warnings: Violence. Rape flashbacks. Angst. GRAPHIC. Language. (It
is very dark. You have been warned)

Support a starving artist, buy Kracken's book, The Storm, under
Della Boynton, at Amazon.com. For those of you who already have, big
hugs, kisses, and virtual pocky. Kracken is very grateful.
^_^

The Storm at Amazon.com
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/1589090691/
==========================================

"You can stop killing him now, Heero," Duo whispered harshly. "He
can only get dead once."

Heero backed away from the corpse of the Oz guard as he wiped his
mouth with the back of his hand. The man WAS very dead, neck broken,
larynx crushed, and... Heero hated himself when he saw what the
object of his fury had been. He had lost control. He regained it with
an effort, nodding once at Duo before moving into the corridor of the
manufacturing plant the man had been guarding.

Duo looked down at the guard as he passed him, following close
behind Heero. He noticed the damage as well. Instead of being
outraged, he felt a grim satisfaction. It was gruesome, but far
healthier for Heero to let out the aggression, built up by his near
rape by Oz soldiers, than to hold it in and pretend it had never
happened. Duo had already tried that tactic and he knew how
ineffective it was. Sooner or later, the kettle full of anger and
pain, boiled over and exploded. What did it matter to a dead man
anyway, Duo thought, that his genitals had been used as Heero's
punching bag?

They reached the manufacturing floor and slipped into shadows behind
equipment. A few men were wandering about, checking the new shipment
of mobile suits one more time before they were loaded onto a carrier
to wreak havoc on the colonists. The guards were standing and
talking, guns holstered and attitudes cocky. Even in their wildest
dreams, they never imagined that anyone would be foolish enough to
come into the very heart of their domain and try to stop their evil
from being carried out. That cockiness was going to prove fatal for
both them and their machines of death.

Duo handed Heero a detonator. There were two. He held the other one
in a pocket of his tight fitting, black jacket. No matter what
happened, the explosives Duo was about to lay were going to be blown,
even if he was still carrying them at the time. The mission couldn't
fail. The war would be lost in a day if those suits were allowed to
be delivered. The colonists wouldn't have a chance against them.

Duo grinned. Shinigami gave Heero a steady look, ready to die and
ready to kill as he died, but it was pure Duo who leaned in to seize
a kiss from Heero's welcoming lips. "Together," Duo said softly as he
ended the kiss.

"Even in death," Heero added solemnly.

Duo cocked his head, eyes sparkling. "Forever, in life or death," he
finished and then broke away and stealthily began to hunt for the
places they had carefully chosen to set the bombs in.

Heero followed Duo with his eyes, but his gaze flicked constantly to
the guards, hating them, feeling the need to kill them, knowing he
would if they so much as twitched in Duo's direction. He had his gun
in one hand, trained on them, and in the other he held the detonator,
ready to sacrifice his love for the sake of the mission and to keep
Duo from getting captured and suffering what he had gone through not
a few months before; brutality at the hands of Oz.

Duo was as limber and as agile as a monkey, slim body swinging and
climbing in and out of the maintenance scaffolding surrounding the
suits easily. His fragile appearance was deceptive. He had strong
hands and stronger shoulders. He set each bomb with meticulous
accuracy, never faltering no matter how far out on thin supports he
had to walk or how far he had to hang by one hand while he set the
charges.

Perfect, Heero thought, feeling a warm pride in his lover's
abilities. That pride turned to consternation as Duo hooked knees
around a scaffolding strut. Falling backwards, he hung upside down by
those knees and twisted his body around in an extreme arc. When Duo
reached to plant a bomb, Hero understood. The scaffolding had been
partially dismantled in preparation to take that particular suit out
for loading first. The walkway that would have given Duo access to
the bomb site was missing. He was improvising in typical Duoesque
fashion.

Two men came walking from the other side of the mobile suit,
laughing, heads together as they compared check notes. Duo froze, one
hand keeping him in position against the Gundam and his other hand
reaching for his gun. It was an automatic gesture, one he stopped as
soon as it was begun. There wasn't going to be a fire fight out of
that place. There was only two ways to exit, by stealth with the
bombs set to blow, or by detonator and death. Duo's braid swung as
his head turned. His eyes found Heero's all the way across the
manufacturing floor. He put a finger to his lips. Heero understood.
Duo wanted a chance to extricate himself. He had a plan.

The Oz guards were beginning to pick up their gear and move towards
the front of the huge metal doors. It was getting very near loading
time. They didn't have much time left. The two men on the scaffolding
were making their way down. When they reached the next level, where
Duo was hanging, they couldn't help but see him. If they called an
alarm now... Heero's hand was sweaty on the detonator. A few seconds
was all he could grant the man whom he loved more than anything or
anyone else on Earth or in Space.

Duo dropped. Heero's breath caught involuntarily. Duo landed safely
on the scaffolding below him, rolled, and dropped another level. The
vibration of his impact was hidden by the rumble of huge, metal
doors, beginning to be rolled back, and the heavy tread of the two
men above him.

Duo descended the entire scaffolding in that manner, taking hard
impacts and slipping almost to his death more than once. He didn't
slow for caution though. Duo knew as well as Heero that time had run
out. When his feet hit the floor, he threw himself into the shadows.
Heero ran to join him.

"Status," Heero whispered as Duo untangled himself from a backpack
empty of bombs.

"Bombs set," Duo shot back. "Time?"

"Enough," Heero replied and Duo nodded. Enough time to escape if Duo
hadn't hurt himself, Heero thought, as he took the lead at a
pantherish run that was both stealthy, soundless, and swift. Duo
followed, but he was lagging. When Heero exited the manufacturing
plant and darted towards the cut in the fence they had made earlier,
Duo was still several lengths behind.

Time. The alarm on Heero's watch beeped as he squeezed through the
fence and kept on running. The first Gundam was being rolled out for
transport. It had to be stopped at all costs, even though the price
was their lives. Heero hit his detonator button, knowing he wasn't
completely clear and knowing that Duo behind him, certainly wasn't.
At the same time, Duo, still managing a staggering run across the
tarmac, hit his detonator as well, knowing that he might catch the
blast in the back and that Heero's retreating back wasn't safe
either. One of them had to survive though, they both thought, in case
the suits weren't completely destroyed.

Duo made the fence as the first bombs detonated. He felt something
strike him hard across the shoulders and gouge into his ribs.
Crawling through the fence on his hands and knees, heat lashed Duo's
skin and more debris, some as big as cars, started falling to earth
in groundshaking thuds all around him.

Duo crawled out on the other side. The fence caught some of the
smaller debris with metallic pings as he threw himself towards the
forest and the faint path Heero had taken. More bombs detonated and
the suits themselves began to explode and catapult out of the
warehouse.

A hard hand grabbed Duo by the collar and jerked him along the
ground in a dizzying maneuver that had him twisting and flailing
frantically. A metal shard stabbed into his calf. Another sliced him
across a cheek. When the half of a suit came plowing into the ground,
and passed him by smoking and gouting flames, Duo screamed
involuntarily as the earth jumped and his insides turned inside out.
He had a wild view of a darkening sky, faint stars, and then a huge
chunk of suit flying toward him as if in slow motion. He tried to get
his legs under him, warn his rescuer, whom he assumed was Heero, but
it was already too late. Duo felt a sharp pain in his head, an
explosion of light and blood, and then he tumbled into darkness.

***

A conversation was going on over Duo's head. Angry voices rumbled
down into his subconscious, picking horrible memories out of the
place where he had tried to keep them hidden away from even himself.

"Cut it off?"

"It's burned and full of mud and... vomit," another, more
compassionate voice said. "I'll soak it and work the knots out. It
will be okay."

"You know what I mean," the harsher voice said. "If we take him to a
hospital, they'll recognize him instantly by that foolish braid. He's
been on all the vid screens. He's the only one of us, besides Heero,
that Oz knows by sight."

"Trowa-"

"Isn't a surgeon! He can't treat someone with severe head trauma. We
don't have time to stand and worry about Duo's vanity! He may be in a
coma. He may be bleeding inside of his skull. Get me the scissors and
we'll do as you asked. We'll take him to a hospital."

"You don't understand! That'll kill him too! That braid means
everything to him!"

The voices rose as the argument raged. A hand took hold of Duo's
braid. He felt the tug on his scalp. It sent him screaming into Hell,
memory opening like the bleeding wounds on his body. Another hand had
hold of his hair, only his hair was loose, not braided, and it was
much shorter. The argument, though, was the same.

"We'll get more money for him with that hair! Don't cut it!"

"I'm sick of washing it out! Look at it now, stringy mess full of-"

"Make him wash it then! He's old enough."

There was a chuckle as hands ran over Duo's body and pulled him
close into a rough embrace. "Old enough for a lot of things," a voice
said into his ear.

Tangled inbetween adult bodies on a worn mattress, Duo kept his eyes
squeezed shut, wondering if he was going to die, hoping he was going
to die, wishing more than anything for release of any kind from the
pain and violation. The hand stayed knotted in his hair to hold him
still and the bodies moved even closer as the other man laughed too
and reached out for him.

Duo screamed as he arched off of his bed. Hands tried to restrain
him, but he fought back. He lashed out with deadly force, eyes
dazzled by light and surroundings that were different from his
memory. His fists flailed the air as tubes and plastic lines jangled
and tore from needles. Wounds reopened and some grew worse. His head
throbbed and felt ready to explode.

"Do you want some water, Duo?" A gentle, familiar voice said. "I
know you like coffee, but water is better for you now."

Confusion reigned. Duo blinked and shuddered, breath wheezing in and
out of his lungs as he panted and threatened the empty air all around
him.

"What kind of stunt were you and Yuy trying to pull?" Another
familiar voice interjected. "The two of you looked like raw meat when
we pulled you out of the truck. I don't even know how Yuy managed to
drive. I've never seen such a sloppy operation!"

