Kracken
Disclaimer:I don't own them and I don't make any money off of this.
Warning:Male/male sex, graphic, violent, language, Prison!Duo, Mentally unstable!Duo.
Kracken
Disclaimer:I don't own them and I don't make any money off of this.
Warning:Male/male sex, graphic, violent, language, Prison!Duo, Mentally unstable!Duo.
Maniac
In a Strange Land
"He stays curled up in a corner," the aid told Quatre. "He's afraid of his own room."
Quatre resisted the urge to make it easier for Duo. "It will take time. Everyone will have to be patient with him. He's had years of routine and residing in living quarters that were nothing short of a vacuum. It's understandably difficult for him to adjust."
"He won't use the facilities in his room, Master Quatre," the man informed him with some embarrassment. "If he also refuses to leave long enough to use other arrangements, then the cleaning staff will have new duties."
He censored his words like the cultured servant that he was, but Quatre had no doubt what he was referring to. "I'll speak to him, if he will listen. Perhaps... he simply needs to know that it is all right?"
The servant looked relieved, but Quatre wasn't. He knew that it wouldn't be that simple. Duo had already demonstrated that he wasn't going to pay attention to Quatre's existence.
__________________________________
Duo flicked eyes at the Quatre hallucination, and then away, determined not to fall pray, once again, to mirages of rescue. He was surprised, though, that he could put that much detail into this particular fantasy. Everything looked and felt real.
That was a problem in itself. His overloaded nerves wanted to escape the sensations, the sounds, and the unfamiliarity of this hallucination. He couldn't force his body to move, to go any where near where it might experience more disorienting assaults. Of course, by his very inaction, he wasn't going to be able to avoid it. The guards would come soon to punish him, he was certain.
"Duo?" Quatre hallucination kneeled in front of him, smiling gently, blonde hair a tumble into blue eyes. "You're worrying me. If there's anything I can do..."
Leave, Duo thought. Rejoin the hundreds of other hallucinations that had plagued him since he had finally given up and let the mind numbing routine become his life. They walked with him, showered with him, ate with him, and sometimes wore clothes and boyish looks from the war. They promised escape, a nice dream that might never end, if he only let go of sanity entirely. That last hold, the one he clutched at with all of his might, had held despite them all. This new hallucination was good, though, much better than the others, and much more persuasive. Duo felt his danger.
"I'm not listening," Duo mumbled. "I won't... listen." He closed his eyes and curled tighter in the corner, the hard wood floors cold under his thinly clothed body.
"Why not?" Quatre wondered, pain gripping him, sympathy for his friend.
"You won't trick me. Go away," Duo replied and then saw that for the trap it was. Talk to them and they gained strength. He pressed his lips firmly together and turned his face to the wall.
Duo didn't want to feel the stun guns. He shivered at the memory. The guards knew just how much juice to give them to cause the most pain. After a few 'examples', Duo hadn't wanted to do anything that would give them an excuse to use them again. yet, here he was, actively courting them by not being where he was supposed to be. A hallucination had never stopped him before, but this one was stopping him in a physical way that frightened him.
"Duo, let's go clean up," Quatre tried, knowing that he had to concede at least in this or Duo's health would suffer. "It's... time."
Duo couldn't help a sound of relieved anguish as he surged to his feet, his body ready to move as long as it was promised the routine it craved.. He tugged his clothing into order. He had at least managed to change them before the stern servant had appeared to calmly insist that he not go any further in his routine.
Duo was led out into a hallway, the hallucination of Quatre flanked by a nervous servant with fresh towels. They went two doors down and into another suite of rooms. That wasn't right. Duo balked, until the servant turned on a shower in the bathroom. That sound drew him. It was familiar. If he ignore everything else, he thought, he might manage get this right and avoid punishment.
The water was luke warm and smelled clean, unlike the antiseptic water of the prison. The shower head was set to be gentle and lacked the stinging force of industrial hardware. The floor tiles were colorful and smooth, not the rough, no slip surfaces and iron grates he was used to. The soap, too, was from a past he had thought he would never experience again, a favorite smell and feel. It more than anything else made him pause and stare, considering it as it foamed between his hands.
"Quatre," Duo whispered. "I'm nuts, right? I've... lost it. I tried so hard... to keep it together..."
