Disclaimer: I don't own them and I don't make any money off of this.
Warnings; Male/Male sex. Graphic. Violence. Language. Very, very angsty. So, if you are sensitive, please move along...
"I love waking up next to you, Baby," Dee sighed as he rolled over in bed and tried to pull Ryo into his embrace.
Ryo squirmed and put a hand against Dee's face, pushing him away irritably as he tried to keep on sleeping. "Iie! Do shite no! You have 'morning breath' and, no, I am not doing anything with you before work."
Dee sat up, testing his own breath and then grimacing. Stale cigarettes and a beer nightcap were a foul combination after a long sleep. He brightened wickedly. "I'll brush my teeth and be right back."
Ryo screwed up his face and hunched deeper under the comforters. "Iie-No! I want to sleep," he groaned around a yawn and his dark eyes closed.
Dee glared and then let out a gusting sigh, "Guess the honeymoon is over."
"At five in the morning, yes," Ryo replied with his eyes still closed, still irritable, but more sympathetic to his lover's mood. "After work and a hot shower, it's not."
Dee grinned, slapped Ryo on his blanket covered behind, and bounced out of the bed. Snatching cigarettes from the dresser, he lit one and went to the window of the bedroom. Opening it, he had a fine view of a red, brick wall and a scrawled bit of graffiti that was, luckily, in gang code. Dee sat on the sill as the exhaust fumes and odd smells of a teaming city drifted in along with the constant, low sound of people on the move. He blew smoke out of the window, adding to the pollution with unconcern, and then looked back at his sleeping partner.
Honey colored hair in the lamp light, glistening strands falling over a very handsome face that was a mixture of masculine and feminine. Dee sighed, feeling his heart constrict, hardly knowing how to deal with the happiness that engulfed him every time he stopped and said to himself, "Good, God! This man loves me!" It never ceased to amaze him and Dee didn't take it for granted.
"You're staring at me, aren't you?" Ryo's irritable voice came from the bed. "Dee! Come back to bed! We still have...," Ryo snagged the clock from his bedside table and squinted at it. He groaned and slapped it back with a disgusted motion. "How can it be time to get up, already? Dee, if I fall asleep on duty today..."
"I'll take all the blame!" Dee chuckled as he tossed his cigarette butt out of the window and then crossed the distance to the bed. Yanking the comforters off of Ryo, he said, "and, since it's already all my fault, I might as well go all the way!"
"Dee!"
Ryo sat bolt upright in all his glorious... he was wearing frumpy, flannel pajamas. Dee winced. "The honeymoon is definitely over! I guess I don't rate red silk any more?"
"It was cold!" Ryo complained as he snatched for his robe at the end of the bed. "It still IS cold!"
Dee was only dressed in his black sweat pants, upper body muscled and lithe. He raked his dark bangs out of his eyes with a rough, masculine motion of one hand as he climbed onto the bed like a cat ready to pounce on it's prey. Green eyes almost glowing with determination, Dee said, "Flannel can be taken off!" as he pushed down the waist band of his pants and showed Ryo an impressive erection. "Come to papa, Baby."
Dee found himself staring at a clock barely an inch from his face. Ryo held it with a scowl and then rolled away from Dee and climbed out of bed, tugging his robe after him. "We don't have time. I'm supposed to meet J.J. at the docks in an hour and a half. I also have to make Bicky's breakfast and make sure he gets to school."
Dee turned on his back and glared angrily, supported by his elbows, eyes accusing as he twitched his erection at Ryo. Ryo refused to look at it, even when Dee said, "You are so attentive to everybody else, why not me too? Where's my breakfast?" It was a blatant innuendo. Ryo only snorted at Dee's crudeness and went into the bathroom.
Dee stared down at his cock, caressed it, and then tucked it back into his sweat pants as he left the bed as well. "Later, boy," he whispered, "I promise."
Ryo leaned out of the bathroom door with a toothbrush in his mouth. He said around it, shaking his head, "Dee, you are the only person I know who talks to their-"
"If you start talking dirty you aren't going to be safe," Dee warned. Ryo took him seriously and ducked back into the bathroom. "Besides," Dee continued, indignant, "A lot of guys talk to their python. You're just too clean cut to know about stuff like that."
"Python...," Ryo snorted from the bathroom and then, irritably, "What do you mean, 'clean cut' ?"
