Disclaimer: I don't own Ryo or Dee, but they wished I did.
Warning: Yaoi, male male relationships. Angst. Some verbal violence. Poor Ryo.
Coming Out
He was soooo... Just sooo ... sexy? Handsome? Hmm... Magnetic, Ryo decided uncomfortably. Dee had an aura of barely leashed sexuality in his every pore. Masculine, assured, powerful. His hands were large and.... so gentle despite that, turning sheets of paper carefully, calloused fingers scraping softly as he ran a finger down a margin of print. His green eyes were electric, compelling, commanding under the long, dark line of his eyebrows. His hair, always a wild, disordered mane of midnight, framed those eyes perfectly. Ryo could smell a faint cologne or aftershave drift slowly across the desk towards him. He took in a deep breath and felt his heart constrict. Ryo 'wanted'. He had never 'wanted' so badly in his entire life. If only he could be like J.J., free and easy with his sexuality, taking whatever came, loving whom ever he loved. Ryo wondered what it would be like to simply reach over, grab Dee and...
"Ryo? Hey, Ryo?" A voice crooned.
Ryo started and looked up at Dreig. The heavy set man was grinning at him, knowing very well what Ryo had been thinking about. Ryo flushed to the roots of his hair as he stammered, "D-Dreig? What's up?'
"Head wants to see you in his office," Dreig told him. "I think you screwed up a report."
"A likely excuse," Dee said as he looked up from his file. He ran a hand through his hair and sat back in his chair, stretching. "Want some anti- Berkley Rose spray, Ryo?"
Ryo pursed his lips primly. "Dee, you should try and get along with him. He hasn't tried anything since I explained to him that I wasn't interested."
"Since you punched him, you mean?" Dee reminded him with a malicious smile. "People don't give up that easily, Ryo, especially where you're concerned."
"You won't even give him a chance!" Ryo retorted, irritated now.
Dee began to stand up as he closed the folder. "Let me go with you. I had to talk to him anyway."
"I'm not a child!" Ryo replied angrily.
Dee looked hurt for an instant and then he recovered as he sat down again. "Okay! Okay! Don't get your knickers in a snit." He took a sip of his coffee and then shrugged. "Well, he knows you're mine."
Ryo became even more angry, black eyes snapping as he squeezed his hands into fists. "I'm not 'yours'! I'm not anyone's! Stay out of my business!"
Dee's good natured smile dropped and he narrowed his eyes. "I'm your partner. Your business is my business." He gave the room a slow look. It was noisy and busy as usual, but some people were beginning to look their way. Dee couldn't care less what anyone thought of him, but he knew how much it mattered to Ryo. "We'll shout about this later. Have dinner with me?" Dee gave his best, puppy dog look, making himself look very young and very sorry.
"My place, of course," Ryo sighed, "with me cooking, you mean."
"I can try to cook if you want, but you'd better have a strong stomach," Dee chuckled.
"Okay," Ryo replied, relenting. "Just... Just treat me like a man okay?"
Dee looked confused. It was a strange request, Ryo knew, but it was what was at the heart of his anger and so much else.
"Okay,' Dee replied quietly. "I didn't realize that I wasn't. Sorry. I guess I wouldn't like that either." he groped for an explanation. "I guess you're just so nice to everyone. I worry about you because of that. I don't want anyone to hurt you, Ryo."
"I can take care of myself, but... thanks, Dee, for caring. I didn't mean to get short with you, but-"
"I understand."
"Thanks."
"Are you done now?' Dreig wondered acidly. "The Head is still waiting, Ryo."
Ryo went scarlet. He mumbled an apology and quickly left for the Head's office. Dreig rolled his eyes at a bemused Dee. "You can cut the honey in this room with a knife!" Dreig drawled as he sat in Ryo's warm chair and began eating Ryo's leftover danish. "What is it with you two? Why can't you get it together with him? You're gay. He's gay-'
"What makes you think that?" Dee wondered irritably as he sipped at his coffee and opened the file in front of him again.
