Kracken
Disclaimer:I don't own them and I don't make any money off of them.
warnings:Male/male sex, graphic, language, violence, past NCS
Shinigami's Lover 4
Sequel to
Flash
"See, told you you'd be happy about Mr. Mildew before the trip was over." Duo grinned at his huddled comrades.
"Don't touch the sides or the canvas will leak," Heero warned them with a grumble as he shifted their supplies to make more room. A wind howled outside and leaves and debris splattered across the material as the storm grew even worse.
Wu Fei had curled in a corner and he was reading a book by the light of a fuel cell lamp and ignoring everyone. His dog was curled up beside him, asleep and not making trouble for once.
"At least it's warmer with all of us together," Duo said as he positioned his sleeping bag so that Heero was between him and everyone else. Soda was nervous, panting and moving about. Duo finally reached over, grabbed his thick ruff, and pulled until the dog was lying down. "Green, Soda, " Duo told the dog, but the animal could feel his nervousness and he wasn't convinced.
"That smell is going to keep me awake," Kit grumbled as she used Grange's legs as a backrest. The man was stretched out, his large body taking up most of the room at the center of the tent, and he was asleep.
Duo smirked, "Grange's snoring won't?"
Grange was snoring, softly, but it had the potential of getting worse.
Kit put on an air and replied, "Since I've never slept with him before, I wouldn't know."
Duo arched an eyebrow. "You've NEVER slept with him?" When Kit nodded, he chuckled, "Guess you're losing your bed virginity tonight then."
Kit glared. "Since we've both been on exercises that required us to sleep with dozens of men, I think I've already lost that."
Heero suddenly interjected himself with the speed and determination of someone throwing themselves on a live grenade to save others. "Have you outlined a schedule of activities for tomorrow?"
Kit looked at Heero with surprise, but Duo knew what his lover was doing. His thoughts had jumped to dark memories at Kit's words and he knew he did need the distraction. He allowed himself to be led, listened while Kit outlined some activities and Heero asked for more detail than was necessary. The moment passed and so did the memories that had nipped on the edges of consciousness. Duo let them go and he smiled when Heero turned to ask his opinion about something.
"You know I love you, right?" Duo suddenly blurted.
Heero blinked and then he smiled. "Yes," he replied and then reached
out and stroked the end of Duo's braid. "If you want to, we could take
a hike tomorrow, just the two of us."
Duo smiled warmly. "I'd like that."
"If the weather clears, you mean?" Kit grumbled.
"I already checked the weather readouts," Wu Fei said over a page of his book, glasses perched low on his nose. "The weather system should be gone by early afternoon." His brow crinkled. "I don't like the idea of a schedule. I think that I will concentrate on working with my dog."
"Mutiny!" Kit exclaimed, but she looked more amused than angry. "Don't blame me if there isn't anything to eat tomorrow."
"I would like a vacation, " Heero told her. "Not a survival course, but if you list some things that you would like us to look for while we are hiking-"
Kit's eyes lit up. "As a matter of fact, there are some things like mushrooms and berries that you could look for."
"Acceptable," Heero agreed.
"Let's get to bed then," Duo suggested and slipped into his sleeping bag. "Wu Fei... light?"
Wu Fei set the light aside, turned it down, but didn't turn it out completely. Duo met his eyes over the top of the lamp's glow and he knew that Wu Fei understood his nervousness. It embarrassed Duo and he hunkered behind Heero, who had already automatically rolled up in his sleeping bag in a defensive position, facing towards the others. Soda curled up between them, a warm, comforting presence.
"I feel like such a psycho," Duo whispered.
"Think how far you've come," Heero replied when Duo didn't expect one.
Duo knew that Heero was right. Before therapy, and even some time afterward, he wouldn't have been able to even contemplate sleeping like that. He looked over Soda and Heero's shoulder at his sleeping companions. Kit had curled up next to Grange and gone to sleep as neatly as a cat. Wu Fei was finding a comfortable position. Grange had indeed begun to snore more loudly. Duo analyzed how he felt about their closeness, about the weather having forced them together in one tent.