"No," Quatre whispered back, standing at the door of the open shower in concern. "It's real. You're free. You're at one of my estates."
Duo collapsed into a ball of soaped and wet limbs, covering his head with his arms and sobbing violently.
Quatre turned off the water, kneeled in the wet, and gently rubbed Duo's shoulder. The man flinched away, choking, and then looked at him with red rimmed eyes. Words weren't forthcoming. He seemed overwhelmed, short circuited, unable to process anything more.
"It's all right, Duo," Quatre told him. "Let's get you dry."
It was a long while before Quatre convinced Duo to stand. His friend was shaky, crouched as if ready for some pain, or censure as Quatre dried him off and managed to get clothes on to him. Duo kept crying, tears running down his cheeks, but, it seemed, his moment of clarity hadn't brought the old Duo back. There weren't going to be any miracles. He still tried for his schedule when Quatre released him. A hand on his arm, to keep him from searching out a, now, nonexistent sun room, distressed him.
"I'm sorry," Quatre said as he firmly led Duo to a dinning room. "We're having breakfast in here. It's toast, eggs, and sausage, but I can get you anything you'd like."
Duo wiped at his eyes, sniffled, and then began scratching at his arms. He hissed at the pain he caused himself and then turned away from the dinning table. Quatre wouldn't let him go, though. He turned Duo back around as a servant slid out a chair for him.
"Sit down, Duo," Quatre urged. He pressed down on Duo's shoulder until he was seated and then served Duo himself.
Duo stared at the food on his plate. The institute had slowly introduced regular food to his diet, but Duo had persisted in not eating certain things, as if he couldn't believe in their existence. Scratches livid on his arms, he hugged himself, and looked distressed.
"Don't you want to eat?" Quatre asked.
Duo nodded.
"Do you like what I put on your plate?" he asked, trying to discover the problem.
Duo nodded again.
"Then eat, Duo,"Quatre urged him, hovering at Duo's elbow and trying to fathom what was going through Duo's mind.
Duo opened his mouth, made several attempts to speak, and then managed, "How long?"
Quatre felt a pain in his heart. He pulled a chair out and sat next to Duo. "Three years," he replied.
Duo reached out and touched an egg. He brought that finger to his mouth and tasted it. His eyes closed briefly, as if savoring the flavor, and then he said quietly, "Stand...I need..."
"No," Quatre told him. "Not anymore."
Duo flinched at the word, 'No.'
"Duo... they hurt you, didn't they?" Quatre asked, voicing his fear.
Duo made a nervous shrug. "I... need..."
"Did they hurt you when you didn't do what they told you to do?" Quatre guessed.
Duo nodded. His agitation was increasing. He tried to stand. Quatre kept a tight hold on his arm, keeping him down.
"I'm not a hallucination, Duo," Quatre told him. "No one is going to come and punish you. You can sit and eat, as long as you like. After, you can go anywhere... do anything."
The time to eat was ending. Duo made yet another attempt to stand.
"Eat, sitting down," Quatre insisted.
Duo looked at him. "Hungry," he said desperately.
"I know," Quatre replied sympathetically. "So, eat, Duo."
But Duo wouldn't. Some minutes passed and then Duo slumped in his chair. Quatre stared at him in frustration, realizing that he wasn't going to eat now.
"Duo?" Quatre said softly. When Duo looked at him in anguish, Quatre asked, "Tell me that you understand that this is real."
"Doesn't matter," Duo replied and pulled his shirt up over his face.
"Why not?" Quatre demanded. "How can it not?"
"Still there," Duo replied, voice muffled. "Can't get out."
"You're free," Quatre insisted.
"No," Duo replied. "Still there."
Mentally, he meant.
"Oh, my dearest friend!" Quatre exclaimed. "I should have come sooner. Relena assured me that, with a word from you, stating that you accepted the new law and government, you would be released. I was convinced that you were choosing your life."
Quatre leaned his forehead against Duo's arm, in sorrow, and then straightened, firming as he realized that Duo needed him now, and that he wouldn't let his friend down again.
______________________________________________
"He's... different," Heero said quietly as he stared across the manicured lawn where Duo was huddled. Dressed in loose, white, cotton pants and an overlarge shirt, Duo almost blended with the very white wall that he was trying very hard to become a part of.
