Warning:Male/Male sex implied, 1x2
This is a fic of a fic, Sunhawk's Ion Arc, just before Duo takes his
ill fated salvage trip to the belt. Sorry, couldn't resist, it just
popped into my head and had to be written.I'm posting this with
Sunhawk's permission.
Obsession of the Heart
Being alone sucks. When you're asked out for a night at McMurphy's by
your two best friends, and even the octogenarian spacer there, with
the one eye and a limp, has a girl, well, then alone takes on a whole
new dimension of pain. They laughed, they talked, they drank, and I
was in the middle of it all, everyone's friend, Duo Maxwell; life of
the party. I smiled for them, made my jokes, and played every drinking
game, and even managed to have fun despite the fact that every kiss
the couples around me exchanged, every tender look, and every warm
touch, cut straight through my heart like a knife.
I can usually get through a few weeks and not feel the emptiness. I
didn't usually sit across from my friends, Toria and Hayden, and feel
like I could easily hate them for what they had. I know, it 's
childish and stupid to think like that, especially since my present
single state was my own damned fault. I was young and not a bad
looking guy. I don't think, if I tried, that it would be too hard to
hook up with someone. I Didn't try though and the 'why' was a can of
worms I really didn't want to open. Trust Toria to try and open it for
me.
"Heeey, Buddy-Boy!" Toria slurred. She was a very tall, thin, woman.
She looked like a stork and even had a beak of a nose, though she'd
probably punch you for pointing that out. She was peering over her
drink at me and was obviously drunk. Hayden was already passed out,
snoring softly on the table top, Toria's arm thrown protectively over
his huge shoulders. Drink made Toria alert, wild, and fearless, not
stupid or confused. After a few belts of whisky, she was the type that
would try to put out a supernova by pissing on it.
I grinned at her. I had a slight buzz, but I had sat quietly,
thinking, long after the last drinking game, so I wasn't as bad off as
I should have been. "Yes, Spacer-Girl?"
Toria attempted a serious demeanor without much success. She finally
opted for a suggestive leer. "You're too shy. You never have a date. I
know a few girls who'll dry dock with you and not give you any grief
when you ship out."
Okay, so I never mentioned to either of my friends that I didn't
prefer girls, or women for that matter. I found myself blushing and
picking at the table top. There was a piece of the wooden laminate
that was coming off. I nervously began to help it. "I'm kind of...
particular. Thanks anyway."
"Particular or celibate?" Toria snorted. She motioned at me with
her
drink and sloshed some onto the table. "Okay, spill it! Who broke your
heart? I know that look a galaxy away."
I sat back and folded my arms over my heart tight enough to bruise. I
glared at her in a way that had made men piss their pants during the
war; the look of someone who's killed a lot of people and wasn't
opposed to killing one more. Toria, unfortunately, guffawed in
amusement at my attempt to intimidate her. She was almost two heads
taller than me and she never had found out just how strong and deadly
a Gundam pilot could be. She was a match for most men and wasn't about
to be frightened by someone she considered a kid, a shrimp of a kid at
that.
"Look, Toria, it's really personal, okay?" I snapped back. "I'm
not
going to talk about it no matter how much you try to strong arm me,
okay? Since your 'charm' won't work either, just order another round
of drinks and let it the hell go."
"Must have been something else, this lover of yours," Toria muttered
as she signaled the bartender for another round. "Every time you think
about her, you turn into the sourest, most depressing bastard, I've
ever met."
Our drinks were delivered and I glared down into mine. "Pig headed,"
I growled, trying to use the words as a shield against the memories
that threatened to make my heart rip wide open again. "Bad tempered.
Over bearing. Emotionless. Cold as space. Hateful. Distrustful. Anal
retentive.....
Toria listened with wide eyes and then she smiled knowingly as I
struggled for more words and said,. "Yep, must have been something
else, this lover of yours. Stupid too, to let someone like you go."
I blinked at her and then felt something sick twist at my gut. I
didn't want to explode. I didn't want to say the awful things on the
tip of my tongue. She didn't know how she had just hurt my soul. I
suddenly had to get out of there, away from any more of Toria's
prying. She was worse than a bulldog when she thought she had hold of
something that she wanted. I didn't want to end the evening with a
fight, especially not with the girl of my best friend.
I stood up and tossed money onto the table. "Drinks on me," I said
briskly. "I gotta go. Say goodbye to Hayden for me." I eyed the
snoring bear of a man, "Or good morning, since it looks like he's
going to be staying here and sleeping it off."
"I'll take care of him," Toria retorted, looking insulted.