"It's all right," Duo whispered to Heero and he could almost feel Heero smiling, though he couldn't see it with his lover's back turned to him. And it was all right. Duo found himself nodding off, exhausted from the day and the bad weather. He stirred only once during the long night when Wu Fei suddenly cursed.
"Fool dog! You touched the canvas. Now water is dripping on me!"
Duo snickered and went back to sleep.
--------------------------
"Okay," Duo said as he dumped the fish and a metal pan of berries by the fire. "We did our caveman duty, so may we go now?"
Kit eyed the food and then grinned. "You did good. You may go. " She started to say something else and then laughed. "You're Gundam pilots. I guess I'll keep my mother hen comments to myself."
Heero snorted. "Yes, do," he retorted as he hefted a pack to his shoulders.
Duo snickered at Heero. "He's got all of that covered and then some. Heero, we're just going to be gone for a few hours, you don't have to bring anything except a compass and a canteen of water."
Heero grunted and made the pack more comfortable on his shoulder.
Duo made an exasperated sound. "Between you and Kit, I don't think I'll be allowed to even get a splinter in my finger."
Grange was rubbing a hand through his hair as he crouched by the fire. He had slept late, and, once up, he hadn't done anything except drink coffee and hover at Kit's side, much to her annoyance. Wu Fei had been his opposite, rising early, doing his exercises, meditating while his dog did his best to keep him from it, and then doing odd jobs around the camp with quiet efficiency.
The lighter tents had been no protection against the storm and Kit's had blown into the rain swollen river and floated downstream. Even the canvas tent had been sorely tested, but it was still standing, soaking wet outside, but proof against the elements inside. Duo had been very smug about his tent's accomplishments. 'Insufferable', Wu Fei had called it, and only then had Duo relented in his praises for 'Mr. Mildew'.
"Come on, Soda," Duo called unnecessarily, " and you too Heero," he added with a sigh.
Heero smirked at him. "If you'd rather be alone with your dog..."
"Very funny," Duo retorted softly. "Fall in, Yuy, we're headed into the deep woods."
"If you aren't back by evening, I'll send Grange after you, "Kit called after them with a tone in her voice that told them she would have liked to send the man with them now.
"You'd think he'd have a clue," Duo snorted as he and Heero disappeared into the deeper trees with Soda at their heels. "He isn't scoring any points with her for being Mr. macho man."
Heero, walking ahead of him, only shrugged. Duo could see his tenseness. He sighed. "See, this is perfect for me, alone with you, away from other people, but for you, it's just the opposite. If this is too much, we can go back, Heero."
"I was proud of you last night," Heero said, "I think I want you to be proud of me too. I'll be okay once we walk for awhile."
"Once you convince yourself that Oz soldiers aren't going to jump from behind every tree?" Duo wondered. Heero's shoulders gave a small shudder. It was territory they had religiously avoided up until then. Being at the heart of Heero's troubles, though, was opening up a collection of old questions that had never been answered fully. Duo touched those questions gingerly, expecting them to burn, expecting his sensitive psyche to recoil. He had come a long way since then though, and, though he felt some fear and wariness, it wasn't the manic, gut wrenching fear he had experienced years ago when his mental wounds had been open, raw, and vulnerable.
As they walked through the lush green of the forest, weaving in and out of the broad tree trunks and being dappled with sunlight, Duo thought of his own secrets, his own collection of unanswered questions. He had never told Heero anything about his stay at the institute or his suicide attempt. He had wanted to move past it all, to leave it in the past with so many other pains. He was good at that, Heero was too. They threw down the blast doors of mental gundanium and went on as if they had been reborn. It was a false birth, though, and Duo knew that too well. The mental blast doors had a habit of failing at the worst of times.
"Heero..." Duo hardly knew where to start. He wasn't really sure that he wanted to. The forest, the quiet, the calmness of their surroundings seem to invite confidences though. "Can I tell you something kind of heavy, or should I save it and let us enjoy the walk?"
Heero looked back at him, almost stopping, a frown on his face. That made it harder, somehow.
"Uh, could we keep walking though," Duo asked, embarrassed, "I mean, if you want to talk?"
