Kracken
Disclaimer:I don't own them and I don't make any money off of this.
Warnings;Male/male sex, graphic, violence,past NCS, language.
Shinigami's Lover Four
Believe
"Don't go, Wu Fei," Duo said as he tossed the car keys into the tray by the door and walked across the living room to the kitchen. "Drinks anyone?"
Soda and Kong settled on the carpet by the unlit fire place at their command, but looked nervously at each other, feeling the tension in the room.
Wu Fei had driven to their home in his own car as if he couldn't rest until he knew that his friends were safe at home. Heero had stitches under his left arm and several severe bruises along his back. Duo was sporting a cracked rib from his desperate dive to save a life and he was now holding one arm protectively around the wrapped injury as he fished out juice from the refrigerator and put it on the kitchen counter. He poured himself a glass of the juice.
"Well?" Duo prompted.
"Maxwell," Wu Fei grumbled. "If you're going to say something, say it. I want to go home."
Duo turned and glared with his glass in one hand. He motioned to the kitchen table. "Sit down."
Heero sat without a word, eyes on his hands as he clenched them together on the table top. Wu Fei was slower, still looking irritable. He said, "We followed orders and they were necessary."
"Necessary?" Duo growled. "Was endangering all of those people 'necessary'?"
Wu Fei snorted with a superior air. "They were not in danger. We could have stopped you-"
"Like you stopped those terrorists?" Duo snapped, reminding them both of that failure, and then he suddenly pulled his gun from his holster under his arm. Wu Fei reacted at the first twitch in that direction, but Duo had his gun pressed to Wu Fei's temple before Wu Fei could get his gun aimed in Duo's direction. "Bang," Duo said quietly and then lowered and reholstered his gun. He turned away and slammed his glass on the counter. Juice sloshed. "You always underestimate me."
Wu Fei swallowed hard as he put his own gun away and then he looked at Heero. Heero's return look was dark and pained. "They said that they wanted to make you nervous," Heero finally explained, turning to Duo. "They didn't tell me that they were going to use those tactics. I never would have agreed to it, Duo. You must know that?"
"You tricked me and you put those people in danger. That's all I DO know," Duo retorted.
"They are not naive," Wu Fei told him. "They made the decision even when we warned them what might go wrong. They thought that you were worth the risk. They wanted to keep you on the force that badly, Duo." He looked frustrated as he stood up.
Duo turned to look at him. "How would you feel?"
Wu Fei shrugged. "I would be angry." He fiddled with his jacket zipper. "Realize, though, Duo, that we never meant to hurt you in any way. That we would never allow it."
Duo tried to maintain his glare, his indignation, and then suddenly deflated. "You weren't right, doing what you did to me."
"We know that, but it had to be done," Heero replied. "If I had warned you, you would have lost your position, and then.... God, Duo! I know that's not what you wanted! I took the chance that you would stay in control... believed that you could do it... but damn if I wasn't ready to stop you if I was wrong. I had my hand on my gun. I was ready... ready to shoot you! You may be faster than Wu Fei, but I know... I know you're not faster than I am!"
Heero was shivering. He stood up and his chair made a loud dragging sound as he threw himself from the table, yanked open the back door, and stalked out into the back yard.
"I'm the one that's supposed to be upset!' Duo yelled after him and then clenched a hand in Soda's fur when the dog came running to see what was wrong.
Wu Fei sat heavily in his chair again and ran a hand over his face. "Duo, it's all right to be angry, but it's over. If you like, you can file an official protest and have the entire panel of officers put on suspension if your sense of honor is that compromised."
"Should I add your names to the list?" Duo wondered acidly as he jerked a rag from the sink and began cleaning up the spilled juice with angry motions. He stopped suddenly and fisted the rag until the juice squeezed out again. "Wu Fei... don't... don't ever let that happen again, okay?"
"I swear, my friend, I didn't know that they would question you like that, " Wu Fei said quietly. "Exciting you, putting you under pressure, shouldn't have included such mental... torture."
Duo threw the rag at the sink and glared. "That's exactly what it was too!"
Wu Fei nodded and then said more firmly, never one to allow weakness, "You passed the trial though. You are still a Preventer agent. ... and, perhaps, you proved something to yourself as well?"
Duo raised eyebrows and asked sarcastically, "What was that, Wu Fei, that I can dive more than six feet and not smash my brains on a marble floor?"