"Duo, take these pain killers," yet another, quieter voice said.
"You can drink them with the water Quatre is getting for you."

Duo choked on a sob. Things slowly sorted themselves out in his
mind. Painfully, he separated the here and now from the past, eyes
focusing on Trowa on his right, Wu Fei on his left, and Quatre by the
door, poised as if he were really going to get some water and not
just saying so to bring Duo's mind back into focus.

"S'all right," Duo croaked as he collapsed back onto his pillows.
"What h'ppened?"

Trowa very carefully approached and began rehooking the lines back
into the needles in Duo's arms. "You were caught in an explosion. You
and Heero were both covered in shrapnel and contusions. You have a
very bad head wound and you've been unconscious for nearly a day."

"I thought we were dead," Duo murmured as he frowned, trying to
remember, and then his mind came into sharper focus and he started
fearfully. He dug a hand into Trowa's sweater. "Tell me!" he
demanded. "Tell me Heero's all right!"

"Shut up and stop bleeding on everyone!" Wu Fei snapped back
gruffly. "Heero's fine! He's sleeping in Trowa and Quatre's room."

Duo released Trowa with a sigh of relief, but it was punctuated by a
groan as well. Now that his adrenalin was running out, the pain was
coming back with a vengeance. Wincing, Duo lifted his blanket to see
the damage for himself. He was almost head to toe bandages. What
wasn't bandaged was bruised. It should have hurt a lot more. He
looked at Trowa suspiciously and then at the hanging bags of solution
by the bed. His practiced eye found the right one and he yanked out
the needle. "No drugs. They give me episodes. I'd rather not kill my
nurses."

Trowa shrugged. "Your decision, but I'll put it back when you start
screaming." When, not if, Duo noticed and gritted his teeth.

"I don't need a damn hospital either," Duo growled.. "They'll FORCE
the drugs on me. I might say something and jeopardize everyone." He
eyed Wu Fei who was scowling right back. "I never thought that you
would be the one to forget that and risk it, even to save my life."

Wu Fei glared, but he didn't say anything to that. It was Quatre who
came to his defense. "I insisted, Duo, but only if Trowa couldn't
stabilize you. Wu Fei was just trying to make the best of my... bad
decision. I guess it was a bad decision. I can't help thinking with
my heart." The blonde Arabian sighed and hung his head. "I guess I
would have realized how stupid that decision was and stopped myself
in the end. I know the sacrifices we have to make."

The room spun and grayed. Duo fought unconsciousness, wanting to
make certain of several things before he allowed himself to pass out.
"The mission was successful?"

"Yes," Trowa replied without hesitation. "We wouldn't be here,
treating you, if it hadn't been. We would be out finishing up the
job."

"Glad someone has their priorities straight," Duo hissed. He rubbed
at his eyes. He couldn't clear them. The room was out of focus,
everyone's faces frowning blurs. "If I get worse instead of better,
remember those priorities, Trowa. Don't let Quatre get soft."

Quatre grumbled angrily. "Don't worry about me," he said seethingly.

Duo nodded to the direction of the voice. "Good. Sorry, Quatre. You
know we're best buds and all, but..."

"I know," Quatre replied, softer. "It's okay."

Duo let go then and slipped into painless sleep with Wu Fei's words
in his ears.

"Strap him down this time," Wu Fei grumbled as he touched a bruise
along his face. "He almost snapped my neck."

***

"Heero, you are such a dick head!" Duo snarled as Wu Fei carried him
into Trowa and Quatre's room. Heero was propped up on the bed, face
bruised and eyes unreadable. He watched Wu Fei lower Duo into a chair
beside the bed and felt a sinking feeling of trepidation when Duo
impatiently motioned the Chinese pilot to go away as if he were a
servant. Wu Fei scowled, grumbling something under his breath as he
went away, closing the door behind him.

"I can take care of myself," Heero said at once. "You should still
be in bed."

That hurt, but Duo didn't show it. "Take care of yourself?" Duo
demanded. "How have you been doing that? You can't get out of bed and
you've been using a bed pan. The guys told me that you won't let them
close to you to even change your bandages. What the Hell is going on
in that head of yours, Baby?"


Duo's voice had raised to a shout. It hurt his head and made the
room spin. He bent over and took several deep breaths. "Duo?" Heero
asked anxiously. "Please go back to bed and don't worry about me. If
you pass out, I won't be able to help you."

Duo's eyes shot up and he straightened with an effort. "Did you say
what I think you just said? Did Heero Yuy just admit that he couldn't
do something?"

"My back," Heero admitted. "I compressed several disks getting out
of the way of that chunk of flying mobile suit. I can't stand without
my knees buckling."

Duo remembered the huge mass of metal flying towards them. He had
been so certain that he had been about to die. "I didn't think you
saw it. I thought-"

"We almost died, Duo. It was a very close thing," Heero admitted.
"We both need to stay in bed and recover."

Duo nodded, mind still on that frightening memory. He snapped back
to the present sharply and glared. "Yes, we both need to recover
Heero. We both need help to do that. If I can let Wu Fei carry me
without trying to slit his throat, I think you can do the same." When
Heero didn't reply, Duo risked more pain by exploding in
exasperation. "What is it, Heero? Damned pride? Can't you admit that
you're human and that you can get hurt? Can't you admit that you need
help?"

Heero still said nothing, cobalt blue eyes staring hard at nothing,
hands gripped together on top of the blanket. His knuckles were
white. Duo stared at them, trying to understand and unable to. The
man he loved could still be such a mystery to him.

Duo carefully leaned forward and braced himself against the bed. He
reached out to Heero and Heero tentatively took his hand. His fingers
rubbed Duo's skin, his fingers, the palm of his hand. He brought it
to his torn lips and kissed it passionately.

"I lost control," Heero said at last, looking at Duo's hand as if he
were talking to it. "The pain... the weakness... I wasn't thinking
clearly. I kept seeing everyone as an enemy."

Duo nodded grimly. "You stepped into my shoes for a little while,"
he said. "You had a taste of what my life is like. Now that you're
clear headed, get back into your own shoes. Let the guys take care of
you. You know that you can trust them."

"I heard you screaming," Heero replied, changing the subject and
yet, Duo had a feeling that he wasn't really changing it at all.

Duo shrugged. "Trowa gave me some drugs. They made me stupid. I
didn't know where I was when I woke up. I thought..." He stopped.

Heero sat up higher on his pillows, hissed in pain, and held Duo's
hand tighter. "Tell me what you thought."

Duo half smiled. "So you can have nightmares too? No."

Heero was very serious. "Please, Duo, tell me."

Duo's smile dropped. He was silent for a long moment and then he
replied simply, "Why?" Heero's grip was painful. Duo stared at it and
saw Heero's hands on his tremble ever so slightly. "It was a
nightmare about my pimps," Duo replied quickly, before he could
change his mind. "They were fighting over whether to cut my hair off.
They didn't like taking care of it. I woke up and Wu Fei, Trowa, and
Quatre were having the same conversation. I freaked out. That's why I
was screaming. I didn't know where I was."

Heero released Duo's hand and he crossed his arms about his waist,
holding himself tight. He looked very vulnerable just then and Duo
was becoming frightened. What was wrong with the man who had always
been his rock, the person Duo had always trusted to be unfailingly
strong?

"Those people are gone. On L2," Heero said. "Why can't you forget
them? Why do you always have to be afraid?"

Duo had thought that Heero understood. To suddenly find out that he
didn't was almost more than Duo could handle. He shook his head and
sat back in his chair, hands hanging laxly between his knees. "They
put a collar on me, Heero, like I was a dog. It had a tag with their
address and the name... 'bitch' inscribed on it. I was just an animal
to them. For more than a year they let men rut on me and every night,
for more than a year, they made me sleep with them so they could get
their sick little jollies too. Do you really think that I could ever
forget falling asleep in their stinking arms and then waking up in
them too? Do you think I can ever 'get over' being thrown back and
forth between men like a piece of meat? My mind says, 'yeah, it's
over and they're hopefully dead', but my body still cringes. My body
still thinks someone is going to pin me down and do me. I still wake
up screaming, feeling them touching me. Sometimes, Hell, Heero,
sometimes I don't even have to be asleep to feel that. It just
happens, feeling their hands.... kind of like a guy with an amputated
leg swearing he can still feel it there. I can't forget because my
body won't let me."

Heero had gone very pale. He nodded as if Duo had confirmed
something for him. He seemed to change the subject, but, yet again,
Duo felt that he wasn't as Heero said, "When I was trained, they
raped me to make me immune to it, so that I wouldn't break under that
kind of torture." His tone was brisk, matter of fact. "The men who
did it... it wasn't personal. They didn't seem to enjoy it. It was
just a... function. It never bothered me because... they explained it
before it happened. I was prepared. I was ready to endure it. When we
made love, I never once thought of that time. I wasn't afraid. I
wasn't afraid of people touching me."

Duo heard the change at the end. He frowned and then suddenly drew
into a ball, ignoring the agonizing pain it caused him. He buried his
face against his knees and wrapped his arms about himself. "I don't
want to hear any more!" he whimpered, hating himself, feeling weak, a
coward, but he didn't want to understand what Heero was trying to
tell him.

Heero went on though, relentless. "I've been avoiding you since I
escaped from those Oz soldiers. I knew that it had affected me. They
were brutal. It chipped my training and ... it wasn't impersonal,
what they did. I wasn't prepared for it, the brutality, the way they
acted, laughing and enjoying it. I suddenly knew why you.. why you do
the things you do. I found myself doing them too, avoiding being
touched or being close to the other pilots. Something bone deep
inside of me won't be reasoned with logically. So, I'm asking you
now. How do I deal with it? How do I..."