Dee picked out his clothes haphazardly from the closet and threw them onto a chair. He picked up a shirt he had discarded on the floor the night before, sniffed it, deemed it clean enough, and added it to the pile as he replied," Well, you're not much for being 'one of the guys'. You're a lot more refined in your tastes."
There was a protracted silence. "Are you saying I'm snobby?"
Dee glanced at the bathroom, surprised. "I didn't say that!"
"Then I don't understand."
"You're just not interested in what most guys like to do, Ryo. That's not a bad thing, but it means that you aren't around guys when they scratch themselves, burp, and talk to their pythons," Dee explained.
"Oh, I suppose not," Ryo agreed. "For a minute, I thought-"
"What?" Dee wondered, understanding suddenly. "Did you think I was going to call you prissy or something?" He laughed. "You're a sharpshooter, a top notch detective, and you can kick my ass, and any criminal's ass, eight times out of ten." He thought about it and then added, "No, the odds are probably better than that. Your trainer was pretty pleased with you last session, I could tell, and that tight ass never has a good word to say about anybody."
"Thanks, Dee," Ryo said sincerely.
"You can thank me and the Python tonight," Dee retorted suggestively as he pulled on his clothes and padded into the living room. Bicky was already sitting blearily at the breakfast table, staring at nothing as if he thought breakfast would magically appear.
"You have two hands," Dee grumbled. "Grab a granola bar and some juice and make things a little easier for Ryo."
Bicky glared, the blonde, blue eyed African American looking like a rumpled gang member in his loose clothes and his turned back baseball cap. "I don't see you lifting a hand to make anything."
Dee smiled tightly, telling himself, internally, that he had promised Ryo not to have anymore knock down drag out word fights with Bicky, and that he was damn well determined keep that promise. "If you want me to make breakfast, I'll force you to eat it no matter how bad it turns out. Trust me, it can get pretty bad!"
Ryo came into the room then, thankfully, looking fresher and more awake than anyone had a right to be at that hour. His irritation was gone and he smiled and said a cheery good morning to Bicky as he tossed on an apron and began to cook breakfast in the cramped kitchen.
"You two aren't saying much this morning," Ryo called out to them. "If you start the day in a bad mood..."
"You'll end up having a bad day," Dee finished automatically as Ryo came out of the kitchen with a cup of coffee. Giving it to Dee, Dee gratefully sipped at it as Bicky gave him a sour look.
"I think Dee is only interested in talking to his dick," Bicky spoke up, unable to resist.
Ryo raised an eyebrow in warning. "Bicky!"
Dee's temper flared as his hands gripped his coffee mug hard. "You were listening again weren't you, you little... What's with you, are you training to be a narc or something?"
Bicky bristled. "I wasn't listening! You were yapping louder than a freakin-"
"Yameru! Both of you!" Ryo thundered and finished as they stared at him, stunned. Ryo lowered his voice and finished sweetly. "Let's try and be pleasant and eat our breakfast like people... not animals, shall we?"
Dee grumbled as he unfolded his paper and disappeared behind it. "Wasn't my fault."
"Wasn't mine either," Bicky retorted half heartedly.
"Then we don't have to continue, do we?" Ryo pointed out firmly as he went back into the kitchen to rescue their breakfast from burning.
"Dumbass," Dee hissed at Bicky under his breath.
"Stupid, pervert," Bicky returned, just as quietly.
"I CAN hear you!" Ryo snapped from the kitchen.
After a few minutes, Ryo brought them breakfast consisting of eggs and sausage, snatched the paper out of Dee's hands, and then went out onto their fire escape 'balcony' to sip his tea and read the police blotter, opting for the hub bub of the waking city rather than endure any more bickering.
"You are so 'whipped'," Bicky laughed.
"I didn't see you arguing with him," Dee shot back.
Bicky started as he realized it was true. Scowling, he ignored Dee to start on his breakfast, shoveling it into his mouth with the gusto of a teenager.
"Ryo will be picking you up at school today," Dee said around a mouthful of his own food. "He's working early with J.J. and I'm working late with Rose on a case, so try and be less of a pain in the ass. There's a lot of leg work to this case, so we're going to be damned tired for the next few days until we get it solved."
Bicky was used to that and he didn't question Dee about it. Dee wondered if he even worried about them, facing danger, maybe not coming back. He was a street kid through and through, taken care of by a drunken, drug dealing father, and then abandoned by relatives. Roaming the street, and getting into trouble, was second nature to Bicky and the cruel side of the Slum was an accepted given. To have been transferred into the care of two detectives, who faced that same kind of danger every day, must have been normal to Bicky, not something to get excited about. He probably didn't think about it, Dee thought grimly, and felt some sympathy for the boy.
