Heero leaned in close to Duo, admiring one, rounded shoulder, the strong line of Duo's neck, and the way his braid was coming undone and curling around his sleeping body like a cinnamon snake. The man was smiling even in his sleep, a quirky look of satisfaction on his long lips. Heero had an aching remembrance of that body, of possessing it utterly in the darkness. Duo had been wild, impassioned, needy. A weakness of will. A reaching out. Hands grasping. A breathless, "You know you wanna. Come on!" and Heero had fallen just that easily.
Things happened. Situations were tense and men needed stress relief. Heero had heard the stories hundreds of times from the other agents. Over and done afterward, they had all said. Don't remind me that I ever did that, some of them had lamented. It wasn't something that survived the light of day.
There had been something different in this act, though, that made Heero think that neither he, nor Duo, wanted to forget. Duo's desperately grasping hands, his impassioned, "You can do what you want. I'll take it. Guys need to, you know?" That had been followed by gasps of, "Okay, it's okay," when involuntary sounds of pain had been uttered, along with urges of, "Don't stop! I can take it. I wanna take it."
In the growing light of day, Heero felt a heavy guilt, a fear that he had been cruel in his need, a need that had been more about wanting Duo, than about releasing the pent up needs of a young body. That Duo had allowed it, had endured his clumsy, ignorant, assault, told Heero, clearer than words, that Duo's need hadn't been about lust either.
"Sorry," Heero breathed against Duo's skin and Duo twitched in his sleep.
There was a gulf at Heero's feet, miles deep, and it was up to him to decide to leap into it from off of a safe ledge. Once he leapt, there wouldn't be any turning back. There would be commitment and a new way of life. He would be singling himself out from the crowd, out from 'normal', and into the glaring light of people's regard. That regard could be harsh. It could destroy careers. It could fill his life with the misery of condemnation.
Heero went hard thinking about Duo's heat, Duo's body curled beneath his, taking whatever he chose to impart. He remembered Duo's hard kisses, his grasping fingers leaving marks, and his panting words in Heero's ear, only half heard at the time. "Yeah, do it. I want it. I want you. I've always wanted you."
"Me, too," Heero whispered.
Heero crawled out from under the transport and went, naked, down to the bank of a little stream to clean himself off. The stream wove in and around a rocky patch of ground, before taking off down a steep ravine. The sun was making the water sparkle and that same sunlight showed Heero the blood on his hands and on...
Heero went cold and shaky with shock and fear.
"Sorry," Duo said in a small voice beside him. "T-that happens... I guess."
"You guess?" Heero choked and turned to find Duo wrapped in the camo blanket, his hair an untidy mess over one shoulder. His expression was one of embarrassment and uncertainty.
"I... I've never done it before, so... I don't know," Duo admitted and pulled the blanket tighter around himself as if for protection.
"Are you all right?" Heero asked anxiously, mind starting to function, to think of where the blood had come from and what that might mean if he had hurt Duo badly enough.
"Hurts, a bit," Duo replied ruefully and then tried on a grin and added with forced bravado, "It's okay, though. We had some fun, right, and got rid of some tension? It's all good."
Duo tried to move past Heero to wash in the stream, but Heero caught his arm. He could feel Duo's tension.
"It's not good," Heero told him firmly.
"I won't tell anyone," Duo promised, not looking at him. The smile was gone, replaced by a thin, bitter line.
Heero made an exasperated sound. "That's not what I meant. It's not good that I hurt you. You shouldn't have let me. Do you think that I wanted our first time to be like that?" Duo looked startled and then confused.
Heero pulled him in close and looked into his eyes. He smoothed strands of hair out of Duo's face and said, unsteadily, not sure of Duo's reaction, "That wasn't about 'getting off'. That was about me wanting you."
"Yeah?" Duo suddenly didn't sound anymore steady than Heero.
"Yeah," Heero affirmed with a small smile, gaining confidence that Duo wasn't immediately rejecting his confession. "Next time, we'll do things right, okay?"
"That would be good," Duo agreed with a nervous chuckle, but then, hopefully, "There will be a next time?"
Heero didn't hesitate to take the leap. "Unless you want to spend our lives together celibate?"
Duo looked amazed and then warm as he slipped arms around Heero and replied, "No, not celibate, thanks."
"I'm glad," Heero said in relief and kissed Duo deeply.
END