Dreig rolled his eyes again as he chewed on the danish. "Gawd! Just look at him! Limpid eyes, fancy manners, and so damned A.R. about everything!"
Dee raised eyebrows and glared. "A.R.?"
"Anal Retentive," Dreig clarified with a grunt. "I've never seen a desk so neat." He poked at a stack of neatly labeled, alphabetically ordered, files. "Who the hell around here does stuff like that?"
"You're insulting my partner and stereotyping him to boot,' Dee said and his voice had a dangerous edge. "He's had girlfriends. So have I. Besides, he doesn't want to have anything to do with me outside of being partners and friends, so I don't see where you're drawing your conclusions from."
Dreig grunted and finished off the danish. He wiped his hands on his pants. "Bothers the hell out of you, doesn't it? That he doesn't want to do it."
"Now you're being crude," Dee snapped with a scowl.
"Just strange, that's all," Dreig said. He leaned forward over the desk and said quietly. "I've known him for a few years now, same as you. Ryo hasn't been with anyone and you know it. That's plenty strange for a man. There has to be something wrong. Something more than he 's telling you. You're a detective. Figure it out."
Dee sat back in his chair and crossed his arms over his chest defensively. "Why are you making it your business whether I get laid or not?"
Dreig grinned. "It's more than that, isn't it?"
Dee nodded shortly.
"I thought so," Dreig said. "Hey, Dee, come on! You're my friend! We go way back! How many times have you helped me in my disaster of a love life? Time for some payback. Besides, gay or straight, Ryo's a nice guy. I think you'll treat him right."
"Damn right, I will!" Dee agreed reverently.
"Good," Dreig said as he raised his bulk from Ryo's chair. "Now figure out what's bothering him so you can do that."
Ryo dreaded opening the door of the Head's office. Despite what he had said to Dee about getting along with Berkley Rose, the man made him uncomfortable. The blonde man was taller and bigger than Ryo. He never missed a chance to lean into Ryo's space and... touch him, look into his eyes, and dominate him with just his sheer presence. Ryo had landed a lucky punch when Berkley had dared a kiss. He didn't think much of his chances if it came down to an actual fight.
Ryo gave himself a reality check. Berkley was a police officer in a building full of police officers. He wouldn't try to- to, Ryo didn't even want to think of something that terrible. Besides, Dee was nearby. Dee wouldn't let anything happen to him. Ryo felt a wave of self disgust. Hadn't he told Dee, just now, to treat him like a man? Right now, he was acting more like a nervous girl!
"Have a seat, Ryo," Berkley motioned to the chair in front of his desk. Ryo gingerly sat down, watching anxiously as Berkley stood up and paced. He had his coat off and he was wearing a designer dress shirt and tailored slacks. Like Dee, he had a very masculine quality to him. He moved his large body gracefully as he paced the room.
"The report on the Anderson case was sloppy, Ryo," Berkley began. When Ryo didn't offer up an excuse, Berkley raised a blonde eyebrow. "I know you were having a hard time, dealing with your Uncle's death, but you should have given the case over to someone else if you couldn't do the job properly. You have to learn what your limits are, Ryo. You have to understand that the job is more important than your pride."
"It was inexcusable of me," Ryo replied at last, feeling his face sting with the shame of it. He'd never turned in less than a perfect report before, but the case had been very difficult. A runaway boy murdered. A less than enthusiastic father coming to identify the body. The man had looked so much like his Uncle, Ryo thought, down to the sneer when he had said, 'Lousy fag. I knew he'd end up in a ditch. Naw, he didn't run away. I caught him bending over for a neighbor boy and threw him out of the house. That one was a bad seed. Who cares who murdered him! He was probably doing tricks and some john slit his throat. Little pervert! Makes me want to vomit. Investigate? Whatever the hell you want guy, I certainly don't care. What are you so mad about? You a fag too? You look like one. Let me outta here! This place is full of you stinking fags!" When Ryo had typed up the report, the screen had kept blurring because of his tears. Summing up such a tragedy in neat columns, and checking off boxes, had been too much of an injustice to an innocent boy.