Duo put his hands over his head as if to shield himself from a blow.
His voice had a hysterical edge to it. "Deal with what?! You told me
nothing happened!! Nothing happened, Heero! Nothing!"

Heero withdrew, going guarded. His inner turmoil had made him
reckless. He had said too much. His own need to overcome the
debilitating fear he felt had made him forget the fragility of Duo's
sanity. "They beat me and..., " Heero swallowed, trying not to lie.
Duo would know, he felt. The young pilot's sense for that was too
keen. "They tortured me, Duo. It was brutal. I can't compare it to
what you must have gone through, but it did affect me. I can't- I
can't accept that. I have to close the chink in my training that they
created. I have to forget and not let it jeopardize my ability to
fight and to deal with the other pilots. I can't let it affect how I
treat you."

Duo was quiet for more than five minutes, huddling in his chair,
trembling with fear and pain. Finally, he allowed himself to believe
Heero, to retreat back into the world where rape hadn't happened to
Heero Yuy, only a brutal beating that had left him sensitive to
people.

"You must hate me," Duo said from the shelter of his arms. "I'm
shaking like a girl; terrified. You must think... how can you even
stand me? How can you want me when I sit here..."

Heero replied calmly, pushing his own fears and self doubt aside to
do what he did best, comfort and help his lover; reclaim him from the
nightmare his own weakness had tumbled Duo into. "You hung, upside
down, off of a thin scaffolding support bar, to plant a bomb on a
mobile suit two stories above a concrete floor swarming with armed Oz
soldiers. You are the bravest man I know, Duo, and I could never not
respect you."

Duo looked up then, mouth open slightly in shock. He found his
tongue. "Really?" When Heero only met his gaze grimly, he found a
smile. "Guess you wouldn't just say something like that to make me
feel better," Duo guessed. "You're always too ready to chew me out
when I screw up."

Heero nodded and then frowned, looking down at his hands gripping
the blankets again.

Duo noticed, licked nervous lips, and then said, "Heero, you're the
one that taught me to overcome my fear of you. Have you forgotten
that? Desensitizing therapy, remember? You made me touch you, little
by little, until it didn't make me react any longer. You made my body
get used to it and to not expect to get hurt. Why can't it work for
you too?" Duo eyed the side of the bed, the climb to Heero, knowing
that Heero couldn't help him. "Can I... If I can get up there on the
bed, you can touch me, okay? We'll just be together, not doing
anything."

"Duo, " Heero began, thinking of how badly Duo was injured and how
much it was costing him just to sit upright in the chair. He stopped
himself before he uttered a negative, though. He needed to overcome
the fear. He couldn't live with it. He had to defeat it. "Come," he
said shortly in assent.

Duo nodded and made the climb. It was almost impossible. Duo nearly
gave up, but he gritted his teeth and Heero risked more back injury
to help him by pulling on him. Finally, Duo was lying next to Heero
on the bed, the room going in and out of focus and his heart beating
wildly from the pain. He waited for Heero's next move while he
recovered.

Heero didn't move. He was lying against his pillows, arms wrapped
about himself defensively again. Duo sighed and tried to think what
words could motivate Heero. It was ridiculously easy.

"Heero, you are in a lot of pain, aren't you?" Duo asked.

"Yes," Heero admitted reluctantly.

"You're filthy too. You stink," Duo said with a wrinkle of his nose,
knowing he wasn't much better. He, himself, was covered in
medications, alcohol rubs, and antiseptics. Anything above a sponge
bath hadn't been possible because of his stitches and bandages.

"Your point?" Heero wondered acidly.

"You know you need to take care of things. You're in pain and you
are probably wild with discomfort," Duo continued logically.

"Yes," Heero replied, almost impatiently now.

"Yet you are stubbornly refusing help from the people who can give
you what you need, who can help you."

Heero made an exasperated noise. "You are stating known facts."

Duo went in for the kill. "Known facts, yet you don't know what
those facts add up to."

"And what is that?"

Duo met Heero's eyes, held them, and tried to make him understand.
"If you can suffer so much NOT to be touched, not to let people close
to you, then where is your strength to do just the opposite? At least
you get a reward for it." He added, knowing how it would sting
Heero's pride, "I let Wuffie touch me and carry me in here. It wasn't
easy, not by a long shot, but my reward was seeing you. I think that
was worth it. It's always been worth it." He drove his point home. "I
hope you aren't going to tell me that there's something I can do that
you can't?"

"No," Heero replied with a growl and then let out a long breath,
"Little baka, you are-"

"The love of your life?" Duo chuckled.

Heero almost laughed, but his troubles wouldn't leave so easily. "I
wish it were as simple as you are trying to make it out to be."

Duo went serious as well. "Heero..., I don't want to act like what
happened to you was a little thing, but... I have let people close to
me. I have stopped screaming when any man touches me. I have let you
have sex with me. Because of your help and your love, I can do those
things. Oz abused you, but, they didn't slap a collar on you, call
you 'bitch', and own you for over a year. They didn't let other guys
do everything imaginable to you, as some things you can't imagine."
Duo swallowed hard, going pale, but he plowed on, determined to say
what he knew he had to. "Hell, yes I'm still afraid, but I'm learning
to make a life past it, learning to live with it, learning not to let
it control me, keeping the people I care about away from me. If I can
do that, after everything I've gone through, then you can too." Duo
took Heero's hand in his. It wasn't trembling. It was rock steady.
Duo's own hand wasn't so firm. "Take the first step, Heero. Don't
chicken out on me now."

"They may have put a collar on you," Heero said quietly, "but they
never owned you, Duo."

Duo smiled shakily. "Thank you," he whispered and then waited.

Heero slowly reached out and cupped Duo's face. As if he were giving
Duo a thorough medical exam, and maybe he was in his mind, he touched
every bruise, every wound, every bandage. It was as if he were
discovering Duo's body for the first time. He had known rape, but he
hadn't known that someone could be sadistic, could enjoy doing that
to someone, could degrade a person so much. His training had fallen
short of reality and it had failed him in the worst way. It was a
revelation that he could only partially share with Duo. Heero had to
keep his secret, for the rest of his life, he determined. Duo
couldn't ever find out that the Oz soldiers had gone beyond
brutality. It was his cross to bear, he thought, as he lifted Duo's
gold cross aside and touched the pilot's pink nipples. They hardened
under his fingers.

Duo pulled his robe closed over them and very carefully eased
against Heero. He found a small spot, not covered by bandages, on
Heero's chest and pillowed his head there. Sighing as if he had a
found a new home, Duo closed his eyes.

"I'll never touch you unless you want me too," Duo whispered, the
same words Heero always said to him.

"I want you to," Heero replied and caressed Duo's chestnut hair.

"And the others?" Duo persisted.

Heero paused, gritted his teeth, and then nodded. "The others too."

"Good," Duo chuckled. "Because you stink, Yuy!"

"So do you," Heero replied.

"Too tired now to do anything about it," Duo said around a yawn.
"Let's rest and then we can find out just how brave you are."

"Never as brave as you," Heero replied in return and then let his
eyelids drop closed as exhaustion, both mentally and physically, over
took him.

***

Wu Fei had been waiting outside the room for Duo to call him. After
pacing for an eternity, he finally swore under his breath and decided
to take matters into his own hands. He had repairs to make on his
Gundam and he didn't want to play nurse maid to Duo Maxwell.

Wu Fei gave a polite knock and entered the room. He stopped at once
and flushed uncertainly when he saw the two pilots in bed together.
When he realized that they were curled up and both asleep, Wu Fei
felt a tension release inside of him he hadn't known was there.

Heero's odd reluctance to let anyone treat him had worried Wu Fei.
It had seemed too much like Duo for comfort and Wu Fei had begun to
wonder about Heero's sanity. He touched the new mark on his face,
over topping a still fresh one. Duo hadn't allowed himself to be
picked up easily. There had been a brief fight until Duo had regained
control of himself. The braided pilot's strength of determination had
always amazed Wu Fei. He knew what Duo overcame each time he allowed
himself to be touched. If Heero had suffered something to make him as
reluctant as Duo, then only Duo was capable of helping him get
through it.

So much strength in such a little, loud mouthed package, Wu Fei
thought, and found himself smiling warmly. He wiped it from his face
in the next moment, composed himself, and then went to stand guard on
the door. Those two needed time to sort themselves out, Wu Fei
thought, and he was the one to help them have that time.

Quatre came from the stairs, looking at Wu Fei curiously. He frowned
at Wu Fei disapprovingly in the next instant. "You didn't...! Wu Fei!
Did you let Duo out of bed?"

"He is a man!" Wu Fei shot back. "If he wants to kill himself, that
is his business."

Quatre started towards the now closed door. "This is madness! I'm
going to put him back to bed!"

Wu Fei put an arm out and stopped the blonde Arabian. "No," he
replied. "They are in bed."

Quatre blinked and then blushed furiously. "T-They are?"

"Yes," Wu Fei replied with a stone faced expression.

Wu Fei could see erotic thoughts running through Quatre's mind, his
face turning red all the way to his ears. "Amazing!" Quatre finally
breathed, wondering how two half dead pilots could even consider
having a tryst.

"Yes, they are," Wu Fei agreed. "Give them their time."

Quatre nodded and then smiled at Wu Fei despite his worry. "Get you
a chair?"

"Please," Wu Fei replied.

Quatre looked at the door and then said again as he turned away to
fetch the chair, "Really amazing!"

Owari

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Go to Part 25: Facing Demons

==========================================

Shinigami's Lover Arc 1: Part 25
Part 25: Facing Demons
by Kracken (signs@screaminet.com)

Disclaimer: I don't own them and I don't make any money off of this.
Warnings: Heavy angst. Guys talking about having sex with guys.
Violence. Language. Graphic.