Heero nodded and then began walking again, knowing what Duo wanted to ask and maybe not wanting to answer. Duo cleared his throat, one hand kneading Soda's thickly furred neck as if soaking up support. "I think I should tell you a few things... about me... about what happened right after the war..."
"It won't change how I feel about you," Heero told suddenly, his voice tense.
"I love you, you know?" Duo said and wrapped his arms over his chest, almost defensively guarding his heart. "You stuck with me no matter what. I know it won't make you run away, me telling you these things, but, we shouldn't keep secrets like we don't trust each other. I do trust you... so... I guess... I just hope that you won't think..."
"What?" Heero prompted.
Duo swallowed hard. "I wasn't exactly the bravest person or... well, crawling into a hole and burying myself, because I was afraid, isn't exactly something I want to tell you about."
"I know that you were upset, " Heero replied. "I know that you thought that you didn't have a place in peacetime."
"I had a place with you," Duo said self deprecatingly, "but I panicked. I thought, 'I try to kill anyone who comes close to me. How can I live in a peaceful world being like that?' I didn't have an answer. I just..."
"Went out onto a balcony and tried to blow your brains out," Heero whispered and his voice held all the anguish that he still carried with him from that day. "There was blood everywhere. I thought that you had succeeded. I took the gun... I was going to join you. If Quatre hadn't shouted that you were alive..."
Duo shuddered and his hand unconsciously touched the scar creasing his forehead. "I'd lost it. I wasn't thinking rationally. If I had been, I wouldn't have tried it. Being without you... leaving you behind... I never want to do that. I didn't then. I just... well... I had to go into a mental institution. That says it all, doesn't it?"
Birds sang and one flitted over Heero's head, a red cardinal. Duo watched it wing it's way into the leaves of a tree up ahead. "Can I ask?" Heero wondered, tentative, not at all sure of Duo's mood.
"Yes," Duo replied tensely, "But I'm going to ask too, Heero."
There was a long, long silence and then Heero replied. "All right."
Duo rubbed at his face and then, with a mouth gone dry with nerves, he said, "They drugged me for awhile. I was violent. The first week, I put two men in the hospital. Then, they sent me a specialist and he told me, in no uncertain terms, that I was a danger to society and that I wouldn't be released until I had rehabilitated myself." Duo couldn't help smirking. "I could have left that place easily. They didn't have squat for security." He grew serious again, "but I called you, remember?" He saw Heero nod. "You were so worried," Duo recalled, "So full of love and promises that we would be together, that we would make things work even if we had to live where there were no people."
Duo looked at the forest all around them, savoring it's peace, but then he frowned. "This is nice, but... it's not how I want to live my life. I decided, then and there, that you deserved more than a lunatic killer for a lover and that I needed to give the institute the chance to make me that person. "
"I would have done it," Heero said. "I would have gone anywhere and done anything to be with you."
"I know," Duo replied, "But that wouldn't have been right to ask of you. You shouldn't suffer because of me." He cleared his through and pushed his unruly bangs out of his eyes. "I needed to get help, Heero. I didn't need you to let me get away with not facing up to my past and what it made me."
"They made you face it?" Heero asked in anguish.
Duo swallowed hard and then managed in a strained voice, "Yeah, every bit of it. They made me pull apart my life, thread by thread, and they made me examine each one along with them. They made me relive everything and they told me... they explained... they told me that none of it was my fault." Duo put a hand to his mouth and choked on a sob he hadn't been prepared for. Heero turned at once, but he didn't touch, didn't reach out. He took two steps towards Duo and his comfort was in his eyes, in every fiber of his body. Duo went on under that gaze, stumbling over his words. "They told me... I wasn't a bitch... wasn't a whore... wasn't nobody or nothing because of what they'd done.... and they told me... told me that I wasn't helpless."
Duo hid in his hands, braid snaking down and hanging loosely as his breath shivered in and out of his lungs. Heero took hold of the end of that braid and rubbed it between his thumb and fingers.
"Do you know," Duo said hoarsely after a few moments, "That was it all along... that I thought it could happen again... that I couldn't stop it if it did... that I was just marking time until someone but that collar back on me and put me 'to work' again."