Duo hugged his aching ribs miserably. Wu Fei regarded him for a long minute, letting Duo calm, and then he said, "Weren't you doubting yourself before today?"
That made Duo start and then he scowled. "If you think that lets you off the hook..." He searched for a way to make Wu Fei understand how he felt and found it. It was a two edged weapon, though, and he used it gingerly. "Suppose they had made you relive the destruction of L5 over again, Wu Fei? For whatever reason, you'd be pissed, right? So stop acting like I should just get over it."
Wu Fei had been about to stand up. He sat down again, heavily, going pale, hands fisting on the table top. They shook. It took him more than a few minutes to reply. Duo waited patiently, feeling sick for having hurt his friend, but knowing that Wu Fei did have to understand.
"I'm sorry, truly sorry," Wu Fei said under his breath, staring at nothing very hard.
"Yeah..." Duo rubbed the back of his neck and then said, "Stay for dinner, okay? We should all eat before we pass out."
Wu Fei looked at him, startled, and then nodded solemnly.
Duo sighed heavily and then started for the back door, limping and exhausted. "Now I have to knock some sense into my other half. Mind starting some pasta? That should be quick."
A strange look crossed Wu Fei's face and then he smiled as if relieved. "I will gladly cook."
That seemed to hold more meaning than the simple words implied. Duo blinked at his lover's partner as the man stood and went to the cabinets to find a pot and the pasta. He seemed... happy. That unnerved Duo, but he decided to save the mystery of that for later. First things first. It was time to talk to Heero, though he thought that it was going to be easier than talking to Wu Fei. Heero at least half understood already.
Heero was standing by the back kennel, staring at the 'puppies' that were left over, who hadn't been trained enough to be assigned to agents. The puppies were wagging tails and wiggling for attention. Heero had one hand through the chain link and was rubbing ears.
"I didn't know," Heero said when Duo approached. "I swear, Duo-"
"You don't have to swear," Duo told him. He stuck hands in his pockets and sighed. "So much could have happened, Heero. You expected too much from me. I-I could have disappointed you in a very dangerous way. What do you think that would have done to me, if I had fallen apart and... and attacked those people?"
Heero replied as he left the puppies and turned to him, eyes downcast, "It was supposed to be simple, just enough to make you nervous. I knew that you could handle that. I thought... I thought it was a way to show you... You doubt yourself so much, sometimes."
"And you don't?" Duo retorted.
"You want absolutes," Heero told him, almost in exasperation. "There isn't a man alive who can predict how he will react in every situation, every time. The officers who tested you knew that. I know that. We can only trust and hope for the best, hope that our decisions are the correct ones, that you can maintain control when it counts most. Testing you was only a means to make certain that you weren't on a hair trigger, nothing more."
Duo rubbed at his eyes. "So... It was all just so they could make a nice report, covering their backsides by pointing out that they had crossed their t's and dotted their I's before Duo Maxwell went nuts and-"
Heero scowled and his exasperation was plain now. "Duo! They did it so that they could keep a damned good agent on the force. Stop... Stop belittling yourself. Stop being afraid..."
Heero stepped forward tentatively. He reached out, took hold of the end of Duo's braid, and rubbed it gently between his fingers. "I know what you want to say to me. You want to tell me how hurt you are, how much what they did, what Wu Fei and I did, caused you pain and terrible memories. I would do anything, Duo, to call back that moment in time, stop them before they said those things to you." His eyes met Duo's and they were full of pain. "Please... can you forgive me?"
Duo reached out and his hand closed on Heero's where it held his braid. He squeezed tight. "This is about so many things, Heero, but let's put aside my lack of self esteem and how screwed up that 'test' was, because I think you get that part, and let's talk about trust, okay? You and Wu Fei lied to me. We're partners. We depend on one another. How can we stay partners if I can't trust you two any longer?"
Heero grimaced, and for a moment Duo was afraid that he was going to cry. He ducked his head. "Duo-," he began in a choked voice.
Wu Fei's voice cut over his. They both turned and looked at the man as he bowed very low and said formally, "You can trust us because I give you my word that I will never allow such a thing to happen again. I will never place you in a false situation with false information. I will never, knowingly, allow someone else to do so either. "
Heero bowed too and pressed Duo's braid and hand against his cheek as he said with heartfelt passion, "I give you my word as well, Duo."