Support a starving artist, buy Kracken's book, The Storm, at
amazon.com under Della Boynton. For all of you who bought my book,
thank you! Books Two and Three of the series can be read online at
www.jhanian.com. If you have ANY trouble at all acquiring the sequels
this way, please email me and let me know. I refuse to have ANY
unhappy fans! ^_^

The Storm at Amazon.com

==========================================

"You are troubled," Wu Fei said as Duo shifted weight yet again and
sighed.

Seated in front of Wu Fei, Duo cracked open an eye and then opened
them both in defeat when he saw the Chinese pilot looking back at him.

"Is it your wounds?" Wu Fei wondered. "They should be healed by now."

"No, it's not that," Duo replied and fiddled with the end of his
long, chestnut braid, impish face serious. "I can't stop thinking."

The run down room, floor covered in exercise mats and a few weight
machines against a wall, was very quiet, removed from the rest of the
safe house by a long hallway and a thick door. It was perfect for
meditation, whitewashed walls and spartan interior giving little
distraction, if one didn't bring the distraction into the room with
him, Wu Fei thought.

In a loose, black tee shirt and a pair of black, jersey pants, Duo's
pale skin and sparkling purple eyes were startling and ethereal. He
looked light as air or as transparent as the sun coming through a
nearby window, yet Wu Fei knew that slim body held a dangerous
strength and a dangerous mind. Wu Fei never treated either lightly or
allowed himself to grow complacent, even when the self proclaimed
Shinigami seemed to offer a modicum of trust by sitting down near him
and daring to close his eyes.

"Perhaps we should do this another time," Wu Fei suggested.

Duo smiled. "You can ask me, you know."

Wu Fei raised an eyebrow. "What would I ask? It's not honorable to
ask for information of a personal nature. That is something to be
offered."

"Ah," Duo acknowledged with a small nod. He was silent, staring down
at his fiddling fingers and the end of his braid. "Uh, well, it's
Heero. I don't know how you feel about us being... 'together', but we
haven't had any 'together' since Heero was in that screwed up mission
a few months back."

Wu Fei scowled. "This is too personal!" he protested. "I am not the
one to ask about such things. Quatre and Trowa perhaps.... they share
your... inclinations."

"Sorry." Duo threw his braid behind his shoulder and stood up. He
stretched his back until it cracked, reaching his lithe body up
towards the ceiling. Wu Fei found himself staring and Duo caught him
at it. Smirking, Duo joked, "Are you sure you don't share my
inclinations?"

Wu Fei could hear the edge in his voice and the brittleness behind
the smile. A land mine. He scowled fiercer and then closed his eyes
as if he were going to begin meditating again. It was a position
vulnerable enough to calm Duo and bring him back from what ever dark
thoughts had begun to form.

"I hate all of this relationship crap!" Duo grumbled.

Wu Fei said simply, with his eyes still closed, "Then end it. If
Heero has decided to forgo your companionship-"

"I didn't SAY that!" Duo protested hotly, crossing his arms over his
chest. "I just meant that he seems as Heero like as ever, but...
well... shit! Wu Fei! You aren't making this easy! I don't want to
sound like a complaining wife, or anything, but that's just the way
it's going! I'm not GETTING any Wu Fei! That's it, bottom line!"

Talking about sex with Duo Maxwell was another land mine. Wu Fei
sidestepped it with skill by saying, "Talk to Heero."

Duo pulled at his shirt irritably, stretching the black material at
the collar as if he was ready to strangle himself. His purple eyes
were pained. "I can't."

Wu Fei waited. Duo paced the cushioned floor, black stocking feet
silent. Duo faced him again and said very low and viciously, "I can't
because half of me is glad and the other half isn't. I can't ask him
for something I'm not sure I really want. It's been good, don't get
me wrong, but it's... well, it's always a struggle. Maybe Heero just
doesn't want to deal with it any more."

"Maybe Heero is tired," Wu Fei countered, keeping his tone and his
words neutral. They could have been talking about tired of
exercising, tired of food, or tired of the war. He left Duo to fill
in his own sexual interpretation. "A warrior will grow tired of the
battle. He can't always fight."

Duo nodded. He plopped down in a sitting position again, cross
legged. "Maybe that's all it is. Maybe we both need a rest. I was
just worried that-"

"You know that would never happen," Wu Fei retorted, cutting off
foolishness.

Duo gave Wu Fei a lopsided grin. "I guess he would have cut me loose
a long time ago if he didn't really love me." Wu Fei shifted,
uncomfortable. "Oh, sorry." Duo chuckled, and then amended, "If he
didn't want to be my lifelong, sworn companion in battle."

Wu Fei gave a slow nod and said sternly, "Now, if you are done
simpering like an onna, perhaps we should meditate?"

"I lost the mood, I think," Duo replied glumly.

Wu Fei grunted. "Putting yourself 'in the mood' at will is part of
the technique."

Duo puzzled over his words, hearing a double meaning. He sighed. "I
guess you're right. I'll try." His answer covered both levels of Wu
Fei's comment and he felt himself relax. He had spent a life time
dealing with his own problems. He hadn't been very good at dealing
with Heero's. Now that it was his problem again, it was nice to
already have a solution. Heero had obviously grown tired of Duo's
reluctance. It was now up to Duo to do something about that.

"Thanks, Wu Fei," Duo said in relief.

"Meditate," Wu Fei growled.

"I just wanted to say-"

"Onna."

"Hmph," Duo snorted, blowing his wild, chestnut bangs into the air
in annoyance. "Whatever." He composed himself and was satisfied to
feel the welcome calmness of meditation steal over him.

***

"Duo?" Wu Fei saw the pilot of Deathscythe huddled in a dark corner
of the attic. It was cold. Wu Fei's breath misted the air as he
climbed up off of the ladder and stood, half crouched in the cramped
space. "We've been looking everywhere for you."

Duo's eyes were half closed, his knees held tightly to his chest
with his arms wrapped around them. His pale face was tense, his mouth
set in a hard line. The livid, swollen bruise covering part of his
cheek and one eye told Wu Fei the story without a word from Duo's
lips.

"He hit you, didn't he?" Wu Fei said unnecessarily, trying to draw
Duo out of whatever mood he had screwed himself into.

"I'm leaving!" Duo said viciously, not looking at Wu Fei, but
drawing tighter into himself. "I'm not putting up with this shit! I
won't stay here and be asshole's punching bag! I know when I'm not
wanted. Deathscythe and me will do just fine solo." He blinked tears,
wiped them harshly away.

Wu Fei looked around the cold attic. "If you want to run away, then
why are you hiding up here?" His voice said the words 'run' and
'hiding' with contempt. He saw Duo flinch.

"I am not running or hiding!" Duo snarled back. "I came here to
think, to be alone, to get out of the Perfect Jerk's reach, so I
could figure out what to do!" He stood like a spring, fists clenched
and amethyst eyes manic. Wu Fei went into a defensive crouch, unsure
what Duo intended, but Duo continued to snarl, "I'm not stupid!
Somebody hits you once, they keep on hitting you. Heero and me are
through!"

"The war-," Wu Fei began, but Duo cut him off.

"This has nothing to do with the war!" Duo reassured him. "I'm still
going on missions, I'm just not living under the same roof with Heero
Yuy."

Wu Fei nodded as he turned towards the ladder. He said, without
looking at Duo. "You are insufferable at times, and I will admit to
having felt the urge to punch you on several occasions. It doesn't
seem odd to me that Heero would wish to do the same... yet, it isn't
like him, Duo. I don't lose control. Heero doesn't lose control."

"Well, he did!" Duo retorted.

"Then maybe you should wonder why?" Wu Fei suggested, "Instead of
losing control as well and making irrational decisions?"

Wu Fei put his hands on the ladder. He couldn't ask directly what
had happened between Duo and Heero. It wasn't his custom. When Duo
spoke, confused and hesitant, he was glad.

"Don't you even care what happened?"

Wu Fei paused and then said, as if to the empty, chill air. "That's
for you to tell, not for me to ask."

"Oh." Duo sniffled and Wu Fei turned, seeing Duo sit down again and
huddle in on himself. "Hm, well, I took your advice. I tried to be
more... accommodating with Heero. I tried making moves first, letting
him know I wanted.... I just... I just put my arms around him.... I
just slid my hand down along his ass..."

Wu Fei felt a flush. That wasn't what he had wanted to hear. The
more personal relationship between Heero and Duo was still something
he didn't want to acknowledge. "He rejected you?" Wu Fei managed to
ask nervously.

"He cold cocked me in the face!" Duo shouted. "When the lights
behind my eyes stop flashing, and the room came back into focus, he
was gone! He didn't even stay... he didn't even wonder if I was okay!"

"He looked for you," Wu Fei corrected. "He was concerned for you. He
told us to search the house while he ran to see if Deathscythe was
still in the hanger."

Duo frowned, confused. "I don't get it! What the Hell is wrong with
him?"

Wu Fei nodded as he began descending the stairs. "Good! You are
asking questions instead of reacting like a fool. Now, dare to ask
the questions of the man who you need the answers from, and I will
consider you a man again."

Wu Fei ducked a thrown piece of cobweb laden antique junk. It
clattered against the old wooden floor. Wu Fei ignored it and the
curse that followed. He needed to work on Nataku and get back to the
war, he thought irritably, not worry about the complicated
relationships of his fellow pilots.

***

Heero sat on the foot of Deathscythe and stared very hard at
nothing. The hanger, lit by bare, hanging bulbs from the makeshift
ceiling, was as drafty as a snow covered mountain peak. Heero ignored
that. In his green tank top, black pants, and steel toed boots, he
hadn't even conceded to the cold enough to put on a jacket. He wanted
his body to freeze until it was as cold as the hollow, aching feeling
in his gut. He wanted to punish his body for betraying him, for not
obeying him at the worst possible moment. Duo had reached out to him,
had dared to trust him, finally, completely, and he... he had hit him
with the full force of a balled fist backed up by blind panic.