"Am I making you nervous, Ryo?" Berkley was suddenly right at Ryo's ear, his very warm breath tickling the little hairs there.
"You're unusually quiet. I've just reprimanded you. I expect you to give me a reply, an honest reply."
"I let my personal life and my personal opinions effect the case," Ryo admitted. "It wasn't just my Uncle's death that distracted me from doing my job properly."
"Good, honesty," Berkley said approvingly. "Turn the case over to another detective, Ryo. You are officially relieved of it." Berkley was still bending over, his face very near Ryo's. Ryo sat ramrod straight, every nerve and muscle rigid. "Do you want to talk about it, why it was so personal for you?"
"I- I don't have to, do I, sir?"
"No, of course not. If you like, you can talk to the staff psychologist."
"No, gomen, sir, I'd rather not."
"That was Japanese, wasn't it?" Berkley arched that perfect eyebrow again. "I notice you revert to Japanese whenever you're disturbed... or nervous. When you punched me," he rubbed his chin, remembering it, "You shouted at me in Japanese. Gomen... What does that mean?"
Ryo was embarrassed. He hadn't realized that he did that. "Gomen. It means, 'sorry'."
"Hmm, really?" Berkley shifted his weight and he was suddenly leaning and looking Ryo in the eye. "It sounds beautiful when you say it. Did your parents speak Japanese?"
"Uh.... yes," Ryo replied in a choked voice and swallowed hard. Dee always wore after shave or cologne. Berkley smelled natural, a man scent that was disturbingly enticing.
"Gomen, Ryo," Berkley said softly and his lips were very close to Ryo's, his blue eyes pools Ryo felt he was drowning in. "Gomen, that I can't stop wondering what it would be like to be with you. You're so beautiful, in every way, mentally and physically. I can show you...," he lightly, ever so lightly, kissed Ryo on the lips, cautious. "I can show you what love between two men can be, how utterly wonderful, how satisfying... I can be gentle, loving... I'll give you a memory to cherish for the rest of your life. Just let me... let me be your first, Ryo. I would truly be honored."
Ryo was out of his chair and backing away before he realized it, one hand raised to fend Berkley off. "I'm not a fag!" he shouted and he was as surprised as Berkley at his vehemence. "Don't... Don't touch me! I like women! Women! If you say anything like this again to me, I'll report you!"
Ryo fled the office, not giving Berkley a chance to say anything in reply. He stormed back to his desk. Dee took one look at his face and stood up, furious.
"He tried it again, didn't he? I told you I should have gone with you!"
"Don't... Don't say anything to me!" Ryo shouted and felt like weeping. "You're not any better than he is! You can't keep your perverted hands off me either!"
Dee swallowed hard, hands gripping the edge of his desk as he faced his partner. "Ryo, I'm sorry! Please don't act this way. Everyone can hear you. You'll regret it later. It's quitting time. Why don't you go home and relax. I know that last case was hard on you. You need some down time."
"I need to get away from fags like you and Berkley! I need to transfer out of here before one of you backs me up into a dark corner and-"
Dee was shoving Ryo away from everyone. Eyes, curious and astonished, followed them as Dee pulled Ryo into the break room and locked the door behind them. Ryo jerked away then and crossed his arms over his chest, looking miserable and lost.
"What happened?" Dee demanded. "If he touched you.. If he... God, Ryo! He didn't- "
"No, he didn't, but he sure as hell wanted to!"
Ryo lowered himself onto one of the couches, huddling in on himself, brown hair covering most of his face in a soft curtain. "I'm not gay... I'm not! I've had girlfriends. Lots of them! I'm not a virgin! He called me a virgin!"
"Berkley?" When Ryo nodded jerkily, Dee sighed and ran a hand through his dark hair. He dragged a chair across the floor and sat in
it facing Ryo, leaning forward intently. "Tell me what's really wrong, Ryo."
"Nothing."