Duo sighed and replied, "That's nice, guys, but you'll have to spend some time proving that you mean what you're saying."
Heero and Wu Fei straightened and looked contrite.
"I'm going to stay mad for awhile," Duo warned them as he began walking back to the kitchen. As they followed him, he added, "You're damned lucky I'm even giving you the chance to make this right."
Both Heero and Wu Fei remembered the manic Shinigami from the war who trusted no one and could kill in the throes of his mistrust and fear. Duo's comment wasn't petulant or self indulgent, it was a reminder of that past and a warning. Heero heard another meaning as well and remembered the consequences of frightening the abused child at the center of Duo's battered soul, months of alienation.
Once back in the kitchen, they saw that Wu Fei had put a large bowl of pasta and buttered toast at the center of the table. "Filling and easy on the nerves and the stomach," he told them.
"We can make up for it when we all have breakfast, tomorrow," Duo muttered as he dished himself out a bowl and snagged a slice of toast. When Wu Fei raised an eyebrow at him, Duo told him, "Stay the night. It's too late and you're too tired to drive."
Again, Duo saw that... pleased... glow overcome Wu Fei. When Duo took a bite of the pasta and found that it was very good, Wu Fei glowed even more at the praise. Duo looked past his anger and realized what had been in front of him all along. Wu Fei wasn't the standoffish workaholic, who loved his solitude, that Duo had thought him to be. Wu Fei was lonely.
Duo's anger still simmered, but it suddenly took a step backwards, allowing him to say, "Hey, Wu-man, you should spend more time hanging out with us. We can work our dogs together, go over our mission specs, and just have some fun once in awhile. It'll give you a chance to prove that I can trust you again, too."
"I will prove it to you," Wu Fei promised.
Duo looked from Heero to Wu Fei. "Make me believe in you again," he said fervently as they met his eyes, "the both of you."
After dinner, Wu Fei took one of the spare bedrooms and Heero and Duo dragged themselves wearily to their own bedroom. Heero paused at the doorway, tense.
"I should-" Heero began, intending to sleep elsewhere, but Duo reached out and took his hand, expression serious.
"I love you," Duo told him. "We just survived something that had the odds all against us. Maybe I am mad at you, but, I need you too." He gave Heero's hand a tug. "Get in here, Yuy."
Soda was already curling up on his dog bed in the corner of the room, watching them with large, warm, liquid eyes.
Heero locked the bedroom door and then allowed Duo to take him to their bed.They undressed, watching each other, unsure, and didn't go further than stripping down to their briefs. Heero stood relaxed and unmoving then, waiting for Duo to take the lead, knowing that the memories that had been stirred up that day were probably eating Duo alive. Sex was not on either of their minds. Being together, comforting each other, and healing the wound between them was.
Duo's hands clenched. "I hate this," he said angrily. "I hate that you were a part of putting us here." One hand unclenched then and reached out to touch Heero. Heero took it and gently kissed the palm.
"I'm -I'm so sorry, Duo...," Heero said around a lump in his throat and a clenching pain around his heart.
"I know you are," Duo replied. His other hand caressed through Heero's tangled hair and came back with some blood. He thought of showers, but felt too vulnerable... too needy... and that was different. In quiet amazement at himself, Duo realized that panic and violence wasn't a part of his reactions to Heero. There was nothing to clamp down on, nothing to strangle before it could be acted upon. He felt reasonable, rational, and very aware of where he was, in what time he was, and that Heero had nothing to do with the fears that had been stirred up.
Tears stung Duo's eyes. "I-I..." He couldn't find the words to express how he felt, how much of a burden was suddenly lifted from his shoulders, and he didn't want to acknowledge, just then, that it had taken the inquiry to show him just how far he had come. It would be too much like telling Heero that he had been right to participate in it.
Heero lifted the end of Duo's braid and kissed it. "Bed?" he urged. "We both need to sleep, Duo."
Duo nodded, swallowing hard. He suddenly leaned forward and kissed Heero passionately. Caught off guard, Heero seem suspended by his lips, shock and then desire making him close his eyes and take a deep breath. Duo broke the kiss, looked into Heero's opening eyes with his heart shinning from his own, and said softly, "I want you where I have always wanted you, Heero, with me."
End of Shinigami's Lover Four
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End