It had been the hand on his ass, Heero knew, and the memory of
other, crueler hands that he couldn't erase from his perfect memory.
In that moment, Heero had become Duo, their roles reversed. He had
finally understood, completely, what Duo was forced to live with
every day. Knowing that he, Heero, would have to live with it now,
too, had been too much, to painful, too overwhelming.

Heero had run, tireless legs taking him far into the forest
surrounding the safe house, before he had been forced to stop, forced
to calm himself, forced to realize what he had done. The run back had
nearly burst his heart, and finding Duo gone, ordering the others to
search, and reaching Deathscythe, had almost finished the job.
Finding Duo's Gundam still in its hiding place, Heero had collapsed
where he was now, exhausted, mind frantically trying to think of
where to search next.

A jacket was flung into Heero's face. He jumped up, reaching for his
gun, before his mind caught up with his reflexes and recognized the
jacket as his own and the glaring face beyond it as that of
Deathscythe's pilot.

"You must be upset to let me sneak up on you," Duo grated.
"Especially since I wasn't even sneaking." He was wearing his black
long coat, black gloved hands sinking deep into the pockets. His face
was pale above the high collar, the bruise a shocking sight
disfiguring half his face. "We need to talk."

Heero nodded, looking down and swallowing hard as he clutched his
coat against him, not bothering to put it on.

"Put it on!" Duo snapped. "I'm not mad enough to want you to die,
not yet."

Heero meekly put on the jacket, the sound of the zipper going up
loud in the silence of the hanger. The tall Gundams all around them
seemed stern judges, waiting to pass sentence on the tiny humans at
their center. Duo wasn't any less imposing to Heero. He wasn't
bothering to wear his mask. His true, haunted expression struck Heero
full force; the shadowed face of an abused boy from L2 who had just
had his only joy brutally taken from him. There wasn't even a hint of
forgiveness.

"There are some things that we can't talk about," Heero said,
breaking the silence at last.

"I know," Duo agreed tightly, "but there are some questions that you
are going to have to answer."

"I-" Heero began to protest, but Duo cut him off.

"If you don't answer them, then I'm going to shoot you off of my
Gundam's big toe and I'll leave right now!" Duo snarled, amethyst
eyes snapping with anger, yet also filled with a deep seated dread of
the answers he was demanding.

"Careful," Heero warned. "Careful what you ask, Duo."

Their eyes locked. Things unsaid and unacknowledged hung thick in
the air between them. "Is it me?" Duo asked, daring. "Did I... Are
you tired of me, tired of dealing with my problems?"

Heero replied firmly and without a hint of hesitation. "You can't
grow 'tired' of the other half of your soul, Duo. You are that for
me. Never doubt that."

Duo felt a warm flush at those words, but he wasn't even remotely
ready to forgive. He pointed to the ugly bruise on his face. "This
makes your words a lie."

"Tell me what to do," Heero begged.

"Do?" Duo echoed.

Heero's hands clenched and unclenched, so sure on the controls of
his Gundam and on the trigger of a weapon, he was finding them
useless now. "How can I explain that I didn't mean to hit you?" Heero
clarified, voice edged and desperate. "What will prove to you that I-
I."

"Won't do it again?" Duo finished mockingly. "How likely is that?"
When Heero stayed silent, Duo felt his heart begin to crumble. Heero
wasn't good at lying. He didn't make the attempt now. "You can't even
say it," Duo accused, "because you don't know for sure that you
won't!"

It made Heero angry, Duo's judgment. How easily he forgot, Heero
thought, and determined to remind him. With one motion, he ripped
apart his jacket and shirt, leaving his upper torso bare. Duo had
started, stepped back, and reached for his gun. Heero knew then, that
he was armed, and knew also, with a black, sinking feeling, that the
trust between them was shaken. He hoped that it wasn't shaken to its
core.

Duo was staring at Heero's patchwork of scars. He knew what point
Heero was trying to make. His face went hard. "Yeah, I know, Baby,"
he said angrily. "I made some of those when you touched me the wrong
way. You forgave me. You kept loving me. You kept loving me even when
I didn't love myself."

Duo sighed and took his hand off of his gun. Heero wrapped his arms
around himself, closing the ripped jacket and shirt over his freezing
skin. There was a long silence between them, each trying to find a
way through an impossible situation.

"I won't let you hit me, " Duo said at last. "We can't go on like
that. If we can't talk about the reason behind why you hit me, then
at least let me know what triggered it. I've never reached out to you
that strongly before. Was that it? I thought you wanted that. I
thought you were tired of coming after me. Was I wrong?"

"Yes," Heero replied in a whisper.

Duo said grimly, "So, if we are to continue, I have to be the one to
suffer."

Heero widened his eyes, puzzled. "Suffer?"

"Do you think it's easy letting you touch me?" Duo snapped back. He
crossed his arms over his chest and they stood that way, each in a
defensive posture. "You know it's not," he continued. "You know it's
a battle each time." He paused and then shrugged. "I guess I'm used
to it. I'll accept the burden. So, you can touch me, but, do you want
to? You haven't done anything except hold me once in awhile."

Heero didn't say anything, but his eyes were downcast and his jaw
had tightened. Duo felt a gut wrenching suspicion which he quickly
buried. He couldn't think that. He couldn't put two and two together.
Heero was his strength. Nothing could touch the man. He never failed
in his missions. Duo relied too much on that being true, so he
refused to realize that Heero was acting just like he did and maybe
for the same reasons.

"Heero," Duo said, knowing how to reach the young man. "We have a
mission in ten days. If we can't find a way through this, whatever it
is you're going through, then we have to end this relationship. I-"
He swallowed hard, feeling grief welling up, but throttled it down
and continued, "It'll kill me, I think, but... the war comes first,
it always has. Maybe, if we can't find a way, we'll save all of this
for after the war."

Heero should have agreed. He had been raised from childhood to make
just such decisions without emotion and without remorse. Now, he
couldn't. His blue eyes searched Duo's face and Duo felt shaken by
the pure 'neediness' of that look. "I can't function without you,"
Heero finally said, low and rough. "I will retrain myself. I will
regain control.... if you will forgive me... if you will let me be
with you."

Duo didn't know how to handle Heero's sudden show of vulnerability.
Heero wasn't acting like Heero and that told Duo how deep his
problems went. He did need to regain control. Heero Yuy couldn't live
the unpredictable, manic life that Duo could. He needed structure,
orders, and, most of all, perfection in himself. Duo could see how
his weakness was tearing him apart.

"Okay," Duo relented. He took a slow look around at the cold hanger.
"Well, I guess this place is quiet enough to start in."

"Start what?" Heero wondered, confused and nervous.

"Retraining you," Duo clarified.

"Duo..." Heero began and then stopped, not daring to hope.

Duo gave him a sideways look as he cleaned a space on the dirt
floor. "You still have to prove yourself to me, Yuy," Duo warned, but
then softened, "but you know that I love you. You've forgiven the
unforgivable where I'm concerned. A punch isn't as bad as a stab
wound. I get that, don't worry. On the other hand, I won't let you
get away with another punch either. You'll have to learn to control
yourself again before I really forgive you."

"Acceptable," Heero replied, watching Duo curiously, then asked,
"What are you doing?"

Duo sat cross legged on the dirt floor and motioned Heero to do the
same. "I'm going to teach you what Wu Fei's been teaching me," he
said. "I'm going to teach you to meditate. Wu Fei tells me it's the
first step to learning to control your reactions."

"I learned to meditate as part of my training," Heero replied
doubtfully.

"Not like this," Duo said. "You learned to control your body, this
is all about the mind. This is all about your emotions. They taught
you to cut them off and pretend that you didn't have them. This will
teach you to deal with them and react the way normal people react.
Believe it or not, Heero, normal people don't punch or stab one
another when they are startled or unsure."

Heero sat cross legged in front of Duo, keeping a few feet between
them. Duo smiled at him tensely. Heero couldn't smile back. It was
too serious. Too much depended on success. "Mission accepted," he
said softly. "I won't lose you."

"Then don't fail me again," Duo told him, not able to help the anger
and the hurt from coloring his voice. He saw Heero flinch. It wasn't
a good way to start. "First," Duo began, forcing himself to forget
anger and concentrate, "you have to imagine a blank white wall.
That's your safe place. Any time you feel upset, or unable to control
yourself, you step into the white wall. Inside, there isn't any
sensation at all. You feel nothing mentally or physically. You need
to clear your mind and practice stepping in and out of your imagined
wall. You have to make that place yours. Get to know it. Make going
there a reflex."

Heero nodded and tried to concentrate on Duo's words, determined to
force his body and mind to obey his will once more, and more than
eager to do what ever Duo wanted of him to bring them back together
again. There wasn't another option for him. Duo was the other half of
himself. Without that half, he knew, he would die.

Outside the hanger, watching from the partly open door, Wu Fei
sighed in relief and then left the two meditating figures alone. He
holstered his gun as he walked back to the safe house. He hadn't been
sure how things would turn out, but he was satisfied that soon,
Heero, with Duo's help, would win the war on the inside so that he
could rejoin the war on the outside.

TBC

Go to Part 26: Got Your Back

==========================================

Shinigami's Lover Arc 1: Part 26
Part 26: Got Your Back
by Kracken (signs@screaminet.com)

Disclaimer: I don't own them and I don't make any money off of this.
Warnings: Guys having sex with guys. Violence. Language. Graphic.

Support a starving artist, buy Kracken's book, The Storm, under
Della Boynton at amazon.com

The Storm at Amazon.com

Ahem... some of you guessed the ending of the series. It does follow
a psychological progression, so kudos to some of you for figuring it
out. Yes, this is the end. Yes, the real end, no, no more... no,
don't beg. The After the Rain series will be ending soon as well, but
don't worry, I'm going to do an 'after the war' series and maybe try
my hand at some Weis Kreuz. (If I can learn how to spell it. Was that
right?)