"Stop staring at me, dumb ass!" Bicky snarled.
Well, not anymore, Dee thought angrily. If only Bicky would never open his mouth again, it might be possible for them to get along. Dee tried to ignore the boy, finished his breakfast, and was glad when Ryo came back inside and took Bicky out of his hands. His partner possessed almost endless patience, hardly ever losing his temper. He was always firm and no nonsense with Bicky. What Dee had to fight tooth and nail to get from the boy, Ryo received effortlessly, namely, Bicky's cooperation.
They gathered together, after a protracted battle to get ready, at the front door of their apartment building. A slight wind whipped their coats and ruffled their hair. Dee gave Ryo a brief peck on the check and a subversive grope along one hip under his lover's coat. Ryo started, but he gave a nervous, quiet laugh as he pulled away, quickly looking to see if anyone else on the street had noticed. It was New York, everyone ignored everyone else. People pushed by, oblivious.
"Tonight, Baby," Dee said a he began to turn away and head for his car with Bicky in tow. "J.J. better take good care of you, or else!"
"I can take care of myself, Dee!" Ryo retorted as he headed for the subway, but he wasn't really angry. "See you tonight."
Dee almost didn't say it. He was late. Bicky was already making snide observations. Dee could have walked away, but the old habit kicked in, the one he had learned from the veterans on the force. Always act as if it's the last time, because it might be. He turned, his coat belling out and whipping about like wings. "Ryo!" he called down the street. Ryo turned, frowning. "Love you!" Dee shouted as loud as he could, making people start and swing wide to avoid him.
Ryo's face broke into a smile. The day was overcast. Ryo was sunshine itself. "Love you, too!" He shouted back, waved, and then continued on his way.
"Terrific!" Bicky grumbled, walking away as if he didn't know Dee. "Why don't you just hump each other on the sidewalk next time?"
Dee caught Bicky by the collar, leaned close, and said viciously. "One more crack like that, junior, and Daddy Dee is going to have you scrubbing holding cells with a toothbrush!"
"Like they'd let you!" Bicky retorted, but he sounded unsure.
Dee grinned. "They would," he promised and gave Bicky a shove as they continued on to the car. "I'd enjoy every minute of it too."
Bicky glared over his shoulder. "Why can't I tell you what I think?"
That caught Dee off guard. It almost seemed like a reasonable question. "Stop being so foul mouthed, ask me something that makes sense, and I'll let you."
Bicky growled, "I just don't know why you have to paw Ryo all the time in front of people. It's not right! It's not even about you two being queers, or anything! I don't feel up Cal in public. She'd knock my head off!"
Dee blinked. It actually was a reasonable question, he just didn't like to hear it from a teenager. They found the car and climbed in. After Dee pulled out into traffic, he stopped Bicky from turning on the radio, replying, "Look, there's a lot of stuff you're probably not going to understand, but, I'll try and explain."
Bicky rolled his eyes as he sank into the passenger seat. "Give me a break!"
Dee gripped the steering wheel hard and counted to ten, and then twenty, until he calmed his temper. He replied carefully, "You have to understand something, Bicky. Ryo is a very uptight and inhibited person. Not even a year ago, he wouldn't have even admitted to being gay. Now, he lets me kiss him in the street and he doesn't die of embarrassment if I touch him where someone can see. He's a better person for it, Bicky. A person can't live their life keeping who they are a secret and being ashamed. Maybe you think I'm being crude and I'm hurting Ryo, but I think I'm helping him."
"Yeah, yeah!" Bicky grumbled uncomfortably. "You're right that he isn't such a tight ass any more."
"I'm not going to warn you again, Bicky, to watch your mouth," Dee snapped. "After everything Ryo's done for you, you should respect him more."
"You don't know what I'm thinking, so stop trying to make me out to be a bad guy!" Bicky protested, glaring from underneath his shaggy, blonde hair. "I get that he's helped me! I get that I'd be scraping food out of garbage cans in the slum without him. I get that I'm getting the chance to go to college soon because he's footing the bill. I get all of that! You don't need to keep putting my nose in it and saying I don't care about Ryo!"