Quatre looked over at their one time war comrade and frowned. "How can you tell from this distance?"
Heero shook his head and then looked at Quatre, as if the observation were irrelevant. "You called me, because the others didn't receive any response from him?"
"He seemed confused by them," Quatre replied. "He wouldn't speak to Wu Fei or Trowa.He pretended that they weren't there." He tried not to convey his frustration. "I'm the only one he's almost accepted, though I don't think he understands why I'm real and in his nightmare."
"What does his doctor say?" Heero asked as he looked at Duo again, eyes narrowing against the sunlight.
"That he's suffering from sensory deprivation," Quatre replied. "His nerves simply can't handle stimulation, whether it's sight, sound, or touch. His delusion that he's being delusional, when he sees us, is keeping his progress minimal.He is also mentally programmed to follow a very strict schedule. We've managed to modify his behavior, in that area, but he will still refuse to eat, or sleep if it isn't part of his original schedule."
"He needs professionals," Heero said critically.
Quatre bristled. "He's had them. Duo is... stubborn."
Heero slipped off his black leather jacket, draped it over the back of a lawn chair, and walked, without another word, to where Duo was huddling. Dressed in black dress pants, and a white, button down shirt, his security tags, that identified him a Preventer detective, were still hanging on one pocket. His under arm gun holster held his police handgun. the leather well worn with use.
Duo was pale and trembling, eyes glued to the wall and hands shading them protectively. Heero remembered when he had seen him last, at his sentencing, defiant and refusing to see reason when they had all tried to tell him what a fool he was being .Heero had understood, though. They had been fighting for peace and security, Duo Maxwell had been fighting for revenge. Not having gotten it, and seeing the men he had wanted to pay, wandering the streets as free citizens, it was obvious why he had chosen not to surrender to the inevitable.
They hadn't shaved his head and Heero felt an odd gladness about that. The man was a bit taller, but he had matured in the chest and the shoulders where he hadn't in height. He looked young and that made Heero consider his own age. Eighteen and they had already experienced so much in their lives, enough to break men, let alone boys.
"Duo?" Heero called softly, more demand than greeting.
Duo's eyes swiveled to take him in and then he huddled into a tighter form, hands clasping himself.
Heero looked around them, at the shade trees, the rose bushes, and the box hedges. The sunlight was bright. Heero noticed that Duo was trying to escape the line of it that was slowly inching into his small bit of shadow as morning approached afternoon.
"When I used the zero system," Heero said thoughtfully. "It opened my mind to the universe. It was... hard to function, at first, painful even. Too much mental input. I didn't spare myself, though. I rode through it and mastered it. Quatre's heart is too soft."
Heero reached out, grabbed Duo by the wrists, and pulled him into the garden. He ignored Duo's sobs, Quatre's shout of outrage, and set his strength against Duo's as he managed to get them both into the sunlight and flowers. Bracing himself, he turned and faced Duo, his hands still tight on both of Duo's wrists, and said, "Until you can't stand it anymore... and beyond...until your mind deals with sensation instead of avoids it. I was taught this in my training. Endure. Master myself. Be in control.You are not this weak. You never have been."
"He's ill!" Quatre was shouting. "You can't just come in here and-"
Heero glared at Quatre. "He's never known the life you're giving him," he replied viciously. "Of course he doesn't believe in it! I thought you were an intelligent man, Quatre, but you're making too many mistakes."
Quatre swallowed hard with emotion. He pointed at Duo as the man crouched, trying to pull his shirt over his face, still sobbing. "You are traumatizing him. You are not a professional. All of them have said that he needs to be gradually desensitized."
"Has it helped?" Heero shot back.
Quatre glared even as his men appeared on either side of him, ready to defend him if necessary. "It takes time, I've been told."
Heero looked at the men in disgust. "I gather that I'm supposed to leave, now?"
Quatre nodded. "I think that's best. Calling you... was a mistake. You were never close in the war. I think that I was just grasping at straws."
"Not close?" Heero growled as he turned and stalked back to where he had left his coat. He snatched it up and then looked back to where Quatre was helping Duo back into the shade. "We were best friends," he finished quietly.