I'm dedicating this one to my husband who has always been my Heero.
This entire arc has been about us and our ups and downs trying to
figure out how to cope. We had a happy ending, so, of course, this
story does too. ^_^ Love you all.

==========================================

Quatre's hands shook as he opened the bottle of pills. They spilled
out on the kitchen counter. He scrambled for them, mouthing, 'No! No!
Not now!' as he scooped them into a pile and then began putting them
back into the bottle, keeping two back. That done, he crushed the two
pills with the edge of a butter knife, and then poured the crushed
mixture into some orange juice. Swirling it around with one hand and
carrying the glass carefully, he slipped the bottle into a pocket and
then hurried back into the small living room.

"D-Duo," Quatre called softly, not seeing the pilot of Deathscythe
immediately and sorely wanting to. The hairs on the back of his neck
stood up in alarm, his heart hammering as he tried to see where Duo
had gone. "I- I have some juice for you."

"Is something wrong?" Heero's voice at his shoulder, made Quatre
start and stumble. Gasping, he turned, pale and trembling, juice
shivering in the glass.

"Heero, Praise be to Allah!" Quatre exclaimed in relief. "It's Duo.
We were watching a television show, some stupid thing about ... well,
that's not important! What is important is that there was a man on
the show that... I suppose it reminded Duo of someone from his past.
He-He lost it, Heero! I tried to calm him down, but he just became
wilder and wilder, shouting at the television and then shouting at
me. I-" he looked around. "I don't know where he is. I'm almost
afraid to look."

"Go back into the kitchen," Heero told him grimly. "I will take care
of him."

"Thank you!" Quatre breathed and eagerly retreated.

Heero remained calm. He surveyed the room, some sixth sense telling
him that Duo was there. Heero held up a brown, insulated bag. "These
were expensive! If you don't want your gift to melt-"

"Gift?" Duo's quiet voice echoed and then he hesitantly came out
from behind the couch, hair mussed and eyes bloodshot and shadowed.
His face looked pinched, but he was attempting a fractured smile as
he approached Heero with nervous eagerness.

"Bananas hollowed out, stuffed with cherries and strawberries, and
dipped in dark chocolate; frozen," Heero rattled off patiently. "All
for you, Little Baka."

Duo snatched the bag, settled on the couch, and began eating with
relish. He shot several wary looks at the television though, episode
not entirely dissipated. He was tense, body poised and ready to leap
for safety if he needed too. He looked like a wild animal, Heero
thought, and felt suddenly tired, almost too tired to deal with his
disturbed lover.

"You frightened Quatre," Heero said and was surprised at the
accusing tone in his own voice. A slip. He tried to recover. "I'm
sure he understands."

Duo paused in his eating, eyes lowered and face suddenly closed.
"Yeah," he whispered. He relaxed then, episode leaving him, normalcy,
or as much as he could have, reasserting itself.

Heero had a sudden desire for space and to be alone. There was a
mission to plan. A report to make. Two stressful things that needed
his attention. They were two heavy weights on his already stressed
and overburdened mind and soul.

"Okay?" Heero wondered shortly.

"Yeah," Duo replied, sticking to his nondescriptive response, which
meant to Heero that he was unwilling to talk about what had upset
him, perhaps too embarrassed to face it just then.

"I'll be in my room if you need to talk," Heero replied. He left Duo
sitting there, confection melting in his lap, ignoring the twinge
that informed him that he was being less than the sympathetic lover
he should have been. Duo needed constant comfort, constant attention,
and constant reassurances. Heero found that, just then, he was unable
to do any of those things.

Duo watched Heero leave, his troubled, mind coming down from its
confusion, the familiar embarrassment, anger, and depression filling
its place. He sensed that Heero needed him. He sensed that Heero
really didn't want to be alone. It was Duo's problems that he was
trying to get away from, not Duo himself.

"That's okay, Heero," Duo muttered to himself as he popped another
frozen, filled banana slice into his mouth. "I want to get away from
me, sometimes, too."

Duo felt a twinge of guilt. He should go after Heero and figure out
what was bothering him, Duo thought, not sit wringing his hands about
his own messed up head. Yet, Duo didn't move. The man on the
television, the one that had looked so much like a particular
customer he had dreaded, was still too fresh, still to ready to send
him over the edge again. Heero didn't need that from him, it was
clear, and Duo didn't think that he had room to comfort Heero just
then. His own problems were too all encompassing, so Duo decided to
do the only thing he could, let Heero take care of himself while he
attempted to deal with his own demons.

Not good, Quatre thought, as he spied on Duo and Heero from the half
open, kitchen doorway. He retreated and turned, starting when he saw
the silent Trowa standing behind him, the empty juice glass, that
Quatre had left on a counter, in his hand. "You didn't...?!" Quatre
exclaimed.

"What is wrong?" Trowa wondered in concern. "Who were you watching?"

"Uh, Heero and Duo," Quatre said as he took the glass from Trowa.
"Duo became upset. I was going to..."

Trowa came to attention in alarm and stared at the glass as well.
"Tranquilizers or medication for his mania?"

"Tranquilizers," Quatre replied in a small voice. "Just two."

Trowa made an exasperated sound. "Duo is too much trouble! He should
find quarters elsewhere, and Heero with him! Both of them have become
impossible!"

"They don't need to be isolated," Quatre replied as he guided Trowa
to a chair and had him sit down. He began to rummage under the
counter, as he continued, "That's been the problem, thinking that
they needed their space and time to sort things out for themselves.
I'm of the mind that we have taken the wrong tact. I think what we
need to do is to re-socialize those two."

Trowa snorted angrily. "You are the only one who is adept at
socializing, Lover. Wu Fei and I do not mingle well at parties."

Quatre came out from underneath the counter with a large pot
clutched in both hands, blue, expressive eyes determined. "You know
I'm not talking about parties, Trowa. I mean sitting down and having
a meal, together, playing a few card games, together-"

"And what were you doing when Duo had his latest episode?" Trowa
demanded. " What set him off this time? Was it socializing with you?"

"It's not going to happen all at once," Quatre admitted, "but we're
a team. We can't cut off parts of the team, keep them isolated, and
hope to win this war. Both Heero and Duo have to learn to work with
us again. They have to learn to trust us."

"They can't even trust each other!" Trowa retorted. "Sorry, Lover,
but your heart is too kind. You would try to tame killers."

Quatre frowned. "Isn't that what you do, Trowa, tame killers? Don't
you make the lions at the circus obey you by getting them used to
your presence and teaching them to trust you? You desensitize them.
You get them socialized. Why should this be any different?"

Trowa hid behind his bang for a long moment and then he hissed in
defeat as he grabbed the pot from Quatre and positioned it in his
lap. "You will fail, I feel, and I will be there to protect you from
them when you do." With that he stuck his finger down his throat and
threw up the tranquilizers into the pot.

***

"You're selfish and out of control," Wu Fei said suddenly.

Duo winced, blinked, and looked at Wu Fei. The man had settled
cautiously on the far end of the couch. "Huh?"

The Chinese pilot was staring at the blank television. "You came to
me so that I could help you find the balancing point, the inner peace
that would allow you to keep fighting, yet you ignore my teachings,
thereby ignoring your duty to Earth and the colonies. I heard you.
You were upset by this monitor, a collection of colored fluids
gravitating together to form a picture."

"Television, Wu Fei, we still call it that," Duo grumbled and
hunched in on himself. "You know- You know it wasn't the television I
was afraid of, so can't we just drop it?"

"No," Wu Fei replied. He pointed towards the stairs without turning,
eyes half closed as if he were about to drop into meditation. He said
quietly, firmly; a teacher speaking to a student, "Until you learn to
master yourself and rectify THAT situation, you are incapable of
being the warrior you should be. You are a liability to this team."

"Team?" Duo snorted, "Look who's talking about 'The Team'. You're a
loner as much as I am."

"I have learned not to be," Wu Fei replied. "I have seen the benefit
of working together. You have as well. Denying it won't relieve
yourself of responsibility."

Duo scowled. "Responsibility?"

"To yourself, to the team, to Earth and the Colonies, and to your
partner, Heero Yuy."

Duo bristled. "You mean my Lover? You can't even say it, Wu Fei!
Don't ask me to face a situation when you won't either."

"Are you lovers?" Wu Fei retorted pointedly.

Duo went pale and his hands clutched down on the insulated bag in
his lap. Wu Fei knew how it was between Duo and Heero. He knew that
the two of them hadn't been together since Heero's failed mission.

"You are failing to take responsibility," Wu Fei pressed. "You are
failing to deal with your fears and do your duty. Instead, you have
closed like a frightened clam, indulging in your own misery while
ignoring the pleas of others."

"I fight when I have to fight and I am damn good!" Duo snarled.
amethyst eyes blazing. "Don't you fucking accuse me of not doing my
job!"

"Job?" Wu Fei sneered. "It isn't a 'job', Maxwell, it's a duty, a
responsibility. We are here to protect the weak. To free them. To
fight for them. It is an honor, not a 'job'."

"You do it for honor," Duo replied angrily. "I do it for revenge, Wu
Fei."

"Selfish," Wu Fei dared.

Duo glared. "Do you know what they did to me? Do you know how many
people, good people, I saw them slaughter? I don't consider it
selfish to avenge them."

"The Dead don't require revenge," Wu Fei intoned, "Only the living."

Duo curled tighter into himself. "So what? Okay, I'm selfish! I
wanna see them pay! That's good enough reason to fight them."

"For yourself. To make yourself feel better," Wu Fei pressed.