Dee sighed. He pulled out a cigarette from a pack and almost lit up. Bicky yanked it out of his mouth as they pulled up to the school. "No smoking on school property, dumb ass cop!" Bicky warned.
"Yeah, sorry," Dee grumbled back and put his cigarettes away. He always thought better when he was smoking. It was hard to say the right things without that crutch. He made the attempt, knowing that he had to make Bicky understand.
"Bicky, " Dee began as he stopped at the school drop off and leaned on the steering wheel as he turned to the boy. "You aren't in the slum anymore. Things you could get away with saying there you can't get away with now. Being tough works there. Talking big and talking tough, keeps you alive. You can't play that game in this kind of life, Bicky. You won't get anywhere, especially into a college, calling the people who are giving their all to help you, tight asses and shit heads. Do you 'get' that?"
Bicky opened the door of the car and began to slide out. He looked thoughtful and he said, quietly, " It's hard. It's what I'm used to."
"It's what I'm used to, too," Dee replied knowingly, "but it doesn't make it right and it isn't something we can't unlearn, right?"
Bicky nodded, but then he said with a sneer that was all for Dee. "I'll try to watch my mouth abut Ryo, 'cuz he's a good guy, but you ARE a dumbass"
"Bicky!" Dee snarled, but the boy was flipping him off and striding away to join his friends. Red in the face, Dee groped for his cigarettes and put one to his lips. He began to light it, puffing in agitation, when a security man tapped on his window and frowned, pointing at the window.
Dee rolled the window down and the man said angrily. "You must know the law, sir."
Dee blew smoke out of the window in a white cloud and said as he began driving away, "I'll write myself a ticket." It was better than jumping after Bicky and throttling him front of all of his classmates.
Ryo had to catch a cab once he left the subway. The cabby seemed nervous about driving down to the abandoned section of docks and was clearly relieved when Ryo told him not to wait. J.J.'s car was already there and the young detective himself was standing beside it, frowning with his hands in his pockets, blinking against the morning fog.
"Morning," Ryo greeted him and gave J.J. a small smile.
"Yeah, morning," J.J. grumbled back with a frown. "Let's get this over with and get back to the station. It's cold this close to the water!"
J.J. still didn't like Ryo. He still hadn't given up the hope of someday convincing Dee to love him instead. He was a professional, though. Not willing to be pleasant, he was still willing to do his job and work with Ryo.
Ryo took out his small flashlight from a pocket and turned it on. Panning over the area, he nodded to one of the warehouses. It was dilapidated and looked as if it was ready to slide off of the wharf and into the water.
J.J. frowned dubiously as he lifted and turned on his own flashlight, the beam cutting through the fog with a yellow illumination. "It doesn't look safe."
"Part of the job," Ryo sighed and J.J. couldn't help greeting that well worn fact with a daring smile. He nodded, acknowledging to Ryo his willingness to continue.
Drug dealers had been reported using that section of docks for offloading to and from speedboats. Ryo and J.J. hoped to find the evidence that would justify a stake out of the area. The task had it's dangers, more so than simply being afraid of falling into the water or having the warehouse fall on their heads. There was a real possibility that they might run into the drug dealers themselves. Aware of that fact, both men had their hand on the butts of their guns.
The fog made everything dark and bleak. The smell of fish and refuse was strong in the air. Ryo smelled a whiff of urine. Glancing at J.J., he saw the man nod again, telling Ryo that he smelled it too. It was a sign that someone had been around the area recently.
Wood creaked under their feet as they entered the building. The lapping of water, the mournful cry of a seagull, and the soft in and out of their own breaths seemed unusually loud in that abandoned stillness. That stillness helped Ryo hear the footfall behind him.
Ryo whirled and pulled his gun. Holding it out in front of him, flashlight braced against it and shinning for a target, he yelled, "Freeze! Police!"
J.J. had turned and copied Ryo only an instant behind him. He was in time to see the flash of white sneakers, and a flapping coat, as a skinny figure bolted out of the warehouse door, Ryo in hot pursuit. The floor made such a horrible popping sound under Ryo's pounding feet, that J.J. gritted his teeth and muttered a prayer as he followed, floorboards breaking and bending under the assault.
J.J. didn't think that the wharf was in much better condition and he was right. Ryo and the fleeing man went down as the wood underneath them split and fell into the water. They scrambled to keep from following the falling wood, pursuer and pursued taking splinters and old nails into them as they clawed their way to a safer place that would hold their weight. Ryo still tried to hold onto the man, but he was left with only a coat as his suspect jerked out of it, scrambled up, and took off.