"You do that, Spacer-Girl," I said, an almost warning as I patted
Hayden on the back and then made my lonely way out of the bar and back
to my ship.
I might have been pissed that Toria had ruined a good evening... only
she hadn't really ruined it. I had been putting on the mask, showing
everyone how happy I was, how much fun I was having, and how
'together' I had it. The reality was, that every time I made dirt side
on Earth, my mood darkened as unavoidable thoughts and memories tried
to crawl their way out of the box where I had locked them deep down in
my psyche.
"Nice night." The voice in my head greeted as I entered my ship and
passed the long line of my dead painted on the walls that lead to my
cockpit. The voice was a familiar one, my mind remembering it exactly
as it had sounded the day the owner of that voice, Solo, had died of
the plague in my arms. Solo's portrait stood at the door of the
cockpit, his eyes looking inside with a bored expression. I touched
that painting as I replied out loud, "It was a pretty crappy night,
actually."
"With those two?" the voice returned derisively, "Then you weren't
even half trying, Rat-Boy."
"I think you're right about that, King-Rat," I replied as I settled
into the command chair and checked systems that didn't need checking
in dry dock. "In fact, I didn't really want to try at all. I should
have just stayed on board."
I really tried not to do it this time. I sat, arguing with myself,
for a good hour and a half, making myself do a full systems check and
go through all my email. I was glad when I found the email from
Howard. He had a job for me it seemed, a salvage job that needed the
old Maxwell daredevil expertise. When none of your men will do it,
call Duo Maxwell and he'll use his suicidal inclinations to get the
job done. I had a very large reputation because of it. On a bad day I
was proud of that rep. On a good day it made me wonder about my sanity.
I fired off an email to Howard to tell him I wanted to talk price and
particulars and then checked the time. Well, that had eaten up another
half hour. Only twelve more until launch. Twelve more hours until
memories and what ifs were left behind. Twelve more hours to resist
the urge to check up on Heero Yuy. I might as well have tried to stop
breathing.
It had become my ritual. I hated it; hated myself more for the
momentary weakness and hated how I fought and lost every damned time I
landed my Demon on Earth. This time wasn't any different. I went from
full resistance to using my on board systems to punch a hole through
Preventer security protocols between one blink and the next. What the
hell... Get it over with... not like any one, but you, cares. Not like
it tells you freakin' much anyway.... Just.... Do... It....
File: Heero Yuy, Preventer Special Agent.... Stats rolled over the
screen and I swallowed hard as I caught a glimpse of Heero's life.
Days on, days off, time worked per week. Gym renewal fees. Torn
uniform replacement. New gun. Expense account. Travel expenses. Heero
had been to Europe three times and gone to Asia five. No medical
expenses were incurred. I felt a slight flutter of relief travel
through me. Heero was fine, still working, and still fighting the
good fight.
I turned off the system and simply sat staring at the blank screen. I
refused to hack into more personal files, refused to delve into
Heero's home life. That would have been too much to bear, too much
like stalking a man who had spent a war hating me.
"Gods, I love kicking myself when I'm down!" I shouted angrily at
myself, at my ship, at my ghosts, and at the universe in general. When
I felt my eyes grow suspiciously moist, I knew I was close to an
emotional breaking point. "I gotta get out of here!" I swore and then
began typing in a request for an earlier launch window.
-------------------------------------
Dry Dock records: Ship Name: Maxwell's Demon. ID number:
46a9956732kil49A. Owner: Duo Maxwell. Captain: Duo Maxwell. Crew:
none. Cargo: Offloaded one ton gundanium laced super hull. Biohazard
level: seven. Destination: Mer Corp. Flight plan submitted. Request
entered for early launch. Request approved. Launch completed.
Heero Yuy slumped in his chair and ran fingers through his already
tousled chocolate hair. The 'Launch completed' entry stung him. He had
fought with himself, made every argument, and tried every distracting
technique to no avail. It never did work. Every time that Duo Maxwell
made Earth, Heero was alerted by a hack he had placed in the spaceport
computer, and, each time, Heero couldn't resist checking the records
there. He couldn't resist seeing this small part of Duo's life. Though
it told him enough to know that the one time pilot of Deathscythe was
alive and still working, it didn't give enough information where Heero
felt as if he were invading the life of a man who he knew, probably
hated him.
Heero touched the 'launch completed' entry with his fingers and
gently caressed it. Something welled up inside of him and it was
strong and over powering. How many times had he sat like this and
touched the same words and felt the same hollow, emptiness in his
heart? In his soul? Too many.
"The next time you land Earth side, Duo," Heero said aloud in an
emotion filled voice, "I'm not going to be a coward any longer. That's
a promise.... my love."
The end.