Duo sprang out of his curled up position, facing Wu Fei with his
hands gripping the couch cushions to keep himself from violence. "And
why not?! Why the Hell not, Wu Fei? Don't I deserve it? Shouldn't I
get some satisfaction? Shouldn't I feel good for once in this
horrible life of mine? I've been fucked and fucked over, Wu Fei! It's
all I can do to keep on breathing from day to day. I can't think of
anyone else! I can't deal with anyone else! I can only handle what's
twisted up in my own gut!"

Wu Fei nodded.

"What the fuck is that supposed to mean?!" Duo raged.

"You have admitted the problem," Wu Fei replied with some
satisfaction. "You couldn't move forward until you had. Now, the rest
is obvious, isn't it?"

"Maybe to a freakin' crazy man like you!" Duo grated through
clenched teeth.

Wu Fei let a long silence pass, until Duo stopped panting with anger
and began to think again. Wu Fei could see his pale face tense as Wu
Fei's words played through his mind and formed an idea. Duo wasn't
stupid. He could understand what Wu Fei was trying to say without
saying it.

"Heero needs me," Duo said at last, very quietly.

Wu Fei nodded. "He can't help himself, just as you can't help
yourself. Your pain, and Heero's pain, are eating the both of you
alive. You have forgotten the people we are honor bound to protect.
You have both chosen the road of selfishness, indulging in your
sorrows, thinking only of yourselves, closing yourself off from the
team, and each other, because of fear."

Duo remembered Heero's face, his tight expression, his refusal to do
anything but the minimum to help Duo, and his need to be alone. They
were all warning signs that Heero had given his all, that Duo had
drained him dry with his own needs, and that his own problems had
reached a point where they were overwhelming him. Wu Fei was telling
Duo that he had to help Heero, that he had to give back.

Duo cringed inwardly. Wu Fei saw it. "You are stronger than you
imagine," Wu Fei told him. "I have seen that strength. Leave
selfishness behind. Look outward and think of honor instead of pain,
fear, and revenge. For honor you must sacrifice for the colonies and
Earth. For honor you have to forget about self and help Yuy so that
he can return to the war a healed man."

Duo stood up. He tossed the bag of confections into Wu Fei's lap.
"I'm still fighting for revenge," he replied, "It's all I know. As
for Heero... I think you're right that Heero needs help, my help, but
you're wrong about the honor thing there too. I love, Heero. That's
why I'll help him, Wu Fei. I don't need any other reason than that."

Duo went up the stairs. Wu Fei looked after him and then looked down
into the bag in his lap. He took the last banana confection and
popped it into his mouth. As he appreciated the taste, he remembered
his dead wife and the reason he had joined the war to begin with.
Honor hadn't been the reason he had fought either.

***

Heero was seated on the his bed, laptop in front of him, face
serious as he scrolled down lists of mission stats, looking for
something in particular. Duo paused at the doorway, knowing that
Heero's heightened senses were aware of him. When the pilot of Wing
decided not to acknowledge him, Duo sighed.

"We are so messed up, aren't we?" Duo asked bleakly. "We can't even
talk to each other now."

Heero closed the laptop and pushed it aside. He did look at Duo
then, all pretense dropped. "It's hard," he replied simply.

"Like a burn, isn't it, that you're afraid people are going to
touch?" Duo wondered. When Heero nodded, Duo moved into the room and
sat in a chair closest to the bed, turning it so that he straddled it
and leaned arms on its back, a vulnerable position.

"Is it good to be alone?" Duo persisted.

"No," Heero replied, looking down at his lap, hands knotting together.

"You thought it would be, didn't you?" Duo cocked his head
curiously, trying to see under Heero's tangled black bangs, trying to
see the expression his eyes always betrayed. "That's the mistake I
always make. I push everyone away, including you, thinking being
alone is better than being frightened all of the time."

"We can't talk about this!" Heero exploded, scowling furiously.

"We have to," Duo replied. "We love each other, Baby. We can't each
go off alone and still expect that to stay true. We have to be there
for each other."

"I'm sorry," Heero replied guiltily. "I should have stayed
downstairs. You- You were troubled. You needed me."

"I always need you," Duo admitted softly, gripping the back of the
chair hard and resting his cheek on his white knuckled hands. "I'm
always in trouble. That's not going to change, but, expecting you to-
to drain yourself dry taking care of me is wrong."

"I want to take care of you," Heero told him. "I want to be strong
for you."

Duo managed a weak smile. "I feel like Wu Fei now."

Heero looked up at him then, puzzled.

Duo shrugged self deprecatingly. "He pinpointed my trouble without
much effort. I think I've just done the same for you."

Heero straightened in his cross legged position. "I don't have any
trouble, Little Baka. I'm just busy with planning this mission. It is
very difficult. It takes up a great deal of energy, energy that I
can't divide between it and you right now. I know you understand."

Duo shook his head. "I don't understand, Heero. I don't understand
why you're lying to me. You get to see my weak side all of the time,
but you still manage to respect me, right?"

Heero nodded. "You are a capable pilot and an excellent soldier,
despite your difficulties. That generates a great deal of respect,
Duo."

"So," Duo continued. "Why can't it be that way for you too? If you
tell me you need a hug, I'll still respect you in the morning."

"I-" Heero began, but was cut off by Quatre who coughed
apologetically. Duo turned irritably.

"Uh, I was wondering if you would both come down and help out with
lunch," Quatre said. "We're making sandwiches and squeezing lemons
for juice."

Duo narrowed eyes at Quatre. "How homey, but we're kind of busy,
Quat."

"I shall help," Heero announced as he left the bed and walked slowly
towards Quatre. It was a way to avoid the conversation, to avoid
revealing anything to Duo by accident, and to avoid the breakdown he
had felt that Duo's words were about to trigger in him.

"I don't want a sandwich made out of ration packs," Duo grumbled as
he stood as well. "I guess I'll help too." He glared at Heero, "but
our conversation isn't over with, Yuy, so don't feel too relieved."

Heero started past Duo, but Duo carefully took his hand. Looking
deeply into Heero's eyes, he leaned forward and gave him a tentative
kiss on the lips while Quatre blushed and left the doorway to give
them some privacy. Heero was tense, closed to Duo completely. He
pressed into Duo's lips briefly and then backed away as if the kiss
meant nothing to him.

"Do you love me still, Baby?" Duo wondered seriously.

"Yes," Heero replied.

"More than... what? Your laptop?" Duo only half joked. Heero nodded.
"Your gun." another nod. "Your Gundam?" Heero looked into his eyes
fiercely then.

"More than anything, Duo," Heero replied. "More than anything on
Earth or in Space."

"Same here," Duo smiled. "So 'talking' shouldn't be so hard, okay?
Don't get all worked up about it."

Heero couldn't reply. He knew it wasn't that easy.

***

"All right, Quat! " Duo snapped. "We've made lunch, cleaned
quarters, played cards, watched paint dry... I think we've had enough
togetherness, okay?"

Wu Fei snorted in agreement and walked off towards the makeshift
gym. Trowa looked out from under his bang, glowering at Quatre with
an 'I told you so' look. Quatre wasn't so easily defeated.

"Duo, you and Heero have been off by yourselves, not with the rest
of the group," Quatre protested. "Everything we've done together, you
two have managed to make a solitary assignment."

Duo frowned, arms crossing over his chest tensely. "What about it?"

"I wanted us to learn to work together better," Quatre explained.
"We can't be an effective fighting force if we are all wrapped up in
our own concerns to the exclusion of the team."

Heero narrowed eyes. "What do you suggest?"

"I suggest that, tomorrow, we try this again," Quatre said firmly,
"but that tomorrow we stay together, work together, and build some
trust between us. We used to have that, Heero. You know how important
it is."

"Agreed," Heero replied, but he didn't look pleased.

Duo chuckled darkly. "Anything for the mission, right Heero?"

Trowa grumbled as he stood up, still skeptical, "You are very
optimistic, Quatre," he said. "I have never attempted to make my
lions cook and play card games."

Quatre smiled, a spot of angelic sunshine amidst the darker,
troubled pilots. "Maybe you should try it, Trowa?"

"Yeah, Trowa!" Duo grinned. "Pilots can learn new tricks."

"Can you?" Trowa replied, "I will not hold my breath."

"Duo," Heero hurriedly cut in, seeing the familiar glint in Duo's
eyes, the one that warned that he was beginning to feel threatened.
"Come with me. We'll talk now."

Duo was distracted at once. "Really? Okay." He glared at Trowa.
"Later."

Trowa glared back. "If you think you're good enough."

Duo bristled. "I am-"

"DUO!" Heero snapped.

"Okay! Okay!" Duo snapped back. "You weren't so eager to talk before."

Duo followed Heero upstairs to his room. Duo settled on the bed this
time and Heero chose to pace, stopping now and again to stare at his
closed laptop as if he longed to be planning the mission.

Duo patted the bed. "Here, Heero. This isn't going to do either of
us any good if we don't show some guts."

Heero stared at the spot that Duo had patted. Duo looked pained.
"Are you afraid of me? Is that it? Or do I disgust you so much that
you can't stand to be near me? I was a whore after all. I did take
hundreds of men between my legs. I guess it's possible that you
finally woke up to the fact that you weren't my first, that you could
shake hands with every fiftieth man on L2 and know that they had
spread me and had put me at their mercy. It's something that would
turn any man's stomach, even mine."

Heero sat down, looking deeply into Duo's eyes. He slowly took Duo's
hands between his own. Both sets of hands were trembling. "That's
ridiculous! You don't think that and you know that I don't either.
Why say it? I was your first, and you were mine. Nobody ever made
love to either of us before. The past is something we both need to
forget. If you could simply stop mentioning it, stop bringing it to
your mind-"

"I could forget about it?" Duo finished. "You could forget about it?
I'm sorry, Heero, but it doesn't work like that. That's why I said
those things. It's always going to be between us no matter how we
think about it. We have to deal. We have to learn to swallow it whole
and live with it, because it's never going away. Can you understand
that?" Duo squeezed Heero's hands hard. "We have to acknowledge our
problems, Heero. Wu Fei, of all people, taught me that. It's been all
one sided up until now, with me taking and needed you to be my rock,
the one to bring me back when I fall into the pit."