"Nothing?" Dee scoffed. He lit up a cigarette, took a hard puff, and blew smoke out in a long, thoughtful breath. "You just accused me," he said finally, "in front of the entire station, of wanting to rape you along with Berkley. I think I'm owed an explanation."
"Gomen, Dee, A-"
"In English! I'm a New Yorker, street punk, remember? I have enough trouble with the English language, Ryo."
"Sorry." Ryo closed his eyes for a moment and then shook his head sharply. "I shouldn't have taken that case! It dredged up too many old memories, especially when my Uncle died... especially when I realized that the murdered boy's father looked just like my Uncle... and that he... talked just like him, too."
"Talked like him?"
"Yeah."
Dee took another long puff from his cigarette. "We should be taking this home and hashing it out in private, but I have a bad feeling that, if I let you leave now, I may never get close to you again. You're all screwed up over something and you're about to make a very bad decision because of it."
"That's not true."
"Isn't it? You don't have a poker face, Ryo. Never play cards."
"You wouldn't understand," Ryo replied in anguish.
"Why wouldn't I?"
"Because you're so comfortable with what you are! You know what you like and you take it and have it. Nothing bothers you! You
don't care what anyone thinks."
"I care that people might think I've been trying to rape you,' Dee growled.
"It's true."
Dee threw down his cigarette and stomped it out as he closed the space between himself and Ryo. He buried a hand into Ryo's shirt. "That isn't true! How dare you say that to me!"
Ryo went very small and frightened. "A-Are you going to hit me, Uncle?"
Dee blinked. "Wh- You just called me, 'Uncle'."
Ryo shivered, "No, I didn't."
Dee scowled. "Yes you did! Was that some sort of, what do you call it? Freudian slip?"
"I, uh-" Ryo closed his eyes tightly and hugged himself harder. Dee released his shirt and backed up to sit in the chair again.
"Talk!" Dee commanded.
"There's nothing to say."
"Ryo, you accused me of trying to rape you, called me a pervert and a fag after all the time we've known each other, and then called me 'Uncle'. There's plenty for you to say, so say it!"
It was so hard. It was like cutting a vein open and showing Dee his blood, yet who else could he talk to about this? Ryo couldn't hold it in any longer. It was eating away at him.
"Uh, my Aunt took me in after my parents died."
"I know that. What else?"
"My Uncle wasn't pleased."
"Why not?"
"He, uh, he thought I was gay."
"Why?"
Ryo turned away from Dee. He couldn't face him and tell him these terrible things. "He called me 'Pretty Boy'. He said that someone who looked like me could only be a fag. He said I was a sissy. He told my Aunt not to let me stay with them. He had a son. He didn't want me around him. I tried... I tried to please my uncle. I tried to act tough and join sports. I played soccer, you know. I-I wasn't very good at it. My Aunt, she told me not to bother and just be what I was, but I couldn't. I didn't want to be the things my Uncle was accusing me of. But, it didn't matter what I did. My Uncle- he kept calling me 'uke'." Ryo's face turned red and he felt ill.
"What's that mean?"
"Bottom. Submissive." Ryo whispered.
Dee understood the inference and he swore under his breath. "Not a nice man, was he?"
"Not very."
"Ryo, you don't believe any of that, do you?" When Ryo didn't answer, Dee became angry. "Ryo! There's nothing wrong with being good and gentle! There's nothing wrong with being beautiful." Dee paused and then took the plunge. "There's nothing wrong, either,
with being gay."
"I'm not-"
"Ryo!" Dee cut him off in exasperation and moved his chair forward until he was knee to knee with Ryo. "Look at me."
Ryo turned to face Dee reluctantly. His eyes were red, he was holding back tears. "What?' He asked in a small voice.
Dee's eyes were magnetic. Next to Dee, Berkley Rose was nothing. Dee was handsome. Dee was strong. Dee was-
"Seme." Ryo said distinctly and then gasped and stammered as he tried to turn away again in acute embarrassment.