_____________________________
Heero was gone. Duo hadn't wanted him to go. That particular hallucination, even combined with a painful sensory overload, had been more welcome than the other ones.Ushered back into more familiar corridors, away from the blinding sun and confusing expanse of lawn, Duo tried to keep hold of that image, of Heero frowning and... touching him. His hands brushed over his bruised wrists. They ached as if it had all been real.
"I'm sorry about that, Duo," Quatre was saying. "I didn't realize that he would be like that."
Quatre's grip on Duo's elbow steered him from place to place until they were back in his room. It was all too confusing. Duo sought a corner as soon as Quatre released him and he sat down in it, huddled and arms wrapped around himself.
Quatre sighed, rubbed a hand over his face in anguish, and then asked tentatively. "Duo? Can you speak to me? Please... I thought that you understood that this was real..."
Duo's head ached. He kept his eyes closed, trying to find that peaceful center within himself that had been his comfort for those long years of nothingness. " Hurts," he murmured, his only concession to the Quatre that seemed real, and maybe, hopefully, was real.
The pressure within himself, to follow the schedule, was still there, still insisting. The growing fear of guards with stun rods prickled over his nerves, making him tense and tremble. 'The big, bad Gundam pilot.', they had taunted. 'Now you're ours. Do what you're told or else...' He had nursed stun burns in silence, warned against complaining, and had learned quickly to throttle anger and pride, anything to avoid punishment. This Quatre kept insisting that he break that conditioning, but it had become as automatic as breathing.
Quatre tried to feed him, Duo refused, despite the ache in his stomach. Quatre tried to get him to come out of his room again, but it was too overwhelming. At last, Quatre said something about trying again in the morning, and he blessedly left. The silence was welcoming, so too was the darkness under the bed. Duo crawled there and made a ball out of himself, trembling limbs and psyche, and hated his life.
It wasn't until much later that the door opened again. Duo whimpered, imagining guards, but the hands that reached under the bed and pulled him out were strong and well remembered. He found himself looking into Heero's stern eyes.
"You're coming with me," Heero told him. "I know what you need."
Heero dressed him in clothing that was strange, yet familiar;black jeans and a red shirt. The shoes were rugged, meant for hiking,. The thick sweater and scarf, and the polar coat, wrapped him in warmth, though they were out of place for the warmer climate they were now in.
"I have an associate who's taking us out of here," Heero explained. "We'll be in the mountains in under an hour."
Heero tossed an envelope onto the bed, addressed to Quatre, and then took Duo's elbow. Duo stared at him, wide eyed as Heero jabbed a needle into his arm and then tossed aside the empty syringe into a small trash container beside the bed.
"That will relax you," Heero explained and then warningly. "No noise, or I'll have to stun you."
Duo shook from head to toe. That was a warning that he understood. Don't talk. No noise. Do what you're told, or I'll use the stun rod.
The awful sensations dimmed and Duo's mind felt a familiar numbing as he was lead through dark hallways and out into the dark of night. They stopped, started, and slid along walls. A section of iron fence was compromised. They slipped through and made a long trek into bordering woodlands. When it emptied out onto a road, a jeep was waiting.
Heero checked Duo's eyes with a penlight and then checked his pulse against his glowing watch. Satisfied, he strapped Duo into the passenger seat and then slid into the driver's side seat.
"It's not going to be pleasant," Heero warned him as he started the engine, "But you will adjust."
Duo put his hands over his ear and closed his eyes tightly. He was supposed to be in bed, lights out, and quiet. They would check. They would know.They would hurt him.This guard, the one his mind was telling him was Heero, was ordering him to do this, though. Didn't that make it all right?
"I'll do what you say," Duo told him. "I will. I will..."
Heero nodded and pulled out onto the road.
Duo felt sick, whether from the drugs or the unfamiliar motion of the jeep, he wasn't sure. His hunger gnawed at him as well, enough that he might have eaten, despite the time, if this guard offered him something. Nothing was forthcoming, though. He staggered when the jeep stopped at a rundown airstrip hardly large enough for take off, and was almost carried when they made their way to a small plane.
Duo was given another shot, one that almost had him unconscious as he was strapped into a rear seat. Heero slid in next to him and he motioned the pilot to take off. The feel and sound of the plane was enough to send Duo over the edge, despite the drugs, but they kept his muscles lax and the straps kept him down as he threw up bile and sobbed.