J.J. leveled his gun, but, by the time he shouted, "Halt or I'll shoot," it was already too late to actually carry out the threat. The man was gone into the fog. J.J. ran after him, leaving a recovering Ryo still tangled in coat and splinters of rotted wood.
J.J. lost his man quickly after that. Panting with exhaustion, he swore, kicked at the fog filled air, and then took a moment, scowling fiercely in anger and embarrassment, as he dealt with the fact that he had to go back to Ryo and report his failure. When he had calmed down and caught his breath, he returned to the dock, not relishing what Ryo was going to say to him.
J.J. found Ryo still sitting on the dock. He crouched by the man. The sun was beginning to pierce the fog, but it was too late, and it was only good for showing J.J. that Ryo was covered in blood and that he was digging things out of his skin.
"Shit!" J.J. couldn't help exclaiming and then he paled as he saw Ryo's expression turn sickly as the man looked down at the blood splattered coat and the corresponding blood on his hands. "Ryo," J.J. asked carefully, "How much of that blood is yours?"
"Not enough of it," Ryo replied tightly. "He bled on me, J.J., into the wounds on my hand and arms.... You didn't catch him?" It seemed a ridiculous question. It was obvious that J.J. hadn't, but J.J. knew all about grasping at straws in their dangerous line of work.
"No, I didn't," J.J. replied sympathetically, putting all of his rivalry and dislike for Ryo aside as they both tried to come to terms with what that admission meant for Ryo. No suspect. No blood test. No idea whether the man was infected or not.
"Let's clean the blood off," J.J. said lamely. "Maybe... maybe it hasn't-"
"You know it has," Ryo retorted, cutting him off, his handsome face set hard as he faced facts, knowing that they had to be faced. "Could you drive me to the hospital, please, J.J.?"
"Of course," J.J. replied, wondering for a moment why Ryo thought that he had to ask something like that and then recalling sharply their rivalry. "Truce for now, okay?" he said, only half joking, "We're partners today. Partners take care of each other, right?"
Ryo nodded and gave J.J. one of his blindingly emotional, bright, smiles; the ones he usually gave only to Dee. J.J. felt his heart stop at the innocent beauty of it. For a moment, a traitor thought remarked how damned lucky Dee was to wake up to that every day, but then his hurt and his own unrequited feelings stifled that.
"Come on, before the whole wharf collapses," J.J. said gruffly, trying to cover up everything he felt and do his duty; the duty that now required him to care for his downed partner.
"But that doesn't make any sense!" Dee exploded, tossing a crime scene map onto Rose's desk. Rose, a big blonde man with bright blue eyes behind wire rimed glasses, steepled his fingers and didn't allow himself to shout back. His granite jaw worked for a moment as he glared at Dee.
"Are you accusing my field men of not doing their jobs, Latener?" Rose asked dangerously.
Dee didn't back down. "I'm saying that they could have been more thorough! It's obvious to me that the crime scene was disturbed. If you're going to try and pin murder and drug dealing on these guys when we get a hold of them, then it had better be air tight. The position of this body," he stabbed a finger at the map, "and this one," he stabbed again, "is indicative of someone having rolled them and moved them, possibly to rob them after death. In that area of town, it wouldn't be surprising to find people with nerve enough to rob drug gang corpses."
Dee was right, but Rose was finding it hard to admit it. He didn't want to give Dee's bad attitude any encouragement by bestowing praise for his keen observations. "So, if we take this evidence to court, we may find ourselves facing a charge, by the defense, that the drug dust came from a drug addict rolling the bodies for drug money."
"Exactly," Dee agreed as he plopped back into his chair, dark bangs hanging in his angry face. "If those officers had done their duty, and left someone to watch the bodies while they pursued the suspects, we could have had some hard evidence to present."
"What do you suggest?" Rose wondered, seeing the case unraveling and wanting to grasp at anything to keep that from happening.
"I suggest we get some suspects from the street and make them squeal, or, better yet, just catch them in the act of going back to their supplier for more," Dee suggested. "It might take some long hours, but, eventually, someone is going to take us back to that wharf when all of our ducks are sitting pretty there."