"Duo," Heero said in anguish. "Love... you're so strong, so deadly, so competent... How could you think..."
"I did!" Duo gasped out and looked at him with eyes wet with tears. "I was still a little boy, you see, a scared, helpless, little boy. They taught me, slowly and painfully, through long therapy sessions, that I had grown up." He snorted, but it was half a sob. "How pathetic is that? See why I didn't want to tell you?"
"No, I don't." Heero said as he very slowly moved forward. Watching Duo's reaction carefully, he slid an arm around Duo's waist. Duo fell against him, all at once, burying his face in Heero's chest "Can't you see how brave you are for going through that? How much you had to endure to be what you are today? Don't belittle that, Duo. Please don't. You can trust me with anything and I will always love you; respect you. Having finally heard what happened at the institute, I respect you and love you even more. "
"Respect me?" Duo snorted and wiped at his eyes. "Yeah, a man who needs a doggie babysitter is deserving of a whole lot of that! Soda is proof that I didn't pass with flying colors."
"Mental scars are not any different from physical ones," Heero argued. "Are you going to think less of a man who needs an artificial leg or do you think he should hop around his entire life without one?"
"Uhm... since you put it that way..." Duo murmured, not totally convinced.
Heero put a finger under his chin and lifted so that he could look into Duo's eyes. "It's true. Believe it. The only difference between you and a man who lost a leg, is that you've healed enough not to need Soda any longer."
They studied each other for a long moment and then Duo sighed. "How do you do that? Make everything all better?"
"I wish that were really true," Heero replied.
Duo ducked his head. "Yeah, I know..."
They began walking again, much slower now, not picking any direction, just walking randomly. Heero knew what was next and Duo could see his steely eyes boring into their surroundings, his entire psyche waiting for a question from Duo as if he were waiting for a bullet instead.
"Long ago, when I thought you were dead, captured, lost in the forest," Duo began tentatively. "and then you appeared and I saw... I saw dead Oz soldiers and... It looked like they had... tortured someone..." He didn't think that he was making sense, as he struggled with his fears and the need to not hurt Heero.
As if he were reciting from a report, Heero replied, "I was captured. They tied me up, tortured me to get information, and then raped me for revenge. I was able to free myself, but not before-"
"Stop!" Duo shrieked it, shaking hard, eyes wide and running with tears.
Heero turned with a face like stone and regarded Duo as if nothing mattered and emotions were foreign to him. He said, "I never told you because I knew that you couldn't hear it without having an episode. Duo, I was trained to endure even that by Dr. J. It wasn't anything to me, just another battle wound; something that needed to heal so that I could fight again. I wasn't helpless. I wasn't a child. I was a soldier on a mission." He faltered at the look of pain on Duo's face. "I can't say that it didn't effect me in some ways, and that it doesn't still make me nervous of some situations, but that's a mental scar, like yours, that may never go away. When you get burned badly, your mind learns to avoid the flames, sometimes whether you want it to or not."
"Stop denying what you feel!" Duo shouted again and he was suddenly in Heero's arms and holding him fiercely. "Don't pretend you're still a soldier. We've gone way past that, Heero Yuy! You don't have to be the stone cold killer and you don't have to protect me by pretending that you're fine!"
Heero returned Duo's embrace, chin resting on Duo's shoulder. He let out a gusting sigh. "I'm sorry. I should have told you about that, once I knew that you were better, that you could hear it."
"I'm sorry that I didn't tell you about my own trip through hell, too,"
Duo replied. "Can we..." he faltered.
"Duo?" Heero prompted anxiously.
"Can we both not be fine for a little while... since we're out here all alone and nobody has to know?" Duo asked in a small, trembling voice.
"Yes," Heero and then in anguish, "Yes, my love." and then they sank down to the ground in each others arms and let the tears fall.
Read more of Kracken's fiction and fanfiction at http://kracken.bonpublishing.com
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Kracken has a yaoi book published, The Angel Within, at amazon.com. http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0974416002/qid%3D1066434868/sr%3D11-1/ref%3Dsr%5F11%5F1/102-2967152-0308168
and at her publishing website at http://www.bonpublishing.com. Thank you to
everyone who already bought the book. *hugs*