"I want to keep being that for you," Heero interrupted.

"You can't be my rock when you're standing on quicksand, Heero," Duo
told him quietly.

Heero sighed dejectedly. "I don't know what you want me to do."

Duo braced himself, caged his demons as best he could, and uttered
the words he had never wanted to say, "Tell me what really happened."

"No," Heero replied flatly and did something that Duo had never
thought he would see. Heero brought his knees up to his chest and sat
in a clenched ball, face buried there and body trembling.

Duo swallowed hard. He wanted to run. He wanted to hide. He wanted
to forget that he had ever asked the question. How was he going to be
able to cope with the answer? How was he going to be able to pick up
the pieces of Heero afterwards, if he was finding it almost
impossible to pick up his own? He almost lost courage. He almost
stood and ran. Wu Fei's words came back to him sharply. 'Selfish'.
'Needs you.' He was being selfish, he knew, unwilling to take on any
more anguish or hurt, and Heero did need him. How could he turn his
back on him? How could he not face all the things that Heero had
faced for love of him? They might both lose their minds before it was
over, Duo thought, but better that than to lose each other to the
demons of their past. Those demons couldn't be allowed to triumph.

"Tell me," Duo insisted. "Please, Heero. I think I'm ready to hear
it now."

Heero wouldn't look at him, but he began to speak despite his
resolve. He couldn't keep it in any longer. Duo had burst the dam
inside of him that had already been crumbling. "I thought I could
control my reaction to it," he whispered, barely audible. "I've been
trained to overcome it, to treat it as just another torture. It
wasn't like my training though. They were sadistic. They enjoyed it.
I didn't get free in time to stop them, Duo.... only afterwards."

Duo went white. He whimpered. "They-Th- They raped you?"

Heero nodded.

Duo screamed. He surged up from the bed, ran to the door, and locked
it to keep the others out, to keep them from interfering. It was his
last coherent thought for some time as he raged, as he beat his fists
against the wall, and as he screamed at the bastards who had hurt
Heero; wishing them all alive again so that he could kill them,
slowly. He collapsed at last into a heap on the floor, face pressed
against the short pile carpet, sobbing silently, tears running over
his cheeks.

It was awhile before Duo realized something important. He wasn't out
of his mind. He was lucid, thinking, grieving, but mentally coherent.
In amazement, he sniffled and sat up, rubbing at his tear filled,
amethyst eyes.

Heero was still sitting on the bed, clenched in a ball, staring at
Duo with a hollow expression and a hand tensed on the butt of the gun
at his back. His thoughts were clear. If Duo was out of his mind
completely, Heero intended to give them both a quick end with a few
rounds of his gun.

"That isn't ever an option for me," Duo whispered hoarsely. He stood
up, stiff in every muscle, and began to undress with hands bruised
and bleeding from hitting the walls.

"What...," Heero whispered as his hand left his gun.

Duo kicked off his shoes and let his pants drop. Flipping off his
shirt, he was then nude, standing vulnerable before Heero. "I'm not a
rapist," Duo said very gently. "I'm your lover. Your best friend. The
other half of your soul, if you want to get really sappy." Duo sat on
the floor and watched Heero with hopeful eyes. "Look at me. Take a
real good look, Heero. I'm waiting for you this time. I'm waiting for
you to make the first move. To touch me. To make love to me if you
want to. You've lost me along with every good time we ever had
together. Find me again, Heero. Find those memories. They can be
stronger than the bad memories if you let them. You taught me that.
You made me happy when I thought I never would be. You taught me
trust and that there is something beyond the hurt and the tragedy."

Heero uncurled slowly, staring at Duo. He did look so slight and
vulnerable. Heero knew his own strength. He could crush bones without
effort. Duo was clever, he could put up a good fight, but he could
never really out match Heero.

"They made it... filthy," Heero whispered in despair. "I don't know
if I can... I might feel like them...."

Duo slowly unbraided his hair, combed it out with his fingers, and
let it drape over him like a chestnut cloak. He leaned back on his
hands then, body displayed for Heero as if he were completely
relaxed. That was a mask though. Duo was tense, as tense as Heero. He
was giving everything of himself, trusting Heero, but not sure how
long he could do it before fear set in. Long enough, he hoped, to
help Heero, to finally give back to him, the help and security Heero
had always given him.

"Will you hurt me?" Duo asked as if he didn't know the answer all
ready.

"No," Heero replied with an angry glint in his eye at the very idea.

"Will you hold me down on my stomach and just do me?" Duo continued.

"No!" Heero exclaimed.

"Will you come on me or in me and then just leave, throw money at me
for the good time, or kick me back into the trash where I belong?"
Duo was trembling as he said that. It had really happened more times
than he could easily count.

"No!" Heero cried in anguish.

"Why not?!" Duo demanded. "Why should you be any different?"

"B-because-, "Heero stammered and then gave his voice strength,
"Because I love you and I would never do that to you! I would kill
anyone who tried. If I could find those men who used you like that, I
would kill them, slowly. I would make them suffer!"

Duo nodded, swallowing hard, feeling his heart swelling in his chest
and tears threatening again. "I feel the same way about you... so, if
we can both agree that we love each other, and that we won't use or
abuse each other, then trust is easy, isn't it?"

It wasn't, but Heero was strong and determined. He stood up and
carefully walked to Duo, shedding clothes on the way. He went down on
all fours as he dropped his shirt, naked, but not threatening, body
lower than Duo's as if he were being a submissive supplicant to Duo's
whims.

Duo waited. Heero hesitated, and then, very carefully, he leaned
forward and kissed Duo. Duo accepted the kiss and opened his mouth.
Heero searched it with his tongue, tasting his lover, his mate,
exchanging pheromones. Slow, he thought. Very slow. They were both
dangerous now, both hair triggers of pain and dark memory. Yet, that
taste of Duo, that motionless, fragile seeming body before him,
comforted his nerves, reassured raw mental trauma. It was different,
he told himself, not filthy, not rutting or animalistic. It was....
love, gentleness, the whisper of skin against skin as tongues touched
and reaffirmed that they were one. The rape in the mud by cruel men
was night and nightmare. This, with Duo, was day, sweet day, morning
sunlight, a tender heat that kindled and grew and wanted release, not
in a pounding rush of hurt and humiliation, but in love and caring
and pleasure given and received.

"You are a poet," Duo smirked and Heero felt a rush of heat to his
cheeks, realizing that he had been saying those things aloud,
breathing them against Duo's lips. But it was all true and he didn't
regret revealing that to Duo.

Heero's hands ghosted along Duo's skin. Careful, he told himself.
Duo was giving, trying to help, trying to overcome his own fears to
reassure Heero. It didn't make him any less dangerous. It didn't make
either of them any less afraid.

"Feels so good," Duo sighed. "It's been too long, Baby."

"Yes," Heero replied breathlessly. "Too long. I'm sorry-," he began
to apologize, but Duo shook his head, making his loose hair tremble
and sway. Heero nodded, understanding. He didn't need to say it.

They came together at last, tangling together on the floor, gaining
confidence with each touch, each moment that pain or betrayal didn't
come. Duo moaned as Heero stroked him, and Heero whispered loving
words with hot breaths into Duo's ear as Duo touched him in return.
They stayed at that safe level, knowing that anything further was too
much, too soon. Still, it was sensual, their fingers brushing skin,
their sweet lips suckling and licking, their eyes filling each
other's vision, clouded with passion and love. They both wished that
it could last forever. When they finally climaxed, it was as if their
world exploded, shattering into a millions pieces, but then coming
back together, making something new, something better and stronger.

They lay quietly together afterwards, Duo's head pillowed on Heero's
chest and Heero gently fingering a long tendril of Duo's hair. The
knock on the door didn't surprise either of them.

"Uh, guys?" Quatre's voice came to them from the other side of the
door. He sounded hesitant to interrupt, but not worried. Sensitive to
their emotions, the blonde Arabian had held the other pilots back,
knowing that what had been going on upstairs hadn't been murder, but
two souls healing themselves. Now, feeling peace and contentment, he
had decided that it was all right to interrupt.

Duo scowled and sat up, one hand resting lightly on Heero's chest,
over his lover's heart. "Quatre?" Duo called back in barely concealed
annoyance. "Unless we're being attacked by Oz..."

"Oh," Quatre replied, contrite. "I thought... well, I just wanted to
ask if you wanted to help with dinner..."

"Dinner," Heero grunted and began to make their excuses. Duo stopped
him with a finger to his lips and a glint in his eyes.

"You don't want Trowa to tell Quatre he told him so, do you?" Duo
wondered impishly. "Let Quatre tame his lions."

Heero grunted. "You will never be tame, Little Baka."

"You either," Duo retorted. "But Quatre's right, you know, and
closing ourselves away from everyone else, even together, won't help
us get better. Being antisocial and crazy is okay during a war, but
no one wants to see that in the local deli. We have to make a life
that includes the pain, Heero, because we can't forget it. That
includes learning to be normal, despite it and ourselves, so, let's
go to lesson number two of Quatre's finishing school, k?"

"K," Heero replied and stole one more kiss from the man he loved
more than anything else on Earth or in Space, the man he had gone
through Hell and back for, the man who would always be there for him
and he for him. "Got your back," Heero whispered into his lover's ear
and Duo laughed.

"Got yours too, Heero, always," Duo replied with all his heart.

THE END! (passes out) *_*
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Published works at Amazon.com under Della Boynton
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Archived at: 
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Story completed mid-2002.
This file last updated Oct 9, 2002.
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