Rose picked up a pencil, made some notes on a pad of paper, and then chewed on the end of the pencil. Dee could see that he had quickly calculated men, hours, and cost. "It will be hard to get approval," Rose told Dee sourly. "There have been so many budget cuts versus a rise in cases that need intensive manpower, that picking and choosing has become a necessity. Murder cases get priority, of course, so I may get some leeway on that account with the higher ups. We have six dead bodies, after all."
The phone rang. Rose answered it, shoving the file and the map back at Dee. He motioned Dee to go and Dee stood up with a sigh and gathered up the papers. For now, until Rose gained approval, there wasn't anything to be done about the case.
"It collapsed?" Rose said into the phone. Dee paused at the door to listen, startled by the anxiety in Rose's voice as the man continued, "Is he all right? What?!" Rose was standing up then, phone gripped so hard in his fist that Dee thought it would break in two. Rose's eyes were shocked. "You're sure? No mistake? Son of a... ! Why didn't you get him, J.J.! What the hell's wrong with you?! I'm putting you on God damn report! Your sloppy-!" Rose didn't sit, so much as collapsed back into his chair, face burying itself into a broad hand. He took a long shuddering breath. "Sorry, J.J. I know you did your best. He's at the hospital? He's otherwise just cut and banged up? When are they releasing him? An hour? Thank you, J.J. I'll need you to return to the station and file a report. Tell Ryo he can go home for the day. Yes, I know he'll argue, but tell him it's an order."
Rose hung up the phone. He put his face in both hands now, shivering. When he felt iron hard hands grip his wrists and jerk them down, he found himself looking into Dee's white face, the man's green eyes terrified. "Ryo?" was all Dee could manage.
Rose nodded. He pulled his wrists away and rubbed them. Dee had left bruises. "He's all right," Rose told him quickly. "They were in pursuit of a suspect and Ryo fell through some old boards. He was cut up and received some rusty nail wounds, but he's otherwise...." Rose just stopped and swallowed hard.
Dee felt a creeping, growing horror, not knowing what could cause the Commissioner to be so upset, but knowing that it had to be terrible. "What?!" Dee demanded.
Rose spoke softly, as if he could hardly believe it himself. "Ryo was tangling with the suspect when he fell. Both he and the suspect were wounded. Ryo... Some of the suspect's blood got into Ryo's wounds. J.J. did his best, but there was a lot of fog. He couldn't apprehend the suspect... Dee, you know what that means, don't you? Do I really have to spell it out?"
"AIDS," Dee whispered and backed away from Rose's desk. "Ryo might have AIDS and he won't know for sure unless we can catch that punk who bled on him and test him or... or Ryo shows symptoms himself." Dee stood, frozen, as his mind tried to deal with that. In the end, he couldn't. He let out a tortured moan and then rushed towards the door. "I'm going! Ryo needs me now!" He didn't hear Rose's reply and he didn't care whether the man gave his permission or not. He was going to Ryo, no matter what.
Ryo was sitting in an examination room, fall of honey colored hair in his face as he stared at a stack of pamphlets in his hands. His face was cut here and there and a big bruise was disfiguring one cheek. He looked like a lost child and Dee rushed to his side, flinging his coat into an empty chair and climbing onto the examination table where Ryo was sitting. He slid arms around Ryo and tried to say confidently, "It's going to be all right, Ryo."
Ryo leaned into his embrace and sighed bleakly. "Really, Dee? What makes you say that?"
Dee bit his lip hard and then, sidestepping that reply, he asked " What did the doctor say?"
"Rusty nails, minor bruising and cuts," Ryo replied in a dead tone. "Perfectly healthy otherwise, and oh, by the way, you'll need to get H.I.V. testing."
"Did they test already?" Dee asked anxiously. "I thought it took time. I thought... well , if J.J. had done his job, we could have tested the suspect that got away from you two."
"It's more complicated than that," Ryo replied as he pulled away from Dee. His hands tightened on the pamphlets and his jaw bunched and released, revealing his barely leashed emotions. "Even if he tested positive, it wouldn't tell me whether I'll contract it or not."
"But a negative...," Dee cut in.
Ryo handed Dee a pamphlet. "Read that one. It can take up to six months to show up on a test. Testing him won't save me any anxiety or trouble, so , please, Dee, don't go running off on a crusade to find him. I still have to get tested. I still have to wait and wonder. There isn't any getting around that."