"Winner better not find out about me," the pilot growled, "And you better clean up my damn plane."
Heero slipped him a few more credits. "Shut up and clean it out yourself."
The man grunted sourly and concentrated on his flying as Heero checked Duo's eyes again and made sure that his breathing was clear. Holding a fist into Duo's jacket, just to be certain that Duo didn't make any attempt to bail out, he used his other to check his GPS map.
"We'll be dropped off far from our destination," Heero told Duo, as if he understood."Hiking in is the only way to reach the cabin."
"I don't know what you're doing," the pilot said. "Bad cases of 'dep' don't get cured by hikes in the mountains. Usually, they're head cases that need padded cells for the rest of their lives."
"It's not that kind," Heero growled back. "Duo only has to realize that he's not a prisoner any longer and that he doesn't need to mentally defend himself."
"Ah, I remember that from the war, "the man grunted. "It's part of every soldier's training, 'How to get through interrogation procedures without spilling secrets 101'. Being Gundam pilots, your training was probably a lot more intense."
Heero gave a short nod, but he said to Duo, "This is Carl Hogan. He was a mercenary during the war. We fought together... briefly. I knew that he lived near here and-"
"Called in a debt," Carl snickered. "You saved my life during the war. Didn't think you'd live through it to collect, buddy."
Heero ignored the comment and continued, "He won't inform anyone where we've gone."
"Honor among mercenaries, and all that," Carl interjected.
They were quiet for some time, Heero trying to keep Duo calm and in his seat and Carl trying to manuever through dangerous air currents.
"Drop off in six," Carl warned.
Heero nodded as Carl began to tick of the minutes, buckling Duo to his harness along with a large pack. When Carl reached the end of his countdown, Heero simply shoved the door of the small plane open and rolled out. Duo screamed all the way down.
_______________________________________________
Duo was limp and unconscious when they landed, unable to handle the drugs and the stress. Heero spent a few moments hiding the chute and cleaning Duo up, but then he was slinging both pack and Duo over his shoulders and carrying them into the wilderness.
It was cold, and some snow powdered the ground, but the brisk walk, and the heavy load, kept Heero warm as he used his GPS map to guide him through rough terrain.When Duo finally awoke, twitching and moaning, they had made it to a place well hidden from any casual overflights and satellites. Heero felt safe enough to let him down in a patch of dead leaves, keeping tight hold of one wrist just in case Duo was of a mind to run.
Duo's eyes were wide, his body drawing inward as he tucked hands and feet into the ball he was making of himself. He shivered all over, hair wild and half out of it's braid and lips blue with cold.
"We're going to a remote location," Heero explained. "We'll rest and eat once we get there."
Duo scooted away from the snow, only a few inches, but then he twitched in the opposite direction as his back brushed against evergreen branches. Snow dripped on his head and he ducked and flinched from that, panting like a trapped animal. Heero held onto his wrist through it all, a solid anchor. When Duo noticed it, he stared at Heero's strong hand. His eyes then traveled up to Heero's arm and then to his face.
"H-heero." It was the barest whisper.
"Yes," Heero told him firmly. "This is real. I am here. We are in a forest."
Duo's eyes flicked all around them and then back at Heero. "T-Too much."
"I know, but it will get better," Heero assured him.
Duo's hand reached out to Heero, almost touched, and then jerked back. He curled up tighter. "I'm trying... Can't... Don't shock me... I'm trying..."
Heero frowned and insisted, "The guards are gone, Duo. There is just me. This isn't a dream."
"I'm trying," Duo repeated, his hands moving around himself as if to ward off any sudden attack, but not knowing where it would come from.
Heero captured Duo's chin in his hand and brought Duo's attention back to him. "You are not in prison any longer. I am not a dream. This is real. You will walk with me."
Heero pulled Duo to his feet and shouldered the pack. Duo was crouched, eyes shut tight, but he followed obediently when Heero pulled him along behind him.It made the going difficult. Duo stumbled and grew quickly tired, still numbed by drugs and unused to anything but basic exercise.They were forced to rest often.At one such stop, Duo tried to crawl under the dark branches of an evergreen to hide from a world that had gone completely strange.
"No," Heero told him, with some sympathy as he kept Duo from his goal. "I know it hurts, Duo, but you can't hide any longer."