Dee took hold of Ryo's hands and wouldn't let him turn away. "Seme. What's that mean?"
"Top. Dominate," Ryo whispered. "I was just thinking how... how strong and confident you always are. I wish... I wish I could be that way."
"Do you?" Dee wondered. He looked down at Ryo's hands. They were long fingered, soft, almost feminine. "You have your own kind of strength, Ryo. You're a New York Detective, remember?"
"Hai."
"Ryo."
"Sorry, yes, I meant."
"You can get the job done and still be a sweet guy, Ryo,' Dee continued. "It doesn't make you any less of a man that you'd rather be gardening or watching over your little street thugs, Bikky and Cal, than sling back beers and watch a football game. There's different personalities and they make the world go round. People like your uncle, they want a black and white world, comfortable and bland, everyone hammered into the same mold. Life just isn't like that. I'm, what did you call it? Seme. I like being on top,' Dee waggled an eyebrow at Ryo, " in everything mind you and yes, I do drink, burp, and smoke while I watch football games. That's just me. I like that your the opposite. I need a gentler person with me, someone who cares whether the clothes get picked up, or the sauce is just right for the rice. I need someone...," He dared a great deal as he continued. "I need someone who wants me to be there and be strong for them, to love them and make love to them. What did our self defense guy call it... yin and yang, opposites attract, never one without the other? There's always another side to things, Ryo. You happen to be the other side of me."
"I-, "Ryo groped for a reply. "It's so hard for me, Dee. Do you know what you're asking me? You want me to be a woman, to let you-"
"No!" Dee cut him off. "I don't want you to be a woman, Ryo! It's not like that at all! I wish... I wish you were more experienced. It would have made things so much easier between us. I don't- I don't want to pretend that you're a woman and put you on your back. " Ryo blinked at the crudeness of that, but there wasn't any other way to explain it. "I love that you're a man. I love your muscles and your beauty; your masculine beauty. If you ever let me... You'll see that being uke to my seme is a confirmation of what we are, not a denial, not a weakness or something disgusting. It's beautiful, just like you."
Ryo's eyes were definitely swimming with tears now. He sniffled a little, still looking down at their clasped hands. "That was nice, what you just said, Dee. I didn't know you could be so... "
"For you, it's easy," Dee interjected. "For you, I'll even spout poetry!"
Ryo choked on a laugh. "No, thanks! I don't think it would be very good poetry."
Ryo quieted. They were silent for a long moment and then Dee asked tentatively. "Can I still come to dinner?"
Ryo nodded, but he still had one last question to ask, something that had been on his mind for a long while. Now that he had unloaded the burden of his childhood on Dee, this burning question seemed easy to ask now. "Dee? Do you like... uhm, men or women more?"
"Men," Dee replied, staring into Ryo's eyes with a new intensity. "One in particular. So much so, in fact, that I've forgotten about everyone else."
"How- how do you know that?' Ryo asked nervously. "I've been with women. You have too. What's different?"
Dee moved in even closer, his lips an inch away from Ryo's lips. His eyes were full of emotion. Ryo was engulfed in their green depths. "You just know."
"But, how-" Ryo's words were silenced against Dee's lips. The man slid a tongue into Ryo's mouth and Ryo tasted cigarettes and something... something pleasant and primal. It was like electricity all throughout Ryo's body. He melted into that kiss and Dee drank in his mouth and his lips, devouring him whole. So strong, so seme. Dee was right, and, Ryo admitted deep down, his Uncle had been right too. Ryo was uke. He did want... he forced the realization out of hiding.... he did want Dee to have him and be his seme. He didn't want it any other way. Top. Bottom. Yin. Yang. Uke. Seme. They were still both men. They were still New York detectives with tough, grueling jobs. This, this relationship they were struggling to form, didn't take any of that away. There wasn't anything to be ashamed of.
Dee broke the kiss slowly and sensually. "See the difference now?" he asked breathlessly.
"Not quite yet," Ryo lied, to Dee's surprise, and fell into the kiss again.
***Owari***