Dee ran a hand over his face and felt ill. He said in a small voice, "I guess, I always knew this might happen. I just never wanted to think about it. We all got the 'talk' and the rubber gloves, but who the Hell can think about putting them on when you're trying to apprehend someone and trying not to get killed in the process? It's a danger, but so is getting knifed or shot. If you start thinking about stuff like that every time you have to wrestle a suspect to the ground or check their pockets for needles and drugs, you'd lose your nerve real quick... so, I didn't think about it."
"It's a danger, like any other," Ryo whispered forlornly, "It's part of the job now. It- It just kills a lot slower than a gun or a knife, Dee, and... I'm afraid!" He choked on a sob, embarrassed, and tried to turn away to regain his composure. Dee slipped arms around him from behind and pulled him close, laying his cheek on Ryo's shoulder.
"Don't worry, baby, I'm here for you, no matter what the test results are, " Dee promised.
"Read these pamphlets and tell me that again afterwards, Dee," Ryo replied as if his heart were breaking.
"Ryo," Dee reassured him quickly. "I sat through the same talks you did at the station."
"But did you really listen?" Ryo wondered bitterly. "I don't think most of you did. You were joking and talking about the ball game in the back of the room as I recall."
Dee flushed guiltily. "Like I said... I didn't want to think about it... I didn't want to lose my nerve, think twice about a situation and hesitate when somebodies life might be depending on me."
"I-I didn't want to think about it either, and I listened," Ryo admitted.
Dee felt a wave of anger at himself and at what he knew Ryo was thinking. "I'm not leaving you, no matter what, so stop thinking that dammit!"
Ryo sobbed again. "There's so much too it, Dee! There's so much we have to be careful about now. Until we know for sure-"
"I'll do whatever I have to!" Dee fumed. He forced Ryo to turn and face him. He was shocked to see that Ryo's dark eyes were red rimmed and that tears were slowly trailing down his cheeks. "You'll do what you have to do as well!" Dee insisted. He grabbed Ryo's chin and forced the man to meet his eyes. "When I married you, when I said until we die, and beyond if I could manage it, I wasn't just reading lines off of a beer label, okay? I meant them!" he held out his hand. "Give me those pamphlets and let's find the doctor. This time, I'm going to listen."
He's avoiding me, Dee thought, but the man can't avoid me for six months.
"Still negative," Dee sighed in relief as he carefully put the test result on the kitchen table. Across the table from him, Dee saw Ryo pour himself a cup of tea. When he picked up cup and saucer to sip the hot liquid, the cup clinked against the saucer with a very small, steady rhythm. Ryo was shaking.
Ryo didn't want to hope. It was clear in every tense line. Ryo was a man who liked to plan and to be prepared. Dee knew that he was planning for a positive test result and that he wasn't allowing himself to consider the alternative. Six months was going to be six months. Until that date arrived, and maybe beyond even that, he was going to set his affairs in order and make plans for a future without him in it.
"I set up the college fund for Bicky yesterday at lunch," Ryo said. It was a part and parcel of the conversation they were already having. "It can only be paid out for tuition."
"That's smart," Dee replied in a soft voice as he moved the test result around with one finger and clutched his coffee mug hard with his other hand. "No telling what the little rat would do with that much money if you just gave it to him."
"I also picked up adoption papers," Ryo continued. "I spoke with Bicky's relatives. Once I told them that I would be taking care of college and having him raised in a decent home, they agreed to sign him over to your care."
"That simple?" Dee wondered sourly.
"No, but it makes it easier when we send in the application," Ryo replied. He sipped his tea again. His dark eyes looked glassy and bloodshot. His mouth was pinched and drawn thin. He had lost weight and he was dressed without much thought, just a very loose sweatshirt that hung off of one shoulder and a pair of cotton pants, both gray. His tangled hair and tense expression were indicators that Ryo's mental state was suffering under the stress.
One month, Dee thought. What was Ryo going to look like in six months?
Dee didn't say anything, indulging Ryo. He didn't bring up the fact that his records all said that he was bisexual, that they also said that he was a hothead and undisciplined. Add to that a rap sheet from his youth, something that had almost kept him out of the police academy, and the fact that the State frowned on single, male parents who had dangerous occupations, and Dee didn't give much hope for any adoption going through.
"I'm glad that you decided not to tell him," Dee said. "No use upsetting him until we have to."
Ryo nodded.