He was forced to carry Duo the last mile, negotiating a sharp dip into a valley, with extreme difficulty. They almost went down, several times, as rock and earth slid under Heero's feet, but then they were leveling out and facing the back of a log cabin.
"Home, at least for awhile," Heero announced, as he put Duo down, sweating with effort, and pulled Duo to the front of the cabin. A small, nearby lake sparkled with light and the deep forest was a dark blanket all around them.
"Hungry," Duo said in a small voice, ready to break any training to fill a stomach that was tight with pain.
Heero looked him over, at the hands clutched tight to Duo's heart, his frightened, wide eyes, and his defensive crouch. He was fully expecting to be punished for voicing his need.
"They use stun rods in prison. I know what one feels like," Heero told him. "I don't blame you for what you've done to avoid it."
Heero unlocked the cabin and took Duo inside. He let Duo find a corner to huddle in while he tossed their pack onto one of the two beds and opened a panel to turn on the fuel cells. He frowned when nothing happened.
"There might be some storm damage," Heero growled. I'll climb topside and see what shape the collectors are in."
Heero found them fouled with tree branches. It took only moments to clear them, but it was enough time for Duo to disappear. Heero didn't panic when he found Duo's corner empty. He thought logically and then opened a small storage cabinet. Duo had squeezed himself inside.
Heero sighed and pulled Duo out. He was, as always, unresisting, though his distress was clear. Heero seated him on one of the single beds."Don't move," he ordered, needing to not deal with Duo while he cooked.
Duo froze, stiff and obedient.
Heero grunted, not liking this new Duo. Duo should never be obedient and frightened, he thought, yet long years of nothing but doing as he was told, and avoiding punishment, could twist even the strongest psyche.
"They told me that you were well, when I asked," Heero said as he put a pot on the stove, added some stored water, and broke up a bar of dehydrated beef soup into it. "You were willingly refusing to comply with the peace treaty. I respected that, even though you were waging a battle that couldn't be won. After so many years, though, I began to think that you were... unstable in your persistence. I wrote a letter to Relena, suggesting that she require you to receive psychiatric help.She wrote back, informing me that you had told her, and the supplied doctor, that they were 'Fuckers', and that you were the only sane one."
Heero glanced over at Duo. Duo looked as if he were listening to the madness of a dream, head half cocked his way, and eyed unfocused.
"I wonder if you ever gave up your beliefs, in the end," Heero said thoughtfully, "or if they never gave you the chance to?"
The soup bubbled. Heero ladled it into bowls and then placed them on a small, rough hewn, wooden table. Taking Duo by the wrist, he brought the confused man to the table, and sat him down.
"Eat," Heero ordered, and then sat across from Duo with his own soup.
Duo stared at his soup, focusing as the rich smell hit his nostrils. His trembling hand fumbled for the spoon, and then he began to eat with the air of someone who knew he was doing something wrong.
"We fought together in the war... and after," Heero said between bites. "You were always there, joking, laughing, and persisting in calling us 'friends'. I thought you were an excellent soldier, the best pilot, and a man that I would want fighting by my side in any conflict, but I never thought of ourselves in those terms... not until afterward... not until I began to understand that life is pretty damned empty when you surround yourselves only with 'fellow soldiers'.
Remember when you were in the infirmary, after I rescued you from that installation? You said, "Could you please try to be a little nicer to me?" You wanted something back, and I couldn't give it, not then. Things are different now. I'm different. I understand what you tried to give me, back then, what you tried to make me understand. I've waited all of this time for you to be free from prison, so that I could be the friend that you wanted then . I didn't realize that the wait would be so long, or that most of it might not have been your choosing."
"I wanted..." Duo struggled, looking as if he didn't really want to respond to what he considered a hallucination, but needing to anyway. "I wanted you to say those things. I waited... I dreamed a lot... that you came... and said... said we were friends... and that you were... getting me out of there... but I knew..." He ducked his head as if to avoid a blow. "I knew you'd understand why I was there... Why I couldn't give in to them...Fuckers... They gave it all away for their own comfort... their 'peace'."His lips twisted bitterly. "You don't sell your freedom to sleep well at night in the jaws of the devil."
"You didn't do that," Heero replied.
"No, I didn't," Duo agreed and then continued to eat.
TBC