Dee frowned. He had given Ryo space, given him time to get his head back on straight, to read his medical information, and to discuss everything with his doctor. Dee had gone through the same motions right along with him, supporting him and learning with him what to do and what not to do to keep them both safe and Ryo healthy. It was time, Dee, thought, to take the bull by the horns and to practice what they had learned.
Dee stood up, pretending that he was only going to dump out his coffee in the sink and put away his mug. Ryo continued to stare into his tea cup, the china still clinking together ever so slightly. Quietly, Dee returned to the table, only, instead of returning to his chair, he came up behind Ryo and placed his strong hands on Ryo's shoulders. Ryo stiffened, but, as Dee began to knead tight muscles, he relaxed back against Dee and closed his eyes wearily.
Dee leaned down and kissed Ryo's bare shoulder. The skin was soft and warm beneath his lips. "Ryo?" he murmured softly.
Ryo shivered. He put his coffee cup down. "I'm afraid," he admitted almost too low for Dee to hear.
"I know," Dee replied, lips making a trail up to Ryo's ear. "We know what to do, Ryo. It will be all right."
"What if-" Ryo began, but Dee placed a finger against his lips, green eyes patient as he looked into Ryo's dark, anxious eyes.
"The world is full of ifs, Baby," Dee said. "Life isn't safe. We can only do our best and hope for the best."
He thought Ryo would argue and Dee braced for it, but Ryo gave in all at once and it was an indicator of just how worn and needy he had become. He needed Dee's strength. He couldn't stand on his own any longer. When Dee slipped hands down the front of his shirt and rubbed at his nipples, they came erect and Ryo made a small sound of pleasure as he closed his eyes and let Dee play.
"We could just... we don't have to go all the way," Ryo suggested.
Dee came around to face Ryo. He crouched to be at eye level. Leaning forward, he kissed Ryo deeply on the lips. Ryo was unsure of even doing that and he was unresponsive, beginning to pull away. Dee stopped him and parted Ryo's lips with his tongue. Ryo sighed into his mouth and gave up fighting. The world WAS full of ifs and it didn't have any guarantees. Dee was making it clear that he was willing, more than willing to dare the consequences, to trust the doctors when they said that kissing hadn't been proven to transmit H.I.V., that saliva was safe in the absence of wounds in the mouth, that they could enjoy sex if they followed the rules.
Dee hooked Ryo's legs with his arms, making Ryo wrap his legs around his waist. Bringing his arms up to Dee's neck, Ryo gasped and then hung on as Dee lifted him out of the chair and carried him to the bedroom without breaking the kiss.
Stretching Ryo out onto the bed, Dee allowed his body to flow gracefully on top. Running strong hands under the waist band of Ryo's pants, Dee then began drawing them down, while Ryo watched him with languid eyes beginning to burn with a kindling passion. The erection Dee revealed was dripping and more than ready.
Prepared, Dee dug in his jean pocket and pulled out several condoms. Ryo's face tightened and the light in his eyes banked abruptly. They had never used condoms before. Dee wondered if Ryo was thinking about their first time, about the fact that Dee had been with other lovers, that he hadn't bothered to protect Ryo against what he might have contracted from them.
"I'm sorry," Dee said, guilt knotting up in his gut. "I didn't think..."
"I didn't either," Ryo admitted. "I hadn't been with a man before we first made love, Dee," Ryo said, "but I had been with women. I could have infected you too."
"I guess...," Dee groped for an explanation. "I guess I just thought that it wouldn't happen to me. Isn't that stupid? I could have... We could have been living this nightmare then, if we had stopped to think about it."
Ryo nodded as he took a condom from Dee's hand. "This time, we're going to do it right."
Five months later...
Ryo sat with a white expression, the test result shaking in his hands. Tears ran down his cheeks and spotted the paper. With a sob, he launched himself into Dee's arms and Dee held him tight, not caring that the doctor was there to see. The doctor was rubbing under the rim of his glasses and turning away, as if he were on the verge of tears as well.
"Let's get out of here, Baby," Dee said in a choking, trembling voice. "Let's go home."
The paper dropped from Ryo's fingers as he clutched with both hands at Dee, as if he were trying to make himself a part of Dee. He sobbed against his lover's breast, allowing himself to be guided out of the examination room.
The doctor turned back around after they had gone and he couldn't help the wash of emotion that went through him as he bent and picked up the test result from the floor. As he tucked it into Ryo's file, he muttered, "Just like I promised, God, a hundred Hail Mary's and a candle for every negative test result. I'll see you at church."
Owari